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Review Requests: OFF
90 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I give a general view, a disclaimer paragraph, what I think works well, what I think needs a bit of work, and a section where I pick out the technical errors according to my knowledge. If you'd prefer a brief paragraph of my thoughts instead of a long review, please let me know.
I'm good at...
Being a lover of the Thesaurus, I am good at finding alternative words for overused ones. When reviewing, since the story is not mine, I wouldn't dare insert another term and deprive the writer the gratification of finding their own. I would merely let the author know it is stale.
Favorite Genres
I like almost all genres
Least Favorite Genres
I am not fond of reading about spirituality, but don't mind reading about a spiritual person.
Favorite Item Types
I like almost all types.
Least Favorite Item Types
I don't understand poetry enough to give a good review.
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review of One Mistake  
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Storygirl!

Thank you for requesting a review and giving me the chance to read your story. I enjoyed it very much.

Please, keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

Your story came across to me like a well written letter: a gut wrenching, soul crushing letter that left me feeling despair. This is a good thing. Isn't that what we are trying to accomplish as writers: to make the reader feel what we are trying to impart? I don't want to know if it is true. It's too painful.


I believe the reason it read like a letter to me is because there was no showing. It was all telling. I didn't get to meet the antagonist; I only heard about him. I really didn't get to meet the protagonist. All I know is this undying ache.

You did very well at introducing me to loss. Good job. If that is what you were trying to accomplish, you have succeeded. I wasn't sure how to rate your story for this reason. For invoking a feeling, I would give five stars. It is well written; I would give a 4 1/2. For sucking me into the scenes, I couldn't rate. I didn't get to see anything from the inside. Someone suggested to me to watch people from afar. How do I know how they are feeling if I can't hear their words?

The more technical side


The only suggestion I have is to look for those words we tend to add that don't really need to be there. They make what would be a crisp sentence have less feeling. You may already know of this because I didn't see many. They are so easy to add. I find them in my own writing time and again. Here are a few instances:

*Heart* He travels all around the country to seek out promising young athletes... There is no need for 'all' or 'out'. You are saying the same thing without it.

*Heart* The way his eyes lit up when...

*Heart* ...with him in a heartbeat if offered them again.

I didn't seek all of them. There weren't many, but I wanted to give you an example of what I meant.

I enjoyed reading your story. You seem to know the depths of heartache and are able to share that with the reader. Kudos to you Storygirl.

Keep writing!
*Peace* Ladee
27
27
Review of Warrior  
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Izzy!


That was very awesome of you to request a review from me. Thank you.

Keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I will point out parts I liked or felt worked well. I will also make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

Overall

Lizzy is a very lucky woman to have someone love her so much he would stick with her no matter what she is going through. He thinks she is beautiful no matter what she thinks of herself. This is sweet, and the kind of love we yearn for.

I've noticed you use a lot of words to say something that could have a bigger impact with fewer words. It will point out the ones that stood out the most in the next section.


Breakdown & Questions

*Inlove* How would Niklas not expect her to end up in the hospital for attempted suicide when he had taken a knife from her when she tried to cut herself?

*Inlove* I don't understand Because of him, she was a beautiful lady. It sounds like he is the one that made her beautiful. Without him, she would be ugly. Is that what you are saying? Or are you trying to say Niklas thinks she is beautiful even if she doesn't think so herself? If the latter is the case, you could leave that sentence out, and the reader wouldn't be confused because you have already made that clear.

*Inlove* "Nicky?" A small voice asked from the bed. This should have a question mark.

*Inlove* He took her hand and kissed it with his lips. This sentence can be reduced to just a few words to make it easier to read. He kissed her hand. This shorter version says that he took her hand and he used his lips to kiss it without using the words to say it.

*Inlove* "I love you too, but I..." The three periods (or ellipses) would be used if her dialogue trailed off. You said she was interrupted by her gasp. In that case, it would use a dash "I love you too, but I-" For even more effect perhaps the two sentences would sound better like? "I love you too, but I-" She grasped.

It is wonderful to see how you have improved since I first met you almost a year ago. Great job Izzy! Keep up the good writing.

*Peace*
Ladee
28
28
Review of Adaline  
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Tempus!


Please keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I am far from an expert, but as a reader I can give you my input. I would like to point out what I really like and thought worked well. I would also like to point out spots that are confusing, bumpy, or hard to read. This is your poem; you were inspired to write it. If you don't agree with me, please don't hesitate to disregard what I have given you.

I get the impression this is a much older sister with her very young sibling. The reason for that is because the sibling doing the telling knows Adaline will grow and find other interests other than big sister. One can only know that from experience.


I found the visuals very sweet. They made me smile. I could hear the little one's giggles when the older sister feigns death from the burning tea. In my mind, I could see pudgy little fingers bandaging a wounded head. I thought you captured the essence of child play quite well.



Suggestions for Improvement

*Tiara* There are "a's" throughout the second half of your poem. I'm not sure how they got there: meaning, I don't know how to make them. They caused me to stuttered because they were a bit distracting.

*Tiara* The line: When I drink my tea to hot,. "to" should be "too". "Too" with two "oo's" means an excess, just like the "o's": an excess of "o's". You are saying the tea is excessively hot.


I quite enjoyed your creation. Thank you for sharing your words.

Write on,
Ladee *Peace*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
29
29
Review of At The Hospital  
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Reg!

Thank you for sharing your story with me.

Keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

Over All

I enjoyed reading your story. The hospital visit kept me glued. I really thought Billy had lost his mind, and I am sure he had. At the last minute, a bit of reason came to him. I'm not so sure it was healthy, but at least he didn't commit murder.

I think you're strongest at dialogue. The conversation between Billy and Eddy sounded like a real life exchange. Coming in second would be "show don't tell". Most of the time, I knew what was happening because I saw it in my mind's eye; I didn't just read it.

My Suggestions

*Glasses* There was a couple places where you slipped from past to present tense. Sometimes, it makes the reader confused. Other times, it causes a hitch in the sentence or story, like a bump in the road. One example is: The first sentence you use the word screaming. That is a present tense word. Your sentence is in past tense. Screamed would be a better choice.

*Glasses* Your narration shows us instead of telling us, but it probably needs the most attention. It can be a bit hard to follow at times. Some of the sentences are very long and exhausting. Perhaps a fix something like this:

It was his sister’s voice, loud, angry, and out of control. The window shattered, and broken glass skittered across the wooden floor. Either his sister, her husband, or both crashed into the closed bedroom door. He imagined them circling around in something like a bear hug. He thought the careening bodies would come through it, but it held. Something hit a wall, maybe a dresser or a chair. Then he heard flesh-on-flesh slapping or punching, his sister crying, sobbing, and then it quieted down; it was over.

I really like "broken glass skittered across the wooden floor". I watched it happen. Great visuals Reg.

*Glasses* This paragraph: In the beginning, Rose and Eddie… and the one after it are a retelling of what you had already said in the beginning of your story. Although there is a bit of new, it should probably be included at the start with the corresponding information. Adding it where you did makes the story drag on.

I hope you have enjoyed my review as much as I enjoyed your story. I also hope I was able to help you in some way. Thank you for asking me to read it.

Write on!
Ladee *Peace*



30
30
Review of My Friend (At 8)  
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hello Geoff!

It is so nice to review for you again.

Please keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.


Over All

Looking at each sentence on its own, it is easy for me to visualize what you are providing. You have an easy way of drawing me in, in that way. When I try to put these sentence together to form the story, I am lost. The sentences are often incomplete. They don't mesh well together. Mostly, that is in the first paragraph. There are holes: missing information making it surreal. Surreal is okay, but the piece should make sense. The reader should be able to make sense of a story, or else it isn't a story at all. It is more like rambling.

What I Most Liked

As I mentioned above, I think you have a knack of describing what you are seeing. I enjoyed the hamster. It helped bring life to the story. It made the story more intriguing.


My Suggestions

*Web1* "...finding her mother instead and touching her mother instead." Perhaps you should reword this. It sounds almost monotone. Using a variety of words would spice the sentence up.

*Web2* I used to think incomplete sentences were incomplete thoughts, therefore left the reader incomplete as well. I now think they are okay so long as they back up other sentences: used like you would use a colon. Many of your incomplete sentences aren't doing that. Perhaps you could go through and ask yourself if you were reading would you feel as though you were getting the whole story. It is hard to do when you are so close to it, but you could put it up for a bit, come back to it, and see what you think then.

Thank you so very much for sharing your story with me Geoff.

Keep on!
Ladee *Peace*

31
31
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello VMac!


Thank you for requesting a review. Each review given is a chance to share knowledge, and a venture for the reviewer into learning from another. Please keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

Overview

You have taken a classic tale and put a modern twist on it. I felt Scourge's misery during the life he once lived and the anguish of having to relive it. You were able to make me feel what was happening and the darkness of the situation. The dialogue between the characters was well done. It rang through my head as if I was witness to a conversation that had happened in my waking world. I was able to connect with the protagonist through it.


Suggestions

Even though I know the original tale, I was confused in the beginning of yours. I felt I was missing part of the story. It was as if this was a continuation of a story already being told. Each chapter should stand on it's own. One should not feel as though they aren't getting the whole story, even if they aren't. For instance, "...his cell phone rang again." Wait, I missed the first ring. When did that happen? This tale is one that most are familiar with, but what if someone reads it that hasn't read the classic?

I was able to connect with the feelings of Scourge as he viewed his past life, but the emotion would be more intense if I could connect with him from the beginning. He lie in bed thinking about ordering product. What was he feeling while he was there? What did the bed look like. Was he comfortable? Disturbed? Sleepy? What product? Especially the product. "Product" is too general and tells me nothing of the man. Is it dough? Oh, he runs a bakery. Is it car parts? Oh, he runs a automotive business of some sort. Make sure to figure out what kind of business. If you don't know your character, we won't know him, and our relationship with him will not be as in depth as it could be.

A lot of times we use an overabundance of words because we feel if we don't the reader won't get it. This is not true. Unnecessary words bog our stories down. By using only the words needed, the sentences are crisp and easily understood. I'll strike the words in the first sentence to show you what I mean:

Scourge lie in bed wondering whether he should go (This depends on if he really has to "go" somewhere. If so, let us know where he needs to go.) ask for more product on credit or just call it a night when his cell phone rang again.

Another example:

Only in that moment did it occur to him that Slearch did not say what these spirits were going to do to him. and then For the first time, he was really and truly afraid. He picked up the phone with much trepidation and said, "Hello?" (You had already told us he was afraid.)

Most of the time adverbs are not necessary. When reading over your story, and you come to an adverb, ask yourself if that adverb is important. Will the reader not know what you are saying without it?

One last suggestion: Thoughts are internal dialogue therefore need their own line or paragraph. They are best defined when the are written in italics. It sets them apart from spoken dialogue.

I wonder if the author will understand what I mean?

Overall

It was a good story. You already write well. All that is needed is the fine tuning we are all working toward. Keep working that wonderful imagination and suck us all in.

Good Job!
Write On,
Ladee *Peace*
32
32
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Shaara!

My name is Ladee. I found your story under "Please Review" in the Things To Do & Read drop list. I hope I will be able to give you insight into one person's view of your tale. I would like to point out parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

Overview

I enjoyed reading your tale of a group coming together to find solace in each other and what they thought was their last day on earth. When they find life goes on, they decide to come together more often. It seemed a blessing in disguise. Had tragedy not brought them together, they would have not figured out how wonderful their friendship was. They found comfort from each other.



What I Liked Best

I liked a lot of your story, but I did have favorite parts.

I liked how you described losing the conversation because you were thinking about something, and then how you got back on track with it. It was done in so few words, but I knew exactly what was going on. Nice description.

The emphatic nod that accompanied his explanation caused his jowls to jiggle back and forth, but even with that distraction I saw that everyone was thinking hard about what he'd said. I was able to visualize that quite easily. I felt as if I had seen it myself.


My Suggestions


I would have liked to have known why everyone was gloomy early on. Some tragedy seemed to be the reason they were together, and it was distracting. I couldn't get into the story as much as I would have liked. If I would have known in the beginning, I could have gotten that out of the way and put all of my concentration on their togetherness. I still would have read on. I would have wanted to know the outcome.

One of the prompts was moonlight shadow, but I wasn't sure what it was in your story. I thought maybe it was supposed to be a condition of the moon, but it didn't quite make sense. Instead of incorporating it into your story, it seemed you just kind of threw it in because you had to. Only half of the word works for how you used it. Because I wasn't quite sure what it was, I didn't realize the group was outside until they woke in the morning covered in dew.

I thought the line: The sweets of life are personal moments, the whens that we hold most special and dear. Kind of too bad, if you ask me, that it takes a radio announcement from the president of the United States to make us relive them, rethink them, savor them. would make a great first two lines to the story.

In Conclusion

I hope my likes, dislikes and suggestions were helpful to you. It is a great little piece. Good luck with however you choose to show it off.

Write On!
Ladee *Peace*
33
33
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello McCul!

I feel honored to have had the chance to review your story. Please keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out the parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions that I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

I was impressed with your story. What you have written is very exciting. Applause to you.

I felt for this character. Especially his mental state, since it is the thing that normally most concerns me about a person. I want to take Francis into my care and show him he doesn't have to stay where he is. I want him to be happy. The end surprised me.

When I first read your introductory paragraph I was confused. It needs help, but as I was making suggestions I started to get excited. I couldn’t wait to read more. With a little work, you’ll have a great start to your story. Your imagination grabbed me.

Now, for the more technical aspect

*SuitDiamond* I didn’t know what was happening and couldn’t form a picture until the last sentence of the first paragraph. When I start a story, I know nothing about it. What makes me fall in love from the very first sentence is a good mental image with emotion or feeling attached to it. You have started with an incomplete sentence. I think they work great if the reader already knows what is going on. Might I suggest to combine the first two sentences, and don’t tell me he hates the sounds. Show me. That would suck me in. How does clanging and the vibration from it affect him? Why does he hate it? Example: Instead of saying Susie was allergic to the pollen. I would form an image if I said, The bouquet caused Susie’s eyes to water and she sneezed.

*SuitDiamond* The next two sentences are a bit wordy. It would sound clear and crisp by simply saying, He hated more that he was the cause of it. If he were brave, he would stop.

*SuitDiamond* …hammered into place stretched out all around, gave him the feeling of being enveloped by steel… Less is better in most cases. If there is too many words we get bogged down instead of carried along.

*SuitDiamond* I’m not sure “monotonous” works. It is a great word to express the plainness of the surroundings, but we already know it is plain.

*SuitDiamond* …foundations of the building… A building only has one foundation, so the “s” should come off.

*SuitDiamond* The collar buzzing intently around his neck was designed to give only enough air to function and cut off enough to inspire panic.

*SuitDiamond* Knowing this was enough to stay in line, but the chocking was a sadistic bonus for the guards. It would need a comma before the conjunction “but” since you are joining two independent clauses. Adding “for the guards” helps us to know who it is a bonus for. The first part of the sentence you are talking about the protagonist. It wasn’t a big thing, but I did have to take a second longer to think about who it was a bonus for.

*SuitDiamond* So He continued…

*SuitDiamond* …the impending exhaustion, and accepting of his confinement. There needs to be a comma after “exhaustion”. This was not the case when I learned punctuation in school, but the rules have changed.

*SuitDiamond* Left there until he was needed again. The sentence before you only spoke of him. If you would like to include the lot of them, then you would need to change the former sentence to reflect that. If you do, perhaps you could take that opportunity to tell the reader what they are. Prisoners?

*SuitDiamond* Whatever he had done, he couldn’t remember,…

*SuitDiamond* …a gift that he should be thankful…

*SuitDiamond* …could not hate those who had granted him…

*SuitDiamond* …sent to the back of his mind where…

*SuitDiamond* After years of this. Perhaps you should name what “this” is. You had started the paragraph before by using “this”. It is becoming kind of monotonous.

*SuitDiamond* It just became a grey background, to the swing of a hammer, and the reverberating thud… This is a list of things. It should have commas to separate each item.

*SuitDiamond* …his place among them. Just a typo.

*SuitDiamond* And he did. We already know he did.

*SuitDiamond* …vibration in the wall, but a soft… It would read better if these two sentences were joined.

*SuitDiamond* …stretched for 10 seconds more before…

*SuitDiamond* We are held by the edge of our seats now. There is unusual noise coming from the speakers, the guards are confused, and there is blackness. Exciting!

*SuitDiamond* The next sentence explains the blackness, so should be a sentence to its own. The large industrial lights built into the floor had went out. And then After a second of blackness, they were replaced by the dim blue…

*SuitDiamond* Francis’s attention went to his neck. Without using the word immediately, it sounds immediate.

*SuitDiamond* You could take out the whole sentence It still clung to his neck but the danger was gone. You had already told us when you wrote that, it had gone dead. And, you hadn’t told us it had fallen off, so we would know that it was still around his neck.

*SuitDiamond* The man to his left turned and looked at him. A madness appeared in the man’s eyes as he made the same realization, but he did act.

*SuitDiamond* The first sentence of the next paragraph is a bit awkward. I get what you are trying to say, but it isn’t quite coming out right. The first part of the sentence should be its own: a period after “them”. For the second sentence, you are saying he charged down the platform bellowing as he went? So, maybe something like He charged, bellowing, down the platform toward the guard whose radio had died. To use “compatriots” somehow seems they are on equal terms. In my mind, it doesn’t really express the separation that had been thrust between the guards and prisoners. And, in the first part of the sentence you were only talking about one guard, but in the second part you used plural as if you are talking about all of the guards. It would be less confusing if you were to stick to one or the other.

*SuitDiamond* So preoccupied, the guard did not see the man approach him so confidently. So preoccupied, that he may never have even wasn’t aware of the hammer piercing his helmet before until it sank further and crushed the life from him. It seemed as though your thoughts were coming so quickly your words weren’t coming out the way you meant. The suggestions I made is what I thought you were trying to say.

*SuitDiamond* You may want to start the next paragraph with Francis’s name. We had just got done reading about the guard. I had thought for a second you were still talking about him.

*SuitDiamond* Was the guard his protector? That has a fuzzy feeling, a warm feeling to it. Perhaps “warden” would be better.

*SuitDiamond* …taken away from him.

*SuitDiamond* …used this opportunity to return to the fore

*SuitDiamond* There needs to be a comma after guard. He hated this guard, and he…

*SuitDiamond* …driving home his own hammer onto any part of the guard his with chaotic swings could land.

*SuitDiamond* …of his arm and the fire of anger that raged through him,…

*SuitDiamond* It sounds to me as though this paragraph and the next should be joined.

*SuitDiamond* Blood covered his face. In the background,…

*SuitDiamond* He swung until…

*SuitDiamond* Too exhausted to continue, he lay across……recognizable…

*SuitDiamond* …time, he lay, drifting in and out of sleep…

*SuitDiamond* …pulled him out from a deep sleep…

*SuitDiamond* Moaning could be heard from the wounded and dying

*SuitDiamond* When you say Over the edge of the platform was the same abyss. What do you mean? I’m not finding where you are talking about an abyss before this.

I very much appreciate the opportunity to review your story. Please remember, it is your writing. I have merely made suggestions. Our styles are different, so if you don't agree with what I have said, I won't be hurt or disappointed.

Thank You
Write On!
Ladee *Peace*
34
34
Review of Patricia  
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Richard!

Happy November! I feel honored to have had the chance to review your story.

Keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out the parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions that I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

The Overview
I quite enjoyed your story. It was like getting a look at a slice of one man’s lifetime. The story felt very believable; like my far away friend had penned me a letter. I felt privileged to have had this shared with me. I found my self defending Patricia: trying to explain to Richie how she was feeling and why she did the things she did. In the end, I was sad Richie never found someone he could hold, be best friends with, and call his own. One could only hope he went on to find the woman of his dreams, but in the story, he was left with longing for Patricia eternally. The sadness I was left with will probably linger with me for a bit.


I would have liked to have known early on what era the story was set in. I thought it was probably in the 50s by the way you described the courtship and the use of the “glider” like it was common porch furniture. It wasn’t until a little under halfway through your story that you gave me the name of a song. I wasn’t familiar with it, so I looked it up to see if this story was indeed set in the 50s. Turns out it was the 60s. In some cases, not knowing what time period a story is in, the reader will pick one they are most familiar with. When they do find out, it almost feels like the whole story has been a lie. Everything they knew about the tale will have to be revamped. They will have to go back and replace their Mustang GTs with Studebakers. *Bigsmile*

The Body
The two paragraphs, where Richie meets Linda and talks about her, kind of threw me. It is important information to the story, but it comes in at the wrong time. You had taken me to meet Patricia. Nothing indicated we were going to go back in time and talk about Linda. I couldn’t figure out why we were talking about a Linda. Reading on, I realized how much talking about her mattered. The story would flow better if you made those two paragraphs about Linda the first ones after the pause: the first segments where the narration reminisces about intimacy. If you move them, in the second paragraph of those two, you would want to take out Before I met Patricia since we haven’t met her yet. We would wonder who you were talking about. It might be a little distracting.

There were other parts where I felt like important information was left out:

*Smile* After dropping off tools at the uncle’s house the two boys walked back down the street. My vision was that they had driven there. I had to reread the former paragraph to see why I had seen that. You hadn’t said how they got there, but you said Richie was 16. I assumed Norm was the same age: driving age. The other thing that made me think driving was the mode of transportation was because you made a point to tell me the uncle lived in Lawrenceville. That sounds far away.

*Smile* Events seemed to happen so fast at times I wasn’t sure I was getting the whole story. Richie meets Patricia one day. The next day, he walks to see her. On the way there, porch lounging Linda asks if he is going to go see his girlfriend. How does she know so quickly how Richie feels about this other girl?

*Smile* When he gets to Patricia’s house they embrace. He just met her the day before. Why does Patricia trust this older boy enough that she would fall into his arms without a word spoken and very few the day before?

The Break Down
In this section, I throw in my commentary as well as suggestions. My commentary will be in blue, and your writing will be in green.

*Smile* I have come to know some rules about punctuation, but am not yet an expert. The very first paragraph stumps me. Every sentence is an explanation of the first. All of them are incomplete sentences, aside from the third sentence. They are depending on the very first sentence for their subject. I’m not sure how that would be punctuated other than maybe a colon after the first sentence. I’m not sure where to look to find my answer, so I will leave that one alone for now. I just wanted to make you aware of the fact that I think it needs something. Aside from that, it is quite a lovely paragraph. It is a list of activities that happen during dating. This list put me in the mood for the story to come.

*Smile* In the third sentence of that paragraph, the comma is misplaced. With the position it is in, it reads as though you are arm-in-arm with the snow. If you were to move the comma down a few words and place it in front of “while” the sentence would sound better.

*Smile* The first sentence in the paragraph that introduces Linda to the reader doesn’t quite belong. That segment is about Linda, but that first sentence, and only that sentence, is about Norm. It would work better in the paragraph where Richie first meets Norm’s female cousin. However, the Linda paragraph would have to come before the Patricia paragraph.

*Smile* I think you are trying to tell the reader that Norm’s intention is to set Richie up with his cousin. Am I getting that right? What makes me think that is: Norm is trying to break the spell, and he doesn’t tell Richie about the cousin. You may want to make that a bit clearer by letting us in on why Norm didn’t tell Richie about Patricia. Does Norm know his friend won’t follow him to his uncle’s house if he is trying to hook him up?

*Smile* I like the poles that looked like licorice sticks. I have seen poles like that. That was a good description.

*Smile* If Patricia was frowning, how did Richie know there was instant attraction between them? Was it a feeling?

*Smile* I jumped, stretched, and wiggled. There should be a comma after stretched. When I was in high school, that was not the rule but things change, even in punctuation.

*Smile* Richie tries the suave approach, but I’m not really feeling suave from just “Hi”. Does he lean against the pole? Does he put his hands in his pockets and rest his weight on one foot? How is he being suave? *Cool*

*Smile* Back at the Linda paragraph, you wrote Linda lived a few houses up the street and I would see her sitting on her front steps wearing short shorts. Since you are joining two independent clauses with the conjunction word “and” there would be a comma before “and”. …up the street, and I would see her…

*Smile* In the next sentence, you have "each other" twice. Using the same words twice bogs down a sentence. If you left off the second “each other” it would give the sentence more pizazz and not take away from the meaning.

*Rolleyes* mhm, Linda developed into a teenage tigress, and she knew it too. I don’t much care for that girl. I’m just saying.

*Smile* …eyes devoured me, and she ran her hand… The comma before the conjunction rule applies here.

*Smile* In the next paragraph, instead of a period at the end of the first sentence, a semicolon would work better. You would then need to make the “B” lower case. …the last two years; but she kept my panting… It is not a big enough breath for two separate sentences, but you’re going for a bigger pause than a comma.

*Smile* There doesn’t need to be a comma between “wavy” and “black-haired”. You would only use a comma when the two words could be switched and still make sense. You wouldn’t say "black-haired, wavy Italian". Since it can only be one way, no comma.

*Smile* Norm was ready to leave., doesn’t really belong in that paragraph. It should be a paragraph of its own. Being where it is right now is like someone smacking you to bring you out of a soft, gentle daydream.

*Smile* Her eyes sparkled, and a smile softened her face.

*Smile* Nice visuals on the description of the heart palpitation. I like the creative way you wrote it.

*Smile* …blond hair up and down, and I waved goodbye…

*Smile* The next evening should have a comma after it. It is the introductory element. The real subject of the sentence is I. You could just as easily put “The next evening” at the end of the sentence.

*Smile* She smiled, and her blue eyes sparkled.

*Smile* I reached out my hand, and she took it, and we held each other.

*Smile* …strings go ping, and I knew…

*Smile* In the evenings, we would sit…

*Smile* …her languorous eyes, and my hand slipped…

*Smile* We went to movies and sipped sodas on drug store swivel stools. While reading that sentence I automatically inserted “and”.

*Smile* Instead of using the word “swivel” again, perhaps you could use another word from a thesaurus.

*Smile* She pulled out a silver coated comb, and her face grew somber, and her eyes penetrated mine. If you wanted to be really dramatic and show the intensity of her eyes, you could make …her eyes penetrated mine a sentence of its own.

*Smile* I heard what she said, but I couldn’t react.

*Smile* …put my hand over it, and pushed down.

*Smile* For the next sentence, there is no need to start it with the word “Then”. We already know what you write next happens after the sentence preceding it.

*Smile* …to stop the bleeding, and suddenly…

*Facepalm* Oh snap! What is Richie thinking still messing around with Linda? That is what you meant when you wrote she had a physical hold on him wasn’t it?

*Smile* Sometimes, she would fall asleep, and I would…

*Smile* …her senior prom, and I couldn’t resist.

*Smile* …White-gloved arm, and her prom dress…

*Smile* We had our picture taken, and she looked like…

*Smile* …with another couple, and she wouldn’t…


*Smile* I could really feel Richie’s anxiety getting to Patricia’s house. I like the way you described how he walked, then ran and how he was out of breath by the time he got there.

*Smile* For months, I drifted along…

*Smile* …both my loves, and I was…

*Smile* I giggled picturing the balls repeatedly hitting Richie while he was distracted.

*Smile* Then we both looked at her and knew… There is no need for “then”. The reader wouldn’t be confused about the sequence of things.

*Smile* What is Tarentum? Is that a town? Is it a school?

*Smile* …one summer night, and I heard that…

*Smile* By then, I couldn’t care less…

*Smile* …to visit Patricia and her family, to apologize to her, and to wish her.. This sentence has a list.

*Smile* She took me outside, and we talked

*Smile* She grabbed my arms, and her eyes were pleading.

*Smile* …to marry Harry, and I won’t.

*Smile* I was bitter, and I stuffed…


*Smile* …to turn brown, and I tried to put…

I hope I have given you something you can use, Richard. Even if you use nothing, I appreciate the opportunity to have read your story and the learning experience that came with it.

Thank you
Write On!
Ladee *Peace2*


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35
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Mike!

Happy October!!! *Jackolantern*

I have found your story while looking at random reviews. I feel honored to have had the chance to read it.

Please, keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out the parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

Your work is quite enjoyable. It got my mind wandering. *Thinker* The possibilities I dreamed of are far too many to share. At this point, you could go ANYWHERE. I find that thrilling.

I tend to pick other genres before sci-fi. If it was my first pick, I might have recognized early on that Luna was an AI, but, alas, I did not. I thought she was a female shipmate opening and closing a door. After I found out what Luna was I reread the story, and it made a whole lot more sense.

I am not proficient with punctuation, but I am learning. There are some rules I have come to know. I will point out the errors. However, if you disagree, please disregard my suggestions.

Now, for the more technical aspect

*WitchHat* The first thing I noticed was the lack of commas after dialogue. For example: "We have arrived at the Regalis system," echoed a piercing feminine voice... From what I understand, in the UK, the comma would be on the outside of the parenthesis. I don't know where, in the world, you are. Example: system", I noticed you had done that placement further on in your story.

*WitchHat* There should be a comma after "reply". ...came a resigned reply, and the room... When connecting two independent clauses with a conjunction, there should be a comma before the conjunction. So, when you have two complete sentences joined with for, and, nor, but, or, yet, or so, add the comma before.

*WitchHat* Well, as calm as I could manage. That is an incomplete sentence. To keep what you have written a colon would be in order. I composed my anger and spoke slowly in a calm voice: well, as calm as I could manage.

*WitchHat* You are good at portraying someone who has woken from a stupor. The interaction between him and Luna worked quite well.

*WitchHat* I have seen a few sentences where you start with a preposition. Sometimes you add the comma, but other times you leave them out. For example: As the cabin came into focus, it became apparent that I had been lucky to make it as far as I had without breaking my neck. The first part of that sentence could easily fit well at the end. Since you have chosen to start with it, you would use a comma as I have shown.

*WitchHat* The last sentence, in the same paragraph as the sentence above, is actually two sentences. I slowly got to my feet. Finally, my brain began to process what Luna had said.

*WitchHat* We reached the outer planet, Sepho's orbit, and are holding there... Sepho's orbit is inserted in the middle of the sentence, so therefore should be set apart with commas. You would know it needed commas, because that part could be taken out and the sentence would still make sense.

*WitchHat* In the last paragraph, 1st sentence, you would use a colon instead of a semicolon to introduce a list of any kind. ...its drawbacks as well: love, hate, longing, doubt.

*WitchHat* I know I have already pointed out the insertion rule, but there is another in this last paragraph, only a little different: longer. Emotions, while treasured and revered in sentient species across the galaxy, had no place in a starship's AI.

*WitchHat* And lastly, I LOVED that bit of humor at the end. *SuitHeart*

It's a start to a great story Mike! I hope you keep writing it, but if you don't, it's a nice short story all on its own.

I hope I was able to help you, even just a little.

Thanks for sharing your work!
Ladee *Peace2*

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Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello! Aqua

I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Symposium Community College"


Happy October!! *Pumpkin*

I feel honored to have had the chance to review your story. I understand this is your work, so I have taken good care of it.

Keep in mind, I am but one opinion. I would like to point out the parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions I think may be helpful. Use what will be beneficial to you, but please, don't hesitate to discard what you don't agree with.

Your story is touching. I honestly didn't expect the end to happen the way it did. Oh sure, I was forewarned, but I didn't think it would happen so soon. Lily truly is a brave girl: a trusting and wise girl.

I wondered how you were going to weave the image of the hanging jars into the story. With the way the tale started, I could not figure out how you could possibly incorporate them. As the scenes unfolded I was like, Ah, there they are. Nice job. However, I do wonder what the meaning of the jars is where the poor are concerned?

Now, for the more technical aspect

*Jackolantern* Peter woke up to the symphony of a heart rate monitor. I have never thought or heard of such a sound being described in that way To me, it sounds original. I liked it very much.

*Jackolantern* Peter hears faint voices; meaning he hears more than one, but there is no mention of others in the room, only the doctor. You may want to explain where he is hearing them from or from whom. It would make your story more believable.

*Jackolantern* Speaking of the doctor, I'm wondering if perhaps the physician should be mentioned later. Perhaps, introducing the doctor to us as she is introduced to Peter. I mean, he is waking out of a groggy state. Would he know it was a "doctor" pushing his eye open?

*Jackolantern* Peter blinked his eyes until his vision set in and he saw two fingers held before his eyes. Maybe, for the second "eyes" you could use a different word. Using the same term twice in one sentence doesn't sufficiently stimulate the reader's mind. We already know fingers are being held up, and Peter will have to see them with his eyes. Perhaps, you could simply say ...held before him.

*Jackolantern* Concerning the same sentence as above, there should be a comma between "in" and "and". You are joining two complete sentences with a conjunction. (Now, I have that song rolling around in my head. ~sings~ "Conjunction junction, whats your function." Have you heard it and seen the cartoon? If not, check it out. It's very cool.) As you read through your story, look for sentences like that. I saw a few of them.

*Jackolantern* Peter looked around to take in the surroundings which, were all but familiar. I don't think there is a comma needed, but if you think the sentence needs one, it definitely needs to be before "which".

*Jackolantern* You wrote, Rapid footsteps thrummed on the floor as his angel approached the room. A couple of lines earlier you wrote that he could see her head just outside the door. That was a bit confusing. I had to go back and read the information before, to make sure I had read it right.

*Jackolantern* If you have reread your story I'm sure you have already caught where you repeated part of a sentence, Peter held his five year old daughter... Or, was that just a glitch in the matrix? *BigSmile*

*Jackolantern* In the sentence where Lily points to the aunt, it would sound better to use the word "to", instead of "on". It also wields too many commas.

*Jackolantern* He motioned his finger for Lily to come closer and, she approached cautiously believing the story he was knitting. The comma should be placed in front of "and". I like the idea of him "knitting" a story. That is pretty cool.

*Jackolantern* Peter started tickling his sunshine and the room filled with shrieks and laughter. That made me smile. I could hear that happening. A comma needs to be inserted before "and". The same with the next sentence.

*Jackolantern* He glanced at Carla, worry was written all over her face. The way that sentence is written right now is just giving us the facts, like a newspaper headline. It would invoke more feeling by inserting "was".

*Jackolantern* All of the sudden, the doctor speaks. I was a bit confused at first. I thought, Whoa, who was that? A voice speaks from beyond. Spooky! I know, you didn't actually SAY the doctor had left, but I thought that is what happened when she said they would talk later.

*Jackolantern* The doctor talking to Peter from across the room felt impersonal. If a doctor had bad news for me, especially as dire as his condition, and she stood across the room and told me, I would feel so very isolated. I would feel like she really didn't care.

*Jackolantern* If someone was speaking and they were cut off, I would understand something was left unsaid with a series of periods. For instance: "Wait, you could receive treatment..." Perhaps in the next sentence: "You cannot force a patient to stay in the hospital without his consent," He interrupted. "I want to leave." (If you felt you needed to clarify)

*Jackolantern* "Look," the doctor looked at Peter. I think the orange part should be a separate sentence. The way it is written now is kind of confusing. I wasn't sure who said it at first. Because it is all one sentence, I thought the doctor was saying it, but it wasn't making sense. On top of that, perhaps you could get out your trusty thesaurus and find another word for the second "look". Repetition doesn't properly engage the mind.

*Jackolantern* When Peter is discharged from the hospital, that first sentence is run on and kind of incoherent. It would be better split into two sentences and perhaps the second sentence restructured a bit.

*Jackolantern* Peter laughed., is its own sentence.

*Jackolantern* Peter woke with someone rocking on him. Then you tell us he woke a second time with a different scenario. Perhaps, you could tweak the second awakening, so you can say what you mean without having him wake up twice.

*Jackolantern* What a tease! Dad tells Lily he is ready to watch Dora and then gets in the tub instead.

*Jackolantern* Peter rushed out and spent a two good hours... The word "a" could be removed and that part of the sentence would work a lot better. The second part of the sentence isn't really making much sense. You may want to treat it as a separate sentence and restructure it a bit.

*Jackolantern* I'm not sure I understand what you are trying to say in the next paragraph, 2nd sentence. It almost seems as if you were getting tired and trying to rush through your story at this point.

*Jackolantern* Under the lights, they shone bright like a blue sky filled with stars, all in a jar. The orange words really aren't necessary. Since it is not needed, and the "jar" was used already, if you took them out, the sentence would sound just fine.

*Jackolantern* Peter lifted her onto his back... By using "onto" you are being more specific. We then know he is carrying her like a rucksack, as opposed to him lying on his back and lifting her.

After the three stars:

*Jackolantern* The 1st sentence in the 1st paragraph, the word "up" could be stricken, and the sentence would sound better.

*Jackolantern* The next day,Carla woke up to the sound of the doorbell and saw that it was an invitation for Peter to Lily's recital. The two orange words could be removed and a comma added after "The next day". "Doorbell" is one word.

Thank you for sharing your lovely story Aqua! I wish you luck in the contest.

Ladee *Peace2*
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Review of 3321 (WIP Story)  
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Kyle!

Happy October! *Jackolantern* I feel honored to have had the chance to review your story. I would like to start off by saying that I am but one opinion. Take from me what you can use and discard the rest, if you so choose. I would like to point out the parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions that I think may be helpful.

That was a very thrilling story Kyle! You asked what questions I might have. They may not be able to be answered, but here they are: Why was Tanya chosen? Was the mystery man smiling warmly, because he found what he was looking for, or did he have feelings for Tanya? I take it these beings have power over the shooter/driver, but how did that come to be? What are these things, and where did they come from? So, no Daytona? *BigSmile*

There was an element of mystery throughout the story. I wondered what was up with the good looking driver. You gave the sense that this was not going to turn out pleasant, but for a bit I was hopeful.

I loved the smooth commentary between Ben and Tanya. I got excited when Tanya gave into her feelings where Ben was concerned.

Then, the thrilling part happened. I really dug the whole scene where the guy is climbing through the window. It held my attention. I’m pretty sure I started reading that part faster.

The story came off more like a mystery/horror until the last few sentences. I knew coming into the story it was a sci-fi, but there was no indication of that until the very end. I had assumed there was a second driver and maybe a couple of passengers. I had no inclination at all that vehicles themselves were beings. That kind of threw me. Maybe you could let the reader get a hint of, or wonder if, the cars have a life of their own, or speculate if the car is alive or there is a person inside. At the end, you could reveal the truth, as you have done.


Now, for more technical suggestions:

*Spider* You say, Tanya was not able to make out any figure inside either car now, even though only one person came from them. I don’t quite understand that sentence. I think I get the gist. She couldn’t make out who was in the cars, but we already assumed that, since you didn’t tell us she could see anyone, until the one person got out. I think the word “now” stumps me the most. It’s almost as if you are saying the act of the driver getting out of the car on the left made everyone else in the cars invisible.

*Spider* In the 4th paragraph, the way the sentence is structured it sounds like the man is leaning on the railing more. It may be a more clearly written like: Tanya, leaning on the railing more, turned her attention back to the man.

*Spider* Then their eyes met. That gave me a jolt. Here is this mysterious man looking for something, then they look at each other. That was a nice effect.

*Spider* You get to see the real them in bed, Quotations for inner thought is correct, but I have learned recently italics makes the action more distinguished. Just a little hint.

*Spider* Again, she could not see… “Again” is implying she was able to see them at one time. Perhaps “Still” would be a better word.

*Spider* In the paragraph where Tanya is wondering whether to put her hair up or not, you have a run-on sentence. Putting it up as a blonde was something Tanya personally did not like much at all, but some of her competition seemed to have quite a lot of success with it, although she could not be certain if the hair makes all the difference, especially with some of the more seasoned veterans like Jess, who had claimed the hotspot over on Seventeenth street and Pine avenue. As far as I could tell, the punctuation was correct. (I am still learning proper comma usage.) However, the sentence is exhausting. It is difficult to keep track of all of that information. It could easily be turned into two. Some of your sentences throughout your tale are very close to being like this. You may want to reread your work and see where you could cut down on sentence size. Beware not to divide too much though. You wouldn’t want your story too choppy.

*Spider* In the next paragraph,…but Tanya felt like…, “like” could be stricken. It is an added word that isn’t needed. Extra words tend to bog our work down.

*Spider* And now he’ll offer to take me to the beach… is inner thought.

*Spider* …Ben always rented a room at, and they made… “they” could be taken out and the sentence. You have already used it in the beginning of the sentence.

*Spider* “Did I ever tell you how beautiful you look?” he said, looking over her. Perhaps you could use a different word for “looking”. It was already used once, albeit in a different form. To use another word meaning the same thing, even if you had to restructure the sentence, would give it more pizazz.

*Spider* Ben, facing away from the perking lot…

Nice Read Kyle! You are good at making the story interesting. It engaged my mind and invoked emotions. Great Work!

Write On,
Ladee *Peace2*
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38
Review of Sin City  
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello Jeff!

I am distressed, disgusted and enthralled, all at the same time. *Sick* Your use of words held me to your story. I didn't want to finish it, because I was stuck in the mind of a demented individual. However, I couldn't stop myself. I had to ride it out and read every last disturbing word.

You are very clever at portraying your story in so few words. I found the description of how the neon lights played on the passersby and the dried blood under the fingernail most cunning.

I have tried looking but can find nothing that I would suggest needs improvement. I'm sorry I cannot give you more.

Excellent Story Jeff!

Ladee *Peace2*
39
39
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Ben!

I read your story, and I feel honored to have had the chance to review it. I would like to start off by saying that I am but one opinion. Take from me what you can use and discard the rest, if you so choose. I would like to point out the parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions that I think may be helpful.

From the very first sentence, I knew I was in for a good read.*Reading* The story sucked me in and I had to know more. The descriptions you use of events and objects animated the story in my mind. I was in the carriage with Kenton and traveled with him to his destination.

The pen murdering the page was unique to me. You described the same occurrence again, but differently when the coach lurched a second time. Nice work! That kept my mind sufficiently stimulated. *Smile*

You wrote a couple of words I had to look up. I liked that. If there are too many unknown words, I get discouraged from having to work too hard to enjoy myself. However, a couple of words I don't know engages my mind.

You did very well expressing and showing the reader different personality types. I must say, my favorite two characters, so far, are Torin and the seductress Mandassa Lisadar. I know, we aren't suppose to like them, but I can't help myself. Perhaps, in future chapters I will be cursing them.

Here are some more technical suggestions I think might be of help:

*CheckV* I'm learning rules for comma usage. I will share the one with you that I am getting to know. When joining two independent clauses with a conjunction (and, because, but, etc.) a comma goes after the first independent clause but before the conjunction. A pile of finished letters lay to Kenton's side, is an independent clause. (Could be a sentence all by itself) "and" would be the conjunction. The other half of the sentence is also an independent clause. There are a few sentences like that throughout the story.

*CheckV* Your story is written in past tense, but at times you use present tense words. In the third paragraph, the word "is" is a present tense word. There are a few places in the story where the jump between past and present occur. When rereading your story, if you see the word "is", ask yourself if it belongs or if it should really be "was".

*CheckV* In the paragraph after Kenton has a conversation with the driver of the carriage, in the last sentence the word "the" is missing. ...must be on the final approach...

*CheckV* When talking about the "seamless" road, you used it three times and again while describing the gate. Using the same word over and over becomes monotonous to the reader. Perhaps you could find other words with the same meaning.

*CheckV* I love the description "shiny golden device". Although, I'm not quite sure what you were saying with "smaller and smaller rings". To have something "smaller" you would first have to have something "small".

*CheckV* He quickly picked up the wasted paper and put them... "them" is a plural word describing the singular noun "paper". Perhaps you could use "sheets of" or add an "s" to "paper".

*CheckV* In the sentence, He may be some slightly sheltered island dweller,..., I'm not so sure that word works there. The word "some" doesn't sound as sophisticated as the character using it.

In the next sentence, the word "recognize" should have a "d" at the end.

*CheckV* Be careful of punctuation. During commentary there is missing question marks, commas, or periods.

*CheckV* Kenton reached for the door, he could feel the door... If you used a different word for the first "door" the sentence would have more pizzazz. What precisely is he reaching for?

The same sort of thing happens when describing the circular room. You use "He could see..." twice. If you took those three words out of both places the sentences would still imply that he saw those things. Of course, you would have to change a couple of the words' endings, like "lining" and "lighting".

*CheckV* "Bad weather delayed us by a day and I arrived here just as Blythe was" As it is, this is an incomplete sentence. What was Blythe doing?

*CheckV* The door opened up and Kenton turned around to see a woman standing there wearing a scandalous blue dress that left very little to the imagination. If you took ou the extra words, indicated in blue, the sentence would sound cleaner. Extra words tend to bog a story down making it sluggish.

I do hope I have been of help to you. You have an engrossing story. My suggestions may seem like plenty, but they are minor things.

Good Job Ben!!!!
Ladee *Peace2*
40
40
Review of The Chosen  
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Julian:

I read your story, and I feel honored to have had the chance to review it. I would like to start off by saying that I am but one opinion. Take from me what you can use and discard the rest, if you so choose. I would like to point out the parts I liked or felt worked well. I would also like to make suggestions that I think may be helpful.

From the very first, my attention was grabbed. I needed to know more. I wanted to know who was waking and why. What I was left with wanting to know is: Did they ever get their message across? How did they attempt to deliver it and to whom?

I have been trying to tie all the different stories together and make them one unit, coupled with the description of your story. They are all to have the same destiny, but it isn't quite clear what that destiny is. I would say "demise", but not everyone perishes. Perhaps its "peril", but little Faye didn't face danger.

Each character had their own distinct personality. I was emotionally involved with them and the descriptions of all that was around. You are very good at sucking the reader in and making them a part of the story.

Now, for the structural part of your story: These are a few things I caught as I read.

Be careful of past and present tense. A couple examples are:

Messengers

When speaking of the Messengers, in the first paragraph you wrote, The world was different; changing like always. The first part of that sentence is in the past, but the second part is in the present. Let me add the silent words to show you what I mean. The world was different. It is changing like always.

You are leading the reader to believe these beings still exist, but in the 5th paragraph you speak of them as if they are from a time past.

Often, we use extra words that aren't needed. These extra words tend to bog our stories down and make them fuzzy, instead of precise, crisp, and clear.

Again, in the Messenger segment, the 5th paragraph you wrote, The rain would pound in with vengeance.. The word "in" could be taken out to make the sentence more clean.

In the next paragraph (6th) there is a sentence left incomplete. It ends with the word "inevitable". It looks like you are using that word as a noun, in which case, it would need the word "the" before it.

Gunner

In the 4th paragraph, it took me three or four times reading the sentence, His fists were clenched tightly, raised up by his face,..., before I understood what was going on. I kept wondering what his face was raising up. Perhaps the comma should come out. I'm not a punctuation expert, so I don't know if it should be there or not, but it would eliminate confusion.

You use the metaphor "to throw his towel into the ring." If I had not known about boxing that part of the line would have confused me.

Dylan

The last line in the 1st paragraph says, "...a dangerous place to avoid." You really mean it should be avoided, because it looks like a dangerous place, correct?

I like how you described the sidewalk drowning in the grass. That is a fresh perspective.

In the 6th paragraph, last sentence, it looks like you had written something but decided to change it. The word "at" doesn't fit.

Haydn

To me, the word "picked" doesn't sound quite right when referring to lifting his head.

The middle aged woman "peeked". It's one of those words spell check wouldn't catch.

Yes! "No! Of course not." That made me giggle.

Jessie's response to Haydn pleading with her to tell him who he is, is missing a word. "So not only are an idiot,..."


I hope I have given you something you can use Julian. Your story was enjoyable to read. One could almost forget where they were.

Thank you so much for sharing with me,
Ladee *Peace2*
41
41
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Adrift:

I saw your piece in the right hand corner on the Hub page.

I find your concept of life interesting and uplifting. It was easy for me to read, for I have similar philosophies. I am curious as to how you would expand it into a much larger piece. What direction would you take it? What more do you have to say? There is no need to tell me in a response. That would be like telling me the story before I had the chance to read or watch it myself. I will just wait for it.

The only suggestion I have for improvement is to be careful of incomplete sentences. They have a way of making the reader feel as if they have missed something, or it makes them work too hard to make sense of what you are saying.

You have a nice philosophy, and I am anxious to read more.

Thank you for sharing
Ladee *Peace2*
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42
Review of The Candy Imps  
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello LJPC:

I had the pleasure of reading your story in a random review.

That was a nice little read. It was full of visuals and expressed the actions of the characters nicely. It was easy to read and follow. You were cleverly able to tell us what was going on without an overabundance of words.

It is very hard to pick out a something that I especially liked. I would have to go with Gina confided between bites of chocolaty goodness. I probably like that best, because I can fully relate to that statement. *BigSmile*

Thanks for sharing your story!
Loved it!
Ladee *Peace2*
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Review of A Murder of Crows  
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Evermore:

I found your story under the Editor's Pick in a Newsletter. I thoroughly enjoyed the read. Even though there was no distinction between the crows, except Dead Crow, it was easy enough to follow.

The personalities you gave the birds made the story believable.

It is hard to pick a favorite part, but I think I would have to go with the three drunk men. Without naming their condition, you let us know exactly what was going on with them. I loved the line, They were leaning on each other as if they only had on leg between them.

My suggestions I think might be helpful are:

In the second paragraph, the first sentence, the adjective "careful" would sound better if you used the adverb "carefully".

......spoke up a crow in the assembly. The structure of that is a little awkward.

A story well written Evermore. I must share with my husband. Kudos to you!

Ladee
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Review of My big dream  
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Izzy!

Thanks for requesting the review. It is my pleasure to read what you have written. I hope my suggestions will help.

First off I would like to say, "Nice job!" I got the feeling of fear and anger. I was angry at the step-mother right off the bat. I was all like, "What a beeoch!" and "Mother? She doesn't deserve the term mother." Then I was all like, "I'm surprised the 'parents' let do anything, let alone play hockey." But, then I figured they let her play hockey so they could beat the snot out of her and no one would be suspicious.

I would get a little lost about who was saying what at times. To make it more clear perhaps you could separate each person's speech into paragraphs and then let the reader know which character said it if it didn't follow an action they did or if they weren't directly addressed.

I'm glad you ended the story with Lizzy getting to stay with the people she really loved. I got a little concerned when the "parents" were acting sickening sweet at the door. However, Nick wasn't buying it. He knew what was up. It was a happy ending, just how I like them.

Kudos to you Izzy!
I can tell you enjoy writing, so keep on keeping on.*Hockey* *BigSmile*
Ladee *Peace2*
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Review of The Wardrobe  
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Rusty!

I have had the pleasure of reviewing your work. It is always a pleasure to see what others are writing.

I have a few suggestions that might be of help.

When first talking about the large purple birthmark you missed the article "a" in that sentence.

The second paragraph, the last sentence you use the word "though". You use that same word in the next sentence. That second usage could be taken out and the sentence would come across quite nicely.

".....between the two women with them standing either side of him." You could probably take the blue part out since you already told us he was between them.

Those are just little helpful hints I catch in my own writing as well. I try to take out the extra words, so as not to bog my story down.

You did a wonderful job Rusty. Nice work for a first time. I couldn't tell you weren't used to writing horror. I don't really frighten easily anymore, but this gave me a jolt. It left me feeling scared for the man, because you know what's going to happen to the poor chap. Well, kind of. My impression is dad is going to come and rip that guys lips off. I'm going to stay in town where it's nice and safe. "You want to go shopping for antique furniture Ladee?" "No Thank You! I'm buying my wardrobe off of the show room floor!"

Well Done!
Thanks for the scare,
Ladee
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Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello DyrHearte!

I am Ladee and I have had the pleasure of random reviewing your story. Randoms are my favorites. The thrill of not knowing what will pop up is exciting.

Your story is quite lovely. Children are so innocent. I love "pesty men". So cute! That sounds like a child's interpretation.

It looks like you must have hit the return key in your writing fervor in the fourth paragraph. The last sentence is disjointed. It's hardly worth mentioning, since I'm sure that is something you would see when you reread your work.

The sentence, "Oh no! Don't be sad and cry. .." Was the little girl telling the angel not to cry or was she telling herself? That is a little unclear to me.

I have enjoyed reading your story.
I hope you never stop writing!
Thanks for sharing!

Ladee
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Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Steph Bee!

I am Ladee.I found your template very helpful. I am new to reviewing and am trying to learn what I can. For this reason, I plan to review your three action/adventure stories using your template.

Plot

The story started out with a stressful truck ride. Already I was waiting for something to happen. The events followed one into the next building tension.

Pace

The action was brisk from beginning to end. From the cutting look until the soggy man was identified as a British officer.

Setting

The description of the foliage and the condition of the road gave me a sense of where this all took place. The date and history gave me the time period to better picture the style.

Hero

The character was a prisoner. From the beginning I felt for him. I learned of the character's desire for escape and had no doubt he would succeed, for he was brave and strong. I wasn't sure whether he would sneak away or use the direct approach, but I could feel his fortitude to accomplish it.

Complications

Throughout the story he had to watch how he moved, from the smallest action to the most strenuous. I saw this man as rugged, weary and struggling. The lithe dolphin visual didn't jibe for me. It took me away from my thirst for him to make it across the expanse of water.

I quite enjoyed this story
Thank you for the journey!
Ladee
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Review of THE BOTTLE  
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello nhlanhla,

I am Ladee. I have had the pleasure of reading your story through a random review. Randoms are my fave!.

Wow, what a hard sad life. I really felt for this girl. I only hope she gets out of her bottle. You were using the bottle as a metaphor correct? I wasn't quite sure throughout the story what the bottle was exactly. There were times when I would get a bit lost, because it wasn't clear to whom you were referring. For instance, she had a baby and then "they started to fight constantly...." For a moment I thought you meant the baby and her.

With some editing and more insight into some aspects of the events I could see this being a real tear-jerker. Don't ever stop writing. I can see you improving and sucking us all in with salty wetness splashing on our keyboards.

Thank you for sharing your story,
Ladee
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49
Review of The Maze  
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi Geoff!

I am Ladee and I have had the pleasure of reviewing your "very short story".

I would like to know more about the gentleman that walked with you. What was he wearing? Did he smell bad? Any features that stood out? How did the two of you separate? I have met and talked with people like him. Those that I have met are very interesting creatures indeed. I would like to get to know this guy.

I find the sentence "He just walked right up to me and started talking.", a little too wordy perhaps. The two words "just" and "right" are conveying the same thing, I think one of those words could go and the sentence would sound better. I think it's the word "just" that needs to go.

I love that you were able to capture his dialect. I could hear him talking as if he were talking to me. Very nice!

I hope I have helped
Thanks for the journey,
Ladee
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50
Review by Ladee Caid
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Valleyboy!

Hahahahahahaha! I thoroughly enjoyed reading that!

Did the caller have to yell at the mother at times? For instance, in my head Paul was yelling at his mother to turn the phone around, but the text didn't indicate that. I know it isn't much, but I hope it helps.

That was really fun to read. I can't wait to see what else you have.

Thanks for sharing!
Ladee
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