First Thoughts:Park Pedaler is aptly named for an intriguing story revolving around an afternoon with Sonja Winston. She's an interesting character obviously planning a calculated seduction of Mike Murphy, however, the ending caught me by surprise. Looking back I see how the "quests" Sonja pursues fit with her personality. This is a creative work with a subtle twist at the end.
Errors: There was one error I found.
She signed (sighed) deeply.
In the middle of your short story where Sonja and Mike are having drinks, two of the paragraphs are stuck together where they should be separate.
First Thoughts: Your short story showcases the different behaviors of people in a bar. The narrator and her co-worker, Joan try to relax after a long day's work only to be confronted with the drunken and the drama crazy. I feel for them both, and I enjoy the way you were able to establish perspectives of one incident in the eyes of others.
Errors: There were a couple of errors I spotted while reading through your story.
>>>When I call Matthews (Matthew’s) tomorrow, the invoicing supervisor won't know what I'm talking about.
>>>"Your ‘front'", (‘front,”) I said morosely, "is usually all they're interested in anyway."
The fourth and fifth sentences from the bottom need to be separated from each other.
Suggestions: Great as is. I have no suggestions for you.
Favorite Line/Segment:During the early evening the crystal chandeliers gleamed over polished silver and the elaborately coiffed heads of the ladies of the social elite. Clever line.
This is a nice, insightful look at human psychology. Job well done.
First Thoughts: This short story was an insightful look into the mind and spirit of a young mother living without her children for the first time. You examined the duel feelings of wanting a moment of peace to herself and the quiet, anxious sounds of finally being alone. I admire her spirit and I think it showed great strength to endure as she did.
Errors: I could find no spelling errors.
Suggestions: Wonderful work into the mind, but I would suggest expanding into more personal description of the young woman.
Favorite Line/Segment:After twelve years of snatching precious moments of solitude, could she adjust to being completely alone day after day, week after week? Perfect question to sum the entire story.
First Thoughts: Your short story is an interesting look into the psychology and assumptions of people. Right off the bat Sheryl assumed that the vandals were teenagers, only to come to the surprising conclusion is was nice and sensible Margaret. I enjoyed the creative perspective and thoughtfulness you've put into this work.
Errors: I could spot no grammatical errors.
Suggestions: Great, inventive story. I have no suggestions.
Favorite Line/Segment:“Vandalism. And it’s always the kids.” Great closing line.
First Thoughts: This a lovely story with a touch of the supernatural. Amanda's pain is strong, her grief for her husband Eric, as vivid as the scene around her. You've done an excellent job blending the past with the present, giving Amanda an extra moment with Eric so she could remember their connection with each other.
Errors: I could find no spelling errors, although the last two sentences should be separated from each other.
Suggestions: Great use of imagery and imagination. I have no suggestions.
Favorite Line/Segment:As she slowly climbed toward the ancient family cemetery in the brightening moonlight, the wrought iron fence seemed like a line of dark sentinels guarding the ghostly gray headstones of past generations of Thomases.
First Thoughts: This is a wonderful short story, one that I can really relate to. You've captured the emotions of the young girl with ease, showing her struggle for company only to find solace with her imagination. The scenery of the young girl's home is written with great detail, making the story easy to picture in my mind.
Errors: I could spot no grammatical errors.
Suggestions: This piece is spot on. I have no suggestions for you.
Favorite Line/Segment: You've done a wonderful job with your story, and I wish you the best of luck in the contest.
First Thoughts: This is a gripping poem, telling of the loss of love as it walked away. You've described the scene wonderfully, using the wintry backdrop to set the stage for a broken heart. The photograph is a nice visual touch, adding another layer of sorrow to the sad moment you've created.
Errors: I could spot no errors in the poem.
Suggestions: This was extremely well-written, capturing the intense emotion. I have no suggestions.
Favorite Line/Segment:
Each endless step etched in the snowy frost.
My heavy heart ached at all that was lost.
Sadly, my dear, your soul will never be free,
because you left the best part of you with me.
Both stanzas are vivid, but the latter adds sense of vindication for the child as well as the love left behind. And I agree, the child is the best part of the soul.
First Thoughts:Celebrating the New Year is a sweet and short tale of a young woman content with her single life, only to be pleasantly surprised when she's persuaded to go to a New Year's Eve party by her friend.
Marianne is a nice leading character, reluctant to accept her friend's invite as parties make her feel like a fish out of water. You've done a great job conveying her emotions, showing her as a woman readers can relate to.
I enjoyed the closing of your story as I'm a sucker for happy endings.
Errors: There was one error I caught while reading your piece.
>>>Chilled hinges protested the door’s opening(.)
Suggestions: You've done a great job getting setting up your characters and the romantic emotions behind your story. However, the piece seemed a bit rushed, especially the scene between Marianne and Jim. I would suggest expanding the story if you can.
Favorite Line/Segment:She felt as warm and cozy as if she were basking in the glow of an open flame on a cold snowy night.
First Thoughts: Your piece was well written. I could feel for the main character, Natalie. She was trying so hard not be teased that her actions led to more ridicule. Unfortunately, this is a quite plausible, embarrassing story. You've done well capturing the emotions.
Grammar/Errors/Suggestions:
>>>Oh well, finders (finder’s) keepers.
Final Conclusion: An interesting story. I'd like to see this expanded into a larger piece. Nice work.
First Thoughts: The title of this piece fits your poem well. There is a subtle sensuous tone set while the words speak of passion and touch of love. I was taken in by the deep emotion you expressed in your writing. And your use of different colored fonts added a nice visual to your words.
Grammar/Errors/Suggestions: I could spot no grammatical errors in your poem.
Final Conclusion: A lovely and fitting Acrostic poem. Wonderful work.
First Thoughts: Your poem is a creative take the term "backseat driver". I wasn't sure what to expect, but the ending had a hilarious surprise that made me chuckle.
Although I haven't read many Acrostic Monorhyme poems before, from what I've read yours matches their structure. Good job.
Grammar/Errors/Suggestions: I found two possible mistakes in your poem, although I think the spelling is a matter of personal preference.
>>>Re-check done on vin (VIN) numbers, off by one, they contend
>>>Very sorry, "Mam (Ma'am), did you know this car was reported stolen?"
Final Conclusion: This is great poem with a funny, unexpected twist at the end. I wish you the best of luck in the contest.
First Thoughts: Your short story was an imaginative use of the prompt. Zac, your narrator, embodies a typical teenage boy while being empowered with an unique gift. His story is a nice tale, and it would be interesting to see his character in a larger story.
Errors: >I apologized for things like when I was ten, and I got really mad a (at) my cousin who came to visit.
>I’ll keep referring to Air as a thing rather than an actual beingfor (space between) the sanity of my instructors (the ones who aren’t jerks).
Suggestions: Throughout your short story you repeat certain phrases such as "freaked out" or "I guess" or the word "like" and "jerk". Although this can be a great tool to let the reader know how the character talks, constant repetition, especially close together can be bothersome. I would suggest deleting some of the repeats as they are no necessarily needed or using different words to replace them.
Another repetitive occurrence through your story is the use of side notes. One or two are fine, but the use of so many muddles what flow of the storyline. You might consider cutting these back.
Era is an intriguing character. But as your main character Zac refers back to his first experience with her, there is a tendency to use the passive "she said" method instead of her being active and have their conversation repeated from his memory. Reread this, and try to imagine the full conversation between the two characters. See which sounds better to you.
Favorite Line/Segment: "And having my best friend with me, I don’t only think it’s possible, I know it’s possible."
First Thoughts: Your short story is an interesting dark piece. The lead character's motives for revenge are murky, making the tone all the more sinister. The use of fairy tales as a backdrop for the character's logic was a nice touch.
Grammar/Errors/Suggestions: There were a few of errors and suggestions I noted below.
>Oh, the calvary (cavalry) would find them eventually.
>For years(,) they had been classmates.
>"This isn't a fairy tale. Say my name," he instructed her over and over (word suggestion: repeatedly) as he squeezed her neck.
>Watching the life escape her body, crying (?) he whispered...
Final Conclusion: You've done a nice job painting a very dark scene. The only thing I would suggest would be providing more details to your character's description.
Not Forgotten is a thought-provoking piece. The narrator of the poem is certain of how the world is, what feelings he has and lacks, and with his finality makes an irreversible choice.
Errors: The poetic form is sound. I could find no spelling errors.
Suggestions: The tone and style is spot on with the intent. I have no suggestions.
Favorite Line/Segment:
Am I trapped inside the box,
Or am I the one who’s free?
This was a well written poem with great form. The thing I found most intriguing was how certain the narrator was in his point-of-view only to wonder in the end if it was worth it, cleverly connecting the first line of the poem with the last.
Mother Earth is an excellent poem about the earth we all take for granted. Creatively I enjoyed the way you set Mother Earth as the speaker of the poem, trying to talk sense into mankind. Also, the use of all four elements in this prompt is a nice and subtle touch.
Favorite Line:
First of all there was a void
And then I gave you birth.
That’s why you fondly call me,
O man, as Mother Earth.
Extremely well-crafted. Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" . Write On!
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Your poem is a vivid look into the workings of insanity. You've painted a dark and gloomy picture filled with raw emotion.
Errors:
>>>The feeble stength (strength) of frail birds
>>>Softly carress (caress) the long buried dead
>>>Insanitys (Insanity’s) obsideon (obsidian) winds tear against your soul in pain
Suggestions: The wording of the third stanza sounds clumsy compared to the rhythm you've set for the poem. I would suggest going back and rewording the structure.
The repeat of walls in the second and fourth line of the last stanza throws the rhyme off. I would suggest looking for a replacement for one of the two, preferably the first as the second fits well.
Favorite Line:
"The ashes made by burning words
Scorch the ice on distant lands"
Stark contrast and striking imagery.
Job well done. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future as you grow as a writer.
Shots At Midnight is well crafted script that reveals the struggles and downfalls of alcoholism throughout the generations of one family. You've captured essence of Elisa as a woman, and her worries as a child through the interaction with her daughter, Susie.
Errors: None.
Suggestions: The format and structure of the script is sound. I have no suggestions.
Favorite Line: "Susie picks up the wine bottle. The contents gently SWISHES back and forth. She reads through the liquid to the date stamped on the bottle: May 13, 1969."
This is a poignant part of the last scene making the last line of your script all the more heartbreaking.
Wonderfully written. You are a very talented writer, and I hope to read more from you in the future.
A Different Future is an intriguing twist in the genre of science fiction. The diary entry format and structure adds a nice touch into taking a glimpse into the future.
Errors:
>>>I could; (,) as do many elderly people, sit back and dream about the good old days...
>>>Even with the new solar powered vehicles, the politicians finally realized there were far to (too) many vehicles on our streets.
>>>When I told my grand children (grandchildren) how we once went to school in stuffy classrooms...
Suggestions: ...are granted their educational degree and move on to [become a productive citizen] (become productive citizens)
One thing I noticed about your character's narrative is a lack of personal history. The short story read more like the telling of new scientific advances than the experiences of the character herself. This is something you might want to think on.
This is a great show of creativity. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
This is a fantastic poem you've created, capturing the darker essence of the phrase "the eyes are the window to the soul". Through the perceptive of your eyes, you've shown the world in all it's flaws. Very creative.
Errors: None.
Suggestions:
Leveling their gaze at the sun's shimmering glint
Hoping they would burn out...they didn't
The transition from the one line to the next slows down the flow of the poem. I would suggest replacing the last word of the second sentence with something meshes better with glint.
Favorite Line:
"My eyes are tainted by everything they see
Their color hides the chaos within me"
Monday Ministers is a funny Christmas tale. Your blend of different Christian denominations and how they come together in an odd weekly ritual is greatly amusing. The "Heaven Sent Ecclesiastical Accessories Mail Order Catalogue" is something that will keep me laughing for quite some time.
Errors: None
Suggestions: Great work! I have no suggestions.
Favorite Line: "While on the other hand, when Gabrielle preached on the same commandment it sounded like she would be really pleased if you didn’t commit adultery. She was so nice you resolved to be good and not commit adultery if only to help Gabrielle keep in with God."
This section makes me chuckle every time I reread it.
Monday Ministers is a holiday treat that had me laughing until the end, and the theme of the tale was a nice touch. Keep up the excellent work.
The first chapter of Book of the Past is an excellent start to your story. Shawn, your main character, although tiredly suffering through his parents arguments he still seems to hold himself together until he is alone. It will be interesting to see how his personality handles the newly discovered book and the spirits that seem to be trapped in it.
Suggestions: The sequence between his thoughts of his return back to his parents and real time plays out somewhat forced. I would suggest going back to that section and rereading the transition.
Errors:
>>> The sun must have started making its descent into the hillside, because light was beginning the (to) become a scarce resource.
Favorite Line: "Her voice was soft and pleasant, yet harshness was banging at the door."
Wonderful imagery!
This is a great start to your story. Keep me posted as I look forward to reading future chapters.
"Embrace" is an excellent poem. The length of your poem isn't very long, but you're way with words and structure is very clever. I especially like the emotion you are able to provoke. The vulnerability is evident with each line as the desire. With these words you have been able to stretch a moment into a lifetime.
There were no errors I could find.
This is wonderful work and I look forward to reading more.
Write On!
-LdyPhoenix
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First Thoughts: Your piece was well written. I could feel for the main character, Natalie. She was trying so hard not be teased that her actions led to more ridicule. Unfortunately, this is a quite plausible, embarrassing story. You've done well capturing the emotions.
