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Review of Imps  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4*Hey There Pennywise *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Yeow! what and ole codger. *Shock**Bigsmile* Certainly not your average senior citizen. *Wink*

The old fool sure has some skeletons in his closet, oops excuse me, in his garden. *Bigsmile*

I thought this was an effective short horror story. It has all the elements necessary...not gory and explicit but most definitely a few surprises.

I thought you did a great job of characterizing him. A little history to help us understand his state of mind-well state of madness, which of course we don't learn the extent of until the final paragraph. Excellent!

Overall, this was well written. I didn't stumble on any glaring errors in grammar or in the mechanics of writing! Superb!

I did review with a critical eye (constructive, of course!) to give helpful suggestions if needed, but I didn't find anything, just good reading supported by great solid writing skills and a chilling storyline.

Next time those little imps tear up my lawn in the wee hours of the night, I'll know who to call on. haha *Bigsmile*

Hey, I do hope this was helpful in some small way.

Good luck in the contest.

Thanks for sharing.

Write on and then write on some more!

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127
127
Rated: E | (2.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Victoria26 *Note4**Note4*


Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page. I liked your title and decided to stop in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

There are some wonderful elements in this short story of yours. Some great use of dialogue and some twists and surprises which helps to make good reading. *Wink* It's a boys adventure and I think you did a great job of capturing the essence of young men, their thoughts actions and stupidity! *Wink* just kiddin.


However, there are some issues in grammar and in the mechanics of writing (punctuation, spelling, format, ect) it seems you didn't do much proofreading before you submitted for reviews. Proofreading is essential. At least for spelling and typos so the reader doesn't have to work so hard to get through your story. I understand the excitement about finishing a story and wanting to get reviews and hey, all writers find it difficult to distance themselves fully from their story...so they don't always catch their errors (me too!), but you should do your best to present your story in its best possible light. *Wink* Just thoughts to consider.

First, you may want to consider separating your dialogue sections, giving each person speaking their own paragraph which also lessens the confusion for the reader.

Also, some of your sentences are weighted down by repetition and wordiness. Take your opening paragraph for instance:
"Greg and William decided who was sixteen years old, decided that they would go on a camping trip in the Tennessee mountains behind their house. Their house was side by side and they had been best friends since birth. They decided that it would be fun and something that they could do before their summer vacation ended. But, they didn't realize they that night they would be marked for life.
They packed their camping equipment, food, soda and all the junk food that they could find in their parents cabinets and headed up the mountain. As they walked up the mountain, they talked about their crush, Tiffany Money, who they had a crush on for the past two years, that came to Tennessee to live from Hawaii and decided to attend Jenkins Elementary School. Before they new it, they come up on the spot where they decided they wanted to camp.
They pitched their tents and had everything set up before 8:00 that morning. They stretched their backs and decided it would be a good idea to look for some kideling and firewood for the fire that they would be building that night. "Hey, let's go swimming after this." William yelled.

Everything I underlined is in question. There is a lot of redundancy in words which just weigh your sentences down. it's best to make every word count and to make them as active as possible so they serve to add drama, life and insight into characterization, action and dialogue. I also stuck out a few of the 'that's "That" isn't always necessary to our sentences. oft times it's useful but most of the time we can omit 'that' from our sentences. It's
just a habit because we use it in our speech.

Your opening paragraph is essential because you want to capture the interest of the reader. It doesn't help to inspire the reader to continue when the sentences don't flow with ease or there is redundancy or spelling mistakes. This of course is just my opinion. Take what you like, if anything, and disregard all else. My intent is only to be respectful and helpful *Wink*


Some spelling errors : phenomina= pneumonia ; traught= trout *Bigsmile* winnies = weenies ; kideling=kindling


You have exhibited some wonderful aspects of story writing here. You captured the essence of young men on an adventure. You gave us some great banter between the boys in dialogue, some good use of action and a little unexpected surprise, so Excellent ! You do have some superb ideas and a flair for writing...it just needs some polishing and refining in order to shine as you intended.


This does need some attention and some proofreading. It seems more a like a first draft but I can certainly appreciate your enthusiasm and I can see it's grand potential. *Wink*

Write on and then write on some more!




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128
Review of The Chosen One  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There JD Kell *Note4**Note4*


Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page. I thought your title was intriguing so I stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions inthespirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

One of the elements I liked best about this story is how real it was. I think you did an excellent job with characterization. I could visualize Kate...staring at the pregancy test. I could envision her anxiousness. I could see the disapproving look on her face when her husband brought home the puppy and I shared her frustration when the darn pup wouldn't shut up as she stared sleepless up at the ceiling while her husband snored. So again, superb job with characterization.

Also, I learned so much about Kate in so little words. But the words we so well chosen helping the reader to better understand Kate. Such as ..."while she pretended to sleep." It is references such as that which help the reader to understand and care about your character's conflicts. So well done.

I did spot one small sentence that needs editing for clarification. Just a typo of sorts. "Her birth control pills lay on next to her on the counter by the sink."

I thought the back story of Kate's young life helped us to better understand her disappointments, resentments and feelings of failure. You gave us history but didn't weigh us down with too many details. Nice job!

There were some inconsistencies in your story that jarred me a bit. And thus, the reason behind the lower rating.

For instance: We’ll have to make a trip to Pet Smart tomorrow, won’t we, Trevor?”
You made reference to Kate's husband taking the pup to Pet Smart tomorrow. and yet, "that night" The pup had turned over the bowl of water which turned the puppy chow in to a soggy mess. Then you mention, at least your husband didn't forget the dog food. So it created a little confusion for me.

Also, you mentioned that Kate stared up at the ceiling and noticed a 'hairline crack', but it was 2;30am. I was just wondering....was the light on? I can't see anything in my bedroom at 2:30am. Was there light coming in from a street light? Little inconsistencies do make a difference. But they are easy to correct as well.

Overall, a compelling story. Kate is believable as a character and has real internal and external conflicts she needs to address. She is a character that is easy to connect to and care about.

While the only resolution she did come to was giving in to the puppy...I still feel there are some more Kate needs to address. What about the baby? While the element of suspension is an excellent tool, I feel a bit cheated. Is this to be continued?

Overall, I thought this was well written minus the little typo and the couple of inconsistencies. There is an essence of" worldly feel" to this story, Kate could be any woman across the world. I felt you handled this aspect of the story with flair and with style.

I do hope this has been useful to you. Thanks for sharing.

Write on and then write on some more!

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129
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There kip *Note4**Note4*


Greetings! You are receiving this review as part of the Power reviewers raid. Thank you for posting your request on our Power Reviewer List. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.



Wow...and that about sums it up. I usually stay away from poems. Especially Epic poems because...I'm such a novice and I don't know a lot of poetry to make educated comments and suggestions. The beauty of this epic poem,. is I don't have to make any suggestions...because this is as close to perfection a poem could be. Well, unless you're like any other poet or author...our work is never complete. *Wink*

Anyway, your epic poem is worthy of the ribbon it wears. You should be proud.

Every word was intelligently chosen meeting its intended mark....your language was as beautiful as it was dark. The tone, at times hopeful and other times, melancholic adding to its baneful essence.

I loved the repetition of the two line stanza throughout the poem it helped to bring the reader back and to add a melodic emphasis.

I thought your rhymes were superb! And the meter was on point creating this lovely cadence as the story unfolded.

There was this force...this apocalyptic evil that was chilling yet this spirit of lightness called hope...I loved the battle between light and dark and the supplications...though the demon hound was ever present...martyrs were on the trail to destroy.

I thought your poem was expertly formatted and presented. I can sense the passion in which this was written...it came through in every word...in every line you breathed life and drama into your poem. Excellent!

What an undertaking this must have been. For every element you used was effective and evocative and engaging.

I don't say this often but...this was brilliant. Bravo!

Thanks for sharing.

Kjo just groovin

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130
130
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*Note4**Note4* hey There Cloudspun Thanks Lexi! *Note4**Note4*


Greetings! You are Receiving this Review as part of the Power Reviewers raid. Thanks for posting your request in our forum. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestion in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

There is this wonderful aesthetic quality to the overall tone of your story that is very appealing and mysterious. It's kind of welcoming and soothing.

It's as if there is all this action and yet...everything is still except the formulations in your charcters mind. It's rather odd and yet provocative.

Really, your title drew me in. Very intriguing.

What didn't work for me is the lack of focus. I read this a few times and was still left wondering, what the heck did I just read. Your story doesn't seem to have any focus or point. No plot and while I did grasp the essence of your characters struggle with reality, there still needs to be a beginning, middle and end for the reader to comprehend the internal/external conflict.

I guess, I'm just a bit bemused. And yet, I was compelled to continue reading. it's a rather peculiar game of push and pull. *Wink*

The beginning of your story is the weakest for me. I was really having difficulty visualizing the action of your character removing her glasses and rubbing her eyes.You wrote :" She’d take both her hands up and pressure her palms against the sides, forward and down. She’d rub her eyes with the thumbs of her palms, with the rest of her hands angled up in the air. " This was a bit confusing for me. I think the movements needs to be clarified a little. For instance, the thumbs of her palms is not something I can visualize. Thumbs are thumbs and palms are palms. A little clarification is needed. *Wink*

I found this issue throughout your story but it's all easy to address if you choose.

Also, as I mentioned there seems to be a suggestion of action...with very little action, which is very unique and a powerful tool. Superb! I thought this was inventive, odd and yet appealing.

I think this has grand potential and is worthy of a determined rewrite. There are some wonderful elements of effective story writing here and I just feel it needs some polishing and refining so it can shine as bright as it's meant to. I think, besides the confusion, the lack of focus and I think your story would benefit greatly from more show rather than tell But this is just one small opinion in the whole scheme of readers. And sincerely, I hope this is taken in the spirit for which it was taken. I do think you have a gem here, it's just a little rough right now. Nothing a little focus and rewriting couldn't help.

Thanks for sharing.

kjo just groovin

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Review of The Match  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Raitei *Note4**Note4*


Greetings! You are receiving this review as part of the Power Reviewers raid. Thank you for posting your request in our forum. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I thought this was an inspiring story, well told and well written.

I think the theme in your story gives us hope that we can change the way men feel in their hearts about other ethnic groups and cultures by challenging our fears and through knowledge, after all a lot of ignorance is based on the 'fear of not knowing'. I think the fact your young bride was initially shocked by the prearrangement and disturbed by the choice made for her, it was inspiring to see she was able to look past their differences. I sense a lot of hope in this short story of yours. Superb!

I also appreciate the fact, Ms Kiran was no wilting flower. She had inner strength and didn't shrink away from voicing her opinion. I think those characteristics help to make this story more plausible and the young suitor wasn't weak either. He seemed strong and sensitive and passionate about the sacrifices. Excellent!

I liked the added use of cultural words and descriptions. They helped to authenticate the setting. And the initial questions and concerns did help to make your characters more human .

I thought your story was easy to read, insightful and I did love the inspirational aspects of this story.

I would have, however, liked to seen some of the negative reactions by both of the husband and wife's people. There has to be some doubt and perhaps even those who shun and disregard. I think this would of added another level of believability to your story. Additional external conflict to overcome would have given your characters and added dimension and served to develop their characteristics further as well as give the readers more reasons to care about them. Of course this is just a suggestion. *Wink*

As I mentioned, I thought this was well written. The overall story flowed nicely as the plot unfolded. The dialogue was easy to follow and I can say, I have no further observations or suggestions. Thanks for sharing this inspiring tale.

I do hope this has been useful

Write on and then write on some more!

{iamge:1386062}
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132
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Victoria Earle *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! You are receiving this review as a 'pay it forward" gesture. Thank you for visiting my port and reviewing "A Flag That Waves For me" I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know i offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Victoria, I find the first three chapters of your novel intriguing. The use of letters and diary entries are a superb way of learning about your characters history, their trials, conflicts and the hardships they've overcame.

I like the fact you've given the reader so much information. I can see this is shaping up to be a historical novel and much of the structure is chronological. Oft times, letters and diary entries can be a bit boring, but I found Edward and Marie's confessions to be engaging and evocative.

It seems your main protagonists are complicated characters and yet their is a 'realness' to them. Edwards faults and short comings make him more human and Marie's willingness to overlook them and accept his as a changed man is commendable.

I sense the passion they have for each other and especially the infallible love Edward has for his daughter. it's very endearing.

We don't know much about plot yet, but I suspect this will be revealed as the chapters progress.

This was exceptionally well written! Every word active and effective. Superb! While the story is being "told" with very little 'show', I see and I applaud this elemental tool for this novel. It was an intelligent choice to introduce your characters and give a historical accounts through the use of letters and diary entries. So Bravo!

I think each scene within the letters and diary was well constructed. There was a lot of emotion, action, and conflict resolutions as we learned about what kind of characters Edward and Marie are and we learned a lot about the era and the setting.

I saw nothing I could suggest changing. You are in deed, a seasoned writer and your novel, thus far, is as informative as it is intriguing.

I do hope this has been useful. I shall visit your port again soon.

Write on and then write on again.

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Review of The Verdict  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey Ther Professor Moriarty *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I caught your story on the Shameless Plug page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Your story was bittersweet. You offered the reader's this family man who has great pride for his culture, tradition, and of course, his family...but then hope for this small fishing village dies by the authority of a court decision. I can sense the grave disappointment in Abdul great job with depicting emotion and helping the reader sense the agony of his defeat.

I think overall you have a wonderful story. Touching and Tragic.

What is lacking for me was the 'sense' of this village. I wanted to sense it in every way. Savor the smells and the sights.

Your story could benefit from descriptions and details. You did a great job in helping the reader picture Abdul, but what are the colors and the smells and the life of this village by the sea? Hep the reader envision it.

You could have a powerful and poinant story with a little refining. "It's best not to just Tell the story Show us the story. Bring us into this fishing village in to Abdul's world...its beauty, its harshness, its colors. Let your words paint a picture.

Really, the only other observation is a little repetition in the following sentence "It was still early morning still as Abdul rowed the boat back to the beach. Your story has the substance. It has the emotion and the plot but it's lacking 'life' because you didn't take the reader's on a journey...you are just telling us about a man, his love, life and his despair. It's obvious you have the skills and the ability...and this has such grand potential, show us this fishing village, it's beauty and its ugliness.

Well, I do hope this was useful and I hope my thoughts are taken in the spirit for which they were intended.

Write on and then write on some more!

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134
134
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There DJD *noet4**Note4*

Greetings, I caught your piece on the Shamless Plug Page and stopped in for a laugh, Well I expected to anyway. *Bigsmile* I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What I did like about this is you spoke the truth. Consumers waste hours upon hours surfing the net for no other reason then they're addicted to the all it promises and possibilities. And you are right, the on-line communities are as numerous as stars on a clear night. many are on the verge of uselessness, or sublime, even outrageous and others offer useful information that can help us with all our questions or concerns. I mean, after all, when I'm having odd pains or concerns...I just google women's health, or stroke symptoms and my fears are usually quelled. *Wink*

We are indeed a nation of 'behind the scenes communicators' If we aren't surfing the net or emailing, we are texiting and blackberry'ing someone who may be in the same house but a different room! Now that should be cause for concern. We are slowly losing our ability to socialize. Aaargh! *Shock*

It's daunting really.

I think you were effective in highlighting some of the absurdity. The computer and the web are definitely culturizing us and it isn't always a pretty picture.

This was a light-hearted look into the troubling aspects of "surfing" I can't say I laughed out loud, oh excuse me, LOL! After all, I want to be culturally correct. and Internet savvy. *Bigsmile*

I think you piece could use a little polish and refining. I think some of your points were repeats of what you already touched and I did catch a few little errors you may want to address.

Send friend request to all your friends just to show them that you have signed up before them I think 'request' should be plural as in 'requests"

and have never gone out of your house for the last 20 years A little contradiction here. Perhaps simplify by saying and haven't gone out of the house for 20 years.


It’s a great way of killing time and at the same time looking important and noble. A little repetition where I underlined. And 'noble' was also used a sentence or two further in the paragrpah.


I think your piece was interesting and light-hearted. I think it was effective in the fact it highlighted our obsession with the Internet and all the 'on-line communities' some useful, most not, as well as all the search engines and web address and the craziness of it all. Its both fascinating and frightening. Unfortunately, I think the internet, while bringing people together in some ways...also desensitizes them in others and certainly, we have become too lazy to walk into the next room and involve ourselves in 'family time' or touch base with friends over the phone or knock on the dang door. But this is the social price we pay for convenience. *Shock*

I think your piece, though perhaps not intentionally, touched on a deeper issue, some of what I mentioned above. I can sense in the tone of the piece the absurdity of some of the 'Internet skills' we've acquired to make texting and emailing and surfing simpler and faster. Ultimately, I wonder, what price are we to pay tomorrow?

The Internet is without a doubt 'a double edge sword' Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I do hope this has been of some use to you.

Write on and then write on some more! GTG!

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Review of Like Long Ago  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Dave *Note4**Note4*

Greetings I caught your non-fiction story on the Request a Review page and slid in for a read. i hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions int he spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Goodness...I sensed how difficult it was to contain the excitement of retelling a special moment...way back when.

Your writing has a lot of energy and evokes a lot of feeling. I could certainly grasp your excitement . *Wink*

Every word was packed with feeling and every sentence that flowed into a paragraph substantiated how magical it was to you as a young boy.

Your writing had so much excitement in that I even got sucked in and I don't care much for football, oopps, baseball.*Bigsmile* But you made me want to know why that memory is so dear to you. *Wink*

I thought this was well written and I caught only one minor typo: "Heck, try to hold onto seven seven of anything, " perhaps just one seven?

At first, I was thinking, wow, you've spent a good amount of time listing all the details of your day to day activities, I was wondering where it was going., Then I realized, well this is just the beginning, so I just may have to visit your port so I can discover what has you so excited. *Wink*

You thrust me into this magical moment...you made me as exhilarated as the memory still makes you and well, that says a lot about your ability to write! Superb!

I can't say much else, except, good writing, full of energy and magic and you really know how to keep the reader's on the edge, even it's something as simple as a magical moment in time...one young boy's memory when times were simpler and life was about the thrill of discovery and innocence.

Thanks for sharing.

Write on and then write on some more!

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Review of the layoff  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There talkingpen *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a review page and stopped in for a read. i hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Overall, you have a decent story here. There is substance in your theme that makes for a good solid story. There's action and conflict and more importantly, hope.

For me, the 'hope' is the strongest element in this story. The hope that one closed door opens and just like that, you can find your true calling or at least be motivated to explore. I liked that aspect of this story. So well done!

Your story, however, isn't without it's 'rough spots" You could certainly cut back on some of the repetitiveness and wordiness. And while it's important to keep the reader's informed not every move needs to be detailed. it's ok to allow the reader to surmise some of the resolution and some of the character's moves.

I hope you don't mind me making a few suggestions.

I passed a few “safety first poster.” Here, I think it may be more correct to make poster plural as in "posters" otherwise, the sentence doesn't read correctly


and it had a finger that seemed to be pointing at the viewer from no matter where they looked at the poster. The previous sentence is a good example of wordiness. I think you could say more with less. For example: "...and the finger seemed to be directed at you no matter what angle you looked at the poster. Just an example.

I reached the door that separated the front office from the factory. Stepping through this door always seemed like stepping into another realm. The door was the border between the blue collar, heavy machinery, and concrete floor dimension and the white collar, cubicles, and carpeted floor world. I just wanted to highlight an example of redundancy. Sometimes, it better and more effective to keep it simple.

I stepped lively to the office of Dana Kalowski our human resource manager. at the time. I am not sure why but I always tried to look confident and sure of myself when I was walking past the employees in a suit and tie.
I think this is an example of giving the readers more information than they need. Does it really matter to the whole of the story that she is the human resource manager 'at the time" ?

I sat down and scanned the office like I had every time I had been in there before. I think you could streamline this sentence a bit so it read smoother. With little else to do but wait, I scanned the room, something I'd done numerous times before.

“Why the @#$% don’t you lose your job. You don’t make the company any money,” I thought, as I politely thanked her. At first I thought the character was saying this before you mention "I thought" so you may want to put internal thoughts in italics such as Why the *&^% don't you lose your job.... ."

Mike took two slice right away and quickly gulped the first one down.
would be more correct to make slice slices.

I fail asleep that night in my recliner watching cable news and woke up a few hours later than I had wanted. a little typo with the word I underlined. And here again, ask your self, how is this information important to the,theme,plot, resolution or character development.


leaving the dinerThen as I walking out; I a little typo.

The crowd slowly began to usher in as I watched dust dance in a ray of sun that snuck past the painted windows that lined the windows. I watched A couple of things going on here. Over all, a nice description. Just a bit wordy and repetitive. Perhaps: The crowds began ushering in as the day gave way to night. Solemnly I watched dust dance in the last ray of sun sneaking through the paint-chipped window. or something to that effect. Changing your sentence structure can add more drama and life.


You have a good beginning. I love the 'hopeful' aspects of this story and your main character seems to be positive even in the worst of times. He seems to
look for ways to take one bad event and turn it into opportunities. And that's a great characteristic. The reader's love a champion, even in the smallest of ways.

This has grand potential it just needs refining and polishing, a little proofreading.

I do hope this has been useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

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Review of Laughter  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There chilande *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I wished I had laughed. I guess it's one of those instances where you have to be in the moment to bubble over in laughter. Though I didn't find humor in your moment, I certainly got the sense you did, and really that is what's important. In this mini short, I got the sense you found humor in the moment and inspiration to go on stage and characterize.

I do think this is unique, however I do think the delivery is a bit weak. Technically, there is wordiness in the senteces and it's best to always capitalize the I.

For instance, you wrote:" I usually don’t pay attention to people’s appearance and particularly on that day as i was preoccupied with the show coming up on that night at the theatre. It was going to be my first time on stage and already i was losing my wits about me." I think you could edit out some of the superfluous words which will help to tighten up the sentence so it flows smoother. Maybe: I don't pay attention to people's appearances and on that particularly day, I was preoccupied with show at the theatre later that night. It would be my first time on stage and I was both petrified and psyched. " Or something similar. The point being, the sentence becomes more active rather than passive which also adds more insight into characterization. Just thoughts to ponder.


In the following sentence you wrote: "i have a sweet tooth, when the spoon was sent flying across the table to land at the feet of an especially angry looking woman .she must have been having a bad day." One easy trap all writers fall into is is telling the story rather than showing. What's missing in the scene is descriptions that capture the events as they're unfolding so the reader can envision them. What made her especially angry? What facial expressions or body language. "Showing" the reading audience is more engaging that telling.

This has the potential to be a funny and poignant moment, but it falls a bit short because it needs refining and a bit more work on characterization and more 'show' than tell. Of course these are just observations. I think you have a good theme, you have the elements of writing it just needs a little more polish.


Oh, and i think it's best to capitalize the I though e.e.cummings may disagree *Wink*

Write on and then write on some more

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Review of BOUNDING HOME  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Note3**Note3* Hey There DRSmith *Note3**Note3*

Greetings Friend! Thanks for sending me a link to "Bounding Home" It was a sheer pleasure reading it again. And though I have read and reviewed prior, it's changed so much.

In fact, I thought it was excellent before, this read through, I'm speechless. This is so polished and refined. Professional, actually, publishable.

I noted all the editing and the work you've put in to this rewrite. And though it does read differently, the theme, plot and charcters remain as memorable and profound as the first read through.

It's an honor to read your work because it's perfection. Your writing is masterful. Each word so well chosen, every scene well constructed. The storyline, the characters the internal/external conflict compelling, believable and touching. I hope you know, I'm not just writing fluff here, I'm truly in awe of your work.

You have propelled the reader into the acton. We see first hand the horrors of war, its destruction and it's aftermath. It's both disconcerting and poignant because you bring so much emotion, hitting us hard and yet allowing us to see tender moments in the midst of so much grief and pain.

I have nothing, of course, to offer as far as observations or suggestions. *Wink*

It was a pleasure to revisit Bounding Home, and to see a true author at work.

Thanks again for the link

as always
kjo

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139
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Note3**Note3* Hey There C.F Hughes *Note3**Note3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and was intrigued by the tag line so I stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful.Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

You have presented an interesting yet disturbing view when faced with the end.

I thought you captured the essence of the 'end' for a select few with effectiveness. It was believable and reasonable considering the plot.

It's difficult and shameful to think, anyone (19) would react with such cold-hearted brutality in one moment and then with deep compassion in another.

You did a good job in constructing your scenes which moved the plot along with ease.

There was this essence of chaos, in the overall tone...and in a sense, this is a brutal exposition into the hearts of some men.

I found it evocative, compelling and disconcerting.

I thought the added supplications helped to breathe hope into the story.

I do have a couple of observations. The first is to consider breaking each entry up in to paragrpahs with spaces in between to give the reader pause. As it stands now, the mountain of text is a bit unforgiving on the eyes and it does interfer with not just the presentation but also the flow and the readability of the story. You can control the pace by utilizing, spaces, punctuation and paragrpahs allowing the reader to savor the scenes as they unfold.


The other observation is the following sentence:t this because you mention a previously clean floor and yet, even earlier, Coffee, spit on the floor, so it could be clean. Just a little issue with continuity nothing serious and easy to repair if you so desire.
 Cola sat up so fast he overturned the empty pizza box sitting on the console. Oiled cheese residue splashed onto the once-clean floor.

This world of yours is rather harsh and apocalyptic. I suspect, it needs to be to get to the heart of man's actions and reactions. I do agree, that their are as many ways to react as there are minutes to count.

Anyway, an interesting study into the heart of man. There are layers of meanings to these snipits of perceptions. The action is part of what captures the reader's interest as well as the effective use of dialogue

This does need a little polishing. Thanks for sharing. I do hope you found this useful.

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140
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There Britt- working on new stories! *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Britt, I think you have a good start to a great story. With a little editing to smooth out the rough spots, this could be a wonderful heartfelt story.

You already have exhibited many of the vital elements of effective story-writing! Superb!

Nice use of action and emotion and conflcit.

You've given us some good character development already for this introductory chapter: Ciara, the monster and even Heath. So well done!

I would say this reads like a draft only because there is proofreading and editing that needs to be done. There are a few errors. I will label them typo's, but if you did a thorough proofread, you may have found them. They are not misspellings, just wrong word choices for your intended meaning.

It was Heath the found me I'm pretty sure you meant 'that' instead of the?

Joe to take core of me and care instead of core?

She young, maybe in her late twenties and she had a nice smile. "She" should be plural, as in "She is" or "She's"

Her golden hair was twisted into a French Knot and a pair of sunglasses rest on the top of her head. And in this sentence, i think 'rested' could be more appropriate.

These are all easy to fix and mistakes that are common for every writer. We just get in the 'zone' and sometimes forget to read our senteces out loud. I do it too!


In the following sentence, may i offer an observations? You want to make every word count and you want every word to be not just effective but active. So in the final sentence, I think it might make add more drama to the situation if you were to say: It was him and I knew he was looking for me. " I shrank deeper into the shadows of the alley and wished I really could just be invisible. I knew it was him and I knew he was looking for me.

sometimes simple and direct is better. But it's your story, you decide. *Wink*

You've added a lot of emotion to this story. Many of your words are powerful and add punch to the meaning. So, write on!

You done a good job with constructing your scenes so the plot unfolds with ease. I like the use of mystery. We know something bad has happened but you haven't given us too many details yet! Perfect!

You're off to a great start! This just needs a little polishing and refining so it can shine like the gem you intended it to be.

i do hope this has been useful.

Write on then write on some more!

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Review of The Knockout  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hey There George *Flower3* *Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a review page and stopped in for a review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Well Well, Well, and Achmmn. *Shock* and *Blush*. As far as the elements of story writing go, you've got your self an effective story here.

There is character development, action and conflict to overcome.

Your plot unfolded with ease and the overall storyline is original with a dab of humor.

Nice job with some of the metaphors such as: The sand-filled bag jerked and jangled at the end of its chain like a condemned prisoner dangling from a hangman's rope.

Overall, this was well written. Edited so every word counts with active words that meet their intended mark. Superb! As far as grammar and the mechanics of writing, I have no suggestions. Excellent!

The only comment I have is more from a personal level, an emotional response to the over all characterization of the boxer. For the most part your characterization was believable. and life-like. And though I understand the necessity of the appendage to the 'bulk' of the story, it seemed a bit stereotypical to me. And the fact that Theresa was a 'white women' just added to the connotations surrounding 'race." This isn't a criticism, by any means, just an observation. For some reason, that aspect of the story bothered me a bit.

With that being said and out of the way, my rating does not include my 'emotional response' to this story. it is based off the effectiveness of the story as a whole and it's elements of story writing.

I do hope this has been useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

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Review of The Flight  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There Seeker*Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

This is a well edited and compelling story! I was thoroughly engaged from the opening paragraph to the end. It was simple, but not simplistic, polished refined and appealing. Superb!

Wonderful use of action and conflict which helped to move the plot along. In fact, your well tailored, effective words gave this story eloquence.

It is a simple theme, this innate desire for freedom at all costs, and yet, the hawks desire for flight, for freedom and to soar in the sky, was captivating. Excellent!

Though it's just one hawks struggle for freedom, it has a deeper meaning, thus, giving your story layers.

I think it was original in its plot and executed flawlessly. I saw nothing I could suggest changing! fantastic!

Thanks for inviting me and and for sharing this insightful story.

Write on and then write on some more!

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Review of Nightmares  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There Bec Morgan *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I see you are a bit of a Newbie, Welcome to Writing.com. I saw your item listed on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Bec, you're off to a good start. You have some effective and wonderful descriptions and I can sense the doom and the dread in the air as well as the trepidation of your character. So that's great!

Too, you've giving the reader's clues, creating a mystery and yet it hasn't been revealed yet, so this gives the reader's a sense of anticipation. Well Done!

There are a few issues with your story. it needs polishing and refining.

Shivers creep repetitively dwn her spine. here you have a little typo, it should be down


Sleep comes, but pleasant dreams do not. Awful howlings penetrate her peaceful state of sleep. Here, you've contradicted yourself by referring to the sleep as unpleasant then peaceful Just a little issue with continuity, easy enough to fix.


I'd like to also challenge you to edit out some of the adverbs. Adding an 'ly' to your word doesn't make the word more descriptive. In fact, you could remove the adverb without losing any meaning to the sentence. Instead try to add more words in the adverbs place to create more insight into characterization or conflict or action. For instance:, you wrote "She anxiously paces back and forth by her curtains." Perhaps, she paced back and forth wearing bare foot prints into the carpet. She peered out her curtain periodically and shivered from within. You might not like my words, but I'm sure you get my point. It adds another dimension to your character, drama to the moment and helps the reader care about what happens next.

Just thoughts for you to ponder!


Just another observation: You wrote :The cry of a distant animal pierces the night, and she runs to the window. The first part of your sentence is wonderful and descriptive. Beside her belief, the sky is not dark. Perhaps the moon is a little rounder that it was the night before.
But there was a typo in the second half, where I underlined.

Proof reading is vital, but even then ,we miss errors. I do too! {e;wink}

I think you have the beginnings of a frightful story. There are some wonderful elements of writing already. it does need polishing and refining. Easy enough to edit if you choose.

I do hope this has been useful. If I can assist you in anyway, navigating around writing.com or if you want me to re-read after you edit, just email me. I
d be glad to oblige.

Write on and then write on some more!

Kjo just groovin
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144
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There Michael Newman *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! You are receiving this review as a 'pay it forward' gesture. Thank you for visiting my port and reading one of my items!

I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Yeow and holy cannoli! This certainly isn't Alvin and the chipmunks!

You have a wonderful flair for comedy.

Your story was engaging, humorous and a sheer pleasure to read. The antics and the plan was 'just like a man' I believed your character and his dilemma.

Nice use of conflict resolution, especially with a hefty dose of humor.

The ending was a nice unexpected surprise.

I thought you words were effective, direct and active. No superfluous words cluttered your senteces. Every word was used with precision for effect and for meaning. Superb!

Excellent use of action. Slow and deliberate helping the plot unfold. Your story read with ease.

I saw nothing I could suggest changing. It was well edited, polished and refined.

Thanks for the chuckles and for the opportunity to visit your port.

Write on and then write on some more!

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Review of Forever Yours  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There Michael Newman *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! You are receiving this review as part of the Power Reviewers raid. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Talk about taking "love thy neighbor ' to another level. *Bigsmile*Goodness. This story has a dirty little secret *Shock*

Poor old fool. sure got himself in a pickle.

I think you did a great job of depicting his predicament. For such a short story, nice job with characterization. i was sorry to see him take he cowards way out. But it made for good reading,

It was a little explicit and harsh but so is the theme so I think it was necessary the act (s) be harsh as well. Nice job of constructing the scenes, the conflict and the ending which was unexpected. Though Bill made a huge mistake in judgement you did give him some humanity simply because he was aware of the gravity of his choices ...but the solution to his conflict, was yet another error in judgment. Oh the depravity of dirty old men and manipulative girls. *Bigsmile*

I saw nothing I could suggest changing. You told the story in a believable manner. It was well written and I saw no errors in the mechanics of writing or in grammar so , well done.

This was an interesting read. Straightforward and effective.

I hope this has been useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

kjo just groovin

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146
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There Renee (RJS) *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! You are receiving this review as part of the Power Reviewers raid. Thank you for leaving your request on the review page/ I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

You have a sweet little story here. it's original, inventive and endearing. though this is just a story, I feel like I know a little more about this 'fantastical' creature named Cupid.

You've given him some good character development. The fact that he hates his name, helps to make your character beleivable, rounded and someone the reader can conned to.

You've don a great job with constructing your scenes which helps to move the plot along. Simple, but effective use of action and conflict.

I do have a few suggestions if I may?

The rest of his day went by at a crawl, he would have to be very clever to believers of Mack and Rose. A couple issues with this sentence. It's actually two complete sentences so the comma creates a run-on and it needs a little clarifying. Perhaps: The rest of the day crawled by. He knew he'd have to be clever to make believers out of Mack and Rose. ?


This death had to be as real as possible. He knew that he could not just disappear the way he liked. No, this time he had to have a real death, corpse and all. He knew it would not be a simple matter. I think this sentence could be simplified a little it's a bit wordy. His death had to be as real as possible and he couldn't just disappear, though the idea appealed to him. This time he'd have to pull off a real death, corpse and all. ?

“I love you two two should be too?

The spell he would be working would be more complicated that most of the, again, just a bit wordy. Some Days it's more effective to just simplify and make every word count. The spell would be more complicated then any other spell he'd concocted. ?

He had decided the best way to get them both to there would be a “wonderful announcement”. This sentence needs a little clarification: He decided telling them about " wonderful announcement" would bring them both to the restaurant. ? or something to that effect.

You have a clever story here. You've taken an iconic symbol and made him human-like. There is emotion and a sweetness to your story that is appealing.

It does need some refining and polishing to live up to its grand potential. You're almost there! I do hope this has been useful.

Write on and then write on some more!


Kjo just groovin


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Review of Catharsis  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hey There Oblomov *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story listed on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Yeow and Holy Cannoli! This is a disturbing story. *Shock*
I think you have managed to capture Virginia's heartache and her madness.

It added to the appeal of the story to share a bit of Virginia's background, but too much takes away from the theme, conflict and plot. I wonder, how important is Virgina's financial status to the state of her mind? Just a thought to ponder.
I certainly agree, some is vital because it sets the angel of staying home and affording the procedure and for raising the child. *Wink*

I think you captured the essence of the distraught mom and of the decaying child. Yeow! *Wink* Nice Job with descriptions and with overall pace and tone.

I do have some observations to make if I may?

stiff as a stone. I wonder if 'a' is needed. I think stiff as stone is descriptive enough ?

Her plumpish but withering figure was covered in drooping skin. She was a motherly-looking creature in her mid-forties I thought the description here between plumpish and withering seemed a bit contradictory

She dated during college, but never entered a serious relationship, and by the time she was in her thirties she had nearly stopped looking. In this sentence just wanted to point my observations on punctuation. Perhaps, She dated during college but never entered a serious relationship, and by the time she reached her thirties, she stopped looking. Just thoughts to ponder.

As time passed, she longed to have a family, but without a significant other spent years living alone, letting time pass as she buried herself in her work.
A little repetition with 'time and pass/passed.

And finally, refering to the baby as 'it' is a bit jarring, especially when she loved Savannah so much "She carried the bloated body to the sink where she prepared to give it a bath .

You have a great start here. Your story is inventive and descriptive, a bit disturbing but I suspect you wanted a shocking response from the reader. *Wink*

You've captured the essence of much of the hopelessness of the mother. That's fantastic! Considering you gave the reader a little background information on Virginia who seems to a reasonable adult, her reaction to the corpse is a bit unbelievable. You did a great job of helping the reader believe her fragile state-of-mind, and yet, her reaction, seems so out-of-context. I was left wondering, Was the mother all that stable to begin with?

Just thoughts to ponder. Otherwise, with a little polishing and editing, this could be a deliciously disturbing horror story. Yeow!

I do hope you found this useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

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148
148
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There GodsPrincess *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and was intrigued by your title. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestion in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Aaaah, a night to remember, we all long for nights like that. *Wink*

There is a sort of longing-romantic air about the tone of your story. And then deceit! This element of deception helps to make this very short story mysterious and inviting as the reader is enveloped in this long embrace between your two charcters.

In fact, for such a short story, the reader learns quite a lot about both your characters. Though we know little to nothing about their background, or what brought them together, the fact they are feeding upon each other's desire, is indeed, intriguing.

I think you have some wonderfully effective senteces, words that help give substance to their union under the moon and stars. For instance: "She skittishly glanced at his sullen face and simply blushed, the vast moonlight caressing her and enhancing her features even the more." This is a wonderful descriptive sentence allowing the reader to pulled into her innocence.
Also, I loved some of your out-of-the-ordinary, but appealing, descriptions such as: "...he allowed himself to be persuaded by the moon’s parental scoff as he held his betrothed ever so tighter tight as if shielding her from dangers... ." Wonderful!

The ending line was by far my favorite. So romantic and rich.
"The man leaned forward ever so slightly and their lips met under the gaze of a full moon and the whispering, callow stars." Excellent!

I do feel your story needs a little polishing and refining. Take for example your opening sentence: "Esoteric as the day is long, his evergreen forest-coloured trench coat twirling about madly with her in his strong, lithe arms." Aesthetically it's lovely. But it doesn't excite me as the reader. There is some action, which is vital to hook the reader, but the pretentious opening phrase, is a bit perplexing to me. It needs clarifying. I wonder, how is his trench coat esoteric as the day is long? Just a thought to ponder.

She opened her mouth, started to say something, anything she thought would impress him, but she thought it best to say naught and simply…blushed. In the above sentence, I'd like to caution you about repetition and wordiness. The repeated use of 'thought' and then the use of superfluous words that don't really add meaning to your sentence, but serve as fillers, weigh your overall sentence down. And I'm not sure about the 'blushed' it seems like and odd interjection. perhaps: She opened her mouth as if to speak, hoping to impress him but decided to say naught, blushing instead.

Sometimes its best to just keep it simple.

In the following sentence, here again, just wanted to share an observation about the use of wordiness and repetition, of 'tux/tuxedo." "He wore a simple midnight and white coloured tux that would have appeared to be just an ordinary tux, nothing spectacular about it, to those who were outside" looking in. But to the seldom few who knew the true tale, this tuxedo the man wore was no ordinary tux. I also wanted to add,
your statement of the tux is intriguing, but it raised unanswered questions, how does the Tuxedo, make this man? Just thoughts for you to consider.

You are certainly on the right track. There was so much to appreciate in this short story as I've mentioned above. It just needs a little polishing so it can be all it promises to be. I do love the aesthetic quality and mysteriousness of this story. Well Done!

Write on and then write on some more!

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149
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There Beatle *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. i hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Holy Cannoli and Goodness gracious! Talk about a dark, dreary, depressing and horrifying place.

Your story is very disturbing.

However, it was written well and compelling. I was fascinated and yet repulsed by your words and by this, this debased city and all it foulness. *Shock*

Great things arrise out of great imaginations. Yeow! *Wink*

Your have given the reader's a vivid picture of this city and its creatures. Your words are richly powerful, full of depravity, meeting their intended mark with precise effectiveness. Ouch! *Bigsmile*

I do have some observations If I may?

While you've given the reader a vivid picture of the setting, you haven't introduced us to any characters. And a plot hasn't been revealed as of yet. I suspect, this will come as you add chapters.

And I do have a few editing suggestions.

The first of the affected, back when the condition was a new horror and not a constant source of anxiety, In the phrase I've placed in bold, the word 'anxiety' seems a bit mild in comparison to some of your other strong word choices. It doesn't have the same impact and seems rather peculiar to the depraved conditions of the setting. Just a thought for you to consider.

Well, almost impervious. The metal had originally been a clean white colour, like that of a pristine hospital ward, or of a new child’s tooth, untouched by all external poisons and pleasures. Nothing wrong with the above sentence, I just wanted to highlight your excellent use of methaphors giving the reader an idea of how 'pristine' the city under steel used to be. Excellent!

It wasn’t long after the learning of the apocalypse that the sky turned a nicotine-stained yellow and cast an unhealthy sepia over the world below it, just as the prophecies foretold. I think your opening sentence while effective in hooking the reader, is a bit pretentious. I think you could polish if a bit by making it more direct and simple. Perhaps: Not long after the apocalypse, the sky turned a nicotine-stained yellow casting and unhealthy sepia over the world just as the prophecies foretold. Again, just a thought to ponder.

You're off to an powerful start. Your descriptions are chilling. You certainly understand the fine line between details and descriptions. Your writing style is to-the-point. No fluff, just the necessary words needed to let the story unfold. You are telling the story exceptionally well which is fine for the introductory chapter but it's imperative you also show the reader's, as you know, you can do this by introducing villains and heroes/heroines and giving them conflict to overcome. I have no doubt these elements of effective story-writing are soon to be revealed.

So far I shudder to read your words, they are evanescent and this world is rifled with disorder and debauchery, now enlighten us with characters we can connect to whether its through love or hate and don't forget the action, for without action to move the plot along, all you have is a summary, a brutal exposition of world without hope. *Wink* Something tells me, you are aware of this.

Thus far, you have a provocative and apocalyptic opening chapter that appears to have some underlying supplications. I find this rather intrguing. Superb!

I do hope you've found this useful.

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Review of Stranger  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There Charamer *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your item on the Request a Review page and thought I'd stop in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Charamer, I think you're off to a great start with your story. For such a short item you've done a superb job of setting up the scene and the plot was revealed by the action and the dialogue. Excellent!

Not bad characterization on the man in your story. The reader's catch a glimpse of the stranger by his actions and his words, so this is a vital to the effectivenss of your story! Well done!

I do have some observations if I may?

One of the first things that caught my attention is the pace of the story. The use of short and to-the-point sentences are great but, the readers need to savor the substance of the story. All the short sentences speed the pace up and the plot unfolds in two-fold *Shock* Slow things down a bit by varying the lengths of your sentences. Just a suggestion of course! *Wink*

Your opening sentence, which I copied below, could use a little editing. I would simply remove 'down' because it's unnecessary. The word 'crumbling' is descriptive enough and most readers understand that if something is crumbling, it'll usually fall down. It's not always necessary to state the obvious. Let the reader's surmise a bit.

Friends say that she was a nice girl; one that would not be found alone in a basement party…” In the previous sentence, you may want to watch the use of 'that' it isn't always necessary. "That' isn't wrong and it can be most helpful, but oft times, it just weighs the sentence down. Perhaps:
"Friends say she was a nice girl and wouldn't go to a basement party alone." As you can see, I also changed your sentence around a bit. This is because, the way it is structured now, seems a little conflicting. "alone in a basement party' Party suggests more than one... I'm sure you get my meaning *Wink*

I think you have a great ending because it does add to the mystery of the girl, but I must confess, I read it a couple of times. At first I was a little puzzled and then after the third read, the light bulb went off. Part of my confusion, was in the quickness, this time in the changes of scenes and settings.

You certainly have the beginnings a intriguing murder-mystery here and it's great that you've left the ending open a continuation of the story. I think this needs a little refining and polishing so it can shine like the gem it promises to be!

I love your direct and active writing style! Well done! I hope this has been of some use to you.

Good luck with the publication.


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