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Public Reviews
1
1
Review of The Fun House  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This story was great. It was eerie and fun to read. I didn't notice any spelling or grammar errors and there is nothing I would change :) I was frustrated that the kid didn't tell the parents right away, but I think your story was true to human nature. A kid probably wouldn't have told. Thanks for the story and write on!


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2
2
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked your chapter. I see that you have the same tendency to use dashes a lot in your writing, I do too. A general rule to keep in mind, though is to use it sparingly in your writing. If possible keep sentences shorter, use commas instead of dashes, and keep dashes for when you want your sentence to have oomph to it. This is something that I struggle with, so it's what I naturally notice when reading. Grammatically, you are using them right in the sentence. However, the frequency is high.

She wished she could blame McKenna entirely for this but she knew she couldn't - it was her own stubbornness that had gotten her into this situation, her own arrogance. (She wished she could blame McKenna entirely for this, but she knew she couldn't. It was her own stubbornness that had gotten her into this situation, her own arrogance.)

Toby offered her a chair to which her shaky legs accepted and he stood behind her with his hands braced on the back of it talking to De Luca who had patted her on her back in a gesture to say hello. (Toby offered her a chair, to which her shaky legs accepted. He stood behind her with his hands braced on the back of her chair. He was talking to De Luca, who had patted her on her back in a gesture to say hello.)

The interior was surprising(ly) cushy with soft leather seats and foot rests. It was spacious too despite the backseats being occupied by a rolled up sleeping bags, quilts and blankets, and pillows.

He crouched down to see Ellie's face. "Oh, Ellie, the naive doctor thinks he can keep you safe in the big bad jungle." (Oh McKenna, I really want him to turn out to be a good guy! I loved this sentence. It's very intriguing. Is he planning on murdering her in the jungle? Is it his juvenile way of flirting? It's those questions that makes me want to keep reading.)



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3
3
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I enjoyed this chapter. Some questions were answered, it still has lots of intrigue, and it was written well. I did notice one sentence with a missing word:
It (was) not what he said, but the way he said it that I found odd, cryptic, but I continued my questioning


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4
4
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
The story is flowing good and I'm enjoying reading each chapter
5
5
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I love how this chapter ends...
6
6
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Nicely written.
7
7
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
nicely written.
8
8
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Nicely written, very little needs to be done to it. I enjoy reading your chapters.

She always she (double) bought too many new clothes on her trips, and would have to ship a box home to make room in her luggage.

Think fast Sam, “He asked if I was Daniel Marquet’s daughter, which caught me off guard. I said ‘yes,’ and he explained that (he) recognized me from when I was younger, and said
my eyes reminded him of Dad.”


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9
9
Rated: E | (4.5)
Great story, can't wait to read more :)


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10
10
Rated: E | (3.0)
I enjoyed reading this, I think the plot could be quite good. However, there were a lot of spelling and punctuation errors. I'm assuming this is still a rough draft. I went through and put in () what I thought needed adjustment. I noticed a lot of sentences that were run on and that didn't get grouped in a paragraph. Editing notes aside, I was intrigued by McKenna and want to know more about him. Is it dumb that I want Ellie to fall head over heels in love with him? This has great potential, but because of the spelling errors I'm going to drop a star rating. Please email me when the spelling is fixed and I'll raise the star rating.

From the moment she stepped off of the Boeing 747 in Colombia(,) Ellie began uncomfortably sweating profusely.

She was to meet someone she would be spending an abundant amount of time with in the very near future and their first impression of her would be a sweaty if slightly nervous mess with Roary McKenna looking over her – could it be much worse? (This sentence was a little confusing. Maybe rewording it would work? i.e. She was to meet someone that she would be spending an abundant amount of time with. Their first impression of her would be a sweaty, slightly nervous mess. The fact that Roary Mckenna is a third person should be clarified)

McKenna scoffed (at) Ellie as she entered a village-hall-type building that was slowly filling with more and more people. The vain of her life as she knew it, the constant headache besieging her since she first learned of him and an enemy that was now a rival too. (He was the bane of her life as she knew it, the constant headache besieging her since she had first learned of him. He was her enemy and now a rival too.)

What a great way to spend my twenty eighth birthday, she thought now (I would delete the word now, it's not necessary). Exhausted, uneasy, sweaty, and...

“You must be Ellie Sanderson,” a tall dark haired man with a comforting(ly) familiar London accent interrupted her self-pitying thoughts. “I’m Toby Chalk.”

(Several sentences stand alone, I would consider forming a paragraph with them.)

“Are you my partner? I’m supposed to be finding out who is...” Hell, she had no idea how it worked – was she supposed to find the organiser (organizer) of the race and ask?

When he was out of sight (,) she glanced around the small meeting room made up of participants from the race.

That was it then: he was her partner, the person she’d be spending a surplus amount of time with, the man she would have no choice but to trust. (The sentence runs on a bit, might want to break it up into two sentences.)

She realised (realized) she could do much worse. For example she would have had difficulties communicating with the Spanish gentleman who didn’t speak a lick of English or the sandy-haired gentleman who tried hitting on her as soon as she had walked through the door or the woman with the sleek black hair that seemed to have a permanent unpleasant look on her face who was probably incredibly unfriendly. (run on sentence)

The thought of accidently (accidentally) - on-purpose not signing something crossed her mind (,) but McKenna was persistently over her shoulder the whole time.

They were given their accommodation details – a hotel. A hotel where there would be air conditioning! Where she could shower! She could just jump and whoop in the air at the thought.

She should have been apprehensive about sharing a hotel room with an almost-stranger and leaving alone with him (,) but she was relieved to be out of the company of McKenna and his bad attitude.

For desert there was a tray full of colourful (colorful) fruit and they both had their share of guava, mango, apple, and pear.

After lunch Toby took her walking across the Bocagrande Beach where they talked about the gruelling (grueling) trip ahead that was the Dragoman Challenge.

After their walk they stopped at one of the hotel's snack bars for a drink: he had an ice cold beer and she had a tropical juice before they headed back to the room.

"It appears our finalisation (finalization) meeting has been delayed until morning."

The finalisation meeting (finalization)

Once back into the hotel room (,) Toby took a call on the telephone. He was needed for an emergency in the lobby. "I'm a doctor," he explained, "I’m on duty always." He smiled as if he loved his job.

Ellie - (, instead of -) who was taking full advantage of being alone in the hotel room -(, instead of -) rifled through some of Toby's possessions.

There seemed to be no personal items; no passport, no drivers licence, no photographs of a partner or children, and certainly no personal items of jewellery (jewelry).

She thought back to her own luggage. It was more or less the same - full of clothing and toiletries. She hadn't any photographs with her or any jewellery (jewelry,) only her passport and driver licence as forms of identification.

When Toby arrived back in the room (,) Ellie was out on the balcony enjoying the Caribbean sun and the view of the sea.

"I've been invited to dinner tonight with a couple of mates of mine who are doing the challenge too. You're welcome to come with." Toby called to her as he pulled of (off) his shirt to put on a clean fresh one.

After introductions were made, Ellie found herself being seated elbow-to-elbow between Toby and his friend Orlando De Luca (,) who was local to Cartagena.



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11
11
Review of Everything  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was well written. I'm curious if this was based on real experience or if it was imagined. Either way, the emotion felt real. If this is based on real experience then I am truly sorry for your loss. I lost my mom a year ago to cancer and this piece spoke to me. It was the perfect length, no spelling errors, and the only editing I noticed was a few sentences that might have been run on, but I wasn't sure (Although this sentence is definitely a run on sentence lol)

Write on! :)



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12
12
Review of Haruki  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I loved it. Annie's life seems very interesting. I wish this was longer, well done!!


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13
13
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Good story. It was written well, it held my interest to the very end, and even had a few surprises. There were flashbacks through out the story, which can get confusing if it's not done right. The author definitely did it right. Even if Drama isn't your favorite genre (it's not mine), this story is worth the read.


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14
14
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I really enjoyed this, it was a bit silly and well written. Thanks for writing it!


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15
15
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really liked this poem. It's not rambling, it slowly reveals it self. I don't see anything to improve, honestly. Great poem :D


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16
16
Review of Bite Me  
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)

First off, this book is categorized as non fiction, I bet it would be read more if it was in the correct genre. It had a good opening paragraph, I got pulled into your story right away. After the first paragraphs, I started noticing spelling mistakes. This distracted me from your story and I never got pulled back into your world.

"Good lad. I know (knew) you could do it."

"A house warming gilft (gift for you.).. for you. I have set up an appartment (apartment) just for you at the other side of town as a surprise (surprise). I had been excpecting (expecting) this day for some time."

After this paragraph there were more spelling errors. It seemed like you had been in a hurry and didn't proof read. I think this could be a much better story. I know that when I write I still have errors that I skip over with out meaning to, and that I rely on others to point out what I've missed. This felt like a very rough draft, but it could be really good. If the writing quality would have stayed the same as the opening paragraph I would have given a 4 star review, even with spelling errors. However, I'm dropping the stars because I felt like it was rushed and the quality dropped towards the end.

I do hope you keep writing, however, and that your day is good :)


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17
17
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Despite this small comfort, or because of it, I found I could not turn my eyes away from his behind the dark lenses, so I squeezed them tightly shut. I could feel his breath on my ear as he leaned in to whisper, “I am not one you will ever have to fear.” (this sentence gave me chills)

From the prologue I was intrigued, the tone was good. There was one minor editing error "eventually say (instead of saw) it everywhere I went."

I am half way through chapter one and will keep reading. Great story :)


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18
18
Rated: E | (3.0)
The opening letter is definitely intriguing, It leaves me wondering what your story is about. A word on editing: I believe that not everyone has to follow grammar rules. Writing is a creative process and the main point is the story. So I'm only putting stuff that distracted me from the story. I put anything I thought needed editing in () :

1. What he need(s) right now is good fatherly advice, and I daresay he's lacking it.
-George

2. "Ignore it, Sam, my parent(s) are joking."

3.The day was spent after a series of shouting, screaming, and promises of at least a dozen parties, half of which I could guess were going to get caught. (This sentence was a little confusing for me and in the next sentence I tweaked it a bit. The major thing for me was the ! and then starting a sentence with: But)
At dinner, however, something in the form of a surprise came. We ate in silence (at least I did, but my parents talked), when out of nowhere, mum said, "Your dad and I, thought of moving to Florida."

4.(but maybe the fact that we fought every second we were in the same room (needs to continue the thought...)was the reason).

5. I turned a full circle over, and was considering of throwing out my hands and feeling the wind and all that amazing stuff, when the front door of the house next door opened and a good looking guy of my age stepped out holding a cap in his hand (a bit of a run on sentence)

6.Maybe Florida (don't need the might) wouldn't be that bad.

Overall the chapter had good dialogue. I don't know if it's a story that I would keep reading, but that's just because I'm slightly sexist and like books with a female lead- so not your fault. Hope your book gets lots of reviews :)


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19
19
Review of Stay  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a great emotional poem. I felt the writer's pain and his love for the girl. As a mom, it made me want to hug the writer and say it will be ok. There might be some grammar issues, but with poems I firmly believe the writer can do whatever as long as the flow is good- and the writer had a great flow to his words. Good poem!


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