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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ls144780
Review Requests: ON
36 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
FORMERLY idoreviews I'm honest, but not rude at all. I'll explain why I give the number of stars I give and what you could do to improve that. I do fix grammar as well as look at style, emotional triggers, and characters, and other things like that. I'll get back to you with a full review in a couple of days or so after the request, depending on the length of the item. 1 Gp per character price (excludes spaces and formatting things), if under 1000 characters I'll give the appropriate amount back via email, or donate it if you'd rather it be done that way.
I'm good at...
Pretty much anything, I'll read most anything
Favorite Genres
Fiction of any kind
Least Favorite Genres
fanfiction where I don't know the universe or subject matter, erotica, western.
Favorite Item Types
Poetry, Short Stories, pretty much anything.
Least Favorite Item Types
Full-length books, although I will review them.
I will not review...
I will not review Erotica or Sexual things. I'm fine with everything else, including rough dialogue, drug use, extreme violence, etc...
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 ... Next
1
1
In affiliation with Official Fire Dogs  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I'll admit, I kind of stayed in the back of your portfolio, testing the waters and whatnot, and finally decided to give you the credit you deserve. I love your poetry, it's so descriptive. You could totally write a book, and if you do, let me know so I can buy it :)

All the best,
Loren
2
2
In affiliation with Official Fire Dogs  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is an odd piece because of its length, but a good piece nonetheless! It could be a really nice start to a novel or short story. I see that it's a writing exercise, but I would encourage you to write it further. Good job!
3
3
Review of I Met God  
In affiliation with Official Fire Dogs  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a lovely story. As a person of the Christian Faith, you captured it all quite well. One thing I really love is this sentence: “First of all, we aren’t homeless, we are houseless." This is a really nice distinction between house and home. Overall, great job!
4
4
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I liked this, it was fun. It was a bit challenging, but it was extremely gratifying when they all popped up as correct. I think Frank Sinatra fans will like this :)
1) I Get A Kick Out Of You
2) Love And Marriage
3) Somethin' Stupid
4) Night and Day
5) My Romance
6) Three Coins In The Fountain
7) I’ve Got You Under My Skin
8) Hey! Jealous Lover
9) Strangers In the Night
10) Your Love For Me
11) Luck Be a Lady
12) You’ll Never Know
13) Close to You
14) It Had To Be You
15) All The Way
16) The Best Is Yet To Come
17) This Love Of Mine
18) People Will Say We’re in Love
19) My Funny Valentine
20) Something
21) I’ve Got A Crush On You
22) The Way You Look Tonight
23) All or Nothing at All

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group
5
5
Review of Joy!  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This gives me a "boy named Sue" vibe :)

Are you a Johnny Cash fan perchance?
6
6
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Let me just get this out at the start: I absolutely love this. It's adorable. It made me smile in spite of the bad day I had. I love it.

Just a side note: It seems to me that George and Martha seem to be the default old couple name. Maybe because of the Washingtons? No complaint, they go good together, just an observation.

Great job on this!

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

This is my Sig for reviews
7
7
Review of Hello, Out There!  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi! I really like this poem, the rhyme scheme is good and easy to follow. There isn't anything super apparent that needs to be changed. The style is very good. I like the way the poem is written, the mood and tone are nice. I definitely feel the sense of welcome! Keep up the good work!

GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
#1300305 by Maryann

"Official Fire Dogs

This is my Sig for reviews
8
8
Review of Our love  
In affiliation with Official Fire Dogs  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is some seriously great work. It's really short, so that makes it all the more impressive. Great job. Your use of figurative language is masterful and gives the reader a clear picture of two people struggling to mend their love. Well done indeed.
9
9
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello! You requested a review and I'm happy to oblige. First of all, I'd like to say this piece made me chuckle, which isn't easy to do. Well done. I love your spirit and attitude towards a goal, even one that seems unattainable. That being said, I do see one thing I would change. Although it isn't necessarily a flaw or grammatical error and is more of an opinion thing, I would change the part towards the beginning that says:

153 years 9 months 6 days
or 1845 months 6 days
or 8023 weeks 3 days
or 56164 calendar days


or find a way to revise it. I love that you put the 1st statistic, but the other 3 probably wouldn't mean much to a random reader. That being said, I'm not deducting any stars for that, because as I previously mentioned, it's just my opinion. Take it with a grain of salt.

This is overall a very good piece, I really like it. Keep writing, you've got a considerable amount of skill!

This is my Sig for reviews
10
10
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
My official review of your piece, take it as you will.

First impression: It's an interesting concept for sure, so a full star. *Star*
Second impression: There are definitely some inconsistencies and grammatical errors, but I'll address that later. One thing I do want to address, though, is the fact that almost every dialogue ends with something other than "said". this isn't a huge deal, and I'm sure you've had English teachers tell you "Said is Dead" or "Don't use said, it's boring", but it is the status quo, so don't be afraid to just say said. *HalfStar*
Characters: I like your characters, they all have a clear sense of purpose and are interesting in their own ways. I'd like to see how Michael and Andy's relationship evolves over time, seeing as they are introduced together and seem to be the main characters at this time. *Star*
Emotional Triggers: There's not many, but that's fine for a first chapter. I'd be a little concerned if you were trying to invoke too many emotions in the first couple of chapters, so it's pretty perfect. *Star*
Grammar and Conventions: This part was a little rough, but the best part about technical things is they can be fixed easily. You have a talent, which isn't so easy to fix Grammar is no big deal. *HalfStar*

This will look like a lot, but I'm going to copy/paste your story and point things out. Please don't hate me for this...

December 7th, 1997, Rural Wisconsin. It was the early morning, around 3 AM, and nothing was out of the usual. A few State Police patrolling around the town. The Diner, called Minnie's was open with a few customers., and everyone else was at home. But today waswould be truly changing for the town. A large silver object seemed to be headed straight for the Earth below, but... it wasn't burning up in the Atmosphere like most meteoroids, no no (note: consider removing these, they seem to be for emphasis, but end up being slightly confusing this was most defiantlydefinitely not something made from simple space rock, no no (same as the other set) it had to be a UFO. But was it even full of Aliens? Was it even meant for Earth? As the UFO was now being followed by a burning streak of fire coming from it, it crashed into a snow-covered plain, far from the highway. Surrounding the UFO were a few treeslocated on this plain. The nearest civilization would be a good 5, 6 miles you need something like away, down the road, something to let the reader know what it was 5, 6 miles awayfrom. But if the aliens didn't take interest in the humans, the humans tookwould take interest in the aliens.

-------- (note: consider moving this to the center for neatness. You can do this using the editing buttons across the top, the 8th down the line. It's called "Align Middle" I'll do this with the rest of them so you can see what it looks like)

"We have incoming!" The man shouted from his desk. Along the walls were large 90's-esque monitors, tracking this UFO.
"Another UFO? Show me it, show me!" The officer shouted. In a Joint Operation between the US Air Force, Federal Bureau of Investigation, and Central Intelligence Agency, they had begun tracking UFO's (plural, not possessive) after there was a significant uptick in UFO sightings. This was no different, while the government had tracked the UFO's down, they hadn't found evidence of alien life on the ships. To them, the ships must've been abandoned before hitting the surface.
"Keep tracking it!" The officer shouted. "Wherever it lands, I want a lockdown of the state highways and roads for 5 Miles!" The officer soon left the tracking room, and headed for the garage, where he would be driven to the crash site.
"This may be one of the biggest breakthrough's we've had since this project started..." The Sergeant stated(consider said). The Lieutenant just gave him a look, stern perhaps.
"How far away is the crash site?" The Lieutenant asked the Sergeant. (I feel the Seargent is the implied recipient, but if you feel otherwise leave it)
"About... 20 miles from here, and we have the Wisconsin State Patrol lockdown the area 5 miles around it?"
"Make it 7, I don't want extra leaks."
"Yes, sir." The Sergeant submitted this one is the most distracting, perhaps change it? as the Lieutenant stepped into the Black Ford.

--------


Two State Troopers walked into the arcade, met by the attendant. Their names were Andy Robertson, and Michael Durban. They were some of the more younger members of the local State Patrol Department, but still did their job accordingly. They both spent some of their off times at the local Arcade, called 'Starcade' in the small town of Frigate, Wisconsin. (note: very clever, I see what you did there. Puns are usually well received)
"How are your you troopers doing?" (unless this was intentional for the purpose of grammatically incorrect dialogue, in that case, don't change it) The Attendant asked.
"Fine, Fine." Andy responded as he walked over to one of the gaming cabinets. He began playing his game, it was Street Fighter II, one of the best games ever made up to that point, and Andy was very good at it. Michael mainly practiced his driving skills with Daytona: USA. Sure, these were State Troopers in their mid 20's, but they at least wanted to feel young, and stay that way. As they were playing the door slwung open, as if someone was walking in, but nobody was.
"That's weird..." Andy noticed(Noticed implies he saw something but didn't comment I suggest said).
"Does the door swing open like that during strong winds?" It was rather windy outside, not usual for winter in rural Wisconsin.
"I don't think so..." The Attendant answered.
"Well... Must just be the wind." Andy replied as he walked over to the Air Hockey Table. He figured that practicing Air Hockey would be helpful, since every month the local department would hold an Air Hockey Tournament at the 'Starcade,' and Andy surely wanted to win this time. He began by grabbing the striker and puck, lining up the shot, and hitting the puck directly into the goal. It made a "Clang!" noise every time it hit the goal. As he went to reach for another puck, the puck he just hit magically began to float up in the air.
"What in the..." Andy was speechless.
"What?" Michael questioned.
"L-Look!" Andy said as the puck was magically placed down on the table.
"Holy..." Was Michael's only reply.
"It's floating!" The striker was then placed on the table, and magically hit the puck into the opposite goal.
"Is it a ghost?" The Attendant asked.
"I don't know..." Michael answered. "I'd expect a ghost to be more intelligent than this, it seems unfamiliar with Air Hockey..." Andy then took the puck and striker and slowly hit the puck towards the other, empty end of the Air Hockey Table. The striker then hit it back to Andy.
"I-I can't believe this..." Were the words last uttered by Andy.

Overall, I like it a lot. Please don't take the grammar suggestions the wrong way, as I said before, technical things are easily fixed and not a huge deal. Keep writing, you have great potential. I'll review the other too if you'd like, just email.



11
11
Review of All jokes aside  
In affiliation with Official Fire Dogs  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I've read a pretty good amount of your stuff, and I'd like to extend an invitation.
I'm the leader of a new group called The Fire Dogs, a discussion group where anything goes. You can learn more info here, all I ask is you give us a chance:

 
GROUP
Official Fire Dogs  (13+)
A group of people who have fire writing and a random animal mascot!
#2241326 by LorenIsOneOfMyNames


I appreciate your time and admire your exceptional work. Keep writing, you're really good.
12
12
In affiliation with Official Fire Dogs  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Now this, this is the stuff. It's comedy-satire and works well. Maybe because it's so absurd, but it works.

I'm a fan of your work, so I'd like to extend an invitation to you. Enter The Fire Dogs, a discussion group where anything goes. You can learn more info here, all I ask is you give us a chance:
 
GROUP
Official Fire Dogs  (13+)
A group of people who have fire writing and a random animal mascot!
#2241326 by LorenIsOneOfMyNames


Regardless of your answer, I wish you well!
13
13
Rated: E | (5.0)
This poem gets 5 stars. Here's why:

You use seriously masterful figurative language throughout. Your grammar and spelling is immaculate. The biggest thing that speaks to me is the style though. I can picture the scene, the happy mood, and the emotions swirling in and out. Great job!


Before you click off, I have a small ask:
Would you mind reviewing my piece? No pressure, but it’d mean a lot to me, and I’ll send gift points after the review. My inbox is always open for questions about this review or to discuss other things, and the link to my work is here: https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/223...

Thank you regardless,
LorenIsOneOfMyNames
14
14
Rated: E | (5.0)
Just a question: Why is it 18+? Feel free to email me, my inbox is always open.

In the meantime:
Would you mind reviewing my piece? No pressure, but it’d mean a lot to me, and I’ll send gift points after the review. My inbox is always open for questions about this review or to discuss other things, and the link to my work is here: https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/223...

Thank you regardless,
LorenIsOneOfMyNames
15
15
Rated: E | (5.0)
It's a good essay, and very informative. I'm afraid there's not much to review, but it is a good job. Your first paragraph "hook" is spectacular, and your descriptions throughout are thorough and interesting. I'm giving it five stars because I don't really see much wrong with it at all.


A humble request before you go:
Would you mind reviewing my piece? No pressure, but it’d mean a lot to me, and I’ll send gift points after the review. My inbox is always open for questions about this review or to discuss other things, and the link to my work is here: https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/223...

Thank you regardless,
LorenIsOneOfMyNames
16
16
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is so well written and possibly one of the deepest short stories I've ever read. Kudos to you for that. I'm giving it five stars because it is perfect for curious minds, people who are just reading for pleasure, or those who are writing and looking for inspiration. Good job, and keep up the good work!

Would you mind reviewing my piece? No pressure, but it’d mean a lot to me, and I’ll send gift points after the review. My inbox is always open for questions about this review or to discuss other things, and the link to my work is here: https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/223...

Thank you regardless,
LorenIsOneOfMyNames
17
17
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A good start, not much to review. To negate the risk of nit-picking, I'll keep it brief. I like it a lot. You have compelling characters, and they're interesting to think about as well. I think we all know someone like Liam or Uncle Pete, and that helps the story. The concept is interesting as well, overall it's an excellent start.

Would you mind reviewing my piece? No pressure, but it’d mean a lot to me, and I’ll send gift points after the review. My inbox is always open for questions about this review or to discuss other things, and the link to my work is here: https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/223...

Thank you regardless,
LorenIsOneOfMyNames
18
18
Review of Oneka: Chapter 1  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
First impression: Very well written, a little slow to start, and a bit tedious with the descriptions, but overall an attention-grabbing read. *HalfStar*
Second impression: As the story deepens, it also gets a bit confusing. The adversary appears out of nowhere, and you start throwing names and things at us, assuming we know what it all means. It's a bit confusing but bearable. *HalfStar*
Characters: You've made quite compelling characters, very good or very evil. Good job, you get a full star. *Star*
Emotional Triggers: Pretty emotional, even for a first chapter, so good job there. Triggers such as childbirth and death are very powerful, so use them wisely. You did well here. *Star*
Grammar and Conventions/Style: I feel like you go back and forth with modern and dated language, which I don't think was intentional, but as far as grammar and conventions go, I can't see anything terribly wrong. However, for the style portion, going back to the language use, I'm going to give half a star. *HalfStar*

Summary/Suggestions: Perhaps consider writing a short prologue or definition sheet, something to give a bit of backstory and define some customs and terms.

A request, before you go:

Would you mind reviewing my piece? No pressure, but it’d mean a lot to me, and I’ll send gift points after the review. My inbox is always open for questions about this review or to discuss other things, and the link to my work is here: https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/223...

Thank you regardless,
LorenIsOneOfMyNames

19
19
Rated: E | (5.0)
Review:
It's a good quiz, very concise and factual. I'm giving it 5 stars, and it's well-deserving of it. The questions aren't ridiculously easy, nor are they ridiculously hard, and as a Christian, it made me think. I'm very impressed with the simplicity of it, good job and keep up the good work!


Request:
Would you mind reviewing my piece? No pressure, but it’d mean a lot to me, and I’ll send gift points after the review. My inbox is always open for questions about this review or to discuss other things, and the link to my work is here: https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/223...

Thank you regardless,
LorenIsOneOfMyNames

20
20
Rated: E | (5.0)
It's so short, but so, so meaningful. I love it.
21
21
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a really good poem. I love the use of modern language like "Trolling" and "Goofily". It really flows and is easy to read. The rhythm is nice, almost like a chant (to me anyway). The meaning isn't so glaringly obvious that it's boring, either. Overall, good job!
22
22
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oh. My. Gesundheit. That is amazing. There aren't any other words, just wow.
23
23
Review of The Letter  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Love, love, love it! It's very well written and really touching. Keep up the great work!
24
24
Review of Elf Rights  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very interesting! I'm a Potterhead and you were really true to the character's personalities. If you weren't going to, I would suggest you elaborate and continue the story, it's really good so far. One small thing I would change is in the beginning, it's a little hard to follow who you're addressing/talking about between the elf and Effie (I think)
25
25
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Honestly, it seems a little deprecating in my eyes, but if that's the tone you were going for, you did well. Something I noticed which I really liked was your description of fine details, which makes the story all the more realistic. Overall, good job on this and keep working!
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