*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lasardaddy
Review Requests: ON
127 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 ... Next
1
1
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

I liked that little story. It brought back several memories of that happening in my life.

I loved the twist you used. I did not get that Buddy was a dog until the kid with sticky hands grabbed him. I also didn’t get that Lola was a dog until I reread it and caught the shoulder bump, a common thing among some dogs. I missed the “breaking in a new mailman” too until I reread it.

Good work, keep on writing.

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s a wonderful place to hang out.

Paul🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of Red Gold  
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,

That is was very good. You caught me with the iron chips and just never let go. I was married for 45 years before she died and there were several “Red Gold” experiences during those years. Sometimes a lie does carry more truth and meaning that correct facts. More love and caring too in my experience.

Thank you for sharing your words with us. I appreciate the memories they evoked.

Paul🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Picnic Memories  
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,

I’m a navy vet, 1959 - 1963, I was in Subic Bay in the Philippines new years eve 1960.

I like your story. It tells a tale that I can live in for a while. My wife of 45 years died 4 years ago and this pulled up memories of her finding me. I have never been able to ask a girl out the first time. 2nd time, no problem, but they must ask first. When they found me they hung around, 45 years is the record for me.

One place made me stop to think. You wrote, “She made him want to be corny. He smiled, unknowingly.” I’m not sure I understand what you meant. They seem like unnecessary words. If you eliminate them her following question sets the whole thing up it reads more natural too.

Good banter between them, it reminds me of getting to know my wife. Also, I haven’t heard the word “Corny” in a very long time. Thank you for using it.

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s a wonderful place to hang out.

Paul🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,

Thank you for sharing those thoughts. I have 3 daughters and one of them went through the cutting. 8 grand daughters too and 3 of them did it. I was confined for a month for evaluation, by state law in California. All but 1, she’s still just 19, of them are successful business women now. My youngest daughter is 44 and my oldest grand daughter is 39.

To me, being an old white fart, it reads like a dump from a late teens female mind, much like what I saw and heard. It also puts forth the “Cleaning” concept which fits exactly into how I feel about all life. “I’m in charge of Me, no other one or no other thing in the universe gets to decide who I am.” Every preacher and politician on the planet wants control, pretty much “Everyone” actually.

Do it like this! Don’t do that! Believe this fantasy! Think like this! Stand now! Sit now! All language to take away who you are and put them in place instead. Screw them!

Thank you again. I appreciate the Cleaning thought. They want to sweep me away so they can live there.

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s a wonderful place to hang out.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of A Lesson in Love  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

I like this little story. It’s a powerful lesson in life, not just love. I particularly liked the ending, Bill is a self centered male that doesn’t deserve her or anyone else.

The only thing that made a blip in the story was the line, “What's happening, Bill?" the name, Bill, feels forced. We know it’s Bill, the first sentence tells us, and if they’re buddies like the rest of the dialog makes clear, what’s happening would sound better in my mind. The piece isn’t long enough to catch some of the other nuances.

I loved the last sentence. What a marvelous twist. Bill deserved every bit of that.

Thank you for sharing your words with us. Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s a wonderful place to hang out.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,

I like your poem. I’ll be 77 in July and I’ve spent days, maybe months, contemplating every one of those thoughts along with a string of others I thought of. The title caught my attention and your words kept me wanting more.

The only thing that jarred me was , “And imagined all the possible worlds, That each burning gaseous light might beget.” Might Beget implies they haven’t and they’ve been working at it for 14 billion years or so. Our solar system is only 5 billion years old. “...could have...” adds a lot of past to it. Just my thoughts because it did stop me.

I think it flows smoothly. Your “...I ran ahead of time...” scene took me back 70 years to catching lightning bugs with my cousin. She and I had a lot of fun together. Thank you for prompting that memory.

Your last paragraph is beautiful. It puts words to exactly what I feel. Thank you again.

Very good.

Thank you for sharing your words with us. Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s a wonderful place to hang out.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of Dinner al fresco  
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,

I like your story. It’s a cute retell of the vampire legend, with a little twist. I rather like the simple ‘bash their head in’ instead of the paralyzing gaze or bite. Much simpler.

I love the ‘al fresco’ title.

Your words painted vivid images for me. I could Feel his cold standing there at the towers top. What was he expecting though? A ‘rare viewing opportunity’ doesn’t feel strong enough to draw him to the top of the tower.

Your last paragraph is wonderful. ‘The usual order’ implies habitual behavior, so this is very common and ‘Plump Yanks’ is perfect, it implies a lot of that habitual behavior was with plump yanks. Very well done.

Thank you for sharing your words with us. Stay safe and enjoy life.

Paul🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review of Que sera sera  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi,

I enjoyed your story. Having a dog attach to you like that is a different experience and I think you described the process well. It reads like a true story and my thoughts are you may as well give in and accept the inevitable. I didn’t once a long time ago and I still regret it.

One or to niggling things. In your 2nd line “rest” should most likely read “rests.”

The sentence where you say, “She was never good with people. Now her animals ... then, it is another story.” is difficult to not stumble over. I had to read it a couple times to really understand. Maybe something like “...Now her animals, but that’s a different story.”

Thank you for sharing your words with us.

Stay safe and enjoy this beautiful life.

Paul🐸



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of Oh My Riser!  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.0)
Yeast.

Everything in one paragraph makes for more difficult reading.

It’s a cute story and having been a home brewer for years it hit close to me.

Thank you for sharing your words with us. Stay safe and enjoy life.

Paul🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of Dinner Plans  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really liked that. Your implication carries through and the smoke at the end nails it squarely. Beautifully done.

Thank you for your words. I truly enjoyed them.

Paul🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi,

First, I like your story for the message you’re trying to impart. Having had 6 kids and them giving me 17 grand kids I do understand. Mostly things worked out, but one 18 year old still thinks an attack is the best defense. It is in an impersonal war where you never face the enemy close, but not in family or close social matters.

In the first paragraph you switch time frames from present to past then back to present. This is very confusing to readers. You also switch between third and first person and back which adds another layer of confusion.

You do that through your story switching from your brother being an annoying child (I had 2 of them) to having a Water Polo scholarship and back. The story does not have to be told in linear fashion, but you need to make it very clear when its current time or backstory.

Having been through all the teens I have there are NO words that offend me so your use of “s***” and “f***” here is no bother and I would encourage you to retain them, but there are more skillful ways to use them. Build your case more slowly using your words to evoke the emotion you want then hit them with a stand alone sentence like, “You need to stop that s***!” It has much more impact when its unexpected.

You’ll find that’s true for life, not just writing about it, but living it. Listening to some butt wipe politician or religious leader tell me how I should live my life, then saying, “I decide how I live my life, not you.” Then simply turning and walking away is more effective than simply yelling “f*** off!” at them. Been there.

I’ll stop and give you a chance to think about it. I wish all the good fortune you can get with the problem you’re outlining. I’ve suffered several similar problems in my 76 years.

Oh, I like cats and echidnas too. My yellow eyed black died several years ago, but I still have a beautiful, 14 year old Siamese. When she dies I’m to old to have another. I don’t want to leave a close pet when I die. No, I’m not dying any faster than normal.

Keep writing and take as many classes as you can. Just do not stop.

Thank you for sharing your words with us and I hope to read more.

Paul🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of Memories  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

I liked that. I wasn’t familiar with the form, but it evoked memories from 70 years ago at 6 standing in my grammas kitchen heated by her wood burning stove waiting for the first loaf of her incredible bread. She churned her own butter too, with a few hours of my effort pumping on that old wooden churn. It was a trip to paradise eating the first slice of that buttered bread.

She taught me how to iron with irons heated on that stove too. I could barely lift it, but she was patient and I didn’t burn myself or the clothes to often. I learned later all she let me iron were rags until I learned how to not burn them.

I loved my gramma, I still miss her 55 years later.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for that story.

Alzheimer’s and Dementia are horrible things. They rob us of who and what we are. I walked my wife of 45 years to her final door 4 years ago and she couldn’t remember us getting married and most of our large family.

At “...flat, cloudy blue eyes...” I burst into tears and they’re dripping on my tablet as I write this.

Thank you so much for throwing all those years of wonder and some ties sadness, but mostly the love we shared.

Paul🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

That is quite good, it expresses my feelings about roller coasters and all other carnival rides, except bumper cars, I love them. I used to love roller coasters and many of the others, but not any more. Somewhere around 35 I watched a video of one one losing a car full of people and decided they were a death trap set up by evil demons. That was 41 years ago.

Your wording is well done and kept me reading until the end. I liked your end too, it leaves the story open for me to add all of the terror I want to finish it.

Only a couple little things. Where you refer to her scream “...tears it way through my chest.” That brings a rather bloody image to my mind, maybe “...out of my chest.” Also “...thousand mile-an-hour speed.” doesn’t need the word “speed.”

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Paul🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review of The Habit  
Review by Paul
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi,

I love this’s a marvelous little story.

Your words got a firm grip on my insides and TWISTED to the point of almost sickness. My desire is to be able to do that with words. Make them cry in despair, laugh with joy, scream with a burning rage and settle back into a warm, comfortable lap, all in one sentence. Well, maybe a paragraph.

The picture you painted for your opening was so real I almost stopped reading, I don’t read those types. Then I remembered a story like that wouldn’t be published here.

What incredible twists, first the pounce in the attack, but putting his life at risk to save the girl then the girl comforting him. That lead me to think he’ll die with a change of heart, but that’s the next twist; he dies thinking he’s still going to get the little girl. He just falls asleep bleeding to death.

He’ll be remembered as a hero by the little girl and everyone else. Newspaper articles, the whole ball of wax. But all he really was, right to the last seconds, was what he was: A child molester. Even the act of pushing the little girl to safety was a selfish act, he was saving her for himself.

I still feel outraged at him and hope he’d fry in hell if there was one — about a “Fantasy” character.

That was very good and I enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing your words.

Paul🐸.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review of Stranded  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

That was very good. You built the story well with the dialog then twisted the whole thing at the end with 3 lines. It got a laugh out of me with the total turn about.

Who’s crazy?

Stay safe and enjoy life.

Paul🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review of Alfie & The Cake  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

I liked that a little t. It’s a cute story from a dogs point of view. You handled the scatter-brained “Immediacy” of a dogs world well, the jumping from one thing to the next as attention moves around. I loved the “...baking is not Rachael’s strong point.” line, it’s perfect. The the immediate return to being anxious about a walk.

The cats a god though so it’s response is imperious. It probably would never eat cake anyway.

Than you for sharing your story with us. All I have is praise for the way you handled it. I write anthropomorphic stories and I’ll study what you did for technique.

Thank you again. Stay safe and enjoy life.

Paul🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

I like that a lot. I’ve never considered laundry as a metaphor for life and my inner psyche, but I think it’s a good one. I be been doing my own laundry since I learned to wash using a tub and washboard and to iron with a real “Iron” that my grandma heated on a cast iron wood burning stove somewhere around 1948 or 49. “I am older than sex, just not quite as old as dirt.”

Creative Writing is a phenomenal world and the journey is essentially a lonely one living in your own mind, but we can pop up here and share the experience periodically.

Stay safe and enjoy life.
Paul🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review of I love you  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

That is so sad. You made me feel the pain they feel. It could be a man or a woman feeling that. I’ve felt it in some measure a few times.

There are a couple filler words you could throw away and word changes you could make that would evoke images in the readers mind that would add to the impact.

Very good. Thank you for sharing your words and thoughts with us.

Stay safe and enjoy life. It’s a wonderful place to be.

Paul🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review of AMERICAN IDOL  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

I enjoyed that. It’s well written and reads like the reminiscences of a man in his late 59’s or 60’s that he’s been through more than once, finding himself lacking in everything that makes up life, but desperately clinging to the one thing he knows he can do.

“And you’ll all stare in admiration and envy.”

What a perfect end to the story. My only comment, other than praise, would be to let that be your last line, a single stand alone line. I think the rest detracts from the statement the story makes.

He did attract and keep a wife adhildren and does do something well eough to get paid for it’s he can have a family. That’s not an insignificant accomplishment.

Other than play an instrument I can and have done every other thing mentioned. My hidden talent is I can wiggle my nose. Maybe that’ll be me thinking that line on day

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I enjoyed it.

Stay safe and enjoy life.

Paul🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

Very nice little story and it made me laugh with the punch line. I suspected that but you talked me out of “Cake” in the middle somewhere. Having 6 kids and 17 grandkids I’ve been through similar things, but not that one. I just taught my 18 year old grand son to flour the pan so the cake doesn’t stick. My assumption is that Barbara is mom and Jacky is a younger sister of Trill.

I liked the fight vs knead too, it’s also something I’ve experienced.

Good work and thank you for sharing your story with us.

Stay safe and enjoy life.

Paul🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

I enjoyed that a great deal. It brought back memories from 1959 when I was in that line on North Island Naval base going through boot camp and getting ready to go in and spend a couple minutes in that chamber. I didn’t hesitate and I remember it was a painful experience and was absolutely required.

The hesitation about crying is understandable, I had a similar experience with crying, but not then. Everyone who came out was crying and we couldn’t see one another anyway. I loved the confusion with flatulence. It made me laugh when I read it.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Stay safe and enjoy life. I find I get a lot more writing done when I’m enjoying it.

Paul🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review of Dear Mom and Dad  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

A nice little story, it brought back memories from cub scouts almost 70 years ago and I enjoyed it. I wanted to go and wasn’t plagued by the macabre, it wasn’t as prevelant then as now. I was an avid reader and smuggled a couple dozen SciFy paper back and pulp mags in and read with a lantern. Friends weren’t a problem.

The only suggestions I’d make are; Where he tells his parents he’s met a couple kids have him say something about them possibly becoming friends. I don’t think it’s implied well enough in the story.
Also I think “...we dealt with were mosquitoes.” Save yourself 3 unnecessary words. And, “...not sure what he could say.” He’s writing present tense and it’s in the past, maybe “...have said.” The character strikes me as an intelligent teen and would not write perfectly, but he’d be a lot better than most.

Thank you for sharing your words with us.

Stay safe and enjoy life. Ive found a great deal more writing gets done when I enjoy life.

Paul🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review of Charity's Destiny  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

A cute little story with a neat twist of interpretation at the end. Destiny is the path you chose to walk. It’s controllable by youfae is the inevitability of what is to happen and you can’t control it. Both Are your fortune in life. Your destiny is how you chose to approach your fate.

Your last sentence confuses me. She ...”never really believed...” implies there was an inkling of belief which makes me think it was a conscious disregard of “Fortune.”

One small technical point about “...upside down on the box...” implies to me that they’ll as sitting “On” the box, but the sentence implies that the Large bowl sat “Over” the box.

Thank you for sharing your words with us. I enjoyed reading it. It provoked thoughts and te wonder of meaning me. I love wrds and firml believe Hey are or true gods.
Paul🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for those very true words. I appreciate every effort anyone spends reading and reviewing my efforts and say so to everyone that does.

I’ve received only one or two reviews that didn’t teach me something.

Thank you again.

Paul🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
79 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 4 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lasardaddy