*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/legerdemain/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5
Review Requests: OFF
1,499 Public Reviews Given
1,744 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to be honest and write about how I feel and what I see. It doesn't mean I'm always right - it means I'm telling you how your work affects me. I'll try to tell you the good with the bad, but don't expect fluff. Fluff sucks.
I'm good at...
Looking at format, spelling and some punctuation...except commas. I hate commas.
Least Favorite Genres
Technical essays, overly detailed fantasies and poetry.
I will not review...
Items that show no obvious effort at editing before promoting for review. If you spell "i" instead of "I", I will close the page and not review it. We're not idiots here.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 4 -5- 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
101
101
Review of Baalbek  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Purple is House Florent

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!
I liked your combination of history and romance in your story. You did a nice job of portraying the hidden innocence in the characters who are harden by conflict. The picture prompt was woven well into the story and you gave just enough details to the characters for the reader to relate to them even without the intimate details of what they looked like. I liked that, it kept the focus on the story. One hopes the young friends find each other again in life.


No suggestions for edit *Cut*: I felt it was technically good.

Overall, a beautiful story

Regards,
Kim
Visit Leger's port!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
102
102
Review of They come back  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello The bald writer

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!
A surprisingly creepy story. Obviously a reader gets suspicious with vagrants and hitchhikers but you wrote a fun twist to her death. I loved the ending.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line breaks would make for easier reading.
*Bullet*"She had waited tables in Main" ~ Maine
*Bullet*"It’s beautiful ‘l she screamed with glee." ~ Remove "'l"
*Bullet*"Felling the heat rise up my body" ~ Feeling
*Bullet*"watch the sun come up, and tall her all that happened while I was gone" ~ "tell"

Overall, with some small edits, a good story.

Regards,
Kim
Visit Leger's port!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
103
103
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello fyn

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!
I loved the mystical feel to the story. The narrator didn't really focus on the past, just looking forward, I liked that so much. The two prophet characters were great. I enjoyed the ending, it made me smile.


Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"I know you journey on many levels." ~ Should it be "your"?


Overall, a charming and enjoyable story.

Regards,
Kim
Visit Leger's port!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
104
104
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Super fun! Here was my results of your madlib! *Laugh*

Your arm is like a chinchilla's
So smelly, blue, and strong
Your feet are my one desire
I could smooch them all day long

My apple is yours forever
My bench and knife, too
When we biking together
It's like I'm a part of you

I can't get by without you
Your cup makes me high
You make me snort and spit
But you never make me cry

So, Fluffikins, stomp me now
Don't ever let me go
We'll run like this forever
'Cause we wait each other so
105
105
Review of The Letter  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Than Pence

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!
A clever short story, about a Christmas wish come true. I wondered where Mason's chapped hands would come into play but it didn't seem to pan out. The other disappointment was the little bomb Lois dropped at the end of the story.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*“We learned in school that there’s germs in your nose, and germs make you sick. ~ Suggest "there are germs"
*Bullet*"Grabbing the enevlope, Lois opened it:" ~ "envelope"
*Bullet*I know Grandma is too old to go far and its expensive to fly back to home to Pennsylvania, ~ "it's"

Overall, an interesting read.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
106
106
Review of War Memories  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello PureSciFiPlus

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!
An interesting story! I liked the back history and the dialog felt pretty genuine. The only issue I had was with your time line. I get that your dividers are showing the change in scene and characters but the sections seem out of sync with the story. While one scene shows Kevom being motivated to get well, the other lags behind and shows him uninterested. I think the story would benefit if the divided sections synced so he became interested in the same section of the story.


Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet* So we fight against them both. Pretending to be the other planet while doing it. ~ Suggest: "So we fight against them both; pretending to be the other planet while doing it."
*Bullet* Except for the space battles. Those we have to fight as Rannons. ~ Sugget: Except for the space battles, those we have to fight as Rannons.
*Bullet* That Sun Fighter speeded to that side to destroy six Star Fighters ~ Suggest: "Star Fight sped over to destroy"
*Bullet* "The scanning Sun Fighter speeded off in that direction. It almost got there when its back end suddenly exploded." ~ Suggest: "It nearly reached its target, then exploded."
*Bullet* A war that we are only in because we do business with both Momna and Thounis. ~ Suggest: "A war we are in because we do business with both Momna and Thounis."
*Bullet*It’s been eight months, and I can’t take it anymore. Especially this last month. Ever since you found out about your legs not being able to let you walk again it has been even worse.”

Overall, a fun read.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
107
107
Review of Descent  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Chris24

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

Wow, I loved the twist at the end. You definitely lured the reader into thinking the story would be about a successful snowboard run. I like that you didn't feel it necessary to have complicated world building. You met the contest requirements and the elements of a good short story.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*After the contest judging, spend a little time rewriting and adding! There were some moments of telling instead of showing, but the story is good.
*Bullet*“Ray!” Sarah Jane exclaimed, the last voice on the recording as it paused. ~ Somehow "exclaimed" doesn't fit, she should be a bit more frightened and hysterical. I know they're explorers, but at that moment, the reader doesn't know.

Overall, well done!

Regards,
Kim
Visit Leger's port!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
108
108
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello inkwell

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

I liked your descriptions of the avalanche. I was however, disappointed that this was a narrative or essay and not really a short story. You can find what elements you need for a short story here: http://bit.ly/1KelsWT

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*You used the AP style for writing numbers, where as the Chicago style spells out the number ten. If you ever enter a story for a contest, be sure which style is preferred by the judges.

Overall, an interesting description.

Regards,
Kim
Visit Leger's port!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
109
109
Review of Slippery Slope  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello michaelk2

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

Great story. While a reader always wishes to like the character in a story, or at least relate to one...this one a person ends up disliking, right? Although, there have been people I'd like to shove off a mountaintop. *Laugh*

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*The only error in plot was I felt after reading what happened, the beginning internal dialog was wrong. I think it okay to have him looking for her, looking to where he last saw her. But "she was right behind me" and "what are you going to do about what she said", felt incorrect. At the end we know he's aware of where she is and what he's done about her news.
*Bullet*"His mind raced like a rocket car on the salt flats." ~ Suggest using something icy, cold or similar to continue the ski mountain theme.

Overall, fun characters and a good read.

Regards,
Kim
Visit Leger's port!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
110
110
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello QueenOwl ~ A New Day Dawns

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

An interesting story. I've had a similar experience so this was a reminder of that moment in my life. The only thing that confused me was the way the story dodged around. You presented Dondon as being someone important to the grandmother but that link doesn't really go anywhere in the story other than being an object for Mir to tease. Perhaps he could be the one to discover grandmother is in a coma.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*You wrap the story with the last sentence. Perhaps you could have used more of the remained allowed word count to show the scene of Mir asking forgiveness and saying goodbye.

Overall, a great story idea.

Regards,
Kim
Visit Leger's port!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
111
111
Review of The Premonition  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello billwilcox

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

As always, I'm never disappointed with your stories. I really liked the switch between the description of the storm, back to the creature in the corner of the room. And as Joe started the mower, I just knew what was going to happen but needed to read on. An enjoyable spin of a tale, glad you entered.

No suggestions for edit *Cut*.

Overall, creepy...horrible, and not too terribly bloody. Just the way I like my mornings. *Bigsmile*

Regards,
Kim
Visit Leger's port!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
112
112
Review of One dark night  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello cambusken

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

What a fun story! You did an excellent job with pace and suspense in this story. I liked your characters and certainly enjoyed the ending.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"The path is right there I said", pointing. ~ Punctuation?
*Bullet*A a sort of scream. ~ Typo.
*Bullet*""Look, we are almost near the Big ..." ~ We're left wondering what they were near.

Overall, a great read.

Regards,
Kim
Visit Leger's port!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
113
113
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Oldwarrior

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

I liked this story, a combination of history and twisting to suit your plot and characters. A most unlikely ending for the priest, I thought. A great twist. The only thing that halted my reading at times were the information dumps here and there.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*I'm not sure why you felt you needed the colored font, but it's really not necessary and is distracting. If you want to inform the reader, I'd suggest linking information after the end of the story. Just use what facts you absolutely need to "tell" and let your story show the rest.
*Bullet*he had a beaming smile on his plumb face ~ I think you meant "plump".
*Bullet* picked up his nekhaka (flail) ~ I've seen this spelled "nekhakha".

Overall, an interesting back history for your tale.

Regards,
Kim
Visit Leger's port!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
114
114
Review of Ricky  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Kotaro

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

Great story! I thought you picked a great point of view for the story, I liked how Laura befriended the parakeet. I was a little disappointed in the dream/vision choice, I thought more that Ricky would reveal all to Laura another way. I felt the story was wrapped up well.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*for he would get up to the bars to get every word I said ~ Redundant "get" words.

Overall, a good tale.

Regards,
Kim
Visit Leger's port!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
115
115
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello Shannon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

I felt like this woman could live next door to me, your character was so vivid. I liked how your description of her and relationship with her friend flowed so easily in the story. I'm not normally a fan of images plunked into the writing but the tarot cards were apropos and not disturbing. This stand alone story felt like the beginning of a novel, of Willow's journey as a visionary.

No suggestions for edit *Cut*.

Overall, a wonderful story.

Regards,
Kim
Visit Leger's port!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
116
116
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello Max Tyrone

Thanks for sharing your memories with us. I found your item on "The Shameless "Plug" Page" .

It's funny how when we're young, we can remember many details about something bad, or even something awesome. I notice your memories include much about the tone of light in the house. Do you suppose the dim light set your mind up for seeing the hand?

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*The description of Mari and Papi with their family is charming. Perhaps sometime you could add more dialog with them.
*Bullet*"sugar-rush burnout" ~ you have one, but you don't say why.
*Bullet*"outside the window coming upwards" ~ Was it climbing the exterior of the house, or the shrubs?

Overall, a frightening tale. Good work.

Regards,
Kim

Just do it!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
117
117
Review of Tired  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello lostinoregon

I'm not much of a poet but your poem came up on a random review so I'm offering my thoughts and suggestions. The narrator of this poem seems so sad.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"The loneliness is hard to bare." ~ bare / should be "bear"
*Bullet*"I know your testing me" ~ your / you're
*Bullet*"But lord I am so tired" ~ lord / Lord
*Bullet*"I failed your test completely this time}
*Bullet*"till the end of the song." ~ til / 'til or until
*Bullet*"so lord I wish just one thing" ~ lord / Lord
*Bullet*Lastly, decide if you're going to punctuate the 'sentences' or not and keep the format throughout.

Overall, a good depiction of heartfelt sadness.

Regards,
Kim

Just do it!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
118
118
Review of With the Tide  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Graham Muad'dib

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

What a story! I liked the description of the land and people, and your dialog worked quite well. I hope to read more of Konrad's story. At first I thought Leif, Erik's son was a coincidence, but I see it is not.

Some small suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"ox cutting of its own tail" ~ of/off
*Bullet*"wake up little Ulrich with that hallowing," ~ suggest different word choice for "hallow" which means holy.

Overall, a good story.

Regards,
Kim
Visit Leger's port!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
119
119
Review of Osiris Vacations  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Deswy

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

You had a fun format here, writing an ad for a 'vacation'. It was definitely eye-catching. You covered everything a person would seem to want on the trip. One wonders what the cost would be. Is it like the 'Hotel California' song, you can go but you can never leave?

A suggestion for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*The best part: everything is free! ~ Go ahead and make this two sentences.


Overall, a fun read.

Regards,
Kim
Visit Leger's port!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
120
120
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

An amusing and adorable story. I loved the Dust Bunny and of course, your humorous ending. A shame Hemingway's memorabilia are lost to a fire. Loved the dialect "mon".

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*6:00/9:00 ~ I think it would have been an easier read "six o'clock" and "nine".
*Bullet*The only other thing that threw me off was Ralph steering for a cay. If the waves were so high, wouldn't the cay be underwater?

Overall, a fun read. Definitely a trip of a lifetime.

Regards,
Kim
Visit Leger's port!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
121
121
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello Princess Megan Rose GOT Fox

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

It sounds like your characters George and Lila had a terrific vacation. I liked all the fun things they did. The only thing I found wrong was a lot of telling in the story, like a grocery list of things they did. Perhaps when the contest is over, you can flesh out the story with more dialog and less "tell".

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"Lila was an attractive red head" ~ "redhead"
*Bullet*"The plane stopped and George and Lila got off and they had a Hertz rental car waiting for them." ~ This whole paragraph was "telling" what happened. Show us.
*Bullet*" Lila landed on a whale and he flipped her gently back on deck." ~ This seemed far-fetched and slowed the story.
*Bullet*"A Alaskan man" ~ A/ an
*Bullet*The last sentence needs a quotation mark.

Overall, quite the adventure.

Regards,
Kim
Visit Leger's port!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
122
122
Review of Starwake  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello Soran

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

This story really captured the imagination. It definitely drew me in as a reader, from the description of the ship, Reiklin and his accent, and cute little Scuttle. The dialog was very engaging and the kind personality of the crow showed in his treatment of Scut. I'd love to read more about Ryn and his adventures.

No suggestions for edit *Cut*:

Overall, a delightful read, even with the bugs. *Wink*

Regards,
Kim
Visit Leger's port!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
123
123
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello ♥Hooves♥

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

A funny anecdote of a Hooves trip across the ocean. While I admire Liam Neeson too, I've never been ordered to pay out, by him or any others on a plane. Something similar happened to me on a duckboat ride, but that's a story I'll need to tell. I liked the dialog in your story and Hooves' descriptions, nice work.

No suggestions for edit, *Cut* no errors noticed.

Overall, very fun to read.

Regards,
Kim
Visit Leger's port!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
124
124
Review of Sneaky Kemosabes  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Endless Enigma

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

A great story! It had the timeless small town elegance of the fifties and some terrific dialog. You did a good job of not messing up the scenes with too much description or making the dialog to complicated for a bunch of kids. I wouldn't recommend changing much, it stands well on its own.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"We all decided to picnic at the stream today"
*Bullet*"Yeah, a bunch of birds. So what' ~ (?) Needs punctuation.

Overall, a top-notch story.

Regards,
Kim
Visit Leger's port!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
125
125
Review of The Briefcase  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello BEAR

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering!

A sad story. I'm glad the news was good at the end. It's amazing what one finds going through old things, I can't imagine finding a briefcase with old stories off in the woods. But I think you gave it a good resting place, even though that's not where it ended up.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"destroyed promptly for it's contents" ~ it's/its
*Bullet*"my lost loves and new found and all in all a reminder" ~ clarify
*Bullet*"briefcase across one the other seat"
*Bullet*"last enter simply said goodbye" ~ enter/entry

Overall, a good story, makes one thing about where a person's writing will go in the end.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
577 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 24 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/legerdemain/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5