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Review Requests: OFF
1,499 Public Reviews Given
1,744 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to be honest and write about how I feel and what I see. It doesn't mean I'm always right - it means I'm telling you how your work affects me. I'll try to tell you the good with the bad, but don't expect fluff. Fluff sucks.
I'm good at...
Looking at format, spelling and some punctuation...except commas. I hate commas.
Least Favorite Genres
Technical essays, overly detailed fantasies and poetry.
I will not review...
Items that show no obvious effort at editing before promoting for review. If you spell "i" instead of "I", I will close the page and not review it. We're not idiots here.
Public Reviews
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151
151
Review of Dear Me  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Parker

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

I liked reading your letter. It stated your goals but in a personal and ambitious way. You should listen to Octavia Butler...we all should. My advice to you is to write and don't worry about whether it's good.

Some comments / suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"I am a writer I just haven’t been writing." Two sentences.
*Bullet*“I’m not a very good writer but I’m and excellent rewriter.” - and/an

Overall, great goals for the year, stick with it!

Regards,
Kim
Shaped like me...hehehehe.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
152
152
Review of Dear...  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello ruwth

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

A lovely heartfelt poem. I'm sure this one goal is the very most important one for you. Perhaps you should put your wish on a poster and look at it every day. Sometime we need to be reminded of your deepest wishes because the daily grind makes us forget.

Some comments / suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Take out the emoticon.

Overall, a good read, best of luck this year!

Regards,
Kim
Shaped like me...hehehehe.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
153
153
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello JACE - House Targaryen

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

One goal. Surely this is something you can stick with for the year. One goal. Forgive yourself your mistakes and pick up a pen. We've all had times in our lives when we doubt ourselves but the writer and writing we love stays with us.

Some comments / suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*No suggestions, I didn't see any technical errors.

Overall, a fine goal. Best of luck in the year!

Regards,
Kim
Shaped like me...hehehehe.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
154
154
Review of Dear Me  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Cherokee Rose

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

Your letter went through a lot of common grammar errors. I'm guessing you wrote all that to remind yourself of the rules? The second to last paragraph listed your actual goals and they're good goals.

Some comments / suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"You finally changed your writers.com membership to up-graded" - I assume you meant 'writing.com" and the word should be "upgraded"
*Bullet*" important goal could be to spice up your writing with descriptive words that paint a picture for the readers mind" - While adjectives are great, redundant or weak ones distract the reader. Be careful.

Overall, great aspirations for the year. Write on!

Regards,
Kim
Shaped like me...hehehehe.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
155
155
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Cherry Mac

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

I liked your letter of goals for the new year. You could probably summarize the whole thing into one goal - make time to write, edit and submit. You can do it! The blog is a good idea, it will help you build and audience and when you publish, buy your work. The support you get from other writers is important.

Some comments / suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Period instead of backslash for bullet numbering.

Overall, goals you can achieve, go for it!

Regards,
Kim
Shaped like me...hehehehe.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
156
156
Review of Dear Me  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Lynda Miller

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

I liked your letter, the way you see the greater things in life despite the roadblocks. I liked the last line, I would hope that too.

Some comments / suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"Huh, New Years resolutions." - New Year's
*Bullet*"child of our daughters" - daughter
*Bullet*"him to have a well rounded life" - well-rounded

Overall, a lovely letter.

Regards,
Kim
Shaped like me...hehehehe.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
157
157
Review of Dear Me  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Prosperous Snow celebrating

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

I liked how your letter detailed how to achieve the goals you want to accomplish. I think this will help propel you forward in the new year. I like your idea of setting the time and putting out a sign, perhaps the next step is turning off the phone. The world doesn't end in one hour. I reward myself the same way for sticking to something I need to do.

Some comments / suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"Yours Every," - I'm not sure what this meant.

Overall, while short, this letter did have some detailed goals for your year. Best of luck!

Regards,
Kim
Shaped like me...hehehehe.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
158
158
Review by Legerdemain
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Prosperous Snow celebrating

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

Comments:
This was a fun story that felt like a true story. I've always thought that would be a fun job, food critic. But then, I could be a gym critic too, because all that food would have to be worked off.

Suggestions for edit: *Cut*
*Bullet*"but I was so disport for a job that I remained" - desperate
*Bullet*"Since I need job" - needed a job or needed the job

Overall: A charming story.

Writer's Cramp!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
159
159
Review of Test  
Review by Legerdemain
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Ida_Matilda_Wright Help

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

Comments:
I liked how this story had a happy ending. The dialog was fun and easy to read, but the formatting could use some help.

Suggestions for edit: *Cut*
*Bullet*Single line break between dialog - it looks like two?
*Bullet*"but he blue off the meat" - blew
*Bullet*"I saw you pick up a peace of meat" - piece
*Bullet*"off the floor and brew it off" - blew
*Bullet*"Now get to work?” Exclamation or period instead of question.

Overall:
A great story to read. Let's hope most chefs are honorable.

Writer's Cramp!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
160
160
Review by Legerdemain
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Bikerider

Thanks for entering "The Writer's Cramp" !
I understand this is a short contest and take that into consideration, so please take these comments and suggestions as merely my opinion of what was posted.

Comments: I liked the richness of your description and simple honesty of the dialog in this story. I could see "new guy" calling someone else "new guy" a few months later. By the photo, perhaps the story is a personal anecdote. That makes the story very special.

Suggestions: *Cut*
*Bullet*"but his poncho fell over him" ~ suggest "hood cloaked his face".

Overall: A fabulous read.

Writer's Cramp!
161
161
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello AliRothe

Welcome to Writing.com! I loved this first chapter of your novel, I found it very intriguing. You did well introducing the characters and creating a hook that made me want to read more. Funny stuff, "dead-people mud". And the epitaph was sweet.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*The only thing that made me pause was "frosty beach". If it was cold enough for the beach to be frosty, how did her heels sink in the grass in the cemetery?
*Bullet*"and I knew that I was not scattering a person" ~ You already said this in "Not the way cremated remains behaved". Perhaps a rewrite there.

Overall, a fascinating beginning, I hope to read more.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

Regards,
Kim

Happy Spring!
162
162
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Kentos Rocand

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

I liked the theme in your story that enemies can become friends if they communicate instead of bully. The story was hard to read, it helps to have line breaks between paragraphs and when you change speakers in dialogue. Also, many times you "told" instead of "showed" what was happening in your story.

The disappointment in the story was moving the boys to a play date. I'm not sure that would happen. The last paragraph is an information dump about Daniel's mother. Some of that could have been worked into the story.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"While I was eating my lunch, that day, he came and shoved it in my mouth." ~ Needs revision.
*Bullet*"Then I noticed a pointy rock that was lying about. I stared at it for a while, thinking about what I would do with that rock. I decided to pick it up. The rock was smooth," ~ A contradiction, is it smooth or pointy?
*Bullet*"“Your telling our parents too”, protested Daniel." ~Suggest: "You're telling our parents?"

Overall, a good story idea that could use some edit time.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!
163
163
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello carlypop

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

What a sad story! We all remember the childhood friends we lost too early. I think the story would have been better served if you had shown how close the boys were, and foreshadowed something bad happening. There was plenty of allowable word count left to show those things. Later, perhaps a scene of the children playing and the beginning moment of the accident, then the church scene, then the jail scene. The graveside writing was good. I loved the phrase "Time's delicate hands were now tied"!

Some specific suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Putting your story title in the Title field of your item.
*Bullet*You have a lot of good description, add more story.
*Bullet*Suggest a line break / new paragraph for the last sentence.

Overall, some good images and emotion.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!
164
164
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Shannon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

A clever story. Especially when you don't reveal the gender of the narrator until the end. At first the factoids about the bridge felt out of place even though they worked into the story, but in the end, it made the story unique. I was happy to see Kuan-yin come into the story to close and reveal the narrator's purpose for being on the bridge. I liked the dialogue created between Tucker and Kuan-yin.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"I almost bought a new coat last week" ~ Details not needed for the story, it steers the reader into thinking the narrator is female.
*Bullet*"The young group leader gasped." ~ Be careful with adjectives.

Overall, a good write.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!
165
165
Review of Love of the Game  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Mara ♣ McBain

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

What a great story! As a parent with an old case of bleacher-butt, I enjoyed the emotion of your story, bringing Danny from being an outsider to the hero of the game. I admired the way you used an MLB player as a character but kept the stature low-key, just using his love of the game. Well done.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"You're such a hard ass," the younger man said with a teasing chuckle. / "It's your team, your call," the grizzled major leaguer acknowledged with a shrugged and left the dugout. ~ Trim adjectives.
*Bullet*This definitely could fall as a chapter in a larger work, or be expanded to show more relationship with the brothers. I hope you'll consider writing more.

Overall, a fun read.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!
166
166
Review of Always My Brother  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello Bikerider

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

I like your story perspective - a child who has been bullied and the fear that goes along with it. Your big brother character felt authentic, but how old is he? I'm left wondering is where a kid would get a gun. It felt like a fact that needed explaining.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*You open and close your story with a man speaking to Bobby, but never identify who he is - a police officer or the principal?
*Bullet*"Yesterday, Bobby thought as tears fell from his eyes and tracked down his legs. I never should have told Joey what happened." ~ In the story, it all occurs on the same day - Bobby telling Joey, Joey leaving school grounds, and the man approaching Bobby.
*Bullet*How does the title relate to the story?

Overall, a good story with the prompt worked in well.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!
167
167
Review of Hide and Seek  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Happy Earth Day 2024!

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

This felt more like the beginning of a story. I could see this being a story of a summer kid's mystery of how the class found Jamie. It was a little hard to read as a lot of the story was "telling" not "showing". I thought the dialogue felt authentic to kids and teachers. Good job showing the image prompt in your story.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"Sweat stood out like sparkling diamonds" ~ not sure this was a good analogy since it was a kid.
*Bullet*During edit, try to make all the details you brought out in the story more relevant to the ending.

Overall, I enjoyed your characters.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!
168
168
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello BIG BAD WOLF is hopping

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

I really liked the point of view in this story, a vampire who ends up helping a child Slayer. It says a lot to keeping balance in nature, even that of vampires and werewolves. Some of the informational paragraphs (feeding habits, physical description) were too extensive. If you intend to expand this into a story, those facts could be shown throughout the story. The ending felt contradicted, why have her going back to a drug-victim if she didn't really like feeding on them?

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*President is capitalized.
*Bullet*"rouges" ~ a few typos rouge / rogue. Rouge is a cosmetic.

Overall, interesting characters.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!
169
169
Review of Ronnie and Johnny  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Christian Powers

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

A nice short story. The point of view was from a boy and the dialogue felt like it was from a kid. I was disappointed more word count wasn't used. More could have been added to the accident scene, Johnny speaking with his father or Johnny's relationship with Ronnie before the accident. You did a good job working the prompt image into the story.

No suggestions for edit *Cut* other than what I mentioned above.

Overall, I liked how you showed Johnny's emotion.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!
170
170
Review of That Summer  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Edmund Gee

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

Now I'm left wondering too! The story was a fast read and showed a childhood crush well. Good job seamlessly working in the prompt image.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*“How can she pay such rapt attention for math?” ~ Would a fifth grader use "rapt"?
*Bullet*"an mysterious tug" ~ an / a
*Bullet*"It laughed and teased my young soul." ~ Would a stinging pain laugh and tease? Suggest cruel words.

Overall, a good story

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!
171
171
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello ridinghhood-p.boutilier

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

I liked this story, it would be a good read for a youngster. Your characters were charming, the description of Fred was funny, I could see kids laughing at how Fred looked.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*"Jase nodded yes and"
*Bullet*"each team had scored only 1 goal" ~ Spell out one.
*Bullet*"whispered in his hear" ~ hear / ear

Overall, a fun read.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!
172
172
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello ☮ The Grum Of Grums

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!

I understand this is an internal stream...but even in our thoughts we break and then continue. The large block of text was hard to read. The ending was cute, I could see how a child's thoughts would turn in the face of a sweet little puppy.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Suggest breaking the text when the thoughts change topics.

Overall, a good idea, a bit hard to read.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!
173
173
Review of First Valentine  
Review by Legerdemain
In affiliation with Senior Moderators  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** Image ID #1804455 Unavailable **


Hi Cait

Thank you for participating in "Invalid Item"  As always, these are merely review suggestions.
My apologies for sending this out so late! I forgot them in my review tool!

Overall Impression:

I'm a sucker for romance so I enjoyed the geek to hunk with a crush story. I think sometimes you got caught up in the details of the story and felt more dialog would have been fun. Check out some of the tutorials on our site on formatting dialog, they can be really helpful.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*Line breaks between paragraphs help the reader.
*Bullet*"pizza form every pizzeria" form / from

I always enjoy reading the imaginative entries. Write on!

Regards,
Leger~
174
174
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Sssssh! I'm not really here.

Hahahah! I chose this item to reveiw because I just had an experience with buffalo chicken last weekend. Too many beverages to put out the fire - enough said. LOL. Perhaps you should write a recipe book!

I think every mom likes to have the house that the neighborhood kids gather in. Whether it's the food or the fun, somehow it's more comforting when your kids are in your own home.

Your anecdote was told well and readers can feel a personal connection when you write about family.

No suggestions for edit *Cut* except delete the smiley. It just seems to take away from your written humor.

Overall, a delightful read.

Regards,
Kim
Night signature
175
175
Review of Twin poem  
Review by Legerdemain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Friendly Thinker

I liked the metaphorical feel to the poem. How the sun and the moon will have children and tutor them on how to use their powers.

Some suggestions for edit *Cut*:
*Bullet*The words "they" and "we" are used extensively but it is often hard to tell who the author is referring to. I think the poem would be more successful if you designated who "I", "we", "ours" is.
*Bullet*"Will" is also redundant, I think once you clarify the "they" words, the "will" can be eliminated.

Overall, a fanciful image, a good poem once edited.

Regards,
Kim
Just do it!
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