Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/krisdamato/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
Considering that it was written for a 24 hour contest, I give it a 4. Otherwise, a 3 or 2.5 might have been more appropriate. The story is good. One problem is that it can't really be called a conversation. The "conversation" between Ben and his conscience only occupies a small portion of the story, and I can hardly call it a conversation, really. Other than that, and the obvious errors, it is a good story.
A great idea marred by mediocre writing. I really mean it; this could have been written to astound, but there are mistakes all over and the beginning is very clumsy. I don't know whether it was done hastily for some contest; if so, apologies. A rewrite could make turn this into a great bit of reading.
Well done, what can I say. I could really imagine the Southern accent there and the behavior. Good overall story as well; it kept me reading until the end (which is hard enough with most postings here). I would personally tone down on the ellipsis during the narrative bits, but that's about it. Well done!
I wasn't quite sure whether to give this a 3.5 or a 4. I gave it the benefit of the doubt. It is a story with good potential, but I find that the writing does not hold me; does not intrigue me enough to read on. At some points it sounds like rambling. I guess, it was written in a dry, fragmented manner on purpose, but it doesn't do much to me. There were a few off-sounding bits here and there, and I would also alter the paragraph form, making them a bit chunkier.
Decent, but not as enticing as it could be. Eliminate the line "If you desire to know what happened to me, subsequently you’re going to have to read the story." It is completely unnecessary, and obvious. The less words, the more powerful the remaining words that remain. Other than that, I find it a bit clumsy in places. Why not give a hint of what it so come? I don't know...
Well, I get the impression that you are a very good writer that is intentionally trying his best to obfuscate and obscure his writings. I had a look at this and another of your postings and they both have an extremely high count of tough words and long, winded sentences. I guess that's your thing, which is interesting enough in itself, but gee... talk about reduction to absurdity.
Good, solid, funny story. A couple of mistakes here and there, but nothing to really bother about too much. I think you got the character of this Mr. Stan across very well; the homeless guy did seem a little enigmatic, but well, I guess that's at least partially intended. Well done.
Very nice imagery, and very good choice of words. I may need to reread it to understand it better, but I felt it was a bit difficult to understand parts of it. I loved that first line--it is indeed true that death casts light on life. Everything that is negative makes the rest comparatively positive.
I like it. Especially the spoken words. I would personally have given it a dreamier feeling perhaps by using different sentence structures. I think--think!--this may be purgatory you are describing. If so, well done. Still, I think it may need that little something to propel it into greatness, if you know what I mean.
I love this. Very effective in my opinion. Small nitpick - "I've landed" should be "I've landed in". One other thing that bothered me is that they are not aware of your disconnection, yet they send paper airplanes... seems a bit of a contradiction. Love the imagery otherwise.
Yeah well, the story seems interesting enough (though I haven't read the first chapter). There were a few problems with the language, and at times I think you may have used English that sounds a bit too colloquial (eg. using "duh". I personally hate that word, but anyways it shouldn't be present in writing anyway :) )
I liked it overall... Couldn't really get a grasp of the rhythm there though it did have a nice choice of words.
There is a problem with the line before last. "your right , who cares" should be "you're right, who cares". Sorry for the nitpick, but I tend to think these things detract from the enjoyment :)
Honestly, I loved it. Sort of reminded me of Haruki Marukami's Kafka on the Shore, especially the bits where one of the characters was stuck in this surreal episode which might have been a dream or not. Well done. Didn't see too many adverbs like someone said, but I did think the English was a bit clumsy in places. Still, keep writing.
Well, I loved the imagery and your vision; I think you were onto something there. I could really imagine the girl running away from her torment; your words made the imagery come to life. Well done with that aspect.
There were, I think, a few problems with the writing itself. Some sentences need rewriting or rephrasing. The bit about her eyesight blurring sounded off, somehow. I would suggest omitting it. You also say she was fatigued; I don't think you can feel fatigued if you've got an adrenaline rush. Just a thought.
Anyhow, keep writing. I liked it!
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/krisdamato/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 2:56am on Apr 24, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
