|Hey, Naveed . I am here as your reviewer today. Sit back and relax as I expect the review to go a tad bit long. Please note that this review represents my views as a reader and is not meant to offend in any manner.
The poem talks of how the person reads the newspaper. We all see the world falling apart, the hunger, the wars, the dealers of the wars going all around—yet all we do is read it with apathy. You have captured that feeling very nicely. With the juxtaposition of the current state of the reader of the newspaper with the news the person is reading, you have brought out clearly how safe and secure we feel even after seeing the bombing happening in the next house or country. It is really strange that rather than opposing such stuff, we all read and nod our heads at whatever lies we are fed, leaving our common sense at the altar of money and promises. I loved the way your poem talks about all these things and how it creates a message.
There was one image which confused me quite a bit:
portable and sewerage seem to be vague I just couldn’t get what you are referring to here. The portable and sewerage is something which I could not visualize. I get the reference of the word sewerage, but the words portable and vague are a little unclear to me.
Language, grammar and form
Let us start with the language and grammar first. There was a small mistake I found in the poem in the sentence their weapon’s to smite. I think what you want to use here is the word weapons (i.e. without the apostrophe). Just crosscheck once.
In terms of form, I had two issues:
1) things that’d leave even Azrael of death perplexed.: This sentence is grammatically correct and well-constructed, but on speaking aloud, this sentence was a mouthful. As compared to the brevity of the other sentences, this lone sentence stood out for me. I don’t know how it can be corrected, but just giving you some thought to think about.
2) Second issue is with the rhyme of word “lies” and “justify”. Your whole poem rhymes quite well except for these words. Probably one way to change can be the replacement of word “their lies” with the word “every Lie”. That should be able to meet the rhyme with justify.
There are quite a few comma errors in the poem. I am bringing them out here for your notice.
1) their wars, and their genocides : The comma here after wars is not required.
2) We look at the world, like : Again the comma is unnecessary here.
3) nod in obedience, as : Again since the word “as” is used, there is no need for the word comma.
I am of an opinion that the poem should follow the normal rules of punctuation. My comments are made accordingly.
Favorites and Not-so-Favorites
There was nothing that I disliked. My favorite lines were the following:
They feed… pomp
That was an amazingly written stanza. I also enjoyed the unusual rhymes that you used.
Other thoughts and suggestions
Overall it’s a wonderful poem which needs a tad bit of polishing. It speaks of the current time and about our situation, of how we have turned into a machine who reads the paper but does not see the plight of the people. Thank you for allowing me to read it.
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