Hey There koen_balefire
Greetings! I saw your story listed on the Request a Review page but after I read your notes, I decided to visit your port and read the first chapter. It's best to begin at the beginning I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions int he spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.
What I liked about your story the most is how believable it was. I thought you did a fantastic job of presenting the 'substance' of your story. I believed your character was an expert in the paranormal. Either you know a lot about the subject of ghost-busting and demon-hunting yourself, or you spent a lot of time researching. It shows in your story which is packed with information, supporting facts, case studies and personal beliefs based on your character's experience. I thought this element of your story was effective and extremely well presented! Excellent!
Also, I liked how you gave the reader background information. This substantiated your character, authenticating his position, his beliefs and helped the reader become familiar with the theme of the story! Superb!
I thought this was a good read. I enjoyed it and found it compelling. You wrote it in great chronological, methodical order which Is the perfect approach considering the theme of your story. For those readers who are not familiar with this type of story, your informational approach made it easy to relate to. You haven't yet disclosed a plot but I'm sure its forthcoming.
There were, however some issues with your story--some stumbling blocks that interrupted the flow. I think you could strengthen it's effectivenss with some editing and rewriting. I'm not going to pull-the-wool over your eyes and say there were just a few, actually, there were a lot of areas which could benefit from refining and polishing. However, I will say, they're all easy to address if you choose and please keep in mind, they're only my opinion.
believe in the Devil or other form of demon this phrase seems to be a bit awkward, as if it's missing something...it's the last part "or other form of demon."
experience as a paranormal investigator that anything is possible whenever a ghost or demon is concerned, and that people as a whole, are capable of almost anything. Here just wanted to point out a little repetition.
Over the next several months[,] we conducted perhaps a comma after 'months' for pause?
Dr. Welch explained that he was involved with a group that conducted investigations in New York. He told us that a family in Plattsburgh had filled out one of his online questionnaires and claimed to have a haunting, which seemed to be of a demonic nature. He explained that he had conducted a telephone interview with the father and also had a colleague who practiced remote-viewing conduct a viewing of the house in question. I struck out some of the 'thats'. While that is useful and sometimes necessary, oft times we use it too much simply because we use 'that' a lot when we speak. I struck out some. See what you think.
The smell of gourmet coffee hitting my nose as I exit the shower. Here, this sentence is fragmented. You may want to attach it to the previous sentence or you can add 'was' hitting
Kelsey as usual, reluctantly dragging herself out of bed after three taps on the snooze button. same here, fragment. Perhaps Kelsey, as usual reluctantly dragged herself out of bed?
fixed a couple of steak and fries in relation to couple, steak should be plural as is fries.
Clay said that his friend had stayed only one night In this sentence, using both 'had' and 'that' weight your sentence down. You can omit one or the other or both for a more active sentence.
Justin[,] their son[,] has claimed to have seen two separate ghosts in his bedroom and at times while trying to sleep, there has been a black, winged creature sitting on his bed. just a couple of comma suggestions in brackets and the use of has/have makes the sentence a bit awkward. You could omit the 'has' of use 'of' in place of have? Just thoughts to ponder.
While Clay has related all of these things to the professor, has claimed to hear voices himself, and see figures moving about on the property...he is not scared or excited. This sentence needs a little TLC. Just a bit awkward as it's written now. It seems to be missing something as well. I find if I read a sentence our loud, I can usually hear the issue.
I had spent the night drinking cup after cup of coffee and leafing through, reading chapters in just about every demonology and paranormal book on my shelves perhaps add 'and' between leafing through and read chapters?
Don't get discouraged. I'm sure it seems like I've picked this apart. I only offer my opinion because I think this is worthy of a determined rewrite in the areas I mentioned above. This has such grand potential and promises to be a suspenseful, evocative and thought-provoking read. I did enjoy the history, the facts and all the information. I thing you have done a fantastic job with character development and with authenticating your character's expertise! Bravo!
If you decide some of my observations are worthy, I'd like to reread the changes you've made if you'd like me to.
I do hope this has been useful.
Write on and then write on some more!
Kjo just groovin
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