Hi Ben,
I know that you have another piece starred right now, but I read this poem last week on the way to work and it really caught my attention.
Title: I really do love the title, which is surprising -- usually, I suggest shying away from titles that spring from specific words within the poem itself.
Style and Voice: This poem reminds me a lot of Frost, specifically "After Apple-Picking", "Directive" and "Out, Out" -- I know that you're a Frost fan, so it's possible you're acquainted with these .
Anyway, the biting sense of humor is perfect for this structured poem. Nice balance between style and form.
Word Choice: I have to say that overall, your diction is awesome. I do, however, have a couple of nitpickings:
I disliked "lightning quick grasp" in line three of stanza two because it is a bit of a cliched phrase.
As the pungent odor drifts across into the well-tended yards, setting The two prepositions next to each other feels disruptive; it's not grammatically incorrect, but I would advise taking "across" out.
Rhyme and Rhythm: No rhyme, as far as I can tell and no specific syllabic rhythm, either. Despite this, the poem has a strange, stilted feel characteristic of formal rhythmic poetry. Therefore, I will argue that this poem has the kind of storytelling rhythm characteristic of many types of free verse -- nicely done, as this is hard to pull off effectively.
The only time I lost the rhythm of the poem itself is in stanzas three and four, within that sentence that starts with "As the shadows stretch . . ." I think the problem is that the sentence is way too long, and so my understanding of the narrative flow was disrupted, thus disrupting the poetic rhythm as well. Consider cutting the sentence after "puddles" in stanza four, line one.
Imagery: I love the images in this poem -- the light, humorous images in the first half of the poem, the exacting images like "dissipating ripples of light" or "liquid darkness", or even the use of "Applegate Hill". I have nothing but praise.
Theme and Meaning: A sharp social critique that equates human and beast to roadkill. What intrigues me about this poem, however, is that the narrator is the one unable to tell apart the different animals, which suggests:
1. The narrator doesn't give a crap for the animals (which goes against the overall sense of the poem)
2. The narrator doesn't think there's much difference between the animal and the human
3. Telling them apart doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, especially after a gruesome death has occurred.
I think that numbers two and three are givens, yet the lingering afterthought of number one gives this poem a deliciously sadistic feel that will probably be noticed by only your more disturbed readers (aka me ).
Personal Opinion: Ready for publication, with a few minor nitpickings. *nods sagely* The only issue is to find the right market. A few suggestions:
* Adirondak Review at http://adirondackreview.homestead.com/summer2009.h... -- they want a "quality of timelessness", which I think your poem embodies.
* Autumn Sky Poetry -- http://www.autumnskypoetry.com/archive/Submission_... -- many of their poems have the same ruminative feel
* Aurorean -- http://www.encirclepub.com/poetry/aurorean/about -- however, they don't accept online subs, so they're not listed in the Let's Publish! database
* Falling Star Magazine -- http://geocities.com/mcgee4468/fsm.html -- our very own Dave has been published in this venue.
Hope this helps! Here's to finding this poem a home.
Cheers,
emerin-liseli
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