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176
176
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There E.R.Stan *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your title and just had to stop in. How intriguing...just enough to pique my interest. Great title! I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I love the aesthetic quality of this story. Such despair and depravity with a touch of euphoria! Your character seems to loathe and love his life at the same time. I sense his conflict and yet his hope. Superb!


You've done an excellent job with setting, with character development and with divulging the humanity of his monotony and pointlessness. Bravo!

I see the huge potential in your story. There is substance and essence and emotional layering. I think you're off to a splendid start and yet I'm going to be a
a little hard on you for just a moment because a story with such grand potential with such wonderful elements should be presented without spelling errors. This, as you know, requires proofreading. There were spelling errors in your story and
that could have been avoided with spellcheck. And there were a few 'mechanics of writing issues as well.

mesmorizing mesmerizing
bussiness. business
dispenced dispensed
akward awkward
metabalism. Metabolism
New West Painting inc Inc -Inc is usually capitalized

I was eighteen years old, I had done the job before In this sentence, the comma creates a comma splice aka, run on, because these are two complete sentences. either use a semi colon or a period. Semi colons should be used sparingly. The same issue is with the following sentence. I liked that panhandler, he was a good man no matter what the others said.

One of the elements I like most about your story is the descriptions and lovely use of words. You have some wonderful methaphors and details which help me to envision his world as he sees it. That's wonderful!

I also feel there are layers of meaning though this is just the beginning. I sense a thought-provoking, insightful story. So far, your characterization is life-like and real which makes it easy for me to connect and care. Well done!

A plot hasn't been revealed yet...but already, I sense his internal; conflict. I think this is a great beginning. It does need a little attention to the details of grammar and the mechanics of writing. But theses are easy to address if you choose.

So far, I like this story and feel your writing skills are edgy, snappy and clever. Watch the spelling mistakes and other little errors that interrupt the flow of what is otherwise a very fine beginning.

Thanks for letting me stay for awhile. I do hope this has been useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*kjo just groovin *Flower3*

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177
177
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There koen_balefire *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your story listed on the Request a Review page but after I read your notes, I decided to visit your port and read the first chapter. It's best to begin at the beginning *Wink* I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions int he spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What I liked about your story the most is how believable it was. I thought you did a fantastic job of presenting the 'substance' of your story. I believed your character was an expert in the paranormal. Either you know a lot about the subject of ghost-busting and demon-hunting yourself, or you spent a lot of time researching. It shows in your story which is packed with information, supporting facts, case studies and personal beliefs based on your character's experience. I thought this element of your story was effective and extremely well presented! Excellent!

Also, I liked how you gave the reader background information. This substantiated your character, authenticating his position, his beliefs and helped the reader become familiar with the theme of the story! Superb!


I thought this was a good read. I enjoyed it and found it compelling. You wrote it in great chronological, methodical order which Is the perfect approach considering the theme of your story. For those readers who are not familiar with this type of story, your informational approach made it easy to relate to. You haven't yet disclosed a plot but I'm sure its forthcoming.

There were, however some issues with your story--some stumbling blocks that interrupted the flow. I think you could strengthen it's effectivenss with some editing and rewriting. I'm not going to pull-the-wool over your eyes and say there were just a few, actually, there were a lot of areas which could benefit from refining and polishing. However, I will say, they're all easy to address if you choose and please keep in mind, they're only my opinion. *Wink*

believe in the Devil or other form of demon this phrase seems to be a bit awkward, as if it's missing something...it's the last part "or other form of demon."

experience as a paranormal investigator that anything is possible whenever a ghost or demon is concerned, and that people as a whole, are capable of almost anything. Here just wanted to point out a little repetition.

Over the next several months[,] we conducted perhaps a comma after 'months' for pause?

Dr. Welch explained that he was involved with a group that conducted investigations in New York. He told us that a family in Plattsburgh had filled out one of his online questionnaires and claimed to have a haunting, which seemed to be of a demonic nature. He explained that he had conducted a telephone interview with the father and also had a colleague who practiced remote-viewing conduct a viewing of the house in question. I struck out some of the 'thats'. While that is useful and sometimes necessary, oft times we use it too much simply because we use 'that' a lot when we speak. I struck out some. See what you think.


The smell of gourmet coffee hitting my nose as I exit the shower. Here, this sentence is fragmented. You may want to attach it to the previous sentence or you can add 'was' hitting

Kelsey as usual, reluctantly dragging herself out of bed after three taps on the snooze button. same here, fragment. Perhaps Kelsey, as usual reluctantly dragged herself out of bed?

fixed a couple of steak and fries in relation to couple, steak should be plural as is fries.

Clay said that his friend had stayed only one night In this sentence, using both 'had' and 'that' weight your sentence down. You can omit one or the other or both for a more active sentence.

Justin[,] their son[,] has claimed to have seen two separate ghosts in his bedroom and at times while trying to sleep, there has been a black, winged creature sitting on his bed. just a couple of comma suggestions in brackets and the use of has/have makes the sentence a bit awkward. You could omit the 'has' of use 'of' in place of have? Just thoughts to ponder.

While Clay has related all of these things to the professor, has claimed to hear voices himself, and see figures moving about on the property...he is not scared or excited. This sentence needs a little TLC. Just a bit awkward as it's written now. It seems to be missing something as well. I find if I read a sentence our loud, I can usually hear the issue.

I had spent the night drinking cup after cup of coffee and leafing through, reading chapters in just about every demonology and paranormal book on my shelves perhaps add 'and' between leafing through and read chapters?


Don't get discouraged. I'm sure it seems like I've picked this apart. I only offer my opinion because I think this is worthy of a determined rewrite in the areas I mentioned above. This has such grand potential and promises to be a suspenseful, evocative and thought-provoking read. I did enjoy the history, the facts and all the information. I thing you have done a fantastic job with character development and with authenticating your character's expertise! Bravo!

If you decide some of my observations are worthy, I'd like to reread the changes you've made if you'd like me to. *Wink*

I do hope this has been useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


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178
178
Review of Time  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hey There SlayMe *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I like the aesthetic quality and tone of your story. There is this profound melancholy and hopelessness that gives your story a lot of emotion. Excellent!

I think you have the substance of what could be an asorbing exposition on time and regrets and pain. But it reads like a first draft to me. With a little refining and rewriting this could be very thought-provoking and dramatic.

One of the first things I notice is, your story seems to lack focus. I understand one of the themes is the pain of rejection and hopelessness but the story doesn't seem to flow from that perspective. It seems to jump from thought to thought and so could benefit from conceptualizing one theme and developing your story from that. For such a short item, there is the knife, the loss of a love, betrayal, the rain, a host of emotions and time, even God. So it makes your story busy and a bit unfocused. I think it;s ok to have many themes but one should be the result of the other with underlying themes which are subtle rather than so prominent. As a reader it makes me question, what exactly is his motivation for wanting to take his own life. Is it the rain, the unrequited love, one of the emotions or all, or time? Do you see where I'm going with this?

Also, some of your sentences were fragmented which interrupted the flow of the story because there were abrupt end stops or pauses. Then you moved to another thought or theme. So it made for a choppy read rather than flowing with ease.
For instance:
The hour has come to rid myself of vanity and pain as I look at how seductive the glisten of the silver knife.
This thought seems unfinished to me. As if it's missing something. And the same with the following sentence. It has some wonderful evocative elements but the last part seems unfinished. Perhaps: It was as if the sun woke only to permit me to see her eyes--oh what beautiful eyes, her smile--what wonder in that smile, and her lips, oh--then the last part of your sentence fails me...so it needs clarifying,
It was as if the sun woke up only to permit me to see the eyes- oh, what beautiful eyes-, her smile- what wonder is in that smile- and her lips- oh, what is it that is much sweeter than hers- that I never uttered a word in hatred or in its other infinite forms.

But did my lady succumb to the prancing jester? To my painful regret, my lady did fall succumb to the diverting ways of the jester. here you used succumb twice and then wrote fall succumb which is basically the same think. Perhaps find another word?

The biggest reader block was the change in tense. This was an issue throughout you story. I will highlight a few to give you an idea of where some of the issues are. .
From then on, every night, before I close my eyes, I feel the once radiant glow of my chest be demoted to a pale and cold shimmer. All the glorious memories of the year’s youth drifted into fragment, so far they drifted that it is an impossibility to recollect them. Some changes in tense that need to be addressed. For instance: "From then on, before I closed my eyes, the radiant glow of my love became a pale cold shimmer. well something like that...watch you tense and some of your images are too ambiguous. Simplify. *Wink*

One by one, I feel my senses be unchained from my mortal body floating away to the infinity of the worlds. And I lied there, unmoving, cold and pale, wetted in my own crimson life, and the only sensation was Death’s frosty embrace while my heart rejoices- unbeating in its triumph. Here again, some changes in tense and some of your images are vague. Maybe: One by one, my emotions parted from my body, unchained and floating to infinity and beyond. And I laid there, unmoving, cold and sinking into the wetness of my crimson life spilling from me and death's frosty embrace taunting me, triumphantly I succumb. Well you may not like my words, but I'm sure you get my point.

Some of your thoughts are just lovely. The aesthetic quality of your story is evocative and yet it's difficult to understand exactly what's going on. I know there is a plot and there are multiple themes but it's lacking focus and some of the sentences and images are vague and the tenses need to be addressed.

There is something oddly poetic about your story. It has grand potential but needs focus and editing. This is a gem of a story waiting to shine after a little polishing.

I do hope you found this useful. And I do hope this review is taken in the spirit for which it was intended.

Write on and then Write on some more!


*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.

179
179
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hey There Special K *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your story offered on the Shameless Plug page so I stopped to get familiar with Cricket Lake. And I'm so glad I did. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What a simple but sweet story. Very well written and a pleasure to read. For being so short, I thought your character development was very well thought out and developed. You constructed your scene very well and gave us something to cheer about! What could be better than that? *Wink*

I thought you presented your story with a lot of emotion and with realness. Your plot unfolded with such grace and poignancy. I've said it many times before, oft times simple can just be better. No extravagant words, no intricate details and yet your story was so heart-warming. You presented the story of this young boy, gave us reason to care about him, gave him reason to appreciate life and we couldn't help but be moved. Bravo!

He was what we should all strive to be. He is courageous and loving, generous and hopeful. It was a sheer joy reading how much he loved life and his family. His joy in the simplest things in life was infectious. Superb!

I saw nothing I would suggest changing. Simple and yet profound. Beautiful!

Well, this was a short stay for me. usually, I have observations and suggestions. Not this day, for this story. *Wink* Write on!

Well I hope you got something from this review.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


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180
180
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey There Little Cricket *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your story on the Shameless Plug page and stopped in for a review. i hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I like your sense of humor. I think it adds a welcome familiarity to your writing. I must say this is certainly inventive and original. Imagine that-a 'insignificant trash man who is introduced to his If. I thought it was clever calling your imaginary friend an "IF" *biglaugh* I think this story was enjoyable, unique and and peppered with a little irony.

What a sad life this Frank of yours has. But this is in part, why its appealing. Perhaps, big things do happen to "plain in a sea of chaos" Nice metaphor!

I think your characterization of Frank is good. The job description is almost too good -and smelly. Yeow! Especially the used____ gross! Ack *Shock* But, it is true. I liked the 'realness' of your story and your writing.

I do have some observations if I may?



You got used to it after a while, but when you're a greenhorn, that smell could turn your nostrils inside out and burn off any hair that even thought of growing. in said nasal cavatives. I think striking out the last part of the sentence makes it more powerful. We already know you're talking about the nostrils. We don't need every detail. *Wink*


reflexes tuned into getting the two steel cans emptied as fast as possible, he had the first up and done in the first fifteen seconds. I thought this sentence was a bit wordy. I think if you were to lessen some of the words, it might flow with more ease?


Now, it might not seem very impressive to shock this feeble looking kid, but after working his job, Frank could have told you that it was hard to shock him, anymore. Perhaps find another word for shock? it's best to make every word count.


Flopping down on his withered couch after his shift felt good to his cramped muscles, and he groaned out loud. The previous sentence is a bit awkward and ambiguous. Just needs rewriting for clarity.


And since it was distintive do you mean distinctive?


I enjoyed this peculiar story about a peculiar young man. There was a realness to it that makes the reader take notice. It is a bit quirky and unconventional but also creative. I think this has grand potential it just needs a little refining and polishing.

I do hope you found this useful.

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3*kjo just groovin *Flower3*


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181
181
Review of The Lexus  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hey There Chavaleo *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! You are receiving this review as a 'pay it forward' gesture. Thank you for visiting my port and reviewing one of my stories! I do hope you find my comments helpful and please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What I liked about this story was the 'irony' of the underlining message. It speaks volumes about what's important in life and what we should place our value in. Excellent job of weaving a 'lesson to be learned' in your story without be preachy.

In fact, the aesthetic quality of your story was raw and edgy. The added use of language specific to Gilbert and his ethnicity helped to authenticate your story, Superb!

Great use of action in your story...what a ride! Both literally and figuratively speaking! The pace was well balanced with the action and with plot of the story which unfolded with ease.

You did a good job with the developing the conflict and with a little twist at the end. Well done.

I do have some observations if I may?

What didn't work for me was there was no surprises because of all the narrators interjections which were not just opinionated but also they stole they story's chance of building suspense. The narrator was trying to be clever but instead, it was a bit annoying and as I was reading, it felt like the narrator was mocking the protagonists' ethnicity, his environment and his family, so I was a bit disturbed over this. The following excerpts are just some of the examples of interjections from the narrator I felt were interruptive. "Hell no…and where did this fool get fifty-five thousand dollars?” the thoughts of a classic gold-digger ____…! Stacy is having ___ with his wanna- be -actor neighbor on the same sheets they used last night. What a nasty ____!
Yes this Chicano has car insurance! Yeah, a Chicano named Kevin, go figure. I had a mentor's, a very wise man, once tell me, "If you think it's clever, it probably isn't "

The other issue I had is you telling the story as opposed to 'showing' . I didn't get a real sense of the setting. I wanted to see "East LA" feel the vibe, the energy the colors of East LA. I wanted to hear the music thumping...I wanted to smell the foods cooking. I wanted a sense of the neighborhood so I could envision it and so its spirit could come alive for me. Your story could benefit from details and descriptions.

Your characterization is good but Gilbert needs more developing. I don't understand his motivations. A little history about what compelled him to save for the Lexus...was it for status...was it because he was materialisitic, did he feel it would elevate him above everyone else he grew up with in the neighborhood? Was it because he's lacking self-worth? I felt like he had no pride in his accomplishments, in his self or in his family. He seemed such an outcast and he seemed ashamed of being Latino. It was a bit disheartening. On the same token, I do feel his lack of pride was intentional by the author to drive in the lesson to be learned, the moral in the story. But it could be more hard-driving and focused?
I hope I'm making sense here and not just babbling on *Wink*

And show us how Gilbert reacts rather than telling us. Show us how dejected he feels, or how positive he feels or how determined he feels. Give us mannerisms, body language, facial expressions ect. This will help to build characterization and to help the reader relate and care about what happens to Gilbert.

I do think you have a wonderful theme and plot. It teaches a powerful lesson about values and the importance of self-worth. I do like the 'substance' and aesthetic quality of the story but feels it's lacking some description, characterization, and suspense. I think this is worthy of a determined rewrite and promises to be poignant and profound with a little more attention to showing us Gilbert and his life rather than telling us.


Thank you for sharing and I do hope this is taken in the spirit of encouragement for which it was intended. And please do, Write on!

And because this is a 'pay it forward review' I'm adding the auto-rewards for reviewing this to my review. *Wink*

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


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182
182
Review of Family  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey there Meepsie *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I can tell from the POV and the tone of this quaint little story of family that in spite of the aggravations, you love your family. The emotions are infectious and help to make this story appealing. I think you've done a good job of introducing us to the entire family. Wow, there are so many. Usually so many names in such a short story can be confusing but you've weaved them all in effectively. *Wink*

Overall, I think this is well written. I do have a couple of small observations.

*Note1**Note1* Suggestions and Comments *Note1**Note1*

May I suggest you place your story in paragraphs with spaces between them? As it stands now, the mountain of text with no pauses for the reader is a bit daunting on the eyes. Not only will this help with the flow, but it will also make your story look more polished and professional. Presentation is important too.

There was one little typo. No big deal just used 'of in the following sentence when 'off' would be the correct word choice.

to take our minds of Teddy and Victoire snogging very publicly indeed, an unfortunate habit they seemed to have acquired the moment they met.

And finally, I'm not sure it's necessary to include the disclaimer or the 'intro' as you called it. Sometimes its best to just present the story and let the reader surmise. As a reader, I was able to grasp that Dom was Vic younger sister

I was a bit confused with the voice in the first and second paragrpah. It seemed Victoire was the pov in the opening because she was in disagreement with her mom...but then it seemed to switch to Dominique. I found this aspect a little startling. You may want to refine and clarify a bit so there is no question to whom the point of view is and so there is a smoother transition.

I did like all the slang and the verbiage you used pertinent to your cultural/ethnicity. It help to authenticate. Superb!

Overall, a quirky and entertaining little story full of enthusiasm and love. I think this has great promise. it just needs a little refining and polishing.

An excellent beginning for a first story! I do hope this has been useful.

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


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183
183
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey there Therese Moe {e;flower3}*Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request A Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

A short but well written story. I thought you constructed your scene well allowing the reader to visualize the man fantasizing about his past encounter with the woman in the blue leather jacket.

parts of it had a sensual essence without being heavy or explicit. The memory aspect was full of longing with notes of sadness and sweetness.I got a clear sense of the woman drenched from the rain and savoring her hot coffee.

You did a superb job of giving the reader just enough of the history to know he was a part of her past, had regrets but also was thankful for what they shared.

There was an air of romanticism to your scene...and I clearly sensed his heartache when he looked up and she was gone.

I have no suggestions and saw nothing I felt needed editing.

I do hope this has been useful. Thanks for inviting me in to read an evocative look at a relationship no longer congenial and one man's regrets about what couldn't be.

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


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184
184
Review of Pawn En Prise  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hey silverfeathers *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the request a review page and loved the title so thought I'd drop by for a review. Hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perpspective.

You've done a fantastic job writing this story! What I loved most was how life-like and real your charcters where. You gave them such mannerisms and body language and reactions. You've spent a good amount of time successfully developing your characters. Write on!

Too, you constructed each scene exceptionally well. I got a clear sense of the setting, of the royalty, of the dilemma and the ensuing conflict. Superb!

Though I suspected Keira would be sacrificed to preserve the family, it didn't matter because you weaved your story masterfully with near perfect word choices making most every word count. No wordiness, not too many adverbs and a nice balance of complex and simple sentences! Awesome!

Your story unfolded with ease and kept me engaged and excited about what would happen next. Which I think is amazing considering the length of this story.

Writing, as you know, isn't easy and it's even more difficult to keep the reader intrigued and compelled to read on, especially me, I get bored with a story. I was surprised when I got to the end and wanted to know what was going to happen next. And to think, I almost backed out when I saw how long it was. Bravo!


I do have a few small observations. They didn't jar me much but did alert me a bit and force me to read a sentence a couple of times.

Verril grabbed hold of his son's arm to prevent a further outburst. There was a look in his eyes like that of a man try to repair a leaking dam with his finger.
I thought you could omit the 'a' in the first part and the part I underlined is a bit confusing. as if something is missing.

Something in his manner nudged the puzzle pieces into place, and in a flash Keira saw the pattern they formed with crystal finality,[.][She] knew now the real reasons behind Prince Alddyn's insistence on her marriage to Zaszriel Morecai, beyond even those to which he had already professed.

Perhaps a period after 'finality' and then add the Pronoun 'She' so the subject is a bit more clear?

For a story of this length, these small little glitches are nothing compared to how Impeccable the story is as a whole.

Great job with utilizing many of the elements of effective story writing, from characters to action, to conflict to voice and setting, and most important I felt like you were showing us rather than just telling us a story! Outstanding! It seems you written a fine story, evocative and appealing.

Thanks for transporting me to another era and for giving me suspense, drama and action! I do hope this has been useful. *Wink*


*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


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185
185
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey angelish *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings I saw your item listed on the Request a Review page and clicked in, Thank goodness I didn't have to "refresh" or "reboot" haha. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the sprit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

You're right I did chuckle but not until after I felt your frustration. Wow! What a way to plan a trip. Welcome to the wonder of the world wide web. haha.

All I can say is you lucky dawg...at least you got to go to Paris. Inspite of the issues and the issues and the well, issues, you made it , you did it! *Wink*

I thought you did a good job of presenting your story. It was well written and easy to read. I felt your aggravation too!

I suspect many world and not- so-worldly travelers feel your pain of booking vacations, hotels and rental cars on the internet. I' try to refrain for this very reason. I would surely make a mockery of it all.

I saw nothing I could suggest changing. It was simply your experience shared which was easy to read and the bonus was, I thought it was entertaining and humorous. I'd say then, you did it! *Wink*

I do hope this was useful. Thanks for reiterating to me why you should ever book vacations on the Internet. *Bigsmile*

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*

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186
186
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey Anum *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and decided to stop in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

There is a sweetness to your story that's very appealing. I love the hope Tina stubbornly maintains. I got a great sense of her anger and her sadness as well. Great job with engaging the reader with her emotions.

I think you have the beginnings a a story with grand potential. As is stands now, it needs a little refining and polishing. The biggest issue for me was the passive rather than active voice, the wordiness and how much you overused Tina's and Grandpa's name. It was a bit intrusive and interfered what otherwise could have been a smooth flow and pace.

I do have some suggestions if I many

*Note1**Note1* Suggestions and Comments *Note1**Note1*

In the following sentences I copied from your story, I will strike out some words or make some editing suggestions you may want to consider.

It was her birthday, and there was a big party thrown for her. But she was sitting silently in the garden, not talking with any of her friends. "
Perhaps: In honor of her birthday a big party was thrown. Tina wasn't in the mood for celebrating so she sat in the garden refusing to talk with her friends.
A few less words and more active voice.

Grandpa used to love Tina very much. I think the issue with this sentence is it makes It sound like Grandpa couldn't love her anymore because he was dead. I think is a bit too final. It gives many families peace to know we can still be loved even though their physical bodies are deceased. Just athough to ponder.

Whenever he came to visit her, he brought a lot of toys and chocolates for her, and he used to tell told her a lot of interesting stories. Whenever Tina was ill, he'd would come and bring fruits for her and take care of her. If Tina needed anything, she just had to ask for it to Grandpa, and Grandpa would make sure Tina gets what she had asked for. she gets it.
} To minimize the wordiness and the excessive use of Tina and grandpa, i struck out a few words. What do you think?


Tina used to assure[ed] her grandfather everyday, and it always made him smile. Grandpa used to smile when she said this.
Just struck out some unnecessary words.

And then, on her birthday, she was refusing to cut the cake Mamma has so lovingly prepared for her, until Grandpa comes with the big doll Here there is a abrupt shift in tenses and voice. I underlined some of the problems.


Tom was Grandpa's identical twin brother,[.] and Tina had never seen him before as he used met him because he lived in another country. He had just moved to this country previous week. When Tina had been so sad, her parents had called him and When her parents saw how sad she was, they asked him to pretend be Tina's grandpa and he agreed happily. explained him the situation, and Uncle Tom had agreed to talk with Tina as her grandfather.
here I made a few editing suggestions. I felt this series of sentences were wordy. Just thoughts to consider.

You have a nice story here. its sweet and you've done exceptionally well with capturing the essence of Tina, her sadness and her stuborness. This story oozes love and care. There is a tenderness to it that's appealing and I loved how the parents got creative to make Tina happy. You have the substance here. it just needs a little editing to remove the wordiness and to cut back on the intrusiveness of all the proper nouns and pronouns. Active voice and direct words are important to the effectivenss of your meaning. This is worthy of determined rewrite. The power of love in this story is poignant!

I do hope this has been useful and that it was taken in the spirit of encouragement for which it was intended

write on and then write on some more!
*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*

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187
Review of Another Sunday  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey Dirrtz *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What was great about this story is how well you captured the voice of the young boy. You didn't elude to how old he was but I could sense he was young.

I also thought you built suspense very well allowing the plot to unfold with ease. The reactionsgave a pretty clear picture of this terrified young boy and the frustration of his parents. Well done!

I do have some suggestions if I may?

*Note1**Note1*Suggestions and Comments *Note1**Note1*


I think your story would be more presentable if you were to consider placing spaces between your paragraphs. As it stands now the mountain of text is difficult on the eyes.

Also there were a few awkward sentences you may want to consider rewriting to clarify.


Brady pleaded to his mom, holding his birthday-present, a brand new blue teddy bear, tightly at the same time. I think this sentence might be more effective if you were to switch it around some. The 'at the same time' at the end is too far away from the action of holding. Perhaps: Brady pleaded to his mom as he clutched his brand new blue teddy bear as tightly as he held his mom. Well something to that effect.


They didn’t get along too well. Ever since Joy was born they hadn’t been getting along. In this sentence, I wanted to point out a little redundancy.

As Brady carefully looked around the room, looking for any anomalies, he wished it didn’t. here again, a little redundancy with 'look' and I'm not sure what the last part of this sentence is saying? It seems unfinished. He wished he didn't what/


His drink if he ever got thirsty at night. This sentence seems fragmented.

The only other suggestion I have is while you have presented a plot and resolution to the 'conflict' , it seems a bit unfinished as a whole. I think its fantastic you allowed the reader to wonder what the light is that frightened the boy and enlisted such a frightening reaction from the father and mother, but I think a little more back story would help clear up any questions and add more drama and suspense.

One important element of story writing as you know, is to lull the reader into the story by showing us more than telling us. I think this could use a bit more show with details and reaction or actions.

I think you have a story here worthy of determined rewrite. It promises to be suspenseful and compelling. It just needs a little more refining and developing.

I do hope this has been useful. Thank you for sharing your story and for inviting me in for a read and review!

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


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188
188
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey Padfoot [misses All-State] *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your poem on the Shameless Plug page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Aaah yes, appealing to the dreamer in all of us! I like the wit of "You know You want to read it" Essentially, this is why I decided to stop in but after reading your poem, was glad I clicked in.

I thought your poem had a lovely essence to the overall tone. I could sense the variety of emotions as you gave the reader a few different scenarios of this 'dreamer'

There was this pleasing aesthetic quality to your poem with a cadence arising out of the natural rhymes, flowing with ease as your poem unfolded. Excellent!

I was taken aback a little from the quotations. I'm wondering if they are necessary. Since you introduced each subject at the beginning of each stanza, I thought the quotes were a bit pretentious. Just a thought to consider.

I liked the simplicity of your poem and its theme. It was relate able and appealing because it encompassed not just one dreamer's dream but many though you only presented four. In this sense it had a worldly appeal to it.

The only other observation I have is it seems a Little unfinished. I'm not sure the last stanza is complete. I think it could use another couple of lines to balance out the rest of the stanzas. This would help to polish and finish.

Otherwise, a euphonious poem for the dreamer in all of us. Thanks for inviting me in.

I do hope this has been useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*

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189
189
Review of The Mission  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

*Flower3**Flower3* Hey Thomas *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.


Good use of action. I thought you constructed your scenes very well which helped your plot unfold with ease. I enjoyed your story and I think you did well with building suspense which helped to add an element of intrigue and mystery. I do have a few editing suggestions if I may?

*Note1**Note1* Suggestions and Comments *Note1**Note1*

Your formatting is off a bit. Toward the end of this chapter, you may want to line up you sentences. As it stands now, the lack of structure creates abrupt line breaks interfering with the flow of your story. For instance:


I could see my face through the crystal.

Yet, I could not worry about that now.
The power of the arrow I had shot sent the curtains ablaze.
Me and the poor girl rushed out of the room.
When we got out onto the street[,] I lifted the masking spell from her.
I noticed her face for the first time that night.
Her face was wrong. the inconsistency in the sentence breaks makes for a choppy read. Also, I struck out the 'had' which isn't always necessary, added a comma for pause and 'out' can be omitted because if you are running out of a building onto the street writing 'out' is a bit redundant. The reader's can surmise this on their own. *Wink*


As I contemplated these thoughts in my head[,] I took a step onto the hotel balcony. thoughts are usually in the 'head' so it's not necessary to write it out...it makes it a bit repetitive. *Wink*

phenomena's as voodoo, the various ghost hunting's, and of course the extremely high murder rate of the city. i don't think the plural on phenomena is necessary. It's not possessing anything.

because it was their only fun. The only reason

Just a little repetitive use of a superfluous word 'only'

SIlo Just a little typo. I'm sure you meant Silo?

These are just minor typos and easy to address if you choose. keep in mind, it's only of my opinion, just one reader's observations

I like the overall essence of this story. Nice use of intrigue and suspense and mystery. I feel you character needs more developing. A bit more history on why she feels like a freak compared to others would help the reader connect and care.

I think you did a fantastic job of constructing your scenes and giving the reader lots of action and conflict. Awesome!

I think this story promises a superb read once some of the little glitches are refined and polished. The setting is perfect. So much history , magic and mayhem in New Orleans! You're off to a very good start!

I do hope this has been useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


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190
Review of Mocha Latte  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey Hestia *Flower3* *Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and thought I'd stop in for a read. Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What I enjoyed about your story is the overall tone and aesthetic quality. It was sensuous with an edge but not explicit. I could sense the passion and the tension. it was like this beautiful dance where each partner is trying to wield dominion over each other, to will each other into submission without submitting. Excellent!

Each scene was powerful in itself. I liked the little bit of history you weaved in. It helped to give a slight understanding of her power as well as her vulnerabilities and fear.

I think you've written the 'dance' between the two, effectively, this give and take, love and hate electrical charge between them came through loud and clear. Superb!

Some of your language was gorgeous. Well chosen words...their meaning defined and yet ambiguous at the same time (if I'm making any sense to you, my observation of this is difficult to put into words. ) Your descriptions are charged with this tantalizing passion between the two and yet, the overall story was difficult to follow. Which leads me to some observations If I may?


*Note1**Note1* Suggestions and Comments *Note1**Note1*


Your story, for me, is lacking symmetry. There is no structure to your scenes; they are like individual little preludes which don't flow into one another. As a result your story doesn't unfold with ease. It seems kind of fragmented like some of your sentences.

For instance, the sentences I underlined are fragments. Sometimes, fragments are useful tools in writing because they jar the reader and give them reason to pause or think, but they can also be overused. I think your story from one scene to the next is fragmented rather than fluid.

Accidentally flowing like a latte spilt into a mocha java. Separate but swirling into a mess of rich strands of browns. Flowing constantly out from her brow. Dripping over onto the untouched perfection of caramel, dipping slightly into the dark chocolate of her eyes. This is lovely language rich and evocative and yet. fragmented. Give the reader reason to pause by allowing them opportunity to savor your words...make it a slow dance like a tango rather than a cha-cha danced by novices. {is that a dance? *Bigsmile* If you catch my meaning. *Wink*

This is a passionate and heady story. Rich in description, passionate and evocative in tone. I think this has grand potential and promises to stir up the emotions of any reader. Your passion comes through in volumes and the writing is edgy and fearsome. Yet, your story lacks focus. Perhaps its because you have yet to }reveal a plot so its kind of floundering around.

I did enjoy its essence its got a lot of deep passion, sensuousness and you've demonstrated some sexy writing without be crude. I did enjoy this evocative cat and mouse struggle for control. I do hope this has been useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*kjo just groovin *Flower3*


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191
Review of Monsters  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hey ds1r3d *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! Congratulations on having your story featured in this weeks Action/Adventure newsletter. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What I liked about this was how well you presented the action. Excellent job of giving your character conflict to overcome and action which helped to move the plot along. I thought you did a fantastic job of helping the reader sense your character's fear, dread and alarm.

You built and maintained suspense very well. I couldn't help but wonder if this was really happening to Karen or if she was just a bit touched and was mad with deranged illusions. So excellent job with the suspension of disbelief!


I do have a few observations if I may?

*Note1**Note1*Suggestions and Comments *Note1**Note1*

Some of your sentences are structured a bit awkward. You may want to consider rewriting for clarity and for effectiveness.


The wind started to blow, knocking off some of the leaves that were hanging listlessly on some of the trees that fell only falling a few hundred [feet]away from me, whispering that it was going to be winter would be here soon.
In the above sentence, the tenses were off a bit and there was some repetition and wordiness. I took it upon myself to strike out some of the redundancy, wordiness and the superfluous word 'that' which is oft times, overused and unnecessary. And you were missing a word. I think it reads a bit smoother and the meaning of your words are more effective and profound?



I shivered inside, thinking about that grin, it wasn’t frightening. A little confusion here. If she shivered inside wouldn't it mean she was frightened rather than wasn't?


I saw him take no effort as to place it firmly on top of his head so it wouldn't go blowing down the street. Here I think your sentence is a bit awkward as well. Perhaps "it took little effort for him to place his hat firmly on his head so it would'nt go blowing down the street? I think a more active voice is imperative here?

Towering people of six and seven feet tall bodies; I know what you're trying to say but it's lacking continuity and thus is confusing. Maybe: People with bodies six and seven feet tall towered over me.

I got up, wrapping my thin jacket around me as my teeth starting to click together as I walked my way home. here again a little repetition with 'as I and as my" and it's construction is a little awkward. Perhaps: As I got up, I wrapped my thin jacket around me. My teeth were clicking reminding me of how cold it was. I needed to get home. Something to that effect.

as if I was some sort of walking disease that he could clearly see on my body. a bit vague and awkward sentence structure. He glared at me as if I was some sort of walking disease. It sent chills through me.

You have done a superb job with suspense and action and yet I kept getting tripped up on the inconsistency in your sentence structure. Some were well written, others were vague, repetitious and awkward.

Your ability to move the plot along with action was wonderful! But this does need some refining and polishing.

Finally, the mountain of text is a bit daunting on the eyes.Perhaps you'd consider placing your sentences in paragrpahs, indented, with spaces between. Not only will this help the reader but it also serves to make your story look polished and professional. Presentation is important too. *Wink*

What a mind you have. I found this to be chilling, inventive and creepy. You've done great with action and suspense. This promises to be a first-rate horror story but does need some attention to detail and sentence structure. Otherwise, a fine read.

Again, congratulations on the selection of your story for the newsletter.

i do hope you've taken this in the spirit of encouragement for which it was intended.

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3*kjo just groovin *Flower3*


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192
192
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hey Toasted in Transition *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the request a review page and stopped in for a read. I'm so glad I did! I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Holy Cow! What and adventure for a ten year old. I love the "i'll show you attitude" *Wink*
This was a fine story. You constructed your scenes very well which helped to move the plot along with ease. Write on!

I love all the action and the reactions of your young protagonist as he ventured toward Slug Pie Beach. What a name, what a journey. What a disturbing discovery at the end. Yeow! I was actually waiting for him to discover leeches feeding on him after he trudged then faltered through the murky pond *Shock* I think your young man was rather courageous.

Excellent job with characterization and POV. I really felt you captured the voice of this young boy. You did a superb job of making him life-like with all his reactions, body language and self-talk. Fantastic! I was rooting for him as he meandered through hoping he'd be victorious.

Too, superb job with building suspense. He discovered so many oddities along the way and had a few challenges that would have frightened off even the most staunch. I like the fact you made him vulnerable. He didn't believe he was invincible but he was determined to reach his goal. What a great lesson in tenacity..

I do have a small observation to make.

*Note1**Note1*Suggestions and Comments *Note1**Note1*

I thought your opening sentence was a bit drawn out and wordy. Because this is one of the most important sentences in a story whose imminent purpose is to hook the reader, you may want to consider rewriting for effectiveness.

Rudy had never in the world thought he would get this close, but here he was, standing tall atop the left shoulder of Old Ogre Rock, with only Slug Pie Beach in his way! I took it upon myself to strike out a few words which may help your sentence read smoother. Just a thought to consider.

You really made great use of many of the elements of story writing and they were effectively executed! You stayed consistent and focused on the prize. You brought your character to life. You gave us action and conflict for your protagonist to overcome. You built suspense and then gave us an unexpected twist and even made us smile a bit with the thong Oooowooand Ugh!. Your clue was so subtle I didn't expect the end until it came. Bravo!

This was , for the most part, well written, most every word used for effectiveness. With a little tweak to the opening, this will be a first rate young adult story all ages can enjoy. It was filled with adventure, mystery and suspense. It was inventive,
simple yet not simplistic and thoroughly enjoyable.

I hope you found this useful.

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


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193
193
Review of Thomas  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey SQJPure *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

You kept me in suspense until the final couple of sentences. I had no idea of the setting and it never crossed my mind so it was a nice twist to your ending. Great Job with building suspense!

There were parts of your story that were rather Ack! all the vomit and blood...but what it did, was make me beleive he was in a sanitarium or his studio. So even though it was a bit gross, it did serve to support the twists in your storyline.

Too, I was surprised of his crime. It seemed to come from nowhere which helped to build suspense and give a sense of completeness to his internal/external conflict.

This was a tortured man. I felt you did a decent job of presenting and maintaining his personal torture. You story has some of the same essence of a Poe-like storyline, but there are some issues that need to be addressed.

I have some observations if I may.

*Note1**Note1*Suggestions and Comments *Note1**Note1*


Thomas didn't pay head to it until a flash of red caught his eye. Proofreading is vital to how a story is rated and received. The underlined word isn't misspelled, but it is the wrong word choice. Do you mean heed?


The sink was red. Another ruby red drop fell from his face hitting the center of the sunk causing perfect ripples in the water. Here again, not a misspelled word but the wrong word choice. Do you mean sink"

Thomas sighed again using his shoulder to wipe another solitary tear that dissolved into notice do you mean nothing?

One solitary tear fell to the ground. It had started clear but grew dark red and fell to the ground alone. I think you could increase the dramatic effect if you were to consider removing 'had' and changed the sentence around a bit such as: A solitary tear fell turning red before it splattered onto the cold floor staining it
a bright crimson shade.
Or something to that effect.

Maybe everything was going to be alright[;] maybe this piece of s*** would mean something to someone and I'd live forever as a part of something... I think you need a semicolon after alright.

Of course my hands shaking Thomas thought through what felt like a gritted brain,
In the above sentence, you seem to be missing a word. Perhaps 'are'?

Using his shoulders and legs[,] Thomas worked I suggest a comma after 'legs'

The only other observation I have is to say how important it is to make every word count. You want your words to pound in the meaning and to support the theme and plot in every way. You have much of the substance. it's a good story. You've done well with building suspense. There are some unexpected twists so this is great.

I do think this needs some polishing and refining. A solid effort on proofreading will help with the flow of your story and increase the effectiveness.

This is worthy of a determined rewrite and promises to be a suspenseful and dramatic story. It does needs some editing and rewriting, but its part of the process.

I do hope this has been useful and I hope this was taken in the spirit of encouragement for which it was intended.

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*



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194
194
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey Aaron *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a review page and stopped in for a review. i hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

This works as a prologue. it generates some intrigue and I found it to be thought-provoking. I do have a few observations if I may?

*Note1* Suggestions and Comments *Note1**Note1*

I think if you'd consider placing your writing in some semblance of order it would help with the presentation. As it stands now, the abrupt line breaks and inconsistent formatting make for a choppy read. Perhaps placing in paragrpahs, indented with a space between each one? I think this would help give it a more polished appearance. Presentation is important too. *Wink*

We all dream of being special, whether we be the lowliest janitor... ." The underlined part of this phrase within your sentence sounds incorrect to me. I think it would make for a smoother read if your were to consider changing it to: 'whether we are the lowliest of janitors...?"or even, whether we are the lowliest janitor. "

And finally, you overuse the common word 'that' a bit too much. Oft times, 'that' can be removed from our sentences althoghter. We tend to rely on it because we use 'that' so often in our speech. For instance:
That,With a bit of help, you could fly, re-grow limbs,Then what if I told you that the scientists that did this to you would consider you their experiment, their property; That to test your...skills... Just some thoughts for you to ponder.

I like where this is going. As I mentioned earlier, it does create some questions...making me wonder where this is going and it seems there will be plenty of mystery, drama and suspense.

With a few minor editing changes, this promises to be an intriguing prologue to a
inventive concept.

I do hope this has been helpful.

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


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195
Review of MY DOMAIN  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey smithy *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your poem on the Request a Review page and clicked in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader''s perspective.

You did a good job of telling a story with your poem, beginning with a theme, supporting it and then maintaining it throughout.

Your words seemed well chosen and were effective in getting your point across.

Your rhymes seemed natural and flowed with ease from one line to the next

The only interruption in flow and cadence was the fourth couplet:
You want it use it, we know there’s much more’
Mankind’s old motto, but now you’re not sure

For me the rhythm didn't work in the above instance. I read it a number of times trying to make it sound right. I think the message is timeless and valid, but it seems something is off.

This is a decent poem , well written with a profound message. it makes you think and wonder and perhaps it will even inspire readers to make amends and changes and treat all nature with respect and reverence. In this respect, your words are powerful.

I saw no specific errors and I have no suggestions other than reconsidering the above mentioned lines.

The strength of this poem is the truth it speaks and the desecration so innate in human nature.

Thanks for telling us like it is. it's a message we can always stand to hear.

Poem on and then Poem on some more!

*Flower3* Kjo just groovin *Flower3*

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196
196
Review of The Closet  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey U. Knowe-Meenott *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I think it's rather difficult to recreate a dream or night mare for that matter. They are either too vague and unfocused or they are too descriptive. Most of the time, there are too many inconsistencies.

I think you did a good job of maintaining the theme through out the story. You did a super job of building suspense.

The story falls a bit short for me because It wasn't scary, just peculiar. You spent a good amount of time building the suspense, then presented a decayed corpse with a sick sense of humour. Even though it was a dream, It wasn't believable to me.

I think part of what this story is lacking is the element of believability. I realize it's a dream and it's not suppose to be resonable, but I think if you presented it as a story instead of cluing the reading in to the fact you are trying to recreate a dream, then perhaps this would be more horrific and chilling.

Too, I think if you were to consider changing the Point of View to third person narrative, it would help create the illusion of reality and horror.

You have a done a great job writing dialogue yet your characters are a bit flat rather than rounded. it's difficult to connect and care with them because they don't seem like-like. They need a bit more developing. You are telling us the mother is a bit distressed. You are telling us she hears noises but we need to see her getting distressed? Yes, her hair was rumbled and her eyes were red, but these are outward appearances. How does she react? We need to see action, we need to see her heart racing, her arms flailing wildly in the air. We need to see her son perhaps trying to protect her and the daughter's fear in order to beleive.

You have shown some excellent elements of story writing. And some have fallen short. This promises to be a great story, it just needs some refining and polishing.

I didn't see any grammatical or mechanical errors and that's excellent! It helps the story to flow without interruption. *Wink* I do think you could consider cutting back on superfluous words such as 'that' and had' but they're no t" wrong"

You have a grand idea here. I think it needs a little more developing and a bit more show than tell. I do think changing the POV will help with the 'believability' aspect of the story.

You're off to a great start. I see huge potential in this. It's worthy of a determined rewrite.

I do hope this has been useful and I hope it was taken in the spirit pf encouragement for which it was intended.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


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197
Review of Faded  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hey Pats First Auction *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! Your title drew me in and your mastery for words and emotion compelled me to continue on. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragment with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

This poem is Profound and Poingant. Beautifully written and wonderfully wise.

I could envision the clothes fading under the intensity of the summer sun. Your methaphors were prudent and your imagery was rich.

I love the simple pleasures of this poem, the gentle nudging and the prehension of your words.

You've said so much in so little space. Masterful. Every word had it's purpose and its place. Awesome!

There was this calming essence to your poem as it unfolded across the page, lulling us into understanding...almost delivering us from our worries, strife and concerns.

I saw nothing I would suggest changing.} Your message was inspiring, your words comforting and wise.

I do hope you found this to be as positive as I meant it to be.

Thank you for sharing such a eloguent and insightful poem

Poem on and then poem on some more!

*Flower3*kjo just groovin *Flower3*

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198
198
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey KristinKubash *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your story on the request a Review page. Thank you for inviting me in for a read and review. i hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I sense a beginning of an intrigue storyline, a journey for Liana once she discovers the powers of the magical ring. I sense there Will Be mystery and mayhem and magic all centered around a little fishing village.

You've done a Superb job with dialogue already. And you've given a couple of your charcters actions and reactions...little nuances specific to them. This is vital to character development and to making your characters life-like. Well done

You've established a storyline and nudged the reader toward a plot. excellent!

I do have some observations, if I may?

*Note1**Note1* Suggestions and observations *Note1**Note1*

One of the first observations is formatting. As it's presented now, there are abrupt sentence breaks which interrupt the flow and the pace of your story. Perhaps it was just copying from a word processing program to here, but it does read a bit choppy and rough.

Illani, leaves so suddenly. Just like that, leaving her husband? and her daughter behind. I'm sure you will develop this aspect of the storyline as the chapters continue. It's import for the reader's to understand why she left. We don't need pages of history just a sentence here and there. Right now, her character leaves a few questions unanswered.

You've done a wonderful job of setting up your scenes and beginning with action helps to keep the reader interested. *Wink*

I like the fact you've introduced a setting...and made a point of alluding to 'humans' and "Elasians."

I think this is going to be a gem of a story especially after you correct the formatting issue. Right now, this is the biggest factor holding this story back. otherwise, it's well written and you've hit the mark on many of the vital elements to effective story writing! *Wink* Awesome!

I hope this has been useful.

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


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199
199
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey nashpaty *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your poem listed on the Request a Review page so I stopped in for a read. Thank you for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I wouldn't change anything about the title. I think it works and it adds an element of intrigue. "Final Resting Place" is nice too so I think it's ok to have the Urdu language with the meaning in English. The Urdu gives your meaning authenticity.

I like your poem and its supplications. There is this soothing essence to the hope of being renewed and being forgiven as you pass through this life.

For me , the inconsistency of meter and rhyme were a bit constraining. I think your poem would be more effective if your first stanza were to rhyme as does the second and third.

Too, the erratic meter holds your line back somewhat.

For instance: you have a pattern of five and seven in the first stanza, then eight, nine, seven in the second stanza and finally, seven and five syllable counts. This creates an irregular pattern which interrupts the flow of your poem .

My last observation is the poem seems unfinished to me. Like there needs to be more said at the end of stanza three. It seems to stop abruptly.

This are all minor and they could just be me rather than 'issues'. *Wink*

Your first stanza was so rhythmic. Superb!

There is this hopeful quality to your poem...a joy rather than a melancholy tone which sometimes accompanies poems about death and 'after life' I found this aspect to be refreshing. I love the conviction in which this was written. This promises to be a gem of a poem. it's inspiring but I feel it needs a little polishing. Not much!

Thank you for the read. I do hope this has been useful.

Poem on and then Poem on som3e more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *flower*

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200
200
Review of Eleven Months  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey Gwenith M. Vehlow *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I was intrigued by your title so I had to stop in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

This was a moving and poignant story. Well written... nearly impeccable in its delivery.

I found it to be absorbing, drawing me and inciting me to feel the various emotions. I reveled in her pride of being a solider, felt the horror and sorrow of losing comrades, sensed the joy in the memories which brought solace. And was saddened by the fear of being forgotten. Superb!

I do have one observation to make and it is minor but this is such a compelling piece and it deserves to be all it can be.

*Note1**Note1* Suggestions and Observations *Note1**Note1*

From a technical standpoint there were a few issues with the execution and format.


I wasn’t like this when I first left. I had friends who wanted to be with me[,] I had a family who made sure that, no matter how far away I was, someone was taking care of me[,] I knew I was loved.
You may want to consider using either semicolons or periods in the areas where I've placed brackets because the comma's create run on sentences.

I saw some of them glance at the men, women, and children steering themselves down shiny floors and onto moving sidewalks—the fathers moving quickly to the proper gate[,] the mothers wrestling their little ones back to their sides[,] the little ones struggling with their miniature suitcases all covered in flowers and cartoon characters; the businessmen on the phone who didn’t bother to notice the sea of souls around them; the flight attendants wishing they could stay for just a little longer in just one city where not even one person would remember their name[,] the teenagers laughing about things that have never mattered and never will[,] the young women sizing up the men I love so fiercely…[.] None of them knew what we have lost, none of them will ever know.

In the above series of sentences there are commas where you should use either semi colons or periods other wise you have runon sentences.

This is minor, but it does raise an eyebrow while reading interrupting an otherwise smooth flow and pace.

In formatting, there are a few too many spaces between some of your sentences which interrupts the flow of your story.

The final paragrpah is a bit daunting. You may want to break it into two sections. Give the reader a moment to pause, to savor your words.

I admire the strength in this story. I praise your courage and your pride. I am saddened by the loss of comrades and for the horrors of war. You delivered this story with such grace. Your words were both scorching and mesmerizing as was the tone. Such a compelling and provocative piece.

I salute this gutsiness and tenderness of this soldier's journey and the memories which helped to keep her sanity.

I hope this ahas been helpful.

Please do write on and then, write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


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