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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lucky13s
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43 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am giving you four stars for only one reason: I want this to be longer!

I thought this was a very well written blurb and I found it very entertaining and interesting (also liked the John Wayne). I hope to see you expand this story because I think you're off to a great start! Hopefully I see a longer version soon!
2
2
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
While reading this, I found this piece to be very beautifully written. The words were obviously very carefully thought out and your vocabulary displayed throughout the piece was fantastic. The only thing that I would say concerning this piece is that I did get somewhat confused towards the end with the questions. I understood them for the most part, but I was lost with a question or two (specifically the question about ants).

Either way, I thought this piece was beautiful and very well written. Perhaps there is a story behind this long display of emotions? I would be interested in reading an extended piece of this. So I hope to see one!

-Pollo Mark
3
3
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello my writing friend!

Sorry it took so long to respond, but I've been wrapped up in work. I just read your story, and I thought it was nice. I liked your characters and their development. I also think you have a very good premise as well. I hope to see a little more "witchiness" in future additions to the story. However, I did have some suggestions to help. When you write, try to make every word count. I know sometimes we want to make our stories a little longer, so we put in filler words to add some length. Instead of using filler words, try to use more descriptive words instead. Which leads to me other suggestion. In the story, work on being more descriptive. Instead of telling me the story, show me the story. Right now, you are almost narrating the story, which you want to fix. Use more adjectives (but try to avoid "ly" adjectives) to fix that problems.
Those are just my suggestions to help. The story is fine, but i just wanted to give some suggestions to think about. I will read the next part soon, and I look forward to seeing you around the campfires.
Write on.
Pollo Mark
4
4
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: E | (4.0)
I thought this was a very nicely written piece. The main character was very realistic; she was very relateable. I also liked the realness of the storyline. It was nice. There were some minor grammatical errors -paragraph 6: 'I must bear witness' instead of "I must bear witness."- but they were not any major problems. Overall, great job on writing a realistic story and making it interesting. I very much enjoyed it.
5
5
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I thought this was a very entertaining and original campfire. They are many campfires that people forget about after a couple days or they aren't very good, but I thought this one was very entertaining from start to finish. Too bad its so old! haha
6
6
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I was intrigued by your story. I felt as though I was missing something from the story. Not all the details are evident (at least I had trouble getting the story). You were very descriptive and had good use of adjectives. Just getting the ENTIRE story out to the reader is the important element. Also, try showing the reader the story instead of telling the reader everything. I hope you can take this and apply it to your story. It definitely has potential, just needs a little tweaking. Write on!
7
7
Review of Dane's Shadow  
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really enjoyed reading this. You did a great job with giving good descriptions and good character backgrounds. There were a couple things I noticed that needed a little work though. In the beginning of the story, I believe you started calling Diana 'Dinah'. Also, there were a couple grammatical errors ('a STD' should be 'an STD'). Also, some of the sentences seemed a little choppy, which throws off the flow of the story. Look through and make sure you don't have parts of the story that consist of a bunch of unnecessary short sentences. One here or there is fine, but don't overuse it.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this story. Diana definitely seemed to connect with me. I look forward to seeing more from you. Write on!
8
8
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
i actually enjoyed reading this very much. i liked part 2, but this story seemed to connect with me a little more. i really love the story you are telling in the story, and i hope that the next part can come out soon. the characters are portrayed very well again. keep writing
9
9
Review of BFF's  
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: E | (4.0)
I thought the dialogue displayed in this story was actually very well done. It was nice to see your development of a story through only dialogue. I know that is no easy task, so congratulations on creating a good flow. Also, you do a nice job with your development of the characters as well. Again, I know it is difficult to do through only dialogue, but you do a nice job of bringing the characters out.
10
10
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I enjoyed reading this portion of your story just as much, if not more, than the first section. Again, you do an excellent job of portraying the characters. The story line also gets more interesting as well. I also really enjoyed your choice for words. You are very descriptive.
11
11
Review of Iron Blood  
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I really enjoyed reading this story. Obviously there is more to the story, and i look forward to reading the rest of it as well. I thought your description of the characters were excellent. You made them realistic and relate-able to the reader. Also your flow of the story is excellent as well. I look forward to reading the rest of this.
12
12
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: E | (4.5)
I just want to say that you did a great job on this poem. I love the message that it gives off. Kinda cool that it came from the Sharks (I'm a Blackhawks fan myself). The poem seemed to flow quite nicely for me, and with its encouraging message, I am glad I took the time to read this. I hope to see more from you in the future.
13
13
Review of Dec. 21st 2012  
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey I like reading apocalyptic writings (I actually have uploaded one myself. Please check it out; it's called Earth:Lost), and I actually enjoyed reading your take. Instead of going with a typical perspective of aliens or an asteroid, you show how we do this to ourselves as a society. The reason I have given you three stars is because it this is clearly unfinished. I am very interested in reading the rest of this story, and was discouraged to see it was cut off so short. This story has great potential, but it is definitely too short and abrupt for an excellent rating. I look forward to the rest of this!
14
14
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow! I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed reading this! The descriptions were perfect, the characters were well written, and I loved everything about the story line. You truly did a masterful job with this. I found myself touched by the care and compassion of Martha in this story. Great job and I look forward to reading more from you!
15
15
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow! what a good read! I would like to criticize this, but I found some it to be well written. It is a little short, and it is the introduction, so there isn't much plot to criticize. As the work gets longer, I will try to pick out the plot and characters. The one named character in this story was killed off I believe. So anyways, I look forward to seeing future installments. Don't be afraid to post longer stuff next time!
16
16
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: E | (4.5)
I have to say this is the most entertaining CC I have read on this site so far. The length of each post seems to be long enough to keep interest. Also, I love the way you keep the story going. You a great job of preventing it from just turning pointless. I really enjoy it!
17
17
Review of Faeries Or Food  
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
I found this interactive story to be a fun and entertaining concept. However, I did find some of the entries to be rather short. It was very fun and entertaining though, so if for future entries you had a higher minimum word count, I would find the flow of the story overall to be more enjoyable. Great stuff though!
18
18
Review of Your Fat Family  
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I found this to be a fun interactive story. I followed Greg, and it was very entertaining. The thing I found most amusing about this story, is that it's not really to far from what life is like for most people. I appreciate the realness and the entertainment of this.
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