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51
51
Review of Farewell My Child  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey Ther BScholl *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestion in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I think you took a universal Parent/Child event and made it your own. While this wasn't a unique storyline...you made it endearing and engaging by adding "real life" to the story. Excellent!

By real life I mean of course, authenticating the event with the parents unabashedly sharing their sorrow and looking for ways to be positive about the change.

I think your interpretation is exactly how many parents react when a child, now a young adult, leaves home to join the 'big world' with dreams of there own. So great job!

Your story read with ease. I did't trip over errors or too many adverbs which can be distracting, and overall, this was well written. Write on!

I think it was unique to add the actions and mannerisms of the elderly couple and the young family. it did help to add life and color to your story. Superb! it helped in making the story more of a 'show' experience rather than 'tell' Nice!

I thought their emotions were real.

Your dialogue was well executed...it seemed natural and forthcoming.

Overall, nice job...not a story full of twists and suspense ...but it was 'real life', well written and with conflict to overcome and i think your characters handled their internal conflict with just the right amount of emotion to make it believable.

I have no suggestions.

Thanks for sharing! I hope you found this useful in some way.

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52
52
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There DS *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I think your storyline is great. You have the makings of an intriguing story here because what reader doesn't like like to be the voyeur? Whether we admit it or not...we do like to listen in, study, observe and even gossip. So in this sense, the 'idea' is intriguing.

Overall, your writing style is strong. You do use some good word choices.

What's missing for me is the 'ambiance" of this cafe. I want to hear the sounds, smell the aroma's, sense the action. In this respect, the story fell short for me. You are "telling' the story as opposed to 'showing' us though action, dialogue, description and characterization. Essentially, this is what is missing for me. it's best not to tell the read...young lovers walk into the cafe...show us. We need, to hear the sounds of this cafe and to smell the smells...what does "Argeeleh" smell like?

What's the dialect...allow us to eavesdrop on a conversation...rather than 'tell' us a conversation is taking place.

A little description of this cafe helps too...allows the reader to envision...is it an outdoor cafe...street venue....ect.

I do have a couple of technical suggestions. There was a lot of repetition in your sentences. Repeating same words...which was a little distracting and lends a heaviness to that sentence. Here are just a few of the sentences where you may want to reconsider the redundancy and simplify. (there there were more instances) They don't look around them because they are above that. They don’t see anyone around them because they are there to be seen. They hear each and every conversation made. They take note of each and every individual sitting in their field of vision.
This table has a group of guys and girls who all have to laugh loudly between each sentence they say. Their laugh drowns out the rest of conversations it is loud, and happy.


I like the fact you authenticate this with the mention of traditional dress (Muhajabat) and I did get the feeling of a foreign country...such as Arabia...but I wanted more *Wink*

Overall you have a fantastic storyline...I think this has grand potential

It does need some polishing an refining. In particular, consider adding some color and life so we can envision this cafe...allow us to inhale the argeeleh. What kind of food is served...what kind of spices would we smell? If we are overhearing a argument...allow us to become a part of this argument...allow us to hear some of the conflict...what would two angry overs say to each other? The technical stuff..is easy as to address...adding more life, color, drama and richness to the story...take a little more thought...but it's obvious you have the capabilities to do so.

I do hope you found this useful.

Welcome to Writing.com and please do Write on!

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53
53
Review of Fox Paw  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Note4**Note4*Hey There Fanged Smile *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. i hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I found your title interesting.

I was glad, toward the end of the story, you incorporated the 'Fox Paw" up until that point, I was wondering what your title had to do with your story. I thought likening the fox biting off his paw, to the young boy's abusive home life was powerful and effective. Excellent!

The story is sad, touching and distressing. I think the young man was fighting to believe his father, underneath that 'monster' was a good man. The young man was conflicted and I could sense this.

I do think your story could benefit from some polishing and refining. It is a little rough around the edges...especially the opening paragraph.

The sun perched on top of the power lines and scorched the air. My eyes were waterless rocks in my head that my eyelids dragged themselves over time and time again as my throat became a |sun baked desert canyon. It was a mercy. If I had been able to cry or scream I would have lost my mind completely as we watched the van disappear down the street, pause briefly at the intersection and take a right turn out of my life. In the areas I underlined, there are some issues. First: Though I know what you mean...the sun perched on top of the power lines is a peculiar image. Perhaps: the sun was so low and big it appeared to be perching on top of the power lines. Or something to that effect. Second: water less rocks...as opposed to water rocks? it's an image hard to imagine...You may want to rethink this one Sometimes is ok to keep it simple. The readers understand the 'desert' usually means dry and sun baked. So you may want to cut out the excessive words. " It was a mercy" is a bit confounding to me. I'm not sure what you mean by this and how it relates. Do you mean merciless?
It was merciless? And last you write if I had been able to cry or scream, I would have lost ... Do you mean...If I wouldn't have been able to cry or scream... ." it's sort of contradictory.


For such a short story I think you did a good job of characterizing the birth father, the monster he was and his violent, mean tendencies. You did this with a little action and some expletives, but they were effective Superb!

It was like I’d been staring at a red light that suddenly turned green. I noticed you like to utilize 'that' That can be useful even necessary...oft times that lends a weightiness to the sentence and sometimes it can be removed altogether. Try replacing some of the 'thats with 'which" as in : It was like I'd been staring at a red light which suddenly turned green Do you sense the difference? What do you think?

Another example: you wrote: So she ground her teeth and even through the divorce hearing where he slapped on that mask of his that made people see him as Mr. Wonderful. Perhaps: So she ground her teeth and even through the divorce hearing when he slapped on the mask appearing to be Mr Wonderful, she kept her composure.

I would also like to mention watch your adverb use. Too many can be distracting. I think you're ok...but if you were to lengthen this and use more, they would take away from your story. Adverbs are useful...but they tend to create a laziness in our writing. Adding an 'ly' to the end of word doesn't increase it's effectiveness. Adverbs are problematic because they tend to 'tell' rater than 'show"

I think you have a powerful story here with some good use of action, characterization and some effective elements of story writing. This does read like a first draft but does have so much promise.

This is a gem just waiting for a little more polish so it can shine as you intended.

I do hope you found this useful

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54
54
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Eternal Chimera *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request a Review page. You are receiving this review as part of the Power Reviews Raid. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.


I think you had a bit of a rough beginning but as the story grew, you came into your own as a writer and your story gathered more interest and intrigue. Write on!

There was this wonderful sweetness to the relationship between the sisters and i loved the protective trait of older sister. In this respect, you have begun to give us effective characterization. Wonderful!

I Iike the fact you've given us conflict and yet, kept us in suspense...with this vision...we know very little about it which keeps the reader compelled to read more. superb!

I do feel your story could benefit from some refining and polishing so it can shine as it is intended.

May I make some suggestions?

I felt like your opening paragraph was a bit wordy and constrained You wrote: When I called him to tell him of our situation (parts of it, anyway; I left out the wing-growth part), I had expected a lot of reactions.{:} Indifference, sindifference, skepticism, shock, fear or maybe even a few kind words. What I never expected was him landing at our house to take taking us away to his place. to live. But, as fate would have it, that was exactly what happened. I struck out some of the wordiness..which may help to make the sentences read with more ease.

an ancient brown leather bag slug carelessly over checker-clothed shoulders, do you mean slung ?

She’s seven now,” I chipped in – more out of an irrational wish to ascertain our vast age difference, to convince him that our relationship teetered more to the mother-daughter side than to the expected sister-sister one.

Our father looked grand as he ever did in a rich burgundy kurta, just a suggestion to remove excessive words

Oft times, simpler is better . *Wink*

Watch your adverb use . Adverb are useful, even necessary at times, but too many distract from the meaning of story and weigh sentences down. They don't add insight into characterization or conflict and instead create a laziness in our writing. try replacing some of them to minimize the distraction and to add insight and life to your sentences. exactly, agonizingly, uncomfortably, uncertainly, instinctively, keenly, thoughtfully, quietly, prickly, apparently, increasingly, stubbornly,eventually, bravely, hesitantly, fiercely, happily,

All these suggestions are easy to address if you choose. As you know it's all part of the process of writing.

As I mentioned, you had a bit of a rough start with the opening paragraph and then your story just got better and better. this does have grand potential!

I do hope you found this useful. Thank you for sharing.

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55
55
Review of The forest of now  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There the Winter Wolf Warrior*Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. i hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perpsective.


I like the perspective. It’s kind of fascinating to see humans from the perspective of an animal. It’s not original but it is intriguing.

I think the fox as a character is believable. When the narrator said the fox was quick, clever and sly…I believed it because it was substantiated by action. Nice job!

I think you have a pretty good beginning here though it does read a lot like a first draft, therefore, it does require some rewriting, editing and proofing. In my read, there was a lot of repetition, wordiness, punctuation issues and some errors in grammar.

Don’t get discouraged! This is all part of the process of writing. I can begin to tell you how many times I’ve edited and rewritten my stories. Some I’ve worked on for over fifteen years! *Wink*

May I make some suggestions?

It scans its surrounds with its vision glaring off the horizon. Here, I think surrounds is used incorrectly for this sentence. It should be surrounding. and perhaps, you could replace off with into. the horizon? It smells the air and a delightful aroma began to fill his nostrils to the brink of pleasure. In the previous sentence, I get the point of the sentence, but it doesn’t read with ease. Perhaps simplify. The fox sniffs the air and a delightful aroma fills his nose bringing him pleasure.


He came through to a large open area that gave its space to a multitude of strange large structures surround the vast treeless area. again, perhaps use surrounding?

Feeling out of place in the strange habitation, the fox made his way to the forest[, ]The fox quickly halted to a stopped as he heard a loud noise coming from behind him. The punctuation between the brackets should be replaced by a period. As it is now, it’s a run on sentence.

He turned and saw a large creature like none he had ever seen before yelling something he has never heard before. A bit wordy with the repeated use of he had and{i/} he has…as well as, some tense issues…had been past and has being present.
Perhaps: Turning, he saw a larger creature like none he’d ever seen, yelling words unfamiliar to him. Just thoughts to consider.

The fox quickly jumped the barriers placed around the structure and quickly ran for cover into the forest perhaps try replacing one of the ‘quickly’” with another word.



The fox looked up and found a felines sitting comfortably in a tree third branch. should be singular…as in feline.

"Listen your clever that will not help you in this matter" should be you’re The feline started to walk away only to glace back at the fox. they use the animals to add to their skin should be capitalized They . Please do not be fooled by their tricks. I bid you a good day"[.] The feline quickly went away out of sight of the fox. There are several areas here where your dialogue is punctuated incorrectly. If you are continuing the sentence though the dialogue has stopped, it may not be necessary to add punctuation, but if you are not continuing the thought, then there should be a comma, semi-colon or period inside the quotations.



The rabbit ceased to move as one of the creatures holding something with in his hands, one end of which was smoking, came out of the bushes. either within or in.

"Fool don't you get it? They kill us for fun,[;] they kill us from a long distance, and they never ease up on the fact that they have us beat." The feline began to walk off, "and if we were going to do something, the chance is lost to us now. I feel as if this will be our last meeting on good terms. farewell now." semi-colon in the brackets instead of a comma because they are two separate sentences. Also, farewell needs to be capitalized.

The fox carried the rest of his meal back to his den with him.
The fox ate the rest of his meal outside of his home. den and home are one in the same…might want to remove one because it is redundant.

The fox began to get out of there and looked back for a second. He looked back and a few were staying as the rest began to run after him. again, some redundancy with same words usage. May want to replace.. Also, it’s a bit awka3ward to write, the fox began to get out of there. You may want to give us an action word…to show us he is getting out. Such as…The fox scampered of fled or hightailed, slid with the ease of it…well you get my point…it’s your story, you know what actions you want to give the fox. *Wink*

Overall, you have a good beginning here. I like the perspective and the fox is believable as a character. I like the introduction of this feline…who aids the fox though they could be mortal enemies. *Wink*

There are some issues in grammar and in the mechanics of writing but with a little refining and polishing, this story has great promise


I hope you found this useful.

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56
56
Review of Two Wise Women  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Prof Moriarty back2work *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Overall, this is an inspiring story and its believable. The situation, the characters and the events leading to the reunion between parents and son were believable. Superb!

The theme that love really can conquer and overcome anything even something as reprehensible as prejudice and bigotry, is inspirational.

Too I thought the overall story was heart-warming because of the reunion. It was as if, the parents wanted the reunion years ago but didn't know how to let the son know because of his anger toward them.

I felt like Sid's love for Linda was genuine and deep. For him to give up his homeland so she wouldn't have to deal with the ignorance of the parents and perhaps of the 'people' within his community, was certainly a gesture of unwavering love. It was obvious he didn't want her to know the pain of being ostracized.

Linda's gesture of insisting he go home is a perfect example of how deep her love is for her husband as well as he understanding. They both seem Wis beyond their years in some ways, yet stubborn in others.

I thought you did an excellent job of characterization for both Sid and Linda in this respect. Outstanding!

I think the internal struggle within Sid was believable as well. And for him to decide to go to his homeland and accept the offer to inaugurate the new school, was commendable, and perhaps deep within he was hoping for a reunion with his parents, perhaps even, he was thinking the disparity between them could be lessened by the 'precociousness ' of his daughter. In any event, I liked the fact this kind of conflict made your story easy to relate too and it was authentic in this sense.


This has all the marks of a perfect story. A heart-warming theme with a lesson to learn and a sweet ending.

Up until the last few sentences, this was well written. previously, I didn't see on error in the mechanics of writing or in grammar. And then the last few sentences and wow, I was wondering what happened. it was as if you were hurrying to finish and didn't check for errors. All of a sudden, bad grammar
which seemed to come out of now where. of course it's easy to address.

Here are some of the issues i discovered, which I underlined.

You've to stand by me while I set this up. It will be unbearable for me to live without you and Beth. But we have to pull through this together till the management of the factory can run it without me." I think all three sentences could be rewritten to refine and polish. Perhaps: You two have stood by through this entire process. It would be unbearable to live without you and Beth. Together we will pull through this and when I find the right manager to run the factory... ." Or something to that effect.


For long I lived with the guilt of taking you away from them," she confessed. Seems like it's missing a word or more to complete the sentence. it's unfinished.


He closed his eyes, nuzzled his nose against her soft hair and wished for time to come to a standstill. I just struck out some unnecessary words.

Again, those are easy to address if you like and perhaps, I'm reading it wrong...but no matter how many times I read those last few sentences, it seemed wrong to me.

In spite of those small mishaps, this was a fine story. I was put off a little by Sid's arrogance. i say this because...he seemed a bit self-centered when his daughter said 'the people worship him and he wants the glory" I thought this statement was a bit pretentious and arrogant. But, it's also what humanized Sid, after all, none of us are perfect and we all hove our challenges, internal and internal to overcome.

I hope you found this useful.

Write on and write on some more

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57
57
Rated: E | (2.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There kwud *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! You are receiving this review as part of a 'pay it forward' gesture. Thank you for visiting my port and reviewing one of my stories. I appreciate the opportunity to look your port over and review one of your stories.

I hope you find my comments helpful. Pleae know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I seems your are translating a bit here...I say this because I noticed some of the "British"? spellings for English "colour" ect. So perhaps this explains some of the 'technical' difficulties in your story.

No worries though! As you know, this is all part of the process of writing a story. A story without revision, rewrites or editing is, in my opinion, virtually impossible. *Wink*

I think, you have an intriguing concept here. With this in mind then, your story does have promise. What's lacking for me for the most part...is you;re are 'telling' a story rather than showing. And showing when possible is always preferred. it seems, from my perspective, that the house has more character than the 20 kids living in the house. Basically, the reader got a tour of the house, explaining each floor and every room rather than focusing on the large, and I mean large family. So, the story was lacking appeal for me. Sorry!

You begin the story with reporters knocking on the door wanting to learn about how such a large family gets along. But instead we only find out their living arrangements and how many bathrooms and tvs. What I want to know as a reader, is are this children adopted, or is this a group home and they are surrogate parents, or if they are all their children whats their names, their ages, their personality traits...we need some characteristics to have a character or any depth. Why are the reporters interested? Is the family new to the area and so they are an oddity therefore newsworthy?


I had so many questions as I was reading and why where the parents at the end hoping the reporters would think they were crazy? What were the parent's motives?

The story doesn't really have a plot or a defined theme. Why do they just want a tour of the home and not a personal interest story/ Is something special about the house? As you can see, there were a lot of unanswered questions as I was reading.

There were a few technical issues as I mentioned. The biggest hiccup for me is the formatting. The formatting is just difficult to follow. The sentence drop offs and the irregular paragraphing and spacing makes the story hard to read. The flow is interrupted which makes it distracting.

As far as grammar, there are a few issues, most are so easy to address if you choose. Several times you wrote "rowans" when it should be capitalized "Rowans" and many of your sentences were weighed down by the use of 'that had' making your sentences passive rather than active. For instance: you wrote: "...attributed to the reporters that had shown up at their door." Perhaps you could write: :attributed to the reporters showing up at their door..."

Another example: You wrote: The rowans explained that they controlled the bathroom problesm by/...} Instead, how about The Rowan's say they control the bathrooms issues by having seven of them...." Or something to that effect. Had and that isn't always necessary to the effectiveness of the sentence. *Wink*

You did shift tense, from time to time. From past to present..."that had shown up....then you write as the knock came at the door everyone quickly drops... " this creates a little confusion for the reader.

I think, as I mentioned, this story does have great promise. it is certainly intriguing. And even contemporary, ( so many reality shows with LARGE families and the viewing audience is curious. )*Wink* So in this sense, this could be a first rate story. However, the technical and grammar issues, are holding your story back from being all it could be.

Try showing more rather then just telling us. And why is the house more important then the twenty-two people living in it? I think you have a human interest story here if you shift the focus. The house isn't all that exciting but the large family living in it is. We need more characterization and a plot.

While this reads like a first draft, it dose have promise. *Wink* Thanks for sharing. I hope this has been useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

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58
58
Review of Everyone  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Note4**Note4* hey There Truewing *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! i found your story on the Request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I can say with certainty, this is intriguing and inventive. In a sense, one of the themes of this reminds of Hawthorne's "Scarlet Letter" I can apprecaite the layers of meaning in this first draft attempt and I didn't get the idea you were bashing the bible or it's teachings in any way. In fact, I think for me, you were instead mocking the ' phoniness of a staunch religion and it's strict unbending followers' as well as the hypocritical side quoting the passages of God's word and yet...not practicing any of his teachings.

Too, I think this chapter challenge our beliefs, our morals and how we adhere to 'rules and creeds" as if they're standard or as if we break any we fear our consequences. I found this aspect to be enlightening, stirring and disturbing. For in a way, the them, mirros many of the masks worn today. Superb!

This does have such promise!

With all that said, there are some serious issues in the mechanics of writing and grammar. Of course, this is expected in the first two or three drafts, and I understand you are more than aware. But I want to make some observations and suggestions you may want to consider during the rewriting and editing process



A few spelling mistakes: “I don’t know -he’s your father to- too your hesitation to come quickly temped tempted your sister to seek you out, you committed in the forbidden
“You can not be serous serious

hope that the next time I see you your back in your mask,” She faintly smirked, “You look way better with your face covered.” A couple small suggestion here. Perhaps I hope the next time I see you, you're wearing the mask. A comma for pause after 'you', removing 'that' which isn't always necessary to a sentence, and changing a few words so the dialogue is more active.

remembering a childhood neither of them had anymore. to wash away the pain the years had taken from them.Perhaps: to wash away the years of pain.... A little wordiness here. I struck out the 'anymore' which is unnecessary and oft times, simpler is better, which you may or may not agree with in my rewrite.

Around him the ivory mask hang on everyone’s faces, finally crafted to show ideal beauty {c:blue] A couple observations in this sentence: Around him, the ivory mask hung covering everyone's faces, hiding their true identity ...masks which were crafted to display the 'idea of' ideal beauty. Just thoughts for you to consider.

As soon as he had left his sister rain had started to fall, again, a little wordiness and heavy with the use of had.

Jake looked back a woman stood her hair almost covering a ivory mask plated in gold. It seemed harshly tempered replicating the scares of one who has undergone hardship she may have never had.

Her hands feeling of the icy rain that fell on them. This is a bit confusing...it needs to be rewritten for fluidity and clarification. Perhaps: Her hands were stone cold...like a forgotten tomb buried beneath mounds of ice, cold, desolate and forgotten. or something like that. But I’m sure you get my point.

after which you shall be decided on your punishment, one can only hope you are not given the mark of the forgotten.” Here again, just needs some clarification. “after which you shall be decided on your punishment , sounds a little like bad grammar. Perhaps: After which, your punishment will be decided ?

This is a great concept. I see it’s inventiveness and it is evocative. There are some fine examples of creativity and talent here, but it does need some attention and some rewriting.

I hope you found this useful

Thanks for sharing and good luck!

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59
59
Review of The Baptist  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Keni *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found you story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I found your byline in respect to the title, intriguing. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

This is one of those stories that make you go Hmmm. Your well chosen words, descriptions and dialogue kept me engrossed and engaged. Excellent!

You're right, it is a 'creepy cryptic puzzle" *Wink* But it was was well written and thought provoking. Wonderful

As he was pounding the pavement, I was running along with him. Great use of action. I believed he was running and the exchange of pleasantries with those he met on his run, helped to make it believable. Superb

I thought the internal dialogue as well as the nightmares were especially effective to show his conflict, his own hell. There is a sense of foreboding and despair in your story.

Your character has a lot of turmoil and this turmoil anointed with the repetitive use of the 'baptizing' phrase was as confounding as it was powerful Well Done

I saw no errors in grammar or in the mechanics of writing. If fact, this was well written, with good use of some of the elements of short story writing: conflict, dialogue, action, characterization, point of-view. Your sentences flowed with ease. While I couldn't decipher a definite plot you seemed to stay true to one consistent theme. This was a puzzle in deed and I feel like I could read it a few more times, and discover a couple more pieces to the puzzle I missed in the first read. *Wink* I'm not sure if this is good or bad, if this was your intention, than Write on! *Bigsmile*

I must admit, I not entirely sure of it's whole meaning.but there is depth and substance. When I think of resurrection, I think of hope and the odd thing is, I didn't sense any hope. Perhaps, this is the irony.

In any event, though I was left a bit bemused and confounded by some of it, overall, I marked your story high, because it was compelling, and well written and thought provoking.

i hope you found this useful

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60
60
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Kalinda *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.


I found your story quite titillating. In fact, it was engrossing and believable. I felt like I was a part of this 'deep exploration space vessel" you know your genre well. *Wink* Superb!

Also, this first chapter is a fine example of excellent characterization. Excellent! Great job with allowing your characters to be real and life-like with mannerisms and personality traits and action/reactions.

I think you did a fantastic job with setting and with constructing your scenes. You're off to a great start with this sci-fi action adventure story. I can already sense a love twist and you've begun to disclose the plot. The reader's are getting clues to conflict. Fantastic!

What has prevented this story from getting a five star rating from me is the over abundance of adverbs. Way too many. They were just distracting. Some of them you used twice or more. simply, normally, conspicuously, highly, completely, slowly, unfortunately, definitely, hardly, intensely, absently, incredulously, involuntarily, excitedly, unhelpfully, flatly, stiffly, facetiously, deliberately, deeply, wryly, quickly, nervously. Wow, that's a lot of distraction. Adverbs are useful, even necessary at times. But more often than not, they can be removed without losing any of the sentences meaning or integrity. They don't do much to 'show' the reader the story, and tend to fall in the category of 'telling' And "showing is always preferred. Adverbs tend to create a laziness in our writing. We use them because it's easier to ad an 'ly' on the end of a word rather than utilizing more words which will give us more insight into characterization, conflict, action ect.
Take the following two examples copied from your story:
"Beats me." Bryce shrugged unhelpfully. Or Adrian sat stiffly at the edge of the hard metal sleep platform; his back ramrod straight and his hands resting lightly on his knees. What does unhelpfully tell the reader about Bryce's reaction? Wouldn't we have more insight into his character if you were to say instead: Beats me," Bryce shrugged his shoulders with nonchalant apathy. Ok, you may not like my words but I'm sure you get my point. I think "his back ramrod straight' says more about the character then stiffly, or lightly" These are just thoughts for you to consider.


Other than the adverbs, this was well written and easy to read once I conditioned myself to glaze over the adverbs. There is action and conflict and good characterization and we begin to see a plot and there is this edge of excitement to your chapter. We know something is about to happen but we don't know what. Good job with these significant elements of effective story writing.

i think once you address the adverb issue, this will be a first rate- engrossing and exciting story.

i do hope this has been useful

Write on and then write on some more!

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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There wildbill *Note4**Note4*

Greetings and congratulations on having your story featured in this weeks's action/adventure newsletter! I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I'm not one for historical fiction with a Wild Western theme, but I can't deny the fact this was well written and deserving on the ribbon as well as being highlighted in the newsletter.

I'm not sure what the era is...Uncle John was old and his years as a Bounty Hunter and a Ranger are reflected on ,but I suspect it's still the early 1900's. Not that it matters other than this might help explain why Marilyn seems ignorant and prejudiced in her views. And why Billy is so impressionable...Back in the day...what boy didn't play cowboys and Indians when they were young? *Wink* Now I think most boys (girls too) are on their cell phone or ipod or Nintendo and game boys to be bothered with imaginary play. it's a bit sad but certainly reflective of our changing times.

I like how this was personalized...it wasn't just a Wild West story about scalping and murdering...Uncle John was real and his life was anything but a wild west movie...more like an autobiography of an adventures on the plains, tragic and perhaps to a few in that era, exciting.

I initially clicked in because I found the title fascinating. *Wink* But stayed because your writing is solid and engaging and the story was compelling, though the storyline, not to my liking. I have to give you props for a well written, emotional and impelling story about a man who had so much to say but time was running short for him. I can apprecaite the ending which I felt had within it's words, a profound message. Bravo!

You certainly understand the difference between details and description. Your story wasn't weighed down by detail after detail instead you gave the readers enough description of the 'memory' for the reader to be transported back Uncle John's defining moment...when his wife and son was murdered before his own eyes and he could do noting but watch in agony. Unparalleled emotion here. Superb!

I think you captured the essence a family who was torn over Uncle John and his 'stories' Though I didn't care for Marilyn's lack of compassion to a dying man. I did, however understand her undying need to protect her son. Excellent job with backstory which added a lot of substance.

I think you were effective in utilizing most of the elements of short story writing. Nice action from a memory point-of-view, good use of transition, conflict, characterization, plot and dialouge. I saw not errors in the area of grammar or the mechanics of writing to stumble me as a reader. write on!

Overall, well presented, well written and compelling.

I hope you found this useful

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Rated: E | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There RubyThursday *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request a Review page so I stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What I liked about this include two elements in particular and that's the humor and the fact you captured the essence of these girls, their actions/reactions as well as their thoughts and/dialogue. Superb!

Overall, though it was a spoof in a sense, and sort of pointless, I got it and I liked it! *Wink* And for what it is, I believed it. And believing is huge *Wink*

I'm mean it so girly...painting the nails in science, doing the hair in English class. ect, Wonderful! *Bigsmile*

I thought this was smart (smart as in vogue-trendy)and fresh. bravo!

I saw no glaring mistakes in grammar or in the mechanics of writing. well done!

I thought the facebook remark at the end was prevalent for today's social networking society.

Ok, it didn't have any major plot, no serious conflict to overcome, it was kinda simple and silly, yet it worked for me because of the humor and the use of small things like alliteration and dialogue which was believable and overall making this current. {c:blue] Bravo!

I hope you found this useful. Thanks for sharing

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Review of The Painting  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There n dru *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the request a review page and stopped in. Though the title is simple, I found it intriguing, wondering what this "painting" could hold, since there are numerous possibilities. *Wink* I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.


Yes perhaps this story was a bit cliche-husband strikes a deal with the devil to save the life of his wife-a theme that isn’t all that original- however, what made this story successful from my point-of-view as a reader, was the unexpected …that element of surprise as well as the great use of description and action.

Overall this was downright SCARY and FRIGHTENING. My creep-me-out-meter was on overload. *Shock**Wink**Bigsmile* Yeow!

I don’t watch movies or read stories about incubus because anything and everything about the devil, satan, prince of darkness, freaks me out…and well, I think if one believes God is their Saviour and believes in Christ, then knowing the devil exists is creepy enough, why read about how he devours and spreads evil. Ugh! Anyway, that’s just my perspective. But, I wasn’t expecting such an evil turn of events in your story, and, in spite of my distaste, it was compelling. In part because of the great use of description which help to bring the setting and the events alive, as well as the action which helped to move the plot along. Excellent!

For me, the painting was the antagonist…the character with the most believability, and with the most life-like qualities mot just because of the evil that lurked within, but also because of the transformation, the history and all the mannerisms which help a character become real and believable. Superb!

Other than the adverbs, which I went in to more detail further on in the review, this was well written.

Just a few observations:causing him to fall to his knees, wreathed in pain perhaps to keep with the flow of the sentence..."weathering in pain" might be a better choice?

We have 3 children together, it was now over 5 ripped pieces of flesh. good rule of thumb is that numbers under one hundred should be written out. three children...five ripped...

No glaring mistakes in grammar or in the mechanics of writing. Fantastic!

I think this story needs a little refining and polishing due to the overuse of adverbs. The biggest issue for me was all the adverbs.Some you used more than once. suddenly, wholly, immediately, hardly, instinctively,swiftly, cowardly, slightly, cautiously, badly, currently, directly, immensely, unwillingly, distinctly, deeply, slowly, furiously, truly, softly, instantly, heavily, obviously, breathtakingly, swiftly, pleadingly, heartily, ungraciously, silently, roughly, incredibly. Wow! That's a lot of adverbs for your short story. Adverbs are necessary at times but most the time they could be removed altogether without losing any of the sentences integrity. Adverbs are pesky and very distracting to the reader. They tend to 'tell' a story rather than 'show' and showing is always better when applicable. For me the over use of adverbs was the biggest glaring issue found with your story. . Once you contend with those, I think you’ll have a first-rate horror story here with a good measure of the creep factor. *Wink* You could consider omitting the adverbs or replacing them more words. If you choose to add more words in the adverbs place, you could enhance your story because it’ll add more insight into characterization, conflict, action ect.

Otherwise, a good read with strong writing skills and though the theme isn’t all that original, the other elements of story writing help to makes this story effective.

I hope this was useful. Thanks for sharing.

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Review of A Classic Threat  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Chowbear McCandless *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I think you're off to a good start with this first chapter. Great use of action and description. It seems I was taking the walk with Peter and could smell the ensuing danger and see the smoke rising. Wonderful

Overall, the first chapter was well written. I just have a couple of small comments I noticed as I was reading.

If he were to uncover a member of his own town of Lushgren had masterminded this embarrassment, he would see to it they answered their own mindless notion with the same hazard that now threatens the entire basin. He advanced forward, taut to the unwavering route that would lead him hastily to Lushgren. This isn't a biggie...but I read the above sentences a few times, and still, it wasn't clear to me...perhaps 'uncover' isn't the right word choice because it makes the sentence seem unfinsihed and unclear. perhaps discover? And also, watch the use of 'that' it isn't always necessary to the whole of the sentence. Oft times you can remove it without losing anything or if you need' that' you can oft times replace it with which' Which, by the way, doesn't lend itself to such a heaviness in a sentence like 'that' can. For instance, in the last sentence...since you used 'that once already, you could perhaps write: "He advanced forward, taut to the unwavering route which would lead him to Lushgern. I also removed the adverb 'hastily' which leads me to my next comment.

Adverbs are useful, even necessary at times, but you utilize a lot for such a short-short 1st chapter. Too many are distracting. They can be pesky because, all in all, they don't add much to the sentence and you can most often remove them without losing any of the sentences integrity or meaning.
They can also create a laziness in our writing because we opt for adding an 'ly' to the end of a word expecting it to make the meaning of the sentence more effective and descriptive. What does hastily, say advance hasn't already said? Here are some of the adverbs you used. commonly, rarely, unforgivably, repeatedly, highly, surely, intentionally, originally, gradually. My challenge to you is try to replace them using even more words if necessary which can give insight into the action, the character, the conflict exxt.

All in all, great beginning. I'm not sure where this story is going, but you've done a wonderful job of setting up the next chapter and giving us some clues to a possible plot. Excellent!

We don't have a lot of characterization yet, but I think you understand the importance of characterization just because Peter seems to be so driven and dedicated. Wonderful!

As I mentioned, good use of description! Not too detailed and I think it's great you are giving the reader a little history, background.

Keep up the good work and welcome newbie!

I hope you found this useful

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Review of Obliteration  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There stephanie.xx *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request a Review page. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective. I'm not an editor by profession and only can offer my opinion, with this in mind I hope you find my suggestions worthy, if at all.

What I liked about this story is the wonderful use of action. I really got a great sense of the rising storm. I loved how you related the rain pelting the roof like a "million battering rams thudding' Excellent description!


For such a short story, we learned a lot about the characters. You made the characters come alive with their actions/reactions and mannerisms. Superb!

Equally impressive was the fact I thought a tornado was coming, but instead it was a horrifying beast of some sort. Outstanding use of suspense and twist.

And there was a bit of humor which is always appreciated. *Bigsmile* Well done!

I think you constructed your scenes very well moving the plot along. I loved how Uncle was s nonchalant about the task (battle at hand, as if he knew this beast was coming and he knew what he had to do) My question to you is...why did it come to their house and would it's motivations were? In this aspect, you may want to continue to story. *Wink*

One observation I have is the abundant overuse of adverbs. Far too many for such a short story: barely, completely, obviously, severely, rudely, normally, immediately, passively, boldly, protectively, desperately, otherworldly, intently, hungrily, steadily, Some you used more than once. Adverbs are useful and even necessary sometimes. But too many are distracting and don't offer much insight into conflict, characterization, action ect. In fact many times you can remove the adverb without losing the meaning or integrity of the sentence. Take for instance this sentence where you used adverbs twice. What do we learn about mother nature other than she's pissed? You could remove obviously severely pissed without losing any meaning . " Mother Nature was obviously severely pissed. Adverbs can create a laziness in our writing because sometimes its easy to add an 'ly' to the end of a word rather than finding more words which could be more descriptive.

The other two observations I have is watch the use of that ..."It appeared that the shock had awakened Eva sometimes they too can be removed without losing any meaning.

And last...I just question the need for random capitol words.

Overall, and exciting story. Great use of action, descriptions and characterization. Uncle is a wonderful character. Outstanding!

I hope this has been useful in some way.

Thanks for sharing and best of luck if you decide to lengthen the story.

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Review of The Plaid Shirt  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There MissKate *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I liked the fact you created four characters around this one Plaid Shirt in the five and dime store. Overall, I thought this was well written with no glaring mistakes in grammar to stumbleover as I read. Your sentences flowed with ease and, in essence, this was original, creative and easy to read. excellent

Because this was like a skit with four different players all centered around the plaid shirt, the characterization wasn't in depth, but because you gave each character some personality with some unique characteristics, I found them to be life-like and it was easy to connect to each character and their scenario. Superb!

I also liked the fact you didn't litter your story with details. it's obvious you understand the fine line between descriptions and details. Fantastic!

The action was suggested or subtle and yet it worked in each scene. Fabulous!

The only comments I have are to watch the use of adverbs and the word that.
I loved that, and I loved how James always seemed invincible when he wore that shirt, as if it held some secret power that only he could tap into.
and I suddenly knew that I would be alright I struck out just a couple instances where you could remove 'that' which can weigh our sentences down. Oft times then can be removed without losing any meaning.

Too many adverbs are distracting. Adding an 'ly' to the end of a word doesn't make it more effective. Also, adverbs tend to 'tell' a story rather than show. Showing is always more preferred. Adverbs are useful and even necessary sometimes, but most of the time they too can be removed without losing any meaning. My challenge to you is to review all the adverbs and then try replacing them with more words which will be more descriptive and add more insight into the characters and their conflict.

" She stared intently at the ring on the plate ....She was practically drowning in one of my old shirts..." In these two instances where you used an adverb...what does pratcially and intently really tell us about the cahracter, the action or reaction? "
Though you shifted in tense and point-of view..which can be difficult at times to follow, in this story it worked and it worked very well. Superb!

Though the adverbs were a bit distracting, I found your story and each life touched by the plaid shirt engaging, with a little touch of 'heart warming' for good measure.

I think overall, your writing skills are strong, solid and you have a flair for the creative element of writing. Attend to some of the that and the adverbs and your story will shine even more. I do hope you found this useful.

Thanks for sharing

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Review of Jerome's Magic  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* hey There Dorianne *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! Well Doriann here I am with your pay it forward review. Thank you for visiting my port. You port is pretty expansive so I had a hard time choosing. But I finally settled on this one because it hasn't been rated or reviewed yet . I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

In substance Dorinann, this is a good story with a wonderful message. I love the fact both characters learned a lesson while helping each other and Jerome, whom I thought was a little whiny as he wallowed in self pity, got to be a hero and learn that life, even in it's most trying time, is something to value and appreciate, there is joy to be found in the journey. Superb message!

The theme I found consistent with the plot and the back story...so well done.

I thought you did a reasonable good job with characterization of Jerome , and I liked your title, though it was simple, it could have mulitiple meanings. excellent!

As I mentioned, is substance, this is a good story, but it could be made better with a some attention to the grammar and mechanics of writing. I felt your story has grand potential but is help back and weighed down by the over use of 'that and had' and wordiness.

May I make some humble suggestions?

The first thing I'd attend to is the formatting. The mountain of text without any spaces for pause, is more than a little daunting on the eyes. Spaces not only help the reader but also, spaces between the paragraphs makes the story look more polished and professional.

Also, watch your adverb use. There wasn't so many to be distracting, yet adding an 'ly' to the end of a word doesn't make the sentence more descriptive. In fact, adverbs tend to 'tell' more than they show and can create a laziness in our writing. Just thoughts for you to consider.

He looked more at the sidewalk in front of him instead of the street ahead. His usual pep in his step was missing. He kept his hands in his pockets, which kept them warm as well as away from anything that he would want to pick up and throw or smash.
“Yes, “ he thought to himself, “things did go from bad to worse. How it got this bad, I’ll never know.” The previous sentences are part of your opening paragraph and I felt some of them were a bit awkward and wordy. For instance to polish and refine: He looked more at the sidewalk in front of him than at the street ahead. The usual pep in his step was missing. He kept his hands in his pockets keeping them warm as well as restraining them from picking something up and throwing it with all his might.


. I used “more” with “than” because it helps the sentence flow and compliments the intended meaning. Also I removed ‘which kept them’ and adding keeping to make the sentence more active and to remove some of the wordiness.

“It was the one place that he had wanted to be in”

. First the girl that the stage manager recommended did not show up. Then the lady who tried to help broke the box that people used to disappear in. Finally, the flowers that were up his sleeve would not come out. People laughed. They thought that his performance was a comedy. When he tried to make something come out of his top hat, and failed, some joker threw a tomato and hit him on nice white shirt.” On the above paragraph there were a few issues. Some wordiness and heaviness, but also, some of the sentences were a bit too simplistic…a bit elementary in the word choices…such as ‘would not come out’ or ‘hit him on his nice white shirt’
Let me give you an example of rewriting so there can be more polish and effectiveness to the sentences.

It was the one place he felt alive. Adds a bit more drama and characterization.

First the girl the stage manager recommended didn’t show up; then the assistant he pulled from the audience, broke the box he used in his disappearing act, and finally, the flowers he kept up his sleeve took on a life of their own playing a game of hide and seek. It was aggravating! People thought he was performing a comedy act rather than a magic act and when he attempted to pull a rabbit from his hat, the flowers meant for his sleeve trick. Some joker threw a rotten tomato which split open staining his fresh white shirt.

Can you see the difference? How it’s a bit more descriptive allowing the reading audience to envision his magic show and the problems and the word choices are just a little more sophisticated and the sentences flow with more ease because I edited out the ‘that’s and the over use of had.

It’s important to engage the reader by ‘showing’ us more than telling us. You can show by adding action and description and giving your characters more mannerisms, action/reactions even the simplest of a ‘raising and eyebrow’ or the upper lip quivering’ gives clues into characterization and makes them more life-like and believable.



Jerome felt a light mist begin to fall. Some times simpler is better: A light mist began to fall. Another black mark on an unforgettable day, his car would not start. Jerome had to walk several blocks to get a bus to go home. Lets refine these sentences a bit : It was another black mark on an already frustrating day when his car wouldn’t start forcing Jerome to walk several blocks to catch a bus home. Again, just thoughts to consider.

These are just a few of the examples where I felt this could be edited to refine and polish.

In substance you have a wonderful story. I love the aspect of ‘hope’ in your story and I feel this has grand potential with just a little editing and rewriting. The message is powerful and the storyline is excellent. This is a gem of a story which only needs a little more polish in order to shine as bright as it can.

I do hope you found this useful.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to visit your port.

Write on and then write on some more!

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Review of The Jazz Festival  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey connieann *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! this is your "pay it forward" review! Thank you for visiting my portfolio and for the opportunity to visit yours. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Well I must say, this wasn't what I expected, but I liked it! *Wink* I chose this story, because I happen to be a fan of Jazz and so the title piqued my curiosity. I was thinking, hmmm, I wonder how this author is going to describe Jazz *Bigsmile* Jazz is an art form in itself, and writing about jazz and how it sounds, could be a challenge. But no matter, this story was wonderful.

You hooked me right at the beginning because of the dialogue between mom and the children and then kept me engaged with your well chosen words, the nice balance between simple and complex sentences and of course, the very well written story. Superb!

I even apprecaite the fact, though the Jazz festival was suggested and it was even the setting, the story was really something unexpected...so Superb! job with surprise and twist.

As I mentioned this was well written, no adverbs to distract, no wordiness that can lend a heaviness to sentences, no overuse of superfluous words and you didn't bog your story down with details. Excellent!

I thought your storyline was excellent, simple but effective and it has a contemporary appeal for any audience.

There was a moment when, as a reader, I sucked my breath in as well Fabulous!

Excellent characterization for a short story.

I think you used all the elements of effective story writing with aptness and creativity. it's obvious you are an seasoned writer. Masterful!

I saw no glaring mistakes to trip me up...just a heart-warming, simple but engaging story.

Bravo!

Thanks for inviting me in.

Write on and then write on some more

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Review of Regenesis  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There evilroad *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

In substance, you have a good story here. It's unique and It does have grand potential. There is a plot and it is easy to decipher and to follow because of the suggestion of action which helps to move the plot along.

As I mentioned, in substance this story has potential, but there are a few issues and it's not the plot or storyline which I think would be stronger and more defined once you address the other issues with grammar and with the mechanics of writing. No worries though! This is all in the process of writing short stories as you know. In our eyes, are our stories ever perfect? *Wink*

First, I'd like comment on the characterization. To help your story become more readable and enjoyable, the characters need to be round rather than flat ( three dimensional}. Characters we can relate to and care about. I think your story needs more character development. And this can be done by giving your character more personality, some body language and movements, action and reaction. Even something as simple as a twitch of the eye, or clearing one's throat, or walking with one arm swinging, helps to define you characters. Once you make your main characters and protagonist more life like, this will add more 'life' to your story. In addition when you describe the action which allows the reading audience to visualize them moving, this helps to add a richness and authentic element to your story. When the author tells us the character is hunting...it's difficult to visualize...show us how he hunts...not just the weapons, but the setting. Describe for us, how he may use his shoulder to steady the bow and arch back with his arm when aiming to fire the arrow. Well you get my point.

Another way for the reader to connect to the characters is to give a little history...this helps us to understand their motives. I see you did a little of that... very good you can add a little more...But we don't need to know every detail. *Wink*

My hunting companions called me to the daily hunt. Though this time this was no ordinary hunt. here, I wanted to comment on the repetition of the word hunt. You may want to research other words similar to 'hunt'.

Some tribesmen even tell of lies about how they had almost killed the beast. I thought this was a little wordy. Perhaps: Some tribesmen tell tall tales of how they've almost killed the beast. or Some tribesmen tell lies about how they've almost killed the beast. Sometimes simpler is better.


As one of the most revered hunters of our tribe, we have, in our undying arrogance, decided to take on this great challenge, with only the arms of our spears and stones. There was a little pronoun issue here between one and we. it's a little confusing, and also, the sentence could benefit from a little refinement. Perhaps: Out tribe is one of the most revered because of our hunting skills. Call it arrogance if you will, but our council decided to hunt the beast with little more than spears and stones. Or something to that effect.

The tales of how it lurks in the cover of shade in the Far Lands seemed to be a lie. Almost got it, just a little more polish The tales of how it lurks under the cover of shade in the Far lands seems to be a lie.

Instead, I saw a construct of a material not consisting of familiar wood or stone. This seems awkward to me. Maybe: Instead I saw a peculiar structure unlike anything I'd ever seen, so different from usual wood or stone used to build our huts.

The room was surprisingly warm, which was impossible for its surroundings. again, just a little more polish so the sentence flows with more ease. And rather then tell us how the room was warm...show us. Compare it to something we know as warm..


This story does have possibilities. There is structure and substance and plot and it is unique...and I can even sense a biblical supplication in the back story...but it isn't without a few errors which trip the reader up a little. You have a good start but it reads more like a first draft. But that's great because it's a beginning. *Wink* And all great stories have to begin some where and it's usually with a draft. So don't get discouraged.

I do hope this has been useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

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Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There LateNightWriter *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. i hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Overall, this is a wonderful, action-packed fantasy story. It was exciting and inventive.

I thought you constructed your scenes very well moving the plot along. Superb!

Great characterization thus far. This is only Chapter one and I get a pretty good idea of Max and his “Moon Spirit” girl. And in the confines of this fantasy realm, it was believable. I think you gave the reader’s enough actions/reactions and mannerisms that helped round you characters out, which mad it easier to care and connect to them. Excellent!

This story has such grand potential but it isn’t without a few errors in the mechanics of writing, grammar and I have a few comments from a stylistic point of view if I may?

First I’d like to mention…when the character is engaging in self-talk, you may want to consider placing the internal thoughts and questions in italics to differentiate between the rest of the narration. For instance, you wrote: She came to him in dreams, although he had no idea how. He wondered,had he known her before the accident, before the void in which everything prior to the accident is just a dark cavern in his mind? Sometimes he feels like he’s thirteen going on two, truncated at eleven, a sixth of a life exploited yet stagnated. As you can see I also changed a few things which can add more drama and life to the overall essence of the sentence. Just thoughts for you to consider! *Wink* There were other instances where you could use italics for internal thoughts…the above was just one example.

“He glanced back at the six stories of depressing poured cement architecture that was Gangren.” The underlined part of this sentence is a bit heavy, that is a mouthful in need of a little refining. Something a little more expressive: a depressing gray cement giant, called Gangren . Or something like that.

“What idiot architect thought that it was a good idea for a place where kids would live. This is a little wordy. Just needs a rewrite to polish so it reads with more ease.


“…he told Max the bad news about what the curt had decided. a bit wordy. Perhaps, He gave Max the bad news decided by the courts. or something to that effect.

Mr, Braun said there was hope but Max felt sure hope was dead by now,buried next to justice. Sometimes it’s best to keep it simple.

In the morning after one of those dreams, it took him several minutes to fully accept that it hadn't been real and that his life actually sucked. as badly as it did. Watch the use of ‘that’ Most of the time it’s not necessary to the sentence. It just can weigh a sentence down. Yes sometimes ‘that’ is necessary. And we tend to rely on it because we use ‘that’ in speech a lot. I also struck out the final few words, because ‘sucked’ is strong enough.

I think you’ve used some wonderful comparisons/metaphors in your story. For example: “Great. All being charming got him here was beaten up and, well - skewers stuck in his thigh. Oh well. He was a mink amongst hyenas, an artist amongst thugs, a -- Wonderful!

I won't hurt you," Max said, sure that other knowing other kids here had probably tried to hit it with something. use the cat as target practice. The cat didn't seem to trust him and it slipped off. Just needs a little refining. “


Max turned back to the moon and closed his eyes, letting himself move just a little towards toward sleep, not enough that he would to fall off the dumpster, but enough that so the world grew weird around him. Strange thoughts flooded in -- a bicycle riding up the side of a building -- a clown dipping his hair in cheese -- flashing white lights and crashing sounds and -- Wait! Wonderful imagery!

Excellent use of action, vivid and rich in excitement during the fight scene in the air!



Watch your adverb use. Too many adverbs are distracting and create a laziness in our writing. Adverbs tell a story rather than show and can weigh sentences down. Most time you can remove the ‘ly’ word without losing anything important in the sentence. But if you replace the adverb with more words, you can add more insight into characterization and conflict or action. Just thoughts for you to consider.

For instance you wrote: Moving surprisingly quickly…. How is it surprisingly quick? Show us with more words…

Boom! The creature shattered into a cloud of dust like a bag of flour exploded by a stick of dynamite This is very creative! But not too believable, it’s best to use metaphors in which we can see the connection. But still, it’s clever!

Overall you have a wonderful beginning. It reads a little like a second or third draft so it does need a little refining and polishing. There is so much to like about this story: excellent action and characterization. Good use of scenes and description. This story has grand potential! It is exciting and the fight scenes was thrilling . Your writing skills are creative and strong with a flair for action and characterization! Superb!

I hope you found this useful!

Please do write on!

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71
71
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Just Bursting *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

And you're a newbie too! Welcome and congratulations for submitting a well written and compelling short story! Serious! I don't know how long you've been writing but I can say, I get the sense you are a seasoned writer who just lacks perhaps,. a little confidence in their ability. *Wink*

Overall, a very exciting story. I thought you captured the essence of the Newscaster and the Guest and the moment very well. You constructed your scene with well thought out action and dialogue. Superb!

Nice use of characterization. The characters actions, reactions and body language helped to round them out and make them believable. Excellent!

I thought your storyline was exciting and compelling. I was waiting for the next move...the next secret to be revealed by the Mr Hung and to see how the correspondent would handle it.

Great job at keeping the reader engaged and on the edge of their seats.

This was well written, just one minor error. Awesome!

Leach swung his chair back in the direction of the Ambassador, leaned down lay his elbows on the glass table in front of him. the end phrase seems to be doing two actions...so it's missing something. Just needs clarifying

And the other observation is to watch your adverb use. Too many are distracting and create a laziness in our writing. Adverbs are useful and even necessary at times, but their over use can weigh a sentence down and don't always make the sentence or the intended meaning more effective. Adverbs tend to tell rather than show. If you replace the adverb even if it's with more words you can add insight into characterization, action, conflict ect.

Of course this is just an observation.

This story shines with the author's passion for writing. Minus the pesky adverbs, this is a first rate story and needs just a little more polish.

I do hope you found this useful.

If I can ever assist you in navigating this site...just send me an email.

Very impressive so far! *Wink*

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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4*Hey There BIG BAD WOLF (feeling sick) *Note4* *Note4*

Greetings! I was meandering through you portfolio and found this item. Back in the day, I was a John Wayne fan and "True Grit" was on of my favs of his so I stopped in for a read.

I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I can certainly see the humor in this parody of a scene from True Grit.

I thought it was clever every time John wanted to say his curse line and some outside influence drowned him out.

Also pretty clever he'd deal with the noise by taking the culprit-that dirty rotten scoundrel (s) out-all I can say is good thing the set wasn't crawling with hundreds of extras, actors and crew members. Good greif. *Shock* John Wayne on a killing spree over a few unheard words.

Now this is a perfect example of ego and arrogance too big for a movie set. And though it was subtle, it seems this is the recurring theme-sometimes you're bigger in your own mind then the line you're trying to say. haha *Bigsmile*

Overall, very well written. Easy action to follow so the plot unfolded with ease. Superb!

I saw no glaring errors in the mechanics of writing or in grammar. Excellent! and I have no comments for suggestions, it is what it is...a good spoof...a bit quirky, a bit raunchy and yet original and inventive. Great comedic timing as well.

I hope you found this useful. Thanks for the laughs.

Write on and then write on some more!

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73
73
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There rpearle *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Oh and also Welcome Newbie! I see you are a newly established writing.com member.

Are you pulling the reader's leg, or in this case, trying to pull the wool over our eyes? haha. it's hard for me believe this is your first short story ever. Wow! and a newbie too? I'm bowing before you right this minute , over and over as I exit to write this review. *Wink**Bigsmile*

This is a simple story yet not simplistic. And the theme could be a metaphor for a humans life as well. So great job with analogy. Superb!

Overall, this was well written. I didn't see one glaring mistake in the mechanics of writing or in grammar. Excellent!

The Hummingbird as a character was well developed. I could almost envision this little Dave flitting about from flower to flower to fine the perfect one! Fantastic job with characterization

It seems you understand the fine balance between description and details. No over use of details weighing heavy on your story. Awesome!

You constructed your scene well which help to move the plot along with great use of action. I thought your story unfolded with ease. superb!

This was a fine example of effective story-writing and utilizing many of the necessary elements effectively. And no adverbs or the over use of superfluous words such as 'that' Yeah. *Wink* ! Excellent!

In fact, your words were present and active, simple yet effective. Write on!

If this is a small sampling of what's to come then Wow!

It seems you are ripe with talent..and this simple little story is an explosion of writing flair...sweet and savory, rich and intoxicating. Bravo! Now bring on the meatier stuff!

If I can halp you navigate the site of answer any questions, please send me an email. I'll do my best. My advice? Get your stories out there to be reviewed and read and review a lot yourself.

Write on and then write on some more!

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Review of Lilies  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Is worried about the water *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! You are receiving this review as part of our Power Reviewers raid. Thanks for placing your story on our Review Me List. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

There is beauty in some of your words... unassuming and then sharp and then soft. This technique helps to create a wonderful aesthetic essence to the overall story.

It's poignant with a great sense of sadness coupled with a profound, steadfast love. You didn't mention names of characters and your characters weren't well developed and yet they didn't need to be because it seems to me the 'theme' of this short story is devotion and love and the sad reality of caring for a spouse or loved one who has, for whatever reason become disabled or diseased. In this sense, the author did a fantastic job of portraying the 'depth of love' Superb!

Nice use of emotion.

Parts of your story were rich and poetic. Excellent!

I did however find a few minor issues. Easy enough to address if you choose.

Out of the ether thick air of the institution, that hung dense and unyielding. This is fragmented, an incomplete sentence.

Before the storm [,]I saw only joy[; ]I heard only the sound of laughter[;] I knew nothing of fear or loneliness [;]I was happy in the sense of essence and being rather than mood or fit. in the previous sentence, numerous run ons...in between the brackets I placed with a comma or a semi-colon.

When all was done[,] the leaden hours comma after 'done' for pause

There is a sweetness to your story. A grieving essence layered with a powerful depth of love and perhaps even a glimmer of hope as he remembers how it use to be...there is beauty in some of your words and overall a bit of magic because it defines 'life' and joy and love even if 'life' hasn't been that good and even if our loved ones have been afflicted.

This short story has great potential and shines like a gem but with a little more polish, it can shine a bit brighter and be all it promise to be.

Thanks for sharing. I do hope you found this useful

Write on and then write on some more!

Kjo just groovin

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75
75
Review of Jamie's Rain  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Oceanflowers *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! You are receiving this review as part of the Power Reviewers Raid. Thanks you for putting your story on our Review Me list. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What I liked most about the story is how effortless it appeared to be written. It flowed with such ease, every word with purpose and power. Superb!

Your characterization was masterful I felt I knew these people, as if they were friends, family or neighbors. Your characterization was strong, I could sense the fear anger, betrayal, frustration and Sarah's weariness. Excellent use of emotion

Each scene was expertly constructed to move the plot along. This was a beautiful story, gut-wrenching, sad and real. Fantastic!

I felt the author did an amazing job of 'showing' us Sarah and Jack's story rather then just telling us. There is nothing that brings a story to life more than 'showing' because it gives the theme and plot an edge of realness...allowing the reader';s to care and connect to the characters as they overcome their conflicts and battles. I thought this was profound and compelling.

I think you captured the essence of this story...gave the reader the reality of Sarah's situation and did it was flair and emotion and creativity. bravo!

Your story is an wonderful example of utilizing all the elements of effective story writing.

I saw nothing in the area of grammar or in the mechanics of writing that I could suggest changing. Superb!

My only comment is to watch your adverb use. Too many distract from the story and can, if were not careful, create a laziness in our writing. But, your story was far from this issue because for the most part , your chosen words had a purpose making your sentences effective and powerful.

This story is so old and yet so new, and this is a compliment to the author. It could be any woman's story, any where in the world...from days gone by, to now and in to the future. Awesome job!

overall this story was written from an author who knows the subtle difference between details and descriptions. {c;blue}This story was rich in substance, satisfying in it's delivery and poignant.

Thanks for sharing your talent.

Write on and then write on some more!

Kjo just groovin

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