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26
26
Review of GANGRENE  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There j. dwight*Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request a Review page and was intrigued by the title so I stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Good Grief! Your character is just a wee bit twisted. *Bigsmile* *Shock*

I think the author did a wonderful job of getting into the character's head and then slowly exposing his madness to the reading audience. Excellent!

Though the author didn't share a lot about his personality or traits...I got the sense he was a bit diseased even before, the incident he wasn't planning but just happened. There were a few clues cleverly peppered throughout the story...or whether than story should I say this chilly exposition on the mind of a murderer. He was nonchalant...a bit disconnected from reality so well done with allowing the readers to enter his mind through his own words. Superb!


Overall the story, though it was all self-talk/ or confessions, it flowed with ease. It was well written and free of any errors in grammar or in the mechanics of writing that I could see.Fantastic!

I do think your title was clever. Gangrene is a slow eating disease/disorder so I thought the title was fitting to the way the character revealed his 'disease' write on!

I couldn't figure out if the confessional was to detectives, a psychiatrist or just a figment of his imagination. Yes there were the lines...verbalized from your character that said "I know this is being recorded and it can be used against me" but I didn't get the sense any one else was with him. Was this intended? Did you want to keep the reader guessing? For me it was a bit too obscure but this is just my one' little opinion and it's certainly not a criticism, but rather an observation

And finally, though you did an excellent job of revealing the gangrene of his mental state of mind...what was lacking for me were the little nuances. You told us all he had was work and he got tired of the routine of clocking out and going home to wait to go to sleep, so obviously he was a loner and withdrawn from society...but I was missing the visuals. The story is lacking for me, because you're telling us more than you are showing. Perhaps if gave your character more characteristics that revealed his troubled state of mind...perhaps habits and body language that may be more telling to his fragile mental state, more actions and reactions, even reveal more history...little quirks and twitches specific to your character...basically more description rather than just listing details. The reader's (or at least me) need to envision in order to believe.

While this is well written, disturbing, clever and revealing I do think it's lacking a bit in substance. This can be addressed by just adding more traits to your character that help the reader see how he can spiral downward to commit such a violent crime and then be so withdrawn and devoid of emotion.

Just thoughts for you to ponder. Otherwise, I did enjoy your story and found it to be compelling and clever.

I hope you found this useful

*Peace*Kjo just groovin

"Invalid Item" 
27
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Review of Eddie Ozark  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Anna Loren *Note4**Note4*


Greetings! I found your story on the Request a Review page. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.


I liked the fantasy aspect of your story. I think you did a fantastic job of keeping me intrigued. Excellent!

I also liked how smooth your transitions were from reality to the dream like stages of your character. Well done !

I did get a sense of your character and this is because of the back story about his home situation and what kind of mother Josephine is (or isn't) Eck! No wonder he fantasizes about faraway places! Great job with characterization thus far and with the back story

There were a few places that need a little editing, refining or polishing. Not much so no worries! *Wink*A few typos, left out words, a little repetition or wordiness.

May I make some suggestions?

His feet hit the cold hardwood underneath him, sending a chill through his body. He stood up, still wobbly from the sudden adrenaline rush that had flooded him. He walked across the chilly hardwood to the china cabinet situated directly in front of his bed. With the underlined chilly, cold and hardwood...you may want to omit or find another word not so similar? and I thought 'that had flooded him" may sound better if you wrote '...still wobbly from the adrenaline rush which flooded through him? Just thoughts for you to ponder.

This always puzzled Eddie. They were already special to him. But gift seemed different Even more special than the rest. Missing a word?

He brushed a strand of dark brown hair out of his sleep encrusted, light blue eyes that he had inherited from his mother. A bit wordy? Perhaps: He brushed a strand of his dark brown hair from his eyes which were the same light blue color as his mothers? Again, just a thought for you to ponder.

There was his mom, awake, rocking an old, wooden, off balance stool, with one leg shorter than the rest. The underlined phrase confounded me a bit.

She could not see Maddie like him. Perhaps: She could see Maddie like he could?

Eddie brain was completely lost in thought the next day in math class when Mr. Turtle called his name. Did you mean Eddie's brain?

Also, I wanted to comment on the use of adverbs. You may want limit the use of adverbs in your story. They are useful but they can also hold your story back because adverbs tell more than they show and they can oft times just be removed from the sentence without losing any of the meaning. I like to try and find substitute words which are more descriptive and add a richness to your sentences. Here are some of the adverbs you used, some you used more than once perfectly, abruptly, suddenly,groggily, intricately, frequently, gently, constantly, lonely, quizzically, questionably, easily, swiftly, exceedingly,

He was in the forest that ran parallel with his home. But it was slightly different. In this sentence you tell us the forest in his dream is slightly different? Rather than slightly which isn't very descriptive and doesn't show the the readers so they can envision the difference, perhaps you may want to add a few more words to make it more visual to the reader? For instance: He was in a forest which ran parallel to his home and yet, it was brighter and more lush with various shades of greens foliage and trees which stood tall as giants. Well you may not like my word choices but can you see the difference?

Overall, I think you've got a fine beginning here. Your transitions are clear and the story reads with ease and fluidity. Your characterization and back story is progressing very well and I love the fantasy in relation to the troubling home life of your character.

Thanks for sharing. I hope you found this useful.

*Peace*Kjo just groovin

"Invalid Item" 
28
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Alan Smithee *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! You are receiving this review per a request you sent asking me to review this item. Thank you for the invite. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Well I must say this is creative, can't say I've ever read such a peculiar story, interview style.*Shock*

What a mind for the abnormal you have, and you write it so well *Bigsmile*

I think the reader's learned a lot about what your subject does through the interview process. It's not always so easy to be successful with this format. So well done!

I think both subjects were believable and authentic (though I do have a few observations about the reporter I'll mention in a minute). Excellent! with technique and believability.

I liked they fact there was some off beat humor. Superb! though the humor, directed toward the reported ended up not-so-funny for him and his family *Shock*

I do have a couple of observations as I mentioned.

Now we take a look behind the success and at the inner workings of Death with this exclusive interview between interviewer Mark Zenya To avoid repetition, perhaps find another word, maybe: "...with this exclusive interview between reporter (or correspondent) Mark Zneya and ... .

Now, right off the bat, you have come under some criticism, especially under recent events. What are some misconceptions about your company that you feel leads to this criticism?
A Couple of suggestion here, though this is dialogue in the form of an interview...you will still want to mince your words...make the questions flow with more ease. there's a too much wordiness and again, some repetition. So perhaps: Your have dealt with some heavy criticism especially in light of recent events, what are some of the misconceptions leading to these criticisms? ? Do you see the difference?

Now you have You've been in business for a long time now through many technological developments. Have these increased your amount of business, and if so, what are your thoughts on this increase?
 Perhaps rephrase to deal with the repeated use of words. How, if at all, has your business benefited and how will you will incorporate these advances in to the daily operation? Or something like that.

Some of the reporter's questions need a little refining but otherwise, this was great, humours, a little creepy and bizarre but the technique was believable and effective.

I hope you found this useful. Thanks for asking me to review an item from your port. I appreciate the faith in my reviewing style.

*Peace*kjo just groovin'

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29
Review of New Man  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Alan Smithee *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your item on the Shameless Plug Page. You are receiving this review as part of the Power reviewers raid. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader’s perspective.


Goodness gracious and Holy Cow! *Shock* eeeccck, this guy is over the top crazy...certificable. yeow! *Bigsmile*

You do have a flair for the unconventional and for the peculiar. Me likes it thought. You story gave me the creeps and shivers as I was reading. Which I’m sure is the response you were hoping for *Bigsmile**Wink*

Characters believe some strange things and act in even stranger ways...and considering the world of strangeness we live in, this is believable in some strange way. *Bigsmile**Smile*

Overall, I think you did a good job of presenting the peculiar behavior and beliefs of your character. Superb ! it was imagery I didn’t want to envision but did anyway. Ugggh and Yeow! *Shock*

I think your story is original and certainly has the scare factor. The success of this factor tells me you have a passion for this genre of writing. It is evident in your story.

There were a few small issues I found along my read. May I make some suggestions?


which cracked in half making a loud cracking sound like porcelain chipping. You may want to replace one of the underlined words...a little redundant.


It was an accident, though, and the bottles was empty his father had seen to that earlier. bottles is plural so you‘ll want to use “were”

He looked into the mirror that was embedded onto the wall above the sink. The drain was closed and the sink was half filled with water. A little repetition you may want to reconsider. I also struck out ’that’ which isn’t always necessary to the sentence. Perhaps: He looked in the mirror embedded on the wall then down at the sink which was half filled with water. Sometimes keeping it simple but active is better?

He had a pair of pliers in his right hand, which he held with some difficulty due to the fact that he was missing his fingernails. He had removed those two days earlier with the very same pliers (cost effective. He felt that his insanity was duly compensated for by his frugality and efficiency.) Of course, he had some help from a razorblade that he kept around for the tougher tissue. Today was a big mission: he was going to remove his teeth. He had a wrench nearby in case better leverage was needed. Several issues in this paragraph you may want to reconsider. First. the repeated use of “he had” is a bit redundant. I also struck out a couple of ‘that’s “ which aren’t necessary and weigh your sentences down. Also The passive verbs really do your sentences an injustice. i.e “he had removed” To deal with the issues and make the sentences more active rather than passive you can consider rewriting something such as:

He was having difficulty holding the pliers because just two days earlier he removed all his fingernails. No one could accuse me of not being frugal and cost effective, at least I was using the same pliers, he thought. He noticed the rusty razorblade laying where the soap used to be; it was still covered in dried blood, remnants of skin, bone and tissue. It was a useful tool for the tougher areas. Today was a big mission. He was going to remove his teeth. The wrench was nearby incase he couldn’t get enough leverage with the pliers.

Well you may not like my offering but I think you might agree it does add another level of sadistic because there’s more insight into the character and it’s active which adds more life and drama. What do you think?


Otherwise this is a fine horror story., I did more than just cringe. Yeow *Bigsmile**Shock* *Cry**Smile* I think with a little more polish this could be even more impressive. You’re off to a great start! I hope you found this useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Peace*Kjo just groovin’

My review has been submitted for consideration in Good-Deeds-Go-Noticed".
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There joegar *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! You are receiving this review as part of the Power Reviewers Raid. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I Offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader’s perspective.

I do think you have a way with words. You use of language is lovely. Well done!

There is this wonderful aesthetic quality to your item that is soothing as if the memories are recalled with fondness...no regrets. Excellent!

Your item does flow with ease but could flow even better once you correct a few small issues.

There were a few misspellings and words that appeared to be misspelled when in actuality, I couldn’t find them in the dictionary or a thesaurus. I don’t know that it’s ok to make words up. The problem is the reader may not understand your intent...and wonder...what the author is trying to say. Just a thought for you to consider *Wink* I underlined and corrected a few.

It is morning cool and alive. Boundless thresholds restruck (not an actual word) by lights discordent discordant shadows. Farming valleys rise with-in taste and aroma of lilting flowers. Governed dinner-bells and farm-boys dance over racing dogs. Toned muscles dip and flash in perennial sets of pricelessspriceless land. Caressing and rendered in vineyards of vision and nobler dream. Mouth and snowmen wax alone in the new frost. Mulberry bushes age their temperate fruit. Other ways bend word and wood to climb a one step ladder. Few voices mix in company these silent gestures; and battle endlessly to forge the lancenednot a word couldn't’t find it in dictionary sentinel. Quick hours slow with bottled flowers. In time with rest, these plants thicken above the gentlest statue.


You have this listed as poetry and in substance...the way the words flow together, it does read like poetry...but the format is a bit jarring...it’s formatted a bit more like prose...It’s just a paragraph of beautiful words strung together that sound good., so you may want to rethink your format. As you know, not all poetry has to be in stanzas...there is free verse...but it should have some kind of structure. *Wink*

And last, in the description of the item, you write” two people found of memories relive their cause” I’m not sure I got this from the poem. Yes, I could sense the memories...I’m not sure what the ’cause’ was. it was almost too theoretical and dreamy. Your imagery is stunning however, I could see farming valleys rising and mulberry bushes with their temperate fruits. As I mentioned you usage of words are beautiful

... It just seems to need a little refining and polishing and focus. other wise, I did find this item to be splendid...rich in life and color and imagery...I’m just not sure what it means. *Wink*

Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your item.

*Peace*kjo just groovin’

"Good Deeds Go Noticed" 
31
31
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There LHM84 *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

As far as the purpose of a prologue, this was effective. It introduced us to your story, introduced us the the character (s) and shared an event/incident and ensuing conflict to overcome. So great job!

I think you did a good job of presenting an issue for the man, giving us a little clue as to his behavior which helps the reader to start questioning and wondering...stirring up curiosity so well be interested enough to read on. excellent!

From a substance point of view, the content is there. I see the beginnings of a storyline as well as internal and external conflict, however, the grammar and the mechanics of writing are weak preventing your prologue from being as effective as it could be.

The repeated use of words and the wordiness of your sentences created a heaviness interfering with the flow. In addition, the choices of some of the words you used kind of stagnated your sentences and instead of adding life and color and drama, were a bit on the simplistic and dull side. Sorry!

For example, lets review this paragraph you wrote: He looked at her lying there sleeping, her eyes fluttering as if dreaming. Her chest lifted softly and with each breath[,] the faint blush of sleep crept along her cheeks. She looked like an angel with her sleep tousled blond hair framing her head like a halo. At that moment[,] he had never loved anyone or anything more in his life as he did her the girl lying sleeping on the bed. But at the same moment and with the same clarity[,] he knew that he couldn’t go through with it. He was too young, he hadn’t yet accomplished anything and he knew he’d let her down however hard he tried. Throwing his already packed bag over his shoulder[,] he bent and kissed her softly on the cheek being careful not to wake her. Taking one last lingering look over his shoulder as he left, he felt his heart break; even as the relief of not going through with it surged through him. He would always remember it as the worst moment of his life.

I stuck out some of the wordiness. It's best to make every word count. I also underlined so areas where you repeated words which just adds to the wordiness and heaviness of sentences so you may want to reconsider a replacement. I also noticed, that you began some sentences with a conjunction...but, and, yet ect. it's best not to begin a sentence with them especially if they could be attached to the previous sentence. Also watch using 'that' as the first word in your sentence. "That' is so common and unspecific. There were a few areas which needed punctuation. So I added a comma between the brackets
The technical errors are easy to address, we all make them in our writings. The other issues are a little more challenging but are its all part of the process.

For me, the emotion was lacking. You were telling us he loved her and yet...gave us no real indication of how strong his love was. Also you are telling us more than you are showing. Though this is only a prologue, you still want to show rather than tell. Many of your senteces are passive rather than active which also makes you sentences lack luster and life. As an example, I rewrote the first paragrpah just to give you and idea.

He gazed down at her; the love in his heart formed a lump in his throat. Her eye lids were fluttering as if being kissed by butterflies as she lay in peaceful slumber. Her chest rose with each intake of breath , soft and worry free as the faint blush of sleep crept over her. She was an angel sleeping;, her blond hair tousled around her head like a halo. He loved her so much and yet, he knew he couldn’t go through with it. The clarity of this realization, startled him. They were both too young. He was not mature enough for her, for the responsibility. He knew he would just disappoint her. He bent down to place a soft kiss to her forehead, careful as not to wake her. He inhaled her sweetness and wanted to linger but forced himself to step back, take on last remorseful look before slinging the back pack over his shoulder and closing the door behind him. he would remember this as the worst moment of his life. Just thoughts for you to ponder. *Wink*


The same issue I mentioned above are also present in your second paragraph.

I think you have a strong storyline here. Who doesn't like a love story, especially young love, and the fact he's walking out on her creates intrigue for the reader.

I feel like this is just a first draft. There were errors which held the prologue back from being all it could be. But it does hold promise It just needs a little refining and polishing so it can shine as you intended and be one hundred percent effective as a prologue.

I hope you found this useful and is taken in the spirit for which it was intended.

*Peace*Kjo just groovin'

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32
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There piescriptor *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader’s perspective.

Overall, you have a great storyline here. I love the tenacity and the fierceness of the ‘Hunter’ as well as the “Loud One” whom the hunter later battles with.

The attack scene was action-packed and thrilling. And I believed it.

For me, this is where the story got exciting. There were less errors in grammar and in the mechanics of writing during the attack and overall, this scene was gripping. I loved how this weary, ferocious Tiger came to the rescue of the old, weary “Loud One” in spite of his ferocious ’loud weapon ’and how this weapon, in the past, wreaked havoc on his ’kind’, even his family. There was this solidarity between them...and I loved the idea of them being ’equals.’ There is a subtle yet profound message to your story. Excellent!

Up to the battle scene, the story lacked focus, was inundated with passive verbs as well as a few other errors in grammar and in the mechanics of writing which made the story ordinary without much punch or emotion.

The structure of the sentences as well as the heaviness of the passive verbs kept your sentences from flowing with ease. There were also some tense issues which were a bit distracting. May I make some suggestions”


Let’s examine your opening paragraph. As you know, the main purpose of this sentence is to hook the reader and give the reader’s some insight into the direction of the story (a storyline)and introduce us to a character perhaps. It’s helpful, if there is action or dialogue (even self-talk)or some event/incident that captures our interest so we read on. You’re almost there. You introduced us to a beast on the hunt for prey. Good start. The problem is the paragraph has tense issues and is weighed down by passive verbs which gives us passive voice...not much good during an action scene. No worries though, this is easy to address if you choose. *Wink*

For instance, you wrote: “ It had been nearly three hours now. The beast had been stalking its prey, walking in its tracks at first, and then simply watching it from a distance. The hunter's white fur and black stripes kept it well hidden in the thick trees and white snow of the land. It was at the edge of its territory, in a place it had rarely visited. It was only here because of the prey. First, how does the beast know it’s been three hours? Is this necessary to your paragraph? You can begin giving ‘life’ to your character with ‘emotions’, body language and reactions. The beast stalked his prey with ever-slow assiduousness never once faltering as it crouched and weaved following the boar’s tracks. When the boar stopped to nudge it’s snout in the dirt, the hunter watched. His white fur and black stripes kept him camouflaged in the thick trees and snow covered forest floor. The boar took the hunter to the edge of his territory, a place he seldom traveled to so he must finish the hunt soon. Well you may not like my rewrite but I’m sure you get my point. Do you see how removing all the passive verbs {had been and forms of ’to be’: i.e were, was, has been ect) helped to make the sentence more active with more insight into your character and to the action?




These were his lands now .The Loud Ones had been gone for a long time. He roamed them, taking his prey when he needed it, drinking from his river. It was the last thing they couldn't take from him, because they had no use for it. Starik had outsmarted them. He had outrun them. He had won. Here again, you’ve fallen in to the trap of passiveness. I challenge you to rewrite, exchanging the passive verbs for more colorful and stronger verbs. Perhaps: The lands now belonged to the hunter. Starik roamed the lands, free of the “Loud Ones,” free to stalk his prey and drink without fear from the rivers. They left ages ago, after they pillaged the land of his pride and his kind. Once they realized the land was no longer fit for their iniquitous plans, they left in a blaze of dust. Starik survived because he outsmarted them, outran them. He knew this land like he knew the smell of his sons they killed. He was victorious and yet he was alone.

 Again, just thoughts for you to ponder. Do you see how the sentences have more life, color and drama so the reader is compelled and engaged?


His eyes were green, and his face looked old and tired, as Starik had suspected. The face nodded, and the hunter wasn't sure how to return the gesture. So, without any further interaction, the he turned, and walked off back into the woodland.
 You could easily remove ‘had’ without losing any meaning in the sentence and the underlines phrase is missing something?


They were equals. They were the both the last of their kind. A little awkwardness where I underlined.

I see grand potential in the story. I love the storyline and the plot. For me the story began when the battle ensued between the bear, the loud one and the hunter. It was exciting, engaging and help a great message. This story does have grand potential as I mentioned it just needs rewriting to reconsider some of the passiveness of your sentences . You want to add more description and enhance your setting. Give us more characterizati9on by action/reaction and body language of the “Hunter” and the perhaps even the “Loud One.” With a tweak of the grammar, a proofing for punctuation, and a more active voice, this could be an outstanding story, as it stands now, it’s just average.

I hope you found this review helpful and I hope it is taken in the spirit for which it was intended.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Peace* kjo just groovin’
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33
33
Review of Pretty in Pain  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Noxsociti *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader’s perspective.

Overall, I found beauty in this item, the way it flowed, it’s aesthetic essence, your use of language. I take it the bolded words were the prompts to be used in the story. I think you were effective in utilizing the words.

I sensed misfortune and despair overall. There was this melancholy tone...this profound sadness and yet I sensed an intense love; though I’m uncertain whether the love was healthy or toxic or even real. There was a part of me as I was reading, wondering if it was truly a physical love or the suggestion of one that used to be.

I do think you have a lovely way with words even though the words depict destructiveness.

There is substance to your story and layers of meaning I found profound and thought-provoking.

However, I’m not sure what it all means. Yes there some pretty writing, some strong words and a haunting tone and yet, I’m still wondering it’s purpose. There wasn’t a plot and so it seems unfinished.

I think the theme was so metaphorical that it was abstract.

Though I read it twice, I was stuill left wondering what and why as well as other unanswered questions.

I do have a couple of other observations if I may?

Once we rolled down a hill all day, ran up just to fall back down; your face lit up every time you sat up and shock off the dizziness and the pain from the bruises on a fragile back. Small typo here, do you mean shook?

You collapsed that night and I carried you to bed, tucked you in and begged for an apology that you couldn't give in your exhausted state. One element I noticed throughout your story was the heavy reliance on “that” You utilized it a lot which can lend a heaviness to your sentences. The way the sentences were structured, it isn’t so easy to just omit them, so I just wanted you to be aware. The point-of-view you used here does lend itself to using more ‘thats than you may have otherwise used with a different ‘voice.’ Just a thought for you to ponder


We had problems we didn't ask for, that you never wanted but developed anyway. here again, ’that’ creates a heaviness. Maybe if you were to omit ’that’ in this case and rewrite the sentence: We had problems we didn’t ask for, problems you never wanted but developed anyway. The repetitive use of problem does seem to add more life, drama to the sentence and does lessen the weightiness created by ’that’?

I can still clutch your skeletal fingers and rest my forehead against yours after we kiss. But I bruise you[,] I do it just by looking and you scream when I cling to you.
The comma between the brackets should be either a semicolon or a period because it’s too complete sentences.

These are all very minor and easy to address if you chose.

As I mentioned, there is this metaphorical quality to your story...almost an allegory is some ways. It is certainly evocative and compelling.

But I was left with too many questions. While oft times this is a successful technique because it allows the reader to complete the story...to question, analyze and explore, I don’t believe this was the intention of the author, at least not wholeheartedly or intentionally. (excuse the adverbs, but they were all I could wrap my mind around to describe my thoughts)*Wink*

While part of the author’s intent may be to involve the reader to keep them guessing , sometimes, a theme becomes more profound and powerful when the author keeps it simple (I don’t mean simplistic).

There was much to like about this...I do think you have a beautiful handle on the use of words and you use them like a seasoned writer, I’m not sure I bought it in this story.

I hope this is taken in the spirit of encouragement for which it was intended.

Thanks for sharing! Write on and then write on some more!

*Peace* kjo just groovin’

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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

*Note4**Note4* Hey There Eternal Chimera *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader’s perspective.

I think you’re off to a wonderful start with your story with this Prologue. It is successful in presenting the purpose of the prologue by introducing us to the characters , an event and conflict and the beginnings of a plot. So well done!

You’re characters are intriguing. There is conflict for the character to overcome and the readers are experiencing a traumatic experience with Peri. A little suspense, a little magic, a little evil...you do seem to embrace this fantasy genre and it is reflected in your flair for writing. Superb!

You seem to understand the difference between description and details. Details weigh sentences done, descriptions give us insight into characters, setting, conflict ect. Excellent!

I do have a few suggestions if I may?

There were a few errors in the mechanics of writing and in grammar. And I do have a couple of ‘styling “ observations.

She didn’t know whether to be scared of the sword[,] or awed at the wings and strange aura about them. I’m wondering if a pause is necessary after ‘sword’ it seeems to flow better without the comma

Her mother too arched her back in a similar fashion and to Peri’s utmost astonishment and horror[,] wings unfolded from her own mother’s back as well. after horror seems like a comma is needed for pause

And the question that disturbed her the most was why her mother chose to bare her secret with her watching
it’s best not to begin sentences with conjunctions such as but, and, or...they suggest an attachment, imply and oft times they can just be adjoined to the previous sentence.

And before Shea could open her mouth in protest or even react, Crepuscula’s hands reached her throat and curled around it, grip stronger than a vice. Seems to be missing something. with a grip, or her grip was stronger...


Neither could she ever dream of forgetting that night. She would carry the horrors of the memory to her grave. I felt this sentence was a bit wordy and awkward. Perhaps: She knew she’d never forget this night. The horrors of watching her mother be murdered would be embedded in her memory forever, or something to that effect.


A raw ominous fear gnawed slowly at her twisted insides even as she watched her mother wrench open the front door to face the unspoken terrors that the night seemed to cradle in its sinister being. Sometimes ‘that’ lends a heaviness to a sentence. It’s not always necessary.


Also, watch your adverb use. With just under 8kb, you've utilized too many adverb for such a short item. As you know, adverbs are useful, even necessary at times, but more often than not, you can remove the adverb altogether without losing any meaning to the sentence. Here are some of the adverbs I found along my read: slightly, pearly, exactly, firmly, distinctly, slowly, adamantly, apparently, apparently, airily, lifelessly, frantically, anxiously, cautiously, stunningly, otherworldly, brilliantly, unearthly, spindly, intricately. Some you used more than once. The problem with the over use of adverbs as you know are as follows, Adverbs distract the reader, they create a laziness in our writing because it’s easier to add an ’ly’ to the end of a word rather than search for more words which will add drama and life and layers to your sentences, and last, adverbs ’tell’ the story more than they ’show’ Instead if you challenge yourself to exchange the adverb for even more words, you can add insight into your characters and their conflict. Just thoughts for you to ponder, For example, take the following sentences where you used two adverbs together.

“,her clothes looked stunningly otherworldly. She donned a flowing gown of dusky crimson, shady violet, and all the other colours of midnight, making her look almost ethereal. What does stunningly otherworldly mean? What have the reader’s learned about this character? Otherworldly is another word for ethereal, so perhaps you could combine the two and rewrite it something like this:
“,her clothes were stunning . She donned a flowing gown of dusky crimson, shady violet and all the colours of midnight making her appear ethereal, like a mystical enchantress . Or something to that effect, but you get my point. By removing the adverbs the sentence becomes more active rather than passive and enhanced the image.

You have a very strong beginning here. You do have a flair for this genre and I can sense your passion . You write with much emotion. I think you have a strong beginning with characterization, conflict and with suspense.

Your story’s ethereal, magical and sinister beginnings is evocative and compelling.

I see grand potential in the chapters to come

I hope you found this useful

*Peace* kjo just groovin’

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Review of Rush Hour  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Bob Saget *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader’s perspective.

Nothing better after a day of hard work than an easy nonsensical read. I don’t have to think too hard, don’t have to wonder or ponder or question; just read for the sheer enjoyment of it. *Wink*

So that’s exactly what I did, read for the sheer enjoyment of it and you know what? I was entertained, surprised, humored and amazed. I must say, I thought your little narrative was clever, contemporary and just a pretty cool piece. Simple but not simplistic, spirited, a bit sad but unexpected. Bravo!

I thought weaving a relationship with the insanity of stop and go, bumper to bumper traffic, was witty. Superb!

I thought your sentences flowed with ease, pausing where necessary, punching where needed . The fact you used active voice with right word choices with a good balance of description versus details is the mark of a seasoned writer. Excellent !

I saw no errors in grammar or in the mechanics of writing. Yeah and write on! *Wink*

I have no suggestions...I can most often find something to suggest, but I must confess...this is worthy of *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*’s Not even too many adverbs which is a trap many writer’s fall into. Yeah *Bigsmile*

Hey thanks for sharing, it was a bumpy ride but well worth the drive, I mean read. *Wink*

I hope you found this useful

*Peace*kjo just groovin’


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Rated: 13+ | (2.5)

*Note4**Note4* Hey There Apo *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader’s perspective.


As everyone knows, change isn’t easy and it’s oft times even harder on teenagers. They do have their groups, friends, activities and wow, Emily was moving from one coast to another. This does make a great storyline and I think you have the beginnings of what could be a fine story.

I did sense Emily’s frustration and her anger. Superb! job with emotion.

You are beginning to establish Emily’s character and since this is just the first chapter, I’m sure there’s more to come. *Wink*

I will say, I do think you’ve got a ways to go before Emily seems life-like and rounded as a character but you’ve laid the foundation. Try focusing more on Emily’s reactions and then show the reader those reactions, her body language, what makes Emily, Emily? Don’t just tell us she’s angry and she‘s crying...show the reader’s her anger and her tears by slamming doors, stomping, raising her voice, having a teenage temper tantrum...whatever that may be. This helps to create personality and helps the reader connect to the characters making them three dimensional.

One phrase, I felt was a little distracting because you over used it was “unlocking her cell phone and her ipod. The reader doesn’t need to know every detail, every action or every thought. Especially if you’ve already established every time she uses her phone, she has to unlock it. Just a thought for you to consider.

I think you’re opening paragraph could be stronger. You wrote:

“Emily looked behind her, as she watched the sky scrapers of New York desappear behind her. She looked down at her black berry, the black phone didn't glow with any text messages from her friends. She sighed, and looked out her window, watching the city land scape changed into the country side.” As you know, part of the purpose for the opening paragraph is to capture the reader’s interst so they will be compelled to read the entire story, be informed and entertained. The problem i see is there is some repetition with the underlined words and some misspellings. It’s important to proof read as much as possible before you submit an item to be read because misspelled words are distracting to the reader. desappear, should be disappear and land scape should be landscape.

Those are minor and easy to address and once you edit, your opening will flow with more ease.

"Were at a hotel. Get up", she heard her mom say. were, in this context should be we’re

Her little cliche that she had formed with her best friends. oft times both the use of that and had can create a heaviness in a sentence. They are not always necessary. Also do you mean click? instead of cliche? cliche is perhaps not the best word because it‘s more of a line or a saying that‘s cliche.. She also led it and she didn't know who would take over or if it would split up. Though I know you are referring to the ‘click’ the ‘she led it’ is a bit confusing...clarify what you mean by led it.


Being inclosed in here made her feel like a caged lioness wanting to be let out inclosed should be enclosed. And the like a caged lioness...could be referred to as a ‘cliche” *Wink*



Messing with her tank strape she sat quietly and looked down at her phone and clicked the square so her screen will show up and she unlocked her phone... strape should be strap.

suddent ding of the elevator... do you mean sudden?

embarressing should be embarrassing

She inhaled to let out a scream when she heard that same laugh of that boys
Layingher should be laying her


This reads a lot like a rough draft. It does need some polishing and refining. Watch those misspellings, they are distracting.

Try strengthening your character and show us her actions/reactions and conflict more rather than telling us. Showing the reader engages us, allows us to connect and care to the character.

There isn’t a plot defined yet, but I do think your storyline is valid and you do show strength as a writer, your story isn’t without a few errors, but don’t get discouraged! I can’t begin to tell you how ‘wrong’ my stories were until I started getting reviews and critiques which were not just helpful and encouraging but made me a better writer and more stories more polished.

I hope this is taken in the spirit of encouragement for which it was intended.

Oh and Welcome to writing.com! I hope you find your stay here as exciting and rewarding as I have. Good luck and if I can ever help you navigate this site, just send me an email. *Wink*

*Peace* kjo just groovin’

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Review of Paper World.  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Khaki’s *Note4**Note4*


Greetings, I’m back in your port with another review. As I mentioned, I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader’s perspective.


What I love about this item is it’s infinite beauty. There is a real cry out to God for answers and for his mercy and God answer’s back with a loving smile.

I love that! Outstanding!

It’s so moving in it’s simplicity. Stunning!

You’ve hardly used any words and yet, your message is profound.

Lovely!

I have no suggestions and saw nothing I think should be changed or added. Superb!

The simplicity of this, is part of what makes it so amazing. It was one voice crying out to God, asking for grace and mercy and it was God, simply smiling back. Breathtaking

Thank you for the opportunity to visit your port.

*Peace*Kjo just groovin’

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Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There khaki’s *Note4**Note4*

Thank you for inviting me in to you port. I appreciate the confidence you’ve placed in my reviewing style. I will do my best to do your items justice. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader’s perspective.

reviewing poetry isn’t a strength of mine. I do dabble in poetry a tad...a real little tad *Wink*
Since I don’t see my self as a poet, it’s difficult for me to critique poetry as specifically as it should be. I will do my best.

I like the supplications in your poem, the references to God...they’re sublte and yet you evoke such emotion. Excellent!

It seems you poem is taking the reader on a journey...a journey of self-discovery and renewal. superb!
One comment I do have, is watch your use of punctuation. You want your punctuation to control the pace and the pause of your poem. I feel the constant end stops are abrupt.

To the path which lead you to

the valley of thy destined goal.perhaps a comma here?

Not the path which left you in

the valley of horrible den.”

Thus, answered the other power.again, a comma here or no punctuation at all ?

In the next stanza, I think your word choices could be more profound and pronounced to really hit you meaning home. For instance: you wrote :

I felt done when a voice within

told me a certain thing. thing is ambiguous. be more expressive and describe for us this ‘thing” or just let the voice you’ve quoted speak for itself.

“Never to worry what path grace

All paths go….. To same place.”

This is a fine poem. I sense a lot of emotion and there are elements of beauty here, but it does need a little polishing. And may I ask why you’ve chosen to double space? It interrupts the flow. I do hope you’ve found this useful.

Thank you for allowing me in.

*Peace*kjo just groovin’

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Review of Noble.  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There H.M.Godwin *Note4**Note4*


Greetings! You are receiving this review as a ‘pay it forward’ gesture. Thanks for reviewing one of my stories.

I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader’s perspective.

I think your story has an imperative lesson with a vital message for the readers. You’ve taken a controversial subject and challenged the readers to think and question. Therefore, I think your story is not just evocative but thought-provoking

While I did feel the emotion of the story, from the internal and external conflict to the heckles and the confusion of both James and Noble, I must say as a reader, I just needed more from both your characters. They weren't as developed as I think they could be and as I believe you intended them to be. It’s as if you were standing back a bit, anxious about committing one hundred percent. As you know, in order for the reader to cheer for and care about a character we must first believe they are life-like and rounded, three dimensional. You were almost there with both James and Nobel. I just wanted you to commit a little more. Present them with all their flaws and their thoughts, actions/reactions and fears. We were told James was trying to deny his feelings but I wanted to see it...in the way of body language and internal thoughts and reactions...even if it was as small as swallowing hard and having his heart pounding in his chest, or a lump forming in his throat or bile rising. Something to make me believe he was restless, afraid of his feelings, in denial.

So what I’m saying is you just need a little more character development.

I think this story is powerful and you do have a gift for the written word but your story does have a few flaws. May I make some suggestions?

I question the necessity of the opening paragraph. What does the reader learn about Nobel in the opening that we don’t learn as we’re reading? It’s as if you are telling the reader to feel or think a certain way about Nobel, as if you’re making a disclaimer...an excuse for his actions. Sometimes it’s just best to let the story happen...to allow it to unfold. Just a thought for you to consider. *Wink*

If you decide it’s important and you want to keep it as the opening, then you mat want to edit out the repetition. The repeated use of ’life and dream’ was a bit distracting. And I’m not sure what you mean in the second sentence “sadly, he was anything but.” How does it relate to the first sentence introducing him as a boy name Noble? I think it requires some clarification. There was once a boy named Noble. Sadly, he was anything but. He struggled every day with the simple task of getting out of bed. You see, if you had dreams like he had, you would struggle too. They were more like real life than anyone else's dream could boast. Well that's because they were his real life. He dreamed of life like few have the ability to do. But Noble was so good at living his life, his dreams knew they could not compete so they merely repeated what his eyes saw. But life was hard so Noble's dreams took on a nightmarish quality. What were they about? I'll let him tell you. Again , this some thoughts for you to consider.

The next element I want to comment on is the over use of adverbs. Though your story is a tad longer, just under 50kb, it’s still too short to warrant the amount of adverbs you used .
As you know, adverbs are useful and even necessary, however, oft times they can be removed altogether without losing any of the author’s intended meaning. Adverbs create a laziness in our writing because it’s easier to add an ’ly’ to a word rather than search for another word and even more words which will give the reader insight into characterization or their conflicts. I’d like to challenge you to reconsider some of your adverbs. They are distracting and they ‘tell’ a story more than they show’ and showing is always more effective. I like to list the adverbs for the author because sometimes if we see them grouped together, we can begin to see how pesky they are. Here are some of the adverbs you used. Some you used more than once or twice. sadly, merely, hardly, physically, emotionally, obviously, perfectly, occasionally, suddenly, quickly, barely, quietly, unfortunately, completely, immediately, clearly, simply, surely, seemingly, oddly, publicly, momentarily, strategically, apparently, swiftly, regrettably,

I like to try and give some examples, so I copied a couple sentences and I’ll rewrite them omitting the adverbs.

You wrote: “He glanced half-heartedly towards Noble who sat in the corner pretending no one was talking. What does the reader learn about him with the half-hearted glance? If we consider the meaning of the word or other words than may be more descriptive, the reader may learn more about his feelings. Half-hearted could be indifference, it could be feebleness or weakness. For instance, He tried stealing a glance toward Nobel, hoping he wouldn‘t be caught, afraid, Nobel could read the indifference written all over his face or see the weakness in his eyes. well you may not like my offering, but I’m sure point.

Otherwise, I think this is a powerful and important story. I think this has huge potential, but could benefit from some polishing and refining.

Thank you for the opportunity to visit your port and read your story.

I do hope this has been useful and taken in the encouraging spirit for which it was intended.

*Peace* Kjo just groovin’

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Rated: E | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Jaywalker *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

One of the elements In your story I loved with the layers of meaning. On a deeper level, it was so much more than 'grieving" for a love lost. Excellent job with giving the reader's much to ponder.

There was a quiet beauty to your story. This is because of the well chosen words and the lovely way in which your words fused and flowed together. Such grace and substance. Superb!

For the most part, every word was well chosen and used to substantiate the true meaning of the story.

I did love the aesthetic 'essence' of your story. In many ways, it was like poetry. Stunning!

I do have a couple of thoughts if I may?

windowsill’s been I'm not sure if the apostrophe is necessary...it's not as if the windowsill is possessive of the 'been' ?

Also, this is a short-short story. You may want to rethink some of the adverbs.
You used quite a few considering the length. Adverbs are useful, even necessary sometimes, but most often they can be removed without losing any integrity of the sentences. Here they are undramatic ally, sadly, spindly, poorly, accidentally, desperately, perpetually, gently. I think adverbs can be a lazy habit to fall into. I think if we ask our self, what are we trying to say by writing? "I did dread the obscurity I’m plunged into when I accidentally flick off the over head light," What do we learn about the character or his/her internal/external conflict? Would the reader have more insight into the character if you used a more descriptive word? Just thoughts for you to consider.

Otherwise, this was beautiful. Deep and profound and yet, sad. A shining example of a discriminating author.

I'm glad I was able to stop in. I hope you find my comments helpful.

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Review of A Cold Night  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There piescriptor *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request a review page. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I think there are multiple meanings to your story...layers that need to be peeled back in order to understand the true meaning of your story. There is this ambiance you've created that makes your story beautiful in many ways.

We know there is something deeper and though we don't know what, it encourages us to consider, to ponder to wonder; therefore, your story is thought-provoking. Well done!

I like the fact, we never fully understand the conflict, though we know it exists. Superb!

I think, this was well written and I like the suspense and ambiance. But there were a few small issues I found in my read. May I make some suggestions?

Watch your adverb use. For such a short story, there were a lot of adverbs. This is an easy trap to fall in but it's also a lazy trap. Adverbs are useful, but it's best to keep them at a minimum. They don't offer much insight into characterization or conflict. Here's some of the adverbs you used, some more than once: prominently, impatiently, slightly, originally, chilly, temporarily, quickly, tightly, deeply, frankly, rhetorically, partially, suddenly, simply, brilliantly
As I mentioned, they are useful but your sentences can be so much more expressive and insightful without them. Ask yourself, what are you trying to say about a character or the conflict. What has the reader learned from 'prominently or brilliantly...ect.? In fact, most often you can remove the adverb from the sentence without losing any of the meaning.

For example, you wrote: "Her bright green eyes shined brilliantly in the moonlight." But what if you substituted the adverb for one or more words? The light of the moon made her green eyes even more brilliant-- emerald gems sparkling.. . " Ok, you may not like my example, but I'm sure you get my point.

No hood, only two pockets--into which his hands were resting--, and a slightly worn zipper. also, watch your use of punctuation, this is one example. I think it's unnecessary for the -- and the , *Wink* You may want to proof your use of commas. As you know, you want to use commas to not just emphasize and for pause, but also to control the pace and flow of your sentences. Too many, misplaced commas can interrupt the flow. For instance, you wrote: "He thought back, considering the possibility that the girl had talked with the man beforehand[,] telling him details about his life to convince him. I'm not sure it's necessary to have a comma after beforehand. But he then remembered the details that only he should've known, things that no other person on Earth could possibly know . about. Also, watch your sue of that' it tends to weigh sentences down and isn't always necessary

otherwise, i think this story is a gem just waiting for a bit more polish so it can shine even more brilliant. I like the aesthetic feel to your story...it seems there is this deeper layer...one more profound. It is thought-provoking Excellent!


I like the intimacy created by the reflection from your main character and from the intrusion of the female who doesn't try to 'save the day' but in a quiet way, strengthens their bond and gives him hope.

Thanks for sharing. I hope you found this useful

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Review of Project Reject  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There pandablackhawk *Note4**Note4*


Greetings! Found your story on the Request a review page and stopped in for a review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggests in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader’s perspective.

Your story was very disturbing. I think you did a find job of making me believe your character was troubled and disturbed. So good job with Characterization.

Overall, the story line is good. It’s not all that original but I think because your characterization is so strong, it helped to make this story stand out. It seems you do have a creative flair for this type of genre. Excellent!

That being said, I did have some issues with the story, issues which are easy to address if you choose. Most of them are in the mechanics of writing…formatting and punctuation with a few issues in grammar due to wordiness and the heaviness of sentences because of the reliance on ‘that’ and ‘had’ . The final issue is believability. While I applaud you for making your character’s madness believable by his actions/reactions and thoughts, the sub-plots, some of the action scenes and actions of the other characters were a bit far-fetched. I’ll explain more if I may?

The formatting is a bit odd to me. Too many spaces between paragraphs and I’m not sure the purpose of the one line sentence before the bigger paragraph. The way it’s formatted, does interrupt the flow of the story, and then the one paragraph beginning with “He isn’t scared… ’ is almost too long. Perhaps if you broke the paragraph up into 5-10 Sentences with a balance of simple and complex sentences, the story would flow with more ease and it would significantly reduce the choppiness and look more professional and polished. *Wink*

I would advise you to proof for punctuation. There were a lot of sentences that were run ons because they were two complete sentences adjoined by a comma, and other areas where sentences would benefit from a pause (comma) but were without punctuation. For instance:
At that point[,] his parents had stepped in they sent him to a shrink. a comma after point is needed. He walks into the bathroom and cleans off his @#$ then pulls on a pair of boxers that was in the sink[.] He finishes off the outfit with a pair of grey cargo pants. Period after sink and capitalize he. The comma creates a run o because its two complete sentences.


Those are just two examples of issue with punctuation, there were more?


Soon enough[,] He started going to Matt's both times. Matt noticed the growing attraction and he didn't like the idea of to two seeing each other romantically. Just questioning capitalizing Soon and He and also a comma is needed after ‘enough’. So he told Rebbecca a little story to make her fear the young man. He told her that he was a rapist and that what he told her was all a lie used to gain her trust so he could rape her as well. this sentence is also a little wordy. I think you could edit to refine. For example: He told his daughter Ace was a rapist and he will manipulate her until he gains her trust. Sometimes it’s more effective, to just keep it simple. ‘that’ isn’t always necessary to the effectiveness of the sentence. Oft times you can remove that without losing any meaning.

At that point{,} his parents had stepped in they sent him to a shrink. The shrinks name was Matt Cergon. He had two kids who sometimes helped him with his work. Comma needed after point and you can remove ‘had’ because ‘stepped’ works in itself. Also, you could reduce the use of ‘He” by combining your sentences.

He has refused to let Matt in all three times he has come over a little rewrite, because it’s a bit awkward.


He tucks the handgun into the back of his pants and pulls the shirt over it. He takes a hand rolled fuse and sticks it in the gas tank… At the same time he pulls the gun out he realizes that he never even checked to see if the gun was loaded….He takes out the silencer and attaches it to his pistol he then takes two clips and loads them before going up stairs to find Kathy's door open a crack. Here I wanted to comment on a level of believability. There seems to be some contradictions…some issues with continuity. By this I mean, you write, he takes the gun…and then later question whether he checks for bullets but then he uses a silencer. Where did the silencer come from? You did mention her fund more clips for the gun from Kathy’s fathers. Is it just coincidence the clips fit? It’s important to make sure the reader isn’t left confused. Even the smallest of details can make a big difference with believability.



He isn’t scared although [,] he probably should be[,] he has killed a man and he plans to kill again. comma where the brackets are. You have on run on after another.

Rebbecca reacts first[,] she moves out and puts two fingers to his neck[,] she feels nothing. Here again, commas are needed. You have one run on after another


As I mentioned, your characterization of Ace is very good. You made me believe he was certifiable. I think overall, the story line is good and some of your scenes were well constructed. I think once you proof for punctuation and edit the formatting, the story will flow with more ease. Also, make the story more believable by addressing the issues with continuity.

I hope this has been helpful. I think this story ha grand potential. Right now it just needs some polishing and refining.


Thanks for sharing.

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Rated: E | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There BScholl *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing on reader's perspective.

Wonderful title! it's what initially drew me in. *Wink*

Overall, this is a lovely story. Heart warming and compelling with a good message. Well done!


There was some excellent examples of effective story-writing here. I feel you did a great job of 'showing' us the story rather than telling. There are some examples of beautiful use of words such as: 'the cold of the house crept over her." and " the wind caused the few trees to contort in odd menacing shapes' for example

Nice use of action and showing us the menacing storm. I could feel the winds bashing her and the rain pelting down as she trekked to the farm. Excellent!

It seems you understand the fine line between descriptions and details. it was wonderful that you didn't weigh your story down with unnecessary details. Too, you keep the adverbs to a minimum and know that "that' and had" can weigh sentences down so you stayed away and made your sentences a nice combination of simple and complex and and active rather than passive. Superb!

You constructed your action scenes very well and the dialogue was believable, so your sentences flowed with ease moving the plot along. Outstanding!

I do have a couple of observations if I may? in the opening paragraph...the first two sentences could benefit from a little refining. perhaps if you joined the too together it may be more effective? "Denise stood in the rain as the cold drops speckled her denim top and matted her hair, but she didn't care. " or something to that effect.

and a little repetition: with 'the few trees' and against a few tall sycamores..."

The issues were so minor, hardly worth mentioning. I saw nothing else in the area of grammar or in the mechanics of writing that tripped me up as I was reading.

I thought the storyline was sweet and endearing. I loved the subtleties of the supplication in this story. They have so much to learn from each other...God brought them together for a purpose.... Martha teaching about the grace of God and Denise about living life inspite of the storms. Together they can find the joy in life God meant for them to have.. bravo!

I enjoyed your story. Thanks for sharing.

I do hope you found this useful

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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There BIG BAD WOLF *Note4**Note4*


Greetings! This will serve two purposes, one thsi is a 'pay it forward' review and a power reviewers raid view. Thank you for visiting my port and reading my story. i hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I think this is original and inventive.

What I liked is the fact...the characters in the story are werewolves...military style and yet...the voice and tone of the story was so nonchalant about this fact...as if werewolves were the equivalent to humans and humans were the sub-species. Nice job with twist and with making your this aspect of your story believable.

I thought giving your werewolves emotions...true emotions was a wonderful touch. Here again, it made them seem real and made it easier for the reader to care and connect.

I like the uniqueness of the branding.

I liked the ending...it was bittersweet for one couple and yet joyous for Jason. The 'nickname is endearing.

I think this has huge potential but I did stumble and get distracted a bit. May I make some suggestions?

Some of your paragraphs suffer from wordiness and repetition. For instance, take part of your opening paragraph: "This was something of a safety measure against civilian authority, because those who served, as well as their families, were considered military property, and to destroy or damage military property was considered an act of treason. Then again, in a world of monsters who prayed on those weaker than themselves, this was an important safety measure. True there was a chance that one could be killed during the line of duty, though that was low thanks to certain spells that the medic-mages knew, but at least those in the military could trust their comrades with their lives, unlike some other careers" This is all interesting and yet...for an opening paragraph...it's too much information. I think you could say the same using less words... Sometimes keeping it simple is more effective This was in part a safety measure against civilian authority. Those who served ,and their families, were military property. Anyone who destroyed them would be charged with treason. After all, in a world of monsters who preyed on the weaker, there had to be a viable defense mechanism. Just thoguhts for you to consider.


Underneath the uniform was a special mark, a tattoo, one that marked one as military property Here again, just a little wordy.

In the following series of sentences, I was distracted a lot by the heavy reliance on the word that. "That" can be useful, even necessary, but more times than not, we just over use it out of habit. it just makes sentences heavy However, to a soldier, it meant more than that, as. It wasn't just ink, but a brand, one that had which burned the skin to a degree. It meant that they were amongst the best of the best in the military. After that, The branding meant the person they could call themselves a soldier. Also, after the person choose which branch that they wanted to serve in, they'd be branded again, and they would be branded again and again every time they were promoted. Then, if you decided to retire, or were honorably discharged, you'd get a special brand, one that said that you'd done your duty and though you weren't a soldier anymore,
I struck out some of the that's. What do you think? You can also, in some instances, replace 'that' with 'which" These are just thoughts to consider.

I can tell that you mean them, unlike some other people will when they will say those same words. Although this is dialogue, it does sound a bit awkward. Perhaps just a little rewrite.

As I mentioned, this story has huge potential. I like the storyline. it is inventive. Good use of point of view and emotion and theme. Some of the sentences need refining and polishing do to wordiness and repetition. The biggest issue for me however, is I feel you've tole the story as opposed to 'showing' us the story. Don't just tell us about the branding...show us..how painful is it? Give us examples so we can envision the act of branding and how painful it is. We need characterization and action/reaction as well as internal or external conflict to really care and connect. You're almost there with conflict...you need to push forward a bit more. Give us descriptions, mannerisms and action/reactions. With more show and less tell, coupled with the editing, this could be a powerful and compelling story.

I do hope this has been useful.

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Review of Crimson Corn  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Michael Schultz *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.




Some of of best stories are written from the memories we hold dear, usually the ones from childhood experiences and journeys. This is no exception and what makes it so readable, is I can sense the joy in your memory of that farm. It is evident throughout your story. Excellent!

This is simple story which makes it enjoyable to read and easy to relate to and yet its not simplistic in writing skills. So great job!

I do have a couple of suggestions if I may?


It had become a tradition for us to visit every year couple of things here…you mention “One Summer” and then say it was tradition every year…so it’s a bit of a contradiction. You could write, “Under a canopy of trees, my family and I traveled to the family farm which was tradition and this summer was no exception.

On the farm, the houses shared the land with several large sheds and a gnarled tree which stood before the rolling hills of corn. This just suffers a little from wordiness. You can cut back on the word usage to simplify. Such as: The farmland was shared with several other sheds and a gnarled tree which overlooked the rolling hills of corn.

I waited with baited breath for the pleasantries to end, each of us sharing our welcome stories. here again, I question the need for ‘each of us sharing or welcoming stories. What does that mean…just another way of explaining how the trip was? Just thoughts for you to consider

Even though my family and I were guests, we still had to work to pay for the food. perhaps edit so it’s more refined. Even though my family and I were guests we were still expected to help with the chores.

After offloading the Gator, we were briefed on the mission, which was to cut down or uproot the weeds that had taken up residence in the beet field… again, just a bit wordy. “…which was to uproot the weeds choking the beet field (or …to uproot the weeds overtaking the beet field )

This is a fine story. It just needs a little refining and polishing in order to shine as bright as it promises to shine.

I do hope you found this useful

Write on and then write on some more!

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Rated: ASR | (2.0)
*Note4**Note4* hey There R.H.N *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Shameless Plug page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I must say this is certainly creative, original and inventive. I think this is a wonderful subject/storyline.

I congratulate you on beginning the process of writing. This is the first step. Take your thoughts and ideas and begin writing and a story will develop…oft times its takes numerous rewriting and editing efforts and other times, it just falls in to place. The latter hasn’t been the case for me. I’ve always been a slave to editing and rewriting. *Wink*

While, I think you have a decent start here…the story has some issues. It reads like a first draft, but that’s ok, at least you are starting some where. *Wink*

The sentences are choppy. This is in part due to the short sentences. It’s best to vary the lengths of sentences. You’ll want simple and complex for a nice balance and variety. Also, the constant reference to “I” was a bit distracting. I realize this is a first person narrative…yet, you can reduce the reference by combining sentences and even calling him Captain…

I copied some of the problems sentences from your story. I will make notations in blue.

I found black powder seemed like another kind of drugs. This sentence is awkward and seems unfinished. Perhaps: The bag was full of a black powdery substance, unlike any drug I’d every seen, if indeed, it is a drug Yes, this sentence is longer but it adds more spice and drama.

I took it with me hoping to send it to the lab the following day. I worked as a police captain, so it was easy to send such things to the lab. Just a little repetition, it’s best to make every word count. perhaps: I took it with me in hopes of sending it to the lab. As a police captain, this wouldn’t be an issue The three men were already gone; they left the scene without a trace. here you write, they left without a trace. Please clarify a little more. Did they vanish in thin air/ They did leave a trace, a clue, if you will…the bag of powder which would have finger prints on it It’s important to make your scenes believable and consistent *Wink*


I put the bag on the desk, touched the powder and finally decided to call Inspector Randy in the morning since it was 4:00 am Here, you say call in the morning , but it is morning Maybe: “…decided to call even though it was four in the morning. . He was my superior to help me out with this mystery just a little awkward , we were old friends we were old friends is a complete sentence. Change comma to semi-colon or period/

jumped off the bed, to see what was going on, set my eyes on the mirror to see that I transformed into a cat with a human brain, two legs, two hands, fur, claws and fleas. Wow, it seems to be lacking a little more emotion. He seems so complacent to such a major transformation. Is the fact he had a human brain, the first thing he noticed/ {c} This struck me as very funny and I’m sure you didn’t mean for it to be. Sorry. *Shock* *Bigsmile*


I decided not go to work that day couldn’t go out like this. again, just a little incomplete.

After few minutes, the door bell rang. {c;blue} This has do to with believability. Where was his superior at his on the street of his house when he called? More than a few seconds should have passed ?

After Randy, I thought how can I adapt to this situation? Turned to this form forever! No cure for this now! I must learn to pass on; life won’t stop because of a human turned to a cat man. I have to continue my life, tomorrow I will go to work. This shouldn’t stop me. it just seems he’s to complacent., too ready to accept his new form. Where’s the anger, disbelief, the fear?


Lucky,am not a woman.thought. Just needs a little rewrite because it seems unfinished.

I love the story line. It is creative and I think this has such grand potential. However, it’s not without some issues.

Don’t get discouraged! It’s all part of the process! I do hope this has been helpful.

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Review of To Silence a Love  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Fairport *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Overall a mighty fine story, well written, suspenseful with a nice edge.

I think this is original, of course not the theme of murdering the spouse but you made it intriguing because of the chimes and because of the way in which wifey was killed. Superb!

I think you did a nice job with characterization of James we gave a little history of his internal conflict, you gave us some insight into his external conflict and I could envision this man descending into madness that lead to such a unspeakable crime.

it wasn't difficult to imagine he was capable...though I would of liked to have more characterization of the wife. What kind of illness attacked her so her mental state deteriorated? What were some of her actions and reactions that made him believe she was spiraling downward? I think if you were to give the reader's more clues into Debbie, your story would be more compelling and the added characterization,: the actions, mannerisms and reactions would 'show' the reader more as apposed to 'telling'' them she was 'ill' Showing whenever possible is always preferred.

I do love the plot of the story and the outcome..leaves us hanging a bit...we really don't know what is to become of James...and this aspect is intriguing. Excellent! job with twist and suspense.

Watch your adverb use. Too many are distracting. Adding an 'ly' to the end of a word doesn't make the sentence more effective. In fact, it creates a laziness in our writing because it's easier to add an 'ly' to the end of word rather then search fore more words which may be more effective and add insight into conflict or characterization. "Adverbs fall into the category of 'telling' rather than showing. Just thoughts for you to consider

I thought many of your descriptions were fantastic! I could hear the beauty of the chimes. I could sense the level of frustration in Jame as the plot grew more appealing. I saw this lovely old elm and could hear the wind blow through the chimes. Superb! you do understand the difference between descriptions and details! Mighty fine!

I think you constructed your scenes very well which moved the plot along. Good use of slow and deliberate action which matched the slow descent into madness.

I think this story has grand potential. it's almost there. it just needs a little more characterization of Debbie and weed out some of those adverbs. *Wink*

This was a good representation of a suspenseful/horror-like story. Original, inventive and the use of the chimes added a wonderful melodic evil to the story even if it was just in the minds of your characters. Fantastic!

I hope you found this useful

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Review of What is Beauty  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Julita *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your item on the Request a Review page and stopped in because the title piqued my interest. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What I liked about this 'letter is I think there are some wonderful examples of metaphors and some lovely use of language. Superb!

Many of the images I could picture in my mind Excellent!

There was this overall passion and sweetness to the tone of your letter which helped to make it endearing. Wonderful!

I do have some suggestions if I may?

First thing that struck me is the letter doesn't seem as 'intimate' as it should if it's a love letter to a lover. it seems to missing the element of 'love' to Mike from Julia. Oh it has some lovely words and lovely images...but not the I love yous...and why do I love you so. Yes, I did catch the fact the purpose of the letter is for Julia to define beauty, yet, it still seems to me missing a level of intimacy , for instance " Mike I find beauty in the way your hand ever so softly touches the curve of my back when we walk... Do you know what I mean. Or am I just blabbing on and on. *Wink*

And then there were a couple of the 'images' i was a bit confused about, which sounded a bit awkward when I read them, though I read them a few times.
...when the opera of the storm reveals at first dramatic clouds, winds and thunders and leads later to the rainbow grand finale. Perhaps: when the opera of a storm reveals the first dramatic clouds, before the wind picks up and the thunder rumbles in the distance...all of which is a prelude to the rainbows grand finale.. or something such as that. I'm sure you get my point.


...when juicy pear picked in the orchard carries back in time and becomes a key to the treasure box of memories. same thing here, it seems to be missing some words...and maybe it should be juicy pears...plural rather than singular.

I do think this is a gem in the making...it just needs a little polishing and refining. As I mentioned, there are some excellent and effective uses of imagery and word choices that were delightful *Wink*

I hope this has been useful. Thanks for sharing

Write on and then write on some mroe

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Review of Andrew's Eyewear  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Ccad Poe *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. i hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.


I thing your title is intriguing and the overall story substantiated the title so great job.

He's definitely a fashionista! *Wink*

The ending wasn't what I expected. So nice job with twist and surprise. *Wink* Rather than see the end in't it's literal form, I'd like tot hink it has deeper meaning...layers of meaning...because he was so caught up in clothing (hiding) himself...walking out with just sunglasses and converse (hehe) *Shock* was freeing...Own it young man! *Wink*

Where was his parents...I'd be mortified and be sending my son off to a counselor. *Bigsmile*

As I mentioned, this is inventive and original...with a some deeper meanings and surprises but, overall the story isn't with issues in grammar and in the mechanics of writing. May I make some suggestions?

He remembered one red sweater that he had tried on recently at the thrift store. Perhaps to simplify and so the sentence reads with more ease write He remembered one read sweater he'd tried on recently. No need to repeat 'thrift store" you've already established this and it just becomes redundant.

This whole paragraph could benefit from a rewrite and editing. Too man 'that"s " He knew that that red sweater must look nice on somebody in the world, and sometimes he became so sick of having to discard so many beautiful sweaters for such trivial s*** that he considered buying them all anyway, just to hang onto until he found that somebody who fit that sweater. Maybe that's what intrigued him about the sweaters – that there was a perfect somebody out there for every sweater that didn't fit him. To find that person to wear that sweater would make him just as happy as if it had fit his own body. He was just too damn long and thin." besides using a lot of 'that's which can weigh a sentence down...this paragraph is wordy.


But now, in his dimly lit bedroom, shades drawn, he at least felt warm like the fox in his den during the dead of winter, and safe like a murderer returning to the scene of his crime for good measure. I think it's fantastic you are using methaphors...it helps to bring life and color to your sentences...however these are a bit trite.


And each sweater or long-sleeve shirt that he tried each had it's own minor yet menacing flaw — the sleeves of the orange sweater that he liked were just too high enough to deem it unwearable; the striped lamb's wool sweater that everyone loved was baggy at the armpits; the gray L.L. Bean sweater that made many-a first impression was now making clear how horribly broad his shoulders were. Again, watch the over use of 'that' and it's best not to begin a sentence with a conjunction.

I think this has grand potential. it does meed a little refining and polishing so it can shine as bright as it promises. I do like the ;layers of meaning' in this story and your young man is certainly an odd ball which makes him endearing.


More than anything, the one phrase which really stuck out was the "Cuts." Now this is intriquing...and came out of left field but I wanted to more more about the 'cuts" Does he cut him self, is he abused...ect. He does seem to have some issues...but I thought the ending was fitting. *Bigsmile*

I hope you found this useful.

Write On and then write on some more

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Review of Brain dogs  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

*Note4**Note4* Hey There bricksandsparrows *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Shameless Plug page and stopped in because of your unique and intriguing title. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I found your story to be fascinating.

It is, without-a-doubt, strange, in a wonderful way and peculiar yet original and creative.

As a reader, what I appreciated most is how you humanized your protagonists. In spit of his declining mental health, we saw him function, day to day, (and working for a catalog company, in itself, is enough to drive some one near insane... haha *Bigsmile* )

So though, he is obviously suffering, he can still catch a bus, take his meals, carry on conversations (even if they are delusional, and work). When an author humanizes their characters it's easier for the reader to identify, care and connect. So Bravo

I do have a comment to make if I may. Your story was well written except for the heavy reliance on the word "that" That is useful, sometimes even necessary. Most often 'that' can be removed and you'll find the sentence reads more active and flows with more ease. The following samples pulled from your story are just a few instances where you used that. There were many more.
I know that this is the same person, thinks that it is funny to put on different voices ,I even fear that this is his design, One of the saddest and hardest things that I have to deal with is that Richard, The dogs, whatever they really are, know that I can stop them and they will do anything

After reading the sentences without the 'that', what do you think?

Other wise, this was near perfection. Sometimes funny, oft time clever, a bit disturbing and yet compelling.

You did well with characterization and I really liked how you revealed the decline to madness slow. In many respects, this is Masterful!


I hope you found this useful

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