LostGhost: Seeking & Learning's (lchichra) Reviews

LostGhost: Seeking & Learning

Review Requests: OFF

849 Public Reviews Given

1,002 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I usually love reviewing. I will try to be honest about any plothole or the language issues I find.

I'm good at...

Poetry and all kind of fiction.

Favorite Genres

Romance, Erotica, Emotional.

Least Favorite Genres

Nil

Favorite Item Types

Poems, Short Stories and Novels.

Least Favorite Item Types

Non-fiction.

101

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#3900396

Review of Fancy Dress

for entry "A Small World"

Review by LostGhost: Seek...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey, ~MM~

. I'm here with a review for you. Thanks for your participation in "WDC's Fancy Dress Contest"

.

I am sure this is one of the most beautiful pieces you have written. You completely sucked me into this story. The way you described the feelings inside the egg was absolutely brilliant. And, the ending, I felt so sad for the little dragon who is being hatched for some kind of purpose.

My favorite section is the beginning. It beautifully builds up the suspense about what is happening. I just have two small suggestions-

in cycles; darker and lighter - There should be a dash or comma here. Semicolons are only used to connect the independent sentences.

I that am shrinking - This sentence felt very strange while reading. You might want to rewrite this. Maybe "it is me who is shrinking."

Otherwise, a stunning story which shows way you can imagine things.

Thanks a lot for sharing it.

Keep Writing!

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The Power Reviewers stopping by with birthday wishes

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102

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#3900389

Review of Fancy Dress

for entry "Colour Co-Ordinates "

Review by LostGhost: Seek...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hey, ~MM~

. Thank you for your entry to "WDC's Fancy Dress Contest"

. I am reviewing this piece as the judge of the contest. Please note that this review represents my views as a reader and is not meant to offend in any manner.

Imagery Created

I confess I'm confused. You have explained the colors very well, but I couldn't get what color you wanted to be. Violet? That's the only shade left in the spectrum as far as I can see. I enjoyed seeing your take on different colors. This was a prose, but it felt like poetry. The rhythm of the piece and imagery portrayed were really strong.

Language, grammar and form

The first thing I would like to tell you is that there are too many thats in this short story, and it is unnecessary at many places. Also, as I mentioned in previous reviews, it is a good practice to maintain a uniform spacing in between the paragraphs. Also, the words like probs and dude doesn't go well with the opinion you wanted to portray with the txtspk people sentence. Another observation is that you tend to use semi-colon before yet, which actually calls for comma.

Favorites and Not-so-Favorites

I especially like how you showed the fight between orange and res which made poor orange mix with yellow. That was very sweet.

Other thoughts and suggestions

I love how your stories explored different facets with so much creativity. The only thing this book needs is editing.

Thanks for sharing this.

Keep Writing!

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103

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#3900382

Review of The most delightful of colours.

Review by LostGhost: Seek...

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey, Jellyfish-on holiday

. Thank you for your entry to "WDC's Fancy Dress Contest"

. I am reviewing this piece as the judge of the contest. Please note that this review represents my views as a reader and is not meant to offend in any manner.

Imagery Created

This was the strongest point of the poem. You brought every possible image of yellow on the page, and that too with all the trumpets and music. Each image enhances the beauty of yellow in the mind of the reader. They show the playfulness, the cheerfulness, and the joy of yellow.

Language, grammar and form

The poem is very well-done with some excellent images of yelllow. Bringing all the yellow color together is not an easy task, and I commend you for a job well-done. I have two suggestions -
Even the skin of ripe - This sentence should have the word "in" before "the" to match with the previous sentence.
My name is with submarine also in pages, - This sentence felt quite strange to me. I guess this is because of some missing commas, but you might want to crosscheck this.

Punctuation

Apart from the above mentioned sentence, the poem is well-punctuated. Although the poem can do with some mid-commas, I understand that putting these or not is the matter of poet's choice. They do not distract, and that's what's important.

Favorites and Not-so-Favorites

A pair of new shoes that swing on the gate.
I am the eye of the egg on your plate. - I absolutely loved the image these lines created. I am a vegetarian myself, but I can understand how a child might see the egg-yolk.

Other thoughts and suggestions

This is one poem with very strong pictures. It just needs just a bit of finishing to shine completely. Thanks a lot for sharing this.

Keep Writing!

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104

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#3900174

Review of Fancy Dress

for entry "Morning Call"

Review by LostGhost: Seek...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey, ~MM~

.Thank you for your entry to "WDC's Fancy Dress Contest"

. I am reviewing this piece as the judge of the contest. Please note that this review represents my views as a reader and is not meant to offend in any manner.

Initial Impression

A very interesting take on phone's life! This monologue shows what al the things the phone do or can do, and how it is forgotten in the age of new computer. This phone has an arrogant, a little disgruntled personality. It grumbles about everything but I think that suits its character quite well.

Language, grammar and form

The story is mostly well-edited. There are comma errors for question tags which is common in almost all the pieces. The only sentence which confused me was Like Claira takes her anyway apart from Downstairs.. I think "anyway" and "anywhere" got mixed up here. Apart from this the story is well-done.

Favorites and Not-so-Favorites

I loved the all-american voice you gave to the piece. It made the piece more fun.

Other thoughts and suggestions

A very refreshing piece. Thank you for sharing it!

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105

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#3900172

Review of Fancy Dress

for entry "The Power"

Review by LostGhost: Seek...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hey, ~MM~

. Thank you for your entry to "WDC's Fancy Dress Contest"

. I am reviewing this piece as the judge of the contest. Please note that this review represents my views as a reader and is not meant to offend in any manner.

Initial Impressions

The story talks about a world which has been changed by the alien attack. People have acquired some kind of superpower and protagonist has the power of Elemental. The description of how they changed is well-shown. I felt like saying "Eeek!" after that.

Language and Grammar

The story needs a lot of editing with respect to punctuation. The grammar and language issues are fewer. I have marked some of these issues in the dropnote below for your reference. One basic observation is that you have used "that" in place of "who". That is used for non-living things, while who is used for living things.

Detailed Edit Points ▼

Favorites and Not-so-favorites

Nothing stands as favorite or non-favorite.

Other thoughts and Suggestions

This little stories shows us the importance of family. No power can compensate for their loss.

Thank you for sharing this story.

Keep Writing!
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106

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#3899731

Review of Fancy Dress

for entry "The Cat's Tale"

Review by LostGhost: Seek...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey, ~MM~

. Thank you for your entry in "WDC's Fancy Dress Contest"

. I am reviewing this piece as the judge of the contest. Please note that this review represents my views as a reader and is not meant to offend in any manner.

Plot

I liked this cat. This is a no-nonsense cat who doesn't like the new members of the house but she is making do because preparing one's own food is such a core. I can emphathize with the cat.

Character

The story shows the character of cat. It clearly indicates what she likes, what she dislikes and what are the advantages she gets in a creative manner.

Description

Perfect! I especially enjoyed how you described the attack of the parrots.

Language and Grammar

The story is very well-written and well edited. One thing I would like to suggest is to maintain the uniform spacing for the paragraphs. Other than that, there are a few minor edits you need to take care of.

1) you guessed that did you- A comma is missed before did. The question tags are always preceded by comma.
2) make do with the usual two dimensions normal folk - This sentence lacks a word like somewhere and hence becomes quite confusing.

Favorites and Not-so-favorites

I loved the last paragraph the most. It captures the essence of old cat very well.

Other thoughts and Suggestions

You can write children's story very well. I hope you write and share more of these stories.

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107

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#3899718

Review of Fancy Dress

for entry "Angua"

Review by LostGhost: Seek...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey, ~MM~

. thanks for your entry in "WDC's Fancy Dress Contest"

. I am reviewing this piece as the judge of the contest. Please note these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

This flash fic defines the problem of Angua. I liked the way you exclaimed her irritation at goodness of Carrot, but felt that this piece was quite one dimensional. It shows one and very small aspect of Angua. Actually, if someone did ever dress up as Angua, they might say these lines to get them recognized.

The only issue in the story, as far as language is concerned, is the word no one which as per the link

should not be joined by hyphen.

I won't say that I didn't enjoy this little story, but I feel this could have been better and more stronger.

Thank you again for allowing me to read your work.

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108

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#3899690

Review of I'm On the Lam... See

Review by LostGhost: Seek...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey, Amay

. Thank you for your entry to "WDC's Fancy Dress Contest"

. I am reviewing this entry as the judge of the contest. Please note that this review represents my views as a reader and is not meant to offend in any manner.

I am really sorry to say that I would have to disqualify this entry. One of the rules of the contest says that the entry should be written in first person, while this story is written in third person.

But I have attached my review for the story further.

Plot

The plot tells the story of Little Red riding hood from the wolf's and her brother's perspective. I will say that this is a different, yet credible take on the story. The wolf tells us how he was trying to help the little girl and her grandmother thinking it was a rogue wolf, tried to get it killed.

Character

Two characters are shown-- Marty and the wolf. Wolf is shown as nervous and terrified, and Marty as a mischievous kid.

Description

Sufficient for the story.

Language and Grammar

The story is very well-edited. I just found a few minor errors which are highlighted below-

over head - The word overhead does not need a space between it.

I'm on the lam - Beginning quotes are missed here.

fussing at her for ages - I always used to think that it's fuss over rather fuss at.

Favorites and Not-so-favorites

I loved the description you used to paint the terrified wold. It read so realistic.

Other thoughts and Suggestions

This is one very good story. I'm feeling sad that it won't be in the competition. Anyway, thanks a lot for entering the contest.

Keep Writing!

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#3899674

Review of Time with my Mentor

for entry "WHY?"

Review by LostGhost: Seek...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hey, Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

.

This is one question I always wondered. Why did God created us? I never thought about comparing it to the fact the parents procreate. Suffering and free will does go hand in hand. I believe what we get is the result of what we have done in past. Every small action initiates a chain of reaction which affects our whole life.

The idea you sought to present in this topic is very well-presented. I do not believe much in the story of Adam and Eve but I do believe each parable/story teaches a lesson and your story does teach it well.

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110

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#3899667

Review of Time with my Mentor

for entry "Feelings "

Review by LostGhost: Seek...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey, Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

.

This entry talks about death and life after death and more about why our belief is shakeable. My grandfather gave us an example. "Suppose I have a pudding which I say is the sweetest thing in the world. You would say yes to me and believe me too because you respect me. But somewhere in your mind there would be that doubt can there be something more sweeter than pudding Grandpa talked about." This is the case with us as well. We have been told that God exist for centuries and we believe it because it is told. True belief comes in a form when we start experiencing him, when we see his will in everything and when we start listening to his voice inside us.

I believe in God, yet I do not feel in control of my actions. I feel more like a slave to my heart and mind.

Another thing which shows me how similar we are. Thanks for sharing it.

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111

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#3899666

Review of Time with my Mentor

for entry "Listen to Your Soul "

Review by LostGhost: Seek...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hey, Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

. As promised I am here with the review of your entries. Please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

Initial Thoughts
Before I begin, let me clarify that I do not follow Christianity, but over the course of time, I have learned that all the religions are based on a single cornerstone. In India, it is beieved that the whole body is created from five elements-- air,water, fire, sky and earth and that when we die, that is where our body goes. Soul is a part of the God and it comes directly from His abode, while heart and mind are acquired in its journey. As I read through your entry, I can feel the same teachings flowing through the piece. I agree with the idea that we should listen to our souls, but that is the most difficult thing to do.With heat and mind both pulling us in different directions, the cries of souls are often unheard.

Thoughts on Layout and Presentation
I liked the simple layout of the piece. Like the simple message conveyed, there are no frills attached to the piece. I only have a small advice . Maintaining the equal line spacing between paragraphs makes the piece more approachable.

Thank you for sharing these thoughts with me.

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#3899665

Review of Time with my Mentor

for entry "Free Will "

Review by LostGhost: Seek...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hey, Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

.

This piece talks about free will and to what extent a person is free to follow this free will. I think you very well explained the concept of free will. As I said in my last review, we have to face the consequences for whatever we do. May a times we feel that our free will has been compromised because of the unchangeable effects of our past actions.

I absolutely loved this entry because it explains the definition and limitations of free well very nicely.

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113

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#3899661

Review of Christmas on Star Mountain

Review by LostGhost: Seek...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey, Amay

. I promised you the review of this story and here I am. I remember you mentioned this is going to be featured in Nov, so I will try to be a bit detailed, so that you can edit the story if you want.

Plot

What a sweet story! It left me with a smile that is still gracing my face as I am reviewing the story. I was thrown away by two first person POVs, but as I read it again, things become clearer. A very interesting story.I only have one suggestion and that is to add Grndpa's name somewhere in the initial paragraphs. It will help the readers to better correlate Charles, Grandma and Charlie.

Character

Charles is the major character who is shown here. He is shown as a mischievous child who got an opportunity to snuggle with Santa.

Description

Absolutely perfect!

Language and Grammar

The story is well-edited with respect to grammar. There are few missing/wrong punctuation issues I noticed. Usually, I override them but since the story is so perfect, there should not be any errors in it. I have marked them in the dropnote below.

Detailed Line Edits ▼

Favorites and Not-so-favorites

I loved a lot many things. I loved how you describe's Grandma's Granpa's delight in the little thing in the world and how you portrayed the innocence of little Charlie's My favorite line was "How many greats, Grandma?" It made me grin too.

Other thoughts and Suggestions

I loved it-- absolutely loved it. All the best for featuring the story.

Keep Writing!

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114

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#3899659

Review of Azhan Lake

Review by LostGhost: Seek...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hey Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

. As promised, I'm here with the review. Please note that this review represents my views as a reader and is not meant to offend in any manner.

Plot

The first part of the story talks about a woman named Laura who is researching on a lake who ages the person with its water. I liked the concept behind the story but felt that story jumped the guns at many places.

1) it wasn't just for curiosity but also to save her job and position in the Council.- This sentence shows that Laura was curious. But the next paragraph shows that Laura knew why this was happening.

2) How did she hear the voice of Max in her office?

3) I did not get the significance of being the earth-protectors. Why did they do such things? Also why this revelation is so sudden that the lake is contaminated by earth-protectors.

Character

Laura, Steve and Max are shown in the story. We know that Laura is human-protector and works as a reporter too. She seem to have some power by which she is able to listen to Max's whispers but this is not very clear. Steve is Laura's husband who is also human protector. I feel there is scope to add more to the character, especiallywhat their responsibility as an earth protector is.

Description

The story started beautifully. I loved the first part. It felt like everything is being shown to the readers. The second part felt a bit rushed. Maybe you were under word count?

Language and Grammar

I think the chapter is edited except for misplaced commas. I can give you a detailed edit in case you feel that the story is complete. As far as I can see, the story needs more work on plot than on grammar. Just one major point that confused me was the sentence, a whisper that sprinkled grit between the bones of her spine, grating against them and sending icy cold tendrils of pain through her body. - This sentence is missing something. Right now it feels like a fragment. Since I do not understand how Laura heard Max's voice,. I'm not sure how to correct this.

Favorites and Not-so-favorites

I loved the idea of lake making people age.

Other thoughts and Suggestions

In my opinion, the story has a lot of potential but to shine to its best, this story needs more work, and more words. You need to clarify many things to reel in the readers completely. This even can serve as a premise to novel or novella. But the idea behind it is really excellent. I am currently giving it 3 stars but in case you decide to expand or improve it further, do write to me. I would love to read and review again.

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#3899442

Review of Vampire Voodoo

Review by LostGhost: Seek...

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey, Dave

. Thank you for your entry to "WDC's Fancy Dress Contest"

. I am reviewing this entry as a judge of the contest. Please note that this review represents my views as a reader and is not meant to offend in any manner.

Imagery Created

I must confess that I haven't heard the song. Thanks for giving the youtube link. The poem talks about a Vampire Vodoo that calls the person to the vampire who is having the blood-craving and is trying to expecting someone through the web of Vodoo.

Language, grammar and form

This poem felt more like lyrics of the song, rather than a poem. I enjoyed the words you selected. I could not find any error in the poem.

Punctuation

Perfect!

Favorites and Not-so-Favorites

I enjoyed the excellent word-choice of the poem, especially the words Vampire Vodoo.

Other thoughts and suggestions

Although, everything is good, I found the poem a bit lacking in the character. It doesn't have the usual strength you weave around your poems. But it can be me only. Thank you for sharing it.

** Image ID #1939830 Unavailable **

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116

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#3897882

Review of Fancy Dress

for entry "Ode to the Monster Under the Bed"

Review by LostGhost: Seek...

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey, ~MM~

. Thank you for your entry to "WDC's Fancy Dress Contest"

. I am reviewing this piece as the judge of the contest. Please note that this review represents my views as a reader and is not meant to offend in any manner.

Imagery Created

Oh, dear, didn't you say that poetry is not your genre? I hereby disagree with you.

What a sweet poem it is! The poem talks about the monster who lives under the seat of a boy and is afraid of it. It paints pretty picture of the brave and bold child who is peers under his bed daily. I was laughing out loud when you described the child's morning.

Language, grammar and form

The poem follows the free form and is scattered with internal and end rhymes. It is not only sweet, it is equally well-edited as well. There was only one sentence where I stumbled. he peers under my bed. I understand that the monster lives under the bed and child peers there too, but monster saying "under the bed" sounds a bit strange. Suppose I live under the bed and someone peers at me, I won't say that they are looking under the bed, but it would be they are always staring at me. My suggestion will be to change it to "peers in my home" or "peers at me".

Punctuation

Perfect!

Favorites and Not-so-Favorites

I loved the end of the poem which shows the monster getting afraid.

Other thoughts and suggestions

I remember seeing this as a prompt somewhere either in cramp or in dare to twist reality. I hope you entered it there too. This is one poem which will make anyone chuckle.

Thank you, once again, for sharing it.

** Image ID #1939830 Unavailable **

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117

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#3897783

Review of Them-2 - Chapter 11-12

Review by LostGhost: Seek...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey, Oldwarrior

. I am here with the review of these chapters on behalf of "P.E.N.C.I.L."

. Please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

Plot

The first part of the chapter shows how Huck discovers that Billy and Lou Ann got killed by the ants, and while searching, they finally confront an ant. The chapter is interesting and is paced right. There was only one thing that seemed jumped over and that was the murder of the search-party officer by the ant. The fear, the terror and determination felt a bit weaker there. Otherwise it is a perfect chapter. Second part, that is chapter 12, doesn't felt as strong but more like a commentary that you are going to jump forward in time where a lot many things have already happened. But that's not the case in next chapter. Ants traveled thousands of miles just in just few days? And you are yet to explain the mating dance or I missed it somewhere.

Character

All the previous characters are continued. Huck and Horse shine as FBI officer. Kayle was good, but it felt too much when she mentioned all the guns she could handle. Don't police handles guns? I mean they usually do get the training in all these things. Apart from that point, everything felt alright.

Description

Sufficient enough for the chapter. I won't say the chapter holds beautiful descriptions, but its plot is its major point. As explained above, if you could show the terror in some better way, it will add to the beauty of the chapter.

Language and Grammar

The chapter has few mistakes which I have pointed out in the edits below. These are not many, and they do not distract.

Line Edits ▼

Favorites and Not-so-favorites

I loved the way you show the ant as a character. Her thoughts, as I said before, are most interesting for me to read.

Other thoughts and Suggestions

The chapter keeps me hooked and interesting in knowing what happens next. It also ends at an interesting point, like an intermission to the movie.

The Pursuit of Excellence: Novel Critiquing and Improvement League. Click image for more!

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#3896830

Review of Little Velvet Vampire: A Kinder Tale

Review by LostGhost: Seek...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hey, Shaara

. I found this cute little story while hitting the random reviews. Please note that this review represents my views as a reader and is not meant to offend in any manner,

The prompt of this story caught my attention first. I had to double check if I was reading the prompt right. I am glad I stopped. What cute story! I loved this little vampire who wanted to join the soccer team. I loved how she pouted, yet never got angry with her parents. I loved the way you described the swings and how she enjoyed them. I also loved the pics decorating the story and the little note beside it which adds to the charm of this little vampire.

In short, I loved everything. I do not have any suggestions as the story was perfect. In fact it was better than perfect. I have read it twice and I'm still smiling.

My favorite pic is the first one. Pouty baby!

Thank you so very much for keeping and sharing this! I will bookmark it to show my community kids.

** Image ID #1929855 Unavailable **

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119

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#3896816

Review of Transformation

Review by LostGhost: Seek...

In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hey 🌕 HuntersMoon

. This review is part of the gift basket from "Invalid Item"

that you won at the "Invalid Item"

raffle. Please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

Imagery Created

Reading your poem is always a pleasure. You wrote about a wolf and that too with rhymes! The poem talk about the attack by the wolves during the moonlight. It is difficult to put the images you painted into words for me but those images resonate.

Language, grammar and form

I have never tried this form, but it matches the description written below. The whole poem is well-edited except for one very small thing. The word "nostril's flare" should actually be "nostrils flare" using flare as a verb instead of a noun.

Punctuation

Perfect!

Favorites and Not-so-Favorites

Crimson moon, keening chorus I enjoyed the whole poem.

Other thoughts and suggestions

Tell me, how does one decide which form to use for which poem? This question has always boggled my mind. After reading many form of poetry of yours, I thought I would ask you. (And don't say it was given in the prompt.

)

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#3895041

Review of Corrosion

Review by LostGhost: Seek...

In affiliation with The Poet's Place

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey April Desiree-I'm back!

I found this item on the review request page. Please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

Imagery Created

The poem paints the picture of a person who is alone and is looking for some company and some kind of love. Though this is not indicated directly anywhere, the words appealed to me like this only. You can call the romantic in my heart searching for heartbroken, but that is what I felt the poem is about.

Language, grammar and form

The poem follows the free form without any rhyme scheme. Although the poem is well-edited, I do have one small suggestion. In the sentence land an empty shell the word "as" before "an" will complete the sentence. Right now, the sentence feels incomplete of sorts.

Punctuation

Perfect!

Favorites and Not-so-Favorites

I loved the beginning of the poem. The words you used are very strong and touched my heart.

Other thoughts and suggestions

I don't think you have forgotten the art of writing. Even though it is written after a long time, the poem shines through. Thank you for sharing it.

Keep Writing!

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#3895011

Review of Where are we

Review by LostGhost: Seek...

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hey, Prosperous Snow celebrating

. I found this item while hitting on the random review. Please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.

Plot

The story shows a couple who are caught in a car which refuses to obey the commands given by its engine. The story is as sci-fi, although it felt more like a part of some horror story. There is a possibility that it is only a snippet. The car is moving on its own and decides a location to rest without allowing them to go on.

Character

There are three characters in the story -- Mark, Rita and the car. Nothing much is shown about them, but more is not needed as well.

Description

Sufficient for the piece.

Language and Grammar

I am assuming there was a word count for which you wrote the story. The story needs a bit of editing as there are small mistakes in the story. I have marked them out below for your quick reference-

Rita ask staring - It should be asked in place of ask.
out the window - The word "of" is missed here.
put on the breaks - The correct word here is "brakes".
car's still forward - I think you missed the word "moving" here.
but it was lock. - It should be "locked" in place of "lock".

Favorites and Not-so-favorites

Nothing stands out as a favorite or a non-favorite.

Other thoughts and Suggestions

I think this story can be developed a bit more. I was left wanting to know where and what that meadow was.

Thanks for sharing it.

Keep Writing!

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14 days may be credited.

#3894953

Review of 2013 30 Day Image Prompt Contest Book

for entry ""Cloudburst" (Poetry/Day 13 Entry)"

Review by LostGhost: Seek...

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hey, 🌕 HuntersMoon

. This review is a part of your shower from "Invalid Item"

. Please note that this review represents my views as a reader and is not meant to offend in any manner.

Imagery Created

I am a huge fan of your poems.I specially selected this poem because it talks about rain and I love nothing more than rains.

The poem paints beautiful image of the soaring clouds and the water droplets and the feelings created by rain. Rain really is powerful; in invokes so many feelings with a single shower.

Language, grammar and form

You have followed a free form a-b-c-b rhyme. How smoothly your rhymes flow! I felt that the second-last and third-last stanzas could be more stronger. They sound weak as compared to the beauty of the rest of the poem. The language is as usual perfect. I just have two small suggestions-

1) nurture for the flower - I'm not sure but do we use "for" with nurture. Won't it sound better with "nurture the flower" since the previous line already has humble used as a verb.

2) Also the word nurture is used twice. It is not wrong but just distracts a bit while speaking the poem aloud.

Punctuation

Perfect!

Favorites and Not-so-Favorites

I liked the first and the last stanzas the most. They paint the clouds and rain beautifully. I also liked the third stanza which is really sweet.

Other thoughts and suggestions

Not one of your best, but still a beautiful poem. Thank you for sharing it!

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#3894915

Review of Winter Crimson

Review by LostGhost: Seek...

In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey Revelry new writings soon

. Thanks for your order at "Invalid Item"

. Please note that this review represents my views as a reader and is not meant to offend in any manner.

You have marked this as a short story but it did not feel like a short story. It rather felt like a description of the evening scene. It is a beautiful description indeed, but still a description.

I enjoyed seeing the sunset through your eyes. The piece is very well-written, although it needs some editing. I have marked my suggestions below-

The empty beach spread out before me - The before me is used twice quite close by. Repetition in such small piece is not recommended.

suns light - It should be "sun's light".

to some how bottle or box - somehow is a single word.

Otherwise, the scene you painted is beautiful with very strong imagery. It will stay with the readers long after the piece is over. Thanks for sharing it.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

124

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14 days may be credited.

#3894886

Review of Miss Calavera

Review by LostGhost: Seek...

In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey Revelry new writings soon

. Thanks for your order at "Invalid Item"

. Please note that this review represents my views as a reader and is not meant to offend in any manner.

Imagery Created

Before I begin my review, I will like to ask you a question about Dames of the Dead. What exactly is the folder? I was so afraid to tread into the folder because the unfamiliarity of it but I am glad I did because I found this gem. What a poem! The poem talks about seeing a skeleton of granny and trying to find her in the decorations of the skeleton. I had to Google the festival in question and still I was unable to find the reference of La Calavera de la Catherine along with the festival. I wonder how you mixed two of them together or is it really a tradition?

Language, grammar and form

The poem follows the free form of poetry. But it flows very well. The rising and falling syllable count gives a thematic rhythm to the poem. The poem is very well-edited. I just have two small suggestions -

1) eachother - Each other are two separate words. They are not combined as a single woord.

2) its all the same - In this sentence, it should be "it's all the same" rather than "its" which shows possession.

Punctuation

Perfect!

Favorites and Not-so-Favorites

There are so many favorites in this poem. I loved the first paragraph. I loved the way you described the decoration of the sugar skull. Above all, I loved the way you brought the poem to life with your words. I could really see the effort of trying to find a lost life.

Other thoughts and suggestions

I have one more question. Do you really know Spanish or is it just that you picked the words and scattered them in the poem?

You have acquired a fan today. Thank you for sharing this amazing poem.

'

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125

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14 days may be credited.

#3894792

Review of Them-2 - Chapter 10

Review by LostGhost: Seek...

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hey, Oldwarrior

. How are you? I am here with a review on behalf of "P.E.N.C.I.L."

. I am really sorry for the long delay in the reviews. I will try it should not happen again.

Plot

The chapter shows Moses again. He finds Lily's severed hand and moves to the cave of ants. Because of kissing of Lilly's hands, the ants treat him and his congregation as one of its herds. The chapter was very well paced but there were few things which were incredulous for me as a reader.

1) First is the sequence of this chapter. The chapter shows that Moses finds Lily's hand and then enters the cave. It is not clear why he was searching through the caves? Finding of the dead hand and shifting to the cave do not make for the continuous events. Some thought process, some reasoning needs to be shown. He could plan to search for a hiding place and then find the hand This makes sense but the two events individually do not connect right now.

2) Also, I did not get the significance of Lilly's hand pointing toward the cave because he had already picked up the severed hand. The justification of it to the congregation is OK but why is it important to point this to himself AFTER entering the cave?

3) His realization of why ants are not attacking him is too sudden for my belief. He was afraid as in very afraid. Yet his mind was able to discern the scientific reasons without any difficulty! Slow down the scene here, give him some more food to think about and decide what is happening.

Character

Moses shines as a conman. Everything he does fits his character despite of discontinuity of the events mentioned above.

Description

There is not much of the description. Although, the chapter tells everything, it does not show many things and thoughts. I have marked them for you in the detailed edit points.

Language and Grammar

The chapter is mostly well-written. There is a lot of passive voice but it does not distract. As far as language is concerned I do not have many suggestions.

Detailed Edit Points ▼

Favorites and Not-so-favorites

I loved the ants and their science which is shown here. The way you showed the sparing of Moses and congregation keeps me interested in knowing what is going to happen next.

Other thoughts and Suggestions

Although the story is moving forward in an interesting manner, I still believe it can be made stronger with better descriptions. The sentences and language does not touch my mind or stay with me right now.

I will move on to the next chapter soon. Till then, enjoy the birthday celebration.

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