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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lasardaddy
Review Requests: ON
175 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

It mostly depends on how old you are when you’re told. You, At whatever age you are, would make totally different choices than me at 78. Most likely the need to be remembered in the way you want hasn’t been satisfied yet. For me I know how I’ll be remembered and it’s to late for me to make big changes to it. I’ve worked hard at that thought because of my grampa Bruce. Everyone liked him and that’s the place I’ve always wanted to be. Well, always since I figured it out. They had to move his funeral to the cemetery to accommodate the over 5,000 people that attended.

I don’t know everyone in town like he’d did though. (sigh)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of Attentive Care  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

I liked your story. It has a soft comforting feel when I read it.

There are a couple things I’ll mention. First, put more white space in the text, it makes it a much easier read. Also either indent each first paragraph line or put a blank line between them, again, it makes the reading a lot easier.

Also you could really tighten up the story by Telling less and Showing more. For instance the first paragraph rewritten to “Show” could be;

“Hazel thought she could hear sand grit scraping as she opened her eyes. Squinting eyes saw a heavy, wet snow falling outside the window to the right, the kind that stuck to your boots and turned into huge, clumsy ice feet that tripped you.” It’s only 44 vs 48 words and pulls the reader into her emotions by letting them add all the other details. These are my words and only a suggestion. It is your story and you should use your words.

There are other instances too, but this is an example.

Again, I enjoyed the story. Keep writing, this is a wonderful place to be. Very safe and many who will answer questions and help.

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a wonderful place to hang out.

Paul
🙏🏼🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

Thank you for sharing your words with us.

I like this piece, it gives a warm comfort to me that’s difficult to explain. It tells of the myriad of different stories to be heard in the garden of stones, if you’d only stop and listen.

The only comment I’d make is that breaking it into several paragraphs would make it a smoother read to me.

At, “...Lies so cold. (Paragraph) Those letters...” because it’s a shift in view. Also at! “...wings of angels. (Paragraph) Then the days...” because it’s a shift in view too.

I also think the last line as a single quoted line would add power to it.

These are my opinion only. Use them as you wish, it is your work, not mine.

Thank you again. I’ve reread it several times and enjoyed it. I’m an actor and I go into the theater early just to lie on the dark stage and listen to the ghosts. Every theater has at least one ghost. I’ve stood in grave yards listening too, touching the stones or putting my hands on the grave. Listening to whispers from the past is very calming too me.

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a wonderful place to hang out.
Paul
🙏🏼🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of Celtic Design  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

That’s very good, being a Scott by birth I like the Celtic traditions. I only wear kilts too, I don’t even own a pair of long-sleeved diapers.

One thing I saw you might want to look at before closing time is the repetition of “...black space...” we already know he’s in black space. For me it interrupted the flow.

Just a thought I thought I’d pass on.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a wonderful place to hang out.
Paul
🙏🏼🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of My Mother's Hands  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

Thank you for sharing your poem with us.

That touched me on a very deep level. In my mind you wrote about my mother. She’s been gone for 31 years, but I still expect her to walk around a corner and say, “Where have you been?” I lie at night sometimes staring into the black void and think about her and everything she did for me and taught me. She had very bad arthritis though and her very wrinkled hands were just knots on the ends of her arms for the last 8 or so years.

I found no technical problems.

Thank you very much for those words.

Paul


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of Grammie Daycare  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

That was very good. I enjoyed the turn she made. I love doing silly things with my grand kids, so far no corn puffs though.

Thank you for sharing it and congratulations for winning.

Paul
🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of Rana  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

I love it. I haven’t thought about Harvey in many years. Jimmy Stewart was a favorite of mine, and Harvey taught me several important things about life. Mostly, live your life, not the one others want you to.

Thank you for that rememberance.

Paul
🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review of Good Friend  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

I like it, especially the twist at the end. Not an enviable position to be in, especially since he’s lying about it.

One thing you can fix before judging would be, “But it late, and it was Alice.” Shouldn’t it read, “But it was late, and it was Alice.”

Good fortune to you.

Paul
🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review by Paul
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi,

That was a wonderful little piece and being an avid stage actor for years and well over a hundred productions that pretty much happened to me when I played Bill Simpson, Gary Merrill’s part in All About Eve, my first stage play. The scene where the ingenue came on to Simpson was difficult, I adored my wife and it seemed wrong to me so it was always clunky until my wife took the young woman playing Eve aside and told her, “Just grab his face and lay one on him.” It startled me into stammering and backing away and the 30 or so people watching applauded, whistled, yelled approval and the director said, “Keep it exactly like that!” I learned how to not expect what I knew was coming from that scene.

I can’t find anything to criticize in it. It caught my mind and took me back to 1977 and doing that play. My wife, gone 5 years now after 45 together, flooded back in and I got to live there for a short time. Thank you so much for that.

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s a wonderful place to hang out.

Paul
🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of The Dog  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,

I love this and I knew you’d won when I read it. Good for you. I enjoy your stories, and many others too. With 6 kids and 17 grand kids I have a LOT of anecdotal images and dialog in my mind and write about kids a lot. I’m editing a story for submission to an international magazine contest about a homeless guy who’s dog died and finding a little white mouse as another companion because, “Life’s a lot easier when you have someone who loves you that you can love back.” A quote from him.

I get a lot of enjoyment doing the flash fiction.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s a wonderful place to hang out.

Paul
🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of Our Father  
Review by Paul
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi,

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Your first paragraph threw me, until I realized her “Father” was the catholic church. That was very good deflection of my attention.

Each segment of her life set up the twist at the end. I agree that the real horror lies much more in what’s not said and you’ve handled that very well. How incredibly sad that story makes me feel, her abandonment by what she felt was her “Father.”

Being a father of 6 and grandfather of 17 I’ve been through this with a gay son, a daughter who doesn’t believe in monogamy, 2 lesbian and 1 gender ambiguous grand daughters and a grandson or two that are undecided yet. I’ll never abandon any of them.

I finished her story in my mind and she grew to be very strong, found a life partner and lived a happy life, shy of any further father involvement.

Thank you for sharing your story, it produced warm feelings in me thinking about my family and the differences. All the flavor and texture of life are in the differences, not the sameness.

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s a wonderful place to hang out.

Paul🐸



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of White Picket  
Review by Paul
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi,

Thank you for sharing your story. Even with the dark theme I enjoyed reading it. Your descriptive language is good, I could pull it around me a feel the story. The use of Munch’s Scream as an image for her face was perfect, I could see and feel it. Also describing her fear as “...rancid, dull paint...” generated an image that engaged my mind.

You tend to use extra words like “Cold” in the first sentence. You say the snow was cold then said “...in the frigid night.” Frigid makes me feel frozen, cold means I need a sweater. Also, shouldn’t it be “Internal” heat, not “Infernal?” It’s her body heat melting the snow.

“She cried in despair.” is a weak sentence. Something like, “The silent sobs bobbing her hunched back with her face contorted into an Edvard Munch Scream showed her total despair.” a Suggestion only in my words, rewrite it in yours if you keep it.

You tell me she’s staring at the fence twice.

Her face could be crusted with or shrouded with a crust of frost, but pickled took me out of the story.

A few others too, but your last sentence feels weak to me. First, you change case from past to present, “She should have been more, but she wasn't.” should is past and wasn’t is present. She CAN’T be “Wasn’t “ though, she’s dead. Maybe, “She could have been more, but she hadn’t been.”

You did have me woven into her plight, the finding her body statement evoked sadness in me. I also felt tremendous sadness for her because of her total immersion of herself in him. She suffered all of his Blame and punishment for him. Women are stronger than men. The only power a man has over a woman is physical strength.

Overall, quite good. Keep up the good work.

Thank you again for sharing your story with us. Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s a wonderful place to hang out.

Paul🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of The Coroner  
Review by Paul
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi,

Thank you for sharing your words with us.

I like the premise and the main character so far. He’s the kind of hero I like to read about. It reminds me of Wesley Snipes half-vampire and I’m wondering if you’ll reveal where he got his powers of strength and healing. Are there many more?

A couple things I noticed;

The spacing of paragraphs makes reading it more difficult. I’d recommend MLA formatting or a single blank line between them. You can always format it differently.

You start a prolog but never indicate the story start.

You spend a lot of words explicitly describing each character. It’s much more effective to give little description and let the audience build their own pictures. Describing him as a six and a half foot tall hulk of a man gives me more of a feeling of his power than all the other words. We’ve all seen enough TV and movies to know what street gangs dress like and for her maybe ‘petite with a leather jacket clutching a purse. Her belly button showed.’ I can build a vivid picture from that.

Also you repeat things, you tell me twice the light they're standing under is on.

There are more, but too much at once is not a help. These are my observations and opinions and intended as a help.

It’s a good story line so far and could turn into a good book. There is a tremendous amount of good and bad advice on writing on the net, more good than bad. A great deal is free, but quite a few famous authors like James Patterson sell courses. One of my favorites are MOOCs, free courses offered by some fine universities like Iowa State.

I wish you good fortune with your writing.

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s a wonderful place to hang out.

Paul
🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of Are We There Yet?  
Review by Paul
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi,

I like your story, I’m a SF nutcase from when I forced my mother to read Oz to me until I learned to read in 1948. I was 6 and I’ve never stopped. Now I’m trying to learn the craft.

The concept is neat, and very sad. Pretty much a standard cryogenic-spaceship story, until the twist. You hid that well, leading my mind down the “two sexy women” path. The reveal was done well too. You didn’t let him get maudlin about it, it’s just what happened and Jacob’s obviously learned to deal with it. My guess is he knows he’ll die before they get there. If not he’ll be a doddering 89 year old.

A couple minor things. The first sentence doesn’t need the word “Contained,” it reads easier to me without it. I’ve been trained to eliminate unnecessary words. I still do it though.

Why “summarily” revived? There will have been many plans on how to revive a sleeping crew and passengers. Again, unnecessary, but it also throws a negative feeling over it, like they were prisoners being sent.

Also, your words, “..., just not like you thought.“ might covey a deeper reader connection with “..., lie you’d planned.” That brings all the preflight planning of the family and what they expected the outcome of the voyage to be like.

A very good little piece of flash-fiction. I love the format too, but I love dialog so most of mine are all, or mostly, that.

Thank you for sharing you story with us.

Stay safe and enjoy life.

Paul
🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review of There and Back  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

This is very good. It imparts emotion quickly and deeply. It effected me on a very deep level because I walked my wife to deaths door in a similar manner. Your first paragraph pulled me in completely and I lived that with him. Very good description of those final moments.

The “Feeling” I got from the story was they were shape-shifters, lycanthropes maybe, but your mention of a squadron confused me a bit.

Again, very good story telling in very few words.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Stay safe and enjoy life. Congratulations on winning too. It is the best.

Paul
🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review of The Old Man  
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

I enjoyed this a great deal. It brought tears to my eyes and made me wonder about other parts of “The Old Mans” story. Who was she? Did the children walking past remind him of his? What was significant about the necklace? I was struck by the kindness of the drug store clerk or owner too, he was a kind, gentle man. I wonder what he did with the old mans “Treasures.”

Thank you again.

Paul
🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review of It Happens  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

That is a wonderful little story. All I can say about it is, “I love it!” I remember going through that around 11 years old when girls became alien beings. I was the oldest of three brothers though and didn’t have an older sister to tell me. It took me a few years to figure it out.

Thank you for sharing that story.

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s a wonderful place to hang out.

Paul
🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of June 14--Gun  
Review by Paul
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi,

I enjoyed this little moment in a life you describe. You pulled me into her world, all of the pain she suffered living in the doldrums for two years, then the glorious moment of success. For me it all takes place in a couple seconds in her mind.

I see the after story too, the hassle with the police. While they were ineffective because he had done nothing to her, she has definitely done something to him and will have to defend her actions. I think because of the history and that he has a gun in his hand she walks away free with her head held up, looking forward now, instead of fearful over the shoulder glances.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s a wonderful place to hang out.

Paul
🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review of Chubby's Place  
Review by Paul
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi,

I liked that, it’s a window into a life most will never know about. For a couple years I didn’t have any white friends, they were mostly Cherokee Nation Indians. It’s a laid back life style that I kind of like. There’s never any real need to hurry.

There were a couple things I noticed;
Your sentence reads, “... the drunkard old man ...”. Shouldn’t it be “... drunken old man ...” or simply “... the old drunkard.”

I did not understand “... the freight of women that ...” I’m not sure how many it would be other than a lot. I lived in Oklahoma for years and I never heard that expression.

It’s actually “... white PATENT leather ...”

Your dialect was very well done, and sentence structure read well too. It was very believable and took me back to memories I’d forgotten. People I knew in the late sixties who still had dirt floors in their houses. Thank you for those memories.

I enjoyed the way you set up Henrietta personality after the war so you could use him to solve a major problem. I love your closing paragraph, the thick dust ties it back into the story in several places where the dust is mentioned.

Thank you for sharing your story. I like your open style, it reads like a story being told by a traveling raconteur.

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s a wonderful place to hang out.

Paul
🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review of Catch  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi,

I liked your story, it’s cute with a neat twist at the end. I enjoy stories that anthropomorphize and you have crabs and dogs in yours.

A couple things;

Your line, “Occasionally joggers ... noticed them,” is confusing, I’m not sure who doesn’t notice who.

Why, and how, would crabs be throwing a ‘Ball?’ A shell might work better and would play into your twisting end. It could be a couple human boys throwing a big shell.

Also if you change “... listen more carefully.” To “... gotta be more careful.” Then delete the line about crabs having ears your last line from the dog would be much more powerful. I think the dog saying it like “... when I got home from the beach I told my family all about seeing the crabs playing catch, but they just patted my head and said “Good Boy” as usual.

It could really hit home to hide the twist until the last line.

Very good little story. Keep on keeping on.

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s a wonderful place to hang out.

Paul
🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi,

That was very good, I enjoyed it from the start. You caught my attention with the first paragraph and cemented it with the third sentence in the second paragraph. You brought him in carefully, expanding his dementia to be a self destructive level that would hurt another.

The characters interactions played well, they were very believable. My initial assumption was he’d take her captive and try to keep her for his own, but your last sentence makes me think he killed her and intends to preserve her perceived unequaled beauty for himself.

I had to think about, “Her beauty captured and held in alabaster.” Alabaster is a marble and the only way to capture her beauty there would be to carve it. He capture her beauty in an Alabaster Look by preserving the corpse though.

Very well done, I enjoyed reading it.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Paul
🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review of Ooey Gooey  
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi,

I like your story, it’s into the SciFi/Horror theme I like.

You use a lot of “Glue” words, ones that seem necessary, but aren’t. As an example, your first two sentences could be combined into one which would still convey the meaning and save you several words. As a suggestion only; you say, “ George was working a double shift again at the graveyard. Of course, the person who was supposed to show up after his shift never came, so he had to keep on working.“ 32 words. If you modified it to something like, “ George was working a double shift again at the graveyard because his relief never showed up.” 16 words that tell the same facts saves you the other 16 for other ideas.

Your use of all the Scrapes and Scratches was confusing to me and slowed the story down. Consider something like, “... would fall, and there would be a seemingly endless scraping until winter came.”

The idea reminds me of the movie The Blob. Done first in 1958 then again in 1988 and I think Steven King wrote a half hour TV only version. I liked the 58 version the best.

Keep on writtin’. There are thousands of sites and authors that offer free information and advice. I’d also recommend one of the grammar checking programs as a help. I’ve used Autocrit.com for some time and it helps me find many things I overlook. Look at sites that offer MOOCs too, like here, http://www.distancelearningiwp.org/contact. It’s the University of Iowa International Writing Program. I’ve taken several, their free, and been helped tremendously. They have many past ones stored on line but I’d recommend live ones for the feedback.

Have fun and never stop.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Stay safe and enjoy life.

Paul
🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review of The Bob  
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,

I enjoyed your story, it was quite funny. The allusions for names you used got to me. Indamiddle was good, but Getmore 6 made me laugh. A worry that had first place in my mind for over 60 years, but at 77 has dropped several notches.

The only thing I noted that ou mighat think about is your line, “...but those shiny-sparkly things...” which goes against known data. The stars do not sparkle in the vacuum of space. The sparkle is caused by our atmosphere.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s a wonderful place to hang out.

Paul
🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review of On A Park Bench  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

I liked that a lot. I’m still laughing at their conversation. Being 77 and needing new ears (I got programmable ones) I can relate to their verbiage.

I thought the interplay was great with each in their own little worlds and refusing to accept their situation. I can relate to that too being crippled too.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m still laughing at their back and forth. Very good putting that together.

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s a wonderful place to hang out.

Paul
🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review of Visual Poetry  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,

That is very well done and expresses the site. It’s a site about words and all of those words tell part of its story. Mostly it’s the people who maintain it and I tell them that at every opportunity.

This is a beautiful way to show it. It might be well for them to want to use it.

Thank you for sharing your work with us. Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s a wonderful place to hang out.

Paul
🐸
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