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This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.
I liked this overall. Quite a good flow; the rhymes are okay and the reading is very rhythmic, which is good. I also liked the content. I think you have succeeded in what you have set out to do. Two minor points: 'A child of only six years old' sounds off. I know you've got poetic license, but I dunno... that's just my opinion about it. Also, it ends on a very depressing tone--is the girl contemplating suicide? That's the idea it gives me.
This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.
I feel for your loss. I experienced it several times during my childhood. I can remember burying my first pet. It's one of those things that you cannot forget. As far as the poem goes, well, I don't think this would really fall under the category of poetry per se. I think it'd be better if you tried and made a short story out of what you have already written, of course adding in some details so that it flows. The problem with this is that it does not read like a poem: there's little flow and the visual language is interspersed with extra details that detract from the aesthetic quality needed for a poem.
This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.
I applaud you on your visual skills. You really manage to paint a picture with the words. However, I don't very much see this as a poem. Prose, perhaps? There are bits with an inkling of rhythm, others with none whatsoever. That on its own does not really make it not a poem, but I feel like this was written with no form in mind, but only evocative language. There you do succeed, even though to be honest I'm not too sure I understood what the poem is all about.
This is my opinion--that of a single man in a world of about seven billion. So do take it cum grano salis. Having said that, I try to be objective as much as possible by reading this as a first reader would, so rest assured I'll give you an unbiased opinion.
First of all welcome to WDC! I hope you're enjoying it here :)
I enjoy your frank style--I know I've enjoyed it especially in King's books when I was a bit younger (still do occasionally). It's a style, which if you develop well, will get you readers.
The writing, however, has quite a few issues that need to be dealt with. The first thing I noticed was that the story lacks a good structure in terms of paragraphs. They are mostly two-liners. They could be expanded upon or perhaps joined together to form more complete thoughts.
The introduction felt a bit off. There was that 'things ...' which was very ambiguous. Try and make it a bit more flowing and intriguing. I noticed that after your mention of these 'things' you go on to talk about the boy's career. It sounds off, a bit. Also, try and avoid ellipses--i.e. use them sparingly rather than avoid them.
I noticed a few errors/mistakes. Not much to write home about, but they were the kind that don't get caught by the spellchecker. E.g. 'shacking' and 'exited' vs 'shaking' and 'excited'. You also do not really need inverted commas around 'old school'. And never, ever, use 'etc.' in a story. Well--unless you rally know what you are doing. Some phrases sounded clunky, such as 'using his best stealth' and 'with a lengthy investigation'. The former can be replaced by 'sneaking' and I would at least change that 'with' to an 'after' in the latter.
Adverbs: try and reduce their usage. Publishers don't like them very much. Again, do use them, but sparingly.
Hmm... I usually like short succinct poems. They tend to be more effective; at least to me. But in this case, though the message and the content are agreeable enough, I tend to feel pulled away by an odd-feeling rhythm and that last line. The thing is that it seemed to have been written with rhythm in mind, so when the rhythm faltered it kept me from enjoying the rest.
Lovely, heartfelt, short, sweet poem. I loved it! Good rhythm pretty much throughout (just faltered a little in the last stanza I believe, but otherwise great), nice rhyme, and last but most importantly, simple and pithy words. Sometimes those words are more effective than complicated eulogies. Keep it up.
I wish I could rate this higher--but I cannot really. I don't know exactly why, but I couldn't really get into the poem; kept getting distracted and the rhythm didn't really flow well with me. Maybe it's the form you chose to write it in, or maybe it's just me, I don't know.
I like it. Good use of imagery in my opinion. I'm not sure I like the form of the poem (structurally speaking) that much personally--which has nothing got to do with you really--because I think the rhythm feels a bit lost in the slightly unnaturally varying length of the verses. Having said that, I'm not an expert, so take that with a pinch of salt. One minor nitpick: I think it should be 'skis' not 'skies'.
This would be a 3.5 or even a 4 if not for the extremely frequent errors throughout. You've got a good, basic story there which has that special noir feel of detective stories. But I see omissions, strange sentence structure, comma splices (which might stylistically work, but I'm not too sure), bad grammar, and some strange sounding bits as well (e.g. 'Would I?'--what's that?, and 'half-eaten cigar'--this sounds a bit off, so to speak). Other than that, I like it.
Love the part until "zoo". Then it sort of goes downhill from there. You've got a great idea, I can tell, but... I don't know, maybe I don't get the point of the last bit or something. But it strikes me as having absolutely no connection to the first 7 lines whatsoever.
Nice use of an unusual structure there. The flow was so-so. There were places where I felt the poem kind of got stuck there, but nothing too bad. As far as the subject goes (which I don't rate for) I am not one for miracles personally. Or at least, not the divine, supernatural ones. I think we make our own miracles, if at all. Keep writing!
I uh.. don't want this to sound too harsh. But I felt that it really read like prose, not poetry. You have some real emotion there, but unless it's got flow--at least flow, let's ignore rhythm and structure for the time being--I can't really force myself to think of it as poetry. I'd rather see it in paragraph form than in verses. Of course, that's just my opinion so don't take it too seriously.
Let me start off by saying I like it. Even with the comma splices, I like it. I don't know whether those comma splices were intended or not--if not, be careful. I like the terse prose. Well done on that. The writing was, however, shoddy in some places. Besides the comma splices (which stylistically work for me at least), you've got several errors throughout. Reread it again. It would deserve a 4 for sure.
There's some good ideas here, definitely. But, is this ... a poem? I mean, sure it's written in verses, but it hardly has any form, rhythm, or flow. I'm sorry for the low mark but I can hardly read this as intended. Try writing it a bit more elegantly, perhaps. Take care.
Well, well. At first I was liking it. The first five lines or so really went down well with me, but after that I noticed that there is hardly any flow, any rhythm. I mean, there does not really need to be any rhythm in the usual sense of the word--I kinda like freeform poems like yours--but I got stuck in at least a couple of places while reading it. You also have an "it's" which should be "its", but that's nitpicking.
Well done. I liked that very much. So, was Farmer Sam a personification of the US? I'm not American myself, so I'm not really up-to-date with the current issues there, but this obviously had the make of a political allegory. I guess we all tend to be shortsighted like the chickens and forget the big picture. Farmer Sam is at the end of the day after us all.
Love it! I think the format is very intriguing--I'm no expert when it comes to poetry, take my word for it. I had never heard of a villanelle before. Well done on getting the structure right (as you explained it). When I read it I couldn't completely get into it (perhaps because there's so much noise here and I can't concentrate) but I'll try and reread it later on.
Indeed! I completely agree with the content of this little article. Tradition for its sake is not good. There are a few errors/things I would have written differently, e.g. "on his first Sunday as the Affirmation ..."--that requires a comma. I also wouldn't say "turned towards the back" but simply "turned to face the back". Sounds a bit more natural. Might be nitpicks, true, so don't worry too much! But they'll make your article read more professionally.
Very good. Very very good. I honestly thought it was Lisa that was the android, not Robert. Until the very end. Good job on that twist. One small thing: I re-read the whole thing to see why--there was the phrase "allowed you to learn to love me", which Robert says to Lisa. It feels too much of a trick. In the sense that it would make better sense if it was told to an android rather than the other way round. If it were omitted the reader would still think that Lisa was the android (at the end of the day, the reader identifies with a human being, not an android), and that final revelation would still be awesome.
Well, I don't know whether this is a true anecdote or not. If it is, I'm sorry this happened--sometimes it happens to those who don't deserve it. Unfortunately, as a bit of writing I don't feel that it really strikes me emotionally or otherwise. And there definitely is potential for it to do so.
Loved it, except the ending. It was very well written; great use of imagery throughout and good language as well. No real problems with the spelling that I could find (except a single 'it's' instead of an 'its', but that's nitpicking). The ending however---either I didn't understand it or she came back to life, which was sort of a cheesy ending after all the negative buildup and the machine going flat etc...). Or perhaps I'm a negative bastard and just don't like happy endings :)
It is with a heavy heart that I give it a 3.5. It was a lovely read. I enjoyed how different it was from other works I've seen on the site. But (there's always a but) it could be improved a bit. Besides the spelling mistakes here and there, I think there were two major things I found issue with: 1) The end seems a bit too... explanatory. It tells, not shows. I would try and somehow make it sound a bit more symbolic, perhaps. 2) Man-creatures? If I referred to deer as deer I wouldn't refer to men as man-creatures.
Hmm... I don't mean to offend, but I was wondering whether English was your native language. In the sense that some words sound very unnatural in places. The second sentence, for example, "She tried to hold her face expressionless" should be "She tried to keep a straight face" or perhaps "She didn't want to betray her emotions". The same thing is sprinkled throughout the text.
Keep trying, don't get discouraged.
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