Hi, that’s a marvelous little story and I love it. I like that you wrote it so the second character was androgynous so I could step in and live there for a few brief moments. Your words made it a very soft, loving experience for me. Thank you so much.
The only thing that caught my eye was in my opinion more white space would make it a slightly easier and better read. Also, most likely a typo, you say “.. fade with passing of years ..” and I think “... with the passing ...” reads better.
This is a wonderful little flash scene. I wish I’d thought of it. Your words grabbed my attention and did not let go. It was short and fast and so very sad.
the only thing I’d comment on is the title. It’s really not a “Miscommunication,” but a total “Disconnection.” There is no communication between them.
Thank you for sharing your words with us. I appreciate them.
That as beautiful, well, as beautiful as a description of the River Styx and the outer ring of hell can be. I’d pretty much decided what they were seeing, but wasn’t positive until you described her face and their parents fighting.
Your words wrapped themselves around me and pulled me through the whole thing. I hope to be able to do that one day.
Thank you for that story. I have no criticism of it.
I enjoyed your story. In many ways it brought out much of how I feel about life and women. I’m 76 and at a very young age my mother taught me to respect and treat women gently. Actually she taught me that Everyone deserves respect until they earn my disrespect.
I think you missed a word in the statement and, “...although this time it is some the ladies looks that linger...” should be “...is some of the ladies...”
I like your story. It takes a common theme of daemons and gods a gives a twist to the myths. Why couldn’t there be a daemon with a conscience. You present it well and it flows, but there are a couple of most likely typos;
“...never has a demon, no matter how strong, evil, twisted, or rich, has survived the ‘aid’ ...” and most likely should be, “...or rich, ever survived...”
“...careless person make the mistake...” should be “...made the mistake...”
”It could even be teenage punks grafatying some public monument or train car and accidentally painted my ...” should be either “...that accidentally painted my...” or “...accidentally painting my...”
“...whichever careless person make the mistake of...” should read “...person made the...”
The sentence, “The things I saw when I found her hurt and alone,” seems out of place in the paragraph it’s in. Maybe move it to the end where you talk about what he finds.
I’m not sure why you hyphenated wretch-ed and curs-ed, it’s distracting and made me wonder why not just use wretched and cursed.
There are glue words like “that” that can be removed to improve flow and save words. Also I think giving them both names will make them more prominent and pull readers in more closely.
Please take a look at the writing resources available, there are many and I found them helpful with my words. It’s a good story, I like your character, the daemon, he has a conscience. A good start for a larger story.
Thank you for sharing your words with us and keep on writing with a lot of reading and study of the craft thrown in. “Never give up, never give in,” when it comes to your writing.
That is a well written narrative of the time. I’m 76 and lived through it. I believed his messag. My mother taught me that everyone deserves respect and that there’s only one race; The human race.
I liked that a lot. I brought back many fond memories of standing in the flys waiting to go on stage, or being on stage listening to the burble of the audience wondering if I’d be there when the curtains opened. God, I loved that feeling of anxiousness, furiously going over lines with all those words streaming past my eyes like a ticker tape. I can feel the energy from the audience.
Is that really what the musician goes through? You wrote that like you’ve been there on more than one occasion. Your descriptive words were very well done.
One thing confused me. You refer to there being a cloth barrier on the right which means a closed curtain to me then the whole last sentence reads like the performance is starting and the curtain falls. It usually rises or opens to start and falls when it ends.
Thank you for sharing your words with us and all the memories they evoked in me.
I enjoyed your story, it’s a cute interaction between father and son, and is exactly how my 3 sons and 3 daughters and I interact. All of my 17 grand kids that are old enough to ‘play the game’ with me too.
Your words made me believe they’ve been through that and similar
little interactions many times. Thinking about it brought back many memories of those games.
Very good, I like it, it’s a glimpse of a few moments of her mind, maybe a couple of seconds, but what life changing things can happen in a couple seconds. I also like her strength, her ability to say, “I don’t want to, but I will.” With conviction.
An exclamation at the end might add a bit more power to that last statement.
I enjoyed the play of the scene shown through her mind. The way you showed how she hid reality and understanding behind things. Each situation playing like a different reality. Your words made feel sympathy for her, then for him at the end because he’s really taking care of, protecting her. I think he knows what she does.
One thing bothered me, the fact that she seems to keep the doll there to fool herself is well written, but it’s a train and they usually muck those out each day. Unless the doll is a figment of her fantasy too and not real.
One suggestion is to foreshadow the old man. Something like “... alone except for the USUAL sleeping ...”it reads like it happens all the time and may make the ending softer and more caring.
I love your poem. You’ve put together words that catch hold of me and cling, they get inside me and twist too. When you got to her dying alone in bed I started and couldn’t see through the tears by Merry Christmas.
I’m 76 now and went through what she explained while walking my wife of 45 years to that one way door. Alzheimer’s and dementia and I couldn’t leave her side for the last year. She died January 2015. I have few regrets, I did all those walks and play times and have years of memories, but they’re fading.
I have a new girlfriend, a widow that walked her husband there too, cancer, and at some point we’ll have to start thinking about that again, but not for as long as we can stay active and aware.
Thank you for sharing your words with us. It’s a powerful message and I hope many others read it too. There are word changes I’d make, but it is not mine, they’re your words. And, I don’t want too, I want to just enjoy it.
This is something every child should be taught, remember all those wonderful things you do and don’t dwell on the sad ones.
I like your story. It looks like a 500 word dialog only entry, one of my favorite contests. I like your dialog, it’s consistent and the voices are different so I had no trouble knowing who was talking. I still cant decide if the Non-Smiler is female or not.
The language lesson is beautiful and really punches the anthropomorphic aspect of it way up. It’s enjoyable reading pieces where objects or places are characters with a voice.
Your use of “manhandled” reads weak to me. The phrase, “Some (italics)Handled(italics off) me. It was awful.” punches the handling part and makes the follow on awfulness more powerful. It would show a lot more about the process and deepens the connection to the fact that the “Pumpkin” feels disgusted by the touch of a human.
“I saw on some of their things about something called pumpkin pie.” reads funny and stopped me to think about it. You may have left the thought dangle with an edit. “I saw markings on...” would make it flow in my mind and add the punch that pumpkins can read too.
Well done, a cute little story. Thank you for sharing your words with us. Stay safe and enjoy this beautiful life.
I guess my first and biggest comment is, “Wow! That has emotional content that grabbed my guts and twisted hard.” I’m still crying. It brings back memories I’d encapsulated years ago.
My promise is still alive, I’m 76 and she’s 75. A cousin I fell in love with at 15 and we talked, but in 1957 cousins didn’t do that and she was frightened about what the family would say. After 3 marriages her 4th is actually a non blood related cousin, they seem happy and I’m glad. I was happily married for 45 years before she died. I’ve never forgotten, but I had to hide my feelings for all those years.
There were a few word changes I’d make, but they’re YOUR words and it’s your poem, not mine, so I won’t say them here. They would seem to sully what you’ve given me; a beautiful memory.
Thank you for sharing your words with us. Stay safe and enjoy this beautiful life.
I enjoyed reading your words. Very few words, but the emotional content was tremendous. My initial thought, at the third sentence, was a hospital or psychiatric facility, but sentence four changed that to San Quentin. Your last two sentences defined what the chamber was. Your last six words drove the understanding deep.
That was very good. Thank you for sharing your words with us.
I like your words, they evoke memories and feeling of exactly what you describe. I’ve lived all over the world and I’ve experienced it many times. Right now I live in Windsor, California, 70 miles north of San Francisco and July rains are a rarity.
I really like your story. I have no negative comments or change suggestions, it’s a good story. I enjoyed the gender shift after whatever dystopian event you saw occurred. I’ve always thought women were stronger than men in almost every way, except physical strength. I was a power lifter and knew several that intimidated me.
Very good, thank you for sharing your words. I’m sending it to my 5 daughters and showing it to my girlfriend.
I liked that, it reminded me of my good fortune to have had 2 women find me well trained enough to keep me around. The first lasted 45 years before she died and the latest 3 1/2 years so far, but it’ll,last until one of us walks through that final door, I’m 76 and she’s 71.
The last two lines grabbed my insides. I gave my wife love and total acceptance and she gave me her world for 45 years. Now another found me and again I’ve given her total love and acceptance and she’s giving me a totally different world, hers. Thank you for those lines.
I did feel a bauble at the 2nd line, it doesn’t feel “Smooth” in my mind when I read it. “I laid on the Forest floor ...” reads harshly after “Last night I had a dream” you might look at something like,
“Lying on the forest floor, alive with moonlight. Your hand ...” A suggestion only because I feel the little bump.
Thank you again for sharing your lovely words with us.
That is very good. It took a grip on my emotions and wouldn’t let go. It’s a beautiful dedication to her.
I really enjoyed the metaphor of plucking feathers to describe the fading of a life. Thats what it was like watching my wife lose each piece of hers. Dementia is soul destroying for the one with it and those that have to stand hopeless watching. She eventually just stopped struggling and died in her sleep.
Thank you for sharing your words with us. They prompted me to post another poem I wrote somewhere in the last year. I can’t look at it too often because it rips at me. You might like it, “Fear Lives In Her Eyes Now.”
I like your story. It’s a cute little tale about accepting and being happy with what you have instead of bemoaning what you don’t. A fun idea to have a young woman be the soul of a fire truck. I would have liked to see a little of her new life and how she lives with it.
I did find the bright red and centered lines distracting. Also all the fires and shields icons.
I think this is a typo, “... affectionately which laughing hysterically.” should be “... while laughing ...”
I like your story. It points out a big problem in our society; the mans (infrequently the woman’s) inability to see that marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship or master/servent relationship.
"Daddy” in your story is disconnected with his family. I loved your wording around his saying "... help you learn about important things," and not understanding what the important things are. When mom says “All part of your education my little man,” it’s obvious that she does know what’s important. Beautiful irony.
The sentence at the end when she says “... and getting those other things on dads list," carries tremendous weight, it proves Dads disconnect and shows the domineering side of him. My impression at that point is, he wrote the list and gave it to her like he would a servent.
I really liked that. You caught my attention wit the comment about "... just pick it up and call the president." It worked on me and I had to find out who this was.
"... landline handheld ..." is confusing and made me stop to figure it out. I think just landline puts a picture of a phone with a wire in our minds. In your last line I think reversing the order of "... never would forget her first execution." If speaking the line this is the best because you can add so much meaning with gesture and expression, but written I think "Kelly Rosner would never forget her first execution." reads stronger. I think readers automatically add emphasis on the "never" part.
You gave me her with your words. I was able to build an image of a strong woman that does not like what she has to do, but is determined to be the very best at it. You painted a word picture of a woman I'd like to know.
How about a series about the female that winds up running whatever you'd have to run to control the executions. She'd make a great anti-hero woman. Like McDonalds "Knight in slightly tarnished armor." I always liked that idea.
I liked that a lot. You hid the twist at the end very well, it was not expected. Your language gave me a feeling of her pain.
It shouldn't be all in one paragraph, it needs punctuation. Break it up and give it some rhythm, some texture to the story.
Your sentence "... tried to help me sincerely so, which ..." makes me stop and think about what you mean. Maybe "The doctor sincerely tried to help me, but it only brought more pain."
I think it's a good little story. Edit it and put it up again.
I liked that. An easy read with a neat twist at the end. I kind of suspected it would be Earth they were visiting, but Rosewell caught me.
The only change I'd suggest making is to your phrase "... allowed the smoke to exit out newly ..." The word "Out" is mildly confusing because It only exits out. Maybe "... smoke to exit through newly opened ..."
That is very good. I enjoyed it, It teaches something I wish I'd been taught much earlier. I'm 75 so I grew up in a different era, but I did figure it out.
If we're not allowed to think and ask questions then we automatically fall into your last category.
Thank you for sharing your words with us. They resonate well with me.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.26 seconds at 7:46am on Apr 25, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "