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With the start of football season comes the dreaded fundraisers. I (asked)( mom) for a ride to the neighborhood on the other side of town; I heard they buy the most over there. Mom tells me to take my bike. After(a) twenty-minute bike ride and knocking on over thirty doors, I (decided) I (would) try one more house. I (knocked) and (waited) patiently, no reply. I (knocked) again, too hard this time, and the door creaks open.
"Hello?" I yelled. (drop inside) No answer. I slowly take a step inside, curious as to why someone would leave their door partially open if they were not home. I (looked) around the room. Black walls are the first thing I notice. What kind of weirdo has black walls? Clothes, papers, and garbage line the floor and (are on the) furniture. A slight stench comes from the kitchen. It is the smell of food when you leave it out too long. I round the corner to see dishes piled high. They must be at least a week old! I go back (into) the living room, shocked that somebody could live like this. The faint sound of a buzzing TV comes from upstairs. I take a few steps forward and feel a wetness seeping through my sock. A puddle lies on the floor.
A sour smell stings my nose and I decide it is time to leave. Just as I am about to shut the door, I hear a slight groan from upstairs. Somebody is home! I need to make sure whoever is there is all right. I hesitantly walk up the stairs; once again calling out, only to not be answered. I take a deep breath and round the corner. A woman lays passed out on a couch. I recognize her instantly, my kindergarten teacher, Ms. Botts
I think you have a good story line here but you leave us without understanding. Why is the teacher on the floor?? You do not give us enough information to know these things. But that being said, you do have a good story line and you need to clean it up, plus tell us about the teacher. Is she drunk or is she hurt?? Keep on writing as it will all come to you.
This is a wonderful story. It is written very well and honest. I only have one comment; I would say "I witness a homecoming" I think it sounds natural. When you say "I ran into" it sounds like you were running into a crowd?? Anyway that is my only critique for this wonderful story.
What a way to weave a story. I really liked it and it is so true that rumors are started that way.
I didn't think you had to put a period after Miss. I have never seen it before that way. Only Mrs. or Ms. but not Miss. Just like when you address an envelope to a young boy and put Master john blah blah blah.
Great review! Just the kind of film Nicolas Cage is fond of! I like it when a film start with action and ends with action. Sounds like something my hubby and I would watch. but, you are right, we have a small one, well 12 years but still, he doesn't need to see all of that gore, etc. Glad you review it because I probably would not have watched it without.
I think you have a good poem here. On the third stanza, you need to put "a peasant" And this is just a thought but instead of using as, why not put "while". I got a little hung up with "you may be wealth with possessions and currency" but you will be plagued with depression and uncertainty" only because it was longer. Maybe you can think of a way to make two stanza's with that. Anyway, it is a good poem. Great Job! Keep on writing!
I think you did a very good job if this is your first in English. There are some discrepancies but that is to be expected. I really like your story. It isn't scary, but haunting and sad. I hope that is what you were trying to accomplish. Keep up the good work as you are doing well!
Nice, very nice. I wouldn't repeat around. You have it in the first sentence - I would drop it in the second one. The forest was quiet and only the breeze
A nice observation. Your description is wonderful. One can see the trees and the plants and just a little light. Good Job!
What a great story! I like the way you described the things you saw and that were around you. I could see it all and that is wonderful way of writing. Your fear of heights does not escape e as I too have that fear. I went on a 17 station zip line and it was exhilarating. Why haven't we done these things before? I have a few comments. You have some words, like I that need to be corrected. It is not capitalized as it should be. You do need to watch your spaces when you are writing. You have several you should correct. All in all you have written a wonderful piece. Good Job! Keep on writing!
Pretty darn funny and yet not. Yo have nailed it as to how you want to call her insanity. I thought your writing was very good. Very precise. I can't see any reason to change anything at all. If you are writing for comedy this is the piece I would use. Good Job! Keep on writing!
I like your poem. It is beautiful. It flows very well also. Comments: 2nd stanza: Your heath - I think you mean health 3rd stanza: you'll discover all the many blessings - I would drop all because it would make it flow easier. Job well done! Keep writing!
I think you have done a fine job of writing. It is just like a young girls journal. On your very first sentence about Martin Luther King, can you back that up? I realize it is a young girl writing this, but making a statement like that, I believe, needs backup. Otherwise your writing is very good. Keep it up.
Yeah! Letter writing and writing in general is going by the wayside. If we can keep it going in any small way, then lets just do it. I love receiving Thank You notes or just notes saying hi, in the mail. It seems to just put a smile on my face and make my day. And, it is so much fun showing it around.
Don't forget to write. It is so important. And don't forget the cursive you were taught in school. Now they only print and somehow, to me , that is just ashamed.
Lynda
Darn! I did all of them. I guess I don't know how to link them to the forum. I will try again. I will go to my port, maybe they are there with the numbers. Thanks
Well, she's not happy. It would be much better if you separate you paragraphs. It makes for easier reading for the reader. I would read this out loud to myself to catch any misspellings or something written wrong. It really works, so give it a shot. It is a bit hard to read and understand, whys and wherefores. Maybe you could tighten it up and let us know.
You have a good writing piece, but you need to go back and use some grammar marks such as commas. And is the end chose or choice?
Redo it and it will be wonderful. Keep on writing.
How beautiful. This is an amazing spiritual poem you have written and I can see it used for many prayers. The only thing I ask is shouldn't Satin by capitalized? Otherwise, keep up the great writing!
What a wonderful story you have written. I completely understand "The Zone," as you call it. When I was able to walk and run on the Treadmill, I would get up to 4 miles in an hour. The faster I walked the quicker I would get there. When I hit it, man, I could run on the Treadmill and not stop. I loved the feeling.
Some comments:
So what happens to cause this strange happening to occur? You use happen twice here. So you don't have to repeat why not use incidence or any other word you like that is a synonym
It would help if you double poached. It makes it easier for the reader to read..
I really liked you use of the Higher Power. He is always with us, we just forget sometimes.
It appears that you have three paragraphs here and you need to separate them.
These are only suggestions. You can use them or forget them. The main thing is Keep On Writing! You are doing wonderful!
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