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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lilladybug/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
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26
26
Review of Introspection  
Review by LilLadyBug
Rated: E | (3.0)
Your poem has a wonderful positive message, but the lack of grammar and what grammar is there is used mistakenly leads to problems with the flow of the piece. The word towards should always be toward. You use the word deprecating, and it should be depreciating in order to match your rhyming scheme. Speaking of your rhyming scheme, have you tried writing this in a non rhyming way? If you did perhaps your wonderful positive message would be received in a less cheesy way. As it is, trying to make the rhymes makes this somewhat cheesy and very unlikable at times....like "As John Mayer sang "Waiting On The World to Change recently, It is up to you and me to better our lots in this life completely" and there are one or two others like that which are just a little odd.

Keep Writing! :)
27
27
Review by LilLadyBug
Rated: E | (3.0)
Line three I suggest taking the to off the end. It doesn't seem to add to the poem and in fact I think it would add to the meaning because with the to there I kind of expect something more. With the to there I want you to tell me what he has failed to do. Without it I am satisfied with knowing that you just feel God hasn't failed you. Suggest in the line Drizzles falling onto my face that you just use on rather than onto... Next line Sunrays is one word. In the next line you don't need the comma after God. If you want the pause reverse the wording to Perhaps, God. In the next line why use I then smile which is awkward instead of Then I smile. You say then I had decided not...why say Not having a favorite color instead of I had no favorite color And then you can start the next line with Yet now I have got one It should be The color...Remove That tone and just leave it at Of your skin.

I think you need to rethink the wording of this poem and use some punctuation to improve the flow and rhythm. I like the poem. I like the idea. I just think with a few minor switches and some grammar you could definitely have a more polished piece.

Keep writing :)
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