You have a cute twist at the end, but in some ways it disappoints too. As a reader you feel somehow "cheated." The dread that you put into this piece deserves something else at the end. Maybe and old spider web, or several that her mom wanted her to clean up.
"Who could understand what she was facing? Josie was so very alone and afraid. She felt so angry, confused, and abandoned. Who would blame her if she just ran away and disappeared?" Is a example of this exaggeration.
Additionally, I feel like you overuse adjectives. It seems like every noun must be proceeded by some modifier.
one small suggestion:
bedroom was indeed the source of all of her nightmares now (would be instead of was)
this is a nice piece. I feel like I'm in the head of this woman. The descriptions are excellent.
Here are my suggestions:
My husband us a.. (is)
The thought is exhilarating, yet apprehensive (It sounds like the thought is apprehensive. I'd say: ...,yet I feel....)
gingerly (at) the bottom
appear to be(comma) considering
to carry up out (our?) enormously steep,
the case gingerly down( 2nd repetition of gingerly)
ear protection on (comma) I can...
I imagine I should (be).
Nice inspirational poem. I found 1 mistake: mysteries
One thing though, instead of the commoners becoming royals why not make all the royals commoners?
Timmy struggled vainly as Auntie pulled him through the doorway into the burroway. She turned and pulled him along it now, (Right here you switch from present tense to the past! )
(Now you're back in the present)good Bunny,” Auntie says. “Wait here and I will add some warm water for you to bathe before breakfast”. She turns and walks out
You need to choose a tense and stick with it. Most authors go with the past tense, it's the most logical; they are telling you a story so it all happened in the past. Of course, with dialogue you can use whatever the person say since it is a direct quote.
I had a hard time trying to read this. There's really something here but...... Keep working on it is my advice.
Of course(comma) all of these
wake you" she was (wake you." She was...)
"Use the lever( comma)" I pleaded.
"I'm an art therapy major" which I remember before she said it. ( needs rewriting)
nude woman laying (lying)
"Was this band big?" ( a big band? but big is unclear...big meaning many members or is it popular?)
She seemed please (pleased)
her should she (shoulder)
as I fall in love with any girl in most moments. (unclear: most moments there probably aren't any girls around)
(note I'm never going to finish this if I don't just get to the story. suffice it to say, this piece need a lot of cleaning up)
i just flew by about 10 more mistakes and this one stopped me "She was lived in West Virginia... From your story i can tell you're talented but this should be much better proofread before you put it up here to be reviewed!
this is a strong piece with real emotion! So much of what I read here is boring! Not this!
Keep it up. Below are some suggestions, most of them are commas. I'd suggest you check out some stuff here on the net about them.
Of course (comma) Jaliel never found
look in her face (look on her face )
He couldn’t leave her out of some form of deep-seated emotions (this isn't clear)
Compared to most church mothers(comma) she was, in a sense, pretty cool.
...the word(comma) but she was always
like a professional offensive lineman(comma) he...
head(comma) which only caused
swoon for. (swoon over.)
for me now (comma) there’s no reason..
Great job. This has a quirky, "what the hell" feel to it. Reminds me of Chuck Pahulinik, author of Fight club, feel. I'd develop this into a short story or even an entire novel.
A few suggestions:
...on Sundays she and Ray had seafood, Sundays they splurged. (...on Sundays she and Ray splurged and had seafood,)
3.50$ ($3.50)
"Big Deal!" Ray said.
moved slow between them (slowly)
point 7: I said "Read a book" In fact you should read a lot of them! What better way to learn how to do something than by observing how "the masters" do it?
point six; obviously bad dialog is BAD but starting with "look! There goes Bruce Lee is the dumbest thing you listed.
Oh, this is cool. And what a day to read it while people are cheering in the streets because ....because what? Who cares!
The story has a great protagonist....a bit out of it, clever in a dumb way....I'm going to be your first fan!
Some suggestions:
Carolyn, Courtney (I'd change one name)
I offered up my gifts. why not : a glass of wine
2x mitigate ...damage
...was truly an ingenious plot. A single signal, sent via satellite,... (I think this jump is too fast....)
Nice song! I'm trying to hear it as music, but can't. What style would this be sung in? Soft ballad, upbeat? I love music and am always amazed when a song I've read is sung, or vice versa.
A few corrections that won't change the sound:
like the suns (sun's)
heavens shore (heaven's)
with in (within)
This is a cute little poem. Below are some corrections and one suggestions:
we live on Ridgewood Dr. (lived)
went a bit to far (too)
A big YELLOW, SLIMMY, (slimy)
Then They ate it raw (they)
I have got to go now for now I got to bail (2x got , 2x now..do you like this?)
Very nice piece and considering your age I'd say it's remarkable. I'm not one to write poetry, so I'm hesitant to offer suggestions, but here goes anyway:
With a strange fear of mine ( mine rhymes with line but doesn't seem to fit here. I tried searching for another word to use unsuccessfully....maybe you can do it..maybe it's spot on and i don't know what I#m talking about.
anyway, great job.
I like this poem. I know that feeling when betrayal is everywhere around you and there's nothing you can
really do. i don't write poetry so I may be way off here, but why is the last line just hanging there by itself?
It seems like it just ends as an afterthought.
Wow, this is great! I can see why you like my piece The Rebel Clown Army so much. Here's what i recommend:
Change the title with civil war to something that sounds more modern and grabs our attention. Putrid kiss of our offspring, something like that. Also the first paragraph should be simpler and pack more punch. I had no clue where you were going and didn't know the word golem plus who is rabbi Loew? The rest of the piece flowed beautifully and poignantly.
a few more suggestions:
recovered somewhat(comma) but was....
eyes like smoldering coals (Could you say something else here? I don't want to say it's a cliche, but it's been said a lot.)
paranoiac epidemic (paranoid "something" , I don't like epidemic it doesn't seem to fit)
postwar memories (trauma?)
return?, I wondered. (Do you need I wondered? why not just leave it as a question?)
i look forward to reading more of your stuff...i feel we are riding on the same train! I became your first fan of this!
This is an interesting piece, but I think you could have expanded it a bit more, added a dialog. I have a feeling this is the "truth" rather than fiction.
When it comes to telling stories, in my opinion, fiction is more fun.
I run into this all the time. Family and friends are not the best for getting a good review. (good meaning: critical/ helpful - like yours are.) Friends ask questions like: I didn't know you did this or that, when did that happen? Well, it didn't, not exactly or more likely, not at all. I'm just playing with "what if", but still somewhere in there you find me, or the "me" I'd like to be today, if I were more charming, more exciting, crazier, whatever! You get the point. Fiction is the place where you can let it all hang out. Be a drug addict, prostitute (male , of course) a terrorist, a priest, whatever!
I reviewed a piece here recently and suggested to the writer where she could pep up her story. She wrote back insulted, and said every word was the "truth" and she wouldn't dare change it. Okay???
The funny thing is what exactly is the "truth".Talk to a couple who divorced and see how each one tells a different story, a different truth. Hey, now that might be a fun story! Become a marital counselor and spill the beans on everybody!
humerous. (humorous)
something *out* there (I've never seen this "punctuation" before. Why not just put out in italics?)
But I guess I better learn (I'd better lean)
This is a cute piece that reminds me of my childhood days.
I wish I knew where this took place, since rattlesnakes are not everywhere.
I think this is a mistake. I'm not sure what exactly you wanted to say:
Sara wedding marched (Sara's wedding procession...)
They had traveled too far for his wife the man knew, ( The man knew they had traveled too far for his wife,)
Not that it was his fault mind you, first the damn.. (It was not his fault that first the damn ...)
the city. Then the fire... (the city, then came the fire...
to let her give birth. (where they planned for her to have the baby.)
So here they marched...(So they marched... to the nearest...)
“Not now” he pleaded. (“Not now,” he pleaded.) ...off Plymouth, (from Plymouth,) give birth?” (give birth.”)
“Of course it would” she.. ( “Of course it would,” she...) weather (whether)
“Boy?” the man asked confused. (Boy?) drop the rest.
Interesting read. It's hard to get into the action with so many new names and It's hard to "take sides". Perhaps having one protagonist would make it easier for the reader. Dialog also would help so we feel what they are doing, thinking, etc.
some suggestions:
meagre sun now meagre existence (you need a new word) ( meager)
At the last (At last,...)
Krushchev (this name forces me to think of Russia!)
In less than five hours(comma) the entire regiment was destroyed to a man. There are several other sentences where you should insert a comma. example : horrific losses (comma) but the sheer
humanly possible (why say humanly? I would think that is possible only for this species here)
the 24th were in the midst (was)
surprised none (no one)
casualty projection was less than 100 Billion (why such a huge number? imagine cleaning up later)
well, it's different!
I'm not a fan of stories where the writer breaks all the rules of capitalization and punctuation except in dialogs or 3rd person narratives.
Why not just do it straight?
wouldnt keep you waiting (wouldn't)
Otherwise, it's not bad, but the ending is a bit much. He was shot and came to you, instead of a hospital?
I should have started with the first chapter! Anyway here are a few suggestions:
With all the other passengers that had been aboard the same jet, looking for rooms to say the least was chaotic.
sounds choppy. How about: Chaos ensued, when all the passengers who had been on the flight started looking for rooms to stay in.
Now when she walked beside him she walked a little close... (2x walked! rewrite to get one)
Breanna'a room (Breanna's )
Looking for room 943b Breanna'a room Aaron toted their luggage. 2x room.... How about: Aaron helped her carry the luggage to her room. Short and simple!
Start a new paragraph each time one of them talks like:
before he prepared to leave.
"Everthing seems to be in order here, you'll be fine here. I'll be down the hall in room 980b, here's my phone number if you need anything". He put the number down by the card that unlocked the door on a nearby( nightstand?) lightstand. "Okay?" he asked.
"I'll be fine," she said.
Then he picked up his luggage and left to find his room that was just down the hall.
I like this piece! You've got a solid story here. I suggest you space it out, add more punctuation and reread and rewrite it till you can't make it better!
Some starting items:
....body knew how it happened (nobody?)
...if a bomb went of. (off)
We walked twenty three miles towards ... Is that far enough to survive the radiation? Better you go 75 miles or more also since it's Russia I'd switch to kilometers (100 miles = 60 kilometers)
Today the situation was far more bleak (is)
...me in the eye, (eyes)
from him wincing in pain. (drop "him" here.)
wanted to die more in my own.” (I'm not sure what you mean by in my own? you could just drop it)
most adept for survival lived the attack. (do you mean survived the attack?
Some said India, others Germany. (What? shot the nukes first?)
resurrected (what did? the rays of light?)
his pupils..... adjusted to a major shift in time. (really?)
gathering himself together (how did he do that?)
As the machine spit (do machines spit?)
guilt circled him like shark bait. (How does guilt do that?)
...every time I've knocked on (every time I knocked...it's past)
bird," he started. (started what? you could just drop this completely)
I want my god damn bird back," she said in a firm tone. Drop: she said in a firm tone. we know who said it and the tone is obvious.
she exclaimed. (same here)
her muscles constricted tightly around her bones (Huh? I don't think so)
"Damn it," he swore aloud into a long stream of obscenities. (I'd rewrite this.)
(amount (o) laundry) (he'd make when she would awake; 2x would)
I'm running out of space. I feel you are trying too hard to sound different and creating some weird stuff here. (see above)I'll continue with this but so far my impression is that it could be a lot better.
Some suggestions: She faces toward the ocean with a stillness, I've never witnessed in another person.
The wind picks up tendrils of her long dark hair and blows them about her face.
a moment that stretched into seconds, minutes; it could have been hours, (I think hours is over the top.)
as humiliation washes over (me) again.
these new, yet familiar, feelings
Red flushes across my cheeks instantaneously. (How do you know this?)
Exhaustion would surely swipe over me once the adrenaline began to wane. (check your tense here)
the somberness of her look leaves me in a mournful state. ( mournful state? is this your best option)
"Why is that,"; I wonder aloud. ("Why is that," I wonder aloud.)
"All right (comma) but be prepared.
sick children (comma) while
he asked for my hand in marriage. And of course, I gave him my hand!" ( I'd say: he asked for my hand in marriage and, of course, I said yes!"
been a cancer (been cancer) develop a likeness to him ( become fond of, or attracted to)
As she faces me, I can see the flecks of dark green in her (faced me) Sorry, no where to go!!!!!! Nice job...needs some polishing!
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