This is such a powerful piece. I was totally enthralled by it. The pace was just right and so suspenseful. Once I started I couldn't put it down. You did a great job of the characters too. I could just see the mischevious boy and the distraught mother. Her anguish at the end was real too. This would make a great piece for a religious newspaper or magazine.
This is a very enticing story and encourages more reading. I especially enjoyed the beginning paragraph. It pulled me right into the story. There isn't much I would change here. You did well. But you might want to go through and check for minor spelling errors such as in the first paragraph where it said: "...as the star shone..." where it should be "stars."
OMG!! That was an incredible piece. I was captured to the very last moment. And the ending was a surprise indeed. I did not expect that at all. But it was perfect. The writing was well done with just enough suggested to color in the character. Keep on writing. You are for sure an author.
Loti
This is just too funny! I loved it. Your wrote it just right.
Only thing to correct is punctuation.
In English, when someone is talking, the comma goes inside the quotation marks unless there is some other punctuation mark.
For example:
"I don't think your father is going to be too excited about that", replied Johny's mother.
should be written "I don't think your father is going to be too excited about that," replied Johny's mother.
There were a few other punctuation errors but the actual writing of the piece was excellent.
Great beginning! I was drawn from posting to posting and you created such a mystery that drew me onward. I hope you have done very well with your story.
Loti
Great message in your poem!
A few tips:
spelling of amassed
space is needed between "Alas!" and "It"
Capitalize "It"
Change "It indeed is a strange town," to "Indeed, it is a strange town," for more rhythmical and smoother reading. Many times one can change the word position in poems for better poetic rhythm. Check it out.
Sad. But truly written in a very beautiful way. I did not see anything I would change. I love the imagery of the snowflake. Really lends to the the story.
INTEREST FACTOR: this story really caught my attention and carried my interest to the end.
PLOT: this was a good plot and the ending was unexpected. Somehow I figured he would have conquered his problem. But your ending was perfect and more in character to the pastor.
CHARACTERS: Well written. I was able to empathsize with the pastor.
WHAT I LIKED THE MOST: The scenes with the love making.
WHAT I WOULD CHANGE: Perhaps a bit more fire to the conversation with his wife. She came across too unfeeling.
GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION: Looked good to me.
OVERALL IMPRESSION: I loved the story and it kept me reading to the end.
Beautiful story! Brought tears to my eyes. I am a lover of cats and have 2 of my own and they do teach many lessons. I had never thought it that way and you definitely brought home a new point of view. You did an excellent job of pulling me through the story. I did not stray for a moment.
As far a critiquing the story, I had only one correction to suggest and that was a spelling of the word meaning in the 4th paragraph. But the story was well written.
Loti
INTEREST FACTOR - I was interested right from the start, no kidding.
PLOT - believable. I thought it was really happening to the guy. And I felt sorry for him as well. Great idea having him do something as mundane as being a hood ornament.
CHARACTERS - You did very well at developing the character of that old slimeball of a man. He was very real
WHAT I LIKED THE MOST - The description of the old man!
WHAT I WOULD CHANGE - nothing at all. It was great.
GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION - nothing stood out as needing correction
OVERALL IMPRESSION - Great story with a novel twist. I was hooked.
Very exciting. A thrilling read. I think this will make a very good story and you are off to a great start. Since I am an editor as well as a writer, I am always tempted to do some editing but I didn't as I was caught up in the story.
When you have time, just read aloud to yourself and correct the areas that you find needs editing.
What a charming story and well written. I was not intending to read anything tonight and accidentally clicked on your piece. I am glad I did as I was caught up in the story unable to tear myself away. Well done.
Loti
Very cute. Definitely a different take on the old story. I'd like to see some other fairy tales written differently. Would make for some interesting reading. Only thing I could critique this for is the spelling. A few words spelled incorrectly. Otherwise, good story.
Loti
Absolutely chilling. Grabbed me and hurtled me through the story to the very end. You did an excellent job. The only sentence I did not understand was this one: "Brad raised in bow in question."
Other than that, the sentences were great. The suspense perfect. And the ending just right for the story. Thank you for the entertainment.
Loti
Very helpful and extremely well said. I was helped especially by the examples and they helped in the flow of the article as well as I had no trouble reading to the end. I would highly recommend this piece to other writers as well. You did a good job and thanks.
Loti
Great story and well written. Kept me reading to the end without losing my interest. I don't think there is anything to correct but then I was too engrossed in the story! The characters are well sketched out and I could almost see them as I read. The arrival of the wedding gift lent a special twist to the story that I liked.
Loti
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "
INTEREST FACTOR - I was interested right from the start, no kidding.
PLOT - believable. I thought it was really happening to the guy. And I felt sorry for him as well. Great idea having him do something as mundane as being a hood ornament.
CHARACTERS - You did very well at developing the character of that old slimeball of a man. He was very real
WHAT I LIKED THE MOST - The description of the old man!
WHAT I WOULD CHANGE - nothing at all. It was great.