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76
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Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello!

Your Secret Pal has gifted you this review!



What I Liked:

There's a sort of dark humor to this story that I enjoyed. I like the vagueness of the ending - it works nicely.

Suggestions for Improvement:

I would change the rating on this piece to 18+ because of the language, just to be safe.

Most of my suggestions are nitpicky grammatical ones.

“I is made to work for you sir,” HDR542 stated as a matter of fact matter-of-factly{/n} to Mr Bigley, unnecessary space here
who looked at this strange machine in front of him with a funny look on his face.

Mr Hebert Bigley, aged 80, with had a son who was always up to date with the most technical word choice - I would try "innovative" or "recent" machinery of the time.[,] He also had recently lost his wife. I would make this two sentences.

After all, he was not a silly man, was he?


“Food,[.]” Hhe said to it.

“I want eat!” he yelled, staring at it flabbergasted.[,] How is was it Tom could work these things SO easily, and yet he couldn’t get it to just give him something to eat.

He could hear the rumble of his stomach and looked sadly at the fridge, knowing if he had to go get something himself it would be hard for him to get up. unnecessary phrase.

Final Notes:

Just fixing a few grammatical errors will make this piece dramatically better! Best of luck!


Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli


A sig for my personal use.
77
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Review of AMONG FRIENDS  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!



What I Liked:

Another sweet poem - I really enjoyed it! As always, your presentation is good and the grammar flawless. This is a great poem to read or give to a friend, and I'm sure whoever was your inspiration would really appreciate it. *Smile*

Suggestions for Improvement:

Again, my only comment is to be careful of those lines where the rhythm is a little off. I would sacrifice redundant words in order to preserve the melodic flow.

Among friends, hearts entwine intertwine.

Here, the line feels a little too short. Try another word.

to make it flourish and grow, that’s a fact.

This felt a little long and bumpy. Try taking off "and grow".

and with it real happiness does it bring.

Not only is it redundant, but the "with it" sounds awkward.

Final Notes:

Another cute poem. Thanks for sharing, and write on!


Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli


A sig for my personal use.
78
78
Review of STARS AND GHOSTS  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!



What I Liked:

Another strong poem - I like the progression of emotions and the resolution at the end, and the recurring images of the stars. Nice work!

Suggestions for Improvement:

There are a few places where the meter feels off. I think the problem is that some lines are a little too long.


The stars seemingly seem to urge me to let go,

Reducing one syllable from this line creates a better flow.


Stars shimmer down on me as I walk on,

Again, reducing the syllables improve the flow.

Final Notes:

Other than a few nitpickings here and there, this is a fine poem. Thank you for sharing.


Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli


A beautiful sig. Thanks, Roxy!
79
79
Review of APRIL  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!

Sherri darling, I am so sorry it took me so long to get to your reviews. But here I am now.



What I Liked:

It's February, and it's cold. What a nice, warm poem to savor! I love the imagery and the juxtaposition of the different senses. Great rhyme scheme and rhythm!

Suggestions for Improvement:

April’s the month for Spring showers:[;]
green leaves budding, and beautiful flowers.

A colon is more appropriate here

In April, warm breezes come our way.

Missing a comma here.

Final Notes:

Nice poem - very appropriate for children, I think, although older audiences will appreciate it, too.


Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli


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Review of Lost You  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello!



What I Liked:

Short, sweet, and very thoughtful. What I enjoy about your poetry is how purposeful it is. The author's voice and intent shines through even in such a sparsely worded piece.

Suggestions for Improvement:

Quite frankly, though, this poem isn't doing much for me. I feel like I've read a good number of poems that are similar. The sparseness works, to a point; however, there's nothing illuminating within the words. I don't come away with anything new. There's no experimentation, interesting diction, hidden meaning, etc. that sets this poem apart from others attempting a similar style.

A few suggestions:

Play with tense. The most interesting line in the poem is "could have fought" because it stands out. There's that verb could that adds an interesting dimension. The second line of each stanza - I'm thinking of how the effect will change if the last line of the poem was "forget you" instead.

Consider taking out the "you"'s in the second line of the piece.

Consider playing with synonyms and other words. Stuff like "Hurt you", "failed you" and "lost you" are commonplace terms. What about phrases no one has ever heard of, like "diminished you" or "released you" or "plummeted you"? I think exchanging just one of those second liners with a line that is a bit more original and creative would add a whole new weight to the poem.

Final Notes:

These are just suggestions to play around with. I hope they help! Good luck!


Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli


A sig for my personal use.
81
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Review of The Lady  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!



What I Liked:

Beautiful description - nicely cut stanzas, and I love the way this piece ends. I love the way you used enjambment; I found it particularly effective.

Suggestions for Improvement:

before i never noticed the simple fact

I didn't quite understand this line. I figured its meaning would be illuminated as the poem continued, but after reading through the poem a couple times, I still don't know what the "simple fact" is.

I liked the interesting and purposeful play with capitalization, but I didn't really see any point in the capitalization in the last line of the poem and the second line of the second stanza. Not capitalizing "i" is interesting because it seems to diminish the effect of the speaker and instead heightens "the lady" - perhaps consider capitalizing "her". That might be interesting.

And one very nitpicky note:

with softened features clearly
defined against the backdrop of nature

Technically, there should be an "ly" there.

Final Notes:

Overall, a thoughtful, well-written poem. Thank you for sharing! I enjoyed your work.


Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli


Made for the Virtual Quilt!
82
82
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello!



I saw that this didn't have any reviews/ratings so I thought I'd drop my two cents... *Smile*

What I Liked:

What an informative and interesting piece! I actually learned something in a way that was both entertaining and fact-filled. I liked the fact that it was brief; history was never my favorite subjects. You gave us a good overview without completely boring us.

Suggestions for Improvement:

If this is an academic essay, I'm not sure if you want to be citing Wikipedia, which isn't exactly famous for its accuracy.

After the second sentence, you've got an extra period.

The last sentence of the first paragraph was a little bulky for me - a lot of words and strings of descriptions. I would have liked maybe just a little more explanation; for instance, which method of writing came with which "paper" substitute.

These ancient writings don't only provide us with entertainment, it aslo also provide us with insight into the worlds and times in which they were written.

Typo!

I liked the fact you talked about the different eras; however, I would have loved to hear more about when these eras were. When do you consider the "era of computers" to be? When was the "literary trend era"?

Final Notes:

Hope this review helps! With a little tweaking, this piece could really shine.


Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli


A beautiful sig. Thanks, Roxy!
83
83
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!

Sorry this took so long - I'm getting you your two "leftover" reviews from the UPGRADE AIDES Contest.



What I Liked:

This poem is written entirely in a series of rhetorical questions - nice job with that sense of rhythm and keeping the reader from getting bored with it.

Suggestions for Improvement:

A few nitpickings:

I wasn't quite sure what SMS is - maybe it's slang I'm just not familiar with? *Laugh*

I saw that "cried silently" was in red, and I'm guessing that's for a contest. Maybe if it's now over, you want to change it back.

In the second stanza, I thought it odd that you broke off from the rhetorical questions - usually, when you break way from the set scheme, it's to make a certain emphasis. However, I didn't see any such emphasis in those two lines.

Every time I received an SMS, every time I heard a phone ringing,
I always thought that it was you...

Try making it:

That every time I heard a phone ring, I thought it was you?

Or something similar.

Final Notes:

Hope this helps! Overall, this is a smooth poem that reads well and was a pleasure to read.

Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli


Made for the Virtual Quilt!
84
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Review of Calling Me Home  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Thank you for requesting a review from
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What I Liked:

I really liked the color arrangement - it was really cool, which is surprising because I usually don't like the use of writing mL like that.

You have some lovely imagery within this poem, none of it really cliche, which is always refreshing. Great job!

Suggestions for Improvement:

Consider not arbitrarily capitalizing the first letter of each line but instead capitalizing as you would naturally in prose.

I have a few suggestions regarding punctuation.

For instance, in the first stanza, that last line as it's own separate sentence - "Beacon of hope in the darkness" - sounds stilted. I would make the period in the previous stanza a colon, perhaps.

In the second stanza, however, instead of a semicolon in the second line, I would use a comma. Semicolons are only used to connect two independent sentences - basically, it stands in for a period, not a comma, which is an easy mistake to make. So basically both halves of the sentence should read as separate sentences.

Whew!

So therefore, in the last stanza, I wouldn't use a semicolon there either. A comma is more appropriate.

Final Notes:

Hope this helps! Keep on writing!


Thank you for your consideration, and please stop by our forum again!


--Emerin

** Image ID #1307066 Unavailable **
85
85
Review of Majesty  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hey there!

Thank you for requesting a review from
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What I Liked:

This was very interesting and can be seen as allegorical in nature. Tension and the narrator's reactions keeps a steady pace and propels the reader toward the climactic end. Nice job!

Suggestions for Improvement:

First off, please add line breaks between paragraphs - just that additional space of line will really facilitate the reading process.

I didn't realize the narrator was female until over halfway into the piece. Honestly, I assumed the narrator was male. I wish there was some way to know earlier.

A few nitpickings:

As I lay completely motionless, I was filled with what seemed like a thousand emotions, fear being the most prominent. Missing a comma. Also, I would take out "completely." It's unnecessary - you can't be partially motionless. You either are or aren't.

The huge oak tree above me did look vaguely familiar with its multi-colored autumn leaves; strangely, I found the sight somehow soothing, yet unstettling at the same time. Don't capitalize the "s".

If I could have rolled over or even maneuvered myself to a different angle, maybe I could have seen something to provide me with a clue to where I was or how I had gotten there. Missing a comma. I took out that phrase because it was wordy and I felt that it wasn't really doing anything.

I could hear a near, soft, peaceful sound that seemed very near, but for the longest time, it too was unidentifiable. Careful about wordiness and overkill. This piece has the potential to be really gripping - cutting out unnecessary phrases like "that seemed very near" (easily replaced with "near") will heighten the pace.

I knew if I had had feeling could feel I would have been extremely uncomfortable; And, the multi-color of the leaves reminded me that autumn was well upon us.[;] so it was easy to deduce that I was cold, wet, and lying in mud - certainly not my idea of an ideal bed. Break this up - there's no need for this to all be one long sentence. Also, I'm not quite sure of the part I highlighted in red. Why is that even necessary? You've already told us it's autumn and about the multi-color. It seems repetitious and unnecessary.

It seemed to overtake all my other emotions like a boa constrictor sucking the life out of its prey. In appropriate description - I'm not sure boas "suck" out life - how about "squeeze"?

I did long longed to know what had happened . . ."did long" felt inappropriate.

As I lay watching the clouds change into different picture images, I pondered the unthinkable: “How could things get worse?” If there's this massive oak tree and all she could see before was the multicolored leaves, then how can she now see the clouds? Also, capitalize that "h".

I didn’t even know exactly why. I did know it seemed as if the world had stopped and was holding its breath until the thing passed. Okay, I don't quite know the point of that sentence. It didn't really do anything for me. I would take it out altogether. If you want to use the line I crossed out, I would move it right after the sentence ending with "pure terror".

But it proved to be strong,[;] holding sturdy in the storm as if it was a battle it had fought and won many times. Be careful with semicolon use. Semicolons connect two independent clauses - basically both halves of a sentence connected with a semicolon should be able to stand as individual sentences. And also remember that the less semicolon use the better - overusing any type of odder punctuation e.g. em-dashes, colons, ellipses, semicolons - leads to distracting writing.

Final Notes:

I hope this helps! This piece has a lot of potential for improvement - with a little revising, I think it can really shine.

Good luck, and happy writing!

Thank you for your consideration, and please stop by our forum again!


--Emerin

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Review of Victims Anonymous  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello!



What I Liked:

OH, CREEPY! I totally didn't see that coming - ugh. You've done a great job building up suspense and keeping the reader's attention. The way you characterize Todd in just 500 words is amazing - you manage to give him vengeance, a past, and really deep hurts. Great job with this piece! I am totally impressed.

Suggestions for Improvement:

He cursed as lead-heavy feet changed their course . . . I would hyphenate.

Final Notes:

Great story. I enjoyed it immensely.


Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli


** Image ID #1307066 Unavailable **
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Review of Letter From Somme  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello!



What I Liked:

A sweet and touching letter that vividly brings to life the horrible experiences of war - I thought it was brutal and realistic without overdoing the violence. Nice sense of balance.

Suggestions for Improvement:

The evenings are much quieter.[,] The once deep trench littered with dirty soldiers filled with promise,are now left with empty shells of our former selves. I would break this up because this sentence felt a little awkwardly structured to me.

I also felt "my love" was overused a bit - I would have loved other terms of endearment (honey, darling, etc).

Final Notes:

Overall a strong story told in letter form. I enjoyed reading this!


Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli


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Review of Gossip  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello!



What I Liked:

Wow! You sure packed a bunch in 100 words. I get the sense of a southern small town, the gossip, the tight-knit society - all within 100 words. Great job.

Suggestions for Improvement:

Barbara heard%u2014
Good Lord alive! Word is%u2014

I'm not quite sure what the %u2014 is - I'm sure it's just a formatting error of some type.

Final Notes:

A great story to read in one quick sitting, leaving the reader with brief impressions. Nicely done.


Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli


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Review of Poetry & Prose  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello!



What I Liked:

This is a great collection of poetry I enjoyed sifting through. You have some wonderful work in here!

Suggestions for Improvement:

None!

Final Notes:

Keep up the great writing!


Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli


A sig for my personal use.
90
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Review of Gray Rain  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!



What I Liked:

Wow! Another creative poem in an interesting format. I like the sci-fi aspects - very nicely done within the constraints of a form. Now this might be digging too deep, but I think the way the letters go backward reminds me of "counting down" to the earth's conquest *Smile*.

Suggestions for Improvement:

Only one minor nitpicking:

As aliens descend, making their conquest.

I think a comma might be appropriate here.

Final Notes:

Another great poem - thoughtful and imaginative. I enjoyed this a lot!



Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli


Made for the Virtual Quilt!
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Review of Seize the Day  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello!



What I Liked:

I had no idea what this form was, so thanks for providing the link - yay! I learned something new today! *Smile*

I definitely like the way you used the form and I see why this was a winning entry. It's a lot of fun, and I like how creative you were with the idea of waking up in the morning.

Suggestions for Improvement:

None to make *Smile*.

Final Notes:

A lot of fun - a short and sweet read. I enjoyed reading this!


Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli


A sig for my personal use.
92
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Review of Poetry  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hey there!




What I Liked:

I really enjoyed sifting through this folder of poetry - you have some great material in here!

Suggestions for Improvement:

I would definitely go back and change the content rating on this folder - make it ASR because of the mixture of item ratings in this folder. If you don't have a rating, then this folder won't show up on WDC search, which means people can't find it as easily, which means less readers - so I would strongly recommend changing the rating.

Final Notes:

Thanks for letting me stop by and review your work!




--Emerin

** Image ID #1307066 Unavailable **
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Review of To My Daughter  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey there!



What I Liked:

Another sweet, touching poem - I could really feel the love and I liked the details that you used. Again, this is definitely a poem that your daughter would love once she's old enough to! (How old is she? I don't know *Smile*).

Suggestions for Improvement:

Please be careful with your v. you're. "You're" is used for "you are". "Your" is the possessive.

When you say mama because your you're sad.

Or scream it when your you're really mad.

Your You're our life, our whole world.

Just be careful.

The sleepless nights and restless days,[.]
Was were always wonderful even though I was in a haze. A comma, not a period is appropriate at the end of that line. I think that you should really consider NOT using periods at the end of every line in a poem. It's sort of stilting and is especially inappropriate when one line isn't one complete sentence.

Final Notes:

Hope this helps! This poem has a lot of potential - a little tweaking, and it'll really shine.




--Emerin

** Image ID #1307066 Unavailable **
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Review of The elusive story  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!



What I Liked:

Thanks for sharing such deep thoughts and your views on your writing philosophy - very thoughtful and interesting. You use such beautiful figurative language to illustrate your feelings.

Suggestions for Improvement:

I find myself in the dark, trying to recall those glittering, elusive things, words that dart around in my head like shoals of fish. Missing a few commas here.

Memories of a distant past[,] and unexplained adventures all swarm me, wanting to be put on paper, but whenever I discover the courage to delve into these undiscovered depths, the stories and words vanish as an overused well dries up in the summer heat. A few more comma errors

Final Notes:

Other than a few misplaced commas, this piece is perfect! Thanks so much for sharing.


Thank you for your consideration!

emerin-liseli


A sig for my personal use.
95
95
Review of The Break Up  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey there!

Thank you for requesting a review from
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What I Liked:

You've presented a situation where the reader can automatically identify with the main character of the story and pity her. You've done a great job giving us a lot of backstory on Jewel without making this sound like "telling" or reeling off a long string of facts. Nice job!

Suggestions for Improvement:

The main issue in this piece right now is the grammar making it difficult to read. *Cry* But - on the bright side, grammar is the easiest thing to fix. I encourage you to go back and fix up the mistakes within this piece.

Also, if you could, please put line breaks between paragraphs - it just makes it easier for others to read and review.

On another note: I think I would make this piece either ASR or 13+ just because you mention beer, breaking up, imply other boyfriend/girlfriend activities. *Smile* It's always better to be on the safe side than to get your ratings privileges revoked. *Smile*

Some nitpickings:

He came over one night, no different from any other night.[,] I had not seen him in a couple of days, but that was not unusual. Run-on sentence. You want to make this two sentences.

My breath left me in a rush.[,] Oh no, had he lost his job? Same comment - run-on sentence.

I My first thought was, So much for the bended knee kind of proposal. I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to say here, but I think this might be close to it. *Smile*

Then it hit me. [,] We had not talked about moving in together since Christmas.[,] It was now early summer. Again, be careful with the run-ons.

Dialogue grammar:

Okay, please be very careful with the dialogue grammar. One of the easiest ways to tell whether a writer is proficient in skill is to take a glance at dialogue, just because it's so difficult to perfect.

"Hi ya," he said . . . You need a comma there.

"Hi ya, yourself. I hope you are hungry. I made your favorite, meatloaf,[.]" I replied . . . Same comment. You want a comma.

"Hmm," he said. Comma!!

"We have to talk," he said. Comma!

"I am getting married," he said . . Comma!

Okay, I think you get the drift. Basically, there needs to be a comma BEFORE the ending quotation marks, if there's a "said, remarked, asked, etc" afterward.

Final Notes:

Fixing up the grammar in this piece would make it improve tremendously. Keep working on it! You've got a lot of potential here!

Thank you for your consideration, and please stop by our forum again!


--Emerin

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Review of The Interview  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey there!

Thank you for requesting a review from
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What I Liked:

A story with a lot of tension, some drama, some scandal - what more could you want in a short story? *Wink* You've done a great job painting some unique characters and drawing the readers into the story.

Suggestions for Improvement:

Most of my nitpickings are grammatical ones that can easily be fixed. Just go back and proofread this once more.

The warm summer breeze blew through the open widow of the city hotel room,[;] forcing the thin white curtains to billow into the room You want a comma here, not a semicolon.

Abandoning his search, James angrily threw a dirty pair of pants across the room and went to answer the door. Missing a comma.

At James' confused look, the man said, "I'm Luke Brown, we spoke over the phone last Tuesday." Careful with those commas.

Then he yelled to his wife, "Hurry up! That reporter I told you about last week is here to interview us." Again, watch the commas and the dialogue punctuation.

After scanning the room, James soon found the host of this particular party, an intelligent man of the name named John. Again, watch the comma. I changed "of the name" to "named" because it's unnecessarily wordy - remember, if you can say it in less words with the same meaning, it's always better. *Smile*

Final Notes:

You've got a good pretext going and a nice story - working a little on making the story concise and fixing up the grammar will make this story shine.



Thank you for your consideration, and please stop by our forum again!


--Emerin

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97
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Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey there!

Note: I am so sorry about how long this review took. *Cry* Please accept my humblest apologies - other "in real life" stuff popped up.

Thank you for requesting a review from
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What I Liked:

Wow! I'm really impressed by this story. *Smile* I think you did a great job capturing the feel of a high school athlete; I get the feel of teenage tension, friendship, and energy through the dialogue and humor.

Suggestions for Improvement:

Just one little thing for you: be careful about your use of passive verbs (forms of the verb "to be" - was, were, being, be, etc). Take a look at this passage:

The first match was a blur. I think I was more concerned with just getting it over then than actually winning. I was nervous and the kid I was wrestling knew what he was doing. One rookie mistake and it was all over. The funny part is that I actually had a smile on my face as I was getting pinned.

Do you see how that can get repetitive for the reader? Now try this:

The first match was a blue. I think I paid more attention to just getting it over than actually winning. I felt nervous and the kid I wrestled knew his stuff. One rookie mistake and it was all over. The funny part is that I actually had a smile on my face as he pinned me.

Please remember that these are just suggestions - it's just something for you to think about, *Smile*

Final Notes:

Overall a very polished, very professional piece that I enjoyed reading. Nice job!

Thank you for your consideration, and please stop by our forum again!


--Emerin

** Image ID #1307066 Unavailable **
98
98
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey there!

Thank you for requesting a review from
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What I Liked:

This is a creative poem with a nice form to it. You've done a nice job working within a rhyme and rhythm scheme. I enjoyed reading your piece. *Smile*

Suggestions for Improvement:

The second couplet - "form" doesn't really rhyme with "harm". I would try a rhyme with "perform" (the most popular is the need we have to perform?).

I had to wonder why some random lines were in a smaller font. Is it because those lines don't all fit in one WDC line? If that is so, that's a good indication that the particular line is rally wordy.

Example:

their rove in blindness will lead them leads to the cove where they will be shown see their missed tithing.

That shortens the line considerably while making the couplet more compact while adding the stresses on the internal rhymes where they should fall.

There were a few lines that weren't presented in the same way the other couplets were.

Examples:

Do they think when they support their portrayal of betrayal with surveyal...
...we will stop demanding defrayal.

Our courage in our passage to deliver the message...
... should help them envisage the wrongness of the abusage.

If we only knew how few are the moments anew...
... we would endue every view.

Final Notes:

Hope this helps!

Thank you for your consideration, and please stop by our forum again!


--Emerin

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Review of The Reason I Walk  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey there!

Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" !



What I Liked:

Wow! What a touching tribute! I'm sure your fiancee was thrilled. I would be if someone wrote me such a lovely poem. *Laugh* I liked how you picked up specific character traits and how personal the tone is.

Suggestions for Improvement:

Just a few nitpickings:

My calm, supportive Laura, never phased fazed

Be careful with the homonyms. You want "fazed" here, not "phased" (the latter refers to like, phases of the moon, phases of time, etc, the former to be ruffled or irritated).

She’s both muse and music both to my choir

I thought "both" sounded a bit awkward after "muse and music". That's just a personal opinion, though.

Final Notes:

Continue the fantastic writing! I enjoyed your poem.

Thank you for your consideration, and good luck on the contest!


--Emerin

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Review of GO AWAY?  
Review by emerin-liseli
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello!

This is the only poem in this folder that I haven't reviewed - so I thought I might as well make a clean job of it and review this one, too. *Laugh*

What I Liked:

I can definitely relate with this poem! Haven't we all felt like this about someone we love at one point in time? A nice poem about denial and coming to grips with our own desires. I enjoyed the use of repetition of "go away" in this piece.

Suggestions for Improvement:

I think that you could have staggered the punctuation more effectively in this piece. Perhaps in the third stanza you could have just a period instead of a question mark, and in the last couplet, take the question mark right out and just have the ... .

Also, the image at the top of this piece is no longer one anymore. *Cry* I would either replace it or take out the link.

Final Notes:

I had a great time going through your portfolio, as always, and I look forward to my next visit!


Thank you for your consideration!

--Emerin



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