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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lucky13s
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47 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review covers chapter 1. I will complete regarding the rest of the text at a later date. The reason I like to separate the review as such is that I find the first chapter to be like a first impression. It sets the tone for the rest of the read and helps me understand what the story will be about.

I also want to start by saying that I know it can be stressful to post something you have created on a public space, and it is even more stressful to receive feedback from strangers. I want to be sure that I treat this text with respect Because it is clear that a great deal of time was spent on it.

Overall, I felt that the opening to your book was an intriguing read. I feel that a character is introduced in Caly that has a fair amount of depth and has a presence that leaves wanting to know more about who she is, something great for a first chapter! I also felt that the “hook” was interesting as well. Although there are plenty of stories about someone with special powers or a “chosen one”, it is a common idea for a reason. It works! I am excited to see how these powers are fleshed out in upcoming chapters, and even more excited to learn the impact it has on Caly’s life.

I did have two thoughts for this chapter that would have been helpful for me as a reader. First, there are some minor grammar and spelling errors in this chapter. Using Grammarly (or Word or another program that can handle these types of things) will clean this up and make it smoother from that perspective. The second thought was that I felt that there are probably a few too many points were simply told to me. For example, in that opening paragraph, I felt that I was given quite a bit of background, possibly a bit too much background information. There is quite a bit of great background offered here that I wish could have been introduced in a more engaging way. For this, I would lean into the classic thought “show me, don’t tell me.”

Finally, i just want to say that I really loved some of the character that was already introduced. Even the minor characters carry a bit of personality that makes them feel like more than a simple device. You do a great job of creating characters that do not feel one-dimensional! Thank you for sharing your story, and I look forward to seeing what happens next!
2
2
Review of Infatuation  
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Really great poem!

I loved the tension that the poem offers in its rhythm and choice of words. As the poem continued line by line, I found the rhythm speeding up for myself in a compelling way. I felt the passion in your words and the emotions in these lines feel very raw. I could feel the emotions you communicated due to the short lines and vulnerable word choices. I know this all probably sounds a bit of an "all flash and no substance" review, but I did very much enjoy the passion and emotion that this poem contained, and I felt that it conveyed the message and feelings that it was meant to. Well done!

(PS- You do not need to review any of my works unless you feel compelled to. I just enjoy reading others' works!)
3
3
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey! Thank you for sharing this on writing.com. It can always be stressful to share your work and even more stressful when you receive a review/criticism of the piece you habe spent a great deal of time working on. My hope in this review is to show respect to the piece and offer thoughts from a reader’s perspective on ways to hopefully help.

First, I am intrigued by the premise of the show. I feel that the concept is familiar, but it is not so familiar that it is overused. It’s a very fun idea that could make for a very entertaining show. The characters all seem to fit into the story quite well and offer different dynamics to the overall show. One thing I would suggest is to create a deeper understanding of the characters. For example, Bob is only in the show for about two scenes, but he seems to be little more than a narrator for what is going to take place instead of being a fleshed out character that adds to the world you have created. As a reader (or viewer) what makes Bob unique and not simply a plot device? You do this pretty well with Gwen. She is introduced with a little more depth of personality and her personality is developed throughout. In a character like Bob, you have a brief moment to let us know who Bob and other minor characters are that will be recurring throughout the show. Good characters can make a show great and bad characters can weaken a great idea. It helps get better investment too in what is taking place.

The dialogue is pretty good overall, but I would encourage you to continue to work through the dialogue as you continue to rework this. This feeds into the previous point of creating deep characters. How they talk and what they say is another way to help fill out the character’s personality.

Finally, you do a great job of creating the scene. One note is to check on details. For example, the note Gwen holds at the beginning of the pilot should be reworded. Instead of saying “looking for teenagers” simply stating the age requirement (like saying hiring 16+) and then they filter out adults in the process may work a little better. Again, these are more looking at the details so It may be more appropriate further into the refinement process, but I felt it was worth mentioning.

Overall, I feel the show holds potential and looks like it could be entertaining. Hope this review offered at least one helpful point as you look to continue to write!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am giving you four stars for only one reason: I want this to be longer!

I thought this was a very well written blurb and I found it very entertaining and interesting (also liked the John Wayne). I hope to see you expand this story because I think you're off to a great start! Hopefully I see a longer version soon!
5
5
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
While reading this, I found this piece to be very beautifully written. The words were obviously very carefully thought out and your vocabulary displayed throughout the piece was fantastic. The only thing that I would say concerning this piece is that I did get somewhat confused towards the end with the questions. I understood them for the most part, but I was lost with a question or two (specifically the question about ants).

Either way, I thought this piece was beautiful and very well written. Perhaps there is a story behind this long display of emotions? I would be interested in reading an extended piece of this. So I hope to see one!

-Pollo Mark
6
6
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello my writing friend!

Sorry it took so long to respond, but I've been wrapped up in work. I just read your story, and I thought it was nice. I liked your characters and their development. I also think you have a very good premise as well. I hope to see a little more "witchiness" in future additions to the story. However, I did have some suggestions to help. When you write, try to make every word count. I know sometimes we want to make our stories a little longer, so we put in filler words to add some length. Instead of using filler words, try to use more descriptive words instead. Which leads to me other suggestion. In the story, work on being more descriptive. Instead of telling me the story, show me the story. Right now, you are almost narrating the story, which you want to fix. Use more adjectives (but try to avoid "ly" adjectives) to fix that problems.
Those are just my suggestions to help. The story is fine, but i just wanted to give some suggestions to think about. I will read the next part soon, and I look forward to seeing you around the campfires.
Write on.
Pollo Mark
7
7
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: E | (4.0)
I thought this was a very nicely written piece. The main character was very realistic; she was very relateable. I also liked the realness of the storyline. It was nice. There were some minor grammatical errors -paragraph 6: 'I must bear witness' instead of "I must bear witness."- but they were not any major problems. Overall, great job on writing a realistic story and making it interesting. I very much enjoyed it.
8
8
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I thought this was a very entertaining and original campfire. They are many campfires that people forget about after a couple days or they aren't very good, but I thought this one was very entertaining from start to finish. Too bad its so old! haha
9
9
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
i actually enjoyed reading this very much. i liked part 2, but this story seemed to connect with me a little more. i really love the story you are telling in the story, and i hope that the next part can come out soon. the characters are portrayed very well again. keep writing
10
10
Review of BFF's  
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: E | (4.0)
I thought the dialogue displayed in this story was actually very well done. It was nice to see your development of a story through only dialogue. I know that is no easy task, so congratulations on creating a good flow. Also, you do a nice job with your development of the characters as well. Again, I know it is difficult to do through only dialogue, but you do a nice job of bringing the characters out.
11
11
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I enjoyed reading this portion of your story just as much, if not more, than the first section. Again, you do an excellent job of portraying the characters. The story line also gets more interesting as well. I also really enjoyed your choice for words. You are very descriptive.
12
12
Review of Iron Blood  
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I really enjoyed reading this story. Obviously there is more to the story, and i look forward to reading the rest of it as well. I thought your description of the characters were excellent. You made them realistic and relate-able to the reader. Also your flow of the story is excellent as well. I look forward to reading the rest of this.
13
13
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: E | (4.5)
I just want to say that you did a great job on this poem. I love the message that it gives off. Kinda cool that it came from the Sharks (I'm a Blackhawks fan myself). The poem seemed to flow quite nicely for me, and with its encouraging message, I am glad I took the time to read this. I hope to see more from you in the future.
14
14
Review of Dec. 21st 2012  
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey I like reading apocalyptic writings (I actually have uploaded one myself. Please check it out; it's called Earth:Lost), and I actually enjoyed reading your take. Instead of going with a typical perspective of aliens or an asteroid, you show how we do this to ourselves as a society. The reason I have given you three stars is because it this is clearly unfinished. I am very interested in reading the rest of this story, and was discouraged to see it was cut off so short. This story has great potential, but it is definitely too short and abrupt for an excellent rating. I look forward to the rest of this!
15
15
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow! I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed reading this! The descriptions were perfect, the characters were well written, and I loved everything about the story line. You truly did a masterful job with this. I found myself touched by the care and compassion of Martha in this story. Great job and I look forward to reading more from you!
16
16
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow! what a good read! I would like to criticize this, but I found some it to be well written. It is a little short, and it is the introduction, so there isn't much plot to criticize. As the work gets longer, I will try to pick out the plot and characters. The one named character in this story was killed off I believe. So anyways, I look forward to seeing future installments. Don't be afraid to post longer stuff next time!
17
17
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: E | (4.5)
I have to say this is the most entertaining CC I have read on this site so far. The length of each post seems to be long enough to keep interest. Also, I love the way you keep the story going. You a great job of preventing it from just turning pointless. I really enjoy it!
18
18
Review of Faeries Or Food  
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
I found this interactive story to be a fun and entertaining concept. However, I did find some of the entries to be rather short. It was very fun and entertaining though, so if for future entries you had a higher minimum word count, I would find the flow of the story overall to be more enjoyable. Great stuff though!
19
19
Review of Your Fat Family  
Review by Pollo Mark
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I found this to be a fun interactive story. I followed Greg, and it was very entertaining. The thing I found most amusing about this story, is that it's not really to far from what life is like for most people. I appreciate the realness and the entertainment of this.
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