*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/krisdamato
Review Requests: OFF
143 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 ... Next
1
1
Review by Kris D'Amato
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.

I like it! It's got this ... E. A. Poe gothic feel along with a little (or arguably not so little) bit of comicality thrown in. The final line is revealing. I hope that's not your real bride! Haha! Liked the overall form and rhythm--not too much to point at.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
2
2
Review of Final moments  
Review by Kris D'Amato
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.

This might deserve a 4 or more for its imagery, but I found myself being drawn to the uneven meter; I think that might need to be looked at--though the first four stanzas had good rhythm. For example "Occupy the box" sounds too short--it kind of jars with the rest. I also noticed that the rhyming scheme is not consistent throughout. Aside from the technical issues I think it's a thought provoking poem.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
3
3
Review by Kris D'Amato
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.

I like it. I'm not usually that much of a fan of free verse. I believe it's very difficult to come up with something great when there are next to no limitations on what you can produce, and some people use it as an excuse to write just about anything under the guide of art--but this was good. Well done.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
4
4
Review of Graham  
Review by Kris D'Amato
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.

I like it. The only reason I gave it a 3.5 and not 4 or 4.5 is that there are quite a few errors and one big ambiguity in one of the sentences: "The words of a child looking like old men sinking..."--at first I thought you were referring to the boy; only when I reached the end did I realize you were talking about the words. I suggest putting a comma after "child" or rewriting it. Other errors, like "mothers"--"mother's", capitalization, etc. need to be fixed, since this is quite a short piece and they stand out.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
5
5
Review by Kris D'Amato
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.

Lovely take on Cinderella. Generally good rhymes and decent rhythm, as well as a great fairytale feel to it. The only gripe I have is that the rhymes didn't always fit perfectly, and the rhythm was also very choppy, especially towards the end. I guess a folk story/poem like that needs to be told with a singsong voice and a good rhythm would therefore help very much.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
6
6
Review of True Nature  
Review by Kris D'Amato
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.

I like this. I saw a couple of reviews of this piece before I read it--they seem to think that it was a poem, even though you explicitly classified it as a monologue. Anyway, I like the message, even though it's too short to say I was amazed. It's very true, but I think an even more pertinent truth is that we try to be better than our contemporaries.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
7
7
Review of "Prologue"  
Review by Kris D'Amato
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (2.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.

I don't want this to sound too harsh; we're all learning here after all. First thing that went through my mind was: is this philosophical argument, creative fiction, or a bit of both? By the end I was convinced that it was the last option. There's nothing wrong with that, but it felt a bit ambiguous at first. Since I love philosophy, I'm going to pass a few remarks on the ideas besides the writing. I'm guessing you were speaking of creation and the metaphysics of being; if so, it's very difficult to speak of a "pre-space" and a "pre-time" without shooting yourself with contradictions. As an example, you write "It was not a hasty decision on Its part..." If time does not exist and there's simply this notion of a Higher Being (like Parmenides' One) in sole existence, there is no notion of a hasty or slow decision. That would imply the existence of time. Anyway, I won't go into more philosophy since it's beyond this review. As far as the writing goes, there are many many comma splices. Please avoid them, because they make the piece almost undecipherable, especially towards the end. Some wording is also ambiguous. I think a rewrite is in order here. I'd love to read more about your theory; if you put up any more articles, please point me towards them.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
8
8
Review of Strength Within  
Review by Kris D'Amato
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (2.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.

Unfortunately, as I read this, I found myself being drawn to the technical side, especially the rhyme, rather than the message. I'm sorry if you went through that sort of emotional trouble, but for a poem to be really inspirational I think it needs to be concise and forceful. In my opinion this poem was not like that. The rhyme is also very ambiguous; sometimes it rhymes, other times it doesn't. I would stick to one form.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
9
9
Review of Homeless  
Review by Kris D'Amato
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (2.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.

I'm not sure whether to look at this as prose or a catharsis of feeling. Of course, you are not homeless since you have the means to write, so I'll assume this is more of a metaphor. The metaphor is good as far as the feelings of depression and "lack of a home" for your heart are concerned. The writing of this piece, however, is a bit strange and there are a few technical issues as well. Why the use of the mnemonic? (I don't know whether it's called by any other name) I can't imagine why you need to have each paragraph starting with a letter from the word homeless. It seems to me more of a learning/remembering tool. The thing that bothered me most with the writing is the frequency of fragmented sentences. And that comes from a guy who just loves fragmented sentences. Sometimes I think you need to go back on what you've written and tone back on such overuse. A few other problems: "its'" rather than "its", "have no voice" instead of "having no voice", "ok" (I would use another word entirely), "lonely" instead of "loneliness".

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
10
10
Review of Through the Storm  
Review by Kris D'Amato
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.

As far as the tale goes, that was quite imaginative in terms of overall feel and use of imagery. What's up with the format though? My major issue with the writing is the repeated comma splices--were they somehow intended? I don't feel they worked, at least with me, and they're everywhere. I also noticed "that, he" twice. The comma is extra. There might have been some typos, though one that I remember is "an red rusty ..."

Take care,

Kris

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
11
11
Review of Who Did He Kill?  
Review by Kris D'Amato
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.

I think the heart behind this little non-fiction exposition of the quote is good. But there are a few issues with the writing--I think it can be improved: "though some of them have passed away" seems superfluous, and "are unable to say any more information" has two problems: one, it refers to you (singular) and "give" is more appropriate than "say" with respect to information. Also, "reasoning behind the quote"--perhaps it could be better rephrased as "understanding of"? or "thoughts on"? There are quite a few misplaced commas, especially in conjunction with the word "So"; also be careful to eliminate any superfluous wording.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
12
12
Review of Decaying Beauty  
Review by Kris D'Amato
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.

I like it--the second stanza sounds to me a little forced, and I was going to give it a 3.5 on account of that, but the rest is very good. I like the imagery and the form is interesting as well. That second stanza somehow seems to lack some of the flow in the rest of the poem. Good use of vocabulary--I had to look up legerdemain. Lovely word.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
13
13
Review by Kris D'Amato
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.

Alright, I think that was an interesting interview with some nice insight into this Anthony's character. The gist of it is good; I'd like to point out some problems. The first that really got to me was the clause "who he lost 14 years ago to cancer". That clause is actually referring to the car, not the wife. If you want it to refer to the wife you have to remove the comma and reword it as necessary. I also found a few places where punctuation and/or sentence structure was a bit lacking. An example is this: "passers-by, commented on his position, such a long distance from the others". The first comma is extra, and I would also reword the last part. "And as I'd noticed when I'd arrived. He wasn't." The thought is split into two phrases which make no sense separately. The period is not needed there. Be careful when writing dialogue; "I'm a non-conformist" needs a comma after the 't'. This problem appears in the rest of the text as well. Finally, I think that when the dialogue is edited square brackets are used--confirm this, I'm not totally sure--so that it's "[her death]" and not "(her death)".

Take care,

Kris

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
14
14
Review by Kris D'Amato
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.

I like it. My major complaint is the color--why? Does it signify envy? My other complaint is that the first four lines don't seem to add much to the poem. If you eliminate them and perhaps remove the "Even" from the resulting first line the result would be much more coherent and effective. Take care!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
15
15
Review of Love  
Review by Kris D'Amato
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (2.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.

Usually I like short, succinct poems, but unfortunately I found that this one made too much use of old cliches like "I can't stop thinking about you" to strike me emotionally as it should have. You have a minor spelling mistake - "freind". I would also drop the rhyme; I don't feel it adds much in this case.

Just my opinion--take care!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
16
16
Review by Kris D'Amato
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 18+ | (1.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.

I'm afraid this looks very hastily put together. Did you try and read this again after you wrote it? In the first sentence, there is a comma-splice (joining together of two unrelated thoughts by a comma), tense misuse (you jump from past to present and back to past again) and clunky use of words. I suggest picking one tense and working around it. There are also many comma splices throughout that need to be addressed. The "(sports)" doesn't add much to the story, and you have to be careful about using the same sentence structure all the time. GT Mustang is written with capitals. There are also many spelling mistakes throughout, e.g. "bed room", "mam", "nod" instead of "nods", etc. The conversation sounds very unnatural; it's tough to get conversation sound good, so don't worry too much if you are still starting out.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
17
17
Review by Kris D'Amato
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.

I like the loving tribute to your good sons. It's something that I don't come across so very often, to be quite honest (usually it's the other way round). As far as the poem goes, it does sound a bit simplistic, which may not necessarily be a bad thing, mind you. But there's also an issue with the rhythm, which I think may be a bit lacking. On the other hand, good job on the rhyme.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
18
18
Review of I Miss Buttons  
Review by Kris D'Amato
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.

Overall, I quite liked it. I especially think that with a reread and a rewrite this would make good reading for a child. The issue is important and children do think of these questions. It is written in a light, simple style that is appropriate for the subject matter. There were, however, a few errors that I noticed here and there. I'm sure a rewrite would fix those.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
19
19
Review of Today  
Review by Kris D'Amato
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.

Hmmm... I tend to like it overall. There are some good words and some great thoughts here. I find the rhythm a bit choppy personally, and the rhyme is erratic at several points. That is my major issue with this, since it hurts the flow and the enjoyment of the poem.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
20
20
Review by Kris D'Amato
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: ASR | (2.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.

Well, I honestly kept expecting a moral or a reason behind all the nonsense. Or perhaps an extremely funny twist. Not that I don't like absurd prose--I love it, but this seemed to be very random. Unfortunately, I also failed to find it comical. But that may be just me. Don't worry too much, I know it was random.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
21
21
Review by Kris D'Amato
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (2.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.

I'm not sure I understand this bit of prose very well. I understand the issue is being burdened, which is an interesting topic for dark prose like this. Incidentally, I thought it was a poem at first, given its structure. Anyway, what I found most confusing was the shifting person. Is it "me" or "him"? E.g. "forsaken the soul" seems to refer to a third person; at least that is what I'm led to believe. I'm also unsure what "placement" means in the third line. I think that "bearing" and "the" need to exchange places in the fifth line, but I'm not by any means certain what you intended to mean there, so I could be wrong.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
22
22
Review by Kris D'Amato
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: ASR | (2.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.

Unfortunately I think this was written a bit hastily. First of all, I usually associate the idiom "walking on eggshells" with being very careful around someone else--lest you should offend them or harm them. Besides the instances of errors in the text ("one" instead of "on", "eye" instead of "I", "phycology" instead of "psychology", etc.) I noticed redundancy, e.g. "I didn't give a second thought to paying attention to the light" as well as in other places.

Please rewrite it; it could make an interesting short.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
23
23
Review of Thump Thump Beep  
Review by Kris D'Amato
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.

Uhh... I hate to give this a 2.5! I liked it, to be sure. But it would make way more sense if you didn't call it poetry. It's actually a great hook for a short short story, being very dramatic and in-your-face. But it does lack the structure, flow, and imagery of poetry. Anyway, I can still give you a well done of sorts.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
24
24
Review of help  
Review by Kris D'Amato
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (2.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.

I loved the first three lines, except for the word "scattering" which should really be "scattered" there--even though the rhythm would be completely different then. The flow was, up to that point, very good. And the writing emotional and affecting. From then onwards it goes flat. The last two lines more than the rest. Besides that there are several mistakes: "disapeared", several instances of "i", and "dispare".

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
25
25
Review by Kris D'Amato
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.

Alright, I'm giving your third chapter a shot here. I'm writing as I read so try and make sense of what I write; it's gonna sound a bit like a fragmented train of thought.

Remember to edit your story, at least read it from beginning to end or have someone else do it for you. And also don't be afraid of deleting whole sections if they don't sound right. That way you can get rid of several redundancies which you would say when speaking out loud but read badly in print. So, for example, 'wing flapping sounds' gets cut down to simply 'flapping of wings'. In itself, it's a sound, so you don't need to say it.

'Aroma' of burnt diesel. I don't know, but aroma has too nice a connotation to be used to characterize the smell of diesel. Also, use more imagery. It'd be better if you said something like 'The acrid smell of burnt diesel permeated the windy cabin'. Show don't tell.

Be consistent with capitalization. If it's Sir, it should be Sir throughout. 'Deap'--should be 'deep'. 'Pipe's' should be 'pipes'. Personally I'd rather if you eliminated that sentence completely. It sounds superfluous. Commas--be careful where you put the commas. 'but I did, sort of have my way' should have no comma there. 'cool-dudes' without the dash. '4 by 4'. Usually, numbers less than ten are written in letters except in some specific cases.

Run-on sentences/comma splices--'Within several minutes the truck started to shake, he down shifted ...' You can use a semicolon or a period there, or connect the two clauses with 'and'. Well, unless you're going for a Kafkaesque kind of style. 'tires chirped'--I'm not sure 'chirped' is the correct word here. Screeched, perhaps?

Be careful of repetition; the repeated mentioning of burnt fuel aroma, for example. I repeat the need for good imagery. 'Their bird droppings landed like B-52 blanket bombing'--well, that sounds comical, but I hardly think that is your intention there. Be careful of moments like these--you'll spot them immediately after a reread.

Usage of inverted commas. I noticed sections that needed work with respect to this. "Oh good heavens it's you, he tucked in his shirt ..." I think you forgot a pair of quotation marks there. The rest of the paragraph also needs quotation marks, especially at the end.

I haven't read it throughout; maybe I'll try doing so later. I'll repeat this because it is probably the most helpful advice that I can give: read it again. Read it once, marking sections/words that need rewriting as you go along. Then start over and rewrite the marked bits. Then reread it again and repeat the whole process until you've got something you're more or less happy about. Don't be too happy. When you upload it people will spot new mistakes and you're gonna have to repeat the whole thing over again. It's just something you have to grow accustomed to.

Anyway, happy writing and keep at it!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
75 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 3 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/krisdamato