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87 Total Reviews Given
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26
26
Review of Magnolia  
Review by Kit_Carmelite
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this.

You don't need the apostrophe before the "s" in the first line.

For the O line, suggestion:
"Open and blooming in early spring"

For the L line, suggestion:
Use the word offering or emitting rather than spraying.
Leave out the "an" altogether

For the I line, suggestion:
Use the word "aroma" instead of "smell" OR
"Intense, delicious, heavenly scent"
27
27
Review by Kit_Carmelite
Rated: E | (4.0)
"Losing Fairy Wings E: Kaera doesn't listen to her father's warning about Fairy Law and loses her wings...

{Overall Impression:}

I enjoyed this piece which appears to be written for children, though I'm not sure which age-group you are targeting. It shows there could be a serious price for disobedience. Kaera must be a "teenage" fairy!


{Spelling:}

"Then you loose your wings..." I think you must mean "lose" not "loose" in this sentence. Something a spell-checker would NOT pick up. ;)

The exclamation "Yae" should maybe be "Yay!"

The word "sparkily" should be "sparkly".

{Questions :}

If Kaera is so small that she is mistaken for a bug or butterfly, it is illogical that she could move the doll in the tree-house.

Also, if all her people are so small, how could humans attend any of their events?

{Suggestions & Comments:}

Give the other characters names as well; especially the little boy, his sister and his uncle. Later in the piece, the phrase "OK brother, it's time to let the butterfly free..." would be more clear. As it is, we assume the sister is talking but she may not even be in the room at the time.

Change "...doesn't listen very good" to "is rebellious" or some other descriptive word or change "good" to "well".

Change "he asked her to stand..." to "he took her hand and helped her to stand..."

In some places, the narration is a bit too wordy or the phrase is awkward. For example, in the phrase "most favourite spot" doesn't need the word "most" is redundant. Another example: "there was no Grandpa playing his violin." could be changed to "he wasn't there."

In other places, there is repetition. For example, the word peaceful is used in two consecutive paragraphs. One of them could be changed to either "calm" or "quiet".

Some parts lack clarity. For example "...the little girl had left her doll outside." If the doll was in the tree-house, it wasn't outside. Perhaps use the word "behind" instead. In another instance, it seems that he went to get the bug-box but in a later sentence, it seems he had it in his pocket.


{Characterization:}

You did a great job portraying the little boy's thoughts and motives as well as his confusion and delight about Kaera. You also show the family's united sense of values that the "butterfly" should be set free.


{Closing Comments:}

This is a delightful little fantasy tale. I would be happy to review it again should you decide to revise it.



{user: Kit_ISIS_Kat}
{email: kit1197@Writing.Com }
No matter what, keep writing! *Smile*
28
28
Review of Tick Tock  
Review by Kit_Carmelite
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
There was so much I liked about this piece, I hardly know where to start. - The linking of the watch to the journey (when the watch stopped, so did the journey)
- Your description of the day using artist metaphor (a monotone world) - maybe monochrome would have been a better word. - The reference to so-called friends and traitors shows the reader the character's paranoia. - The exxagerated happiness of being able to do what is mindless routine to most of us (dressing) and the bizzare behaviours of hiding food under floorboards and the apathy of not caring where he put books - all these SHOW the reader that the character's self-assessment isn't imaginary.

Awesome portrayal of the inner world of someone who is suffering in a way that few would understand.
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