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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lasardaddy
Review Requests: ON
225 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Daphne Doolittle  
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi,

Thank you for sharing your words with us.

I liked the story, tales of Karma working appeal to me.

I was confused by your opening where you talk about your dominate mother in law, then Daphne takes over and is the antagonist. The first two lines make me believe her father is still alive. It’s not his house any more, it’s hers. And if she “Rules” why does Daphne dominate?

I liked the twist of the punishment. It makes me believe in Karma when I read twists like that.

I have an avid dislike for people like Daphne. You brought out her character quite well, I had no trouble developing a dislike for her. I had no problem with Oriana’s character either. You handled the “Cinderella” aspects well.

Thank you again. Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a wonderful place to hang out.

Paul
💐🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of Humans  
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi,

Thank you for sharing your words with us.

I enjoy writing dialog and reading it, you can pass along a lot of information that way that would just be a data-dump in any other form. I think you write it well.

I enjoy tales about Changelings like Vampires and Werewolfs, especially ones that portray them as thinking entities rather than ravening beasts. A favorite that I can’t remember title or author of had the werewolf fighting against the Axis powers in Europe during WWII. He saved innocent people from them.

One thing that caught my mind were the sentences you begin with an ellipse. To my mind an ellipse indicates broken thought or interruption during dialog and using them at the beginning without any indication of previous dialog or thoughts is confusing to me, I had to reread the section several times to understand. You might consider changing that for clarity.

The only other thing I saw was what looks like a typo, an extra character. Remove the “… a …”from the sentence, “I didn't a actually call you a freak…”

Thank you again, I enjoyed the story.

Paul
💐🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review by Paul
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi,

All I can say is, “I love it!” I agree with everything you say and the truly sad thing is that your poem applies to 99% of the people in power who we should be able to rely on for protection, the politicians and the preachers. Both have a vested interest in keeping us ignorant. You can’t control an educated population and both areas require ignorance.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
Paul
💐🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

I really enjoyed your story.

Two suggestions that in my opinion would improve the tale. Start a new paragraph when you switch from her mothers voice to her thoughts, you’re introducing a change of view to another character. I’d also delete the line about the dream. We know she was dreaming and the impact of the tear sliding down her cheek says everything you want it too. The dream line draws impact from the tear. This is a very sad story.

Good work. Thank you again for sharing.
Stay safe and enjoy life
Paul
💐🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of The Big Catch  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

I liked the story and the rendering of the vernacular dialect in dialog was much what I remember from living in rural Oklahoma in my teens 60 or so years ago. I try for that too with limited (in my opinion) success.

The only minor technical problem I saw was the reference to “Casting Off.” It means to untie from the shore so your vessel floats free and he was already navigating between piles of tires and rusty barges. Something you couldn’t do with a line still attached to shore. I was in the navy for 6 years.

I enjoyed The Lady Of The Lake and Fishing Jim’s finding out he got what he wished for only to find it wasn’t what he thought it was. My thinking is he’s going to spend a long time regretting that while trying to catch his next wish.

Thank you again for a cute story.
Stay safe, healthy and enjoy life.
Paul
🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
I think that VERY rotund cat had something to do with it. They were laughing so hard at it waddling along they forgot their differences.
7
7
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
I picked Sunflower because of the way it turns to follow the life giving sun. I think we all need to understand that life is meant to be an ultimately enjoyable experience, not an ego satisfying and dominate experience.

I desire a world that understands being different doesn’t mean it’s automatically a bad thing, that accepts the differences, not fights them.
8
8
Review of The Original Move  
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,

An interesting story about a game that I’ve never been good at. I can see ahead when I design computer logic, but not in chess. I thoroughly enjoyed watching the series Queens Gambit on Netflix.

I could not find anything I would consider pointing out, it is well structured and tells a neat story. Having read a bunch of history though, I don’t think it was an original move.

Very well told story, I enjoyed it. I’m reading several others too.

Stay safe and enjoy life.
Paul
😁🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of Deadname  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

I liked your words a great deal and could find nothing technically out of place.

You captured me with the third sentence about the chest binder because one grand daughter used one until he could have them removed. He’s now a very happy young man, 21, but I have trouble using non-gender references. I try but screw it up a lot and apologize, but he says he gets it and is glad I approve of his choice. I’ll never truly understand a families reluctance to accept it.

My oldest son, 64 now, and 3 of my 6 grand daughters, 44 to 21, are gender non-conforming. I’m a 78 year old man and I’ve never been anything but supportive of their choices. I had a problem with my sons friends, but I got over that early and apologized to him several times for being a jerk about it and he’s always said it didn’t bother him because he knew I loved him anyway.

Thank you for putting that in this wonderful little story
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a great place to hang out.
Paul
🌹🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

I did not see any technical changes to mention.

I liked that tale a lot. I read a lot of stories about vampires, werewolves, witches, daemons, etc, but most follow the traditional characteristics and that gets tiresome. I’ve read a few about vampires that helped others because they had a conscience, but I can’t remember the titles or who wrote them. One with a wwerwolf during WW2 that helped, but I can’t remember it’s name either.

I liked the fact that Reginald was a reluctant vampire and tried to change. Gandolph was a neat character too, a real shyster it seems. Did he do this to others to become a landlord over many properties? Maybe sell each just for the money?

The end with Reginald having to live in an abandoned warehouse was a neat touch too.

Thank you again.
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a great place to hang out.
Paul
🧛‍♂️🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

You caught my attention with your first line and it drug me into your story. I only have two small suggestions and that is the word “Scuffle” is a verb and what, I assume it’s a she, is looking down at are the “Scuff” marks left by the scuffle. Also the word “Plangent” made me pause for several seconds before the meaning popped in. You might change that for the flow. These are my suggestions only and it is your story.

What I saw in my mind was a woman that lost a father she loved very deeply. The way you have her describe the snow made me feel the chill she referred to real. I felt cold too. Then her reference to immersing herself in memories to force thoughts of him out brought memories of me doing similar things for months after my wife of 45 years died. I had no problem relating to that.

Thank you again for this. I enjoyed reading it several times.
Stay safe and enjoy life.
Paul
🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

I could find nothing technical to comment on.

It’s a cute story, I’ve had a couple cats like that. The most aggressive and territorial were Siamese. My current one, Lilly, a 15 year old Siamese female can still back off a boxer. It’s hilarious watching the dog rear it’s head back and do a skittering backwards dance.

I’m kind of partial to the Weavers version, but I like Burl Ives too.

Thank you again


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of Night Thoughts  
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hi,

I really liked that short tale. I can find nothing I’d offer as advice or fault, and it read very smoothly.

The reason I wanted to comment is that it’s much like how I feel about my partner. My wife of 45 years snuggled against me like that and I always appreciated it. She snored like a HUGE diesel truck, but only turned over and started again if I tried rousing her. She also squirmed and twisted in her sleep and many times I woke with her feet in my face.

I have a new partner now, have for almost six years, but she doesn’t snore or squirm so my sleep is very peaceful. She also likes to snuggle and put her arm across me or hug me which I love. It’s a warm, fuzzy blanket of comfort I can snuggle into. I was 73 and she was 68 when we met and we both feel that what we have will last for as long as we survive. We both lost partners late in life and feel sorry for those that have no one to feel that comfort with.

Thank you for sharing that with me.

Stay safe and enjoy life.
Paul
🌹🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of That Moment  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (5.0)

Hi,

Thank you for sharing your story, I love it.

I have six kids and I remember that pattern vividly so I started with believing she was talking to her son. I’m 78 now and many of the memories are fading away. The last year my wife of 45 years was alive she could remember me, I was there taking care of her, but she’d forgotten me getting on my knees to ask her, and most of our life together. An incredibly sad time for me.

His, “I’ll think about it,” response started me wondering then his referral to her as Sandy and the smile convinced me it wasn’t her son. Her thinking about his response caused a major shift in my belief and the last line hit me like a freight train. I started to cry and still am. One of my daughters and her family lives with me and insists on taking me for appointments. I truly don’t need it, yet, but it makes her feel good and I love her being with me.

That is one of the sweetest and saddest things I’ve read in years. You laid it out perfectly. I’m terrified of getting to that point.

I can find nothing technically out of place.

Thank you again for posting it.
Stay safe and enjoy life.
Paul
🌹🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

Very good thoughts. Like the old saw says, “It’s much better to have memories than regrets when you get older.”

Hopefully your words will prompt some to wear masks and do the social distancing, because if too many don’t we won’t have a society to worry about the social aspects any more.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a great place to hang out.
Paul
🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review of Names  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

Cast one for Alex. I like it and one of my 7 grand daughters is Alex. A beautiful name for a beautiful girl.

The name is short for ALEXANDER, ALEXANDRA. Go here; https://www.behindthename.com/name/alex, for the full explanation.

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a great place to hang out.
Paul
🌹🐸🙏🏼
17
17
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like the picture. Seeing a dozen or more perform at the same time is an incredible experience. The drums and chanting get my heart really pumping and my whole body fills with energy. I came to understand the power of a War Dance.

I lived in north eastern Oklahoma for years. Mostly in Muskogee, Wagoner and Tahlequah, but 10 years in Sequoiah State Park when my mother was catering manager at Western Hills Lodge. I graduated from Northeastern State University in Tahlequah, the Cherokee nation capitol. For years all I had were Native American friends. White killer and Hayes were the two biggest local families and they had a blood feud going in the older members that had been going on for a hundred years. An interesting time. One brother has lived in Nowata, 50 miles north east of Tulsa, for the last 50 years.

I lived with my grandparents for a year from 10 to 11 in Summerfield, south eastern Oklahoma near Poteau and attended a 1 room school for my 5th or 6th grade.

I have been to many Pow Wow’s and sweat lodge ceremonies.

Thank you for sharing that image.
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a great place to hang out.
Paul
🌹🐸🙏🏼
18
18
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Cute, but an easy thing to do. There isn't one I wouldn’t do, but my mothers been dead for twenty years and I don’t have any of her underwear, I’d have to borrow a pair from my girlfriend.

I’m 78 and designed computers for 35 years, but I’m also an actor with 90 stage productions and a couple movies and TV shows so costumes don’t bother me. I also ONLY wear kilts, utility for every day because my Modern Dress Gordon kilt cost me a thousand dollars. I don’t even own a pair of long-sleeved diapers and I’m not a traditionalist, I was born in Washington, D.C. and I wear underwear anyway.
19
19
Review of Night Thoughts  
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

Hi,

I can not find anything that I think needs changing. Very good. A marvelous little bit of prose about love.

You caught me with “...her hand resting on my bony shoulder...” because that’s what my partner and I do. She rolls over against me and puts her arm across my chest and all of a sudden the world is okay again. It wakes me and I whisper, “Thank you.” and sometimes she’ll murmur “You’re Welcome,” but like in your words, I’m not sure she’s awake. She says it gives her comfort and she sleeps better. My wife of 45 years and I did that for all of those years before she died. Another found the emancipated bag-of-bones I’d become and convinced me I still had something worth saving and now she does that all the time. I love it.

“Life is a lot better when your with someone who loves you.”

Thank you again.
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a wonderful place to hang out.Paul
🌹🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,

That was beautiful, I’m still having trouble writing through the tears. All I can think about now is holding my wife’s hand and having to be drug away by my daughter. I kept saying, “But, she’s still warm.” She was 78 and I was 73. She’d been sick for a while and refused to admit it and an infection in her chest made it very hard to breathe. After me stopping everything, I owned a store, and staying home to try living for her for over a year I was sure she wouldn’t make it, but the reality hit me like a freight train. I’m convinced she finally just gave up fighting it.

Thank you for that wonderful story.

Stay safe and enjoy life.
Paul
🌹🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review of Dad  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

What a wonderful piece to read. I never had a father and I’m always moved by stories like yours. What a wonderful thing to write about your Dad. Thank you for sharing it.

Stay safe and enjoy life.
Paul
🌹🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

With 6 kids, 17 grand kids and 5 great grands and being much like the grandfather you describe I’ve been on the receiving end of a thousand of those looks.

It was a well written anecdote and I can find nothing to comment on except to say, “Thank you for bringing those memories to the surface.“

Stay safe and enjoy life.
Paul
💐🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review of Oil and Canvas  
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

I enjoyed it. It was well written and was captured by the first sentence. I wanted to know why he was struggling and out of breath. The next sentence explained that and added the question of why he was running.

Two things I noticed that might warrant another look. One was the line, “Well, I'm not stopping now, I said under my breath.” This is speech and I think it needs quotes around “ Well, I'm not stopping now,” the other was the line, "for at least five minutes." I’ve always been told the first word needs a capitol.

The story held together well Then the guards in the waking scene was a twist I didn’t expect. His reaction and the last line were spot on. It reminded me of a film I saw using Edward Munch’s painting, The Scream. A murderer tries to escape by going into what he thought was an idyllic scene, but winds up in the scream.

Thank you again for the story

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a great place to hang out.
Paul
🌹🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review of Clueless  
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hi,

I was encouraged to read by the second line with, “...feeling sorry for myself.” The Body Farm caught me next. I am familiar with how they work.

The line, “... Good talkin’ to you, and I hope you find Susan.” gave me a double take. That was a beautiful twist. I’ll probably copy that technique later. The other guy didn’t pick up on the fact he never mentioned her name. An addition of something where the farmer says he only comes to town to get what he can’t “out there” as a foreshadow would make the twist even more powerful. Maybe just a pause, “... once in awhile to... get things we can’t get out there.” The hesitation would be remembered by the reader or they’ll want to reread it to see if they missed a clue.

One thing that’s a mild irritation is the blue and red lines. It’s mildly confusing, I found myself skipping a line now and then because my eyes were looking for the same color.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a great place to hang out.
Paul
🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review of A Self Portrait  
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,

I enjoyed your story, it took me on a roller-coaster ride from the first paragraph where I decided I needed to know why an obvious dweller in current times would think a. Hand scribed and illustrated book written on vellum would have been hidden in an attic for centuries. I got no sense of place from the text and, being American, assumed the US. In England or Europe it would be possible.

My next thoughts were, “Wow, a redo of Wilde’s, A Picture Of Dorian Grey, then that it had been inverted and the picture stayed young while the artist aged. I had a bit of logical problem with him discovering the grey in his comb even though he obviously used a mirror. I vividly remember my first greys at 28 while combing my hair, I used a mirror too.

My thoughts at the end were they’d find a mistake in how he’d used the incantations, but your twist to the sisters caught me completely off guard. I loved that, it brought the tale to life in my mind. It brightened the story into a new thing for me, not just a retelling with a simple twist, but a whole new telling of the tale.

Thank you for sharing that with us.
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a great place to hang out.
Paul
🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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