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76
76
Review of Sold  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Africangirl *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! in truth, I rode the back of a previous reviewer who said some great things about your story so here I am with my review. I hope you find your comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What struck me about this story is the perspective...you shock us with Srey's story from her perspective and then dare us to consider it all with the narrator's rhetorical questions. I found this to be an effective and powerful tool.

In substance, this is a 'brutal exposition' on human trafficking. It's horryfying, deplorable and yet it continues as if it's an acceptable trade, when in fact
it's dehumanizing and baneful.

The World nation turns a blind eye...it sickens us and yet we wonder what could 'one' person do to stop the madness, how could little me make a difference. or it's sort of like "out-of-sight-out-of-mind. If it doesn't affect us personally, it doesn't exist.

How ignorant we are!
You wrote with a lot of emotion which made your story seem so real.
I think you constructed your scene well. It created this disturbing vision…of this young woman child, frightened, scared and forced to sit and smile pretty for the ‘master’ so he can sell her fresh. Very disturbing and gut-wrenching…stabbing the reader in the heart with a does of reality.


For such a short story you did well with characterization. I think if the story was longer, it may have drained the reader or pained us more. Excellent!

I didn’t see any glaring mistakes in grammar or in the mechanics of writing. Personally, I think the story is powerful enough without the narrator’s Rhetorical questions at the end. But this is just my one opinion. I think your writing show great depth of emotion with a flair for ‘realism and authenticity’ Which helps the reader connect to the story, it’s characters, the theme and plot.

I do hope this has been useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

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77
77
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* hey There B. A. Crofts *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I've always found it difficult to take excerpts from a full length short story or novella and make another story out of it or submit for reviews just to get an idea of whether the shorter version can stand alone. Some how, there seems to be some missing pieces vital to the reader so they can understand theme, plot, conflict and characterization. It's not always easy to pull of.

On the other hand, there is a compelling edge to this short version...one that encourages me to wonder what was left out...why did you choose this portion. What are we to surmise about this scene; what does the writer want us to learn or know? There creates mystery and mystery can be satisfying.

There is a lovely use of some word choices helping to create this illusion of mystery; just as there is a overall pleasing aesthetic quality in the tone. You've done well with the setting, helping the reader to envision this space...the ravine the trees, ect. it seems you do understand the fine line between details and descriptions. Details weigh the story down, descriptions help to bring it to life. *Wink*

Overall, the writing is good...as if there is this deep, resounding voice sharing the story around a crackling fire. This is good. And yet, I also sense...something simmering within...something which could be simple like conflict or as confounding as the loss of hope. And this is where I had a little difficulty and which leads me back to my earlier statement..it seems incomplete to me...this portion, as if something bigger and more profound is missing...some vital element to the whole of the story.

Instead of feeling satisfied...I was left a bit disappointed because it seems the reader is being toyed with to some degree.

As far as the mechanics of writing and grammar there were a few very minor issues which are easy to address. For instance

Above[,] the wispy clouds marbled the vault of the sky. it seems there's a need for a pause after 'above'

He walked away from the ravine allowing his eyes to swallow the unbound formless interaction of perspective and color that floated around him. This sentence seems a little wordy and may flow with more ease with a small rewrite. H walked away from the ravine allowing his eyes to swallow the unbound formless interaction of perspective and color floating around him. Just changing floated to floating helps to make the sentence more balanced and symmetrical.


whistling a soft medley of easy whistling standards here there is a little repetition. with 'whistling

I also wanted to comment on formatting. I think it would help to make your story look more polished and professional with more spaces between the paragraphs.

As a whole, I enjoyed the 'essence and substance' of the story. I felt your writing shows wonderful flair and promise, and the story holds lots of mystery. Superb!

There seems to be pieces missing which unnerved me a little but the way you use some your words almost helped me to overlook the inconsistencies and the bit of disappointment. perhaps this is more of my problem rather then yours.

In any event, it was a pleasure.

I do hope you found this useful

Write on and then write on some more!

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78
78
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There LoveVMC *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.


Because of your story's 'greater meaning' and spiritual significance, it is profound in a 'philosophical sense. I thought the supplications helped to give depth, and believability to your storyline/subject. excellent!

There is a richness and poetic essence to the use of some of your words. Superb! Which I found soothing and pleasing as I read.

I do think this is a 'work in progress' which has the ability to shine like the gem it promises to be, but I must say, and with honest intent, it was almost too ambiguous and vague. It's bit so 'out there' it was hard for me to conceptualize what you were trying to say.

It's as if the author was trying to be clever in the delivery and yet it ended up being obscure. I had a a wonderful teacher who once told me "If you think it's clever, it probably isn't" This has been a rule for me to write with since my college days. It helps to keep me grounded. The point is, sometimes, it's more effective to keep it simple. *Wink*

The concept is great, some of the elements of your story writing were rich, poetic, lovely and yet I had to read each paragraph a few times to grasp the meaning. Perhaps it's all just over my ability to understand (which is a possibility) *Wink*

I grasped the theme, the perspective of death from someone who has died. I do think this is 'clever' in 'essence' and it's great to utilze such theatrical aesthics when writing and they can be quite effective. In pratice, there is a difference between a cleverness which comes from the natural creative flow of story's plot unfolding to a 'cleverness that is intentially designed to thwart, confuse, surprise or confound a reader, so instead of the reader saying wow, that was enlightening or powerful, they're left wondering what it all means. Does that make sense?

I do think, in this sense, your story lacks focus. The theme needs more supporting elements. In other words, you write: That was the first time I had tried to explain to anyone how I—in my golden years—had changed. For me, I was left wondering, how the character changed. It seems to be missing bits and peices...fragments of evidence to support the theme of the story. And because there wasn't a defined plot, it read a bit more like 'self-talk' or 'thoughts'...a conversation with self...ect.

There were a few minor errors as far as grammar and the mechanics of writing. Just small stuff but they do interrupt the flow of the story.

I told another friend the story of what happened, just as I will, in a moment, tell you. That was the first time I had tried to explain to anyone how I—in my golden years—had changed. At the end of telling, I found my dulled self fallen into this maze lost in a gaze, staring at very wide open Betty Davis eyes.
In the above sentence try rewriting without 'had' which can oft times be eliminated from a sentence without losing any meaning. And it's best not to begin a sentence with 'that' its so vague. Perhaps: I told a friend this story, just as I am going to tell you. I recall feeling nervous because i'd never shared how I, in my golden years changed. Of course, just thoughts for you to consider. Nut what happens here by removing some words and ad dings some characterization, the story and the character becomes more alive, more believable.


Because change in me is so embarrassing[,] I am telling it just to you dear friend.
On my wobbly knees[,] I begged with trembling prayerful hands for forgiveness that day.
This one particular day[,] I took On the above three excerpts, I added commas between the brackets. I sensed a need for pause.

My understanding had always been that there could be only one meaning for the setting sun. again, try removing those superfluous words such as that and had which can weigh sentences down. Perhaps: My understanding is there can only be one meaning for the setting sun. Or My understand has always been there is only one meaning... . ect.



Ever since that day [,]I valued a passion, a smile, which has ever since been bound to discovery that had happened twice. I just found this second part of the sentence awkward and wordy. Try and keep it simple, active and ask yourself, what are you trying to say and then use as little words as necessary to say it. *Wink*

There were other other needing a little attention. Nothing major and it's all part of the process of writing.

As I mentioned, there is some beautiful use of language. There is this soothing, rich and poetic essence or aesthetic quality to your story. I think the point-of-view/perspective is 'clever' in a positive way. And there is substance here that makes for excellent story writing but your story does need some refining and polishing. Watch those adverbs too. Adding an 'ly' on the end of a word doesn't make the word more effective. In fact, you can add insight into characterization and action and conflict by removing the adverb and adding more words in it's place that will 'show' the reader rather than tell.

Showing us the story is always preferred when possible. You can show by reducing the adverbs, Increasing the characterization, adding action, giving us mannerisms and body language and dialogue that helps us understand the character and their conflicts. The reader needs to see the story unfold rather than being told the story is unfolding. *Wink*

There are many fine elements here it just needs a little more work.

I do hope this has been useful and I hope it was taken in the spirit for which it was intended.

I was moved by much of your story...your writing skills are strong, solid and you do understand the importance of 'aesthics' which helps the reader be 'connected in some realm be it spiritually, emotionally, philosophically ect and that's a compliment!

Thanks for sharing

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79
79
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Note4*{e:note4 Hey There WordNerd *Note4*{e:note4}

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page so I stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

It's a huge compliment to you as a writer when a reader can say they thoroughly enjoyed your story. It was near perfect in execution (the mechanics of writing and grammar); there was humor and wit and, overall, just a pleasure to read. Excellent!

I thought you captured the essence of this moment in time...the irony of how small the world really is as well as the anticipation of the of Steve's arrival.
bravo!

You wrote with a lot of emotion and passion. I could sense the variety of 'feelings' Alan experienced. Superb!

The only comments I have are small and almost insignificant to the story as a whole, but I thought you may want to know my thoughts.

Growing up at the monastery, we often had the opportunity to meet the nuns' family members who came to visit on occasion. something about this sentence reads awkward to me. Perhaps if you were to change it around a bit? Growing up in the monastery, we often had the opportunity to meet the nun's family members who on occasion, came to visit. ? Or maybe this is one instance where an adverb would be ok? Growing up in the monastery, we often had the opportunity to meet the nuns' family members who occasionally came to visit. just a thought to ponder


told me that she had met Sister Antonio's great nephew, who was in a band. oft times we can weigh our sentences down with those superfluous words such as 'had' and that'. Oft times they are useful and necessary, more times than not, we can remove them with ease from our sentences without losing any meaning. ....told me she'd met Sister Antonio's great nephew who was in a band. " again, just a thought to consider.

They are small and in no way impact your story in a negative way. But as writer's we are always searching for ways to improve our story. At least I am. *Wink* Some of my stories, I've been editing and rewriting for over fifteen years. And still, they could probably use some change.

Overall, this was a joy to read. I got a little smile. I felt the emotion and the passion of the moment. I think you captured the essence of a young kid being star-struck and the irony of having such a 'rock star' be the family member of someone you know so well. I thought you executed the story very well and your writing skills are strong and solid with a nice measure of humor. masterful!

Wow, and too think you are a newbie...just born in to writing.com this month! Wow...Welcome newbie. if this story is an sample of your skills, thing I can say, I look forward to visiting your port again.

If I can help you navigate the site in any way...just send me an email.

hope this was useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

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80
80
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Daniel Harris Blacke *Note4**Note4*




Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader’s perspective.


In your story you used the word ‘captivated’ I’m going to use this same word to describe my response to your story. I was indeed, ‘captivated’ by Daniel’s story.


This was compelling and tragic. Your writing is seasoned and the story itself was ‘gut-wrenching’. The amount of emotion in which you wrote was impressive, digging down deep in me as a reader and horrifying me as I read Daniel’s story.

Your story is an excellent example of masterful story writing… not ‘telling” the story but showing us Daniel’s pain, enduring a life that most of us can’t even imagine. I was touched and horrified, discusted and absorbed in his story and as a character. Superb!

I do have a couple of comments if I may.


In those days I clung tightly to the only things that ever stayed constant you may want to add a comma after ‘days’ It seems to need a pause.

I was finally aloud out of the my room aloud should be allowed

And then I’d like to make a comment about adverbs. They are pesky little words and can make us lazy in our writing. I was impressed because your writing isn’t excessive with them. They tend to tell a story more than the ‘show ‘ and don’t offer much insight into conflict or characterization. Oft times you can remove them from your story without losing anything. I’m mentioning them because there was one paragraph in particular where you used an adverb five times, which is a bit excessive for one paragraph. Adding ‘ly’ to the end of a word doesn’t make the sentence more effective, in fact, it tends to be a bit distracting. Below is the paragraph in question. I’m not marking you off, because this story was otherwise well written with solid writing and otherwise, well chosen proud word choices. Removing the adverb or adding more words which will give more description (not details) will increase the effectiveness and add more insight. You’re almost there, this story is near perfect!



There was no way my mother could continue to live in this small town after that. Everyone who lived there knew that she was "Cuckoo for CoCoPuffs" and most who were not outcasts themselves kept their distance from her afterward. Even, my very best friends wouldn't talk to me once I was finally aloud out of the my room. They all just looked at me glumly, then tried to avoid me. I remember a kid trying to tease me and call me "Fire Bug". His mother quickly and quietly scolded him, then marched him away by an up stretched arm. It was decided that we must now leave all these people and all these ties that everyone had been making and plans and school and literally everything that didn't fit in the car they bought to drive back home to Jersey.


I must say, I enjoyed your story. It was brilliant in many ways. Your well constructed scenes allowed the plot to unfold with ease and the amount of emotion helped the reader to connect to your character.

This was tragic and yet compelling.

I do hope you found this useful

Write on and then write on some more

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81
81
Review of THE SOCIALITE  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There ashoo *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story listed under the "Read Something" tab for comedy so I stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I was taken back a little because I guess I was suspecting a story laced with a little humor, something with a little flavor of comedy...but this story was a little more on the 'tragic" side. This isn't a bad thing, of course!, just not what I was expecting. *Wink* I think you have an intriguing story here because it does raise some questions. Why do we elevate an individual to such high esteem, making them star-like, nearly unreachable? So your theme does
raise some valuable questions. This, then is thought-provoking.

It is sad as well, or tragic because the 'fans' look only to the surface...and it's so shallow. We see this image and assume 'stars' are 'above' and beyond reproach, untouchable and perfect. When in fact, all celebrities are just mere humans like us all. So there is Irony to you story. Well done with weaving in the 'wit" and the 'loud statement' that we are aren't always what we appear to be. It seems your Madame Gigi was a fake, a phony, wearing a few too many masks...therefore the back story if you will, was somber and a bit tragic.

I do have a couple of comments on the 'mechanics of writing' and 'grammar' if I may?

Colours that compliment her ruddy skin. Styles that hid her gargantuan hips. Hair stylist that made her look like Medusa when in fact she was almost bald. I n the preceding sentence it seems a bit awkward to me...as if it's incomplete. You may want want to add "Her hair stylist, or even 'a hairstylist." Also, I wanted to meantion the use of ' that' Of times 'that' can be removed without losing any meaning in the sentence. The overuse of 'that' can in fact, weigh our sentences down. If you read them out loud without the 'that' in some cases you can hear how more polished and refined the sentence can be. of course this isn't always the case, but you can always replace 'that' with 'which'. For instance: "Colours which compliment her ruddy skin and styles which hid her gargantuan hips, and she could give props to her hair stylist who made her look like Medusa even though she was almost bald. Well, I'm sure you get my point. *Wink*


Food and alcohol only from the best caterers in town. Music and flower arrangements taken care of by the priciest event management company in the city. The previous phrases seem to be missing the verb or action which makes them incomplete or fragments.

"Is it too late Jimmy" said asked her driver once inside the car. just one too many word here.

The envy of every woman, yes. fragmented

A few misspellings: Manhatten should be Manhattan demeanour should be demeanor papparazzi should be paparazzi. (forgive me if you are translatting-perhaps this is the spelling in language other than English, so I'm not marking you off for these.) *Wink*

Though you may not expected your story to be a 'brutal exposition' about how 'fans' elevate celebrities to the 'status of near God-like' this is in fact, what I see as the main theme here, and for that, I say Superb!

I can apprecaite the bitter wit of your story and it's irony. You are saying something profound even though it's subtle. Excellent

However, I'm not sure I believe, Ms Madam Gigi could be a 'destitute' as your ending suggests. After all, it'd just been mentioned earlier, several times, how the paparazzi followed her every move? How then, could they not know? For this reason, the story as a whole fell short for me.

But it's so fixable if you choose. Believability is vital to the success of a character. I think this story has grand potential. You're on the right track, it just needs a little polishing and refining.

I do hope this has been useful. Please do write on!

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82
82
Review of Pitch and catch  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There resh *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Resh, this is a great story! Well written and enjoyable.

I think you captured the essence of these young rambunctious boys. I like how you began the story remembering the first time you met Bobby and then showed the reader's your first encounter. You did an excellent job with description and details, not too many just enough so the reader's could envision this moment in the kitchen. Superb!

I think you captured the voice of this young boy...all his curiosity and his thoughts. Excellent!

There was an ease about your story as it unfolded. Every word effective and engaging

I saw no errors in the area of mechanics of writing or grammar that stuck out and I have no suggestions for improvement. Overall, an enjoyable read.
I especially liked the fact, your young character was more curious than he was bothered by Bobby's circumstances. No Judgments! Fantastic!

Well I do hope you found this useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

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83
83
Review of Back on the Bike  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Steel Metro *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful, please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

At first, I was bothered by the language, but the more I read, the more It flowed for me. I think you did a fantastic job of capturing the essence of your character's voice. Superb!

I believed your character and I believed it when he said nothing was more important to him than riding his bike. Great job with creating believability in your character and in emotion.

Overall, this was a good story. I did have a little issue with the formatting and you could do a proofreading for punctuation. But this are easy to address if you choose.

First, the mountain of text is a bit distracting and a bit daunting. Perhaps you may want to consider placing spaces between your paragraph. Not only will this help with the flow of the story, but it's also easier on the reader's eyes and makes the story look more polished.

Also, there were a number of ares that could benefit from punctuation. Punctuation is a necessary tool to help with the flow of your story giving pause and emphasis where needed Such as : When I was a kid I wanted to be a trash man or an astronaut comma after 'kid"
Or When he leaves for work he looks like someone told him to eat a hundred lima beans. comma after 'work' those are just a couple of examples but the entire story could benefit from some additional punctuation . Of course, these are just thoughts to consider.

I think you're off to a great start here. Nice use of emotion and point-of-view, of capturing the essence of the kids, their thoughts and actions. I think your story has great potential and promise, it just needs a little polishing and refining.

I do hope this has been useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

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84
84
Review of The King  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

*Note4**Note4* Hey There COJay *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my Comments Helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.


Overall, a great story. You captured my interest and managed to maintain my interest thought out the story. Superb!

You did a great job of constructing your scenes and I found my self connecting to your character, to his passion for the sport and his love for his family.
Excellent!

For first person narrative, you managed to engage the reader in "The King's Life". This is not always easy to do because first person narratives can 'tell' a story more than they show' I thought you 'showed' us by utilizing action effectively. fantastic!

This was a pretty smooth read, minus a few technical errors which are easy enough to edit. So, I have a few comments if I may?


But that is tonight, and this is now. And right now, I am running in the cold morning air, under the cover of a sky not yet bright with the first rays of the sun. On an old road that shadows the Appalachian Mountains on one side, and a guard rail that prevents cars and people from falling over the ledge on the other side. The sentence I have underlined is fragmented. You may want to remove the period before 'on' and connect it to the previous sentence.


After breakfast, we had said our goodbyes and I made started to drive to my Gym. Just a little confusion where I underlined. Seems to need clarifying

He was yells it, and I still have trouble hearing him. Again, just a little clarification needed.

That's it! This was otherwise well written, and overall, a compelling read.

I thought the plot unfolded with ease and your word choices were effective with no wordiness and Bravo! because there were few to none adverbs which can be pesky . Write on!

Well I do hope you found this helpful. Slight mark off for the few technical errors, but otherwise, Well Done!

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85
85
Review of Tears from Heaven  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Morgan Adam *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.




Overall, you have a good story here. I thought you wrote it with a lot of emotion and passion. Your story has wonderful potential and promise and your writing is creative and full of energy. Superb!

Your story was well written as far as the mechanics of writing and grammar. Jut one little area of confusion. Excellent!
Where I had some issues with were all the adverbs. My goodness. *Wink* They were very distracting and made it difficult for me to appreciate the story as a whole and this is the only reason why I rated it so low. Below are my comments and observations. I hope they are taken in the spirit for which they are intended.

The one and biggest observations I have of your story is the heavy reliance on adverbs. In all honesty, for such a short story, this is the most adverbs I’ve seen and they were so distracting. So much so, I had a difficult time enjoy what was otherwise a wonderful story. Adverbs are useful and oft times, even necessary. Too many are not just distracting, but they are limiting. They create a ‘Laziness” in our writing and tend to “Tell” the reader’s rather than “Show” and showing is always more effective.
I copied most of them, though some you used more than once or twice: loudly, politely,obviously,barely,briefly,effectively,rhythmically,automatically, repeatedly, obnoxiously, dazedly, strangely, relentlessly, alternately, separately, insistently, steadily, stubbornly, accusingly, frantically, deliberately, methodically, bizarrely, frantically, periodically, inappropriately, inexorably, instinctively, immediately, simply, abruptly, tightly, unconsciously, quickly, painfully

To be frank, wow, that’s a lot of adverbs. Ask yourself, how do the adverbs improve the sentence? Most times you can omit the adverb without losing anything from the sentence. If you remove the adverb and add more words in its place you can add insight into conflict, dialogue, characterization ect. Adverbs limit our writing and distract the reader; Just thoughts for you to consider. In some of your sentences, you used three or more. For example: take the following sentence I copied from your story:
“Gillian barely paid attention as he stalked away. The light drizzle that had started to fall dotted her windshield, effectively stealing her visibility before she automatically turned on the wipers. They moved rhythmically back and forth, briefly pulling the scene into focus before the rain blocked it out again.” Try removing them all and then try rewriting the sentences using more words which will add characterization and action. Gillian paid little attention as he stalked away, yet her eyes were filled with concern. The light drizzle dotted her windshield forcing her to squint before flipping on the wipers; their rhythmic movement mesmerized her for a brief moment, bringing the scene into focus before blocking it once again. Can you sense a difference? Do you feel the sentence is a little more polished and less distracting? You may not like my rewrite but I’m sure you get my point.

She shook her head as, impatient, she pulled out her phone. I found this sentence to be a little ambiguous and confusing. I’m not sure what you are saying. Just a little clarification needed.


As I mentioned this has promise. I liked the storyline and you wrote with a lot of emotion and passion. I think this can shine like the gem it is but needs refining and polishing. Rethink some of those adverbs so your story is more about showing rather then telling us about an event or conflict. Your dialogue was effective and believable. Your character needs some depth.

I do hope this has been useful

Write on and then write on some more

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86
86
Review of One Giant Leap  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Beryl Greene *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the request a Review page and stopped in for a read. Your title piqued my interest. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Overall, a well written and thought-provoking sci-fi mystery. Though of course this is all speculation, I found it believable and even possible. I thought the introduction to some of the crew in this first chapter, were authentic and played their specific role with commanding effort. Superb!

I thought the storyline was intriguing.

You did a fantastic job with the overall construction of your sentences...a nice balance of complex and simple sentences which help your story unfold with ease. Excellent!

You did a great job of constructing your action scenes,though the action was minimal in this intro, it was effective. This 'relocation' effort is a great idea for a story and I think you've executed it with effectiveness.

I do have a few small observations if I may? Most in the 'mechanics of writing ' with formatting and punctuation.

By design[,] the military personnel were awoken upon landing while all other cryo-tubes were kept on stand-by. comma after 'design'

This way[,] if an unforeseen emergency departure was required for any reason, comma after way.

the 50 decks filling the ships’ vast interior, 35, over half were done this way. Perhaps all numbers under one hundred should be written out...so, 35 become thirty-five?

The top 15 decks were left in operating order to maintain the multitude of systems needed to keep the ship running. The top fifteen decks...

When the process was finished[,] the ship had taken on a different look altogether. comma after finished.

Other then the above few technical issues, this was well written and you've showcased solid and creative writing skills. The only issue with grammar I'd like to comment on is the heavy reliance on adverbs. it's not wrong, of course, to use adverbs. Oft times they are handy and even necessary. But it's best to limit their use., They tend to 'distract' the reader and they tend to create a laziness in our writing because they 'tell' the story more than they 'show' and Showing is always preferred when possible. You used some more than once but here are some of the adverbs I pulled from your story: simply, possibly, essentially, absolutely, primarily, properly, truly, thoroughly, overly... .

Oft times if you remove the one adverb, you don't lose any meaning in the sentence. If you use more words to replace the adverb, you can add insight into characterization or conflict and it adds more interest and life to your sentences. anyway, just thoughts for you to ponder

In substance, excellent theme and well executed. The biggest hurdle with sci-fi mystery, is making the story believable and authenticating...you've done that very well Superb!

I marked you off, not so much for the very minor technical issues, but for the most part, the adverbs which I found to be 'distracting' and "limiting".

Nice use of dialogue and setting. I could envision this strange new world of possibilities.

I do hope this has been useful and I hope this was taken in the spirit for which it was given.

Write on and then write on some more!

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Review of Patchwork  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey Ther HaliN *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions int he spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Nice title!

You're off to a pretty darn good start here. I got a great sense of Kieran's distress and pain. Superb! job with emotion.

For such a short introduction, I get a good sense of your main character and his friend, Danny. Great start with characterization.

It's easy to care about Kieran, he seems so vulnerable and his pain seems real.

You did more than a respectable job with dialogue. It was believable to me as a reader! Awesome!

I do have a few minor suggestions if I may?

You may want to consider some of the heaviness of your sentences with the over use of 'had'. Of course had is necessary and useful and a good example of proper use is in this sentence I copied from your story: " He’d realized he had to stop waiting for her to come back. though I would rewrite this to omit 'he'd' and just write as follows: He realized he had to stop waiting for her to come back *Wink* Sometimes it's more effective to keep it simple.

Take a look at some of the following sentences with the use of had. I struck them out, if you read them, especially out loud, can you hear how removing them could be beneficial?

Lena’s grandmother had started it and, after she died, Lena made it her project to finish it. Recently, he and Lena had started working on it together, each of them adding pieces of themselves into it. not always necessary to state the obvious. Or, if you want to keep the words...choose something more descriptive that 'it' ?

His fingers dug into the soft mattress, clutching at it as if it would give an explanation for why his fiance had just left without a word.

He’d only gone out on New Year’s Eve because Danny had made him. Lena had never responded to his e-mail. He’d stopped expecting her to. Of course, just thoughts to consider. But the suggestions could refine and polish your sentences a bit more.

The tears came upon him like a tsunami wave. This'like' is a bit unrealistic to me...and a bit over-drmamtic. Perhaps try something more believable for the reader's to envision. ?

I think you're off to a great start as I mentioned above. Nice use of dialogue and emotion. It seems it'll be easy to care and connect to Korean and his internal conflict. And you have created some intrigue and some mystery with the finance who seemed to just disappear. Superb!

Thanks for sharing and I do hope you found this some what beneficial.

Write on and then write on some more!

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Review of Kind Words  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Britt *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story {review:#######}on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of a sharing one reader's perspective.

Your story is original and engaging. It was easy to read. For the most part your sentences and the plot unfolded with ease. Though it was simple in its theme and its substance, it was well written and sweet.

I got a good sense of your character, Michelle and even Tony because of the Michelle’s thoughts, his absence and his selfish ways (demands), so great job with characterization for such a super-short story. Superb!

I thought you constructed your scenes well and I believed in your character and her conflict. She was easy to care about and connect too Excellent!

The only observation I have is the opening paragraph, which in itself is good, I just have a comment on perhaps making it more active and direct. You wrote
Michelle sighed as she pushed the door open. Work had been rough but she wasn’t ready to go home. The scent of espresso beans and fresh brewed coffee mingled with those of new books and customer’s perfumes. She inhaled deeply and bought her usual caramel latte. The bookstore had always been her haven but this was especially true now that she knew no one in town.
Perhaps: Michelle pushed the door open sighing with relief. It had been a rough day, thank goodness it was over. Now she could relax in the confines of the bookstore. Espresso beans mixed with fresh brewing coffee delighted her nose. She inhaled the tantalizing smell of hardbound and paperback books sprinkled with customer’s perfumes. She breathed in through her nose allowing all the aroma’s to soothe her before breathing out. She ordered her usual caramel latte… .” {/c” Well I think you get my point. It just makes the opening livelier and more colorful because it revels more of the character. Of course just a thought to consider. *Wink*

Otherwise, you’ve got a wonderful story here. I like the fact…that one choice, as simple as it may have seen at the time, had a huge Impact on someone’s life. This is a fantastic moral to the story!
I also like the fact you allowed the reader’s to surmise some of the story and especially the ending on their own with just a sense of Possibility. {c;blue} fantastic!

Thank you for sharing this endearing story. I hope my comments have been helpful.

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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Wes Bridges *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story Invalid Review listed on the Request a Review page and the title and byline piqued my curiosity so I stopped in for aread. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perpespective.



This is an intriguing story and thought-provoking. I thought you constructed your scenes with purposeful intent, choosing effective words to move the plot along.

Your characters were both surprising and confounding. You gave the reader’s surface characterization to some degree and yet teased us with their death defying acts for hopes of learning their purpose on earth…at least Malakai.

This was indeed a game of ‘Russian roulette’, a titillating romp in ‘how to defy death’ to be so sure it isn’t ‘your time’ and just relent to the experience…a test. It was both compelling and stupid. But these are boys…or men, I’m not surprised. *Wink* There ages weren’t disclosed and I thought this was a clever choice of the author.

There was great action and excellent use of dialogue. Superb!

Overall this was well written, say for the over use of adverbs which I will go into a little more detail soon. I thought most every word was well chose, active and effective. Excellent!

I thought you utilized the many elements of effective story writing with cleverness and intelligence. Your writing is solid and strong.



I do have a couple of observations if I may?

Dawn light had cracked the sky open when Malakai looked up In this phrase, it seems it might be better to say “Dawn’s Light”? just a thought


And as I mentioned, here are some of the adverbs I copied from your story. It’s best to keep adverbs at a minimum. They are useful but for the most part they create laziness in our writing. We rely on them in part because we think using one adverb to modify a specific word will make that word more descriptive, when in fact, it doesn’t make our sentences more effective. In fact, adverbs tend to weigh a sentence down and they don’t give insight into characterization, conflict, dialogue. They tend to ‘tell’ a story more than they ‘show’ and showing is always preferred. You can omit the adverb without losing anything in a sentence. But if you use more than one word in its place you can add more color and life and drama to a sentence. Just thoughts for you to consider. Adverbs aren’t wrong; it’s just a styling choice. Here are some of the one’s I found in my read. Some you used two or three times. simultaneously, lazily, heavily, assuredly, fluidly, awkwardly, slowly, periodically, seemingly, honestly, actually, anxiously, momentarily, probably

The only other thought I had was just a little disappointment. I was trying to surmise the conflict here that Malakai needed to overcome, this lead to a little confusion as a reader. Was the conflict a test to see if he could beat the death wish or was it just a need within him to see if he had the courage to go through it? I think the subtle supplications in your story were pertinent to where Malakai is in his life…at that stage of questioning his purpose.

Overall a thought-provoking and compelling story. I gave you *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star* ‘s in spite of the adverbs because I felt this was an original story, inventive, compelling and thought-provoking.

I hope you found this useful

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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Winnie *Note4* *Note4*

Greetings Winnie and Congrats on having your story featured in this week's "Short Story Newsletter" I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestion in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

As I mentioned earlier, I wanted to review your featured stories, so here I am. I recall you mentioning this story to me, so I'm glad I got the opportunity to read and review.

Winnie this is a lovely story, heartfelt, full of emotion and poignant.

The scene as it unfolded, was simple yet believable, sorrowful and yet joyous. This has world-wide appeal. It could be any one's mother across the universe. it was real and the writing was solid and strong.

Superb!

I do have a couple of small observations Winnie, you may want to consider which could polish the story even more and tighten up those senteces.

"You wrote: "Wilma’s grandmother had died forty two years ago, but she responded to her mother, as the doctors had instructed her." I think if you considered removing one or both of the 'had's the sentence would read with more ease. such as: Wilma's grandmother died forty two years ago, but she responded to her mother as the doctor's instructed. " Do you sense any difference?

The other observation I have is just a little repetition in the following: You wrote: "Wilma stepped into the tiny bathroom, next to the closet, and retrieved a hairbrush laying on a shelf under the wall-mounted mirror. She glanced up into the mirror and saw fear in her eyes; fear and anger. Wilma shouted at the mirror. As you well know, repetition can be a very useful tool in writing. Here, I think it takes away from power of the Wilma's moment. Maybe:
Wilma stepped into the tiny bathroom and pickup the hairbrush lying on the shelf under the wall mounted mirror. She gazed up at her image and saw fear and anger staring back. She shouted at her image..." Well it's your decision, just my opinion.

As for the use of 'that' again, useful but often over used. We tend to write the way we speak, which is awesome, but it also means using a lot of 'that's which weigh our sentences down. You wrote: Wilma noticed that something was different. She stopped and looked into the clear, focused eyes of the mother she once knew. Her face was free of confusion, as the frown lines that usually creased her forehead disappeared As an alternative, you could write: Wilma noticed something was different. She stopped and looked into the clear ,focused eyes of the mother she once knew. Her face was free of confusion and the frown lines which creased her forehead had disappeared.

Winnie, this is a fine story. Otherwise well written, poignant, memorable and real. There is great appeal to this story because the subject/theme is universal, old and new and always pertinent. Outstanding!

Your writing is strong and solid. You wrote with a lot of emotion which helped the reader care and connect to the character and the situation. Excellent!

I love the glimmer of hope and the subtle yet profound supplications in this story Superb!

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star* Five stars for you Ms Winnie! I believe its worthy because this is a fine example of where you came from just days ago it seems. And the few little suggestions I made were NOT incorrect. They are just 'styling' choices.

Hope you found this useful.

Thanks for sharing

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Review of You Did What ??  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Winnie *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I found your story highlighted in this week’s Drama’s Newsletter. Excellent! That’s so Cool. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader’s perspective.
Haha…pretty funny story and well written. It was easy to follow and I loved the fact you didn’t spell the mistake out and left it for the reader’s to surmise.

I’m a little slow. *Shock* so I had to read it a couple of times before I figured it out. Dah. *Wink**Bigsmile*

This was a believable scenario about the mistake…and humorous. You have great comic timing in your writing. I like how you take it slow, allow the conflict to build…simmering underneath a bit and then the punch line left for the reader’s to think about. Very Smart. Superb!

Winnie, you’ve grown so much and are coming in to your own. I see a talented writer submerging. It’s Awesome.

The only observation I have about this short-short, is watch your adverb use. They can be pesky and don’t add much substance to the meaning of the sentence. Of course, sometimes they are necessary and useful, but in most cases we can remove them from the sentences without losing any of the meaning..

Overall. Well Done! You continue to impress me. *Wink*

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Review of November Curtains  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey ThereFairport *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a review and stopped in for a read. I found your title to be intriguing. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

One of the elements I liked about your story is how calculating the writing was which magnified the calculating personalities of your characters. Your characters were arrogant, distant and aloof. In addition, the story as a whole was lacking emotion...I suspect, this was intended to substantiate the clinical elements of the character's profession as well as the detached emotions in the tone of the story

I thought you constructed your scenes with masterful intent, choosing most of your words with wise discernment, so most every word reinforced the intended meaning, making the senteces flow with ease as the plot unfolded. Superb!

You seem to know the difference between description and details. Excellent use of words to describe the setting , events and conflict. The imagery was masterful. Excellent!

I do have a few suggestions if I may?

Their evil song, propelled by a dark furry, sought to devour the doctor’s fragile sanity Just a little typo? Do you mean fury?

Next I want to comment on the heavy reliance on adverbs and less important, the use of 'that' which can weigh our sentences down. There are quite a number of adverbs in this story. It's best to limit them to a minimal. Yes, of course, they are oft times necessary and useful, but most of the time, we use them out of habit. The result is a sort of laziness in our writing, and they weaken our sentences. More times than not, you can remove an adverb without losing anything important to the sentence. Some you used three of four times but I took inventory only because, if we see them piled together, we then realize how much we relied on them in our stories. So here they are: eventually, essentially, instantly, consequently , directly, intently, ferociously, instinctively, rapidly, silently, slowly, suddenly, directly, normally, quickly, gently, remarkably, specifically, nervously, unusually, completely, highly, discreetly, constantly, sadly, desperately, vicariously, frantically, approximately, immediately, commonly. Whew! And I didn't add the one's you repeated more than once. My point here, is adding an 'ly' to the end of a word doesn't improve it's descriptiveness or its effectiveness. In fact, you could remove any of those adverbs without losing any of your meaning. I think, adverbs serve their purpose. On the same token, omitting an adverb but using more words in its place can add insight into characterization, action, dialogue or conflict. I took some sentences from your story as an example. I'll present your sentence and then suggest an alternative just for the heck of it. *Wink*

You wrote:
It was in fact understood by all the doctors in the region that if Doctor O’Neil was referring a client to their practice, that that patient was indeed a “lost cause” and to view this channeling as merely a bonus to their annual income.
I chose this one as an example because I could also touch on the use of 'that' which is also useful but used a lot out of habit and 'that' too can be removed from our sentences oft, times,' that; is *Wink*

You could write: It was in fact understood by all doctors in the region that if Dr O'Neil was referring a client to their practice, than chances are, the patient was a 'lost cause." They should just view this 'channeling' as easy money in their pocket. Ok, well you may not like my words,but I'm sure you get my point.

Early indications suggested that the winter of 1968 was going to be relatively calm. here again, you could write: Early indications suggest the winter of 1968 is going to be clam and uneventful.

And as a final example: You wrote:
His heart felt as if it had abruptly jumped into his throat. He slowly shook his head. Perhaps: His heart felt as if it jumped into his throat. He shook his head in disbelief as dread filled his body. Sometimes if we question our motives..our answers will surprise us. For instance, you ask yourself, what does 'abruptly' bring to jumped? The reader can surmise that jumped in his throat could mean abruptly because it's not normal, so you're being redundant and assuming the reader needs to be told every action/reaction. Also,
'too many adverbs don't just make our writing lazy, they also 'tell' more of the story rather than 'show. And Show is always more effective.

Overall, you have a fine story here. It;s not scary and horrifying because it's full of blood and guts and depravity, but rather because it's the evil lurking...the cold calculating debasing of evil which exists if we probe. You are probing in this story. Setting the scene for the final curtain with the backdrop of arrogance, aloofness and greed. So Bravo!

I do hope you found this useful. For a first try at horror. Excellent!

Write on and then write on some more!

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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Marbou…you’ll find my corrections for punctuation in parenthesis and I also made some other notations for spelling.


Thank you for asking me to read and review again., I hope you find this useful.


This was so much easier to read! Nice job of rewriting. Excellent presentation of action and dialogue!

There is still a little work to be done because I found a lot of punctuation errors and some mis-spellings and some wrong word uses, but those are all easy to fix however.

It seems you’ve been busy!

Well done.
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Through the dust(,) a silhouette arose. The man stood there silently and motionless. Around him (lay the ruins) of once a beautiful skyscraper, now only piles of stone remain covered in dirt. The man looked pale with bloodstains all over his face and clothes(;) it didn't appear to be his blood because he wasn't wounded whatsoever. Tears started dripping from his chin towards the ground. A body lay before him, he stood there gazing upon it with a shocked face and regret in his brown eyes. His lips were shaking and turned blue. From the dark sky(,) rain started dripping, harder and harder, washing away the blood and tears from his face. The dirt on the body lying on the ground also washed away, revealing a pretty girl with dark blond hair. The face was of the girl was covered in dirt, some blood trickled from the wounds she had all over her body. The girl seemed full of bullet holes. The man standing over her turned around and the gun in his hand shone brightly in the moonlight.

"I'm sorry, Nine." The man said in a croaky voice.

He aimed his gun down and shot, sending himself flying upwards towards the air, landing on the roof of a tall building. He stood there, watching the city lights, he lost everything, no hope, no feelings and full of darkness.
Chapter 1 - The New Guy...


"Did he wake up yet?" An angelic voice said.

"No, not yet, but his wounds are healing at an amazing speed, almost inhuman." Another voice said, this time it was a lower voice(;) it probably belonged to a man.

A girl and a man were sitting together looking at a guy who was lying in bed.

"Oh, look! He woke up, he woke up!" The girl jumped up and down in excitement.

The brown haired guy lying in bed slowly opened his eyes, revealing his brown pupils, (which were flashing )whom flashed red for a moment, however, both the girl and the man didn't notice.

"Where am I?" Asked the guy.

Without waiting for an answer he sat right up and started searching his jean's pockets and slowly went upwards to his T-shirt. His expression changed, his face turned red of (with) anger.

"WHO TOOK MY JACKET?" He belowed. bellowed

"Eek!" The girl fell down from her chair, shocked by his sudden outburst.

The man, however, looked calmly at his face.

"It's where it belongs, my dear guest, on a jacket holder in the hallway next to the door leading outside." The man smiled amused.

"Give it back now! Please..." The guy tried to not make it sound as an order, but failed.

"I do not think you need it, it's not that chilly in here. And I don't see you going outside anytime soon due to your injuries." The man was still smiling.

"Yes, you need to lay down and rest, moving about will only make your wounds worse!" The girl finally stood up and put her hands on her hips in a demanding way.

"I want my jacket, it holds something important that I need. Give it back now!" He shouted the last words.

"Your zanpaktou, this gun, perhaps?" The man pulled a green gun, engraved with the roman number 13, XIII.

"Hades!"

The guy jumped towards it, but the man quickly raised his hand out of reach, which caused the jumping fellow to grab air and fall down on the ground.

"A peculiar name for a zanpaktou. Hades... A devilish name indeed. Also the marking on it picks my interest. The number 13... Bad luck?"

The guy pushed himself up and faced the man holding his beloved gun.

"Hades... Return!"

The gun started glowing red and the man holding it screamed in pain. He let go of the gun and the gun kept hovering in mid-air, turning towards it owner and flying towards his right hand. The girl screamed and went to the man's aid, however, she stopped when he started laughing. The man looked at his black burned hand and smiled at the owner and his gun. A mighty blade appeared in front of the man and he grabbed it with his unharmed, left hand.

"Demon Trophy... Remove my useless limb and may it be replaced anew." The man sliced off his hand with the blade and it dissolved and a new one appeared in stead of it, fully unharmed.

The guy holding Hades shrugged and was pretty impressed.

"May I ask your name, my dear guest?" The man turned to the guy and continued as if nothing just now happened.

"Train, Train Heartnet. (is it Heartnet or Heartened, no biggies, just wondering, it changed from last read) Also known as Black Cat, the bringer of bad luck."

The man smiled amused, however, the girl who now was standing next to the man stook (stuck) her tongue out at Train.

"Bad luck doesn't exist! Right, uncle?"

The man patted the girl and laughed.

"Don't stick your tongue out at others, it's not how a princess should behave. Oh, also don't ruin the introduction of our dear guest, Ashurii. It might hurt his feeling."

The girl pouted and gave Train a weird look before walking out of the room.

"Feelings? I have none." Train smiled at the man in front of him.

The man made a gesture for Train to sit down at the chair next to him, however, Train declined.

"I have more training to do."

The man shook his head and sighed.

"You can't train in your condition, that's suicide. Besides, why would one train so hard? For revenge, perhaps?"

Train put away his gun in his back pocket and looked at the man, noticing his long black hair and green eyes. He was not that old, yet his eyes beared (bared) the grief of one who has seen many things.

"I wish to be acknowledged, mister...?"

"Call me Ricardo, and acknowledged by who, if I may ask?" Ricardo looked at him with a curious face.

"By myself. I do not care for others, because I do not wish for them to care for me, nor do I care for their opinion. I lead my own path, alone." Train walked towards the door to take his leave, but only to be stopped by Ricardo.

"Alone, you say? Why would one desert love and joy to walk alone"

Train was angered by these words and gazed furiously at Ricardo's calm smiling face.

"Only a fool believes in utter nonsense such as love."

With this, Train marched out of the room and found himself in a large hallway.

"I forgot to mention... You are no longer in the world as you know it." Ricardo appeared behind him and Train stopped walking.

"What do you mean?" Train turned around and faced Ricardo who was still smiling.

"I mean that this is another world, the NetherWorld, or NW for short." Ricado (Ricardo) tilted his up diagonally and looked amused at Train's confused face.

"Hmph, save the jokes for someone who has time." Train shook his head and walked further through the hallway.

"Time? Why are you in such a rush?"

Train ignored his question and kept going onwards until {until) he found a large door. Suddenly, Ricardo appeared in front of him out of thin air. Train stared at him with open mouth.

"H-how did you...?"

Ricardo laughed at his shocked face.

"Dahahaha! Like I said before, this is the NW and everyone here has a reason to be here, God himself chose them, including you."

Train raised his hand to hush him up.

"You're trying to say I was chosen by God to come to this so called NetherWorld?"

Ricardo nodded and Train burst out in laughter.

"He chose me? Of all people, he chose me? I'm sorry but I do not believe in God nor any of this NetherWorld nonsense."

"God chose you for a reason like anyone else here in the NW, so you must have some good-"

Train hushed him up when he grinned and his eyes turned red.

"Good, inside me? That's funny, considering that only pure dark flows inside me."

Ricardo smiled and started to fade away in white particles.

"This is reiatsu and you have it too, probably in another color, anyways, you should go on through the door behind me and see for yourself what I was talking about. Please be carefull, (careful) though, not everyone is as nice as me. See you soon, Train Heartnet."

The man smiled broadly and vanished completely, leaving Train alone standing in front of the door.

Train shrugged and pushed the door open. A white light blinded him for a moment.

"Ah, there is the new guy!"

A tall fearsome figure walked towards him.

"Welcome, welcome to the NetherWorld and our beloved castle, the home of the Vizard! You must be Train."

Train looked at his face in disbelief; he looked human, but reassembled a tiger somehow.

"Y-yeah, I'm Train Heartnet."

Another person appeared next to the tiger-faced man.

"Hi, hi! Nice to meet ya! I'm Sorelle, Queen of Spades." The pretty girl smiled broadly and nudged the man next to her.

"Oh, oh yeah! You can call me Zarion, nice to meet you."

Train ignored their introductions and walked past them, leaving them confused.

"H-hey! Wait up, stop ignoring me!" Sorelle shouted behind him.

Zarion appeared in front of him, the same way Ricardo did earlier, his tall, broad figure impressed Train and made him stop.

"Listen here, new guy, when someone is talking to you, it's rude to ignore them and walk away, or should I beat some manners into you?"

Train grinned and his eyes turned red, Zarion wasn't impressed and calmly looked back.

"Move away, I have training to do and listening to a bunch of crazy people who think that this is another world, is time wasting." Train walked past Zarion.

As soon as Train was next to Zarion, Zarion launched his elbow towards the back of his head, however, Train ducked and sweeped (swept?) away his legs, this caused Zarion to fall down on the ground. Train coughed up blood and fell on his knees, it seemed some of his wounds reopened.

"Training in such a state, only a fool does that, even so... Your reaction was perfect."

Another man showed up in front of Train and put his hand in front of him, to help him stand up. Train ignored him and pushed himself up. Zarion jumped up on his feet and laughed.

"You've got guts, I like it!"

Train pulled Hades out of his back pocket and aimed it at Zarion.

"If you ever attack me again, I will kill you."

Sorelle blew in his ear and pushed away Hades with the tip of her finger.

"Don't be so serious, come on! Loosen up and laugh a- OW!" Sorelle withdrew her finger and put it in her mouth.

"Never touch Hades without my permission, otherwise you'll get burned badly. Don't worry about your finger though, it was just a warning and I told Hades to go easy on females."

Sorelle's eyes widened and her face turned furiously red.

"Easy Sorelle, he's new and he doesn't know anything yet." Said the man who offered him his hand earlier.

Sorelle seemed to be calmed down, however, she gave Train a nasty look and then moved at an amazing speed out of the room, not the same way Ricardo did earlier, this time he could see her move. The room was quite big and had a lot of furniture, such as four couches, three TV's and a lot of tables with poker cards on them. It seemed as it was the living room, but then he saw several training gear and home trainers.

"Anyways, I'm Jack, nice to meet you."

Train looked at him and put away Hades in his back pocket.

"I want answers." Jack smiled and widened his arms.

"And those answers will certainly be given."

"By me, the Ace of Clubs, ofcourse!" (of course) Zarion grinned and walked next to Jack, facing Train. "But not here, let's go to the Clubs wing of the castle(;) this is the small recreation room of the Hearts."

Train looked confused at Zarion.

"Don't worry you'll get it when I'll explain everything later. Come now, follow me." Zarion moved to another door and Train followed him, still not trusting Zarion and ready to counter any move he makes.
Chapter 2 - The Three Mights...


After a long walk past many rooms and through many hallways, they finally stopped in front of an enormous door.

"This is it, the Clubs' lobby!" Zarion seemed proud and was smiling broadly.

Train stared at the large door in front of him. The door had the painting of an Ace Club poker card and something was written under it:

"The Clubs' Mighty Lobby! NO TRESPASSERS! You too, Ricardo! Signed: Zarion, Ace of Clubs."

Train shook his head and then turned to Zarion.

"Trespassers? We are inside, unless you are warning burglars, which is usually not needed, this notice is meaningless."

Zarion laughed and put his hand on Train's shoulder.

"Everyone who is not a Club, is a trespasser past these doors and will be attacked by everyone there. Of course, we won't go all out on them, it's more for fun and entertainment, besides... We don't want to destroy the whole place, now do we?" Zarion moved and pushed the door, revealing a huge landscape, full of rocks and a few nearly dead trees.

The sky was blue and the sun shone brightly down on Train and Zarion. A few faces turned towards the door, one of them ran towards them and drew out his katana while running at high speed. The man who was running at them put his katana in front of him and aimed to stab Train, however, Train wasn't impressed and drew Hades. Zarion smiled and stepped back, enjoying to see what will happen next. Train shot a few times with Hades at the running man, aiming for his legs, the bullets went through his clothes and then deflected of his skin.

"What the.." Train didn't believe his eyes and shot a few more rounds, the same happened and the bullets were deflected.

"Won't work... He has trained his skin, bullets won't penetrate that easily." Zarion smiled and folded his arms, watching carefully how Train will overcome this obstacle.

"I see.. Hades, Black Claw!" Train swinged (swung) his arm, as if he slashed with a blade four times and a white light appeared from Hades, moving towards the man, who was still running, the light broke in four more lights. The lights collapsed against the running man, slicing him and the ground around him.

The man stopped, as blood dripped from his cut wounds.

"Well done, stopping Kaisen like that. It's not easy to stop him in his Principle of Speed." Zarion said impressed, while Train put away Hades.

"Principle of Speed?" Zarion laughed at Train's confused face.

"One of my fighting styles, and Zarion, you shouldn't underestimate me, that attack wouldn't have stopped me." The man who was running appeared next to Train, fully unharmed.

"How did you fully heal so fast?" Train stared at his body where moments ago were wounds.

The man smiled with his eyes closed, this gave Train an uneasy feeling and his hand automatically went to Hades, but he didn't draw it.

"I am Kaisen, King of Clubs. And I'd like to congratulate you for destroying one of my puppets." Train looked confused, while Kaisen still smiled at him with his eyes closed.

"Don't worry, I'll explain later. So.. Kaisen, can you please turn this place back to normal, so I can get to my room."

Kaisen's face turned pale and his face became expressionless, staring at Zarion.

"Sure... I was done training anyways." Kaisen placed the palms of both his hands together and closed his eyes, a sudden wave went past Train and Zarion, blowing away Train's hair backwards. After the wave went past, the place turned into a large living room, with a lot of training gear and a lot of huge weights.

"So this is actually a gym?" Zarion looked confused when he said that.

"No, this is just our lobby, our training room isn't here in this castle. The castle wouldn't be able to stand after our training sessions."

Train sighed and shook his head, still in disbelief about the thinking process these guys have around here.

"So who are you?" Kaisen asked while smiling with his eyes closed.

"Train, Train Heartnet." Train was still feeling uneasy with that smile.

"Well anyway, we have to get going. See ya, Kaisen." Zarion gestured for Train to follow him.

"See you Train Heartnet. I hope we'll meet again soon." Kaisen was still smiling with his eyes closed and following Train's every movement.

"Who's that?" Zarion laughed when he sensed Train feeling uneasy with Kaisen staring at him.

"That, my friend, is one of the top fighters we have, he is a great asset to the Vizard, not to mention his great loyalty."

"Err... Right." Train shook his head.

"Ah, here it is. The Ace of Clubs' chamber."

Another large door faced Train again, however, this one was quite smaller than the other one. The text on the oak door said:

"Eat... Or be eaten. Ricardo shall be eaten.. Some day.. I hope.." The last two words were scribbled down fairly small, almost unreadable, but Train could read it just fine.

"Err... Do you enjoy scribbling things on doors and walls?" Zarion was shocked by Train's statement.

"H-how did you know?" Train sighed at his stupidity, while Zarion looked at him with wide eyes in shock.

"Because on every door you sign the scribbling with your name." Train rolled with his eyes.

"Oh.. Right.. Nevermind (never mind) that, let's just go inside, shall we?" Zarion pushed the door open, revealing a huge kingsized king-sized bed in the middle of the room, which seemed the right size for the large owner. A few poker cards were lying around on the green carpet and on the tables a lot of buildings could be seen.

"You like to build models or something?" Zarion laughed and shook his head at his rhetorical question.

"Those are models used for war meetings, those are models based on other organization's buildings." Train looked at him with a puzzled face.

"There are other organizations?" Zarion shrugged.

"Well... Yeah, ofcourse (of course) there are, we are the strongest though and the oldest. You got them Shinigamis, who live in the Soul Society. That one," he pointed at a large model, it had a lot of towers and buildings who were surrounded by two walls, the inner and outer wall, "And you got them Arrancar's, Hollow's, Espada's and all the other non-human creatures, those live in Los Noches, they're not from this dimension though, they're from Hueco Mundo, they do get here quite often." He nodded to himself occasionally, as if he was talking and agreeing with himself.

"Where is their building?" Zarion woke up out of his own discussion and laughed.

"Oh yeah, theirs is there next to ours." He pointed towards a huge castle, with 5 (five) towers, 1 in the middle and the other 4 surrounding that tower. best to write numbers under one hundred out

All the towers were labeled, the middle one said: "Player of the Cards", the other 4 said: "Spades", "Hearts", "Clubs", "Diamonds".

Next to the castle stood a less appealing and less impressive building, it was fully white and the shapes were oddly disfigured, the building seemed like a mansion and it was not really something you'd call a base.

"How about those other buildings." Some other buildings surrounding the three on the top, they were a lot smaller and some of them were half destroyed.

"Those are the smaller organizations, such as the Quincies. Oh, remember that the top three organizations are the Soul Society, led by King Adam and Queen Ming, Los Noches, Led by Lord N, and The Vizards, led by The Player of The Cards Ricardo. If your (you’re) gonna join an organization, you better join one of those 3, though you'd better not join Los Noches, or I might have to kill ya." Zarion looked pretty serious when he made that threat.

"Err... Right. So why can you all disappear and appear wherever you want, are you guys magicians or something?" Zarion scratched his head when he tried to figure out how he should answer.

"Hehe, that's a hard one. Basically.. We're all spirits and the power we use to fly around and use magic stuff is coz we use them spirit power that's in us, we call it Reiatsu. Oh, and not everyone can disappear and appear whenever they want, only like 3 or 4 of us can in whole NW, it's a pretty hard ability to get."

Train shook his head. "Your trying to say I'm dead, why didn't I go to Hell, then?"

Zarion scratched his head again and coughed a few times. "I... Don't know why. Look we're just here, okay?"

Train's face turned red of anger. "NO THAT'S NOT OKAY. I WANT TO KNOW WHY THE HELL I'M HERE, OKAY?" Train moved his hand towards Hades, but before he could grab the hilt Ricardo appeared behind him and grabbed his hand.

"No need for violence, right? Dahahahaha!" Ricardo let go of his hand and folded his arms.

"Oi Ricardo, why you giving me someone who asks to many questions, you know I can't handle those smart asses."

Ricardo smiled and laughed. "Don't worry, Z. I'll take care of his questions, you can go now."

Zarion shrugged. "Aight, keep safe. See you around, Train." Zarion disappeared and Train turned towards Ricardo.

"Am I dead? Why am I here? What is this place? And who the hell are you people?"

Ricardo laughed and smiled at Train. "Relax, Train, relax. Your you’re not dead, nor are you alive. It's quite hard to explain, but you could see this as the stage before you die, another path you follow before you go to either Hell or Heaven."

Train frowned. "But how did I die? And what the hell is this place?"

Ricardo changed his expression and suddenly took a serious face. "Hmmm. That's odd. You should know how you died, your memories aren't taken from you." He muttered to himself.

"What? What did you say?"

Ricardo placed both his hands together and smiled again. "It's nothing, nothing to worry about for now. This place is my home, and yours if you wish to choose so, The Vizard Castle, home of the Vizards and the oldest organization to be. We are proud, we are strong and most of all lazy. Dahahahaha!"

Train shook his head, not showing the slightest desire that he wants to laugh.

"Anyways, your here now and that's all that matters. The next thing for you to do is choose an organization to join. The Vizards, Shinigamis, the creatures of Los Noches or perhaps another organization of a lower rank. But to join an organization you need to join their academy first, where you will learn how to fight and use your reiatsu, which Zarion already explained in his own way. Dahahahaha!" Ricardo smiled and looked at him with a curious face waiting for his answer. "

So I either join one of the three mightiest organizations or join a lesser one and to do that I have to go to the organizations academy so they can learn (teach) me how to fight?"

Ricardo nodded. "Yes, that's basically it. So what will it be?"

Train grinned and his eyes turned red. "I choose option 3. I will stay alone and fight alone."

Ricardo raised his eyebrows. "Why would you do that?"

Train's eyes turned to their normal brown color. "Because I don't care for any of you and nor will I ever, besides, I hate schools, especially if they're going to learn me something I'm already capable."

Ricardo laughed and smiled. "So what are your goals? Most people join organizations to raise rise up in rank and get stronger, why do you wish to fight?"

Train shrugged. "I fight for myself. Like I told you before... I wish to be acknowledged by myself."

Ricardo nodded. "So.. How do you wish to do that?"

Train smiled. "Simple... I fight and fight and become the strongest of everyone, easy isn't it."

Ricardo laughed and smiled. "So you plan on fighting anyone, even if he is twice, no, a hundred times stronger than you?"

Train shook his head. "I would not only fight him, I would defeat him." Train's words echoed loudly through the room.

"Fine, if that is what you wish, however, if you ever change your mind. Feel free to barge in anytime and join us, we want someone who has a strong will like yours."

Train shook his head. "Don't count on it. So where is my jacket? I have some training to do."

Ricardo nodded and smiled. "Right this way..."

Ricardo led him past many hallways again, where a lot of people bowed for Ricardo and others raised their hands holding bottles, asking when the next big sake party is coming.

"Dahahahaha!" Train's thoughts could barely bear with this laugh, he loathed it as he kept thinking about everything that is going on and not understanding it. His thoughts flowed from "Where am I?" to "How do I get out?", however, he already realized (realized) the answer to this "There is no way out.".

Ricardo could only smile, even though he understood how Train felt, the only way he could help him is by leaving him alone for now. "Here you go." Ricardo held the jacket in front of Train, who seemed to have spaced out.

"W-what? Oh, thanks." He took the black jacket, engraved with XIII on the sleeve and looked at Ricardo. "Is there a wasteland around here, where I can train without being disturbed?"

Ricardo laughed and shook his head. "Dahahahaha! My friend, NW is nothing but wasteland." He pushed open the two broad doors that lead to the outside, it was almost inhuman how he did that with minimum effort. The doors revealed a blue sky and the sun shining brightly on the lake surrounding the castle. The white bridge that linked the castle with the wasteland on the other side blinded Train.

"We got wasteland right in our frontyard front yard and backyard!"

Train shook his head and asked himself again what the hell this place is. "Uhmm... Yeah, thanks. I'll be going now." Train reached for his pocket and pulled out Hades.

"See you around soon. Dahahahahaha!" Train aimed Hades on the ground beneath him and shot, sending himself flying towards the wastelands, and out of Ricardo's sight.

"Soon?" Train laughed a bit while he kept shooting Hades to keep himself airborne. "Soon, when I defeat you and your whole castle."

Chapter 3... Check my Portfolio.









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94
94
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Prier *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What a wonderful, expressive and visual story. I think you captured the essence of this "wienie roast' it's characters and the introduction of the professor who enlightened everyone about the true essence of horror, a.k.a Poe. *Wink*

I thought this was well written and engaging. The story flowed with ease as the plot unfolded. I think you showed the readers this 'wienie roast' rather than telling us a story and this helped to bring your story alive and put me right there with Danny and the main young character. Superb

I liked the subtle humor weaved in to the story. Excellent!

I have one small observation if I may?

You wrote: "...void of vegetation was an ideal site for teen campfire gatherings such as weenie roast that were popular in the 1950s. Seems to be missing something here. And You wrote: "

I discovered that there were scary stories that didn’t involve flying saucers or werewolves; that thought and imagination didn’t begin the day I was born and that I should avoid exposure to new experiences and old literature… may want to consider removing some of the 'that's which can weigh a sentence down. Perhaps: I discovered there were scary stories which didn't involve flying saucers or werewolves; that thought and imagination didn't begin the day I was born and I shouldn't avoid exposure to new experiences and old literature.

*Star*Otherwise, I enjoyed this immensely. it was well written, near flawless and captivating. Nice use of characterizations and action and overall fine writing, strong and solid.


I agree...Poe is the master of scary...and he did it without creating scary monsters but rather by probing into the darkness within...tapping in to our fears our frailties, our distortions and our inabilities.

This was simple yet not simplistic...it captured and maintained my interest.

Write on and then write on some more!

touche'

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95
95
Rated: E | (2.5)
*Note4**Note4**Note4* Hey There MarBou *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story listed on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.


Nice use of action. Your story is most certain, not lacking in action. Action helps to keep the reader engaged and to move the plot along as the story unfolds. So nice job.

I think you have an intriguing storyline and you do write with a lot of emotion. Emotion helps to give the story life and also helps the reader connect to the characters and their conflicts. So well done.

*Note*I must say, I had trouble reading your story however. Sorry! The biggest issue for me was the Mountain of text...words on top of words forming sentences that looked like they went on forever. As a result, I couldn't finish reading. I got through half of chapter two and was getting a little dizzy and crossed-eyed. *Shock* sorry!

I'd be glad to give it another go after you edit and rewrite. May I make some suggestions?

Most important- Please don't get discouraged. Rewriting is always necessary for all writers even the published ones! it's just part of the process.

*Note*First, break your story up into Paragraphs and try to indent them. This will not only make your story look more polished and professional but the pauses between paragraphs will make it easier on the reader. Formatting is essential to the success of a story as well.

*Note* Also, the mechanics of writing helps the author control the flow of the sentences. So proper punctuation is vital as well. You want the reader to savor every word and you can control this with commas, periods, and other punctuations.

*Note* In addition, as far as dialogue, every speaker should receive their own line. otherwise it can be pretty confusing for the reader.

For instance, you wrote:

Did he wake up yet?" An angelic voice said. "No, not yet, but his wounds are healing at an amazing speed, almost inhuman." Another voice said, this time it was a more manly voice. This would be better written such as:

"Did he wake up yet?" An angelic voice said.
"No,not yet, but his wounds are healing at an amazing speed... ," Said another strong, baritone-like voice.

*Note*This leads me to another observation... what does manly say? Adverbs are useful but the weaken a sentence and create a laziness in our writing. I removed manly and replaced it with more descriptive words which give insight into your character. it's best to limit the amount of adverbs. Adding an 'ly' to the end of a word doesn't increase the sentences effectiveness, in fact, oft times, it just a filler and a bad habit all writers can fall into.

*Note*There were a few grammar issues as well. Word used out of context. I will list a few I found. There could be more since I didn't finish the story.

Through the dust a silhouette arised. Perhaps this should be written: Through the dust a silhouette arose?

He aimed his gun downwards to the ground and shooted, He aimed his gun down and shot


There were some areas that stumped me a bit and need clarifying. Here are a few i found along the read:

Around him ruins of once a beautiful, now only piles of stone remain covered in dirt. Something seems to be missing in this sentence.

it didnt seem it was his blood as he was not wounded whatsoever. This needs clarifying and rewritten so it reads with more ease. perhaps: It didn't appear to be his blood because he wasn't wounded or something to that effect. it's best to make every word count and to make it as active as possible rather than passive.

The face was of the girl was blue and was turning white as the last few wounds dropped more blood. this sentence seems a little confusing to me. I'm not sure what you are saying


it's more for fun and entertaining, besides it's for fun and entertainment might work better?

*Note*The final observation I have is while there is a lot of great action...the story lacks focus and there are almost too many characters. Overall it seems too busy...and all over the place ...almost like watching the frenzied attack of piranha on its prey...your story too is a bit frenzied, leaving me to wonder, what this story is about? When you have numerous characters, the reader tends to lose interest because reading then becomes work and readers want to read to be entertained or enlightened.

*Star*Your on the right path here. You have some marvelous examples of action and your characters are creative and intriguing. Who couldn't love the name Train Heartened? Superb! And I think you have captured the essence of their voices and made them believable. Excellent!

I would suggest rethinking your title...the adverb doesn't help make it catchy *Wink*

This does read like a first draft to me. Some of my first drafts were beyond Hideous! At least yours has action and interesting characters and names. *Wink*

Try focusing the story more and proof reading from grammar issue and issues in the mechanics of writing. Separate your story into paragraphs and give each new voice speaking their own line with a tag so we no who's talking.

*Star*otherwise, you have the substance, you have the ability and you have the passion so write on and then write on some more!

touche'

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96
96
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4*Hey There M. T. Roscoe *Note4**Note4*


Greetings! I saw your item listed on the Request a review page so I stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Hmmmph, very interesting piece. What does it all mean I wonder as I sit here trying to decide what to write on my review. It's difficult to comment on because its so subjective. One writer's perspective in the moment.

Well let's begin with the mechanics of writing and grammar. hhmmm, no glaring mistakes or jarring inconsistencies, so, well, great Job!

I like the fact you admitted you 'drooled' this on to the page. haha. great image. *Shock**Bigsmile*

I suspect there is a deeper meaning...layers of meaning or could it be just my thought process, my innate desire to make something out of what could be just words on a page flowing toward an end? Which takes me back to where I began, as I sit here trying to decipher what to write in my review. *Wink*

I will say you've given the reader's some excellent imagery. "...my remains piled up at my feet." Excellent! Or "I'm wrapped up in cotton" Yeow! great image!

Also, the tone of this piece is so melancholy. What I noticed most is the lack of hope as the monologue unfolded toward the end. Lack of hope is so disturbing to me. For when all else fails for us...hope keeps the fires burning within. Well, this too is subjective. I too, liked how you utilized not only imagery but the sense of smell, though rot and #$@& is hardly, pleasant. Egad! *Wink*

Overall, intriguing.

Wish I had a key to unlock its greater meaning, if there is one at all.

I suspect this wasn't too helpful. But it was one reader's perspective, good, bad or indifferent, this too is the end. Thanks for making me think!

Write on and then write on some more!

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97
97
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* hey There WordyRob *Note4**Note4*


Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's persepctive.

Holy Cow! and Jumpin Jehosphat...just in time for Halloween. *Wink**Bigsmile**Shock*

What I liked about this horror story is the use of humor. I thought it was as funny as it was scary. You have great comic timing in your writing. Superb!

Nice job of characterizing. I got a good sense of both Tanya and Gina because of the strategic use of body language, mannerisms and other nuaunces which help to bring characters alive, making them more deminsonal and easy to connect too.

The relationship seemed real and natural to me. Excellent!

I thought you constructed your scenes with eminent intention. Making the scenes not only engaging, with as much wit as whimsy , but also so the plot unfolded with ease. Masterful!

You utilized, with success, many of the vital elements of short-story writing, showing us the story rather than just telling. Well done

For the most part, this was well written with no glaring errors in grammar or in the mechanics of writing. Write on!

The only observation I have is the adverbs. Adverbs are useful, but they are also pesky. They can create a laziness in our writing. Take for example the following two examples taken from your story
The two best friends high-fived and whooped with laughter at themselves for dreaming that even one of them could be supernaturally equipped to raise them from their lowly status as “losers”. What does ‘lowly’ bring to the sentence that ‘loser’ doesn’t already say?

Gina glanced up from her reading to see wide-eyed horror on her friend’s suddenly pale face. Same question here, pale in itself is descriptive enough.

And Last, you wrote: No place we’d want our worst enemies to go to,” Gina answered solemnly.
What does solemnly say about Gina, for real? You could write: No place we’d want our worst enemies to go,” Gina answered, her voice cracking, sending chills through her body at the thought of such evil. or something to that effect. See how removing the adverb and adding more words create added insight into a conflict or an event/ Just thoughts to consider.

Overall, though I enjoyed your story. I liked it’s wit and humor with a little creepy mixed in. I thought your characters were believable and their dialogue was natural.

Superb! I hope you found this useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

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98
98
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* hey There zfawnz *Note4**Note4*


Greetings! I saw your story listed on the Request a Review page and decided to answer your call for a critique. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I found your story to be creative and original. Though the narrator was poking fun at the theme by taking words out of context and using complicated sentence structures, I felt this was a thought-provoking story with many layers which could be analyzed for a deeper meaning.

Though I was a bit irritated by the unexpected sentence structure, such as " At the first site, one to another, they knew just then they were drawn to be together. I do admire the cleverness. Of course, the sentence isn't wrong...it just isn't 'traditional' so it takes the reader aback for a moment. I get the gist of it and yes, it is clever.

The story is intriguing...and I like how you utilized the 'once upon a time' fairytale concept and married it to the technological elements of today's world, for better or for worse...it's out with the old and in with the new...these Giants...may have committed a 'coup' so-to-speak, but 'writing', reading and arithmetic, from 'back in the day' doesn't have to be a lost art.

I do have a couple of observations. My comments are not to critique grammar or the mechanics of writing, they are more in the form of 'styling' choices. *Wink*


These were said to be awesome and powerful giants that were conquering all nations and obliterating everything that was there before them.
You may want to cut back on some of the wordiness...so the sentence is more refined and polished. Such as: These were said to be awesome and powerful giants conquering all nations, obliterating everything before them. Just thoughts to consdier. You way isn't wrong...just utilizes more words. {the irony of it huh? {e;bigsmile}

They galloped on so fast in fact that for a long while they had not even realized when the guillotine hit, like the headless horsemen, now they were riding solo only heads without bodies, Initials, no forms!! Here again, just some wordiness you may want to edit out. They galloped on so fast, for such a long while, they missed the guillotine when it hit, like the headless horsemen; now they were riding solo, only heads, no bodies. Initials, no forms! Again, this is not to say your way is wrong...but to make the story flow with more ease , you could remove the wordiness and make every word count.


Overall, very enjoyable and inventive. Well done

I do hope this has been useful

Write on and then write on some more

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99
99
Review of Simply Put  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4*Hey There B. A. Crofts *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I thought you did a superb job of identifying and portraying Jane's anxiety. Good use of details that helped to bring your character alive..the throbbing pulse, the nerves, the fear. Well Done!

i got a great sense of Jane's internal conflict and how she tries to will herself out of her anxiety. Excellent!

You did a great job with the action and with constructing your scene. I took that drive with Jane and was with her when she tried to self-talk herself right into parking and going in for the interview. Nice use of conflict resolution and with helping the reader's identify with her issues. Superb!

I do have a couple of minor observations if I may?

This fear, this “anxiety”, had stopped her from doing even simple activities in the past. Watch the use of 'had' with past tense verbs...they tend to weigh the sentence down. Perhaps just: This fear, this anxiety, stopped her from doing the simpliest activities. Make every word count. *Wink*


machining shops machining shops doesn't seem to fit in this context

She felt both eager and wilted. at the same time. You could do without the last few words. The reader understands eager and wilted means at the same time.

These are easy to edit if you choose and they are minor. This was otherwise well written and you kept me engaged in Jane's conflict and i was hoping she overcame. Nice use of 'twist' with the accident though the outcome was a bit peculiar, it worked.

With just a little refining and polishing this could shine like the gem it promises to be.

It's almost there! I do hope this has been useful.

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100
100
Review of Turning  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*Note4**Note4* hey There Mark *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a review page and stopped in for a read. i hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What I like about the situation is how real it seems. Situations such as this happen all day long and you made it seem realistic. Superb!

Also, I think you given us great characterization of Ben and Mike. More actions and reactions such as mannerisms, body language and dialogue would help to increase the effectiveness of your story. Adding little nuaunues like, a tapping foot, or a nervous cough, or slap on the back when they are reacting to an event, or a comment, increases the success of your character. This is Just a thought to consider.

Also, I think you’ve constructed your scenes very well. I can picture them in my mind as they happen. Excellent!

You’ve captured the essence of this awkward gathering very well. Well done.

I do have a few observations if I may?

I don’t know if anyone’s noticed,” said Mike, “but we’re kinda stood out in the rain right now.”
The above setnece is a bit awkward. It’s the ‘kinda stood” seems a bit like bad grammar. Perhaps ‘we’re kinda standing out in the rain… “?

Jenny and Kate were in the lounge, having taken over the sofa, a half-empty bottle of Lambrini on the carpet in front of them. The above setnece needs a little clarifying. It sounds incorrect to me. It’s the ‘having taken’ over that threw me a bit



You may want to reconsider some of your adverbs. Putting an ‘ly’ on the end of the word doesn’t make the sentence more descriptive. In fact, it creates a sort of laziness in our writing. Adverbs, of curse are useful even necessary at times. Too many, tend to ‘tell’ the story rather than ‘show’ Showing the reader’s keeps them engaged and adds insight into characterization, conflict, action and dialogue. Try replacing the one adverb with more words which can bring your meaning and sentence to life. Here are some of the adverbs you used.
seemingly, constantly, unevenly, actually, hardly, slowly, immediately, playfully, awarkwardly, quickly, quietly, neatly, obviously, slightly, slowly, barely, mildly, unruly, studiously

As an example. Take the following sentence. You wrote:

Sarah hung up and stood for a moment, uncertain. Ben gave her what he hoped was a mildly interested look, his eyebrows slightly raised. Ask yourself, what does ‘mildly and slightly’ say about the situation or about Sarah? Does it really give the reader insight into her state of mind? perhaps instead: Sarah hung up and stood for a moment, uncertain. Ben gave her what he hoped was a curious yet interested look by raising his eyebrows as if to say are you ok, can I help? “ Well you may not like my words, but I’m sure you get my point. It’s best to keep the adverbs to a minimum. Even if your use three four or more words in place of one adverb, chances are, the change will add insight, life and drama into a situation or add more personality to your character.

This does read like a first draft but it has such grand potential because I can envision a scene like this. I think you’ve done a great job of characterizing the awkwardness of the situation. I think Ben and Mike, as characters, are off to a great start. Sarah, needs more developing. What’s her motivation? It’s ok to let the reader’s inside her head and emotions a little so we can understand.

This is worthy of a determined rewrite. It just needs a little polish so it can shine as you intended.

Write on and then write on some more!

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