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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/knowingferret
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23 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Desini Snyder
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Your piece was pretty good. It was both entertaining and intriguing. I made a few notes while reading

First, in the final paragragh you used the temb "be careful darling" five times. The rest of the piece builds for this paragraph, and it needs to be brutal. "Be careful darling" was chilling the first time I read it, but not by the fourth. It gets repetative after you say it a couple of times, it loses that spark. If you used the term once and not repeating, it will carry over it's effect into the following sentences.

Second, you did a great job with the imagery and symbolism in the first few paragraphs. They can be hard to master. Like I said it really builds up for that last paragraph. Like that big hill you climb before plunging down on a roller coaster.

Overall, it was a very dark and heavy feeling piece. You portrayed it beautifully, and I hope you keep writing.

- Desini


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of The Nightmare  
Review by Desini Snyder
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


The thing about six-word stories, or any story under 150 words, is to make them resonate with the reader. Authors usually achieve this by striking a chord of horror, or pain in the reader. You did a great job of this with your story. The first sentence is usually a figure of speech. After all, nightmares can't physically chase you. Of course, in the end, he did end up chasing her. Playing with and defying what we know exists and doesn't exist is a great idea with such short stories.

I gave your story four stars because It was entertaining, grammatically great, and carried a strong plot.

I will say in future stories, it might be better to have this story as a paragraph. It looks more professional. I read in the tags that this was a contest entry. One tip I can give you is, enter as many contests you can. They are a great way to earn gift points, merit badges, meet new people, and a really fun. Even if you don't win, contests are an awesome way to expose your work. They are my favorite part of this website.

If you need any help or advice on using the site, or what contests and forums are great, feel free to contact me!

- Desini Snyder


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review by Desini Snyder
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


The following is my own opinion. Take as much as you like from my review.

Grammar:
I am in no way trying to be nit-picky. So, I apologise if I come off that way.

"Come Detective, we should retreat to the main hovel and inform Mayor Bunny of our lack of results."
^ There should be a comma after come.

"Of a sudden a gargantuan green shape loomed over them."
^ There should be a comma after sudden. Also, I wasn't sure if you meant "all of a sudden" or "of a sudden". If you meant "of a sudden" ignore this.

Notes & Suggestions:

- I would make no suggestions toward the plot due to the few words you can have. If however, you wanted to make this into a full story then you should consider more background on each of the characters.

I found you story a fun and short read. It was well plotted and executed. Your characters were well fleshed out and layered. I could understand the situation from the start, and even though you had such limited amount of words you excelled. Keep up on the writing. I have participated in the Daily Flash Fiction as well and know how challenging it can be. However, it is great practice, and you get a prompt each day. Keep up the great writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by Desini Snyder
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


The following review is just my opinions and suggestions. Feel free to take as much as you want out of it.

Grammar:
Warning, this will sound nit-picky. I am not trying to be grammar police.

“Mr Scott, do you by chance, have a receipt for this box of golf balls?”
^ "Mr" should have a period next to it because it is an abbreviation.

"She took the golf club's side of the story, and didn't want to date a liar, or a thief as it was explained to me by one of our mutual friends."
^ This sentence is long and complex. You should consider going back and breaking it up into smaller sentences. One piece of information at a time.

“Yes of course, I said, I would love to play golf with you guys; and, maybe we can discuss this new project.”
^ There should be a comma after yes. "of course" is an interrupter
so you need a comma before and after.

"I had graduated from Stanford University over seven years ago; and had established a very good architecture business around a five hundred mile radius of Dallas."
^This is a compound sentence and should have a comma, not a semi-colon.

"That's funny as I am his only true blooded brother."
^There should be a hyphen, not a semi-colon between true and blooded

"I really liked the new country club; and then the architecture business began to rebound in the favor of SCOTT ARCHITECTURE."
^The same as before. A comma not a semi-colon.

"My brother Steve came to Dallas to visit; and just happened to run into Julie at a Dallas night club."
^Same as above.

"I, politely declined."
^There should be no comma after I.

Notes & Suggestions:

- I personally would add an extra space between paragraphs. It makes stories so so much easier to read. Especially with the font and spacing on this site. It also allows your audience to get the chance to pause and process what they just read. Paragraphs give the writing structure and organization. You have paragraphs, they are just hard to see due to the format of the site.

- The part where you were talking about his architecture company losing business was a bit hard to understand. Not the details, but the wording. I had to reread this part a few times to fully get what you were trying to say. You might think about going back, and rewording this part.

- There were some parts of this story that got the feeling of being rushed. Especially, at the end of the story. Try fleshing out more of the details to give it more substance.

Overall, this story was a short and interesting read. Keep up writing!
5
5
Review of The Justicar  
Review by Desini Snyder
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


The following is just my opinion, and you aren't required to take any of my advice.

Plot:

I didn't really understand what was going on. I don't know if this passage was from a longer story, but it would be helpful if you gave the reader more back story. Perhaps more of a setting, and more of a relationship between the characters. The was even more confusing. Is the brother alive? That is what I got out of it. If you are going to have that scene at the end then you need to have a foundation to build it upon. As far as your audience knows, the twin brother is dead. Suddenly, at the end, we get a scene between who I assume is the main character and the twin. You need to establish the relationship in the beginning so the reader can understand Justicar's need for vengeance, and so they can truly be gripped by the ending.

Characters:

Yuor characters didn't have much depth to them. First off, we don't really know anything about the characters but the basics. People have layers, pasts, stories, memories. This is what makes us human. If you want to make your characters more realistic give them theses things. You don't have to write them outright, but put them there. For instance, you don't have to write Alex's dad was an alcoholic. You can give Alex a strong aversion to alcohol as result of his past.

Grammar:

“Good boy. Now come on, let’s go drop you off for lock-up.”

This wasn't improper grammar, but it didn't sound right. It was a bit awkward and I had to read it a couple times to make sense of it.T

“Justicar dropped off the ledge to land just in front of him, fist in the pavement. The hero stood, ice eyes boring into the villain.”

Was this supposed to be fist on the pavement? If not ignore.T

“No, you s***-stain, you killed my twin brother. Lucky for me and not for you, we have the same powers and he had a back-up suit.”


Back-up should be backup.

“I’ll tell them. I’ll tell every one of them that you aren’t Justicar.”

This depends, if you meant "tell every one of those cops", then yes this sentence is correct. If you meant "I'm telling everyone in the city", then delete the space between every and one.

"She adjusted her helmet, getting the chin strap back into it’s proper"

You confused a contraction and a possessive. I mess up on this all the time. It's should be its. This is because it's is a shortened version of it is.

“What should we put down as his crime?”

You used an incorrect preposition. Change as to for.

"The Commissioner stepped forward and Justicar looked down, hands tight fisted."

You are missing a hyphen between tight and fisted.


This story has a lot of potential if you smooth out the kinks. Just keep on writing!/b}










*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of The Waitress  
Review by Desini Snyder
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


All of the suggestions below are my opinion and are optional. You know what is best for your story, and I am only trying to help.

What I Liked

Your writing really captured the american dream. The situations in the story, and the characters in the story were easy to relate to. They weren't in flawless, and they had good background. Your story would be a great idea to write a longer story off of, or continue.

Plot

The story had a pretty steady plot. Your main characters both had a goal and were in the process of achieveing that goal. There were some slow moments like when the waitress was helping the oter customers, but they are not major enough to need fixing. Just be aware when you are writing in the future some readers will get annoyed. I suffer from the smae problem, and it isn't uncommon.

Grammar

My revisions and comments will be in this color

The one place you have Bluetooth it should be capitalized.

"The computer keys were quietly clicking as I typed in the fininshing *Finishing touches"

"There was noone else in the restaurant" There should be a space between no and one

"I believed her, she seemed to be levelheaded and know what she was doing." A space between level and headed

My Overall Opinion

This piece was very good. I would suggest not using color in dialogue. It is distracting and it doesn't look as proffessional. You may not be able to do this for a formal piece. I could understand who was talking just fine without the color. You have real writing talent. Keep it up!















*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of Peace at last  
Review by Desini Snyder
Rated: E | (5.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


This is just my personal opinion. You know what is best for your story. I am just giving suggestions.

What I Liked

I felt that your character had a very strpng sense of what is truly right. They understood thst doing what is considered right, doesn't always make it right. I also loved how short the story is. It is probably because you entered this in a contest, biut it mad the mood much stronger

Plot

Your story bounced around alot. It took me until the end of the story to realize they actually went over the cliff. You might want to work a little on the order. I loved the detail though.

Grammar

My comments and revisions are in this color.

"I held on to a small bush I passed in an attempt to stop myself, but it came right out of the ground." < Make sure to get a comma in front of but.

"Three years we had been hiding in a trench killing, the people on the other side just because they were on the opposite side" < same as above but in between trench and killing.

"When our soldiers die we think of their families and friends who must live on without them, yet we never think of the ones across from us at whom we shoot without thought." < Comma between them and yet

My Overall Opinion

This story is really really good. You have talent as a writer, and you should keep it up!















*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review by Desini Snyder
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


The bellow suggestions are all my opinion. You know what is best for your story, this is just advice.


What I Liked:

I felt that Kanika was a very detailed and in depth. She had layers and very firm belief. She didn't constantly change opinions or become out of character. You also made her a very relateable person, and not unrealistic.

Plot

The main conflict was man vs. self. Though I understood who kanika was, I didn't understand her goal. She is going to meet her friend, but she had no real major goal that I could identify.

My Overall Opinion

I liked the romance, but it was a little quick. I feel like if you had changed point of views or had some more interaction between Ronak and Kanika it would have helped. I thought this story was really good and would definitely recomend it!






*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review by Desini Snyder
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Did your niece write this? If she did It was a very good piece. I have done some work in theatre, but not a lot. I have, however read a lot of scripts. This monologue could fit right in a play. It has the right amount of dramatics and emotion for it to be great. If it was executed by the correct actor it would be marvellous.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of Angelica  
Review by Desini Snyder
Rated: E | (4.5)
"I rolled my eyes and sighed. There is no amount of Botox on this earth that can make a 62 year old look like she is still in her early 20s"

"Then why don't you sparkle?"

"Real vampires do not sparkle!"

Ha! I like the way you portrayed Angelica. She is a very interesting character, and her protege Demetria is obliviously cute. If you to flesh out the story a bit more, add a few more details in that would really help set the scene. I don't know if you are following any specific vampire lore (obviously not twilight's) most have that vampire's have heightened senses. If your vampires do than you could have how she notices the little things human eyes don't catch. I also would suggest putting more clues into the story of the time period into the story. Overall this was wonderfully written, and I hope you continue to write. You have talent!
11
11
Review of Help Us Help YOU!  
Review by Desini Snyder
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This was extremely useful. I discovered this sight and I have been hooked ever since. I have been trying to find ways to promote it because there is a lot more resources for authors on here to become discovered. Your article really helped me figure out ways to do so. Keep on writing!
:)

- Desini Snyder
12
12
Review by Desini Snyder
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This story was so GOOD! It wasn't too long and it didn't hesitate to throw in character death. Some authors shy away from it, but this story did what was necessary and that made it better. I liked how it also portrayed possession. If a person is going to be possessed or split personality the author has to do it right, and they did. Great Job!
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