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90 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I give a general view, a disclaimer paragraph, what I think works well, what I think needs a bit of work, and a section where I pick out the technical errors according to my knowledge. If you'd prefer a brief paragraph of my thoughts instead of a long review, please let me know.
I'm good at...
Being a lover of the Thesaurus, I am good at finding alternative words for overused ones. When reviewing, since the story is not mine, I wouldn't dare insert another term and deprive the writer the gratification of finding their own. I would merely let the author know it is stale.
Favorite Genres
I like almost all genres
Least Favorite Genres
I am not fond of reading about spirituality, but don't mind reading about a spiritual person.
Favorite Item Types
I like almost all types.
Least Favorite Item Types
I don't understand poetry enough to give a good review.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Broken  
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!

My default disclaimer paragraph *BigSmile*

Keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with. I'm not an expert: just someone who likes to read and write.

Pretty awesome stuff right here

Having broken bones was a horrible way to remember the highlights or page turners in one's life. Could you imagine; well, I guess you did. *BigSmile* I'd no idea where all of this broken bone talk would take me, but what a wonderful ending. I felt all warm, fuzzy, and satisfied.

I love how the main character expresses his hurt from his dog being hit by the car before I even got to Miles crying. Even though Miles calls Jacko a dumb dog, I knew Miles didn't feel that way. No one would choose a specific place to put an animal to rest if the animal wasn't beloved.

Perhaps, just a bit of work

Although I could hardly find any flaw to point out, I felt it my duty to scour for something. I mean, no one writes as well as you if he or she isn't serious about improving. This is what I spooned out:

*Martian* In the sentence where Miles' niece scribbles on his cast, I thought "carefully used" sounded a little better than "was carefully using."

*Martian* In a couple of places, I read what I think are called particles that aren't necessary. For instance: his sister coming to see him and check up on him.

*Martian* I found a missing conjunction comma. His uncle Dave took Miles to see about the shiner, and his aunt made a fuss over the black eye. The comma is missing in the sentence that talks about his relatives being concerned about his mishap.

*Martian* Something about the paragraph where Miles' father says he's leaving had me emotionally preparing, but nothing became of the emotion. I can't quite put my finger on it. It's like, you know there is going to be pain, but you don't express it fully. I don't know. Maybe I'm over picking.

Your story was wonderful. I quite enjoyed where it went and how it ended.


Thanks for Sharing,
Ladee Caid

2
2
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello PureSciFi!

I stopped by your portfolio to have a look and review. I've chosen one of your works of art you created for the Power Reviews.

My default disclaimer paragraph *BigSmile*

Keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.


Pretty awesome stuff right here

I love the background. Although I'm not a SciFi fanatic, the vastness, the beauty, and the reality that our galaxy is but a speck in outer space fascinates and humbles me. What lurks beyond our planet is both frightening and awe-inspiring.

The feminine colors in your picture are calming and create a feeling of quiet inner travel. The swirling pattern of the galaxy creates a movement that stays within the borders, The eye is kept from wandering off of the page.

In contrast to the deep blue of the background, you've added bold, bright masculine letters. The combination works well, for the letters pop. Your creation is pleasing to look at.

The serif font you chose also helps the letters stand apart from the background.

Perhaps, something to think about in the future.


While the choice of colors is spot on, a couple of the letter colors could be changed to make the letters more legible. In the word "Reviewers," the "s" at the end is a bit lost at the top of the letter. I wonder if you switched the "r" red and the "s" blue if the "s" would show better.

The purple "A" in "Away" blends so well with the background I read the word as "way." The "F" in "From" almost fades into the swirl of the galaxy.

Aside from a little bit of blending, your message is clear and the whole of it is exciting to look at.

Ladee *Crab*
3
3
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Jakrebs!

I enjoyed reading your story. A clear picture formed in my mind of Dave standing over the toilet and looking out the window.

I too have marveled at a drop of dew glistening a rainbow in the sunlight. I've leaned from one side to the other to see the different colors. I've never shared what I'd seen because the awe-inspiring feeling would have been lost in the retelling.
You've expressed the experience perfectly.

Through your short dialogue, I sensed the difference in personalities. Tara came across to be practical-minded. Whereas Dave seemed fun-loving and a bit of a romantic dreamer.

Dave's side of the conversation convinced me. I too would have married him.


Thank you for sharing and reminding me of the small things of beauty such as a dewdrop that make such a momentary impact.

Well done,

Ladee *Peace*



4
4
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Abby!

I found your story on the Read & Review page. A supervillain with anger issues had me intrigued. How would he control such a thing?

My default disclaimer paragraph *BigSmile*

Keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

Pretty awesome stuff right here

I noticed that you bolded some of your words. I assumed you had to incorporate those words and make a coherent story. Well done. The way you wrapped your tale around the prompted list of words was quite clever.

The way Finn controlled the room with his powers was unforeseen. I felt proud of him for not letting go of what had always been part of him but learned how to use his skill for something good. The fact that I felt for the protagonist means you'd done your job as a storyteller. You made me care for him.

I like the ending. Finn's got himself a date. Woot!

Perhaps, just a bit of work

The descriptive paragraph of Esmeralda didn't flow with the rest of the story. A lot of times, the reader doesn't need much description of the characters. However, if you want the reader to know what Esmeralda looked like, feeding us bits of the information a little at a time would bring life to the story. For instance, while Esmeralda is talking, she could be tucking her red, wavy hair behind her ear. Her jade-green eyes might twinkle as she finishes Finns' sentence. You know, that sort of thing.

All-in-all, I found your story enjoyable.

Good Work

Ladee *Peace*
5
5
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Serge!

Welcome to WDC.

I quite enjoyed the tale of the auto mechanic alien. Saiz is a likable character. I'm fond of the shop's owner, the protagonist, but I just want to hug Saiz.

My default disclaimer paragraph *BigSmile*

Keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

Pretty awesome stuff right here

What I like most about this story is the earthly feel I can relate to with aliens incorporated into the everyday lives of earthlings. Saiz's presence in the auto shop is as natural and accepted as if he were human.

Perhaps, just a bit of work

You have a tendency to jump from past tense to present. It's best to stay in one tense so as not to confuse.



I like the style and feel of your writing, and I hope you will share more of your work with all of us. Keep up the good writing!

Thanks for sharing,
Ladee *Crab*
6
6
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Anthony!

The first part of your chapter had me believing the action was real danger. I was surprised to find the encounter was Synthia's created simulation. The sham was a smart move on her part. I like Synthia, but after this chapter, I have doubt about her intentions.

My default disclaimer paragraph *BigSmile*

Keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

Pretty awesome stuff right here

This chapter left me with concern. Sylvana has a valid point; she is a clever girl.
What will Synthia do when all goals have been met? She doesn't have a conscience like humans; she is AI. Will she try to annihilate Michael and the crew? Until this point, I've trusted Sylvana, but now I'm left feeling uneasy. This restlessness makes me want to read on to see what Synthia's intentions are.

I liked the visual of the sky being painted red by an explosion. I would almost feel my chest rumbling if you added something more to the eruption like the ground shaking or a thunderous boom: you know, another physical sensation.

Perhaps, just a bit of work

Toward the end of the chapter there were missing words in sentences. At first, I thought it was your way of giving Sylvana diction, but she could speak perfect English in the chapters before this one. Reading further, I realized you were probably in a hurry to get your words on the page.

The first paragraph is a bit awkward. Instead of separating the order of events with periods and 'Then,' the paragraph would be smoother by using commas. We went to a jungle, Going to the jungle doesn't make a bad day unless Michael doesn't like going there. then, we got attacked by aliens, the Demetreus arrived to rescue us, and the ship was attacked as well. As we fought for survival against an unknown enemy, I realized this day was just as crappy as every other day.

In some of your sentences, clutter words could be cut. For instance:

*BookOpen* We found some cover in the ruins...

*BookOpen* I aimed with my pistol and shot a plasma bolt...

*BookOpen* He dropped dead on the ground, then came the rest. We are in the jungle. When he drops dead, we already assume it's on the ground.

*BookOpen* I tried to be polite, but I have to admit,... If you choose to keep 'have to', you may want to change the first word to 'had.' Your story is in past tense.

*BookOpen* ...grabbed his neck and raised him up from the ground. You've already used 'raised.'

Those sentences are a few I'd found. As you edit, scrutinize each sentence and ask yourself, "Do all of the words contained within this sentence need to be there?" Sometimes, whole sentences could come out because we are repeating what we have already said. An example of a sentence that could probably be omitted is:

*BookOpen* Even behind us, which was from our most secure position. The way I see their position is that none are secure. They are exposed at every angle. And, if the enemy comes from every direction, I assumed they'd come in at the back as well.

In the Sylvana's bedroom when she sits up on the bed, you'll need to change 'set' to 'sat.' We set objects in place, but beings sit, or the past tense, sat.

Keep writing and sending your chapters my way. As always, thanks for sharing.

Ladee *Peace*



7
7
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Timothy!


I enjoyed your story. Normally, politics hold no fascination for me, but your tale kept my interest. It was realistic and just the sort of thing that I imagine happens daily.

When I read to see if your story was something I would be able to give you feedback on, I wasn't in review mode. I accepted the request but wondered if I would have anything to say. So, the things that I'm going to point out will only help to make your tale more crisp I believe. Nothing stood out to me so blatantly that I felt a hitch in the flow.

My default disclaimer paragraph *BigSmile*

Keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

Pretty awesome stuff right here

I love the portrayal of the two characters. Each had a distinct personality. You did a wonderful job of supplying visualization of the older man. I really felt like I was there as opposed to just viewing.

Perhaps, just a bit of work

In places, you have added words that don't really need to exist in your tale. They don't take away from your story, but by not being there, the sentences would be sharper.

For instance:

...at the perfectly lined up row of cubicles trying to figure out where... It is common knowledge that bathroom stalls are lined perfectly. There doesn't need to be a comma between cubicles and trying.

It was then when he saw a puff of smoke...

...out of all days...

...think of him as a cancer-ridden...

...crushed the glowing cig with his right foot killing it instantly. You probably don't need this part. I think the reader would assume the cig was out after it had been crushed.

Dudley's face turned pale white.

...laughed in victor and slapped... I know what you are trying to say, but it's kind of awkward.

At times, I saw a mixing of past, present, and future tense. Your story is written in past tense, so it should stay there throughout.

For instance:

Then it was: sustained, upheld, court,...before the day closes at 9pm. 'Closes should be 'closed.'

The pinnacle of his career was.....if elected, is one step closer...The 'is' should be 'was.'

...resonance spills out of him. It would be 'spilled.'

Those are three places I was the mixed tense happening. There are a couple of others. If you read carefully, you will find them.


Now, for the nit pickies

*Smile* At that point Dudley.... There should be a comma between 'point' and 'Dudley.'

*Smile* For starters the train to D.C. was late. At the end of the sentence before this one, you use the word 'start.' Two words later you use it again even though it is in a different form. Sometimes, that can't be helped, but I think our stories are more interesting when we use synonyms; it's more engaging. Perhaps you could use 'To begin with.'

I would also like to point out the punctuation rule as with the last one. You didn't begin the sentence with the subject, so there would be a comma after starters.

*Smile* With a ghastly face and body-covering frecles and solar lentigines, It would be a little smoother to word this differently. "...face and body covered in freckles and solar lentigines."

*Smile* ...blue waters for hours at a time.

*Smile* He was an honest, family man alright. There doesn't need to be a comma in this sentence. You would never say "...family, honest man." It could only ever make sense written as "family man." Therefore, if there is another descriptive word preceding, as is the case, there need not be a comma.

*Smile* 'How'd' is the contraction of 'how did' or 'how would.' I do believe you are trying to say 'how do.'

*Smile* Carter never told you didn't did he?

*Smile* Elbright's words took brought Tom back into present time.

I know it seems like I had a lot to say, but I don't think the things I pointed out are that much of a sore as to make your story lack a smooth flow. I quite enjoyed reading despite the fact I don't care for politics. I hope you were able to get something out of what I've shared with you. Thank you so much for giving me the chance to read.

Write On!
Ladee *Peace*
8
8
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Anthony!

I love the idea of a philosophical chapter. Although, I had a hard time following the time travel conversation. If I were with them, I would be able to ask the questions I needed to in order to comprehend. Despite the fact that I was only vaguely getting the idea, I did find it a nice cooled down chapter.

I'd like to address what you said in your author's note. I don't often point out dialogue mistakes unless there is truly an error. If all of the writing is like the dialogue, and I see something that needs attention, I will then mention it. But, a bit of accent or other language during conversation gives realism to a story I think. With that being said, you have to be mindful not to go overboard so that the reader can still understand what is being talked about.

My default disclaimer paragraph *BigSmile*

Keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

Pretty awesome stuff right here

I'm feeling a little anxious about this meeting with Ganath. They are willing to confront the Ganath species. That couldn't possibly bode well for them.

Perhaps, just a bit of work

What I noticed most this time was the number of commas used. There were more than necessary. Most of them were inserted as if two sentences were joined. For instance: I nodded, and started to walk towards my new destination. 'started to walk towards my new destination' doesn't make sense alone. It needs the first part of the sentence. Therefore, there would be no comma.

There was another confusing part for me. The first sentence of your story says, "After six weeks of reconstruction..." It sounded as if it had taken Michael six weeks to get reconstructed. But, you say, "Her reconstruction was due today." You are talking about Sylvana in the first sentence? Also, the first sentence implies it has taken six months to become whole again. Whereas, the second one says it's getting ready to happen. Do you mean it was due to be completed today?



Now, for the nit pickies

*Martian* In the first five sentences, there were variations of the same term: gets out of bed; getting out of bed; got out of bed. Perhaps you could use different ways of saying the same thing. One of them might be 'pulled the covers back and stood' or something along that line.

*Martian* He wouldn't confess it unless something happened: something bad. Instead of a period, there should be a colon because it is really an extension of the happening.

I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help with this one. I tried to visualize what Sylvana was saying, but I got lost no matter how many times I read it. I suppose if I knew a little more about time travel I would have been able to follow better.

As always, thanks for sharing, Anthony. I'll be waiting for the next chapter.

Write On
Ladee *Peace*

9
9
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Anthony!

Yet another near perfect chapter. Nice work.

My default disclaimer paragraph *BigSmile*

Keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

Pretty awesome stuff right here

Ah, I wasn't expecting Mr. Wrong to be the person Michael came face to face with. I thought for sure it was the love of his life. At least Mr. Wrong got what he deserved. Well, one of the hims. *BigSmile* (That was a Julianna word.)

The philosophy of Sylvana and her people was clever. I think I would choose war over sitting in front of a computer all day. Okay, so I sit in front of my computer almost all day most days, but if all I had was this, it would be very lonely indeed. If my only other option was to wage war, I might just go find me an enemy.

Now, for the nit pickies

*Fox* ...the shield protected me from the blast,

*Fox* The explosion ripped Mr. Wrong into a dozen pieces, scattering them along the burnt floor. I hadn't thought about the floor being burnt, but yeah, it would be, and you drew my attention to it making the scene come to life.

*Fox* I couldn't get my head around how did it happen. "how it happened." What you have sounds like dialogue, but it isn't written like dialogue.

*Fox* ...,but pulling it out would still mean a serious bleeding.

*Fox* Once I was done with it, the barrel...

*Fox* I pushed the barrel of the gun into the bleeding wound... Clever!

*Fox* As I started to look for some stairs,...

*Fox* I turned around as fast as it was possible,...

*Fox* ...raven-haired woman served with quite a shock.

*Fox* I thought she would put an arrow in me as soon as she got a chance.

*Fox* Hundreds could have lived in this floor before,...

*Fox* ...determined to get some answers.

*Fox* Sylvana led the way in silence, Also, there doesn't need to be a comma since the second part of the sentence depends on the first part for the subject: the subject being Sylvana.

*Fox* The visual of the skeleton sitting in front of the computer was pretty cool.

*Fox* The more I knew, my task became more difficult. I think the sentence would sound better like: The more I knew the more difficult my task became. OR My task became more difficult the more I knew.

*Fox* ...she realized the stupidity of her beliefs.

*Fox* Some sad, some happy; I was sad before, so I choose to be happy.

*Fox* I might have lacked her almighty intellect, but I didn't have good...

*Fox* He acted as I ordered him to do so,...

*Fox* Plasma bolts struck her in the next moment,...

*Fox* ..., yet I was angrier than ever. 'Then' is used for telling the future. He ran then jumped in to the pool. 'Than' is a description or comparison.

Well done, Anthony! Can't wait to read the next chapter. I need to see what is going to happen.

Write on!
Ladee Caid *Peace*
10
10
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Anthony!

This chapter is my favorite so far. I got a good dose of explanation. I don't think I ever wondered about the ins, outs, and repercussions of time travel in your story, but I'm glad you explained it. Somehow, the story feels whole to me now. Does that make sense? Let me see if I can say it in another way. You move into a house. You like it, you're proud of it, and you have your things in it. It feels like your house, but it doesn't feel like home until you've put all of your things away and seen every nook and cranny. You've gotten to know the house well enough and now you are ready to live out the rest of your life. Same feeling with the story.

My default disclaimer paragraph *BigSmile*

Keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

Pretty awesome stuff right here

I love that first paragraph. No man's space is a nice spot for privacy. It's explained very well: a space outside of known reality. Yeah, how could one know what was being said unless they were in the same reality. The walls have ears except here.

Perhaps, just a bit of work

I really didn't see anything that was notable here: no over all something. There were little things like missed words and whatnot, but those will go below.

Now, for the nit pickies

*Sheriff* ,this was a decision later on in the story.

*Sheriff* I will have a tracker in me,

*Sheriff* once I'm dead, you get down with the another copy. This would be 'with another copy' or 'with the other copy.'

*Sheriff* ,but all you have to do is get to my dead body, and get the sample out of my hand.

*Sheriff* "That would work for you wouldn't it?"

*Sheriff* "Wouldn't it be simpler to take another shot...

*Sheriff* ,but I always thought, Synthia handled these situations better than I did. There is no need for a comma before Synthia.

*Sheriff* I don't need to explain the consequences further, do I?

*Sheriff* they did this to their universe. Universe doesn't need to be capitalized in your sentence. It isn't a proper name of a thing. It's general. Like, you are a writer. The writer's name is Anthony.

*Sheriff* "One time-jump and one change is all what we do.

*Sheriff* I have never been to a planetwide city before; too bad no comma Deylon wasn't among....

*Sheriff* ; green plants grew on their wholes,... I don't quite understand where the plants are growing. Are they growing through the holes of the building? Or, were the plants allowed to grow whole without being pruned?

*Sheriff* The lower half was in a better shape.

*Sheriff* I didn't want to collapse the whole level with getting the ship down there.

*Sheriff* I took some steps forward, then I felt a sudden short pain in my leg. This is kind of wordy. If you took words out, it would be smoother. I stepped forward then felt a sudden, short pain in my leg. If you want to keep the sentence the way it is, take out the comma OR change then to and.

*Sheriff* The arrow got had caught me for by surprise.

"Missed me?" What? I hope you are busy writing the next chapter because I need to know who is being missed. Don't rush yourself, but yeah. Nice cliff hanger.

I quite enjoyed reading your story so far, and I'm looking forward to the next. Great job, Anthony!

Write On,

*Peace* Ladee
11
11
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Mrs. MontyB!

I picked up your story through Read & Review. I enjoyed reading your flash of the twin sisters. Because there are so many nice things about the read, it helped my understanding of what my own writing could look like. Some rules aren't steadfast but rather tricks and tweaks. Those are the things I like to absorb.

Pretty awesome stuff right here

You didn't tell me the sisters were twins, but then again, you did. The word twin is nowhere in the tale, but because they were sisters that others couldn't tell apart, I knew they shared the same birthday.

If I hadn't read the title, I'd still know the girls were crashing a wedding reception. You didn't tell me that, but then again, you did.

I loved the distinct difference between the two personalities. One was outgoing and optimistic, and the other was shy and nervous.

I liked how you described Tracy's anxiety with the soured milk. I have a bottle of Tums if she needs one.

Perhaps, just a bit of work

I could find nothing I'd change except maybe a comma after "Kiss me like that,". However, that is hardly worth mentioning, for your story was perfect.

I'm glad I'd come across your tale. It was truly a pleasure to read.

Write On!
*Peace* Ladee
12
12
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello Anthony!

This chapter was different than the others while remaining true to the story. It was a pleasure to read.

My default disclaimer paragraph *BigSmile*

Keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

Pretty awesome stuff right here

There is a new character. That is awesome. I'm wondering about him though. He seems like a nice enough guy, but he doesn't seem very brave. Well, not as brave as the protagonist anyway. What does that mean? Will he be helpful or harmful? Is he a true friend? It seems as though he is since our main guy has dealt with him in the past. But, why did he stay back a bit? Hmmm. I guess I'll have to wait to see what you have planned. Exciting.

The way you ended this chapter was nice I thought. It will definitely carry us into the next one. If left us with a knowing the story goes on, and we want to know what it is.

Perhaps, just a bit of work

Toward the end of your story, some of your paragraphs didn't get spaced.

I'm pretty sure with a bit more self editing, you would find a lot of the things I'm pointing out. I'd found a few words you typed in twice, misspelling, and omitted words. I'll point out a couple, but they will be easy for you to spot as you reread your story.

I saw a lot of mixed past, present, and future tense. Be careful. I'll point out some.

Now, for the nit pickies

*Watch* ...I had nothing else to do, then getting... You don't need a comma.

*Watch* ...and watch the horizon as the auto-pilot got me... Here is a typo. I know you know the correct spelling because you write use it later on. Just pointing it out for you.

*Watch* Dust ball is two words.

*Watch* 'Com' would be short for intercom. It would only need one 'm.'

*Watch* And the woman's shaking voice confirmed it all.

*Watch* Originally the bomb would blow... 'Would blow' is future. You are speaking of something in the past. The word would be 'blew.'

*Watch* ...shooting their ships down right when they... You've used 'right' a few times in this chapter. I don't think they are needed anywhere you used them. Have a look. If you see one, take it out and see if the sentence still makes sense.

*Watch* I wouldn't be surprised, if Mr. Wrong didn't... There is no need for a comma.

*Watch* Good te hear your voice, buddy! Do you mean 'to,' or are you writing like he is speaking? You haven't written in the lazy way we tend to talk, so I'm not sure.

*Watch* We painted most buildings in that color.

*Watch* Some buildings were cleaned from time to time; it looks like the Dome was scrubbed clean...

*Watch* We didn't dare to shoot the building into to pieces; that would be the end of...

*Watch* It was a bit warmer than I thought... 'Then' is used in reference to time where as 'than' is used in reference to comparison. We will go over there then to the store. She is bigger than the last time I saw her.

*Watch* I don't quite understand this sentence: The tall, white Dome got some bright into the cruel, gray atmosphere. Do you mean the Dome looked bright in the cruel, gray atmosphere?

*Watch* Rush was standing right in front of the the ramp. Instead of using 'was standing', 'stood' would be a better word choice.

*Watch* He was shorter than me... I'm pretty sure this is just a typo.

*Watch* I was not sure how they would get in through...


*Watch* Don't dare to follow us before we give the all clear.

*Watch* I found the entrance to be surprisingly slim... How would he know why it was built that way? Or, is Rush saying it? In that case, you will need quotation marks.

What is meant by: who would have known, we will have to take it back some day? I'm not sure about this sentence. I would also like to point out that you are using both past and future tense. That adds to the confusion.

*Watch* ...infrared goggles for these kinds of situations.

*Watch* But I didn't see a single enemy soldiers. I don't think it's necessary, but I'd connect this sentence to the last one with a comma and small 'b' on 'but.' I think it would flow better, but that is merely my opinion. Use your own judgement. However, I do want to note that you talk of a single soldier. There wouldn't be an 's' on the end of soldier.

*Watch* ...with the gun in my hand, and started to walk straight through the corridor. You wouldn't need the comma. The second part of the sentence depends on the first part for the subject.

*Watch* I didn't get blind from the heat,... I wasn't blinded from the heat,... sounds a bit better.

*Watch* Its molten places turned bright half of the corridor. It would sound better if bright were at the end.

*Watch* I crossed my eyebrows. I'm not sure what this looks like. Is it like a scrunched brow? I've not heard this expression before.

*Watch* ...I have explained him everything. It would sound better to say 'explained everything to him.'

Thanks so much for sharing the next chapter of "The Ghost of Time." I like how this one was left. I like the others as well, but this one leaves the story open for more. Nice job, Anthony.

As always, a lot of the things I've pointed out are things I myself do in my own writing. If I've just written it, no matter the number of times I reread it, my eyes will skip over the issues.

Thanks again.
See you next time.
Write On,

*Peace* Ladee



13
13
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Derek!


Thank you so much for giving me the chance to review your story. Had you not requested it, I may never have gotten the chance to read your words.

My default disclaimer paragraph *BigSmile*

Keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

Pretty awesome stuff right here

Well, that was a cool unexpected ending. I’ve seen this sort of thing before, but I did not see it coming in your tale. A couple of times I’d wondered if everyone in the family was dead, but that is the closest I’d come to seeing the path I was being lead down. I’d dismissed the notion that everyone had parished a little over half way through. Kudos for shocking me, Derek.

There were sentences I’d read that made your story believable. For instance: …once in the web of the web of the hand and…. This was an insignificant detail that was important to making the story come alive for me. Not just in the hand but the web of it. Very nice.

I also liked …long legs hanging way past the end of the gurney. If you would have said Julian was lying on the gurney, it would have been dull. I don’t think I would have noticed it was, but by describing what he looked like lying there, not just the line I pointed out but the whole of it, I was sucked inside the ambulance.

Perhaps, just a bit of work

In two or three places, the story jumped from present to past tense. For instance: But Julian is still going to die, and I am holding the keys to his life. This sentence is in present tense with the usage of the word ‘is.’ The very next sentence is in past tense. He needed to be told and I was the only soul who knew what to say. ‘Knew’ is past tense. To keep from causing confusion, the story should stay in the same time period.

Another spot where the past and present are mixed is: He is all that I had and I am going to miss Julian very much. The word ‘had’ is past and ‘am going’ is present.

Now, for the nit pickies

*BeakerB* I can even see them wheeling it onto the stage. In order for ‘even’ to make sense in this sentence you would have had to mention seeing something being brought out or have talked about the other activities the individuals were doing. Like: I watch them preparing the lectern and moving chairs. I can even see them wheeling ….


*BeakerB* I ask what’s inside but he doesn’t answer. There should be a comma after ‘inside.’ You are connecting two independent sentences with the word ‘but.’ If you put a period after ‘inside’ and took out the word ‘but,’ the first part of the sentence and the second part could stand alone. I’ve seen this in a few places. If you take a look at your story, anywhere you see the conjunctions: and, but, or, nor, for, yet, so, see if they are connecting two sentences. If they are, use a comma before the conjunction.

*BeakerB*He’s nervous, I can tell because his palms are…. These two sentences are complete; they could stand on their own, but they don’t need the huge pause a period makes. In this case, you would use a semi-colon as I have done in my first sentence.

*BeakerB*I have to take you back to a few days ago, You don’t need ‘to’ and ‘ago’. When you tell us you are taking us back, we know it was ‘ago.’

*BeakerB*It was a wonderful show, (comma) and we were still excited walking through the lobby (no comma) eating from our big bucket of popcorn when shots rang out. The second part of the sentence is unclear. Were the characters full of excitement from the show, or did they find walking through the lobby exciting?

*BeakerB*I know it sounds childish, but when you’ve never heard… Perhaps you could reword this sentence. This indicates you are getting ready to tell us why it sounds childish, but you don’t explain.

*BeakerB*…, but she hung them up there anyway. The sentence before tells us where she is hanging them.

*BeakerB*Julian came to calm me down while mother thought it was rather funny. How do she know the mother thought it was funny?

*BeakerB*There was blood on me too, but it was most likely his and I did not fancy being an orphan at thirteen years old. The second part of this sentence doesn’t really fit. The whole paragraph is talking about the father’s condition. This last part has nothing to do with his condition; it is her condition. In the beginning of the paragraph, the daughter is talking about how she is keeping the father’s soul from leaving; perhaps you could make this sentence its own, but tie it to the beginning of the paragraph. Reiterate that she is keeping him and not wanting to be an orphan is the reason. If you keep the sentence the way it is, you will need a comma before ‘and.’

*BeakerB*His eyeballs roamed under his lids. I love these visuals. I could totally see what was happening.

*BeakerB* Humor

*BeakerB*I saw that look not two summer’s ago. ‘summers’ isn’t possessive, so there is no need for an apostrophe.

*BeakerB*loads of people started to get…. The ‘l’ in ‘loads’ needs to be capitalized.

*BeakerB*Although my father Julian is a…. The father’s name should be encased in commas. She has only one father. His name isn’t important for clarification.

*BeakerB* The same as above holds true for the mother, Delores.

*BeakerB*I had to teach myself how to cook using those same noisy pots, overtime. The sentence would sound better if ‘overtime’ was after ‘cook.’ As it is, 'overtime' is just kind of hanging there.

*BeakerB* Odor

*BeakerB* Pretense

*BeakerB* I've not heard of Princess Jewelers, but it seems to be a game. Because it is a name of something, it doesn't need to be in single quotation marks but does need to be capitalized.

*BeakerB* I craned my neck and saw the upturned shoes of the fat tailor, (no comma) sticking out from under the closed curtain, laying on the floor. You could omit ‘laying on the floor.’ It sounds as if the closed curtain is laying on the floor. Aside from that, you told us the tailor is laying on the floor with his upturned shoes.

*BeakerB*Being outside, (no comma) it was harder...

Everything I have pointed out, I myself do in my own stories. Often, I've read my own words so much I keep skipping over the very sore that blares at another. I hope I've given you something you could work with even if it's but one morsel.

I enjoyed your tale very much. Like I said above, there was a surprise that tickled my brain. I thank you for sharing.

Write On!
*Peace* Ladee
14
14
Review of My WdC Story  
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Natalia!

I'm so happy WDC has been such a positive experience for you. I'm also glad you decided to write for this challenge and share your story. What you've said will encourage others. I know because it has helped me in determining whether I should go further with my writing. I'm wishy-washy with my decision; I get determined then deflate myself like a balloon that hasn't been knotted. You were talking about your venture, but I'm always looking for signs to tell me it's okay to proceed. How many times will I have to see 'yes' before I focus on it.

"Where writers go to write" did it for me too. I don't know if the creators knew the impact that sentence would have, but it caused me to choose this site over others too, and I'm glad I did.

While reading your story, I noticed areas that could be spruced to make your words flow better. They were words such as:


*Books1* She spent most of her free time watching television...

*Books1* There was one thing that just stuck out... That is an added word that doesn't need to be there in order to get your meaning across. We all add words that bog our writing down. If you read my writing, you will see I do it. I've even found them in published writings.

*Books1* Some were good, others were bad. While some were very useful, others were still useless. What you are saying by using 'still' is that the reviewer attempted to give you a meaningful review but failed. The reviewer tried a again but was still lacking.

*Books1* ...she always checks her emails daily.

Thank you for sharing your story, Natalia. I hope I've given you something that will help. If you disagree with anything I've said, that's cool. This is your story to tell, and I'm glad to have read it.

Write on,
*Peace* Ladee
15
15
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Anthony!

As always, nice job. I enjoy reading the adventures of Michael. I’m hoping one day he will succeed; he will get the girl and save the world. Well, I would be content with a happily ever after with the love of his life.

My default disclaimer paragraph *BigSmile*

Keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

Pretty awesome stuff right here

My favorite part of this chapter is the forest. I love trees. I felt bad for the monkeys. That was their home, and others barged in and wiped them out. I know it happens, but it’s just not right. And, the perpetrators couldn’t even do it themselves. These nasty people need to be dealt with.

I felt bad for Sylvana as well. This race seems to have no morals. They invade and take what and who they want by making others do the dirty work while they sit safely behind the controls. Despicable!


Perhaps, just a bit of work

I was thinking; I’ve been reading these chapters as if they were separate stories, but they are in fact chapters of a book you’re creating. Isn’t that right? Each chapter is well done, but they are so very similar. As of yet, I’m not a novelist, nor do I know if I’ll ever be one, but I’m thinking there should be something different between these outings, or maybe more to each foray that would create other chapters.


Now, for the nit pickies

*Fox* The issue that stood out the most to me this time was commas that should be semicolons or periods. A semicolon is two complete sentences connected with a (;) that really need to go together. Example: “I don’t know why she colored her hair black; it really needs to be brown.” I could have used a period, but I didn’t want quite that big of a pause. Or this one: It was a rather cozy place; the MI allowed me to have anything I wanted in here. Read through your tale. If you find a comma, see if the two parts of the sentence could each be sentences by themselves.

Now, if you have connected them with and, for, nor, but, or, yet, so, that is different. They would then use the comma before one of the mentioned conjunctions. But, it seems you know about those. I don’t know if that is the sort of advice you are looking for, but there you go.

*Fox* The visual I get is of a nightstand with its drawer open and a picture standing in the drawer. Is that correct? It isn’t anything that needs fixed, just different, and I’m not sure if that is what you intended. It’s kind of cool though. The more I think about it, the more I could see someone using the drawer in such a manner.

*Fox* Next time I had to be more careful, if I wanted to know more about this subject. There doesn’t need to be a comma.

*Fox* Something happened in that place, a terrible thing that… Here enters in the colon (:) instead of a comma. A colon is used when you want to elaborate on what you’ve said ‘as if to say.’ Or, it could be a series of things after a sentence. For example: “I have many kinds of paint: oil, water color, gauche, and acrylic.”

*Fox* I looked out the window, watching the red emptiness… There doesn’t need to be a comma.

*Fox* Pronouns such as it (and all pronouns) don’t get an apostrophe when it possesses something. “The board had nails pounded in its surface.” It’s = it is. You’re = you are. They’re = they are.

*Fox* …came from the end of the forest, at the foot of the mountain. It doesn’t need a comma.

*Fox* There was no way, that every living being felt okay about this. It doesn’t need a comma.

*Fox* But then why didn’t they run away?

*Fox* I froze when I realized what I did just saw. This sentence is a little awkward. If you were to take out ‘did just’, it would sound perfect.

*Fox* She wore black clothes, torn by the …. No need for comma.

*Fox* …aiming at my face.

*Fox* I struck back as hard as I could; my…

*Fox* My experience is that wind, no matter the strength, doesn’t blow a forest fire out; it just helps it spread. Fire fighters control a blaze by starting another fire so that when one meets the other it burns itself out. Another way is to dig a trench or drop water from a plane to help contain it. It’s fascinating. Often, to keep forest fires from happening, they will start forest fires, but they are in control of the ones they start.


I hope I’ve given you something to think about. You write very well, and I’m having to resort to punctuation errors in order to feel as though I’ve given you a decent review. Thanks so much for sharing, Anthony. I quite enjoy reading your chapters.

The 3000 were characters, not words. *Bigsmile*

Write On,
*Peace* Ladee
16
16
Review of Gate 11A  
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Blake!

The first time through your story, I didn't get it. I'm not a drinker and haven't been intoxicated since the early 90's. At some point toward the end of your tale, I had the aha moment, so I reread.

During the second read, I compared the scenes to a friend of ours. He is a chronic alcoholic. Although I don't know what it's like from his side of things, I have noticed the delayed thought process. His brow will furrow, his eyes will roll around like the answer is contained somewhere in the room, and his head sways ever so slightly.

My default disclaimer paragraph *BigSmile*

Keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

Pretty awesome stuff right here

My favorite part was Paul toiling over the letters to make sure he had the correct bathroom. It was a physical aspect of his condition, and the sort of thing I'd seen before: a sloshed mind trying desperately to make sense of symbols they'd learned so many years ago. I could relate.

He seemed to feel fond of his mother because he'd mentioned her a couple of times regarding things she had taught him. That endeared the character to me. I felt a bit sorry for Paul at that moment even though there was nothing to make me feel that way.

Perhaps, just a bit of work

The eyes of so many looked in his direction, but they always seemed to be looking at something else. Does this mean they aren't looking at the him inside rather the drunken shell of Paul?

I don't know if this is something that needs work, or I'm just not understanding. I don't completely understand who the person is that sold him the bagel? Was it a police officer, and he gave him his own bagel? No, he would have been arrested right then. I don't know who this person is because at the jailhouse he is a cop? He called Paul son. Is it his father? Probably just a term. Paul recognizes the blue eyes. Does he just think he knows this person? I'm just confused here. Maybe it's just me. I'm glad Paul is being taken care of though. That left me with a good feeling.

I've noticed the usage of the same words a few times. For instance: His shaking hand nervously screwed the bright yellow cap back on the bottle. The contents within the bottle made him question the stupidest of things. I'm of the belief one should try to use as few repetitious words as possible. It makes the visuals more intriguing. Perhaps it's just what I like, but I wanted to mention it.


Now, for the nit pickies

*Bottle2* Sitting depressingly by himself... What does this look like?

*Bottle2* Sometimes we add words that aren't necessary. We love to do that. I do it. Many books I've read do it. It happens. Although they don't hurt the story, the sentence would sound more crisp without them. For instance: His legs sometimes failed him though. This sentence would survive quite well without the word on the end. The ends of sentences are where we tend to dangle these extras.

*Bottle2* Thoughts are internal dialogue, so you would treat them as though they are the spoken word with quotation marks. Some prefer to italicize. Here is an example of both: "Stupid bottle," he thought. "Why am I always holding a bottle?" OR Stupid bottle. Why am I always holding a bottle?

*Bottle2* A rough shove came from an unknown bearded man. 'Unknown' really isn't needed. We know Paul doesn't know him because he wasn't called the guy. He was called a guy. Well, you have used 'an' because the next word starts with a vowel...blah, blah, blah, never mind. But yeah, 'unknown' is just repeating what 'a' has already told us.

*Bottle2* All curiously staring at Paul. 'Curiously' could come out. We know the crowd is curious because the are staring.

*Bottle2* Just wondering: The workers were always different for some reason though. Is this because he is always sauced and doesn't remember?

*Bottle2* Angry Birds and Fruit Ninja are the name of something, so they should be capitalized. I've played Angry Birds. Fun! I've never heard of Fruit Ninja. I'll have to look into that.

*Bottle2* Fear engulfed the face of Paul. What does that look like? How would we know he was afraid if we looked at him?

*Bottle2* You have forgotten the 'h' in whimper.

*Bottle2* ...while his eyes burned from tears starting to pour down. 'Down' is one of those added words. You wouldn't need to tell us the direction in which they poured unless it was up. That would be unusual, and we would need to know.

*Bottle2* It's clear that you have extreme cases of... Eep! How many cases does one get? Just kidding. I know it's a typo. Thought I would point it out.

I'm glad I got to read your story. It gave me an insight into what my friend experiences. I'm glad you wrote it; thank you much for sharing. I hope to see more of your work.

Write On!
*Peace* Ladee

17
17
Review of Reap of Sowing  
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Anthony!

Thank you for the opportunity to review your story. Every tale read and reviewed gives me a chance to learn as well as help, and for that, I am grateful.

My default disclaimer paragraph *BigSmile*

Keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

Pretty awesome stuff right here

Your story drew me in, so I felt as though I were standing in the middle of the scenes watching them play out. There was the right amount of description to pull me there but not so much that I felt I was being micro-managed. I liked what I saw. It had a good feeling to me. I'm not talking about Birsha being tormented, I'm talking about your style. It feels soft and fanciful all the while of telling a tale of terror. It's a pretty cool combo.


Perhaps, just a bit of work

What I would have liked is to see a bit more of the characters. I would have liked to get to know them better. How were they feeling? When you say Birsha was overwhelmed, what does that mean? It means he was feeling..... Why was he screaming? I mean, I know why he was, but I want to experience it with him. What was he feeling to make him scream?

At the end when Chayna was being flung into the swarm, what happened to her? Did she get eaten alive? Did some magical barrier protect her?

I feel like there is more to the story. What happens to Birsha? To everyone for that matter. Well, not the bullies. It was quite clear they were 86'd. (Wow, that term hasn't popped into my head in forever. I just love the old cliches; in moderation of course.)

Now, for the nit pickies

*Spider* They both laugh (together in unison)... The part between the parentheses is extra fluff and could be taken out. To say they both laughed is enough to tell us they laughed together and in unison.

*Spider* ...but Richy seems clueless as he issearches? for a snarky comeback.

*Spider* My foot cracks a branch causing Richy and Damien to stop in their tracks. I'm not going to point out commas unless it is part of the sentence I'm already talking about. This sentence doesn't need one.


*Spider* ...renascence comes hysterically from my lips.

*Spider* ...inflamed pentagram emerges upon my hands.


This is a very good start to a great tale of retribution. There are a couple of lessons to be learned for these characters: Bullying is never a good idea, and revenge is only a temporary fix. In Birsha's case, he didn't even get a chance at it. And oh yeah, learn to think for yourself or else you will be forever under another's rule. Keep writing and telling your tales. It's very important for us to exercise and hone our creativity.

Thanks for sharing, Anthony.
Write On!
Ladee *Peace*
18
18
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Again Anthony!

Thank you so much for sharing the continuation of your story with me and asking my thoughts. I'm glad the first review helped, and I'm hoping this will do the same. Before I start, I would once again like to present you with:

My default disclaimer paragraph *Delight**BigSmile*

Keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

Pretty awesome stuff right here

I liked how the chapter started with Michael watching his ship being built. It was quite easy to picture the peaceful atmosphere of the mechanical robots piecing together the metal components. It was clear that Michael was anxious to be in it.

The chapter turned into a fast paced Michael invasion. I wondered how he was going to get to the bomb with all of the opposition. Quite clever.

You have quite the imagination.

Just a bit of work perhaps

What would really make this story pop is more showing of what is going on. For instance you wrote: She scared me a little, I didn't know she was standing beside me. You are telling us he is scared, but did he jump, jolt, spill his coffee? Okay, maybe he wasn't drinking coffee. *BigSmile*

During the fight scenes maybe there was there the sound of sizzling, the smell of hot metal, something that introduces one or more of the five senses.

Now, for the nit pickies

*Bomb* There are a few places the space between paragraphs didn't quite make it. That happens to me when I copy/paste a story. There are no spaces at all, and I have to go through and put them in. I always miss one or two and have to edit again.

*Bomb* I was sitting there all day, watching the repair... There is no need for a comma here.

*Bomb* "Maybe," I nodded, "why didn't you do the job, while my body... There are two things here. First, you don't need a comma after job. Second, on your story, the quotation marks before 'why' are at the bottom as if they were two commas together. How did that happen? When I tried to put two commas together, they looked like two commas together. Yours looks like the quotation marks came unglued. *Delight*

*Bomb* When a noun possesses something like; the boy's bike, the color's hue, the window's view, etc., an apostrophe is used before the s. This is not so with pronouns. It's means it is. To make its possessive, you would ditch the apostrophe. You're = you are. They're = they are, etc. If you read through your chapter, you will find a few spots where it's is used possessively.

*Bomb* I remembered the reports I knew all about the casualties... I'm wondering if you wrote the sentence one way then decided it would be better another, or forgot the comma and the word 'so'. Either way, if you took out 'I knew all,' the sentence would make perfect sense and be more crisp.

*Bomb* Lasers is spelled with an 's'.

*Bomb* I couldn't help but look at all the Japanese starships filling it... Japanese needs capitalized. I was just going to make the 'J' orange, but I didn't know if it would be noticeable.

*Bomb* The first laser bolts scratched the duranium plates... Do you mean uranium? Or are you inventing a new kind of metal. If so, you may want to explain that.

*Bomb* ..., I couldn't even see through... Your writing in past tense, but 'see' is present tense. ...I couldn't even have seen through...

*Bomb* Or I could go towards the rear part of the vessel, getting to the black-hole bomb, and kill everyone on the ship.

*Bomb* Present tense verses past: ...and started shooting with everything I had.

*Bomb* I had nothing else to do other than put down... I nixed the comma after 'do', turned 'then' into 'than', and took out 'to' before 'put'. The word 'then' talks about time. The word 'than' is used as a comparison.

*Bomb* ...a hole in his skull with a well-aimed...

*Bomb* ...the tall, bold, well-built man...

*Bomb* Yep just has one 'p'.

*Bomb* They shot back with everything they had;.. The past/present tense thing.

*Bomb* Would I live again, or would Synthia abandon....

As I said before, I'm impressed with your English. You do quite well. Anything I have pointed out, I have to watch in my own writing sometimes, and I've been perfecting the language all my life. Thank you for sharing, Anthony.

Write on,
Ladee *Peace*
19
19
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Covenant914!


My default disclaimer paragraph *BigSmile*

Please keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

Wesley seems to be having a rough time. He seems like a nice guy, but maybe a bit cranky. I can understand. Pain, lack of sleep, and the trauma he endured would make anyone grouchy. I say he seems grumpy because he is upset that everything seems normal when he isn't feeling it. When the secretary doesn't act like herself, he gets perturbed. There seems to be no winning with the guy.

Pretty awesome stuff right here

There is something I like about your story. It seems sunny, even though there are horrible things that have happened. I think Agatha Christie had a knack for that. Her stories were always quaint and cheerful, even though someone was murdered. I guess it must have been her personality showing through? Perhaps, that is what it is with you.

I would also like to note that I think you do well with dialogue. The conversations seemed realistic.

Perhaps, just a bit of work

As with all work, there is room for improvement. The biggest thing that stood out to me was the overuse of words. For example: ...but he definitely needed counseling. If this had happened during the school year, there would be counselors descending on the school to offer grief counseling. The word counseling was used three different times in different forms in two sentences. The more times a word is used the more dull the story becomes. Perhaps you could look in a thesaurus to find different words that mean the same. If you look through your first two chapters, you will find other areas like this as well.

The second most prominent thing I noticed was the sentences that started with 'And'. It renders the sentence incomplete even if it wouldn't be so without it. Using short incomplete sentences is okay in moderation. I use it as like an after thought. For example: The shower was adventure enough. And, I plan to take some time off. It's as if he is telling Susie bath time was rough. As an after thought he's like; "And oh yeah, I'll be taking some time off." A lot of your sentences that start with 'and' could be combined so that 'and' becomes a conjunction.

The last thing I would like to point out is internal dialogue. Some use the old method: "Two people died yesterday in a room called a 'sanctuary," he thought. Some use the newer version: Two people died yesterday in a room called a 'sanctuary.' Either way would let the reader know the person is thinking.


Thank you for sharing your story, Covenant914. I hope I've given you something to work with: something you will be able to use. Keep writing and editing. TIP: So as not to overburden myself, to learn grammar and punctuation (because I really needed help a couple of years ago and am still learning), I looked up one rule and applied it to my writing until I felt I had it down before choosing another.

Have a wonderful day,
Write on,
Ladee *Peace*
20
20
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello Anthony!

I am pleased you asked for a review. I was excited to start and tried to be as detailed as I could.

My default disclaimer paragraph *BigSmile*

Keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

Pretty awesome stuff right here

I love the first line. It's a hooker and tells me right away there is going to be love involved. Of course, I read it in the description, but if I hadn't...just saying. This first catchy line also indicates I'm about to read something adventurous where a life is on the line.

It was a bit of a twist toward the end. At first, I was feeling a bit of despair. How could he go on if the love of his life has died. Then, I understood he'd played out the same scenario several times. I'm so glad she isn't lost forever. And, I have hopes Michael will be triumphant at some point. I had wondered how he knew where she was being held.

Perhaps, just a bit of work

At first, I thought the main character was a woman because in the description you wrote ...tries to save her love... The first place that make me wonder what gender this character was, was when you used the term 'madman.' I was confused for a few more lines until Sylvana calls him Michael. In the description, you may want to use the pronoun 'he' instead of 'she.'

I have an exclamation and then a question. I just want to say: Eww, he'd been laying in blue, stinking liquid. That makes me want to bathe. If he'd been laying in it, how did he smell it after he fell out of it? You know how odors are; you're around them so long you no longer smell them. He wasn't just around it; he was immersed in it.

There was only a few words that were off at the beginning of the story that showed you were trying to write in a language not your own. The closer I got to the end the more it became evident. There needs to be a bit more editing with the latter part of the tale. I've pointed out a few in the next section, but not all. Mostly what I saw was mixing past tense with present. For instance, your story is in past tense, but you wrote I love her more than life. instead of I loved her more than life.


Now, for the nit picks

*Mouse* The fact is, I didn't know her for such a long time. This is a little awkward to me. Instead of not meeting her until after the war began, it comes across like there was a period of time when the main character didn't know Sylvana: like there were years of not knowing her instead of never having met her. If that section were omitted, I think it would read a little better. The fact is, I only met her after the war broke out.

*Mouse* ...Takeda attacked her homeworld, and destroyed pretty much... You don't need a comma here. 'And' is a conjunction and needs a comma before it when it joins two independent sentences together. If you say to the next person you see, "Destroyed pretty much everything on it." They will want to know who or what did this. Since that sentence doesn't have its own subject, it must rely on the first part of the sentence for it. Therefor, 'and' is not a conjunction in this sentence. No comma required.

*Mouse* In explaining how the two characters went from rivals to working together, you say the war went sideways. I get the gist of what your saying, but to use sideways is a bit quirky or uncomfortable. I suppose it's just me, but I'm not getting the true meaning, the true feeling or understanding, of just how the war went. I only know the war was not what it started out to be. I could live with that knowledge and read on, but it gave me pause and disrupted my flow.

*Mouse* ...in the meantime, we recognized we liked each other...

*Mouse* I knew they would get reinforcements,.... Will is present tense, but your sentence and the story is in past tense.

*Mouse* She would be pissed as hell...

*Mouse* We made a good team, Sylvana and I;...

*Mouse* ...revenge for everything the Protectorate had done to her. However, she had no say in it.

*Mouse* After Michael falls out of his tank, you write 'I stood up from the ground...' You could omit 'from the ground.' We already know he was on the ground. Most times, extra words just bog down our stories.

*Mouse* "Since when are you allowed to mock me, Synthia?"


Since I speak only one language, I am impressed with your ability to write in one that isn't your native. I saw a few errors, but if I tried to write in another tongue, I would butcher if for sure. You have what is a good start to a very interesting story. Thank you so much for sharing and not hiding it away.

Write On,
Ladee *Peace*



21
21
Review of Different Views  
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Jacky!

I love the concept of your story. The reader is told how each of the women on the balcony felt about their marriage. In a few short paragraphs, the tables turn. It just goes to show one should never presume to know the reality of a situation by what they see on the surface. I felt sadness for the second woman, and happiness for the first.

I already felt for these two woman because in my lifetime I've felt both slighted by a romantic relationship and deeply loved and cared for by my husband. What would have made this story haunt my sleep and some of my waking hours is if you would have shown how these two women felt instead of telling me. You already have the bones of the tale; adding the flesh would have made it real.

Reading your story was a pleasure. Thank you so much for making it possible for me to be able to do so instead of hiding it away.

Write On!
Ladee *Peace*

22
22
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello LHolloway!

I was looking for a something to review when I came across your story. I chose your tale today because your writing style made it easy for me to follow. I was in the mood for something such as this.

My default disclaimer paragraph *BigSmile*

Please keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

Favorite Parts

I have two favorite lines:

1) ...but instead a member of the daily drudgery of retail; wasting away hour after low-paying hour. Your whole story felt oppressive, but this line hit home to me. The wording is interesting and clever.

2) "Gary," I said. "I quit." Life couldn't go on for her the way it was. I'm glad for this conclusion.

Perhaps a bit of work:

*Acorn* As I pointed out already, you story is oppressive. It fits well with how the main character feels about her life situation, but for the reader, it could be a bit much. It would be nice to have experienced other emotions. For instance, when she sees Keith. You told us how she felt, but you didn't show us. Did her heart begin to race? Why did she duck away? I know it was because she didn't want him to notice her, but I only know it.

*Acorn* Some of your paragraphs are indented and some are not. I don't know what happened there. Your writing style is easy to follow, but it was a bit cramped.

*Acorn* I've noticed a lot of words ending in 'ly'. Most of those, if not all, you could do without. By using those, you are telling us what we already know or have figured out. For instance: Her eyes widened as she spoke as if she were stating something excessively obvious. You could take out 'excessively.' Your description of the eyes widening says it for you. It doesn't just say it, it shows it. You could even take out 'something' and replace it with 'the.'

I thank you so much for the chance to review your little slice of life. It's just the sort of thing that happens. Most people know what it's like to work in a position or place they don't want to be in. It feels like they'll be there forever. Your tale showed that quite well.

Write on!
Ladee
23
23
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Hello Nevaea!


How did you feel while you were writing? How did you feel when you were done? Excitement? Release? A sense of accomplishment? Whatever it was, you felt compelled to tap those keys and share with us. No matter what any of us say, remember those feelings, for they are the reason for writing in the first place. This is your story: a piece of Nevaea. Only you know how the story goes.

We all have a story to tell, but we don't always know how to say it so others will see what we saw or feel what we felt. Some reviews will be harsh, and some will make you smile. Please don't be daunted by our words, rather suck the truth out of them. If writing gives you a thrill, I implore you to keep at it. We are here to help you: to guide you. We all wish you success. I speak from experience.

For the reader, your writing needs work. That is just fine. That is great actually. How many of us don't go through that? None. Nadie. Zip. With each new writing rule you learn, your mind expands and enriches the rest of your life. It sounds crazy, but it's true. You will start thinking differently. You will catch things you hadn't caught before. This is very exciting. Since there are many avenues for you to explore with your writing, I will only point out a couple of things I think will make reading your story easier. It's been said, you can't see the forest for the trees.Here, we must look at each tree. In the end, if there ever really is one, you will be able to look back and see the gorgeous forest you have sown.

Please know, the critique I give is my opinion only. If it doesn't help you, disregard it. What works for me may not be to your liking. I've chosen the two biggest things that stand out to me that I think might help.

What I like or think works well:

What I like the most about your story is the concept. A lot of people have feelings they suppress because they don't think they're right. Instead of exploring them, they make decisions based on what society, their families, or group of peers think is best. You have shown reality. You have shown 'what is' and 'what if.'

Your story takes place in the month of August. It is hot and humid that time of year, like the gods of weather know winter is coming, so they make you beg for snow. Using that month supports the reason for stripping to their skivvies and desiring a road trip in the air conditioning.

Hints

The two biggest things that would make the story easier to read in my opinion is:

*Ladybug* The story is written as if one big paragraph. Too many words clumped together is tiring. Separating your story into smaller sections with spaces between tricks the mind into believing there really isn't that much to take in. Giving the brain a bit of a break helps it keep facts in order to help make a story that flows.

For example: the first paragraph could be about how the couples knew each other. It could include how they met, how they got married, their children, and their likeness. Anything that might explain the families.

The next paragraph could be about their decision to have a cookout and power outage ending with the guys being sent on their road trip.

The next could be the actual road trip.

The fourth could be the girls becoming concerned, their thoughts, and decision on what to do about it. It could include their findings maybe.

To wrap it all up, you could explain how the guys now felt and how the families decided to stay the way they were.

*Grasshopper* Putting the dialogue in quotation marks and in its own paragraph helps the reader know when something is being said. Creating dialogue helps the story become more real to the reader.

For example: Bobby replied, "Oh nothing, just thinking to myself."
These spoken words and others in the story should be in their own paragraph.


I hope I've helped you a little, Nevaea. If writing is pleasing to you, I very much encourage you to keep on keeping on.

Your Friend,

*Peace* Ladee
24
24
Review of Mario.  
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Louis,

I quite enjoyed this read. I find the different perspectives of people fascinating, and that is what you've featured here. The two personalities are the same but different. One could tell the characters come from the same cultural background, but each has his own issues. You've showed the manifestation of those issues.

Clint is insecure. He feels weak, so says nothing. He doesn't point out to Mario that he is standing on his foot; He takes it as a threat instead. Thereafter, Clint perceives everything Mario does as an offense.

Mario is also insecure but doesn't feel weak like Clint. He is quick to defend himself by being offensive once he senses another perceives an offense that wasn't there to begin with.

Both characters are afraid to show a softer side of themselves: a more likable side, so they go throughout their days in anger and frustration.

Perhaps I am seeing too much into these characters, but this is what has come to my mind while reading your story. Your piece made me think, and I like that.

My suggestion:

A different format would make this tale flow even better. By separating the dialogue into their own paragraphs the story would be easier to follow; albeit, we would get a better feel of what is happening.

You have a talent, Louis. Your tales are interesting, and I can't wait to read more.

Thank you,
Ladee *Peace*



25
25
Review of One Mistake  
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Storygirl!

Thank you for requesting a review and giving me the chance to read your story. I enjoyed it very much.

Please, keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

Your story came across to me like a well written letter: a gut wrenching, soul crushing letter that left me feeling despair. This is a good thing. Isn't that what we are trying to accomplish as writers: to make the reader feel what we are trying to impart? I don't want to know if it is true. It's too painful.


I believe the reason it read like a letter to me is because there was no showing. It was all telling. I didn't get to meet the antagonist; I only heard about him. I really didn't get to meet the protagonist. All I know is this undying ache.

You did very well at introducing me to loss. Good job. If that is what you were trying to accomplish, you have succeeded. I wasn't sure how to rate your story for this reason. For invoking a feeling, I would give five stars. It is well written; I would give a 4 1/2. For sucking me into the scenes, I couldn't rate. I didn't get to see anything from the inside. Someone suggested to me to watch people from afar. How do I know how they are feeling if I can't hear their words?

The more technical side


The only suggestion I have is to look for those words we tend to add that don't really need to be there. They make what would be a crisp sentence have less feeling. You may already know of this because I didn't see many. They are so easy to add. I find them in my own writing time and again. Here are a few instances:

*Heart* He travels all around the country to seek out promising young athletes... There is no need for 'all' or 'out'. You are saying the same thing without it.

*Heart* The way his eyes lit up when...

*Heart* ...with him in a heartbeat if offered them again.

I didn't seek all of them. There weren't many, but I wanted to give you an example of what I meant.

I enjoyed reading your story. You seem to know the depths of heartache and are able to share that with the reader. Kudos to you Storygirl.

Keep writing!
*Peace* Ladee
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