A very emotive relation of the story. How awful for such a beautiful little dog to be gone so soon. Labradors and collies are two of my favourite dogs, so I found it particularly poignant a tale.
Some constructive suggestions for your consideration:
"we had looked(,) but nothing seemed "just right"; and then a tragedy had rocked our family. My husband's botherbrotherhad died"
"While her brothers pushed each other"
"be Juliet. aAll curled up at"
"was feeling totoo well that weekend anyway."
"took her out side" - outside
"emergency clinic , she" - remove the space before the comma
"But in the mean time we were" -meantime
"took her back to the back room." (or call the 'back room' something else.
"first shots totoo soon ... the black bars went totoofar across the page."
I like your characters. They are so far, well-defined and quite distinct speech patterns make it easy to follow who is speaking.
There are numerous points at which you could expand this to give the reader more details and give more of the story behind the events. What transpires while she is nursing him back to health?, for instance. This could be as simple as referring to a deepening bond or something. Also some more description would help build the scene in the reader's mind. What was the building like that the ogre was sleeping in?
Your story is interesting, but it is difficult to read with the large paragraphs and little to visually break it up. At a minimum, using indents at the beginning of each paragraph (type {indent} where the indents are to go), but I suggest blank lines between paragraphs are even better, especially when reading on a computer screen.
A few constructive suggestions for your consideration:
NB. square brackets indicate an addition, round brackets a deletion, with regards to punctuation.
"He came from the dark[,] dank[,] swamp forest."
"One he found hard(,)[;] one that"
"rivers in the quitequiet hours between"
"As the rat lie dieingdying he glanced sideways to the girl. She stood there breast heaving, sweat dripping from her firm jaw, weapon hanging limp in her hand her eyes staring at the dieingdying thing at her feet."
"l'il un(.)[,]” his normally deep voice"
"wet ferm eyes[.]” wWith that he drew"
"“Join me in a drink(,)[.] tThere is a quiet tavern..."
An interesting old tale and it would make a nice short play, or read aloud on radio. It is classified as a short story though, so my comments reflect that.
Constructive suggestions for your consideration:
"On the edge of a moon litmoonlit beach is a small pub, the (what?!) building for miles." - this doesn't make sense, is there a word missing, 'only' perhaps.
"deep in a conversation."
"But he wanted to travel to the new world. For years he said, let’s go to the new world." - simplify and remove the repetition, something like - But for years he's said to her, "Let's go to the new world."
"were produced form the sea" - from
"watched a dark, encloaked figure"
The format of this is for a play, quite a different style than for a short story. I would suggest either changing the type from short story to play or rewrite so that the characters are introduced to the reader more naturally. More character development would be required for a short story, rather than the descriptive introduction/scene setter than there is at present.
I would suggest adding a blank line between paragraphs and between each change of person speaking. This makes it a lot easier to read and follow.
The opening is very descriptive, too much so for a short story. The details should be filtered in amongst the story so tht we gradually get the picture of what's happening. For a play, of course, what you have is much more fitting.
A sweet poem of reminiscent dreams. Some pretty images given.
Some constructive suggestions for your consideration:
"Pastel flowers all in a row," - I think this gives a better effect and removes the repetition with the previous line
"The crackling offrom a cozy fire," - of appears quite frequently and can tend to become jarring. Replacing this 'of' with 'from' keeps the same rhythm and meaning but offsets some of the repetition.
songs/lawns - an imperfect rhyme and it seems a shame when the rest has been achieved so well. (sighing winds swing the gongs?)
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
There are a lot of grammar and spelling errors (including in the title of the piece). If you write it first in a word processing programme, it will help you catch those things. Writing.com has a spell check facility too.
There are also a number of instances where the word used is correctly spelled, but is the wrong one for the context. For example: "support to the troops ratherwhether it's by a package or a hug"
You have a beautiful message here, but unfortunately, many people will be turned off by the lack of attention to spelling and grammar. If you would like a more in-depth review, then please let me know, but do give it a go yourself. Also, please do not be discouraged by the errors--these things can be fixed. What you have to say is important and valuable.
I look forward to seeing more of you around the site. Please feel free to drop a line to me, or any moderator (blue case) if you have any queries. And...have fun exploring!
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Hello, and welcome to Writing.com. It is so great to have you here.
Now, about your item:
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
"foraging for food with her thisthat evening." - correct the tense
"let mother takekeep the lead." - to be nipped on the bottom means he has not passed his mother yet, hence the suggested change.
"He then ran up against her left side" - "then" makes the action more removed.
Mom, Mother, Dad and Father are sometimes capitalised, sometimes not. Be consistent in handling of the name/titles
A felt that the ending seemed a little cut-off. I think it needs to be developed a tad to give a completed feeling, otherwise there was no result to Mikey's lesson.
A cute, and rather sad story. I liked your method of story-telling though it is a little wordy in some places. An enjoyable read.
I look forward to seeing more of you around the site. Please feel free to drop a line to me, or any moderator (blue case) if you have any queries. And...have fun exploring!
Puditat
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Aw, that's too sad. Poor Jason! Although at least he had the happiness of freedom for a bit. There's a lesson in that.
Come constructive advice for your consideration:
"Dinner was nothing fancy. I made a roasted chicken,some vegetables and potatoes,but for dessert" - here and in some other places throughout the story, the commas need spaces after them.
"I believed," He began, "that when - He is speaking in present tense so it should be 'believe'. The "He" does not need to be capitalised.
"He says my fans should get to know me, the author."
"I felt sorry for him, but now I had to ask him, "Jason," - the reader knows who she is talking to.
This was a lovely read, despite the way it ended up. Easy to read and sweetly told.
I love the action that you show in the last paragraph. A good ending, though you might want to spell out exactly what he saw.
I like how you've taken an 'everyday' occurence and turned it into an adventure for us all.
Constrcutive advice for your consideration:
Some excess words. In the cases that follow, the words I have suggested to cull all say the same thing or give the same message as the rest of the sentence. Words such as "began" are often unnecessary and have the effect of dulling the action.
"As he walked into the office waiting room"
"his name was called aloud."
"began to dart his eyes around quickly and began to take labored breaths" (repetition)
"He heard the nurse begin to talk" (these words diffuse the action)
"...eyes(comma)and began to asking in a more panicked voice..."
"She was cut off as Brett began to speakspoke in a dry husky voice,"
Other matters:
"left the doctorsdentist's office"
"Marina asked with a sullen tone(comma) half expecting Brett to start gripping his chest any second in the panic(hyphen)like expression of" - There are a few areas where commas are required in the story. As a auggestion, read it through aloud and wherever you naturally want to pause, that's probably where a comma should be placed. This won't catch everything but will go a good deal of the way towards correct punctuation.
"resounded insider her head" - inside
Overall
The story basis is good but the action and speech is often dimmed by excess words or by the choice of words. Some punctuation issues, also, but all things that can easily be addressed.
I liked your story, which took me on a journey that I found to be quite original.
Aw, so sad. It would have been so nice to see the sleigh protected and cared for, though somehow it is also fitting that it went the way of the couples.
A couple of constructive suggestions for your consideration:
"I almost can hear myself" - a more natural word order would be 'I can almost hear myself'
"to take my grandmother(comma) Bridgit(comma) a courtin'."
Again, I liked this. The style is so readable and the reminiscent nature attractive and restful.
An interesting story within the poem. Sometimes I felt the word order was a little complex which clouded the meaning. Perhaps reordering some of the thoughts might address that, keeping the flow simpler.
“Hate poured out of Fiona's eyes like a torrent river.” – great image and great opening but “torrent” isn’t quite right. Torrential would be better but still is not quite correct. ‘river in flood’ would be even more correct.
“any thought {c}as to where she was going”
“realized that her leg washad healed”
“movie all ready.” - already
“cat was no where to be seen” - nowhere
Plot problems:
Didn’t find any.
Questions:
None.
General comments:
None.
My own personal opinion:
Action is again more passive than desirable but it is certainly a moody story. It’s starting to get very spooky and tense. Changing the action to more active will help intensify that tension and glue the reader to the pages.
“Why don't you stay home,and rest for the weekend, and I'll see”
“time to breath.” - breathe
“Susan was wearing a silver dress with gold trim, which she had never seen before, that went down to her ankles.” – change the order to give a more logical progression. I suggest putting the bit highlighted in red before the bit in blue.
Plot problems:
Didn’t find any.
Questions:
Why is the time that Susan goes to sleep important? Maybe an opportunity to show some of her emotional turmoil?
General comments:
“As the sun disappeared on the horizon … as the roots were pulled from the earth.” This paragraph uses “as” a lot. Try eliminating some of the repetition to keep phrasing fresh.
My own personal opinion:
Oooooo, what a great ending. Perfectly suspenseful and desperate. Nice!
This chapter builds well and the events are interesting and varied to keep the reader interested.
I like the range of emotions protrayed in this story, from the happiness to the sadness, finalyl ending with peace and contentment.
I like, too, the unique point of view, from the doll. It gives it a nice cohesion and link through the passage of time and generations.
Some technical notes to consider:
"with a white a veil"
"I was
cramped and" - remove the line break
"obtained from the ?? I felt." word missing?
"girl shouts jumping up" - add a comma after "shouts"
"She heard her say that, she had put the doll"
When using "grandma" as the woman's name, it should be capitalised
I wondered why Vivien is spelled as ViVien ... is there a reason for this. I thought it might be to emphasise how the name was prounounced, but if so, it does not need the internal v to be capitalised past the first occurrence in speech.
"wooden
box, smooths" - remove line break
All in all, this is a sweet story and a lovely read.
The repetition is interesting here though I am not convinced that I like it *sorry*
That aside, the picture created is accurate though it seems to be stilted, coming in snatched bites, rather than the fluidity I usually like in poetry.
These things are personal preference and aprt from that, I cannot find a fault in the construction, grammar, or spelling. Nice work!
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
"Tea, a new coffee mug, a new dime..." - I wonder if it is necessary in this list of presents, to specify most things as new? Perhaps including new before the list would be better.
"over the man's shoulder were peering the frightened eyes of a girl" - a bit more natural to have 'peering over the man's shoulder were the frightened...'
"I can goget the doctor"
"own belongings" - repetition of this word
"them and took out the things" - 'and' is often overused and it is good to use alternatives when they are suitable. Inthis instance 'them, taking out the thing' word work well and makes the action more immediate also.
the birth of the baby seems to happen all of a sudden. That seems unbelievable and at odds with the rest of the story.
"from the cave exit" - eliminate repetition, "cave" does not need to be here, the reader already knows this.
How did he get back inside of the cave. What happened? There are too many questions at the end and it if it was a dream, then that seems a quick and cheap ending.
What I liked / didn't like about this item
I am not happy with the ending, it's abrupt and leaves me hanging. To lessen the abruptness you could go on to provide a meaning for the dream. Also what's the relevance of the cousin in Sweetwater? It seems to be a relevant factor earlier in the story, but is left unexplained.
From earlier, how come he can suddenly see the cave? And when he awakes, are there the remnants of the fie - which would point to it not being a dream?
Overall Comments
This has much potential but it is more a random series of questions at the moment than a story which answers the questions it raises. I would love to see this fleshed out a little more, loose ends tied up and circumstances explained for a fuller experience.
If you do add to this, let me know and I will be happy to re-read and review again.
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
"infiltrate damnly" - ??? a made-up word for the sake of rhyme?
"Used to wash wanton layers,
Worn off colours, away" - If the colours are worn off, why would they need to be washed off? Perhaps 'faded' is a better description.
"Eons before America was written history" - this is an awkward line. Maybe written into history? It depends on your intent, which I found to be unclear.
The topic wanders a bit, from graffiti at the beginning to war at the end. I feel there is a lack of cohesion between the beginning and end. A reference to graffiti and its relationship to the war, near theend, would help to tie the whole poem together.
What I liked / didn't like about this item
There are some pure moments of poetry in this which I loved reading. Especially this verse - "No lessons learned,
Old leaves not even turned. ..."
Overall Comments
This has a lot of different things - a tongue twister (the alliteration line), unique format (I'm not sure why but it is visually interesting) and more. It lacks any sort of completeness, reading as two separate poems mixed in rather than one whole message, but it makes an interesting read. The grittiness and tone come across well.
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
"It's my duty to my country" - The double "my" is perfectly valid here but I wondered whether replacing the second one with 'our' might help bring the reader into the poem (effectively the one being written to), thus having the added benefit of removing the repetition.
The final verse is not quite as 'spot on' as the rest of the poem, the words used (particularly "seems") read unusually. I realise that maintaining the rhyme is necessary but perhaps there is a better way of phrasing this verse. This is the only area which really lets down an otherwise fantastic poem.
What I liked / didn't like about this item
From the opening image, which is very evocative, I was entranced. The beautiful sadness of the words, the rhythm and rhyme are all great (except the last verse -see above). You have done a wonderful job with the layout too, the use of the hearts between verse, far from creating an interruption, reinforces the love and longing.
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
"It was raining torrentially" - where possible, avoid the adverb; in most cases they can be done without, eg "Torrential rain drove down"
dead animals are mentioned twice in consecutive sentences, once is all that is needed. Plus, is it necessary to include dead people?
"something quickly" - again here, it could be 'something soon'
"clamber up by pushing them up with his back" - repetition, remove the second one or use 'upwards' in its place.
"or it would have kicked it immediately" - unsure what is meant here,. I think the second 'it' is out of place. Perhaps 'out'?
Mostly Father and Mother are spelt with capitals, but there are places where they are lower case. Be consistent with them (I think capitalised, used as they are as their names).
The thoughts of the moles really should have inverted commas or speech marks to differentiate them from the rest of the sentence. It helps the reader understand.
What I liked / didn't like about this item
Awww, I didn't want that to happen. I know not all stories should have happy endings, but this is one where I wanted a happy ending.
There is a plot problem - the building chakes again but we did not know that it shook the first time.
It might help to give the moles names so that the references are clearer and sound better.
What a beautiful and heart-capturing piece. This one has it all - sadness, bravery, triumph, emotion, love and loss. This story of your life, and your reasons for writing, is just perfect. I thank you for sharing what must still be painful, even as you expand your own horizons.
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
"the fist in line" - first
"Give your present from your" - avoid the double "your", the first one could be replaced with 'a', 'the' or simply 'presents'
"all he asks" - capitalise "He"
What I liked / didn't like about this item
I love this message which fights back at the commercialism that is stealing away people from the true meaning and message of Christmas. This message is worthy of much repeating and to this end, I will feature your poem in the Spiritual Newsletter this week.
A beautiful glorifying poem. Just awesome. The rhythm and rhyme scheme I could find no fault in. The message is, without a doubt, accurately given. the Recurring line works very well.
Excellent work. I will feature is in this week's Spiritual Newsletter.
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
"The best part is" - 'best part' has already been used previously in the letter. I wonder about having two best parts. Perhaps a synonym or rephrasing is required?
"on one heck of a show" the slang term 'heck' troubles me in this. Is this acceptable (even in its context) in a formal query letter, I have written very few myself.
"of France Germany" - comma after "France"
What I liked / didn't like about this item
As I said above, I have not done many query letters and mostly the ones I have done are via email and for poetry or short articles, so are relatively different. However, I offer my opinions,f or whatever help they may be.
I was intrigued by your letter and I think you summarise it well, but very generally. Could it perhaps include a bit about their roles in life, or something.
Overall Comments
Have you submitted the query yet? If not, good luck and if so, have you heard back? In any case, my hearty wishes for success!
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
I don't understand the first line - stroke what?
"Inside his head a learned man
what mistakes he has made" - this needs another word - does he think about the mistakes, regret, fret, apologises???
The poem really does need a title. So many items are not titled and it does not help to draw a reader to the piece. It could be a summary of your thoughts, a word or phrase from out of the poem, or a simile for one of the main points.
Some punctuation would be good.
What I liked / didn't like about this item
I particularly liked the flow of the last verse. I think that works very well. Some of the thoughts are obscure and the linkage between ideas is only guesswork on my behalf. Perhaps because some of the references are not clear to someone outside of the 'situation'. I offer that as consideration on what people will make of your poem. Sometimes our work is perfectly sensible to ourselves but makes no sense or is unclear to others.
There are some good strong points to this poem. A little more continuity between ideas will help the reader understand better.
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
Can a man tap his hindquarters? I don't think I've ever seen a mane this long - perhaps 'withers' would be more suitable?
"He does seem to look" - the prahsing of this line reads awkwardly. You could actually leave this whole line out and it would work great.
The lines give a choppy effect and there was no rhythm. I wanted it to flow with him as he ran but it was more like a controlled trot in a dressage ring.
What I liked / didn't like about this item
The images that you create here are cool and fitting. I could see him, especially when he rose his head to issue the challenge.
I also liked how you managed to convey exactly what animal you were talking about without actually saying it. That is effective.
Write on!
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"we had looked(,) but nothing seemed "just right"; and then a tragedy 
"be Juliet. 
"took her out side" - outside
"But in the mean time we were" -meantime
"first shots 
"He came from the dark[,] dank[,] swamp forest." 
"One he found hard(,)[;] one that"
"On the edge of a 
Now, about your item:
Poor Jason! Although at least he had the happiness of freedom for a bit. There's a lesson in that. 
"left the 
"I almost can hear myself" - a more natural word order would be 'I can almost hear myself'
Why is the time that Susan goes to sleep important? Maybe an opportunity to show some of her emotional turmoil?
"Tea, a new coffee mug, a new dime..." - I wonder if it is necessary in this list of presents, to specify most things as new? Perhaps including new before the list would be better.
It is lovely for children and adults alike.
I don't understand the first line - stroke what?
"Inside his head a learned man
The poem really does need a title. So many items are not titled and it does not help to draw a reader to the piece. It could be a summary of your thoughts, a word or phrase from out of the poem, or a simile for one of the main points. 
Some punctuation would be good.