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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kuhlambe
Review Requests: OFF
6 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Amber Kuhlman
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I like this. Very descriptive. Just be careful with the over-use of adverbs :)
2
2
Review of Not that Girl  
Review by Amber Kuhlman
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is well written. I love the description. Write on!
3
3
Review by Amber Kuhlman
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
You have a good thing going here, but be careful with you past and present tense wording :)
4
4
Review of Blood Shift Ch. 1  
Review by Amber Kuhlman
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really enjoyed this, and I don't say that often. However, it is possible to over-describe your scenes, which I feel you were doing here.

Ex:

"The joke fell flat somewhere between my brain and reality. No matter what I tried, the mannequin continued to stare at me with her unnerving cobalt eyes. All the stupid-skinny-frozen-people were. Somewhere in the deep recesses of whatever logic I still possessed, I knew the thought border-lined complete whacko. Mannequins didn’t actually stare. They were inanimate objects. Right?"

I loved this, but the description was just too much. You used both "unnerving" and "cobalt" to describe her eyes. One descriptive word could have sufficed. Also, "recesses", "logic", and "possessed" were a bit much, as well.

You are talented. Keep it up.
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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kuhlambe