The story was good, the spelling and grammar correct, but it REALLY needs to be put into paragraphs to make it readable. Otherwise, I liked the story. Would've rated it 4.5 then.
Maybe a little more background on his thoughts or feelings on fear of the medications, of losing her because of his illness or more present tense of voice.
"she feared his head or fist crashing through it" might be better "fearing his head or fist crashing through it".
Again all these are just suggestions.
Liked the story, known a few people in my life with this condition. It's not pretty by any means and I can appreciate anyone who's partner is going thru this.
Good, well paced action. I was interested thru the whole story while it had a nice change up on each paragraph to the next scene. I gather this is a chapter for a book and will keep my attention sharp for more.
Not bad, not bad at all. The story kept my interest, had good flow and was parsed correctly. Correct spelling was also a plus for this story. The only comment I could say, and again this is just personal preference was the sentence;
"The furnace rumbled, and warm air shot across Matt's body. He frowned and thought about opening the window. Marie liked the room warm, too warm for Matt. Wetness slicked his brow, and soggy sheets clung to his naked torso."
Just didn't seem to quite fit with the ghost story or if he was in the act of dying, then maybe a line saying "He no longer felt the hot air now and felt more serene, more relaxed now"
Again, just suggestion.
Enjoyed the story! Had me about the part of him being a ghost until the end!
Normally I am not into poetry, but this one caught my eye. You have a rather clear premise in what you are trying to convey and that's a big plus to any audience (spelling correctly also). I think the next to last line could use a little tweak, but then again that's me. Maybe "My hope for you to hear and my last to say, is I love you and you take my breath away" Again, just suggestion.
Good story, good flow. Some sentences could have been split up, but that's just personal preference. I especially liked your parsing of each action into paragraphs so I wasn't "lost" trying to decipher which action belonged to the event taking place. I smiled at the cover story Zethos gave and how "every last man" was killed, thus leaving no one to dispute his story. Enjoyed the read, would like to read the rest when the book comes out.
I have just performed approximately 20 reviews, some good, few really good and quite a few that were atrocious! Then, like a breath of fresh air I read yours.
Your sentence structure was sound
Your spelling was correct (big plus)
Although the story was short, it flowed to a logical end (for fantasy)
Good emotional content with just the right amount of descriptors
Not bad, good story line and the flow from beginning to end was excellent. Only thing I would possibly point out is I would have used more exclamations "The movers come on Tuesday!", "An idea struck my mind!" and similar statements. Would've liked maybe a scenario where the spirits protected you from other spirits, unless you were intentionally trying to keep the word count within a certain range. Overall, good story and subject to keep a reader "entertained"
Interesting story, been in those type of situations myself. And yes, the same response from corp; "Never mind the man behind the curtain, keep working!" was all I would hear. We actually had a tornado in the area and they told us we could not leave "unless it was in the parking lot". Can you believe that @$%^&! Anyway, good read as I can relate to the story
Liked the Title, it fits the story line and was included as part of the story
Liked the premise also, you didn't stray from main storyline with non-essential details that would have been distracting, making the story hard to understand or more importantly, leading one to wrong conclusion(s).
Lots of descriptive details, made the story very interesting.
Only drawbacks; "When I pulled open the glass door to the gas station, the air hit me in the face like a ton of ice bricks" Was the place air conditioned? Did it make them "shiver uncontrollably?" Maybe smells would also help; "the dampness of our clothing heightened the smell of burnt rubber from our shoes while body odor was apparent by the reaction of the other customers"
Like the premise, maybe a little more argumentative on the mosquito would have been nice to sound more convincing about the belief part, but otherwise a good story. Got the point across and that's the goal of any story.
Liked the atrocious wording, obliviously a lot of thought put in here to "get the right dialect" for the squirrel. Much harder to come up with, then using regular wording and still maintain a story line!
Heavy Metal magazines first started using this format in the 70's and it blew a lot of minds at the time.
I like the story line, can see where it's going but I don't see what type of demons are interfering with Bekah's progress or lack thereof. Is it a mental dysfunction? Or the type of environment she was raised in? Since it was brought up I felt it needed to be explained early on and assume you do this anyway in later chapters. Either way, I think you are on the right track!
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