A nice song. I particularly like the 1st part of the bridge. It is simple, clear, and uses rhyme well.
Have you thought about how many times each part is to be sung? That info would make a nice addition, such as verse two times, then refrain, then verse once, refrain once, bridge. It's totally up to you, but I find it can give a deeper sense of how the overall effect would go.
I could not detect a rhythm to the lyrics, which always makes it harder to review them. Sometimes a tune wil be obvious for a reader, but in this I could not.
It looks fine, I just can't tell what it will sound like.
Some constructive comments for your consideration.
"Yescomma you are King"
"But itlsit's You I want to see"
In the last part, the two "Will"s ask questions. I think it would be stronger to make it a statement. For example 'I will yield' or 'Yes, I will yield'
What better poem to read, but one that combines writing and horse riding? Two things after my very own heart.
Verse two is my favourite. The rhythm, rhyme and point are all great!
For me, the rhyme got in the way of this poem. They made the poem seem "plasticy" somehow. The first three lines (as appear on the image) are lovely, but mostly the rest never quite meet the same level.
I think I would prefer to see the poem written without the rhyme and see how that works. Remaining true to the love that is obvious, but without the garnish of a rhyme scheme to deaden the passion, or a rhyme scheme used more selectively.
Aw, this just sighs full of romantic mood and imagery. It flows beautifully and is simply a joy to read. It breathes through me still, even as I write thie review.
You have touched me with your words and left an impression that lingers.
This is definitely one that I have to bookmark for a Romance/Love newsletter feature.
This is a cool read. I love the rhyme scheme and you've worked it in so naturally, apart from a couple of areas noted below. I enjoyed the feel, the images and the truths displayed herein.
The rhythm is good, and I guess that the issues I note below have occurred to maintain that rhythm.
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
Grammar and Spelling
"there is no room for fearful night" _ I would prefer 'a fearful night" (or the less desirable, since it creates an imperfect rhyme, 'fearful nights')
Hehehe, this was fun. Such a classic story, that when the chosen words are inserted, it still makes a certain amount of sense.
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
Grammar and Spelling
"Saint [name],with his" - insert a space after the comma
The first name that is inserted (I turned out to be a saint! ), is called a "he". Changing the text to s/he or requiring a male name on the words to be inserted would remove this anomaly.
Overall Comments
Quite often a madlib is just non-sensical, which is part of the appeal. But this one is well thought through, the prompts for the words are clear and appropriate, which results in a funny end-read.
Ah, you are so fortunate. To see behind the scenes of what happens at W.C HQ! Wow, how I would love to do that.
This is a cute account. You mentioned names that I have not thought of in a long time, and it makes me wonder if they are around any more (I shall have to go search after this review).
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
'Plot'
Adding the year to the date and time at the top would aid the reader.
Grammar and Spelling
"for the their members"
Other (including, but not limited to: word choice, repetition, passive, tense, etc.)
I found the ...'s sometimes distracting, especially here: "Mr.Ed…was" where I do not feel they are needed.
Overall Comments
A nice little snippet from the Convention -- it was the first one, wasn't it?
I am so envious of all you lucky people! I wish I could go, but I know if I did, once would not be enough.
What a brilliant idea! This is so cool, and the accompanying pic is a great illustration of exactly what you meant. In this case a picture does really say a thousand words.
What spoiled cats, and why shouldn't they be.
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
Grammar and Spelling
"farmers mower." - use a question mark instead of the full stop. You may actually want to use a question mark after each part, instead of using commas between what are actually individual questions.
This is a clever poem. Well constructed, well thought out.
A perfect little moment that rings with truth, and yet makes the reader feel something for an insect. And spiced with a nice envelopment of humour that trademarks your writing.
Ah, now here the emotion carries over well. This is sad, and your use of the repetition at the end gives a very haunting beauty to the overall impression the reader is left with.
I love the name of the horse, by the way.
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
Grammar and Spelling
"Four month'smonths is"
"carrying my spirits" - unless referring to the drinkable kind, shouldn't this be 'spirit'?
"would be steed" - hyphenate 'would-be'
"mMy heart"
Overall Comments
The rhythm could be improved on this poem, but the emotiveness of the poem carries it through. A sad, but lovely read.
This is a 'careful' discussion on ways to promote the site. Your warnings about 'netiquette' are good. Have you considered inserting the word 'spam' somewhere? Most people will be familiar with that term, but I have had some users wonder if sending a normal email is spam (I've had such queries in my inbox, and in all cases it wasn't spam). Linking the word with your phrase
"Bulk emailing people without solicitation through a mailing list is not acceptable and is poor "netiquette"!"
might reach a few more 'new' internet users who join.
This is really something I should try to do more of myself.
I particularly like the emphasis you have placed upon reviewing as a learning tool for writers. I have learned so much more through reviewing other people's work than I could have imagined. I learnt what I do and do not like. I have learned what works and what misses in a story. Sometimes these ideas are hard to verbalise, so experience in recognising them is invaluable. Like osmosis, it carries over into the reviewer's own writing.
This is a clearly formatted, concise explanation, advice and encouragement in one.
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
You've packed a punch into this poem! In such a short span and a small amount of words, you blended love and horror, It is shocking, emotive and gripping.
I don't know that I like the formatting at the end (the bold and the colour), but I do like the trailing off effect.
Overall, a short, attention=grabbing poem. Nice writing.
A rather interesting poem. My initial thought was "what on earth?!" But as I read on, I appreciated the word play and the odd word that sent me scurrying to my dictionary.
This has such a lighthearted feel, plain playful.
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
Grammar and Spelling
The limpet's speech should be in quotation marks, making it easier to follow, especially when reading lines 2 and 3 of the 2nd verse.
Overall Comments
It's nice to read something that is bizarre, and intended to be. A lovely sense of humour.
Ah, I love a happy ending. Your situation is believable, real. A huge plus! The story moves along well, and the reactions of the characters is mostly believable -- though Brian never explains why he leaves after Emily's revelation.
An enjoyable story.
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
Plot
The scenes in the middle about the blind date and the bus is a bit "bolt of lightening in a blue sky" There is no lead in, and is such a harsh change from the flow of the story. I would suggest finding a softer way to introduce this scene.
Grammar and Spelling
"you can see the resemblenceresemblance"
"Susan arrivescomma and I want to"
"Yes," she says as she moves past me,I hadn't realized I'd stopped walking,and helps herself to a cup of my coffee. "I met up with him last week at the bookstore." - this paragraph is a confusing mix. The separate colours indicate which bits belong together in their own paragraphs. There are a number of places where this occurs. Generally, statements, speech etc about a character should be separated from other that of characters in different paragraphs.
"Sshe downs the coffee"
"Thanks." she says - a comma should be used before the end quotation mark, in place of the full stop, when there's a following dialogue tag.
"I shoutcomma but the knocking"
"suceedingsucceeding only in throwing"
"Now that the water gushes down on me, I actually have a slightly clearer mindset." - be wary of words such as 'actually' that do not add anything to a story. O would also rephrase this sentence, as I thought the wording a bit unnatural eg. 'With the water gushing down on me...'
"acknowledge my lonlinessloneliness"
Other (including, but not limited to: word choice, repetition, passive, tense, etc.)
"Oh, but I had longed for it!" - the "had" turns this sentence passive, and I also think that statement is true of both the past and present.
"but" is used frequently. Running a word count via Writing.com will give you your most often used words and this is a good gauge if there's some overused expressions creeping into stories.
"eye and I begin to rub it" - eliminate unnecessary words, it helps tighten up the action.
"woman, you seem to be the only one that I have ever been attracted to" - "seem/seemed" is another dragchain on a story. Make the speech more definite '...you are the only one...'
Overall Comments
A lovely read. Compelling, real dialogue and believable situations make this a romance one anyone could identify with.
This is an absolutely brilliant discussion. Your points are well laid out, clearly headed and progress through in a logical manner. I love the blend you give to each point - the subject, the meaning, your own personal commentary/testimony, followed by a set of Scriptures that have particular relevance to the subject. Well thought out, done in "plain" language that anyone can understand, not specialist Spiritual terminology. That is so important.
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
Grammar and Spelling
"his only thought is to destroy"
"lot of times, we give Satan" - delete the comma
"clean-livingcomma bitter woman"
"boat while werewe're floating on a piece of driftwoodcomma but remember"
Overall Comments
For the length of the piece there are very few typos. The whole was eminently readable and inspirational. Thank you!
I was fortunate that the first complete story I read in the interactive was completely composed by yourself. It was very funny. And I loved the idea of the bears in Goldilocks as being "tree-huggers". Some of the other additions I read through were a little 'out there', but certainly on the whole it's very entertaining.
The shame with interactives is that most people don't take the time to write it in Word and run a spell check, so they are usually riddled with typos. I noticed a few in the various strands I read. Some entries are also rather short and uneventful, but that is part of the uniqueness of interactives - there is no control over where a person does, or does not take the story.
All in all, though, it was a fun journey, and I will be back to read more of the threads to this interactive, and maybe even add some of my own.
This poem captures the changeable nature of water and it's confines. The building of crusted formations and then their demise is a powerful statement. The construction is solid, and I feel that it supports the raw power that you describe.
You could deepen the imagery a little: "Stone tumbles away" - why not use 'boulders' instead of "stone", or rubble etc.
I like the changes from the impure to the pure. It leaves a refreshed, positive feeling at the end.
The imagery is strong and powerful in the first two verses. I could feel the pound of the water and hear the swishing.
I liked the structure of those first verse more so than the other two. I found them visually more interesting, though the change in style is consistent (half and half formatting).
There are some nice moments of alliteration that enliven the imagery even more.
The resulting feel is one of bittersweetness. You start with beautiful uplifting scenes, then change to a tragic death and end with the soaring of a spirit which is both tragic and beautiful. An itneresting journey of emotions, and one that challenges comfort.
This is a capitivating tale. I love the interweaving of the fog and how it is used to convey emotion, mood, atmosphere and mystery.
I found it interesting that you chose to have the imagery of the fog clear after the conviction, I would have thought it would get deeper. Interesting how people can take something and create different feels from it.
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
Grammar and Spelling
"The jail guards bringtakes me places"
"like lava blasts the vent open" - a couple of options, depending on your intended meaning. 'like lava blasting the vent open' OR 'like lava blasts, the vent opens.'
Overall Comments
A good read that brings one fully into the events, makes them believe in what's happening. It does not disappoint.
This is a sweet, gentle journey of self-discovery that is quite endearing. I like the discussion on recognition -- it is something we humans seem to need. Everyone wants to feel as if they are real; both seen and heard. The simplicity of the man's smile is great, it expresses how easy it is really, if we can just appreciate it for what it is.
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
Plot
You made a feature out of where the narrator finally ended up going, yet you don't actually tell us where that was.
Grammar and Spelling
" sinuses to disspatedissipate"
"afternoon, it was quiet" - delete this comma
"After aAll this time, it finally occurred"
Other (including, but not limited to: word choice, repetition, passive, tense, etc.)
"vision blurred as tears fought their way" - look for ways to strengthen the story by making the action more vibrant - "vision blurred with tears fighting their way' "fighting" is a much more active descriptor than "fought"
Another example: "I tripped over a stick and collapsed on the concrete below me." This time eliminating additional words, also - Tripping over a stick, I collapsed onto the concrete.
"provided I had it in the first place" - I don't believe "provided" is the correct word choice here.
Overall Comments
The narrative could be tighter and some more emotional investment given, but overall this story makes the point in a soft, reflective manner.
*guffaw* Oh, dear. This is toilet humour at its very funniest! A great rhythm, fine use of rhyme, and the subject make this a total crack-up. I am still laughing!
Thank you so much for bringing some laughter to my day. It's wonderful!
This has quite a self-analytical feel to it. I liked the poignancy of the last verse, where finally the feelings can be expressed with some amount of freedom.
I think most people would have experienced a similar situation, but I do not think that your poem conveys any empathy. I found myself thinking that it was both cold and over-dramatic -- yes, I admit that sounds strange. We are dramatic beings when it comes to the heart issues, but when discussing something that one professes to be so distraught over, one might expect more passionate language.
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
Grammar and Spelling
"I will try to let go of the pain of tomorrow"
"my vain hope that she will call me late tonight
or on her way home tomorrow,
that..." - this reads a little strangely, and I believe it is because the comma is in the wrong place. Remove the one from after "tomorrow", and add one after "tonight"
"...mourn for this a few..." - I think this reads better when rephrased 'mourn this for a few'
Overall Comments
I can see the feelings and understand them, but on the whole the poem did not convey the emotion to me.
A nicely woven story. I love the way you end it, leaving it to the reader's imagination as to what happens next. It leaves a delightful sense of harsh justice.
Your imagery of the moon is great. I enjoyed that bit.
Some constructive suggestions for your consideration:
Mostly punctuation issues:
"hysteria slowingslowly seeping"
"voice: "Please!" - the colon before the speaking is not necessary. Just use a full stop, as normal.
"Don't rise too fast." - where the thoughts of a character appear (as in this phrase), the most common formatting is to put it in italics. This signals to the reader that it is internal dialogue of the character.
"Then she thought of George.comma aAnd she began walking slowly"
"hadcomma and always wouldcomma make"
"poundscomma and were getting"
"clean upcomma but he'd left"
"she kenwknew George was probably was sitting"
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"there is no room for fearful night" _ I would prefer 'a fearful night" (or the less desirable, since it creates an imperfect rhyme, 'fearful nights')
), is called a "he". Changing the text to s/he or requiring a male name on the words to be inserted would remove this anomaly.
I wish I could go, but I know if I did, once would not be enough.
But as I read on, I appreciated the word play and the odd word that sent me scurrying to my dictionary.
"hysteria