Back again abominae: I liked this sotry. It flowed really well and moved right along. You settings were easy to picture as were the charecters. The dialogue was believable and witty and helped to push the story forward. I really liked the relationship between Vincel and Jath. Due to the descriptions in the beginning of vampires and werewolves, even someone not familiar with legend could understand the charecters. The action was good and easy to follow.
There were a few small errors.
To make reading easier, please double space between paragraphs.
I saw two word errors as I was reading, but now I can't find them, so maybe it was just my eyes.
My favorite line:"You know you have to say it, Jath." Jath laughed heartily.
"Come on in, Vincel, make yourself at home, don't forget to wipe your feet." Vincel stepped inside the werewolf's house and removed his cloak and sword.
Gives you a whole new view of vampires and werewolves!
This felt like it should be turned into something bigger to me. I hope that that is what the author plans. Keep creating! Lin
This was a wonderful story to read. The emotions in the story are powerful. The telling of events past and the author's current life, flow well and the story moves along rapidly. I love the wayt he author has combined his growing up memories with the memories fo his life with his daughter. The author's tome throughout is conversational. I felt like we were sitting down sharing a coffee while he recounted events. Combining the love of cooking and the comfort of the individual moments in life was an excellant. Your daughter will be thrilled when this is finished and she receives it. While it is tragic that a divorce has broken the immediate family unit up, it is clear that the author intends for life to be as special and "normal" as possible for his child. There are still a few things that need editing. I was so caught up in my reading that I stopped noticing errors, or just mentally corrected them and moved on. I shall try to remember what I can.
#1: Be consistent. You have numbers two ways and they all really need to be written out; seven not 7.
#2:In my own not too extraordinary life of events I too was the child of... I would suggest rephrasing this some: In my own not too extrodinary life, I too, was the child of... I have dropped a few words here that shortens the sentence. The extra words aren't necessary to the meaning.
#3.Still,many people watch spacing on words. this hapeens several times. You need a space between comma and many.
#4.I will say however that unfortunately your mother... I will say however, that unfortunately... Watch for commas. This happens several times as well.
#5.Laura's father kept commenting how "what a nice young woman I am marrying" and seemed to be focusing so... ...kept commenting on instead of "how"
#6.She just felt that they too should also know what... they too should or they should also, but not both too and also.
#7: This Sophia was the woman my mother was... This Sophia, was the woman... Comma after Sophia.
This is a wonderful story. I think that if you go over this line-by-line you will easily catch the little things that need correcting. This is not meant to be a line-by-line review. Keep writing. I hope to read more of your work. Welcome to Writing.com. I have included a few links that I find helpful and i hope you will. Also, may I suggest filling out your bio? Lin
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #854056 by Not Available.
Well done. Another excellant resource in the "how can I write if I don't know grammar" articles that appear here on Writing .com. I think I will find this a very useful resource and be using it as a link when I am reviewing. I look forwrd to seeing the list grow. Thanks for taking the time and putting in all this effort to help others. You are a fine example of why this is such an excellant website. Keep correcting! Lin
Hi Abominae! I am part of the group Simply Everything and your port has been chosen for review.
I thought that this was an interesting poem. It starts out dark but moves into light. The story told was a good one. It made me feel despair at first. I liked these lines:
The Shadow King grasped
My hands and I felt as if aging
for many seasons at a time. Clasped,
my hands could not be freed. Powerful imaging.
I felt that the poem flowed well and moved along nicely. The rhythm was easy. I will not comment on the technical aspects of poetry. I did not see any spelling errors. I liked the theme. Keep creating. Lin
I really liked this poem. I think that one of the hardest things for a parent is to watch their child adjust to school. For them to be in school and be lonely in the midst of all those other children is even harder. I was in tears for the child. The poem flowed well and moved along nicely. The author created a clear image for me with the use of carefully chosen words. My favorite lines;
She plays alone out on the playground.
Shuffling her feet through the overgrown grass.
Invisible to all as she twirls a leaf in her hand,
Holding it up toward the sun. I could clearly see and feel this.
I enjoyed this poem. I felt that it flowed well and moved right along. I liked the theme of the poem. The love of a lifetime, happening in a minute and lasting forever. There do not seem to be many relationships like this anymore. My favorite lines;
I know now what love is,
and the true joy that it can bring
through the years your gaze may grow dim,
and your wine might not taste as sweet,
our dance might lose a step,
and it might get off beat,
but I would not change a thing
I cannot speak to the technical aspects of writing the poem, but I can speak to the emotional. This poem reminded me of my parents. They had this type of love and I think you have gone along way towards catching that love. Good writing. Lin
I enjoyed reading this. It was a heartfelt letter to a lover the woman would never have. The author does a good job of showing the obsession the woman has with what she will never be able to enjoy. Her description of the feelings is very good. She is torn between her husband and the dream of what she would like her life to be.
"Do you know who I am? Have you figured out who’s writing this letter? Did you feel the same about me? Will I ever know…"
Good writing. As the author did this as a letter, I did not worry about whether puncuation was correct. I just read it as a normal correspondence where things are seldom perfect.
Welcome to Writing.com. Thanks for writing such an interesting bio. Lin
I thought that this was a very good start to this story. The author is already building tension. The story flows well and moves along nicely. The description of the tiger was excellant. I liked the title for him - "the man-eater of Pench." I am going to head over to Chapter one and see how things fare. Well done. I saw no errors. Lin
Hi again. This was very interesting and you have used some good description. We are in doubt about your setting. The description of the changes are good as well and there is lots of action. I would suggest a few things to help you improve this.
This reminded me more of a screenplay than a short story:
"There is a man in a mansion and he is running down a Hallway carrying a clipboard and two books with him, one of the books with two sketches of a winged gargoyle and the other of a skeleton with a pumpkin upon his head." Maybe begin this in a different manner. "I had this dream the other night. In the dream there was a man in a mansion. He was running down a hallway carrying a clipboard, and two books in his hands. One of the books had two sketches of a winged gargoyle. The other a skeleton with a pumpkin on his head." I changed some wording and broke some of the sentencing up. New paragraph - double space between them.
Stopping at the end of the Hallway, there is a dead end with a small mirror hanging upon the wall. The man twirls away from the mirror as if he heard something, not noticing the mirror changes into a large one, the wall expanding so it is very large and has a few spectres inside harmlessly swirling in circles. A giant skull and crossbones... He stops at the end of the hallway. There is a wall facing him with a small mirror hanging on it. The man twirls away from the mirror as if he heard something. He does not notice that the mirror is changing into a larger one. The wall is expanding so it is very large. There are a few spectres inside harmlessly... I changed some words around and changed some sentence lengths. The shorter sentences often have more impact. Especially in a horror story.
flame is spelled wrong.
The man turns around and looks at the large skull in fear. The skull bursts in flme, it's red eyes glittering and laughs as the man turns and runs away, not noticing the flaming skull disappears and a tombstone with R.I.P carved upon it appears in the mirror. The frantic man turns around looking with fear at the large skull. At that moment the skull bursts into flame appearing to laugh as the man twists round and bolts. He doesn't notice the flaming skull disappear or the tombstone with R.I.P. now reflected in the mirror. I have changed some words here for clarity and to avoid repetition of words. New paragraph starts- double space.
The man runs away to a door at the other end of the Hallway, then the mirror turns back to normal after he opens the door.The man turns around and sees the mirror back to normal and sighs with relief, backing through the darkened doorway, then he trips and falls ... The man flees to a door at the other end of the hallway. The mirror turns back to normal once the door is opened. Looking back he sees the noraml mirror, and sighs with relief. As he backs through the darkened doorway, he trips and falls... Changed some things and shortened some.
As a reviewer I am just trying to give you an idea on how to improve this piece. If you edit carefully, this could shine. Try to apply some of what I have shown you here and I will be happy to have another look. Keep writing because this is a story with good potential. I am including some writing links for you. Lin
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #854056 by Not Available.
Hi Simon. Welcome again to Writing.com. I really liked this poem. What you need to know first off, is that poetry is not my best field. I love reading it though, so I can tell you what I liked and maybe offer a few suggestions.
I liked the tone of this piece and the rhythm was fairly easy to settle into. I like the way you have written the dialogue. The poem made me laugh and feel joy which is great.
May I suggest:
Oh the unclean jack-daw goes a skipping up the path Eliminate unclean in this first line. It is mentioned clearly in the 2nd line so it is not necessary in the first. This will also help the flow.
As clean as I. In keeping with the language of the child, I would change "I" to "me".
He said, "Jolly boy, where are you going? The school is not near here." I would change "where are you going" to where ya goin', again in keeping with rest.
Understand that I am no expert. Good writing. Good feel to the poem and good fun. May I also suggest you fill in you bio and let us all know abit about you? Lin
This was avery powerful story about what happens when life throws curves at us. The writer did a very good job of passing on the terror that shattered a beautiful afternoon. I am very impressed by her ability to convey the scene. I had a clear vision of happiness shattered while a crowd watched. Good writing. As this story was part of her notebook challenge editing is not necessary. Lin
These are more thoughts on rating and reviewing that I enjoyed reading. I too, will be adding this to my list. I am always fascinated by how others see the rating and reviewing process.
Authors MUST have a good grasp of English grammar, spelling, punctuation, and syntax (unless they are writing in a language other than English, in which case I wouldn't be reading it in the first place). This site is professional, and I treat all the pieces as a finished product, unless the author has specifically stated that the piece is a work-in-progress.
Excellant!
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. I shall take them on board. Lin
Well why not! I never thought out a vampire needing a dentist before, but this story worked for me. The story flowed well and I liked that there was a vampire support group. The actual visit to the dentist was true to life and my favorite part was the doctor handing the vampire a bog full of dental goodies. I saw no spelling or grammer errors. My only suggestion would be to give us a more detailed descritpion of the main character. Good writing. Lin
I enjoyed this poem. The poem flowed well and moved along nicely. It is on a subject that I enjoy reading about. Trees mean a great deal to me and I have often pondered many of these same thoughts. The rhythm was easy to settle into. There are some lovely lines in this poem evoking good images. I think that my favorite lines were the last three:
"Tears suddenly make it hard to see;
Do I lament the life of the tree?
Or am I lamenting the life of me."
Well done. A very powerful poem that tore at my heart.
The poem flows well and moves along nicely. the rhythm is easy to settle into. The emotions in this piece are raw and grab the reader. I saw no errors. I loved the lines;
"In silent agony his soul cries out,
But no words form, he can not shout,
"Please know and need me, here I am,
Don’t ignore me till I’m a man".
A very good read. Thanks. May I suggest that you fill in your bio? Lin
This was a very vivid description by the author. It went from the depths of despair to the heights of exalting in just a few short words. The piece flowed well and moved right along. You included images that were easy to feel. I loved the last sentence. I can well imagine these words having gone through a few moments like this myself. I am very impressed and saw no errors. Welcome to Writing.com. Lin
This was another intersting example of microfiction. The story flows well and moves right along. We reveice a good deal of information in a few words of dialogue about the main charecter.Again, we can sumise an entire lifetime ahead for the babby, in just this short story. Good writing. Lin
This was a very good job of micro-fiction. The writer has caught in a few short words, years of pain and sadness over loss. Teh story flowed well and moved right along. I liked the repeating of the line "There was simply nothing to say." The simple use of the dates pushed the story forward. I really liked this. I saw no errors. Lin
This is a story for flash fiction. It flows along well and the description is pretty good. I liked the lines, "Lightning flashed again. The monster was closer. She hoped it wasn't a vampire. Or a zombie. Something clattered behind her." Good building of tension.
In the first paragraph I think you should describe the cat hair ie: was it wet? Most cats don't have any odor unless there is something wrong.
I also couldn't figure out what they were doing in the damp, dusty hallway. Maybe a brief reason for being there.
Otherwise, I do think you did a very good job on writing for flash fiction. I hope you will keep doing that. You did do a good job of presenting the fear of the main charecter and building suspense. Keep writing. Lin
I thought that this was a beautiful poem. It brought tears to my eyes. Images of many older couples that I love flashed through my mind. There are a wealth of emotions flowing through this poem. The poem flows well and it is easy to settle into the rhythm. My favorite lines: "Someday, our treasure of teeming joy shall not be be tempered with earthly trouble or despair." Beautiful. I saw no errors. Good writing. Lin
This was a very good poem. It flowed well and moved right along. The rhythm is easy to settle into. The author paints a good picture withwell chosen words. I liked the incorporation of Stolen By Frances into the poem. The added explatnion of what happened to the author and how it impacted her is interesting. It makes me thankful for what I have. I saw no errors. Good writing. Lin
I liked this poem. It speaks of renewal and the litle joys in life that gives us a great lift. The poem flows well and moves along nicely. The author creates good images with their words. The poem is easy to understand and easy to relate to. I have no great expertise in poetry, but I do like the theme of this poem. I also liked the repetition of the words "I sit sullen" and the the shift in emotion witht he coming of the rain. In the stanza that begins "The world is reborn..." when you come to the line "For rain is what that gives us life..." I would like to suggest that the author switch some words around to make the flow here better. "For rain is that which gives us life and eases all our pains." I bow to the author's decision on this suggestion. The author has chosen not to use punctuation, so i can not comment on that. I liked the content of this poem. It made me smile and feel good at the conclusion. Good writing. Lin
Hi! Welcome to Writing.com. This is your first lesson on how to get noticed. I read a review of your article on the Public Reviewing page and I decided to have a look at the article. So, having an article reviewed is a good way to get other people to look at your writing.
If you read a story, a poem, or an article and you catch even one error and let the author know, then you have helped that author. If you like what you read or did not like it, and you let that author know, then you have helped that author. That makes you qualified to review. It also gives you exposure because more than likely, that author will return the favor.
Join some groups. There are groups for everything on this site and the people in the group will probably review at least one of your items in your port. I just read a very good article on writing with a number of links that are helpful. I found it on the Public Reviewing page just as I found your article.
You have to want to write. You need to put in some effort. I know that it can be tedious to have to keep clicking on links, but I generally learn something when I do.
Try entering a contest or two. Bid on something in an auction. Sometimes, I just run down a list of bidders for authors to review.
Having said all this, may I suggest that you go back over this article for punctuation. There were a few errors that if corrected will help this to shine.
"dis-activated" -"deactivated"
"...in this, the information age,..." I would break this entire sentence up as it is pretty long.
I know that the other reviewer has made corrections so I will not repeat them. I am glad that you joined this site and thanks for being honest and saying what you think. Alos, if anyone is ever nasty, you have only to forward the comments to SM or SMS. That is not tolerated here. For the most part, you will find that people are kind and helpful. Welcome again. Lin
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #832227 by Not Available.
I urge other authors to have a look at this folder and read what is a delightful collection of poems. I honestly think that children will love these poems and quickly become addicted to reading them. The charecters are fun and the words silly. The author is very creative. I would purchase these poems as a book for my nieces and nephews and future grandchildren, were it available. These is good writing. Lin
This is the last poem for me to read in the Dinkerville series. I was not disappointed. The poem flows well and moves right along. The rhythm is easy and fun. The description makes it easy for a child to imagine the Bisenfrath. Outside of more punctuation, I think there are no errors. A good addition. Lin
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/laart1/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.26 seconds at 5:32pm on Apr 25, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
