First Impressions:
This is priceless. It is so suiting for anyone with a passion of writing. I know you are speaking from your own heart but it seems as if you have reached into my own soul and pulled out the words. Favorite Part:
The first two lines of the second stanza bring it home for me - they seem to be the two most discouraging things when it comes to my writing. Well that and time - When I find the time the ideas are just not there and just when I think wow this is good - someone comes by with the editing and critique that it needs. Suggestions:
This piece stands well on its own. Overall Opinion:
Amazing piece. Well done I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
I can not help but wonder if this is the start of something bigger. The description and the title seem to be unrelated. Mind you I think it is a good story. Favorite Part:
I like the idea that you are writing the way you talk (I do the same thing) it shows that you are writing from your heart. Having a teenage girl at home I can totally relate to the whole talking to boyfriends and the online chat episodes that last for ever. Suggestions:
Please remember these are the views and comments from only one reader. You are of course free to do with them as you see fit.
First may I mentions that with a little formating this would be easier to read for your audience. A break between paragraphs as an example would stop the reader from having to go over wording to determine where they are.
I am going to try and keep these in order to help you follow my train of thought.
- After the date include a period. Start the next sentence with the rest of this one.
- Friday requires a capital
- sentence starting with " I felt like I was in heaven..." is a little confusing as to what you are trying to say
-after annoy us include a comma
- "A lot of people.." have you considered using Many people...
- conceited - spelled incorrectly
- instead of "out of the blue" trying using unexpected this will eliminate the use of cliches
- Cameron's needs an apostophe
- no need for a comma after calls
- theres (would require an apostophe) but the use of contracted words is not recommended except in speech, it takes away from the writers credibility
- inlcude a comma after talking
- guys (used twice) try the use of boys or men guys seems like slang
- dont - contracted word
- after saying include a comma
- let's requires an apostophe
- laptop is one word
- doesn't contracted word
- I'm - contracted word
- after typing include an apostophe
- she's requires an apostophe - this is in speech so contracted word seems acceptable
- after types include a comma
- the sentence starting Cameron hangs up... there is a list of events happening in this sentence separate each one with a comma and eliminate the ands between each one except the last one
- swoops is slang - try using snatches or something of the kind
- five-year-old requires hyphens
- instead of took try using had taken
- instead of me - try using myself
- after says include a comma
- you're requires and apostophe and is spelled incorrectly
- you used poser - did you mean loser
- Cameron's requires an apostopher
- sentence starting She asked the boy - replace the word and with a comma
- insert a comma after so
- jealousy is spelled incorrectly
- insert a comma after responds
- instead of "off yourself" try reversing the words to yourself off
- I am - use of contracted words
- tinty red hair - try using hair with red tints
- theres - use of contracted words
- embarrassement - is spelled incorrectly
- after says insert a comma
- embarrassment is spelled incorrectly
- outgoing is one word
- mimic is spelled incorrectly
- you have challend - did you mean challenge
- instead of loose I think you mean lose
- dont - use of contracted words
- I'll - use of contracted words
- Skype requires a capital
- we'll - use of contracted words
- after that insert a comma
- laptop is one word
- Skype requires a capital
- instead of layed - use laid
- skype requires a capital
This is confusing as you at the beginning of the story you meet this guy somewhere else and yet at the end you say you met him on Skype - you may want to be consistent Overall Opinion:
I think you have a lot of potential here. Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
One can feel the struggle being torn between two very important parts of your life. Whether it be people or passions having to make a choice is never easy. You portrayed this well within your piece Favorite Part:
My favorite part has to be the recurring line throughout the whole poem
Torn between two loves
So many times we are faced with choice in our lives and when it comes to something for which we feel strongly the choice is that much harder. Suggestions:
Please remember that these are the opinions of just one reader and you are free to do with them as you see fit
This item stand very well on its own and there really is no need to adjust it in any way but should you decide to revisit this piece you may want to consider the following
the second and fourth line of each stanza really does not need a capital - doing so for the cosmetics of it is purely your choice
In the last stanza fourth line the comma after problem gives the reader and extra pause while reading and loses the momentum they have found Overall Opinion:
I think you did a great job - the repeating of the line though consistent through the whole piece does not take away from the art. Keep on writing I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
Beautifully written. Any mother or father for that matter could relate to the words written here. Having a son myself I can totally put myself into these words as if written from my own heart Favorite Part:
The last line of each stanza is what draws this all together for me - I was there, he needs me less each year and I need him these are the words that draws the reader to be able to relate Suggestions:
I have no real suggestions at this time as it stands well on its own, but should you be looking at an edit on this piece may I suggest punctuation. It would dictate how the reader reads this piece Overall Opinion:
I think you did a great job on this piece. The words flow together very nicely. Keep up the good work I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
What a cute little piece. I am sure it would be love by all. Made me remember when my kids were young and I took them out to play in the rain. The mess that was created took forever to clean but the memories will last a life time. Favorite Part:
Icky, sticky mucky goo
Would you like to play in it too?
I love the fact that the poem starts and end with the same stanza - I could envision children of all ages repeating that line Suggestions:
I really have no suggestion at this time and your piece stands wonderfully on its own
Something you may want to look at but it really makes no difference - stanzas three and eight lose your ryhme scheme but they are close enough that it slides by the reader Overall Opinion:
You did a great job. Sounds like it comes right out of a Shel Silverstein book (one of my favorites as a kid) Keep up the good work, I look forward to reading more in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
This piece although serious made me giggle. I for one have been banned from meeting people on the internet by my children. There are many dangers out there in regards to this and you have only touched upon one. Your personal view on this has great substance. Favorite Part:
We are still very good friends.
I love this line because it is a reminder to me that yes there are dangers out there in cyberspace but at the same time there are a lot of wonderful advantages. I have made a numerous amount of friends here alone on writing.com, almost all of who I never would have met with out the internet. Suggestions:
Please remember that these are the views from only one reader and you are of course free to do with them as you see fit
- in the first line - have you considered changing this story is directed to I dedicate this story. - it does not change your meaning and it does not make the reader feel like you are forcing your opinions down their throat
-I writing - did you mean to say - I am writing
-try not to use contractions besides in speech it takes away from your writing
-instead of I have been recently hurt by one person - have you considered - One person has recently hurt me - it does not change the meaning yet gives the reader a chance to feel like you are telling them for their safety and not a personal vendetta
-of course this warning - try inserting a comma after course
-after heart broken try using a semi-colon
-before you even know them - try using before you even know him or her - same meaning just makes it seem less like an attack Overall Opinion:
Overall you did a great job. You have a solid point that you are making and your message is clear. The article has left room for you to expand on and complete fully if you so choose. Keep up the good work I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
You did a very good job on this peice. This can be placed in so many situations within ones life. The welcoming shadows do not seem like a threat as depicted in so many cases Favorite Part:
I like the first line I can relate to this through different aspects of my life allowing me to put myself into the poetry
Darkness covers me. Suggestions:
through it i can see - I needs to be capitalized
i thank God - I should be capitalized
virule infections - I think you mean viral infection Overall Opinion:
You did a great job. Keep on writing. I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
Very short and sweet. Depicts a version of many family reunions. Favorite Part:
Grandma falls asleep
This line though I am sure is typical of many reunions is just the opposite of my family reunion. I have a large family my nan had thirteen of her own kids nd then there were five step-children. Many grandchildren and great grandchildren also attended. Nan was the last one standing when many of the others were ready to go home to bed she was just starting to get her party shoes warmed up. Suggestions:
This piece does stand well on its own I feel that a little formating for such a short piece will improve it that much more. Overall Opinion:
Overall you did a great job. I look forward to reading more of your art in the future. Keep that pen to the paper and keep writing.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
You have a great piece here. One can understand the fight within of trying to figure out what is happening. When the realization hit the desire to have what one once had gives this piece the connection the reader needs to fall into it Favorite Part:
Solitude eating deep into me
Oh,life kept going.
I can relate most to this part of your poem as too many times I have burried myself into my work, project etc shutting myself away from the world only to find out that the solitude I created for myself did not stop the rest of the world from living. Suggestions:
Please remember that these suggestions are only from one reader and you are free to do with them as you see fit
In the second stanza second line - enjoying the goodies of live - I was having issues following this I had to go back and read it a couple of time did you mean life
In the third stanza have you considered - the life I never imagined to live - gives a slightly different meaning to your words but from this stand point makes the reader envision why he would want to go back more
six stanza third line - I had a little trouble following this line as well
exaspirating - I think you meant - exasperating
reoccuring - I think you meant - reoccurring Overall Opinion:
I think you did a great job on this piece and with a few minor edits I think you are on the "write" path. Keep the pen to the paper I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
A terrific little piece. The formatting is great making it a nice flow on the readers eyes. You give the reader a chance to think about their own thoughts without taking away from your words. Favorite Part:
I am connected to the first line of this piece as I am constantly telling people that my thoughts make me who I am and they matter. Suggestions:
I have only one suggestion that you are of course free to do with as you see fit
After the line matter comes into being - have you considered using a comma Overall Opinion:
This is a great little piece. I thank you for sharing. I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
Sweet love. You have clearly displayed the message of missing someone and the desire to want to be with them Favorite Part:
You left them running through my head - I find this line to be the one that stands out the most for me as I am always going over everything in my head and it seems to be the one line that makes me part of your piece. Suggestions:
These suggestions are from only one reader and you are of course free to do with them as you see fit.
This is a little hard on the readers eyes even with the shortness of the piece. A little formating and enhancing will correct this. Overall Opinion:
You did a great job on the words for this and with a little creative editing on your part you will be on your way to stardom. Keep up the great work. I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
Short and sweet. Nice even tempo when reading this, it seems to flow as if I have read it many times Favorite Part:
I like the idea that this poem as direct that you may seem it is can be placed into many situations in life. Thoughts, relationships and the list goes on Suggestions:
May I suggest the use of formatting and punctuation. Your piece stands very well on its own, but sometimes the use of visual appeal draws the reader in more. Overall Opinion:
I think you did a great job. Keep up the good work. You are definately on the "write" track. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
Very beautiful. There are so many ways that one could take the view in which it was written. I know that an artist has their own ways of which they want the reader to see it but I really do like the idea that there is the option here. Favorite Part:
Eyes that see the miracles
That surrounds us every day
- to often in life people fail to see the little miracles that surround us that it is nice to hear someone else give that friendly reminder. Suggestions:
These are just suggestions from one reader and you are of course free to do with as you wish
out look - this word can be combined into one outlook Overall Opinion:
You did a terrific job on this piece and I love it. Keep on writing I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
Simplistic and beautiful. You did a great job on this piece with getting straight to the point and not falling off your beaten path. You have great flow with rhyme and rythymn Favorite Part:
I love the simple approach to getting your message across loud and clear Suggestions:
May I suggest the use of punctuation - such as - commas between the listing of items you hold dear
The use of formating makes a piece more pleasing to the eye of the reader making it a much nicer read. Overall Opinion:
You did a great job on this piece. A little bit of some added attention to this piece and you have yourself a start to a great beginning here on WDC. Keep on writing as I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
This was quite a giggle. Being one who is constantly "losing" things I could totally relate to this poem. There is a nice flow to the reader as they go through word for word. Favorite Part:
My giggling husband was dangling my keys.
- Sounds just like my better half he would allow me to search with amusement and wait till the moment I started to panic before revealing the obvious Suggestions:
I really have no suggestions at this time as the piece does stand well on its own Overall Opinion:
You did a terrific job on this piece and I totally recommend it. Keep on writing I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
A humourous little poem about a job gone wrong. A great little read with easy on the eyes formatting. Favorite Part:
I love the little twist at the end. I have always been attracted to the stories and movies with the "I never would have thought of that" Suggestions:
When reading this piece as an outsider there seems to be some issues with the flow and there are areas where it seems almost forced - should you want to consider this for any future edits may I suggest that you look at the syllable counts for the lines.
In the second stanza the second line makes it seem like the lady is the one doing the scratching which I am going to assume was not meant to be. Overall Opinion:
Overall I think you did a great job. There are a few areas that might need some edits but you have the start of something great. Keep up the good work I look forward to reading more in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
Way to go on a job well done. I love the combination of the visual art using pictures and words. Through the art you have conveyed not only your own but the love shared by many others. I think you have included every possible aspect that Writing.com offers.
First Impressions:
A nice piece reminding me how lucky I am to be inside. Even though this seems to be one of our nicer days I could feel the chill in the air. Favorite Part:
I can almost smell it - This line reminds me of the first snowfall and how when you go outside you can smell the crispness in the air. Suggestions:
Unforgivingly - have you considered using unforgiving
Have you given any thought to taking the last line in the first stanza and breaking it into two to help maintain the flow the reader gathers - this line in itself seems to be a bit of a contradiction
But for a cold, modest breeze
The air holds still Overall Opinion:
A job well done. Keep on writing. I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
How beautiful the sentiment. If only everyone would take the time everyday to write down even just a couple of words on why that person is special to them I truly beleive that there would be less breakups, and when you are feeling alone, sad or upset take a few minutes to remind yourself by reading what you have written Favorite Part:
I wrote of such things as coffee in bed -
I like this line because it reminds me of the day my other half and I were a little at odds and when he asked me why I was with him I told him it was because he made me coffee every morning. Suggestions:
one of my favorite quiet time - have you considered quiet times Overall Opinion:
This is truly an inspiration to all couples wanting to expand upon their relationship. You did a great job and I thank you for sharing. I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
Like yourself I have the ideas floating around in my head it is the act of getting them down out of there that is my issue. I loved the idea of the game with your daughter. You both were able to get a little something out of it. Favorite Part:
The combination of overcoming obstacles while finding a sanctuary of understanding. The use of the game to help motivate your writing while getting closer and having quality time with your daughter is inspiration to all parents that are trying to balance life. Suggestions:
I have no suggestions at this time. Overall Opinion:
Amazing job on this piece. Thank you for sharing. I may have to borrow your idea just so I can kill two birds with one stone - get some time in writing and get some time with my daughter as well. I look forward to reading more of your art in the future
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
A great little handy reference for all poetic necessities. I have bookmarked it so I have it for standby. Favorite Part:
It is not a reference from one person there are links to many different resources. Suggestions:
I have no suggestions at this point Overall Opinion:
A lot of work was put into this and it only makes sense that credit is due. This is a handy little reference guide that all poetic ideas should have on the shelf just in case. Keep up the good work.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
You did a great job - easy to read and a nice even flow Favorite Part:
The first two lines caught my attention the most -- they are like most writers I would have to believe. The frustration building up from deep within dying to get out. Suggestions:
I have no suggestions at this time -- except maybe asking if you have considered adding some formating to this piece. It will make it easier on the readers eyes while reading it. Overall Opinion:
I think you did a great job. I hope you keep on writing because I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
This is a great piece in rememberance of a dear loved one. I can only hope that someone cares enough for me to write something so beautiful when my day comes. Favorite Part:
the first two lines of the first stanza are grippers for the reader bringing them in setting the flow for the remainder of the peice Suggestions:
momories - memories
Im - I'm
remeber - remember
in the second line have you considered using these are the memories instead of there are the memories
the last line in the first stanza seems to have lost the momentum of the flow - have you considered another tomorrow or a joyful tomorrow Overall Opinion:
You did a great job with this piece I look forward to reading some other pieces of your art. A few spelling mistakes to look at but it looks like you are on the "WRITE" path keep up the good work.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
This was a great little read - it covers a lot of the age old timeless questions of if I was perfect would I... Favorite Part:
The last stanza - it reminds me as a reader because of my faults I am who I am today. A great reminder Suggestions:
I have one suggestion for you to do as you see fit
If you were only perfect. - have you considered using If only you were perfect
I feel it would enable to the reader to find a suitable flow without changing your words Overall Opinion:
I think you did a great job on this piece and I look forward to reading more in the future. It has a the little hint of a message for the reader as you tell your story. Keep on writing.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
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