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Review of Chasm  
Review by KimChi
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, ImpulseZip !

Thank you for entering the Rising Stars Shine Brighter contest for September.

I love that you are pushing the boundaries of your writing. This is a creative take on the "empty nest" syndrome. As such, I think the "post-it" notes are a great way to show the rift between husband and wife, and the "he thought/she thought" worked well also. I wasn't sure about the physical rift at first, but I actually like the way you left the ending open to interpretation.

The portion about the clams served to take me out of the groove, however. I think it is funny, but it doesn't mesh with the remainder of the story. Perhaps condense it to a few lines?

I laughed at Maggie's secret fantasy, which is just strange enough that it could be real *Laugh*:
In between gasps she’d catch words like “expulsion” and “hazing accident” and “reasonable doubt” and “Mom, come and get me.”

Good luck in the contest, and keep experimenting!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Patricia Gilliam !

Thank you for entering the Rising Stars Shine Brighter contest for August.

By personalizing a contentious issue, you've deflected some of the criticism that might be thrown at you. Well done!

Your opening is especially thought-provoking, and involves the reader's senses immediately. I like the examples you give from your own experiences. Few would argue that our children and teens are desensitized to violence. However, I don't feel that you successfully linked this trend to a lack of God in the schools, since there are other factors at work in our culture that glorify violence.

Suggestions:
The thought occurred me (missing "to"?)

I understand the difficulty of word limits! You may wish to expand this more after the contest. Perhaps you could give specifics to flesh out your thoughts. For example, I'd like to know how your textbook was re-written to make it look like our country has no Christian heritage.

My favorite line/s:
Something I've never heard of anyone suggest--and would still be very diversity-oriented--would be just having every religious (or lack thereof) expression open and welcome in our schools.

I like your idea; I just don't think our society is ready for it. Not everyone is comfortable having Muslims pray in school, much less Wiccans!

Thank you for a well-written essay. You write from your heart, without forcing the issue, and with tolerance for other religions. Good luck in the contest, and keep speaking your mind! *Smile*


In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello emerin-liseli !

Consider this my entry in the
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by A Guest Visitor


I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. Keep in mind these are one person's suggestions. You asked for an in-depth review, so if any of my crits are related to style, please forgive me. I'll throw every nit out, and you can pick those that might make your work stronger. *Smile*

First Impressions:
There isn't much to critique here; this is a solid start to a novel. There are detailed descriptions that bring the setting and emotions to life, and the phrasing is varied to slow the reader down or incite drama as needed. Your vocabulary is varied enough to garner interest, but not too showy or intellectual as to put off readers. As far as I can tell the work is polished. *Thumbsup*

Grammar: (Please double-check my suggestions with a grammar book!)
Dust suffocated...of the Wing, rust scabbed
dust suffocated...of the Wing; rust scabbed

Radi scurried out of the way.... She picked them up
The subject of the first sentence and second do not match. You could get around this by using a description of Valoren instead of "she". (The enraged girl, the beautiful mage, etc.)

Repetition:
All of these may be related to style, but I thought I'd mention them.
tiny hint
a little trickle
Hint and trickle convey the idea of "small" well without the need for an adjective.

The intricate gardens sprawled across the Vé estate separated the rest of the Vé mansion from the decaying West Wing.
The only reason I noticed this is because it occurs in the first sentence, which should be as tight and provocative as possible. I suggest removing one use of "Ve" and/or using a descriptor in its place.

lay the West Wing library
Again, the first paragraph is crucial, and we already know we are in the West Wing.


Flow/Content:
Orb rolled off of Vivele’s lap
I thought the book was in her lap. How big is the orb? I assumed it was on the floor or hovering slightly. Wouldn't it be difficult to keep hugging her sister with a book and an orb on her lap?

The door flew open, and everything darkened.
"Everything" is imprecise. Did the room darken? I'd like to see more description here to herald the entrance of a person who could make children shiver in fear. *Laugh*

Radi crawled out from behind the curtain, but upon seeing her eldest sister, she dove back under it again.
Radi knew her sister had entered by the sound of her voice, correct? Perhaps it was the look on Valoren's face that made her dive behind the curtain?

Favorite line/s:
Valorén’s face was incensed, but frosty white, blending with the long, ivory-blonde hair that swept back from her face.

Overall:
Both the description of the book and the prologue are well-written, and draw the reader in to a fascinating world. I like that you ended the prologue without telling whether Vivele lived through the attack--it is a wonderful way to get your readers to turn the page. I'm guessing that attacking Vivele broke the spell, but I'm still unsure how that transferred Radi's power to Valoren. I hope to find out in the next chapter.

Thanks for an intriguing start--a window into an entire realm of magic. I can't wait to read more of this complex tale, and I'm always available to re-read and re-rate along the way. You write fantasy with a unique slant on magic and family relationships. Keep it up!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, ShiShad !

Thank you for entering the Rising Stars Shine Brighter contest for July.

I would never in a million years have thought to couple such an horrendous story with the sonnet form. This is a creative idea, well-crafted.

The only hitch I noticed (and I'm by no means a poetry expert *Laugh*) was the line: Followed with enemas speeding up plights. I think it feels forced to me because we no longer speak in that manner. "To speed up their plights" sounds more natural, but it is one extra syllable, so I see your predicament!

My favorite line/s:
Around Olalla walked the skeletons,
And locals called the place "Starvation Heights".

I especially liked the ending couplet--a nice turn, and poetic justice! Good luck in the contest, and keep the poems coming!


In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of Blinded?  
Review by KimChi
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello, mars !

Thank you for entering the Rising Stars Shine Brighter contest for July.

This poem evokes pain as well as compassion. Well done!

Each line is a favorite, so I won't quote any. I especially liked the question asked at the end that causes the reader to stop and think, to view the world through another's eyes.

Good luck in the contest, and write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of BURDEKIN SNOW.  
Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Meg !

Thank you for entering the Rising Stars Shine Brighter contest for July.

I like the clear images you've drawn of this "hot" snow. I could feel the stinging heat in my eyes. The rhythm and rhyme are almost perfect, and your words well chosen to provoke emotion. The pride in your native land comes through, as well.

My favorite line/s:
You know when it's coming, the smell gives it away,
And your eyes will water and pain.

Well done! Good luck in the contest, and write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, embe !

Thank you for entering the Rising Stars Shine Brighter contest for July.

The opening line throws the reader right into the heart of the matter--a wake up call to the problem of abused children.

The cacophonous sound...
Remind me of where I am.

In the cause of picky grammar I hold that the verb should be "reminds". *Laugh*

Because the opening is so dramatic and emotional, the section rhyming pray/today seems mundane in comparsion. This reader often misses poetic devices, so please forgive if I've misinterpreted something.

I like the way you've described the problem as a "cancer", not holding it to one country or region, and that you've directly addressed other writers to pick up the pen to fight the disease.

My favorite line/s:
Come? I invite you
Be part of the solution.

Thanks for writing about the solution as well as the problem. Good luck in the contest, and write on!


In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Jay Remi !

Welcome to Writing.com! If you have questions about the site or my review, feel free to ask! Please know that I offer any suggestions in the spirit of assistance, but take only those which might make your work stronger. This is only one reader's opinion, and I could very well be wrong!

First Impressions:
You have some wonderful details--the sights and sounds bring your settings to life. The hum of the lights, the breath visible in the air, the torn wallet--all great descriptions!

Mechanics:
You show a nice command of language; your grammar and spelling are great. I've picked out a few of my favorite punctuation nits. They aren't a huge deal, but I find that fixing minor "stuff" makes a piece seem more polished.

Semicolon to join complete sentences:
She has just given birth to a little girl, she was stillborn.
She has just given birth to a little girl; she was stillborn.

Some missing punctuation:
"We need to operate"
"We need to operate."

Flow/Content:
The plot so far is riveting. You've thrown the main character into a tough situation right at the beginning, and it is easy to feel sorry for him.

There are places that could be tighter, in my opinion. There is some repetition, where you've used the child's passing and the frosty breath in two places. You could cut the extras or rephrase those sections.

Doctor O'Connell has just started his shift,

Consider starting a new paragraph here. You could even go into the doctor's brain and give this information through his point of view. It would be easy since you've already discussed how he'd rather be shooting pool--another wonderful little tidbit that fleshes out this story.

Jeff stands up and walks....

This would be a nice place to start a new paragraph. The prior sentences show his internal state, and here you are giving him action. I love that you show that he looks a mess on the outside too--so much that the nurse thinks he's drunk! That is a detail that makes the scene real.

The one thing that disrupts the flow seems to be point of view--which is difficult for most people. I try to start a new paragraph when the speaker or actor changes--that helps me remember who's eyes I'm using. Usually. *Laugh*

Here, when Jeff walks, you are speaking as narrator, but the second sentence seems more like it is from Jeff's point of view. It can't be, though, because he can't see his own eyes. There is nothing wrong with the paragraph as it is, but it could be finessed.

Consider combining two of the sentences for clarity and flow. Maybe something like:

He stares lifelessly down the hall with hazy, distorted eyes.

Another thing I scan for are verbs like "be/make/do". They tend to throw an active sentence into passive voice. This is my favorite line. It is excellent as foreshadowing and setting at the same time:

"The exit sign occasionally flickers making the room tint red.

Consider:
The exit sign occasionally flickers, tinting the room red.

Overall:
I've given examples of some of the things I've noticed. You've got the story down--it is interesting, emotional, and descriptive. Having a solid story is the hard part. The remainder is editing, which isn't difficult so much as boring.

There is a lot of tension in this first chapter, which is a great start for a novel. Heartbreak and indecision rule, and just when you think the guy will off himself--bam! Boy, do you know how to write an end line! This one really captures a sense of adventure, and courage in the face of adversity. It makes me want to read the next chapter, so if you let me know when it's finished, I'd love to review it. And, if you decide to edit the first chapter, I'd be happy to take another look at it.

Thanks for showing how setting is integral to the story, lending excitement and holding the pace. Keep writing!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello Nikola~Loving Her Gracie Girl! !

I don't normally rate folders, although I couldn't tell you why...but your title is beguiling, and the nature poems contained inside are worth reading several times. The ribbon is well deserved!

You write well in this genre, and bring the outside world onto the page. Thank you for proving that an unadorned style can flow with grace and thoughtfulness. It is a pleasure to experience the seasons through your words.

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of Renewal  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello Nikola~Loving Her Gracie Girl! !

I hope my honest review will be helpful to you. Please understand that this rating is based more on my sense of aesthetics rather than any technical knowledge.

First Impressions:
I love the title--succinct and meaningful.

Flow/Content:
This has a lovely lilt due to the parallel clauses in the first three stanzas. I don't know if the switch from breaking/finding/filling to "takes place" was purposeful to set one up for the final line, but it did slow me down, and I read it several times because I was expecting "taking".

But I wasn't expecting the final line, which is a stunning summation.

Favorite line/s:
The Earth Mother is
rejuvenated.

Overall:
Another poem, another slice of nature's beauty. You do this so well.

In gratitude,

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Review of Barely Breathing  
Review by KimChi
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello Nikola~Loving Her Gracie Girl! !

I hope you find my honest review helpful.

This is a raw account of what bipolar must feel like. You give an overview in one stanza, then the highs, then the lows, and finally sum it up with four words: "I am barely breathing". I like the parallel construction of the first and third stanzas with the middle one holding the active imagery.

There is so much I can relate to here. As with all of your poetry, this piece is honest and succinct. There was one portion that stood out for me:

Racing thoughts
play bumper cars
in my head.
Make them stop!

The reason this isn't a five is because it feels like you are holding back some emotion that would give life (death?) to the lows. That is my personal intuition; I can't back it up with proof. Your technique is solid, and I'm learning a lot from it.

Thanks for describing a piece of your inner world. I have enjoyed each poem in your port!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of Winter's Night  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello Nikola~Loving Her Gracie Girl! !

I love the sparse style of your poetry! You say just enough, without any filler words, and yet the scenery is crystal clear. Well done!

I have no suggestions because each word is well-placed. I cannot choose a "favorite line" because it would be out of context in this small, simple, and elegant piece.

Thanks for the scenery!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello fyn !

I have nary a suggestion for this wonderful piece.

First Impressions:
I got chills at the end of your story. Exceedingly well done!

Favorite line/s:
"Sure thing," bubbled the waitress and bustled off with ankles swelling over the sides of her shoes.

Overall:
Love the details of the story--they are things to which readers can relate. The language is simple but the emotions conveyed are complex, and just when I thought I knew where this was going you switched it up. You told the tale so well that I was in the diner instead of behind the screen noticing typos.

Thanks for taking me into someone else's problems. I hope you are submitting this--it is a lovely read!

Kimchi

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Review of Complicated  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello HiddenEmotions !

Welcome to Writing.com! If you have questions about the site or my review, feel free to ask! Please know that I offer any suggestions in the spirit of assistance, but take only those which might make your work stronger.

First Impressions:
Great expression of your feelings. You've described three people here so well that I feel like I know them.

Mechanics:
My first suggestion is to leave a blank line between paragraphs so that the text is easier to read. Also, your entire piece consists of three paragraphs. The paragraph about "hope" could be separated into three paragraphs--one about how you fell for him, one showing his good points, and the last one about his betrayal. The same goes for the paragraph about "madness".

I still have hope that maybe one day he would start realizing how stupid he’s living his life and probably just maybe probably make the effort to CHANGE.

Using "maybe" and "probably" more than once as a rhetorical device may work when punctuation highlights the effect. In this instance "stupid" is used as an adverb, and would be "stupidly", except I do not believe that it's a word. You might want to check that.

Suggest:
I still have hope that one day he will start to realize how poorly he is living his life, and make the effort to change.

I was head over heels passionately mad about him, but his unfaithfulness, betrayal and mostly his lies was what I hated.
Sentences are easier to read when the structure is parallel. I was...I hated. He said...she loved. Also there are three traits, so the verb should be plural--"were".

Flow/Content:
You've packed a lot of emotions in this piece. *Thumbsup* My suggestion is to recheck your punctuation and formatting. Just a bit of cleaning up makes all the difference.

Favorite line/s:
Loneliness is like murder; it slaughters your soul without mercy.

Overall:
I like the way you've contrasted "hope" with "madness". It does get complicated, but you seem well on your way to untangling the mess and finding "pure love". Good luck...and write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Kimi !

I am sorry it took so long to answer your request. I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. Keep in mind these are one person's suggestions. Take those which will make your work stronger, and ignore the rest.

First Impressions:
A detailed explanation of a philosophical concept that many would reject as "relativism".

Crits and Nits:
The quotation you have used gets lost in the paragraph. Normally one would set it apart in its own paragraph, indented on both sides. I do not know the formatting code, but you could easily make it a separate paragraph.

It says “But whatsoever
It says:

“But whatsoever....

Then begin a new paragraph with:

Too often we dismiss....

and see them as good?
and see them as good.

from an immoral one from what society sees it to be
from an immoral one by what society sees it to be

we live in, that is perspective
we live in; that is the perspective

who is right; The former
who is right? The former

Flow/Content:
In my opinion, the length and complexity of your sentences weighs down the essay. Modern humans no longer speak in this manner. If this was written for a philosopy class, then it is perfect. If you wish the piece to be read by a large segment of the population, consider using more modern construction.

For example:
great divide between the good and the evil.
great divide between good and evil.

confliction of principals in action or thought of another relative to ourselves
This arrangement seems wordy.
Suggest:
conflict of principles between ourselves and another

This applies to us only when
Suggest starting a new paragraph here to contrast with the prior one.

Favorite line/s:
How then do we explain the negative actions of the few, who are punished and are deemed as evil by the society? This is because they think and live in a microcosmic environment, such that their plight or problem seems to overthrow the principles of society.

Overall:
I like that you took the time to explain the concept of "majority rules". The explanation of convicts was especially illustrative of what society deems proper. However, specific examples for each supposition, such as "stealing bread to feed your family", might serve to underline your points.

This is a good essay--it made me think. Each idea led logically to the next. For the philosophy and the rhetorical devices--thank you! Write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Meg !

Thank you for entering the Rising Stars Shine Brighter contest for May.

Good for the kids! I used cloth too, and the best thing about it was that baby girl potty trained early. She didn't like wearing them any more than I liked washing them!

This is a cute poem, the "Further Adventures of Boom and Shirl". I love that you've written those slices of life that many people would skip. As the years go by, the smallest things become more important...

My favorite line/s:
This fold goes here, and this one there,
He tried to be so neat.
But everytime he held up Dolly,
The nappy fell to his feet!

Thanks for the laugh, and good luck in the contest!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of Gross Boys  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello HeatherS !

Welcome to Writing.com! If you have questions about the site or my review, feel free to ask! Please know that I offer any suggestions in the spirit of assistance, but take only those which might make your work stronger. If you decide to make changes, I'd love to re-read and re-rate this.

First Impressions:
A fun adventure with realistic characters and silliness. Love the kids' competitive spirit at that "in-between" age!

Mechanics:
Other than a few punctuation nits, this is a solid piece. Well done!

good,” Zach beamed,” Here’s
good.” Zach beamed. ”Here’s

gulped,” If
gulped. ”If

scary,” Missy
scary.” Missy

forget,” Missy paused, “You’re
forget,” Missy paused, “you’re

(The continuation of a sentence after a tag should start with a lower case letter. In this case, one cannot beam or gulp dialogue, so you could make those separate sentences. As long as a complete sentence follows the dialogue, it does not need to be attached.)

of the parks fence.
of the park's fence.

Robbie added climbing
Robbie added, climbing

Flow/Content:
It had begun.
This seems anti-climactic and self-evident. It pulled me out of the story for a split second.

Otherwise, the action unfolds smoothly, and you didn't add any extra bits that were not needed to tell the story. *Thumbsup*

Favorite line/s:
They sauntered by the bank with heads held high and ponytails swinging. Suzy spoke loudly so the boys would certainly overhear. *Bigsmile*

Overall:
This is a cute story about children's ingenuity. I can see the personality traits of the characters, although I didn't have a clear picture of what they looked like. The girls have more movement, while the boys smile a lot. It wasn't until the end that we learn Zach has freckles. Despite the lack of physical description, the story comes to life. That is good writing!

This answers all the questions I had at the beginning. The tangled mess at the finish line and the pizza parlor antics had me laughing! You have a talent for dialogue, and there is humor throughout.

I look forward to reading more of your work. Write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of Grammarama  
Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello St. Patrickraken !

I wanted to point out this useful library to others on the site. Hope you don't mind.

First Impressions:
A feast for the grammar-starved.

Flow/Content:
I used your "Basic Word Choices" section to check the tenses of "lie". The "General Grammar" section explains concepts in more detail.

Overall:
A great collection of information for a crash course or a refresher on grammar. Good stuff. I have been using it a lot lately. Thanks for taking the time to create this.


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Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello PENsive is Meemaw x 3! !

Since you were so kind to review my work, I snooped around in your port! I picked this to review because I like scrapbooking, and it is listed as "inspirational".

Please accept only those suggestions which might make your work stronger. I hope you find them useful during editing.

First Impressions:
This is skillfully written. Love the happy ending!

Formatting:
But there was one flaw:
Since you do not follow this immediately with a thought, but instead start a new paragraph, ellipses might be more appropriate.

I answered:

“Hello?”

Here again a blank line separates a sentence. It might be better to connect them and start the paragraph with "I answered".

Flow/Content:
It feels like we are having a chat over a cup of tea! Lovely flow.

Favorite line/s:
Miracles come in all sizes; this miracle, which may not seem significant in and of itself, was a huge, life-changing event for my family and me.

Overall:
It is amazing to me that the seemingly smallest things in our lives give us the will to go on, and to excel. Don't forget to give yourself credit for all your hard work! Thanks for an uplifting tale, and write on!


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Review of Ouija  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Miranda Jones !

Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask! Understand this is only one person's opinion, so take only suggestions which will make your story stronger. I am always happy to re-rate if you decide to make changes.

First Impressions:
This is a creepy little story with a wise conclusion about the power of faith and suggestion.

Mechanics and Typos:
wont do
won't do

an exited April
an excited April

April, “So don’t
April, “so don’t

swallowed, “Right
swallowed, "right

creped my out
creeped me out

hadn’t know
hadn’t known

as effected by it
as affected by it

was quit a master
was quite a master

“no.”
"No."

Flow/Content:
On the whole this flows nicely. I have a few questions, however.

So, all those times I ignored the Ouija board it only made life worse.
I don't understand this sentence. It seems using the Ouija board actually made life worse.

I began to obsessively take it out
This seems out of place to the story, because the two girls have not yet begun to play with it. Perhaps it would fit better in the paragraph after the test where you talk about how it became an obsession.

Favorite line/s:
Its true power is the player. The participant is a tool.

Overall:
Most of the things I pointed out are minor, but more than a few typos are enough to detract the reader from the important part--the story itself.

You've told the story well, with good details and dialogue, and you wrapped it all up at the end with a moral. Good job! Keep writing!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of Living Nightmares  
Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello kasesad !

Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask! I am always willing to re-rate if you decide to make changes.

First Impressions:
This made me very sad that a child should have to experience such evil.

Mechanics and Typos:
her other
her mother

asked him too
asked him to

had asked for
had asked for it {?}

out side
outside

said "Hello
said: "Hello

Flow/Content:
This should probably be separated into paragraphs. I suggest starting a new paragraph at "she knew in her heart", "she rolled over", and "Janie dozed off". However, it is really for you to decide which thoughts go together.

Also, it makes the text easier to read on a computer screen if you put a blank line between each paragraph, but a standard five space indent is fine also.

Favorite line/s:
As she prepared herself for what was to come a silent tear slid down her cheek.

Overall:
This is an entire story in a very few words. Just knowing what she is thinking is enough to realize what will come, and it seems very realistic to what a seven year old might feel about the situation.

Your last line summed it all up perfectly and gave your reason for the title. Well done. Keep the pen to the page!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of Giggles  
Review by KimChi
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello Mandrz !

Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask! Understand that this is only one person's opinion, so take only that which will make your story stronger. I am always willing to re-rate if you decide to make changes.

First Impressions:
This is a short introduction, but enough to pique the reader's interest.

Mechanics:
It wasn't this heavy before, she thought, but it's alive now.
"It wasn't this heavy before," she thought, "but it's alive now."

It gives the reader a subtle clue if you use either quotation marks or italics for internal dialogue. Also the sentence before that says that Maxine never realized how heavy he was. One sentence or the other might be enough to show its weight.

soemthing
something

Flow/Content:
Both the flow and her actions proceed logically. I got a good sense of the girl's fear, and with just one laugh, I saw "its" insanity. Great emotional reactions in this piece!

it bared /He tore

The jump from "it" to "he" in the same paragraph seemed abrupt, and pulled me out of the story. If you want to switch to "he", I suggest doing so in a new paragraph, toward the end.

It also seemed out of place to go from "it" squealing with glee in a blood bath to blaming it on her parents in the next line. I don't read a lot of horror so I could be completely off base here.

Favorite line/s:
But she couldn't just sit there like that, wound up in her heavy blankets like a butterfly in its cocoon.

Excellent visual and foreshadowing at the same time! Well done! *Thumbsup*

Overall:
I no longer have to wonder why the name of a horror story is "Giggles". It certainly fits!

This is a good start to your story, but you could "flesh" it out a bit, and make it longer. The scene where you state it was a "long and painful process" for the girl could be made more...painful. You've told me, but I want to be shown. I've already seen her innards, so there is no harm in showing her writhing body or hearing her screams... *Smile* Sorry, that part kinda grossed me out--in a good way!

You have a good little evil character here...have fun and let him out to play, and the novel will write itself. I look forward to more creepy stuff from your port, so keep writing!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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173
173
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello GabriellaR45 !

I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. Keep in mind these are one person's suggestions. Please take those which will make your work stronger, and ignore the rest.

First Impressions:
And here I thought you only wrote beautiful poetry...

Typos:
and bold; His
and bold; his

railied against
railed against ?

Flow/Content:
This is a short memory, but packed with wonderful details. I love your economy of words here--each one chosen precisely. In six paragraphs you described the man, your relationship, and your reaction to it. Well done!

Favorite line/s:
Looking out from his frame, a conspicuously confident man still challenges me with defiant laughter while the details of his features begin to blur as the photo fades slightly with age.

This one line brought this man to life by the second sentence. It also brought back a swarm of memories of a similar experience in my own life.

Overall:
I see now that poetry helps develop skills that make prose even more beautiful. (I'm slow, but learning something new every day.) Thank you for the crash course in poetic phrasing, and write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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174
174
Review by KimChi
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello fyn !

I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. Keep in mind these are one person's suggestions. Please keep those which will make your work stronger, and ignore the rest.

First Impressions:
I read your entire book one sleepless night--I could not stop reading. I did not take the time to review it properly, so I will now. This review is for the first chapter.

Typos and Technicalities: I am unsure if these are in the story on purpose to show that she is writing quickly, so I'll point them out anyway.
chronicals = chronicles
recreae = recreate
Wonder if Washington = Wonders if Washington

Flow/Content:
Scattered, and a little frantic, but the protagonist seems to have her priorities in order. In other words, perfect for a post-apocolyptic world!

Favorite line/s:
God, it is nice to know that in spite of bombs and mayhem and the end of the world that my hormones still work.

Overall:
I love the mix of characters...from a kid to a dog to an elderly couple...who have been thrown together by fate. The pace is just right and it all flows smoothly. The first question that popped into my head was: "Why isn't this published?"

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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175
175
Review by KimChi
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Molly Jean !

I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. Keep in mind these are one person's suggestions. Please keep those which will make your work stronger, and ignore the rest.

First Impressions:
The second chapter is just as cool as the first.

Crits and Nits:
All of these are minor editing errors. I skipped the semicolon and comma issues for now, because I'm not firing on all cylinders. I'm pretty much a Metro at the moment.

At dinner, Georgia
This paragraph has eight sentences that start with "she". You might want to mix it up somewhat, or combine some. Or make two paragraphs. Or maybe even clip them down and emphasize them as a rhetorical device. Or none of the above...

properly,” “they’re
properly. "They're

The mini skirt and I
The mini skirt--and I

never by this
never buy this

on this years
on this year's

he was took her place
he was, took her place

occasionaly
occasionally

Flow/Content:
Always making excuses for her, her lack of social training, her off hand comments, her impulsiveness.
In one sentence you described two people. *Thumbsup*

Favorite line/s:
His eyes were the color of deep rich whiskey, and as intoxicated as she already was she felt it might be a good idea not to get herself too deep in them. *Blush*

Overall:
You just don't know how much fun I'm having reading this. Your characters seem real to me. Part of it is that I know some of these types of people, but more of it is that you give them weaknesses right off the bat. Great depth of characters.

The internal dialogue about clueless people is perfect for your heroine. There is wisdom behind her sass--even if she doesn't know where the ride is going. Love it.

Plus, to be blunt, that white shirt Chance is wearing has got to go... *Bigsmile*

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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