Wow, I like this poem very much. It tells a horrible but compelling story. And one that I am sure has actually happened more than once. I live in tornado alley and I can't count the number of times I have watched people ignore the sirens and warnings.
You did an incredible job with pacing and building tension within this poem. The suspense was palatable. I enjoyed this tale very much. Bravo.
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This is a very unusual concept for a poem but I like it. It has a chaotic lost feeling about it that is unnerving and intriguing at the same time. The sentiment (almost dead) is so hopeless and final it is disturbing. The reader cannot help but feel sorrow for the voice.
I think this may be a typo:
She asks my when
I think you mean:
She asks me when
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This is such a disturbing poem. I think what I find most disturbing about it is that I can relate to it easily. I have suffered from depression my whole life and I too am fascinated by the cause and effect of the disease.
The line I find the most poignant is this:
I can't reach the mark Of normalcy.
That is a very profound statement and one I can sympathize and relate too.
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I love this story! I think it's hilarious. I never saw it coming. That's what Jake gets for lying. HAHA! I especially liked the way you wrote what each individual was actually thinking below what they actually said. That makes everything so clear. It's also amusing. Great job. I really enjoyed this a lot. :)
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Wow, what an amazing story. It is a tragic tell but you did a phenomenal job telling it. This poem is a window into the experience of a teenage girl that is tragic but shows monumental courage and strength of character. I am blown away. Excellent bit of storytelling. Bravo.
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This is another poem that really speaks to me. I think a lot of people are paralyzed by the fear of failure. It is so much easier to to sabotage yourself with negative thoughts and tell yourself you can't succeed than believe and have faith that you can.
I love the matter of fact statements that dominate this poem. It is clear concise and easy to understand. And sends a powerful message. Well done.
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This is an important issue for a poem. I would like to see even more dramatic language and emotion. Any kind of teasing or bullying should be admonished vehemently. This poem is to passive and indifferent in my opinion. It's still a good poem I would just like to hear the voice get angry. :)
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This poem is so moving I don't even know what to say. My heart goes out to the narrator. The pain and hurt is so raw, like an open wound. It is easy to understand why the memories are repressed.
I have a shoebox full of memories too but they are nothing like these. I think the fact that my own shoebox is a treasure to me makes this shoebox of pain even more sad. :(
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Wow, what an awesome story. This is a great piece of storytelling. I enjoyed it very much. The children were so sweet and charming you can't help but be drawn immediately into the story. You have an amazing talent for writing believable dialog. The children seemed so real and alive they practically walked off the page.
I love the innocent almost comedic feel at the beginning of the story. It makes the reader wonder if this is just the typical haunted house which got it's reputation from totally unfounded rumors. My first thought was there was no real threat of danger, just a case of kids being kids playing... DARE YA.
The path the story takes is so original and unique I would have never suspected the final outcome. I am so impressed with not only the clever originality but the overall horror of it as well. Outstanding job.
Another amazing aspect of the ending is it makes you wonder how long this cycle has been going on. It's genius really. It totally lends itself to evolving a whole series of stories or even a book. It is genuinely a great core.
I know you were very close to your word limit for the contest but now that the contest is over if you decide to revisit this piece or polish it. One thing I would address is the description of the bird. A deformed crow type creature is a pretty lack luster depiction. As a reader I want a shocking and horrifying description that just scares the crap out of me. A description that makes me go... my god.
Other than that I think this is an incredible piece of fiction. I enjoyed reading it so much. As I said before I would gladly read more about this phenomena and these people. I would love to know more.
I am so glad you entered the Slice contest. I can't wait to read more from you in the future. Bravo!
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This is another poem that is so very sad. I think this one have an important message that many people don't realize or acknowledge. That is emotional neglect is a from of abuse. People, children especially need to be nurtured in order to grow. You can't starve them for attention and expect them to thrive.
This is a circular pattern that always come back to haunt the perpetrator in the end. One day when the parent is old and desiring the child's attention they will not get it. That is when the error becomes apparent. Great poem, very thought provoking and vital. :(
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Great poem. I think everyone at one time or another has wanted someone to abuse. We all get mad and need an outlet the trick is finding the one that will cause the least amount of damage. Or if you are an exceptional person you will find one that will actually create something good out of that negative emotion. It is so very difficult to do. Good poem very honest and true. Bravo.
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This is so sad and frightening. I can imagine the terror the children feel and their need to escape. I feel awful for them You do an amazing job of creating tension and fear within this poem. I have only one suggestion. I hope you like it.
The last line you wrote:
The noise is now upon us.
What if you said:
The noise has reached us.
Implying that the noise has traveled to the children's safe place. It's not much of a change. It just seems to flow a bit better to me. Either way I think this is a fantastic poem. In spite of the horribly dark and tragic story it tells.
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Okay wow, I really love this poem. You do a fantastic job of portraying the classic old house that every town has where the children all believe to be haunted and no one ever ventures inside or out. Of course, the rumors are always bogus and unfounded.
I love the idea that the real tragedy of the house is the loneliness and isolation of the occupant. That is so sad. What an awesome but haunting poem. Bravo.
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This is a great concept for a poem. I like the message very much. There is one line however that I don't understand. Perhaps you can explain it to me. This line:
But a facade of disease, a rooted seed unbounded
The rest of the poem comes through loud and clear. I agree with the message and appreciate it. Well done. :)
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Wow, this is a very bleak outlook on a doctor's duties. Has this doctor never helped anyone? They don't generally lose ALL their patients unless they are intentionally killing them.
Which leads me to my next point. The term Angel of Death has come to mean exactly that in the medical profession. A doctor or nurse who intentionally kills their patients thinking they are easing their suffering. Jack Kervorkian was an Angle of Death.
I like the poem very much since as you know by now I have a very dark side. However, in this case I don't really think this perspective is fair to the doctor. :p
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This poem is a continuation of the first part? Or another version? I'm not sure which but in my opinion this one is not as hard hitting as the first. The first one is just much more raw and brutal. It really slams the message home. This one is sad but in a quiet and subtle way.
One thing I would like to point out. You wrote:
But it bleeds though.
I think but Im not sure that you meant "through" in this sentence. Either works so I'm not sure.
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Well I have reviewed every poem in your new poems folder so now I want to look at your darker poems.
This is a truly terrible subject but your convey the awfulness in such a powerful way. The message is so important and clear. Well done.
I especially like the idea of the puss from a festering scab corrupts. It says to me that the corruption may manifest itself as a circle of abuse. Where the infected child becomes an abuser himself. This is very very powerful stuff. Thank you for sharing.
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Again, I am not a religious person so I don't really feel comfortable reviewing poems with religious content but I will say that I think this is a wonderful concept for a poem. I also feel it is a lovely tribute to Jesus. I think anyone would agree that you honor him beautifully with your words. :)
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This is a nice solid poem with a proverb feel to it. It is very wise and well written, the message is great and should be heeded. This poem just feels a little too pious for me. It's almost like I am reading bible verse. It's a great poem just not my thing. Sorry. :(
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Man, this is another one of your hauntingly philosophical poems that really moves me. I have a difficult time remembering my childhood which is rather frustrating but nothing like you describe here.
The fact that you cannot change because you cannot remember how you were yesterday is just sooo profound. It really hit a nerve. I absolutely love that in a beautifully sad way. It reminds of the vampires in Anne Rice's novels unable to change. It is quite tragic when you look at it that way. Bravo.
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Wow, this is another very powerful and poignant poem that really resonates with me. I am so afraid of becoming dependent on pills. I don't want to give up control of my life but I fear it maybe necessary to improve the quality of my life. It is a horrible catch 22.
This poem is so hauntingly true. It really is frightening. It reminds me of the Marilyn Mason song Coma White. If you are not familiar with it you should give it a listen. It conveys the same
message.
I love this poem. Thanks for sharing it.
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This is a great poem. I love the concept. It reads just like a beautifully worded riddle which is very cool. But it seems to be filled conflicting emotions to me. The reason I say this is because the first part of the poem seems very happy and lighthearted but the near the end you refer to your time as a life sentence which has very negative connotations.
What do you think?
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This is quite simply the most beautiful poem I have read all day. This is beautiful not only in word but sentiment. I absolutely love it. You really do have the soul of a poet my dear. It runs deep. I am blown away by this enchanting piece of wisdom.
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I love this poem. It pretty much has it all. Your breathtaking descriptions really put the reader there on the balcony with you enjoying that serene cup of coffee. Its wonderful. It doesn't get much better than enjoying nature with a cup of joe in your hand. I also remember how satisfying a cigarette can be though I'm ashamed to admit it.
One thing I would like to bring up though. You write:
Mother nature proves her natural green thumb
My eyes fall upon its beautiful inventory
This is just a beautiful sentiment but I think it would sound better if the last line said:
her beautiful inventory
Maybe not but it's something to think about. :)
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I actually like this poem very very much. The sentiment and emotion is so beautiful and clear. A heartfelt emotional plea for unity that is poignant in its simple eloquence.
One point though, you say a English Tanka is 5 lines and this poem is 6. Is that a typo, maybe?
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