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126
126
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Brooklyn !

*Gift1* Merry Christmas! *Gift1*

I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. Keep in mind these are one person's suggestions. Please keep those which will make your work stronger, and ignore the rest.

First Impressions:
Comprehensive. You cover setting, language, content, and give links to other resources.

Punctuation:
Check your commas. I'm no expert but it seems a few may be in the wrong spots. For example:
Not because I am a superb writer and have an ego the size of a small football stadium(,) but because I realized(,) it's my opinion as a reader that is important. *Laugh*


Flow/Content:
This is a smooth essay, flowing nicely through why people write/review to what to include in a review. I especially like that you encourage reviewers to look at the other works in a person's port to get an idea of what kind of items they write.

Favorite line/s:
For some, it's a release of personal nature and for others, it's for critique with the hope for improvement. For most, I believe it has alot to do with the encouragement. Considerate reviewing gives them that encouragement.

Personal Opinion:
I can only give you my idea about 4.5s. Once upon a time, I thought every plopper I wrote deserved a 5. I mean, isn't it just perfect? *Rolleyes* The more I review, the more elusive a 5 becomes for me personally as well as those I review. A 4.5 is darn close to perfect--leaving the .5 open. Here are possible reasons:

1. Some people only give 5s to items they consider better than their own. Depending on the quality of the author, this could range quite a bit.
2. Some people only give 5s to items they consider to be perfect--similar to the slush-pile reader, any tiny error is enough to toss the item into the "not quite perfect" pile. They reserve 5s for works of absolute genius.
3. The item wasn't their style, opinion, genre, etc.
4. Technical excellence without emotion (or vice versa).
5. A vague feeling that the piece wasn't quite perfect.
6. A combination of the above.

I'm sure there are other reasons. Many times my 4.5 will be someone else's 4 or 5. A 4.5 means your piece is really good, and that's good enough for me.

Overall:
I appreciate all the time you've spent reviewing, and all the tips you've compiled in this work. There's a lot to think about here, and a huge amount of encouragement for reviewers.

Keep writing!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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127
Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Shaara !

Thank you for entering today's "Daily Flash Fiction Challenge.

I loved that you told this story while including the animals' point of view. The little girl's faith was cute and heartwarming.

Congrats on winning first place today! Your gps are enclosed.

Write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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128
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello InspiredOne !

Welcome to Writing.com! (I love your user name!) If you have questions about the site or my review, feel free to ask. Please know that I offer any suggestions in the spirit of assistance, but take only those which might make your work stronger.

First Impressions:
Sabrina's a tough one; her anger will propel her. A quest means there will be challenges to empower her on the way. *Thumbsup*

Suggestions:
I like to read my piece aloud. When I get confused or tongue-tied it means that part needs work. *Laugh* Consider removing "filler" words, many of which are derivatives of "to be".
A ray of sunlight shining on her face made her wake up from her vast sleep that seemed to have last weeks.
You could keep the effect but shorten it for clarity, along the lines of:
"A ray of sunlight awakened her from a sleep that seemed to last weeks."

It's always a good idea to run a story through spell-check, and there's one here on-site. Also, some programs like MS Word will check grammar along with spelling. We all miss typos and commas here and there.

Still sleepy she stumbled
Still sleepy, she stumbled

it was autumn had begun.
autumn had begun.

Shine On!:
There's a nice use of body language, such as when she clenches her fists.

But the romance of this phrase completely wowed me!

*Star* she stood at the field where damp and dawn lay upon the hazel colored grass. *Star*

Outstanding imagery with a touch of personification! (I believe the past of "lie" is "lay"). *Smile*

Overall:
I can see you are inspired! You've been here one day and you are writing a book? *Shock* I love the premise of your story and the anticipation of mother and daughter finding each other. I'm waiting for Chapter 2--I just know there will be action. Keep writing!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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129
Review of FREE AT LAST.  
Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Meg !

Thank you for entering November's contest.
Rising Stars Shining Brighter  [E]
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
by Tornado Day


Brava! Fantastic poem. I love the way you use the door as the portal for the story to unfold. You invite the reader to follow with a steady rhythm that skips in the right spots to create suspense. {caesura? caesar salad?)

I'm sure there's a technical term for whatever "it" is, but I call it "excellence". *Thumbsup*

My favorite line/s:
A movement? Could that be a beam
Of light appearing at the seam
Of solid oak that never budged
Or opened ? Was it he who judged?


Write on, Meg, and good luck in the contest!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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130
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello - !

Welcome to Writing.com! If you have questions about the site or my review, feel free to ask! Please know that I offer any suggestions in the spirit of assistance, but take only those which might make your work stronger.

First Impressions:
You've displayed the feeling of "not knowing what to say" very well. The awkward silences here set the mood of the piece.

Suggestions:
Consider adding a blank line between paragraphs. It makes text easier to read on a computer screen.

Sun
I'm missing the significance of the capitalization here. Is it that they were each other's suns? If you personify the sun, it might make this more obvious.

her soft hair fell behind her face
I'm not understanding this image. Perhaps her soft hair fell away, exposing her face?

She looked back to the floor, ‘O.K.’
She looked back to the floor. ‘O.K.’
More as a matter of style than technical perfection, consider only linking actual tags (said,asked) with a comma to the action. This frees up an entire sentence to move the character around, which you do so well.

floor, she loved
floor; she loved
(These are two independent clauses which could be separate sentences, and I would suggest it because the ideas are not closely aligned.) I love that you give their internal thoughts to show that even though their relationship is ending, the love was real.

Favorite line/s:
...for a second he loved her, the way her delicate hands tied knots in her soft yellow hair, the way the loops freed themselves of her fingers and fell free into the air.

Overall:
Your opening line is killer! The actions show a girl/woman waiting, impatient and unsure of herself at the same time. *Thumbsup* I love the way you use the slightest motions to show what the characters are thinking without words. Nicely done!

I'm always available to look at a piece again and re-rate after an edit. Keep writing!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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131
Review of Arrival  
Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This review was requested at

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Hello hbar !

I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. Keep in mind these are my personal suggestions based on my knowledge, beliefs, and limitations. Please accept only those which might make your work stronger.

You asked that this review cover punctuation and clarity, so I'll do my best.

First Impressions:
You've made me miss the farm I lived on as a child. Your description of the "arrival" surrounded me, transporting me into your world. You're an expert at setting the scene and filling it with ambiance. *Check5*

Punctuation:
Realizing your weak areas is half the battle! I'll give some general rules, but I'm not a grammar expert. I'm also unsure if you are using sentence fragments on purpose as part of your style, but I'll point them out just in case.

There's some punctuation missing here. Descriptions of people should be offset with commas.
Lizzie their eldest now twenty-one at his left and
Lizzie, their eldest, now twenty-one, at his left (?)

I won't attempt to punctuate the entire sentence. *I* would split it into two sentences to get around the semicolon/colon issue.*Laugh*

“Oh look at you Jack,
“Oh, look at you, Jack,

*Note6* Dialogue tags:
In general, if the verb is said/asked/etc., link the dialogue tag to the dialogue with a comma.

It’s Jack everybody.” Jeremiah yelled
It's Jack everybody," Jeremiah yelled

“Well ask him in Jeremiah.” Eleanor exclaimed
“Well, ask him in, Jeremiah,” Eleanor exclaimed

If the verb is a non-speaking action, such as smiling, walking, or beaming, you can create a separate sentence, which might free up your possibilities.

Jack looked at his feet, “No sir, no I haven’t.”
Jack looked at his feet. “No sir. No, I haven’t.”

Perhaps this pause could be enhanced by starting a new sentence?
to visit my folks,” he paused, adding with quiet emphasis “I made peace with my dad
to vist my folks." He paused, adding with quiet emphasis, “I made peace with my dad

*Note6* Sentence fragments/comma splices/etc. (ignoring style issues):
waist, it matched
waist; it matched
(A semicolon joins independent clauses.)

would be seated; watching her family
would be seated, watching her family
{The second clause is not independent; it needs a comma.)

A tire swing hanging from a limb just visible.
(The gerund form (ing) makes this an incomplete sentence.)

Work boots on his feet,
You may wish to condense/combine the description here and add a verb on which to hang the phrases.

resumed eating. Not meeting Jack’s eyes.
resumed eating, not meeting Jack’s eyes.

Warmth.... Fried chicken....
Consider combining the clauses in a different way to put the description and his reaction in separate sentences:
"Warmth seeped from the open door, along with the smell of fried chicken, dill and potatoes, and baked apples. Frank and Eleanor...."

their supper. Except Thomas, a solid stream
their supper, except Thomas. A solid stream...issued
or
their supper. Except Thomas--a solid stream...issued

*Note6* Other:
sweat stained hat = sweat-stained

Clarity/Flow:
I believe your opening paragraph is a good hook. There's a homecoming for the main character, and we sense his uncertainty about whether he'll be welcomed.

The gravel crunched beneath his boots as he walked the road to his unknown destiny. *Thumbsup*

Excellent! What do you think of putting the character's name in the first paragraph, or even the first sentence? It might help the reader connect to him as a person. That way, when the other people are introduced in the fourth paragraph we have a good idea who Jack is.

Jack watched absorbedly
I'm not sure you need the adverb. You do a great job of showing how Jack watched her every move.

The home was visible
The house was surrounded
limb just visible.

You know what I'm going to say here, right? *Laugh* Passive voice puts the emphasis on the house, which is fine if that is what you wish. Consider giving the information through Jack's eyes. I think it might work, especially considering this gem of a sentence:

He looked at the home, not moving, inner conflict turning his feet to stone.

You could even leave out "he worried", because you give internal dialogue.

Fear absorbed him, leaving him unable to move. *Star*
Excellent!

The Cleef’s had taken him on as a hired hand. He had walked....
This seems backwards. Consider switching these sentences and/or combining them.
"He walked onto the Cleef ranch looking for work."

Jack hoped they would welcome him again.
Consider starting another paragraph here, since the first portion describes when he worked for them, and the remainder is more about his feelings. What do you think of putting this sentence at the end of the paragraph? It might be a strong closing and a segue back to the present.

Description:
I love the setup! The overheard discussion, the tire swing, and the sights and smells of the house are great details that say "home" to a weary traveler. Perhaps describing Jack's feelings in more detail might flesh this out. For example:

He stood nervously before the front porch.
This is a moment of tension. Is there a way to show how nervous he is? Sometimes a tiny detail adds just the right amount of emotion to a story. Perhaps his hands got hot despite the cold temperature, he sighed, or he crunched his hat in his hands--a physical symbol to reinforce his trepidation.

Standing off the porch
I'm not sure if this is a regional saying, but normally we say "standing on the porch", or "beside the porch". It took me out of the story for a second to translate. You could describe where "off" is. Perhaps he had one foot on the first step? That would show he's hesitant, too.

Eleanor gave him an appraising, worried look
This is a great description of a mom's action, and an opportunity to flesh out some details if you want. How does she give an appraising, worried, look? My mom would probably look me up and down, frown, then give a fake smile to cover her worry, and pat me on the back.

He watched only Lizzie....
I love the description here. It shows exactly what it is about Lizzie he admires.

Plot:
The plot is good. The ending kind of left me hanging, which is probably your intent. We don't need to know whether he gets the girl or not, but it would be nice to know what he thinks about the situation at the end. Does the fact that his woman has a new beau leave him resigned, or is he determined to win her back? My personal preference as a reader for nice, tidy endings makes me wish for a subtle clue as to whether this is a tragic situation or a new beginning.

“Stay here, Jeremiah,” Frank said softly.
A subtle authority shows in this line. Frank is a wonderful character. You show his love for the young man well in his actions (the handshake), in his dialogue, and in the unspoken places between action.

On the other hand, Lizzie seemed an ethereal love, almost an archetype. To me, the story was more about the concept of family than about romance. You've conveyed this well, although you may wish to enhance the ending to make it more clear.

Favorite line/s:
He could hear indistinct supper conversation interspersed with laughter.

This short sentence really painted the ambiance for me. Without any description, I heard clanking dishes and people talking in my head. Awesome!

Overall:
Complex emotions and motivations in this piece made it an absolute joy to read. You have a unique insight into your character's souls which gives a depth to the story.

I may not always understand the subtleties of your work, but I'm always available for questions, comments, accusations, and re-rating. *Smile*

Write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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132
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Just an Ordinary Boo! !

Thank you for entering the Rising Stars Shine Brighter contest for November.

This has a lovely cadence which simulates a reverent tone. The line you repeat adds to that feeling. I love that you've evoked all the senses here.

My favorite line/s:
Staccato crackers explode cheer
Festival of light, Good triumphs
Lamps flicker bright benign welcome
Traditional instruments thrum.


What a lovely picture of people in worship! Good luck in the contest.

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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133
Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Sssssh! I'm not really here. !

This is the third of three reviews you won in Simply's Thanksgiving auction. I hope it is useful. This is merely one person's opinion; only you have the master blueprint for your work.

First Impressions:
A heart-stirring story about the timeless strength of a mother's love.

Suggestions:
My Momma is alive! She is taunting me
This is in present tense while the remainder of the story is told as a remembrance. You could use italics to denote inner dialogue here for consistency.

I remember when
Consider beginning your story with "when", and using the word "remember" for the last line. It might make the image of chasing unicorns more visual.

Fave line/s:
*Star*However, you must remember that I too will be magical, just like that unicorn in your beautiful mind. *Star*

Overall:
I love the simple and straight-forward tone of this piece. It has a realism that is hard to find, as if the woman were transported back to childhood in the telling. This is especially evident in the child's inability to feel sorrow for her aunt.

It was my pleasure to get lost in your port today. You write eloquently and take great care choosing your words.

Thanks for the emotion and humor in your prose, and keep writing!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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134
Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Sssssh! I'm not really here. !


This is the second of the three reviews you won in "Invalid Item. I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits.

First Impressions:
Now I understand why you and Acme are such friends--you both have blood type C: Comedy! *Laugh* That you filed this under "drama" is perfect, and I am not looking forward to
"the dark side of lunar terror known as the ages between nine and nineteen." But you've given me a great idea!

Fave line/s:
*Star*The stark sunlight fuses its way into the formerly tranquil domestic paradise and converts it to the new training ground of the female mutant power takeover. *Star*

Overall:
I have no suggestions for this piece. I love the juxtaposition of the more formal tone with the descriptions of the beasts beauties.

An excellent piece of parental advice told with humor and literary flair. The variety of items in your port might have me lost for days!

Keep writing!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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135
Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Sssssh! I'm not really here. !

This is the first of the three reviews you won in "Invalid Item. I hope one of my suggestions as a reader will be helpful to you during future edits. I can only give my opinion on how I would do it, so take what will make your work stronger. I'm always available after an edit to re-read and re-rate.

First Impressions:
I love the title, the teaser, and the story. Since you have a word count, I'm guessing you had to limit the length. For the brevity you have the perfect amount of description to paint your individuals and their quirks. *Star*

Feathers were flying everywhere, resembling a snow storm inside the cabin. *Left* Love this image!

Technicalities:
Tense:
There are a few spots present tense creeps in which took me out of the story.
A harsh snowstorm is imminent = was imminent
(Also this sentence is more telling than showing. Because you describe the clouds so well, consider describing the temperature from the character's perspective.)

Nightfall comes quickly in the woods
This is perfect in present tense, because you are speaking about an on-going process.

should end
would end? Or you could use internal dialogue for the main character.

Thank goodness, it wasn't locked.
You might cut this, as the reader can infer that it wasn't locked because it yielded. Or go with inner thoughts and change it to present tense.

"Be" verbs:
They take the sizzle out of a person's style, in my opinion. When I see too many on my page I like to search and replace them with more active verbs. They work well for ethereal concepts, but in writing description you want more life.

There was a fireplace with some dry logs near the opening.
How about "a fireplace...stood"? Lay/beckoned/whatever.

Other:
My mini mix...
Consider putting these two sentences together in reverse order as they are related.
"The mini-mix of binocular-toters hurled an assortment of snarls, curses, and other indignities my way as the pushed past me."

I screamed and twisted awkwardly
This idea could be more fully realized if you take time to discuss how the twist was awkward. I'm envisioning a flapping chicken-type dance. Just a few more words might make this more "visual".

Plot:
Your characters are interesting individuals. *Thumbsup*
Mr. Twitch grabbed that spot by the window and just stood there casting weird shadows with his jerking head movements. *Laugh*

The understated humor is great!
Who would have thought he possessed the intelligence to even get dressed in the morning?

The alliteration is right smack in the middle of the comedy. Awesome job!
Finally, Miss Chunky thought she would weigh in with a wicked whack of the wicker broom and--Wham!

Overall:
I wanted to give a five just for the plot! This is an excellent write that only needs minor editing to be outstanding. Your characters glow, and you have a natural gift for pacing. All in all, I just love your style!

I appreciate you inviting me in your port, and thanks for a great example of unusual characters. Keep writing!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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136
Review by KimChi
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello maryann!

First Impressions:
I'd vote for you in a heartbeat, just for the colorful buildings! *Laugh*

What a happy little world you'd create! The short length of the piece would be perfect for stand-up comedy. The rhetorical questions add to that feeling.

Even though this is comedy, you took the time to describe the sensual details of the luaua. *Thumbsup*

Shine: *Laugh*
*Star*We would finally have world peace, which women have hoped for in beauty pageants for years*Star*

Overall:
I love your low-key humor bordering on satire! There are a few spots were you might consider getting more outrageous. Since you use rhetorical advices so well, consider shorter sentences in some spots. The jump from bargain shopping to well adjusted humans is one area you could use shorter sentences to make the absurdity of your leap more clear.

If you decide to edit this again, shoot me a note and I'll take another look at it. Thanks for making me laugh about politics for a change! Keep writing!


In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of Simply Rain  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Maryann - House Martell !

This completely rocks! I want someone to illustrate each line on a page so my daughter can look at it while I read it aloud. This is a fun poem with a deep impact from all the words that make noise. Each line carries a complete image in two words.

The reader feels the thunder and lightning of the words, and responds emotionally. The rhythm is a short and choppy ride mirroring the quickly-changing sky.

Gray sky,
Fragrant scent,
Swaying trees,
Rain meant.


This would be perfect for a children's book! Keep writing!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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138
Review of To My Mother  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Going Away For Two Months !

Well I had to read the companion piece, right?

Wow-this definitely does justice to the mother's POV. I feel emotional undercurrents in this relationship that aren't stated. Or it could be that I'm responding to this more viscerally because I'm adopted. Either way, you show the girl's feeling of betrayal and confusion well--the tone is incredibly realistic.

It has been my pleasure to check out your port and get to know you through your words. You are not only proficient in the mechanics of language, but you also have a unique style to showcase your talent. Keep writing!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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139
Review of To my daughter  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Going Away For Two Months !

How do you tell a story in such a short piece? You slice right into the heart of the matter and say only what needs to be said. The mother's point of view is completely realistic here, and I empathize with her pain.

*Star*Every time you move, every time a sweet sigh escapes your newborn lips, you twist the dagger that is already buried deep inside my heart. *Star*

I have one little nit of sentence construction.
at your innocent face, sleeping peacefully in my arms
One might read "sleeping" as modifying "face". Consider "as you sleep peacefully". I told you it was minor!

Thanks for showing that we don't need a lot of words to show emotion if we make each one count.

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of Meditation  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Going Away For Two Months !

Thank you for inviting me to peruse your port! I was drawn to this poem because I'm a big proponent of meditation for all ages.

I love the way you sandwiched the description between reminders to breathe, because that is one of the most important and fastest ways to bring on the calm. Everything starts and ends with the breath. It also sounds fluid when read aloud--a nice rhetorical flourish.

This poem has a lovely symmetry. I did feel a "hitch" at "muscles cramp/pull them back". The rhythm fits, but I felt like this wasn't quite descriptive enough of the process of clenching and relaxing. I might have used the word "stretch", but it is your poem and only you have the blueprint. As poetry is not my strongest area, my suggestions arise from vague feelings rather than any technical knowledge.

I truly enjoyed this reminder to slow our lives and listen. Keep writing! I love to read about how other people contact the voice within.

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Going Away For Two Months !

Wow! You have a solid opening for your novel here. It was all I could do not to cry along with Olivia as she gave up her newborn daughter. Way to pull the heartstrings!

I'm definitely going to continue reading. I want to know what this little girl turns out to be, and I'm guessing from the title that she eventually meets her birth mother again.

I noticed nothing to detract from the flow of this piece. It seems short for a prologue, but it gets the job done well.

I would suggest using italics for internal dialogue, and putting it in a separate paragraph for easier reading.

Totally enjoyed the start of your book! Keep writing!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of The mirror image!  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello {suser: cemetarykat}!

Santa (Tigger) told me you were looking for reviews for Christmas, so I thought I'd sneak a long-overdue look in your port.

Man, do I understand this story! I look exactly like my mother also, and it bugs me daily. Now, I never looked like her when she was young and gorgeous, but not that I've hit 40 I look just like her. I wouldn't call that fair, but many of us go through it.

I love your ending--the fact that she's lived longer than her mother means her face is now an honor as opposed to a curse.

I did find a few grammatical errors, which hamper the flow somewhat.

She didn't mean too. (She didn't mean to.}

If you'd like some help with editing I'd be happy to help.

You've captured the feeling of growing older and the cycle of life at the same time. Great story!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of Grace  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello SonofDrogo !

I think this poem is more than what it simply appears to be! Layers of meaning here, mythos entwined, a trip through symbols into reverence--not unlike the delicious digs of Carol or Castaneda; but wrapped into one delectable piece of sushi.

Which means this is over my head and I'll need to ponder more. *Thumbsup*

Enchanting write, my friend!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of The Crocodile  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, emerin-liseli !

Thank you for entering the Rising Stars Shine Brighter contest for October.

I had to look up the Cascade poem on Kansaspoet's handy reference book "Invalid Entry. This follows the form well as far as I can tell. No rhyme gives this freedom to meander along in the water.

My favorite line/s:
His unassuming verdant bulk sits in sun with ease

I love this original mixture--the subject matter and rhythm are bouncy and youthful, yet the phrasing is almost Shakespearean. Truly a creative piece!

Good luck in the contest, and keep writing!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, CrazyCranium

I was checking out fellow Rising Stars and your port called to me.

This is one original review of Mozart's new album. As a fan, I knew I had to find out if it was any good, just in time to play it for Halloween.

One of several lines successfully merging myth and reality:
On it he voices scathing criticisms for the Demons and Devils guarding the paths of the dead; at one point going so far as to compare them to music executives.

I laughed out loud several times reading your review. I look forward to seeing if Ludwig will be suing that Walter Murphy dude for stealing "A Fifth of Beethoven".

Highly creative musings in your port. Write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of I See Dead People  
Review by KimChi
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello Pennywise !

I heard your work was brilliant so I decided to check--and I'm sure glad I did.

I don't usually enjoy the gory side of death, but I consider this masterfully written. You have perfected the art of pacing, leading the reader to the pinnacle of fear on the edge of realization. Good stuff--I'm learning a lot from your work.

Keep writing--I'll be on the lookout for more freaky thrills in the future!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Meg !

Thank you for entering the Rising Stars Shine Brighter contest for October.

What a neat idea for a poem--it makes me jealous because I don't know how to sew! Never did have matching anything. *Cry*

The rhythm and rhyme bounce along like a perky teenager who knows she's "all that". You not only captured a memory, but honored your mother at the same time. Nicely done!

My favorite line/s:
One dress that was my favourite
Was coloured white like snow.
With tiny loops all 'round the hem
Where ribbon was to go.


Thanks for showing how a simple skill can give you confidence at a time when the whole world is out to get you ~ adolescence. *Laugh*

Good luck in the contest, and keep the memories coming!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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148
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Victoria !

Thank you for entering the Rising Stars Shine Brighter contest for October.

Great character development for the husband! Everyone knows a sore winner, and you've shown him in full gloating glory. I especially liked the ending, because turn about feels so dang good. *Laugh*

My favorite line/s:
"You can't beat me! I win again! You two are LOO-OO-SERS!"

Thanks for the laugh!

Good luck in the contest, and write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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149
149
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ah... the witch knows her full moons!

A few simple words to tell a tale of longing and hope. The witch has caught fifty-five in her web to spin a mother's love.

She's a crafty one! Check out more writes from this talented author.

Write on!

150
150
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello mwonder !

Welcome to Writing.com! If you have questions about the site or my review, feel free to ask! Please know that I offer any suggestions in the spirit of assistance, but take only those which might make your work stronger.

First Impressions:
This is a wonderful story. I love that the title mirrors the theme, and the way you unravel the past while the main character is doing her ritual. However, with some editing this will shine.

Mechanics:
Some paragraphs are missing a blank line before or after (formatting.) If you put the story through spell check (there is one built-in on-site) it will catch misspellings. If you have MS Word, it can also pick up some grammar problems. I couldn't type my name without it!

Tense consistency:
I know it is difficult when you are describing time periods in the distant past. I've pulled a few examples, but I would be glad to go over this in more detail if you wish.

the clouds had turn into
had turned into

Every evening at this ritual, in her retrospection, something new and long forgotten facts will come to the surface and will make her feel warm and mushy.
Consider: Every evening, in her retrospection, new realizations and long forgotten facts bubble to the surface to make her feel warm and mushy.

Can you describe "mushy" more? Weak at the knees? Safe? Nostalgic? This awesome concept needs a more engaging word on which to end. I want to know if the feelings wrapped around her like a blanket, keeping her warm, or if her health is "mushy"--deteriorating in grief. This is a perfect opportunity to wow the reader by ending the paragraph with an image of the widow and her pain brushed against the sunset. Awesome setting!

Flow/Content:
The story is a fine accounting of a woman dealing with her husband's death. The ending is a strong affirmation of the continuation of love, and ties all the threads together nicely.

The flow seems uneven in spots, as the main character's recollections ramble on due to her pain and indecision. Consider condensing her feelings and/or adding a few detailed metaphors to leave a picture in the reader's mind. I've given you the idea of the blanket, but you could also use the cup of coffee. Her thoughts could rise like the steam, or she could put her hands around the mug and let it warm her like the memory of Andy. Those are just quick suggestions--I know you can think of something more creative!

Favorite line/s:
Yes she was thankful to Andrew for his insightful suggestion; her agitated self has suddenly heard a tragic but melodious song to let her feel the inner peace.

Overall:
The line above is brilliant! It shows how Andrew helped her mental state without giving too much detail. Your talent shines in this area--inspirational stories that leave the reader with an "inner peace".

I'm always happy to re-read and re-rate after an edit.

Thank you for a look inside the complexities of grief and love. Write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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