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101
101
Review of The Interview  
Rated: E | (4.5)

*Note4**Note4* Hey There coast to coast and back RT *Note4**Note4*


Greetings! I came to this story after reading another reviewer and thought, I should check it out. I was intriqued, so here I am. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the itnent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What a great perspective, telling a story of an interview about an historical event from a families experience. I thought this was powerful and thought-provoking. You wrote this with a lot of emotion and it does make one think about how insensitive we've become. It's as if we are satisfied and compliant and how easily we forget how much evil there is an how many have suffered in that evil.

Thank you for reminding us how thousands were forced to live...to be degraded, abused and murdered with such maliciousness. Doesn't history teach this anymore? I guess, as you mentioned, we are so wrapped up in the ''now.

This was beautifully presented and well written. As I mentioned, powerful with many layers and back stories that gave it substance and merit.

I do have a couple very minor observations. This is not to say, your way is wrong. I just wanted to mention a couple places were you were redundant.
If I may?


You wrote: "We were all sitting in the Thursday afternoon session of Multi-cultural Communications 201. I had grown used to the fact that in the majority of my classes, I was by far the oldest student in the class and in this case, I had perhaps 15 years on the professor as well. At 51 and determined to finally have my degree, it no longer bothered me to be teased and called Grandma by the other students. In this particular class, the ages ranged from 19 to the second oldest in the class." Perhaps you may want to reconsider the use of 'class" so much Maybe: We were all sitting in the Thusday afternoon session of Mulit-Cultural Commumcations 201. I'd grown used to the fact I was, by far the oldest student and I even had perhaps, fifteen years on the professor. At 51, I was determined to get my degree and it non longer bothered me to be teased and called Grandma. In this class, the ages ranged from nineteen to the second oldest. " Just a suggestion of course. But I think it relives the sentence from it's heaviness and makes it a bit smoother to remove some of the repetitiveness.


Here again, just a little repetition.. I had written about a 91 year old Micmac Indian storyteller who was the oldest Micmac Indian in the country.


She made the comment that different cultures didn't have to mean that people were any different from you or me, that we were all people and that was the bottom line. In the above sentence, perhaps to much reliance on that? She made the comment that different cultures didn't mean people were any different from you or me; the bottom line, we are all people. Again, just a suggestion.

Anyway. I thought this was stunning, sad , powerful and thought-provoking. The point-of-view was fantastic!

Thanks for sharing and for not letting us forget.

Write on and then Write on some more!

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102
102
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Lawrence *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! You are receiving this review as part of the Power Reviewers Raid and because you've always been so supported of my reviews,sending me little notes with GPS. I thought it was time to visit your port and give back.
I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Since this was well written, (of course it was!) and it isn't a story or an article, not even poetry which you are quite brilliant at, it's difficult to comment on because it so personal. best I can do is comment on the subject and include my thoughts. DISCLAIMER: *Wink* I'm best at reviewing short stories and in fact I searched for a story and only saw poetry. Perhaps, when I'm feeling a little more daring, I will be back to review some poetry. I know I won't be disappointed.

I think this is a perfect "proclamation"(if you will) to your return to writing.com. Welcome back! You are right, oft times the choices we "need" to make are not always the choices we "like" to make. But we know deep in our core, they are the best choices. Sometimes they are tough because we may have to give up activities we love to improve other aspects of our lives. And health is certainly one of those. It seems like you are on solid ground, and know what's best for you. That says a lot. I know it couldn't have been easy to leave...it was obvious to me you loved this site and being a moderator...but sometimes our affiliations take up so much of our energy...we lose sight of other important factors in our lives.

This is a simple declaration...and yet it speaks volumns. it's out with the old and having the courage to begin fresh, so fresh you don't even post any of your previous static items, now that says something profound and meaningful about your character.

This is a celebration of sorts and I congratulate you.

Ease back in, take your time. It seems you understand how fragile life and health is and we get so wrapped up in the details of life we forget just how fragile we are.

So again, welcome back Lawrence. Thank you for all your support. You probably don't know how wonderful those little emails with a thumbs up, or a wink, or the words "nice review" are to me. They do make my day and I know you do it because you understand we all need a little encouragement and because well, this is just the kind of 'heart' you have. So Thumps up to You.

I hope you found some use for this. And don't you send me any GPS for reviewing this...haha *Wink* Hope you found the humor in the line. *Bigsmile*
I'll be back.

Write on and then write on some more

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103
103
Review of Memories of Fall  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Note4**Note4* hey There Winnie *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! You are receiving this Review as Part of the Power Review raid. and because you visited my port and I love to 'pay it forward' *Wink* I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Winnie there is something melodic about this piece. Its so simple and yet,
it was a pleasure to read. It was sad and yet so lovely. The tenderness of Wilma remembering moments with her beloved and he, was so gentle and loving, encouraging her to stay strong until she is with him in eternity. This is a tribute to the power of love and the sanctity of marriage.

All the various elements that make this short story successful: characterization, dialogue, emotion and setting were in perfect harmony , supported by well chosen words and a theme many readers can relate too.

Why it was as if I was an observer, watching this tender memory unfold. It was endearing and heart-felt.

This was very well written

I only have one observation. You wrote: "The emerald green of his eyes looks into my soul and my heart aches." Something about the above sentence bothers me. I can't put my finger on. It's too late and I'm cross-eyed *Wink**Bigsmile* But it seems "it's the 'eyes looks' Something seems odd about it, but it could just be me.

This was just beautifully presented. I believed Wilma's recollection of their conversations. it seems exactly how eternal lovers/ spouses would talk to each other. It was a pleasure to be a witness to such devoted and powerful love. I liked the fact she found relief and the strength to go on another day by recalling Thomas. His spirited presence seemed to comfort her and give her peace about being together gain in the after-life. Superb!

Overall Excellent!

it was a pleasure to read this touching story and to visit your port again. I see you are doing well! I had no doubt *Wink*

Write on and then write on some more!

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104
104
Review of Transcend  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

*Note4**Note4* Hey There AnyaKyto *Note4**Note4*




Greetings! You are receiving this review as part of our Power reviewers raid. Thank you for posting your request on our “Review Me List.” I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader’s perspective.


This is a disturbing story with a twist. I suspected what the vile scene unfolding was but I wasn’t expecting the ‘son’ so it was a bit of a shock. *Shock* Great use of twist and setting the scene. I could sense the ‘son’s discust and his shame.

Though the author tried to distance the ‘son’ from the rape by having him stare into the shapes of the trees, I could still sense his shame and pain and anger.

Excellent use of emotion!



This was as profound as it was disturbing and depraved. It’s a theme we never want to hear about and wish it was fiction rather than actual accounts of brutality and violence in the name of ‘love’ which sickens me.


I salute your bravery and courage to write about such a vile theme and do it convincingly. Even in impending “death he caused as much agony as he did in life.” That is a powerful and profound statement which helps elevate this story to
another level of malevolence . it is thought-provoking and shocking.

I have no observations and for the most part this was well written with no glaring errors in mechanics of writing or in grammar.

Stylistically, you seem to have a gift for shocking the reader with disturbing themes and forceful words. There is a lot of emotion in this story which helps the reader rally behind the characters. There is no strong character development. Not defined action, just raw emotion, a disturbing scene and the the affect it has on the victim. Who, chooses to live life not being a victim. A champion in deed.

Thanks for sharing. I hope you found this useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

Kjo
105
105
Review of Edge of Reality  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Belinda_HauntedMo*Note4**Note4*

Greetings! You are receiving this review as part of the Power reviewers Raid. Thank you for requesting a review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.


I must say, this was impeccable as far as grammar and the mechanics of writing are concerned. Well written and interesting use point-of-view. Superb!

Overall, your story is intriguing and provocative.

Your writing is solid and this story is a fine example of utilizing some of the elements of story writing. Excellent

I do have a couple of issues I'd like to comment on If I may? The first one is as a reader, I felt distant from your character. Perhaps this was due to the narrative style. I felt like I was reading a well documented article out of the newspaper. It seemed to be missing emotion. As if, the author was only interested in stating facts.

I didn't feel any connection to Leah...though you characterized her well. And I did'nt find my self empathizing with her conflicts, her trials and triumphs. This may be because a story about Leah was being told rather then, Leah's life being 'shown" through character development, nuances, reactions/actions/ mannerisms, ect. In this sense, she seems robotic and flat as a character.

The other comment I have is the extensive over use of adverbs. You have quite a few for such a short story. Adverbs are a styling choice. the choice to use them isn't grammatically incorrect, but they do tend to make us lazy in our writing. They don't offer much insight into a sentence(s) or a paragrpah. In fact, I think if you remove the one adverb and replace it with more words it can add life and drama and insight into so much of the story...insight into characterization, conflict, action, dialogue ect.

Here's some of the adverbs you may want to consider editing hysterically, obviously, fleetingly, lethargically, mostly, supposedly, gently, teasingly, nosily, theatrically, actually, playfully literally, differently, regularly, suddenly, inconsolably, slowly, briefly And those are just in the first half of the story.


As an example take the following event I copied from your story. You have used more than three in just this one sentence.

You wrote: Marina!” he mimicked his wife’s soft, sing song voice teasingly then swooped in and noisily kissed both wife and daughter playfully, smacking theatrically on top of their glorious naturally-golden haired heads." Instead, perhaps something like this: "Marina!" He mimicked his wife's soft sing song voice with a teasing glint in his eyes. He then swooped in, kissing both his wife and daughter amplified by his smooching sounds. To top off his theatrics, he tapped them on top of their glorious naturally golden heads.

Well, you may not like my words, but I'm sure you get my point? Do you see how removing the adverbs and utilizing other descriptive words made this scene easier to envision and the added drama gives insight into some of the father's personality.

Well anyway...overall. this was intriguing and provocative in delivery and subject yet lacks a little substance in character development.

of course, this is just my opinion. You have the natural writing ability and this story has so much promise. It just needs a bit more emotion, character development so the reader can care and connect.

I do hope this has been useful Thank you for the opportunity to read and review!

kjo
106
106
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Lilian Forest *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.


This is an interesting story about the power of love, devotion and responsibility. I think you have a strong theme as well as a strong underlying theme that gives the reader thoughts to ponder and perhaps, even a moral to consider. Superb!

There are some good examples of characterization, especially with the Father and of the big sister. I do think they need to be developed a bit more so we can understand their actions, reactions and motives. More of their character needs to be revealed so we can care and connect to their struggles as well as their triumphs. This can be achieved by mannerisms and body language, even the slightest suggestion such as a twitch of eye or the raise of an eyebrow, the pout of a lip, the pulse of a temple…well you get my drift. All of this helps your characters to be come more life like. Nice start!

I think you’ve made some valid points about how suffering and debilitating love can be. It seems not only did Sadie become a victim, so did big sister. I mean this to say, Sadie made some obvious and blatant bad choices, but so did big sister, out of love and protection.

There are some issues with this story, mostly in grammar and the mechanics of writing. Part of it I’m sure was “confused in the translation.” This reads like a first draft to me. Don’t get discouraged however. This is worthy of a determined rewrite!


First I’d like to encourage you to break the story into paragraphs. The mountain of text is a bit disconcerting on the eyes. We need pause between sentences.


I have some observations if I may?

I read somewhere that people usually remember themselves at the age of three or four. I had nothing interesting to recall at that age. My first big remembrance had happened at the age of five when my sister Sadie was born. The above sentences suffer a bit from wordiness. Refine a bit so it reads smoother. I read somewhere that people can remember as early as four or five years of age. I recall nothing interesting at those ages. My first big remembrance came when my sister Sadie was born; I was five. ?

I can`t say if it was my fear of being punished, or I just got used to my baby sister, but very soon I found there was a lot of fan being a big sister. I’m not sure if I understand what you mean by ‘fan’ in this instance.

even at the time when she couldn`t talk yet. a little wordy. Perhaps “…Little Sadie immediately understood the rules of play, even at the time when she couldn`t talk yet. Even though she couldn’t yet talk, Sadie understood the rules of play. Just thoughts to ponder.




. That`s why I was quite shocked when Sadie told me about Ralph. From her endless tales all I could catch was that Ralph was a god-like somebody. That gave me a hope that Sadie just imagined him… again, just some wordiness which could be omitted to help the sentence flow with more ease. I was quite shocked when Sadie told me about Ralph. Her endless tales made him seem near god-like, and frankly, this gave me hope that he was imagined rather than real. Again, just thoughts to consider.

I prepared myself to defence my little sister here I think defence should be defend?


You have a good start here. It does need some work, a little editing and refining but it’s a strong theme and you have displayed some elements of fine writing and story telling. This is, in part, some of the issue, because you are passively telling the story rather than showing with active words, descriptions, character nuances, and more action and dialogue.

All of this is developed as you know through editing and rewriting and rewriting and rewriting….and on and on. But that’s a writer’s life. My stories are never finished. Some I’ve worked on for nearly two decades and still, there are not finished. But this is part of what makes writing so fascinating, exhausting, lovely and desirable. So please do keep on writing and then write on some more.

I do hope you found this useful.

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107
107
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Note4* *Note4* Hey There Inker *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What an lovely story. Heart-wrenching and filled with the spirit and hope of Lyndsay finally being able to pay tribute to Amy by understanding, in doing so, she was able to connect and heal.

I sensed the great love Lindsay had for Amy and for her grandparents. You painted a lovely picture and your story was filled with all the emotion necessary to make this an effective story.

I thought the scene at the beach, the ritual of paying tribute to Amy was beautiful and I think you captured the essence of its significance for both. It was empowering and necessary for Lindsay.

All the nuances of this family...of remembering the precious memories between Gramps and Grammy...how sweet and special. I could easily picture then and it brought a smile to my face and warmed my heart. Superb! I saw how full of life and innocence Amy was...and I sensed Lindsay's immense grief and even how she blamed herself.

I do have a couple of observations. Not rules by any means...just a few rules I personally like to live by when writing. They may be of importance to you and maybe not...they are just styling choices.

Lindsay remembered the time that she and her sisters were punished for staying out past dark. I think this sentence could be tightened up a bit., refined by removing the 'that' which adds a heaviness. For instance: Lindsay remembered the times she and her sisters were punished for staying out past dark.

The family had finally stopped coming to the beach and so did she. Same thing with 'had'. It could be removed The family stopped coming to the beach and so did she.

She always watched the fireworks on Labor Day and always at the same place on the beach. Every year this ritual had been the same for her and her family. Finally, there is a little repetition in this sentence which I feel could be edited out so the sentence reads a bit smoother? Every year on Labor day, she watched the fireworks from the same spot on the beach; it was a ritual her and her family looked forward to fondly. or something similar. it just reduces the repeated use of same words cuts back on the wordiness.

Again, just thoughts to consider.

Overall, I liked your story. It was lovely actually. I thought it was well written, full of emotion and It was easy for me to connect to Lindsay and her conflict. I was overjoyed she was able to pay tribute and release her feelings of guilt by releasing the 'fire flowers' for Amy.

Your character connected to the reader. Most of your words were active and well chosen. You painted a scene I could easily envision and you packed it with emotion. It was believable and I sense your commitment and creativity as a writer. it was simple but certainly not simplistic.

i do hope you found this useful.

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108
108
Review of Take Me Home  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Castiel04 *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! You are receiving this review as part of the Power reviewers Raid. Thank you for posting your request on our "Review Me List' I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I did get a sense of her immense loneliness.
So excellent job of setting the 'tone' of this very short story. I like the overall aesthetic of the story. I think you've set the scene well and it's easy for the reader to sense the desolation and even the detachment she feels.

Though this is a very short piece, I think you've handled characterization well.

The only comment I have is the change in tense from past to present and back to past in the same sentences and without warning can be a bit jarring for the reader. *Wink*
Clouds rolled by across the vast blue sky. Only the rustling of leaves can be heard as they were swept by the wind. She watched as the remaining leaves of one of the school’s largest trees fall slowly to the ground.

Another aspect I liked is the intrigue and mystery. You didn't disclose any age of the woman...so the reader is left to surmise...is she a child in grade school, a teenager in high school or a college student. I think it worked well for this particular piece and for it's length. If it were any longer of course, the reader would need to know to connect to the character.

This is a simple piece, lovely in many ways. Just needs a little refinement to attend to those tense issues. I do hope this has been useful. Thanks for the opportunity to read.

Write on and then write on some more!

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109
109
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Alias *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! You are receiving this review as part of the Power Reviewers Raid. Thank you for posting your request on our "Review Me List" I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.


You've created some intrigue for sure! I wanted to know...what Marcelo and Ralph are up to. It's so secretive. It doesn't seem evil...and no plot has been revealed yet but you're off to a great start!

I think you've done a Superb job with Setting. I do get a nice visual of Luccia and some of the Void, so well done. You do seem to understand the fine line between details and descriptions. *Wink*

Good use of action so far...and I think you've constructed your scenes well which helped this first chapter to unfold with ease...moving the story along. Well Done!

I do have a couple of observations and comments if i may.

Some of your sentences are weighed down by repetition, wordiness or superfluous words which are unnecessary to the whole of the sentence.

Underground and undercover, the city was a haven for the people condemned to living in the dark abyss. For instance, this sentence: a few too many 'the's? Perhaps "Underground and undercover, Luccia was a haven for people condemned to living in it's dark abyss. Just a suggestion of course. Only you can determine whether it reads to your liking.


And in the end, this was mainly one of the reasons why the young adults of Luccia searched for thrills every day. Just a little wordy. I think this sentence could be refined and tightened a bit. Perhaps: In the end, this is why the young adults of Luccia searched for thrills every day. And also removing the adverb 'mainly' increases the effectiveness of the sentences. I'll elaborate on the adverbs a bit further down. *Wink*

one could never know if it was day or night. So the clock would ring every morning, announcing the start of the day, and it would ring every night alerting the citizens that the day was over. Just wanted you to know...'that' is one of those words which oft times can be removed from the sentence.

And so they returned back to the main street and headed back to the central square where Marcelo had been some time ago. it's best not to begin a sentence with conjunctions such as 'and, but," ect Also, "returned back" is a bit redundant.

The doorknob turned and the door opened slightly. Here I underlined the adverb because I wanted to say adding an 'ly' to the end of a word doesn't increase it's effectiveness. Adverbs kind of reflect laziness in our writing...they tend to "tell" more than they show' because they just don't define and describe as well as other words even if you use more words in it's place. You can add so much more insight into conflict and characterization. For instance: " The doorknob turned then the door opened just enough to allow a prism of light to sneak through... Ok, well you may not like my words but I'm sure you get my point.

I felt like you overused the adverbs and used some more than once. here are some of them i found; slowly, quickly,. immediately, virtually, completely, slightly, certainly, swiftly.

overall, I liked your story. I thought it was well written and you created some intrigue and mystery which is Fantastic!

The description of your setting made Luccia easy to envision and I thought your action was well constructed moving the story along.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and review.

I hope this has been useful. Write on and then write on some more!

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110
110
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note4* *Note4* Hey There StreamBell *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! You are receiving this review as part of a Power Review Raid. Thank you for posting your article on our "Review Me List" I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What struck me about this essay/article of yours was the significance of some of the issues and the implications of acting/reacting to the harsh realities of the world in which we live. You made some valid points and raised some critical assumptions. Even more crucial, was the relevance of some of your rhetorical questions which embodied some of your own beliefs and even some of your own motives.

This was thought-provoking

Racism is, was and most likely will always be a volatile issue in the forefront or as an undercurrent in society as long as humans inhabit the world. Be it wrong by those who have no fear of other cultures, or be it right by those who perpetrate racism, it will be a' bone of contention' to debate, explore, defend or denounce. I myself have strong feelings and racism of any kind can get a passionate rise out of me...taking me to a place I may not be proud of after the fact...and i'm talking about using intelligence (though passionate)thought-out words to stomp on those who speak ignorantly against any ethnic group.

But enough about me. *Wink*

I think you have the beginnings of a profound article here but I found it difficult to read in places because of some of the issues in the mechanics of writing and in grammar. Please correct me if I'm wrong. it seems you are translating here which could explain why some of the word choices are incorrect for the intended meaning. I can't point them all out, but i would suggest a determined rewrite and proofreading. You have an important and thoughtful message here, it deserves to be heard clearly.

Here are some of the issues you may want to consider correcting.

Human is gregarious that we often gather as an ethnic group first, and then that we enact laws to protect the majority. The majority thinks itself become superior to minority. Your meaning is lost because the sentence needs clarify. it's vague and a bit jumbled. Perhaps: Humans are gregarious. We often gather as an ethnic group first and then we enact laws to protect the majority, and the majority we believe, are more superior. (While the sentence is more clear written this way, I'm not sure of the meaning. What are you trying to say? If you ask yourself, the point of theme of sentence, the way to explain it may become a bit clearer?

It is us that built up the frame of society. It is also us that we allowed “our kind” to enjoy the privilege of being the majority. Here again, a profound statement but the meaning becomes lost in translation. Perhaps: it is us that built up the frame of society. It is also us that gives permission to 'our kind' to enjoy the fruits of being the 'majority' Is this rewrite any help?

The following example seems not a typical racial discrimination but repel of foreign labor that is thought to deprive local people of economic benefit. A bit clearer, less vague approach...The following example is not racial discrimination, but rather a hostility toward foreign labor because it deprives the local citizens of the economic benefit. ?

Therefore, they criticized harshly on how worse have those foreigners done to our economics and society. I might choose to rewrite this as: Therefore they criticize harshly because these foreigners barge in and swallow up jobs placing additional hardships on the community. You may not like my word choices, but I'm sure you grasp my point?

Unless we can totally be neutral people, otherwise, we are just being tolerant. Here again, just needs clarifying Unless we can be one hundred percent neutral, there will be no tolerance. ? I'm not sure if that was your intended meaning at all...perhaps you sense the dilemma here. You've got some much worthy of being said and yet...the reader is not sure of your meaning.

I get the gist of this...it's powerful in what you are trying to say and just as powerful with what you don't say bu imply. It does need some editing and rewriting mostly so the reader can grasp the implications of your words and your meaning.

This is most certain worthy of a determined rewrite. Please know I intended no disrespect with the suggestion of 'translation' It just seems like a possibility to me. I hope this has been useful in some way to you.

Write on and then write on some more!

Kjo just groovin

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111
111
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I think you have an effective horror/scary story here. The story came alive when the demonic creature entered Anna's existence. Excellent use of strong word choices, for example ."She shivered, whether from pure terror, or the chill of his exhale, she had no idea. The cold molested her with fortitude, progressing throughout her entire body, from the pits of her stomach, to the tips of her toes. She was jacketed with goose bumps, her legs now violently trembling. Eeewgads Superb examples of effective, descriptive writing.

You constructed your scene very well. Giving us a portrait of this catatonic-like woman, imprisoned in more ways then just a straight jacket. I like how you pulled the beginning and end together with the use of the same phrase. I thought this was effective.

Overall, great use of setting and with characterization. Both these elements of short-story writing were suasive and strong. Your overall writing skills solid and authoritative.

I do have a few comments if I may?

Dry heaves were her desperate attempt to puncture the complete medicated numbness, which was gradually swallowing her whole. Very minor...but I wonder is a comma needed after which? in fact, is which really needed or complete? "Dry heaves were her desperate attempt to puncture the medicated numbness gradually swallowing her whole. Just a thought to consider.

Her eyes are shallow, lifeless pits of nothing. These are some strong words describing the 'catatonic-like' state of Anna...so I just question her ability to see this 'creature with such stark realism...what she sees is so vivid and alive and colorful...though horror-like and chilling . ugh. *Wink* I'm not criticizing her...just food for thought

The only other two comments I have is...I was a bit bothered by the description of this demonic presence as an 'angel' Now I realize...even Satan was at one time an angel before God cast him out. As you know, the dictionary meaning of angel is:"spiritual being superior to humans in power and intelligence, or an attendant spirit and guardian...and even an angel of death..." which of course the "reaper" is. I just didn't like this "reaper referred to as an "angel" This is personal of course, my emotional reaction. I'm not saying it's wrong...it just didn't work for me. *Wink*

Did this reaper remove Anna's straight-jacket? Did she just imagine him removing it?Or are we to assume it's still on...constraining her? ...just a note of caution...

And last, I wanted mention the heavy reliance on adverbs. So many for such a short story. They interrupted the flow of the story for me and I felt they were sort of distracting. Some are necessary and even useful...but oft times adding an "ly" on the end of a word doesn't make it more effective or more descriptive. In fact, I think it reflects sort of a laziness in our writing. I think adverbs tell our story more than they show and they don't add much as far as insight into characterization or conflict. Here's some of the adverbs you used: subconsciously, silently, uncomfortably, dubiously, completely, absolutely, surprisingly, violently, astoundingly, wildly, hesitantly, instantly, relentlessly, instantaneously, continuously, piercingly, desperately. Oft times you can just remove the adverb without even changing the meaning of the sentence but if you replace the adverb, even if you use more words...your sentences will be more alive and colorful and add drama and insight. For instance, you wrote: "She closed her eyes hesitantly and focused. Instantly, the blood that flooded around her wasn't’t so terrifying " How about? She fought the need to close her eyes but soon relented. She need rest, to question her mind about the terrifying events she just witnessed. After a few moments of respite, the blood which had flooded around her moments before, was no longer so terrifying. Ok, you may not like my words but I'm sure you get my point.

You have demonstrated some wonderful and terrifying elements of horror story writing. Many of your word choices were stunning in a scary way...and effective.

The heavy reliance on adverbs is holding your story back from being as evocative and engaging as it could be. This has such grand potential.

I do hope this has been useful .

Write on and then write on some more

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112
112
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Melody Grubb *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

You have given the reader a story with a profound message. I love the supplications of this story...simple and yet lovely. Well done

Some of your language is beautiful..you wrote "As dawn lit the valley the next morn, the sun’s kindly rays shown down upon the girl as she skipped along the path. Gone were the haggard features, at least mostly, and the once laden and weary legs flew in obvious glee over the obstacles of the night. beautifully written and easy for me to envision...well done with some of your imagery

Too, I think you have captured the essence of the language...not sure what the language is, *Wink* but I believed it.

Also, you managed to do a good job with the characterization of this young girl...of her fear, her desire and her devotion. I believed she was ragged and poor and yet...her heart was a Treasure...I loved the theme of Hope and Faith in this short story! Excellent!

Your story does need some polishing and refining. Parts were difficult to get through because of the errors in the 'mechanics of writing' and grammar issues. Don't distress ! These are easy to fix with a little rewriting and editing. *Wink*


I do have some observations if I may?

Let's Begin with your opening paragraph. As you know, one of the purposes of the intro is to hook the reader and encourage them to read on. I think your opening could be more effective...while simple is oft times more effective...this is a bit simplistic...when it could be more dramatic and compelling. You wrote: " The night was late. Stars shown dimly in a pitch black sky, and not a light shown in any of the dark houses outlined against it—all, except one" Add a little more interest to draw the reader in by elaborating...and I felt the second where you were describing how isolated the one cottage was...is a bit confusing...How was the night late...you can answer this question by perhaps connecting the two sentences such as...It was late night and just a few stars blinked dimly neath a pitch black sky as if to say where is my crescent moon? The lack of light cast an eerie silhouette on the countryside below. Only one lone lantern, tangelo-orange, glowed from the window of a cottage on the outskirts of town. Isolated and obscure in the confines of a deep valley, this cottage shelters a family who is about to discover the power of faith.

Ok, you may not like my words but I'm sure you grasp my point.


Troubled breathing tried to keep the small body’s chest heaving feebly.The eyes were closed, and it seemed to be sleeping, but it was not a peaceful sleep. This sentence is a bit jumbled and seems to be missing something?

There is no other way. I cannot go; father may need my help, and his leg will not allow him to take him himself. I know what you are trying to say...but I think this sentence needs to refined a bit: There is no other way. I cannot go; father will need my help until his leg has healed. Just a thought to consider.

I think you have a story here worthy of a determined rewrite. it has a powerful message. The faith and the hope in this story resounds with joy. There is so much to love about this story...it just needs a little polish.

I do hope you found this useful.

Write on and then write on some more

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113
113
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Lucas Longley *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the request a Review page and stopped in for a review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.


One successful element in your story is the strong emotion. The author knows how to affect the reader...how to appeal to their emotions. Excellent job with emotion.

Overall, this is a heart-wrenching story of one girls fight to find joy even with her obvious pain and her afflictions. I thought you did a fantastic job with characterization of the father and with sharing her fight for life and struggles. So well done.

I do have a few observations if I may?

What fell a little short for me was taking this journey with Sarah but then never understanding what she was afflicted with. I felt a little short changed. I found myself wondering what her disease was and how long she'd been afflicted. perhaps from birth...there was some indication of this...and it's great to allow the reader to wonder and surmise...yet on the same token...I think since her disease was forefront of this story...Sarah's story, I also believe it's important for the reader to understand the extent of it so we can comprehend the ending. Just thoughts for you to ponder

overall, this was well written. My only comment on the mechanics of writing is the extensive use of adverbs. Adding ly to the end of a word doesn't make it more descriptive. if you add more words in the place of an adverb you can add more life and color and drama and bring out more insight into conflict and characterization. Here's some of the adverbs you may want to consider, I didn't list them all and some you used twice or more: brightly, slowly,disappointingly, fairly, gracefully, faintly, plaintively, simply, meticulously, completely, immediately, lazily, clumsily, reflectively, nicely, increasingly, uncontrollably,weakly, steadily... More important, removing some of the adverbs and using more words to describe "shows the reader' rather than telling them. For instance you wrote: "She shivered, and weakly looked back to her room. She knew that she had to escape before it was too late." To increase the effectiveness of this image...perhaps She shivered, weak and drained of strength of body but not of spirit, Sarah knew she had to escape. Or something to that extend. it gives more insight into how weary she was helping the reader to connect and care.

She glanced from side to side, but quickly recognized its source as a panicked teen aged boy struggling break free from a sadistic piece of seaweed that had wrapped around his ankle and was slowly draining the life from his lungs. The preceding sentence seems to be missing a word?

Trying her best to speak, her voice was lost in her throat, leaving her nothing but her frightened emerald eyes with which to communicate her thoughts. This sentence suffers a bit from wordiness. I think it could be a bit smoother. "She choked up as she tried to speak leaving her throat dry and forming a lump. her emerald green eyes revealed her fear and her frustration. or something to that effect.

I think you have a profound story here. But oft times I was a bit bored...so many fantasies(though they were intriguing fantasies) for Sarah and yet...the reader was left in the dark as to why she immersed herself in these visions...I do believe they brought her comfort and joy but I wanted share in her joys and her comforts from an emotional point-of-view, to root for her, to pray she overcomes her illness.

Finally, there was one scene in your story...were I was a bit confused and this was when the Dr mentioned the "your wife was a medical anomaly" For a minute...i thought perhaps...the daughter was actually the wife and she was afflicted with madness thinking she was the daughter. I think it's vital to understanding Sarah's sickness to share with the reader...Sarah's mother...but you may want to make it a bit clearer and perhaps elaborate a little more...sometimes it works to leave the reader's in the dark and other time you leave them wanting to know more to understand.

I think you have a compelling story here in theory and other than some of the adverbs, this was well written and well executed showing strong and solid writing skills...The emotion is present,...but it's is lacking a little in substance, at least for me. Remember, I am just one reader. *Wink* Part of this is because, while the emotion is real and profound, Sarah's story seems incomplete to me...like the author didn't fully commit to engaging the reader.

I think this is a gem of a story just needing a little polishing and refining so it can shine as you intended.

i do hope this has been useful.

Please write on and then write on some more!

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114
Review of The End of Summer  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Winnie *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! Well I'm back to repay you for visiting my port and reviewing my story. Thank you! I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.


Winnie, I thought this was a fine story, well written and engaging. I liked how it read like fiction...like the author was introducing us to this 'royal' like woman and then with a little twist...I was surprised to know it was mostly non-fiction. The way you approach your themes is refreshing.

I thought this was well written. I learned a lot about birds. Either you are a bird enthusiast yourself or you researched a lot because I believed what you wrote. You authenticated and it was real to me. Superb!


I saw nothing I could suggest changing, nor did I see any glaring mistakes in the mechanics of writing or in grammar, so Excellent!

You painted a lovely picture with your words. I could envision this little piece of heaven by the sea! fantastic!


The end was sad...however, it seems your Friend...this gracious lady, Lois, loved the life she lived and was blessed.

Thanks for sharing.

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115
115
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Beowulf *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the request a review page and was intrigued by your title so I stopped in. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Your story is a bit of a puzzle to me, and perhaps that is your intent. I found it to be very aesthetically pleasing however. Like a song...melodic and soothing until the end unfolded which I found to be a bit disturbing. But I'm not sure why.

The dilemma for me as a reader...is it's so philosophical it leans toward abstract like a Matisse painting and I found my self questioning...what is it I'm suppose to be getting out of this story. I could just admire...it's aesthetic beauty...but with a story...I need more substance...a purpose. This of course is just my one opinion. *Wink*

While some of the language was beautiful...what's it all about? There is a storyline but not a lot of other components such as plot, character development, and internal-external conflict for the character to overcome. There is a suggestion of action...and there is a suggestion of conflict but the reader is left in the dark as to where the conflict developed and if there was any resolution. In this sense, it was difficult for me to care about the character. I ask myself, am I missing something here? Is it just beyond my scope of understanding and reasoning? Possible. *Bigsmile*


I do have a few editing suggestions if I may. I think some of your sentences could be refined, tightened and polished a bit. There is some repetition and use of superfluous words such as 'that' which could be removed all together. They tend to weigh a sentence done. For instance you wrote:
It was very possible that this bird had been here my whole life, hidden in the background, waiting for the moment to reveal herself to me.
I think your sentence would be smother if you just wrote : It was possible this bird has been here my whole life...do you see the difference? Make your sentences as active as possible and less wordy.

As far as repetition...sometimes it's best to keep it simple. Repetition can be useful...other times...it's just redundant. For instance, let's examine the paragraph i copied from your story.
I had to know where she was going. I had to know where she would lead me. Closer and closer I approached; her feathers and her noble stance becoming more and more riveting with each step. Finally I reached the light post, her head slightly above mine (as it always should be). A strange sense of security bubbled inside me. She knew I was there, she knew why I was there (probably better than I did). She knew if she flew, I’d follow. She knew if she stayed, I’d stay. And I was perfectly fine with surrendering that power. I was convinced I stood before the form of an angel. There is a lot of unnecessary words which holds your sentences back and weighs them done a bit. perhaps consider something such as: I needed to know where she was going; where she would lead me. Closer and closer I approached; her feathers and her noble stance became more riveting with each step. Finally, I reached the light post, her head slightly above mine (as it always should be). A strange sense of security bubbled inside. She knew I was watching and perhaps she knew why, perhaps she even knew I'd follow her when she flew away. I was fine with surrendering my power. I was convinced I stood in the midst of an angel. Of course, just a thought for you to ponder.


I think with a little polish to the sentences by removing some of the redundancy and wordiness, your sentences will read with more ease.

Also, if you add spaces between your paragraphs...it would not only look more polished and professionally but the mountain of text wouldn't be so hard on the reader's eyes! *Wink*


The only other comment I'd like to make is the use of adverbs. Watch the use. it's easy to over use them. They are useful and even necessary sometimes. But they tend to Tell" rather than Show And Showing is always more appealing because the reader can envision. Plus reducing the adverbs and using more descriptive words adds insight and drama...just more life and color.

In spite of the questions I had about the plot and the purpose, I did like your story. It's creative and aesthetically pleasing. Sort of evocative in a philosophical way. and Your writing has such merit. You have a beautiful understanding of the use of language, just polish it a bit.

I do hope this has been useful and I hope it's taken in the spirit for which it's intended.

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116
Review of The Trees  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Renee *Note4**Note*


Greetings!

I saw your story on the request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Yeow! The trees are alive and you're right...who would believe you. Goodness and Jiminy Christmas.

There were some very frightening moments in your short story. I think you captured the essence of this evil possessed tree. Nice descriptions and action. Some wife your character is ...leaving her family behind. haha. Can't say I blame you. I think I'd be gone ligety-split too. *Shock* *Bigsmile*

Overall, not a bad representation of a short horror/scary story. it's hard to do in 500 words or less. I commend you for that. And I thought this was original and certainly had it's scary moments. So well done.

I do have some observations and comments to make if i may?


Most of my observations are in the mechanics of writing...such as commas and fragments of complete sentences running together. Easy enough to edit without changing your word count. *Wink*

The trees swaying back and forth{,} looked frighteningly alive. When I read this sentence, It seems I want to pause after 'forth"

Due to our late arrival{,} had, Here you may want to consider placing the comma after 'arrival' rather than 'had.


Owls called in the distance, as did a few wolves[.]Those sounds were almost a comfort to the sudden and defining silence I would place a period after 'wolves' and then capitalize "Those" to begin a new sentence otherwise it's a run on. And I question the sudden and defining silence. Seems to need a little more clarification. How can the silence be sudden if the wolves interrupted it with noise? Just a thought to consider.


I got in and locked the doors, and realized Bob had the keys. Just a question for you to ponder. Was the door unlocked prior to getting in a locking the doors. If they were unlocked why would it matter if the Bob had the keys. You could unlock from inside the car. Just a little clarification. *Wink*


I huddled[,] afraid to move[,] barely breathing. For pause and effect, you may want to add a comma after huddled and move.


Those are, as I mentioned, easy to fix. I thought your short story was effective. it made me cringe with some of your descriptions. I'd say that's pretty effective! considering how much you said in so few words.

All this needs is a little refining. i do hope this has been helpful. Good luck in the contest!


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117
Review of Sixty Cents Short  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There JDCigan *Note4**Note4*


Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a review. I hope you find my comments helpful please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

This story, for certain, is a brutal exposition on compassion or the lack of and the affects of regret. I found your story compelling, the writing solid...different for sure...more collegiate in a sense and definitely detached. The events, as he recalls them, unfolded from his mind, a bit foggy at times, and a bit over detailed , but certainly a fresh perspective, different and unique.


The tone of your story is perfectly synchronized against the backdrop of the bitter weather, the unfortunate, shameful status of Thomas' plight and your character's lack of emotions and inability to empathize. There is a lack of trust, most certainly fear, and the unwillingness (inability?)to care on Marcus' part. So I applaud you on balancing these elements with the pace and tone of your story. Superb! Aesthetically cold and detached, but I it seems you used such 'elements' to give the reader pause and to ignite a debate within the readers conscience. Am I correct in assuming?

it's difficult to care about Marcus as a character. He is reserved, a loner and methodical. He lacks compassion but I also see him as a tragic figure. He doesn't seem to understand the value of hope for the "human condition'. Thomas on the other hand...had nothing but the streets and a story...yet he possessed one of the greatest gifts...hope. There is irony in your story. Excellent!

Your story was thought-provoking...though a bit dry ( I'm sure this is due to the overall lack of emotion. But I do understand the necessity of remaining '
abstract with the 'tone' of the story)

I didn't catch any glaring mistakes in the mechanics of writing nor in grammar. so well done!


There are many underlying themes in this story...some more profound than others. I found your character's lack of humanity offensive and yet, it was a true and accurate reflection of today's society and how most view the less fortunate. And this I believe, is your story's most commanding theme.


Just my interpretation however.

In essence a good read...a bit troubling and discouraging...but well written with a lot of grit and dare.



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Review of Lunch  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey Ther JD Kell *Note4* *Note4*


Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

JD I think you have a very powerful story here. Profound in its theme and back story and persuasive in it's power to move the reader because it was thought-provoking. You wrote with a lot of emotion.

I like how you allowed Jessica to come to terms with her own disease...slowly. There were no answers in the beginning. It was almost as if she was void of any thought or emotion to mirror the disappearance of of her physical self. I thought this was an effective element . masterful


Your story is well written. I saw no glaring errors in the mechanics of writing or in grammar. Excellent!


I thought you constructed your scenes well allowing the plot to unfold with ease.

And just important, I believed in your characters. In their friendship, in their disappointments and struggles and I thought the way you allowed their friendship to renew over time....parallel with Jessica coming to terms with her eating disorder was memorable and moving. The fact Leslie couldn't just stop being her friend, nor could she not say what was troubling her proves she wouldn't just sit by idle and despondent while her friend faded away. I felt this was an important and valid statement which spoke volumes. Excellent!


I don't have any suggestions. usually I do! bravo!

I think you, in a quiet and subtle way, empowered Jessica and You spoke voulms refusing to allow Leslie to be an enabler. Write on!

This is a a story of grave importance. It displays solid and masterful writing skills and touches on a subject that is rampant which affects far too many teenagers and adults. It was poignant and profound, evocative and efficacious.

There is a lot of truth to Jessica's story and it digs deep. I think one of the underlying themes of the messages young adults receive through the media and the idea of the 'perfect' body is indeed, one of the catalysts of this epidemic. I would say this is not just a story but a brutal exposition on the affects of eating disorders.

Well done!

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119
119
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Note4**Note4*Hey There Winnie *Note4**Note4*

Greetings Winne! Thank you for sending me a message about editing the story I reviewed. I decided to check it out. I went ahead and cleared the rating after reading because I was so impressed with the amount of editing and rewriting that you did.

What a wonderful, heart-wrenching story.

I can see all the work you've put in to your rewrite and the result is a beautiful story with beautiful writing. The words are fresh and alive. The added mannerisms, body language and characteristics give depth and dimension to your mother as a character and the simple yet expressive ways in which you gave life, care and emotion to your family made this story appealing and affecting.

Your words were carefully chosen and active helping the story unfold with ease.

This is worthy of *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*'s

Well done! *Wink*

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120
Review of The Notepad  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Note4* *Note4* Hey There glasnost0 *Note4* *Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a review. I thought your title was interesting and wondered what your "Notepad" was about. I hope you find my comments helpful. Pleawe know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.


Your story was interesting and not in the kind of interesting way...people say when they can't think of anything good. *Bigsmile*

This was thought provoking really. And though it seems you intended this to be creepy, I didn't find it creepy at all. In fact, though it was peculiar, I thought your theme had a deeper meaning. Sorry! I do tend to read too much in to stories sometimes. And, of course I could be wrong.

On a psychological level...this seems to be a exposition on the the power of gossip and how it can destroy lives. And in some small way, this is a discourse if you will, on the moraility of journalism. See I told I can get too deep! *Shock*

I thought this was well written and though there wasn't any defined plot...I thought you supported your theme/storyline very well with the narrators perspective and the various possibilities of this "Notepad"

Some of the scenarios or "warnings" if you will, were compelling but without any 'real time action" it did read a bit dry. Yes there was 'suggested action" by the "what ifs". But I don't think they were "show" enough. Just "telling" the reading audience what could happen isn't enough for us to believe. "Show" us, give us an event- a scene supporting the premise of this pecuilar notepad. I think this would help to make your story more profound becaue not only would it be thought-provoking. but also, the reader could be thrust into the fantasy of the "notepad's whims" if the owner didn't make the Best choice.

it's all about choices too.

I do think this item has many layers to it, so it is evocative. But it falters somewhat because it's just a compelling read with the notepad as the main character and the 'owner' as it's pawn but it's lacking 'real time' action and I feel the narrator is telling a good story rather then engaging us in the 'notepad's mystery" by Showing us.

I hope that makes sense.

It's very good, but it could be even better. it's orignal and inventive and yet a bit bland on the excitment level. I kinda just didn't care. It was a mix of thrilling and emotionless.

I didn;t see any errors in the mechanics of writing or in grammar. So Awesome!

This has it's merits as I'vve mentioned above, but it also needs a little something extra...that edge.

I do hope this has been useful and that it is taken in the spirit for which it was intended.

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121
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Flory *Note4**Note4*


Greetings! I saw your item on the request a review page and was captured by the description of your piece. I thought Hhmmmn, interesting, so I popped in for a read and a review.

I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Nothing like comfort food. I still recall the simple yet Divine mac and cheese my mom made. We ate it a lot sometimes with meat if we were fortunate, most the times...just the mac and cheese and maybe a mayonnaise sandwich. To this day...I can't mimic the same recipe though I've come close. Perhaps it's not so much the taste of the food as it is the memory...of being young and full of the innocence of adventure.

Anyway...this item of yours is simple and yet it says so much.

And it causes the reader to think about their childhood and what comfort food means and how it affects their lives right now. . You've managed to write simply, and clearly and yet it has a profound affect on the reader. Imagine that! Excellent!

I felt a little cheated...I was expecting more as in longer...but perhaps, this was all you needed to say. *Wink*

I didn't see any glarring mistakes in the mechanics of writing or in grammar; it was clear and interesting and anytime you can get the reader to react ... or particiapte in the experience, well, that is the mark of a seasoned writer. *Wink*

I did have to read the final sentence a couple of times because it seemed a bit jumbled ...(If ever my means to an end job can’t quite make ends meet), so you may want to consider rewritng for clarification, but otherwise, a fine job.

Thanks for sharing. I hope you found this useful


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122
122
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

*Note4**Note4*Hey There Winnie *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! You are receiving this review as a 'pay it forward' gesture. Thank you for visiting my port and reviewing a couple of stories. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestion in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Winnie, I've determined that what you need is some confidence. This story was lovely, sad and heart-warming. You wrote with a lot of emotion: love, passion, fear, frustration for the disease consuming and devouring you mother as you've known her. And you told a story so many can relate to. Your story is real and it has worldly appeal.

I have a similar story with my mother. But she had a rare brain disease that accompanied her dementia and a mean active alcoholic that aggravated the issue. We'd go to visit and frozen items would be in the oven. Milk would be in the cupboard. She would be unkempt and the house a mess. So uncharacteristic and heart-breaking!

Anyway...this was well written as far as the mechanics of writing and grammar. I do have a couple of suggestions, but they are more 'stylistic' comments and are not rules to write by.

There is a subtle difference between details and descriptions. Oft times too many details weigh a story down with unnecessary information. it's ok to allow the reader to surmise a little. Too many details sit on the surface of the story rather than help the reader to get down into the substance of the storyline. So just a little caution. For example, you wrote: " One day you are playing in the neighborhood park with your brothers and friends as your young, slim mother calls out from the small wood framed house across the street, informing you that it is time for supper." I think there is too many details in this sentence. Break some of up...so you have longer ones, shorter ones and some in between. I understand you are trying to describe your mother and the home but the result is too much in one sentence. You could say " One day you are playing in the neighborhood with your brothers and friends and you hear your mother calling you home for supper. Racing across the yard and jumping on the porch, mom cautions us to slow down before we destroy the door of our small wood framed house. You couldn't let her slim shape or youthful appearance fool you in to thinking she was a pushover. Ok, you may not like my words but I'm sure you get the point. Sometimes simple is better. There are still details, in fact, even more details but not all in one sentence and you get the added bonus of a little more insight into characteristics.

I would go visit her after work several times a week and I began to notice that the little table that she sat at (lived at) in front of the blaring TV was piling up with mail and with each visit, the piles were bigger. Just wanted to mention, 'that' isn't always necessary. Yes sometimes it needs to be used but most of the time we forget it's just a superfluous word that adds weight. We tend to talk with 'that' a lot and so it so natural to write using it. If your read your sentences out loud, you can hear the difference. A little more refined and polished.


The final overservation winnie, is to create paragraphs with indented first sentences. This helps to make your stories look more polished and professional as well.

I think you have a {b:blue}gem here. It's a one of those bittersweet stories, a tear-jerker with grand potential. it just needs a little polishing and refining.

I hope you realize soon what a fine writer you are! Just keep on reviewing and writing. You'll see!

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Review of Falling  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Note4**Note4* Hey There Huntington *Note4**Note4*


Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.


And this story presents an interesting perspective, one man''s soul through a another man's eyes. Intriguing to say the least. I'm not sure I like the idea of being a spectator. it's not losing my life so much as it is being consumed by some one's Else's and not being able to play an active part. It would be interesting, if the spectator could be the conscience or be one of the emotions.

Regardless, very original and inventive. Overall it was compelling.

I think your theme and the plot of your story was well thought out and parts were thrilling. I do have some suggestions in the area of grammar or in the mechanics of writing If I may?

Much better was to forget it all, and pretend that he was Kevin. The previous sentence needs some clarifying. It's a bit vague so the meaning is lost.

It was so wonderful. So sensational and fulfilling In this sentence...well the second one isn't a sentence. it's a phrase without a subject so it's a fragment. You could remove the period, add a comma and make it one. Just a thought of course.

When Kevin found the first girl that loved him, they held each other in their arms. Kevin experienced so much happiness that it was as if he was floating. The girl, with her brown hair against his cheek, strands tickling his nose, had given him wings. He thinks, Jackson thought, that she has stopped his fall. And as one boy was elated by the warmth of another human needing him as he needed her, the man inside him cried. He cried for the love that he once had himself. He cried for the love that he had lost. He cried in happiness for Kevin, and he cried in sadness for what Kevin did not know. The above paragraph is a bit confusing, wordy and needs some refining. I was particularly stumped by "He thinks. Jackson thought... . " This makes me wonder...Does Jackson know, Keven was a spectator within him? You allude to that possibility in that phrase and yet the final phrase suggests...Jackson cried for what Kevin didn't know.. " So the reader needs more clarification.


I think you did a great job of convincing the reader that Jackson was a Spectator within Kevin. Believability is vital to the plot/characters, ect to a story. So well done!

I thought your overall plot unfolded with ease however, there is room for improvement. And when you refine and polish some of the sentence structures and minor errors, this will improve the readability and ease of the story as it unfolds.

The only other observation I have is to trim the 'time span' in this story. I think if you were to focus more on a couple of events rather than Kevin's entire life, it may make your idea more effective. Just a thoguht to ponder. I'm not sure if it would, just a suggestion .

Anyway, I liked your perspective. I liked the possibility you propose. The story needs a little refining but all of my suggestions are just my opinion. And are easy to address if you choose.

Thanks for sharing. I do hope this has been useful!

Write on and then write on some more!

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Review of Easter Justice  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Note4**Note4*Hey There moveme *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a review. Your title caught my eye and I was wondering ...what Justice on Easter? I had another thought completely as I read the first few paragrpahs. Wasn't expecting the ending. *Wink*

So I guess you can say, you caught me off guard, but in a good way of course! So Bravo!


In fact, overall, I thought this was a great short story, effective and surprising and the subtle back story in this is of course, him saying to himself he'll show his wife and get justice, when in reality, he gives himself to the "teachings of God" on the day he has 'risen' and thus, his justice blossoms into Mercy through one of God's children. His loneliness vanishes and he begins on a different path and journey with God's loving guidance. I love the supplications in his story. Ironic and profound. Excellent!

This is a simple story but not simplistic by any means. At first, your protagonist seems bitter, lonely and on edge. I expected him to rob a bank or take his own life. *Shock* But then, pow...there he walks humble of heart into a church and finds Gods. Superb!

I saw nothing I could suggest changing. In fact, this was well written with no errors in grammar or in the mechanics of written that I could see. So well done!


This was powerful in a quiet way...just as a story of this genre should be. All the praise goes to God. and the simple of act of 'his reality" telling him he needed something more in his life, something greater was poignant . *Wink*

Well, I did look at this with a critical eye to give constructive suggestions, but I can say, I have none to offer.

Awesome!

Write on and then write on some more!

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Review of Imps  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Note4**Note4*Hey There Pennywise *Note4**Note4*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Yeow! what and ole codger. *Shock**Bigsmile* Certainly not your average senior citizen. *Wink*

The old fool sure has some skeletons in his closet, oops excuse me, in his garden. *Bigsmile*

I thought this was an effective short horror story. It has all the elements necessary...not gory and explicit but most definitely a few surprises.

I thought you did a great job of characterizing him. A little history to help us understand his state of mind-well state of madness, which of course we don't learn the extent of until the final paragraph. Excellent!

Overall, this was well written. I didn't stumble on any glaring errors in grammar or in the mechanics of writing! Superb!

I did review with a critical eye (constructive, of course!) to give helpful suggestions if needed, but I didn't find anything, just good reading supported by great solid writing skills and a chilling storyline.

Next time those little imps tear up my lawn in the wee hours of the night, I'll know who to call on. haha *Bigsmile*

Hey, I do hope this was helpful in some small way.

Good luck in the contest.

Thanks for sharing.

Write on and then write on some more!

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