*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kjowill/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/9
Review Requests: OFF
2,131 Public Reviews Given
2,174 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 5 6 7 8 -9- 10 11 12 13 14 ... Next
201
201
Review of Eleven Months  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey Gwenith M. Vehlow *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I was intrigued by your title so I had to stop in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

This was a moving and poignant story. Well written... nearly impeccable in its delivery.

I found it to be absorbing, drawing me and inciting me to feel the various emotions. I reveled in her pride of being a solider, felt the horror and sorrow of losing comrades, sensed the joy in the memories which brought solace. And was saddened by the fear of being forgotten. Superb!

I do have one observation to make and it is minor but this is such a compelling piece and it deserves to be all it can be.

*Note1**Note1* Suggestions and Observations *Note1**Note1*

From a technical standpoint there were a few issues with the execution and format.


I wasn’t like this when I first left. I had friends who wanted to be with me[,] I had a family who made sure that, no matter how far away I was, someone was taking care of me[,] I knew I was loved.
You may want to consider using either semicolons or periods in the areas where I've placed brackets because the comma's create run on sentences.

I saw some of them glance at the men, women, and children steering themselves down shiny floors and onto moving sidewalks—the fathers moving quickly to the proper gate[,] the mothers wrestling their little ones back to their sides[,] the little ones struggling with their miniature suitcases all covered in flowers and cartoon characters; the businessmen on the phone who didn’t bother to notice the sea of souls around them; the flight attendants wishing they could stay for just a little longer in just one city where not even one person would remember their name[,] the teenagers laughing about things that have never mattered and never will[,] the young women sizing up the men I love so fiercely…[.] None of them knew what we have lost, none of them will ever know.

In the above series of sentences there are commas where you should use either semi colons or periods other wise you have runon sentences.

This is minor, but it does raise an eyebrow while reading interrupting an otherwise smooth flow and pace.

In formatting, there are a few too many spaces between some of your sentences which interrupts the flow of your story.

The final paragrpah is a bit daunting. You may want to break it into two sections. Give the reader a moment to pause, to savor your words.

I admire the strength in this story. I praise your courage and your pride. I am saddened by the loss of comrades and for the horrors of war. You delivered this story with such grace. Your words were both scorching and mesmerizing as was the tone. Such a compelling and provocative piece.

I salute this gutsiness and tenderness of this soldier's journey and the memories which helped to keep her sanity.

I hope this ahas been helpful.

Please do write on and then, write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
202
202
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey Seeker *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and decided to stop in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

One of the elements of story writing I felt were successful in this story is emotion. I did feel a deep sense of passion, love and lament from your character. Superb! Job of inciting emotion in the reader!

There was sufficient action which help to move the story along. excellent!

You have an intriguing title. It inventive and creative. It seemed the man's journey to peace was long, torturous and yet there were moments of profound love and loss as well . This aspect, and the above mentioned components were essential to the effectiveness of parts of your story. Other parts left me a bit baffled.

First, I wonder about the use of quotations at the beginning of each paragrpah? I realize he is speaking...narrating a story but it might make more sense if you were to omit the quotes and put his speech in italics?

Also, while there was action and romance and conflict...there wasn't any defined plot. I had a difficult time following his journey. it seemed to either end abruptly or begin from nowhere. So I was a little bemused and kept wondering if I'd missed something.

I do have some observations if I may?

*Note1**Note1*Suggestions and Comments *Note1**Note1*

Perhaps consider varying the length of your sentences more. You have exhibited some longer sentences here and there...but for the most part they are short and create a choppy read and quicken the pace. You can control the pace by not just giving the reader pause but also by varying the lengths of the sentences. The reader needs to savor the words, the action, the romance...it was so quickfire , such a whirlwind...slowing it down a bit will give the reader more time to connect and care about his love, his loss and his lamenting.

In the following sentence. The overuse of the word 'had' drags your sentences out and weighs it down. Yes, 'had' is useful and needed, but not always necessary. I struck the had's out and made a few small changes. Do you sense a difference when you read it aloud?

"We'd had heard a rumor, that a former knight, a deserter, had taken took refuge in a small town not far off. We had gotten it into our heads to decided it necessary to being him to justice.

Somehow, what was simply a knight’s desertion, almost a generation before us, had become a personal insult to us all, and we wanted revenge. We followed the man’s two daughters that the naive merchant had pointed out to us. One was constantly off in the woods, often alone. However, we weren’t sure that was her, it looked like a boy. I think this above sentences would benefit from a rewrite. It's just a bit wordy.

For a while, I feared I would not get her far enough away, the others kept too close pursuit.. In the previous sentence, the comma after 'away' make it a comma splice because it's two complete sentences. Also, the second part is missing a word?

With a sardonic grin at himself, this is a peculiar image to me. It seems a sardonic grin at himself could only be visualized if looking in to a mirror.

and when I looked back up she was gone. I could hear her, though, she hadn't not yet gone far. I did not go after, the others had gone the other This sentence has too much repetition of same words and action so it reads heavy and choppy.


eyes having lost their focus. Seeming to have lost again, some redundancy.


They might not have had the intent to kill us, they might have been willing to make a deal for our silence. This sentence reads a bit awkward, it's wordy and consider finding a variety of words rather then using the same ones?


The bard bobbed his head in courteous, though curt, apology. The previous sentences seems a contradiction to me. The image is a bit vague. is his nod curt or courteous? The two negate each other because they had different meanings.

The only other comment I have is what's the purpose of him telling the crowds of his story? What's the point he is trying to make? Was it to say the only resolution for the loss of his love was death? This is his only way of gaining peace? I think this needs to be a bit clearer so the reader isn't left with so many questions.

You have some great action, and powerful emotion in this story. I love the range of emotions he felt, from anger and love and passion and pain the grief. I felt those too. Wonderful!

There are some aspects of this story which are superbly executed. You have included some of the eight essential elements of effective story writing but I think it lacks focus and your plot needs to be more prominent and pronounced. There is some heaviness in your sentences with all the hads, repetition and wordiness..and I think its important to savor the love between the two by slowing the pace.

This is worthy of a determined rewrite. I think with a little refining and polishing, it will be a gem of story full of melodrama, action, passion and pain. It's almost there!

I hope this has been useful. I hope this was taken in the spirit of encouragement for which it was intended.

Write on and then write on some more!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

203
203
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey Dermit *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I was intrigued by your title so I stopped in for a read. I hope you find my review helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

There is this lovely aesthetic quality to this story. It's essence is refined and serene. I think you did a fantastic job of meshing the pace and tone to the 'process of growth. In this sense, there was symmetry and balance.

At times your language usage was magnificent, your word choices glorious and other times, they were superfluous... a bit too over-ambitious.

Take for example the following example:

"My first instinctual act, after my initial jubilation upon achieving the surface faded, was to reach with this sense, to seek my own kind and inform them of my arrival.
For long moments I lost all sense of purpose, adrift alone in this sea of foreign life" In essence, beautiful. There is substance to the words a part but as a whole, in their execution the meaning is lost to me. I wonder, what are you really saying? Sometimes, in our writing we get too clever, too extravagant and the meaning get lost in a sea of lovely words.
Oft times, its best to keep it simple.

I was a bit disappointed because it's identity was never revealed and so I felt a little cheated. I wanted to know what species of plant. After all, as a reader I became a partner to its growth, to its discovery, to its disappointment and to its light I was never allowed to reveal in its conformation. I wanted celebrate it's christening, so to speak.

I loved the layers of meaning in this story. It really could be a metaphor for life in general. In this sense it was profound.

I do have a couple of other observations.

*Note1**Note1*Suggestions and Observations*Note1**Note1*

I did notice a little redundancy. You repeated words and phrases which interrupted the flow of your story. For example In the following sentences, the repetitive use of 'flora', kinship," "companionship" and "alone" are similar in meaning and thought. Perhaps consider finding replacements.

"The kinship I sought was nowhere to be found amid all this bustling flora
Alone in radiant sunlight, I grew. While I had no companionship beyond the mindless flora surrounding me... " "...adrift alone in this sea of foreign life" "While I had no companionship beyond the mindless flora surrounding me,"

Another observation I have is the heavy reliance on adverbs. Add 'ly' to a words doesn't necessarily make it more descriptive. Adverbs, of course, have their place but its best to keep them at a minimum. You may use more words when replacing an adverb but more often than not, you will add insight into characterization, action and conflict. It adds more interest and drama.

On a final note,I felt this piece could use a little more description. You spent much of the story telling us the journey of this plant rather than showing us it's journey. I wanted to visualize its growth in every way.

There are elements of gloriousness to this story. Its rich in language, intelligent and profound. There is a lushness to it. You have the substance but it does need a little polishing. This is a unique storyline and you do have a flair for evocative writing.

I'd love to read it again, if you decide to make some changes. That is, if you'd like me to.

i do hope this has been helpful and I do hope you've taken this in the spirit of encouragement for which it was intended.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin*Flower3*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

And Finally,


204
204
Review of Ursa Major  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey Jinks *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings Jinks! This is a pay if forward review. Thank you for sending me a link.
I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

This was a sweet and uplifting gem of a story.

I thought you did a superb job of constructing each scene as the two tried to work magic on the van after making Christmas magical for foster kids. It was a gentle and appealing story. Each sequence was effective and flowed with ease, moving the plot along. Well done.

You had good character development most of which became life-like through the element of action and reaction and a little dialogue. Awesome.

I do have a couple of suggestions. Just minor things.

*Note1**Note1* Suggestions and Observations *Note1**Note1*

She wanted to be resigned to the trip, but with no radio she knew that there would have to be conversation and she was tired. In this sentence, it reads a bit stilted. Perhaps rewrite without 'that' and to make more of a statement and add drama? Perhaps: She wanted to resign herself to the trip, but with no radio to break the silence, conversation may be expected, and well, she was just too tired. Just a suggestion of course.

And the other observation I have is the overuse of adverbs. A few too many for such a short work. Adverbs, of course, are useful, but adding an 'ly' to a word doesn't always make it as effective as it could be. If you were to reconsider some of them you could add more insight into conflict, character development and action. You may use more words when replacing, but at the same tie, add more insight.

For example, lets examine this sentence with two of the same adverbs. You wrote They reached the lot quickly, more quickly than she expected.
If you ask yourself what are you saying and what does quickly say about the characters? Of course, it does include action, which is always good but perhaps you could add more insight by showing us rather than telling. She didn't expect the walk to end as fast as it did. Before they knew it, they had reached the lot. She sighed with relief looking forward to the secure comfort of her car. Well you get my point.

Otherwise, this was a simple, yet appealing story. {Oft times, simple is just better *Wink* ) Well written with a great sense of many of the elements needed for good story writing. Excellent!

I hope this has been helpful. Thank you for allowing me the pleasure of such a sweet and poignant story.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

205
205
Review of Even in Dreams  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey autumnlullaby *Flower3* *Flower3*

Greetings! You are receiving this review as part of the Power Raid Week-end. Thanks for submitting your request in our forum. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Wonderful poem which exudes the love you feel. I sense the passion and the joy love brings. Well done!

I felt your poem unfolded at a nice pace and the flow was smooth and sensuous.

You kept good time and the meter hovered around seven eight and nice which created a marvelous rhythm and cadence. Awesome!

The rhymes, direct and indirect came easy and seemed a true reflection of the words from your heart. Nice job!

There wasn't any imagery, methaphors or alliteration but still, it was a lovely poem, simple, direct and rich with passion and love.

I saw no errors and have no suggestions.

I hope this has been helpful

Poem on and them poem on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



206
206
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* hey stb951 *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! You are receiving this review as part of the Power Raid Week-end review. You left a request in our forum which I'm answering. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Ok wow! I'm not sure what to say. I'm not sure if I liked it. I'm not sure if it made sense to me. Sorry! I will say, there were moments in this story where your writing was brilliant But the rest of the fluff, the words, the nonsense just kept tripping me up.

I suggest you hang on to my confession, which I say loud and proud, there were elements of brilliant writing in this piece. The rest fell short for me. I'll tell you why.

First, I did not believe for one moment, the father would tell his child (though her age I have no idea of) such an provocative and explicit story.
You're born one day, you live a shitty life in a shitty world with shitting people falling in shitty love and hate, and then you die I wonder would a father really say this to his child? It seems so trashy and it lacks hope and is so pessimistic and narcissistic and just inappropriate.

"Being so many shades of high that it was initially rather difficult for them both to get each others' pants off, they rather understandably didn't bother with birth control."

Second...there was too much overwriting. The back story within back story within back story didn't relate to the theme in hand and just presented me a maze if you will, to conquer. It was just difficult and distracting.

As I was reading, I just kept think over and over...just tell the damn story will you. Sorry! Almost 22kbs and still...I know nothing of the birth of the baby from the stoned hippies. This has such awesome potential...but it lacks focus and when you're 'telling' a story, its imperative to also 'show' so the reader can envision the characters, the setting, the action in their mind so we can be engaged and connected.

I caught the religious supplications of this story and the layers of meaning which were masterful But those elements had little to nothing to do with the interjections of 'back story' which, for me were huge distractions and a lot of gobbledygook with little pertinence to the story. sorry!

I do have a few observations and suggestions.

the movement to chance the world Did you mean change?

At, in, on, for, from, to, around, and after are all equally horrid prepositions when discussing the beginning of existence because the beginning didn't know or care it was the beginning, and sure as hell wouldn't have considered itself a reference point from which to talk about the rest of the entirety of existence.
The above attempt at a sentence, really isn't a complete sentence. it's lengthy but it also a fragmented. It's missing its noun/pronoun

This journey, however, begins not at the beginning but quite some time afterwards; if you must know, in roughly the year 798 according to modern, though hardly so, Christianized democratic, though thoroughly undemocratic, Western timekeeping, or 0, depending upon if you cared or noticed or cared to notice. An example of overwriting. Really the gist of the sentence is...the journey began. The rest is just a bunch of words which don't appear to have any reference to The Journey. So it just become useless information.

It could just be me. So keep in mind this is just one opinion. *Wink*

She knew her father better than most did and far better than most know their own, but it was something she likely not truly appreciate until later. The last part of the sentence is awkward to me. seems to be missing something or has too much

So, the story of the end begins with a birth that could, if paid attention to, though it wasn't, signal the beginning of the world in the minds of some,not just the end, though those of that sort of mind always were and always will be few and far between. Im sure, it seems you are trying to be clever here, but it just ends up being contentious.

Feeble and frail from a frivolous fasting, weak and wary from the wanderlust wayfaring, he would not and could not awaken for nothing. The funny thing about alliteration is, sometimes it works and sometimes it seems intentional to the point of pretentious. It seems to be the latter for me.

There were a few other instances where you used overwriting and wordiness which I felt held your story back and stifled the effectivenss. Part of the challenge we have as writers is to make your story readable as well as engaging and compelling. You have exhibited some masterful and brilliant elements of story writing, and yet...all the intentional attempts at cleverness, all the over writing and the interjections from the perspective of the father as opposed to the narrator were a bit draining.

As a reader I just had to work too hard to uncover the meaning of your sentences and dig for the theme of each scene or sequence. It left me a exhausted and more than a bit annoyed. Sorry I'm trying to be honest here and at the same time uplift you with the positives of your oft times brilliant and masterful skills as a story writer. Now just take that ability and show the reader the story. Give us images and action and conflict. Cut back on the reliance of superfluous writing and the repetition and you will have an evocative and thought-provoking story.

I do hope this has been helpful and I hope you have taken this in the helpful spirit it was intended .

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3* Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
207
207
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey Rimbo the Clown *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! You are receiving the review as part of a Power Raid Review. You left your request in our forum. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

It looks you have gathered together a great idea for your story. Who doesn't like war, power, deceit and ravages of land and of people. It makes for good stuff in stories.

You have all the substance...I can see the beginning of a plot unfolding...you've introduced characters. Though there are many, I suspect this will be of a novella or novel length.

It seems there will be lots of action (hopefully)as they prepare for battle against each other. I like the fact you've detailed their difference in how they approach war and the weapons they use. This sets your story apart from others with the same theme. So well done there.

I can sense some of intrigue already.

I do have some observations however. Use what you will if any and ignore the rest.
*Wink*

*Note1**Note1* Suggestions and Observations *Note1**Note1*

One of the first comments I have is perhaps you might want to consider making Part 1 a Prologue. It really is just the author listing details about the two peoples who will be battling. You are essentially just telling rather than showing. I get the feeling this could be an epic, with many generations and characters. Since you've listed their names and their parts and have given detailed "history" of both armies, I think this would work better as your prologue.

Then you may want to concentrate on showing us rather than telling us your story. The reader needs action, conflict, resolution, character development, and dialogue. You have yet to establish a POV other than the narrator...and I suspect this will evolve. But to keep the reader engaged and intrigued...you may want to begin your story with some Action or an event, even dialogue.

We don't have much idea of the setting other than the names of the cities and the people who live in them, but I sense this well be revealed in following chapters.

The best way to approach your action...is to construct scenes...each scene will have , conflict, action or dilouge a character must consider, overcome, resolve.
make changes or decisions, ect. One scene will invariably set the next to move the plot along. But when you have a narrator just reciting details and names and events....there is much for the reader to engage in or to be compelled by.

You have a great idea you've placed in story form. You have the substance and the ability, now just grasp the reader's attention and show us these warriors. Give them life and movement and feelings. The reader needs to connect and care in order to believe.

The other observation I have is repetition or words. This was well technically well written. But the use of same words created redundancy. For instance: "Power, law, and order were restored; and kings were restored to power. " The repetitive use of 'restored' may seem insignificant, and oft times, repetition can be useful...but here it seems a bit redundant.

With the 6th war on the verge, both families prepare for war.
May want to find a different word for one of the 'war's.

But, with so few members, they turn to the town members for help

In the following series of sentences...there is a little wordiness...some repetition and some areas I felt you could omit 'that which is a common word which doesn't add much to our sentences.


All the family members battle, save the king, in his old age, and his eldest son. All of the family are loyal, and will die to keep the family alive. Their use of poisons and witchcraft is of the best. Mages, shamans, summoners and healers are all trained by the eldest of family. There are a few cousins that who know the use of swords. They are not well trained, but own weapons of great power. The king, though old, is more powerful then all the soldiers. His seer-like abilities show him the future, and landscape. He is both wise, and full of knowledge. He trains his son, so that {they?}he may take over when he parishes, for his life line is thin.

I underlined some of the repetitive words and struck out a couple of the "thats" I felt you could omit. it's best to make every word count...like a dagger hitting its target, bulls eye.

You've got excellent substance for a compelling story of battle and power and of the destruction war can bring. It does needs some work but nothing some editing and rewriting won't fix. It's imperative your story show more than tell in order to engage the reader. We need to see the setting, the battle, we need the blood gushing , descriptions of the injuries so we can envision the battle and the devastation it wroughts on the soldiers . Action is an essential element as is character development. We need nuances particular to each character. Does he clear his throat, does he stand with shoulders round or square...does he walk with a limp, does he raise his eyebrows, growl when he speaks..ect. I think you get my point here.

I do think this is worthy of a determined rewrite. You have the substance now just show us the warriors and let the battle ensue. Omit some of the wordiness and redundancy and you are on your way. Don't get discouraged! You seem to have a flair for epic/historical war genre. And you certainly have the ability to make the reader beleive these are real people battling a true war.

I do hope this has been helpful.

Write on and then write on some more!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



208
208
Review of Chained  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hey Jaye P. Marshall *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I visited your portfolio and chose this story. This is your 'pay it forward' review. Thank you for review one of my stories. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

You did a Superb! job on maintaining a level of longing and hope in your story. There was this sense of sadness and want in Willy which helped your character come alive and helped me as a reader to connect to his hope she'd come back as she promised. I liked the overall essence of this story...Willy's disappointment, his pain and him never losing hope.

I think you constructed your scenes well. I was especially partial to the calving and the bond Willy and Eileene created in the midst of the nursing and the chill of the night. Well done!

There was this sweetness to your story which added to its appeal.

However, your story wasn't without grammar issues. Not many and easy to address if you choose. They did interrupt the flow a little and please keep in mind this is only one opinion and I do my best to remain object and rate and review based on not my emotional response to the story, but how well you executed the elements of effective storytelling.

*Note1**Note1*Suggestions and Observations *Note1**Note1*

One of the first things I noticed is a heavy reliance on the common words 'that' and 'had'. While its not wrong to use them and oft times they are necessary, most of the time they weigh your sentences down. For instance you wrote :" He had been sitting there in just this same spot. He and Pa had just finished putting in the hay from the west field. He was hot and tired. He could feel again the light breeze that had soothed his face when he had first seen her. " If you read this series of sentences out loud...can you sense how easy it is to get held back by the hads? Perhaps: He'd been sitting in this very spot. He and Pa just finished putting in the hay from the west field. He was hot and tired and appreciated the light soothing breeze brushing against his face when he saw her. I don't know if you can sense the difference, but to me, the sentences flow with a bit more ease without the weight of 'had'

This was evident throughout your story. Also the use of that can most often be removed from your sentences. For instance in the following sentences, the use of that and had leave your sentences a bit stilted. I will strike out a few and see what you think. Willy began to notice that Time seemed to be shifting on him and he didn't understand why. First, he had noticed that the days, while Eileen was at school, passed with intolerable slowness. It hadn't didn't seem to matter how busy he had kept himself, the hands on the old mantle clock had still barely crept from one hour to the next.

I struck out the hads and thats and made a few other suggestions. You repeated 'notice' and used hadn't when perhaps 'didn't may be a better fit. And I crossed out 'barely' which leads into the final observation I have. You have a heavy reliance on adverbs. While its not wrong to use them, and yes, they are useful at times, using too many, creates a laziness in our writing. Adding 'ly' to the end of a word doesn't make it more descriptive. On the contrary, if you more words rather than an adverb, your sentences will give added insight into characterization, action and conflict ect.

I copied most of them: vigorously, casually, imploringly, sternly, anxiously, suddenly, enthusiastically, triumphantly, firmly, broadly, reproachfully, thoughtfully, proudly, gently, slowly, unseeingly, lightly, carefully, breathlessly, methodically, promptly, hesitantly, repeatedly. Some you used more than once.

Take the following sentence for instance: You wrote:
Vacillating between hope and dread, Wily had silently watched winter turn into spring and the school year end. Silently, he had driven Eileen to the station," You used 'silently' twice (Wily or Willy?). Perhaps: Vacillating between hope and dread, Willy embraced her promise to return as winter turned into spring and the school year came to a close. With a deep sense of foreboding loss, he drove Eileen to the station. " Just a suggestion of course. You may use more words to replace the adverb, but it gives more drama and insight into your characters, their conflict and action/reaction.

Jaye P. You have a wonderful story here. It is rich with hope and profound with longing. There is passion and emotion and I found your story to be bittersweet and yet appealing. The suggestions I've made doesn't suggest your way is wrong. Hads, thats and adverbs aren't wrong i just thing they weigh your sentences down.


I'm rating your story based on the effective use of the elements of storytelling. Overall, you did a fantastic job of constructing your scenes, of character development, conflict and adding elements of emotion. I think your dialogue was effective and I can appreciate the flair you have for storytelling. The substance is evident, I think it just needs a little refining.

I hope this has been useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*

{image:1283156)
209
209
Review of Addict  
Rated: E | (4.5)
**I'm resending this review...because, I'm not sure what happened but my review got cut in half by cyberspace *Shock*

*Flower3**Flower3*Hey Lenore *Flower3**Flower3*

Greetings! I saw your story on the request a review page and stopped in for a read. Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Lenore you did an excellent job of depicting the pain and agony of your character trying to fight the overwhelming urge to eat.

The effective use of action made your characters addiction seem real. I would surmise that you are either writing from experience, either personal or you know of someone close who is suffering ,to make this story seem so life-like. I got a good sense of the on-going internal battle.

Great job of portraying the conflict. And with making the reader believe this is a moment by moment battle and overcoming it is far from easy.

You made every word count and when a story is this short it's vital to use words only to tell the story of one woman's addiction and how it taunts and affects moment to moment. You accomplished all this and in so very few words! Superb!

I only notice one little flaw.

*Note1**Note1* Suggestions and Observations *Note1**Note1*

Her whole body tingles as the itch begins in her hands. Her palms have begun to sweet begin to sweat as she rubs them back and forth against her faded jeans. Rocking to and fro[,]as she rubs her legs she feels wave after wave descending on her. I think you may have meant sweat as opposed to sweet and it seems the sentence may read better with begin rather than 'have begun'

Otherwise a fine, well written portrayal of trying to overcome addiction.

I hope this has been helpful.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*kjo just groovin *Flower3*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
210
210
Review of "Granny"  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey j. dwight *Flower3* *Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review Page and blew in for a Read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Ack! As the stomach turns...I'm laughing my head off. You pulled me in, in spite of my horror and complete distaste. Ack!. After the first line, I asked myself what does b_____s have to do with Granny? So I kept reading and reading in spite of the fact I was beside-myself-grossed-out and laughing at the same time. Shame on you!

I can say for sure and without a doubt I haven't ever reviewed a short story like this. It's like you were challenging us to deny it as you were writing this. What's really a hoot is It's true and you just exposed everyone and made them cringe and crack a grin at this unpleasant habit. We just plunge right in digging and flicking. Uugh and Arrgh! *Shock* *Bigsmile* *Laugh*

I did stumble a bit when the "Hero" became officially a Hero and was offered an award. That scene was a little confusing to me. So you might was to rewrite for clarity.

And " I thanked God for allowing me to suffer that night by giving me a rare, wet lot... ." And this sentence needs to be rewritten, its a bit awkward.

Well I've been officially addressed and sermoned to about the 'positives' of digging and flicking and I must say, it was as humorous and shocking as it was crass and true.

Thanks for sharing this unusal piece. For future reference, please discard properly. *Shock**Bigsmile*

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
211
211
Rated: E | (4.5)
center} *Flower3**Flower3* Sir M. Gathers *Flower3**Flower3* {/center}


Greetings I saw your story on the Request a Review Page. Curiosity about Wilbur's glorious death lured me in. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

The strength of this story lies in it's characterization and in it originality. There is intrigue in this storyline which is about death and then a surge of life and then revenge. Thanks to the strong-arm of Wilbur and increased memory the world has been rid of this horrible critter named Malcon. eeeck!

I think your characterization of Wilbur and Malcon were well developed. As characters , they were defined and well-rounded. A bit unusual and unconventional but this also adds to their life-like characterization. I liked the fact they had conflict and reactions and specific mannerisms pertinent to them {Wilbur's shuffling through the debris on the floor, starring into the ceiling for countless hours in his favorite chair, Malcon's evil smile...ect, } Superb!


The back story helped to add interest and intrigue adding an element of mystery to your storyline. I kept wondering when the 'soul-selling' aspect was coming in to play but you delivered. {c:blue:} Well done!

I'm not sure I grasped the time-travel aspect...there didn't seem to be references to 'time' specific, just that Wilbur was old in general.

I do have an observation. I want to reiterate you way isn't wrong and my way isn't better, I'm just offering you a different approach. It's a challenge actually do a sweep of the 'ly' adverbs. I find they distract from the flow of the story. They don't add interest or insight and don't really say much. Adding 'ly' to the end of a word doesn't mean the sentence will be more descriptive. In fact, addding more words will add insight to characterization, action, conflict and adds more interest. Just a thought for you to ponder. I copied some of them, some you used more than once.:

quietly, slightly, suddenly, nearly, visibly, immediately, steadily, effectively, slowly.

You may use more words when replacing an adverb but your sentences will be livelier and more colorful with descriptions and action. For instance, you wrote:
It steadily rose in volume, swelling to a nearly mirror-shattering squeal. Lets examine 'steadily' It began as a very quiet high-pitched tone increasing in volume,. crescending and resounding until it was a mirror-shattering squeal.
 Well you get my point.

I liked the subtle supplications in this story. It's as if Wilbur was renewed in spirit, in body and in mind. It was a refreshing experience and yet disturbing at the same time. *Wink* I will say, I didn't quite get the Backward Wilbur character. You may want to develop him more, he seems incomplete.

Otherwise a creative and inventive fantasy story. I enjoyed reading it and think this good even be better without the adverbs to refine and polish out those sentences.

I hope this has been helpful.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin*Flower3*
212
212
Review of Missing you  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey Ben Langhinrichs *Flower3* *Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your item on the Request a review page and thought I'd stop in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know any suggestions I make are in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

You've told a moving story using very few words. The dialogue exchange was believable, moving and heartfelt. You managed to incite a variety of emotions within the reader as your story unfolded. Well done!

If those souls can hear in the afterlife, wow, what a frightening revelation to know your spouse is 'coming home' and expects open arms knowing all too well he's bringing the kids and knowing how he plans on 'coming home'

I thought your story was poignant and effective.

I do my best to read through with a 'critical' (constructive of course)eyes for suggestions for rewriting and editing but I can say in all honesty, I have no suggestions, no observations. Not even a misplaced comma! Superb!

Even still I hope you found this useful.

Thanks for sharing this heartfelt and sad story.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3* Kjo just groovin *Flower3*
213
213
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey Joanna *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know any questions I make are in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

You've got some wonder elements of effective tale telling in your story. I can sense the betrayal, the thirst for power and I could sense the passion you have for writing in the dark genre. {/i} Write on! {/i}

Your Dark Antagonist is the epitome of evil in the most charismatic way. Yeow! I think you constructed you scenes well and and have a good storyline. It does need some polishing and refining but nothing a little rewriting and editing can't fix.

Grammatically this is well written. And the mechanics of writing are good as well, no punctuation or formatting issues. However, there are a few issues I found a bit over ambitious which confused me as I was reading. I realize most humans and inhuman (I think) can express many emotions at once I think you've about run the gamut in just two sentences however, and for me it wasn't believable.
She could sense his disappointment, his anger, his fear, his despondence. She smiled wickedly at his pain, but still did not speak. Here your antagonist is disappointed, angry, afraid, despondent, in pain and embarrassed. While all this is possible, I'm not sure I believe it since he is also, as we later find out, a clever murderer and hungry for power and prestige so this makes him quite the actor too. I think you've tried to give him too many faces . Of course, this is just my one opinion.


Also there was a little repetition with the usage of 'quickly' And this brings up another observation I have, which is the reliance on adverbs. You used three of the same adverbs in two different sentences. Adverbs are fine in moderation. But I challenge to find replacements which will add more insight to characterization, conflict and action. You may use more words when replacing but it will improve your sentences effectivenss and it's meaning.

"Everything happened so quickly, I tried to-" she raised her hand quickly, to silence him. Here I sense your protagonist has the upper hand, she is authoritative, powerful and commands respect. Perhaps you could replace 'quickly' by rewriting your sentence: "Everything happened in a flash. I tried to... ." She raised her hand to silence him, her eyes flashing with contempt. " Well, you might not like my words, but you get my meaning.


His eyes widened in worry and she drank it in. Her eyes narrowed and she walked quickly towards him. Perhaps: She strode toward him purposeful and quick steps.

There were a few more adverbs. You can decide what's best, it is after all your story.

Overall however, this is good. You have the substance for a story with grand potential. I thought you presented good action and you constructed your scenes well and are beginning to develop your characters. Your story is on it's way!

I thought is was original and creative and I liked the twist, a refreshing break from the usual dark fantasy story. So great beginning!

I hope this has been helpful.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
214
214
Review of Eden Now  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey Robert West *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your story posted on the Shameless Plug Page and popped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know any suggestions I make are in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Holy Cow! This is, in the bigger picture, a pretty freaky concept. And what's even freakier, is the realization, in the tomorrows, this could be realized. Yeow. When that day comes, if I'm still around...bury me ten feet under. *Wink*

What made this short story effective for me is the cold, calculating Voice. It just seemed to drone on, in monotone...without emotions and without actions/reactions other then in the mind, calculating problems and breaking things down into components. Perfect! Yeow!


I do have a couple of observations. I'm not sure I believe the intro to the story...some of the descriptive language seemed a bit too 'flowery for your protagonist who was programmed to think in formulas. It could be just me...but I thought I'd mention it...a thought to ponder, if you will.

And finally, I think your story would present itself in a more polished and professional light if you were to separate your paragrpahs with a space between them. This would also help the reader. The mountain of text with no paragraph breaks are are bit daunting on the eyes. *Wink*

Other wise, I found this to be an interesting and creative sci-fi story, well written, and thought-provoking. You did a great job of making your character believable from the middle toward the end but I do feel the beginning could be refined a little.

In this day of technological advancement and for those who have considered cloning (achmm, for medical purposes) this concept of Artificial Intelligence might not be that far-fetched. Yeow! It's a bit too robotic and impersonal for me...goodness, what is this world coming too. However, Rod Taylor would be proud of your story. *Wink*

Thanks for the fascinating read.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3* Kjo just groovin *Flower3*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


215
215
Review of Morning Coffee  
Rated: E | (4.0)
[e:flower3}*Flower3* Hey touchstone *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your story on the request a review page and stopped in for a read. Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Holy cow and goodness! As I was reading your story, I couldn't help but wonder, how many people listen in to other people's conversations. I'm going to stay hushed from this day forward! haha *Bigsmile* You can learn a lot about people from observing them, watching their actions/reactions and mannerisms as well as they words they speak. It's quite tiltilating and even seems a bit dangerous and deceptive. *Wink*

This was quite intriguing and introspective.

I think you did a better than average job of creating a story from sheer observation. Most of your word choices were strong and in many cases had a poetic elements to them. Your apt descriptions and clever self-talk help to make this story a bit evocative and enlightening. You gave us a front row seat to this intimate scene. The reader reaped the benefits while the narrator stole glances and tried to interpret with voyeur-like fascination. *Shock*

Strange and yet, wonderful.

I sensed the sheer joy and anticipation as he tried to peer into their lives and their conversation. He was bewitched and curious and it came through in the words, actions and interpretations. The tone was one of awe and fascination peppered with a bit of wonder. So it was easy to relate to and I was drawn into the scenes as they unfolded. Well done.

There were some issues in the area of grammar and the mechanics of writing which hold this story back from shining as bright as it should. They are all easy to address if you choose. These are only my opinions and I am just one, me *Wink*

As I sat down[,] I noted a man sitting at a table to the right of my window and view
need a comma for pause after 'down'

She said clearly that "That's fine...its just that the memories are all so strong and its so hard to take you out of that context..." a few too many unnecessary 'thats'

Now he is saying that "...not concerned, but...", I think your sentence would read smoother without 'that'

If it could take her away from me[,] I'd be concerned also. just needs a pause after 'me.'

I am envious that he has the seat across from her . 'that' could be removed from your sentences. it's a common word and while sometimes necessary, most often it's not. It's a common habit because we use 'that' so much when we talk. But it tends to hold our sentences back and make then seem heavy and stilted if its used too much.

I swear out of a collective[,] hour I have observed her I

In the parking lot[,] there are my car and two others...one empty and the other pulling in, but no cars were leaving... ." In the above two sentences...in need of commas.

The last observation I have is the heavy reliance on adverbs. Far too many even for a story of this length. Some you used more then once just sentences away. The caution here is throwing an 'ly' on a word doesn't make it more effective or your sentence more descriptive. It can create a laziness in our writing because its easier to add ly' than it is to search for more creative or descriptive words. Too, substitutes add so much more insight into character development, conflict and dialogue.

I copied some of them: friendly, remarkably, actively, truly, apparently, fortunately, clearly, distinctly, immediately, slowly, obviously, extremely, exactly, magnificently, pensively, coquettishly, heavenly, subsequently, shapely, briefly, comfortably, politely, attentively, calmly, apparently, repeatedly, figuratively, animatedly, heavily, evidently, reasonably...And this was only up to day three. *Wink* For instance, in the following sentence you wrote: "She put her other hand on his other hand and smiles coquettishly...she is really playing this up. And it is like magic."

Lets examine "coquettishly..which is a fancy way of saying 'captivate or flirt' So you could rewrite this sentence to say: She places her free hand over his, as her lips spread into a seductive smile as if to say, yes, I'm flirting: I know it and you find me captivating. Watching it is like magic. " Well you get my point. Sometimes you may use more words to replace the one adverb but it adds interest and insight.

Over all this was intriguing and it was inventive, clever and witty. There was a charm about this narrator watching this couple and trying to decipher. I thought much of the writing was welcoming, inviting and evocative. There were a few issues but nothing a little polishing and refining can't fix, if you choose. This is your story, you know how you want to tell it. I'm just one observer. *Wink*


I hope this was taken in the spirit of encouragement for which it was intended. Thanks for sharing.

Write on and then write on some more.

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

216
216
Review of Hard Times in NYC  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*flower**Flower3* Hey BLanghinrichs *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a Review page and stopped in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement wit then intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Holy Cow! What a couple of nincompoops and bumbling idiots. *Bigsmile**Laugh*

The great thing about this story is the Point of View and your characters. You did a super job of giving a believable voice to your main character. It put me in the mind set of "Mickey Blue Eyes:" He doesn't want to be part of the Mob but he's in love with the Boss' daughter. " So whaddya goin do? *Bigsmile* I think you captured the essence of this small-town crook in a big city. He has a heart and hates having to be a nickle and dime criminal. It seems he is a crook by default and if in a different set of circumstances, say in Nebraska somewhere, he be an upstanding member of the under 1,000 total population. haha.

I did enjoy this story. I think your opener was creative and served its purpose of enticing me to read on. The image of the dark clouds scuttling by as he peered out a dirty window, excellent image and nice use of metaphors. Yeah, I ain't never been to NYC, but I'm agreeing wid ya, it could use a hero. *Bigsmile* I'm thinking it aint goin be Johnny! *Bigsmile*

Ah, what a gal..like a Uma in "Kill Bill" but more glamorous (and shorter) And she seems to have a 'heart' for Johnny in spite of his many falterings. How sweet. Not your usual love story. Kinda quirky and refreshing.

Your charcters are not flat. They're are multi-faceted, believable and you make it easy for the reader to connect and care because of their good naturedness and thier fumblings . They don't want to be criminals but what choice do they have? New York ain't no piece of cake. My point here is excellent use of character development . You gave them life through action, mannerisms and conflicts. Write on!

I like your writing style it has this wit and charm to it. Snappy and contemporary and hip.

As far as the mechanics of writing and grammar I have no suggestions. And believe me I searched for 'issues' .I love to make editing suggestions. *Shock* But I have notta one to share with you. You wrote without too many common words, and without too many adverbs WooHoo! *Bigsmile* It seems every word was chosen for effectiveness and purpose. So no wordiness resides here.

Nice job of constructing your scenes so the plot unfolded at a smooth pace and flow.

I this was an entertaining and evocative read. Thanks for letting me stay awhile. I hope you found this useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin{e;flower3}

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
217
217
Review of Mighty Mantis  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Flower3**Flower3*Juan Luna *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I saw your story on the Request a review page and clicked in for a read. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What was refreshing about this true-life account of an childhood experience was the emotion in which it was written. I could sense the passion of the discovery. The pure joy of the experience. I could see the expressions of the young boy at his precious find! Your text, in relation to the insect in all its glory, was then, a joy to read.

Also, there was such energy in your story. it's as if writing about the field trip helped you to relive the experience and was then captured in your words as the story unfolded. Great active voice. Wonderful.

I do have a couple of observations. The first is some of your sentences could be cut back a bit. There is a little wordiness here and there. For instance:

I knew where the class was going. that day. Here I think you could omit the last two words because the reader already knows and thus it become redundant.

Strangely, I loved these insects and could hardly ignore their abundance. here. You could remove 'here' without losing anything.

making it clear their concern for their young er kind. also I think this sentence may read smoother to keep it simple with young and omit 'kind.'

The next observation is to watch your use of 'that' its a common word we can do without most often. We tend to use it most often out of habit. I took the liberty of striking 'that' out of a couple of sentences. See what you think.

I noticed that my every step, brought forth a massive scattering of field crickets.

Still, I was concerned, not sure how to gather this creature and also knowing that it could fly.


The final observation is the over usage of 'ly' words. They don't offer much to our sentences oft times our sentences reader smoother and livelier without them. I copied some of them: completely, quietly, naturally, suddenly, graciously, truthfully, possibly, mostly, carefully, amazingly, instinctively, commonly, vehemently, constantly, directly If you ask your self what does the adverb add to the whole of the sentence, most often, it can be omitted without losing. I challenge you to not just delete them but to rewrite them using more colorful and livelier words which will add more insight in characters, scenes, dialogue ect.

For instance, you wrote: She was a voracious and rare beast, probably killing and eating every animal she had directly encountered. But you could rewrite this and omit the two adverbs and perhaps saw: She was a voracious and rare beast. exceeding the known habits of a mantis by killing and devouring every animal she encountered. " Well you get my point. You might use more words but oft times, its adds more interest by divulging additional information pertinent to the story.

I loved the energy and the emotion of this story. it was refreshing and a joy to read. Your enthusiasm was revealed with such ardor and awe.

The unveiling of the mantis and its habits were exciting to read about and this was insightful.

There are just a few little areas which need refining and polishing but other wise, I enjoyed this remembrance of yours. You did a super job of recapturing your youth wonder and with such enthusiasm. This was as informative as it was refreshing.

I hope you found this useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3* Kjo just groovin *Flower3*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

218
218
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey Asherman *Flower3*[e:flower3}


Greetings! Thank you for visiting my port; this then, is a 'pay it forward' review. I hope you find my comments helpful and please know I offer suggestions and in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

I think you have an effective and compelling story which describes the mission of a squad.

I liked the variations of complex and simplistic sentences they were authoritative and added to the voice of Beanball authenticating the mission, the jungle and the realism of battle.

The use of active voice was imperative to the action and to the scenes which you constructed skillfully. This element aided in the the ease in which the story unfolded and with its smooth pace.

I do have a couple of observations . I wanted to address some of the 'had' usage. While it isn't 'wrong' I think sometimes a sentence might have more energy and be more alive without them and read smoother. For instance:

Yesterday he had received a letter from home, the first in several weeks. It was his very own Dear John letter. Kathy[,], had for some perverse reason [,]sent along a Polaroid snapshot of herself,...Just one opinion, but I think 'had' is one of those common words which stifle our sentences.

The mold had destroyed the first two pair[and] had nearly done its evil work on the current pair. Since 'destroyed is past tense the 'had' before just creates wordiness.

Dawn light in the jungle is diffuse... ." I wonder, should diffuse be diffused?

feinted. do you mean fainted?

When Beanball woke up[,] he I sense a need for pause after 'up'.

These are minor Asherman and the 'had' aren't 'errors' just styling preferences. So just thoughts for you to consider.

I think your action was powerfully constructed and the details and descriptions were apt enough to help the reader envision this jungle and the squad. I thought your writing was gutsy and solid and you delivered with a sense of realism. This needs just a little refining and polishing so it can shine as bright as you intended.

Thanks for allowing me the pleasure. I hope this has been useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3* Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

219
219
Review of Club Le Femme  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey Jaye P. Marshall *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! You are receiving this review in a 'pay it forward' gesture. Thank you for visting my port and leaving a review. I Hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What makes this story strong and a solid read is the character development. I think you committed to your character and did a great job of with characterizing George and Ginger as physically different yet, deep within the same person.

Great use of mannerisms, action and details which added to your strong characterization skills. The story was effective in its underlining theme... the ultimate decision/choice lies within. Regardless. I like the fact you didn't judge the character's thoughts, you just presented them. This is valuable to help deepen the story's meaning and resolution.

I do think George's conflict needs a bit more emotion. You presented his concerns and it's fantastic there was resolution to his internal and external conflict about 'what family and friends would think. But I got the sense George wasn't fully committed to his 'other life' Yes, you spoke of his hesitancy, but perhaps show us with more internal dialogue or action. It seems for such a huge decision, most people could never image or relate too, George/Ginger should be more torn and we should see this conflict within him and in his actions/reaction on the outside. Just a thought for you to ponder.

I thought the addition of Gramps was a wise and wonderful choice to help George decide. *Wink*

I like the fact you gave us details of what makes George happy by describing his home and how he prepared for the change. It was executed with great detail bringing forth a vision in my mind...more sedate then the one of Mel Gibson shaving in the women's kit given to him in "What a Woman Wants" haha. *biglaugh*

The other observation I have is to challenge you to remove some of your adverbs. I think you have far too many for the confines of such a short story. Adverbs, of course, serve a purpose and they are useful. Most times we can omit them from our sentences. I ask myself sometimes, what does the addition of an adverb say about the sentence? F I copied some of them, not all because some you used more than once: "smoothly, shapely, quickly, diagonally, burly, slightly, enthusiastically, repeatedly, thoroughly, truly, admiringly."

For example, you wrote: "Then he reverently removed a small box from the drawer and carried it to the make-up table. Taking out a strip of double-sided tape, he peeled the backing and positioned it above the right nipple on his smoothly-shaven chest." Reverent is a wise word choice but the addition of 'ly' stifles it a bit. Holds it back from its effectiveness. {b" You could rewrite it to say: With reverence and care he removed a small box from the drawer and carried it to the make-ip table. Taking out a strip of double-sided tape, he peeled the backing and positioned it above the right nipple on the chest he just shaved smooth. " ( or on the chest that was now with hair and smooth) You might use more words but it helps give life and energy to your sentences and adds more character development and action.

The final observation is I felt you spent a good amount of time building up Lady Jessica and yet...just talked about her raucous humor. I think it you should question yourself, how important is Lady Jessica to the whole of the story. Or, add some of the humor so the readers can see it and enjoy it as well.

Ok, this is a gem of a story with an important message, so it become thought-provoking and insightful. I think you gave us a clear and poignant picture of George's struggle and yet, parts of it seemed more surface, soi a little more emotion and struggle is needed to authenticate this more.

This has huge potential and your writing style is strong and your skills solid and creative. You took a chance writing about a subject every one has an opinion about and you write it was care and with respect. I admire that. You story has grand potential it just needs a little refining and polishing.

Thank you for the pleasure of reading this provocative story.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3* Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


{image"1283156}
220
220
Review of Real  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3*Hey Char *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I was intrigued by your title so I stopped for a read and review. Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

This is a gem of a story. I enjoyed your characters and the writing was ultra-cool and hip. Perfect for these contemporary times with a theme many young adults can relate to. That first 'real' love: frightening, satisfying, wondrous and perplexing. This was a joy to read!

You write with passion and your voice is strong, active and cool.

I think you have a story here with amazing potential, but I also feels it needs a little refining and polishing.

Not much, so don't freak out, don't let your heart sink and know the suggestions I make are minor and easy to address if your choose! *Bigsmile*


In the following sentence, its a bit vague because it seems to be missing something. And then I'd to figure out how to fix in the machinery and micro batteries... A good rule of thumb is not to begin a sentence with a common word such as 'that, even, very, just and but, just to name a few.


I didn't have time to marvel at that amazing fact[,] because the very next moment,
no comma is needed after fact.

I didn't know how to read her face, because she barely had any expressions on her face whatsoever. I felt this sentence was a bit wordy. You could cut it down and the sentence would flow smoother. I will address the use of adverbs in a minute or two. Perhaps: I didn't know how to read her face because she wore her expressions like one would wear a veil. Yes I used more words but they flow together, bring forth imagery and give insight into character development.

and I've called to inform you that Real has passed away from stomach cancer last night." This sentence is poignant, sad and rifled with emotion...don't lose its power and effectiveness behind the heaviness of unnecessary words. Make every word count. Perhaps: and I've called to tell you Real passed away last night. She died from cancer. " Sometimes simple is more profound.

Last, I'd like to give you a little insight into the trouble with adverbs. Sometimes they are necessary as is 'that.' More oft than not, they don't add much to our sentences. More to the point, they create a laziness in our writing because it's much easier to throw a 'ly' on a word rather than looking for more creative ways to describe. I'll give you an example after I take a moment to copy some of the adverbs you used. Then I will propose a challenge. *Wink*

nervously, importantly, basically, lazily, aimlessly, conventionally, slightly, literally, startlingly, incredibly, idly, carefully, promptly, suddenly, noticeably, pitifully, fairly, practically, quickly, slowly, surely, importantly, angrily. This wasn't it, some you used more than once and I got a little weary on my search ...so I stopped. *Wink*

Ok, here's the challenge: go back through and rewrite your sentences with the adverbs. Don't just omit them, though this works too. But rewrite them using more effective words which will add details and descriptions or give insight into character, plot or actions. Yes, it's a bit more work but your will be pleased with the end result, trust me on this. *Wink*

Here's a for instance: You wrote: " I was practically singing and skipping along on that snowy night, along the slippery road back home, grinning my heart out." your actions and voice and emotion suggest you are singing and dancing. Your are elated and this is good. Show us this emotion. You can do this by deleting 'practically' and rewriting your sentences something like this: I was jubilant, singing and dancing along the slippery road, in spite of the biting snap of the snowy air. I was grinning my heart out. " Yes, you might use more words, but do you sense the difference. Your sentence is alive with color and imagery...energy. Of course this is just a suggestion, my opinion, take what you will, if anything at all. *Wink*

The final challenge I have you you is an experiment with voice. Try rewriting this in third person rather than first person narrative. It will add a whole different perspective. If you are unsure about committing to the whole story in third person, try just a couple of paragraphs just to get a feel and a sense of what kind of changes it will make in the voice, action, conflict and emotions. Just a thought for you to consider.

What's great about this story is the hip and cool writing style. There is this energy and life you bring to your characters. I love that! Too, you constructed your scenes well which moved the plot along and while I suspected "Reals" indifference may be fatal...I wasn't convinced until the final sentence. great job.

this story is compelling and provocative. It has grand potential. Your writing is strong, solid and refreshing. This just needs a little refining and polishing.

I do hope this is taken in the spirit of encouragement for which it was intended. You are a talented writer...refining, pizazz and polishing comes with rewriting and rewriting and rewriting...this story is almost there. I enjoyed Real and Joe's story.

Write on and then write on some more!


*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

221
221
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey BohemianPiink *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! Great handle by the way! Your title piqued me interest so I stopped in for a read and review. Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you find my comments helpful and please know any suggestions I might make are in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Holy cow! Now this is indeed one lazy witch. Hmph, sounds like a teenage witch. haha *Bigsmile*

Ok, you made your point...and so I won't comment on the grammar and the mechanics of writing and it's killing me but I can respect your disclaimer. *Wink*

This is certainly unusal and I can say with complete honesty I haven't read anything quite like this so bravo to your inventiveness. It's rather unique the codes of this item and I applaud you for standing your ground and trying something different. *Wink*I realize this is a series of thoughts, ramblings and reactions but there should at least be some structure...even ramblings and interferences have pauses and some form to them.

I respect your determination to defend this item but more than likely you'll continue to get average ratings and a slew of suggestions until you polish and refine it a bit.

I suggest changing the genre. It's not really a short story is it? It's a series of thoughts and speech patterns and reactions. Perhaps it would fit better under "experience' or non-fiction. It's your piece however, and this is just one opinion.

I can only say If you were my teenage witch...you'd be chewing bubbles of the bar of soap you'd be eating for all the swearing and all the disrespect brewing in your mind. *Shock* haha *Laugh*

Hey...I wish you the best with this item and in all your writings.

Thanks for the pleasure of reading this unique, off beat and quirky piece. I hope this has been useful.

Write on and then write on some more.

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



222
222
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey Math Guy *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I was thinking you deserved a review. You spend so much time giving detailed, excellent reviews, I thought I should give one to you in return. So this is the purpose of my visit to your port. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.


Indeed, what the 'eyes see depends on the beholder' And Timmy sees interference and horror and which is a reflection of the pain of rejection he feels and the fact he knows he'll never measure up to his brother, to his sister, not even to his friends. At such a young age, he knows deep within, he won't make his father proud like his brother. That is so heart wrenching.

You wrote with such passion and your characters were life-like causing me to care and to connect. Timmy tugged at my heart stings.

And Mitzi, she's such a giving and loving presence to Timmy. You familiar seemed normal and loving and average. I could picture them all in the kitchen praying and giving praise. Almost abnormal underneath as if there was an essence of turmoil brewing and simmering.

Such a beautiful story excellently written. Poignant and profound.
The scenes were well constructed moving the plot along at a smooth and even pace.

You are a wordsmith sir. Not a word out of place, every word used for effectiveness, not a comma misplaced. Perfect. It's no wonder you give such brilliant reviews.
Your language usage is rich and detailed bring forth vivid and captivating images. The aesthetic essence of the piece was at once beguiling and baneful.

You are a master at using repetitiveness for effectiveness. No wordiness resides in your repertoire.

I saw no errors, not one thing I would suggest changing and I do thrive on making suggestions but I also respect talent when I'm in such presence. And it is obvious to me you are a gifted and discriminating writer. Write on!

I hope this has been useful.

Write on and then write on some more.

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

223
223
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey Maryann *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! I think I got it right now...we're to review our own members for this Raid...Dah! So you are receiving this review as part of the power raid week-day review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know any suggestions I make are in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

What a wonderful little story. It was so inventive. And the girls are very industrious and ingenious with their detective agency, lemonade stand and selling flowers and rocks too! *Wink*

I thought you captured the voices of the young girls very well, their antics and mannerisms were believable and a joy to read.

Such solid, creative writing ; your story I read with such ease. So nice pace and flow.

You constructed your scenes well which moved the plot along. The external conflict the girls had to overcome was age-appropriate and entertaining.

I have no suggestions for this was well written. I enjoyed this sweet and welcoming story.

I hope you found this useful.

Write on and then write on some more!

*Flower3*kjo just groovin *Flower3*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



224
224
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey Alexors *Flower3**Flower3*



Greetings! Thank you for visiting my port/ This reviews serves two purposes. It's your pay it forward review and it's also a WDC Power Raid Review. I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know I offer suggestions in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

There is an air of dark, gloomy and foreboding essence to ths story. It's creepy and chilling and I think you did a great of of describing the demon, Ack! *Wink*


Your opening paragraph was, for the most part ,effective. It captured my interest and encouraged me to read on. Your details and descriptions were vivid, rich and acrid, making me cringe. Well done! I thought the following image was excellent : "...lost and shivering as the chill wind insinuates itself into my bones." If I were to make one observation, it would be to suggest you break it up in to two paragrpahs. And I sense a need for pause (comma) after 'me '. Pulling my blanket around me[,] I try to... ." Then in an instant[,] its " and comma after 'instant'

I also thought the following sentence was superb!
 Nice job of making your demon seem real. " I see blistered, peeling, infected skin. Deep dark eyes that draw me into a vacuum where there is only space for pain. Small, sharp, irregular teeth set in a large mouth with thin lips curled into a self-satisfied smile." Ooouh! *Shock*

I like the dark essence and the baneful aesthetics of this story. As far as nightmares go, it was believable and you have used fear and the depths of this demons depravity and atrocity with effectiveness.

The only other observation I have is to watch your adverb use. A few too many 'ly' words for flash fiction. It's best to keep them at a minimum for they don't offer much to our sentences but rather tend to weigh them down and create a sort of laziness. It's much easier to add 'ly' to a word then try to find a more creative way of describing. But this of course, is just my opinion and your way isn't wrong.

Overall, I enjoyed this chilling and depraved story of one person's recurring and fording nightmare which, in reality seems like someone on the brink of madness.

Well done~ Thanks for inviting me in. I hope you found my comments helpful.

Write on and then write on some more.

*Flower3*Kjo just groovin *Flower3*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

225
225
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Flower3**Flower3* Hey Web~Witch *Flower3**Flower3*


Greetings! This is a pay it forward review but also you're receiving this review as part of a Power Week-day Review! Thank you for inviting me in to your port. Wow, there's a lot to choose from.So many bangles, bobbles and ribbons. *Wink*

I hope you find my comments helpful. Please know any suggestions I make are in the spirit of encouragement with the intent of sharing one reader's perspective.

Ah nothing like a little old school gumshoe private eye story.

What I liked about this was how I read it with such ease. it seems every word was chosen for effectiveness. No wordiness lives in this private eyes gig. *Wink*

Every scene was well constructed. I got a great sense of the setting and the action which moved the plot a good steady pace. Well done!

Excellent characterization too! this was my kind of Dick! haha. *Bigsmile**Shock**Laugh*Of course I had to say that! It fits right in line with your sense of humor.

And this was humorous too. Witty and charming and great fun to read.

I saw no errors and I have no suggestions. Not a one!

Perhaps I'll visit your port again sometime and read more about Private Eye Lou Ryan. I love his antics, his charm by default , his no-nonsense appeal...very unassuming.

Excellent read.!

Write on and then write on some more!

{e;flower3}kjo just groovin*Flower3*


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
786 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 32 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kjowill/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/9