Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
A very cute piece about butterflies. This was a simple rhyme scheme that would be perfect for children to learn, offering them a little fun in nature. The flow and rhythym has a nice ring that is maintained throughout the entire piece Tips and Suggestions
special is spelled incorrectly Outstanding Highlight
The use of the repeated line suits this piece. As I am writing this review I am still saying FOLLOW THE BUTTERFLIES My Final Say
You did a great job. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Keep the pen to the paper and let the creativity roll.
Fushia's Quotes and Sayings (E) Quotations I have made and am making, submit yours if you would like. Sententia vel Laudo. #1214365 by Fushia
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
You have a lot of really good quotes in here. I think you did a great job. Some of them I can see myself quoting in the future. I will have to keep coming back to this item and see your updates. Tips and Suggestions
Good people are the only things don't need sugar to be sweet. - missing the word that
Many men go fishing their entire life, never realizing it's not fish they are after, it is for some though to be with the thing they love. - this one is a little confusing with its words
When you read what I wrote, your not reading words and sentences. Your reading my heart pulsing on the paper. - I think you mean you're
Singing is showing the beat of your heart, then filling in the blanks with your soul. - insert and before then Outstanding Highlight
If love is blind then why do I see your heart? My Final Say
You have done a great job. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Keep your pen to the paper and let creativity roll.
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
Oh you poor soul. My heart goes out to you. If I could reach out and hug you I would. I too have gotten past the crybaby stage with such a picture for society that most think I am one of the strongest people alive. I may not cry in front of you but I am one of the biggest CRYBABY'S you could ever meet. I am very sensitive. I am the one that waits until I am alone before I let out my frustrations. This is about as useful to my body as a million cans of diet coke. Tips and Suggestions
try omitting the word and before smile - by omitting this word when reading it makes it seem almost mechanical in actions kind of like your smiles
Fools requires a capital
a hardened shell requires no capital
I long requires a captial
a comma needs to be inserted after instead Outstanding Highlight
A crybaby at heart - that is what I have often told people when they think I have emotions of steel or rock My Final Say
You did a great job here. Keep the pen to paper and let creativity roll as I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
Your mother must have been proud. I had to get the tune in my head before I started to read it.
Suggestions
I think you mean your special day not you're special day
Thank you for sharing this piece. It was definately worth the read. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future so keep the pen to the paper.
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
I do not think I could agree with you more. It is a great piece for newcomers to read. It took me a long time to share anything I have ever written. My first review was absolutely striking. Offering me helpful hints and invitations by words of encouragement to write more. I can remember my second review as well. It took me a week to get over it. Tore me to piece. I use the term me because I look at my works as a part of me. Then I realized it is the view of only one reader. So maybe I did not write the way they wanted me to. If Stephen King did not write any more because one person put down his work - what would line the shelves of his fans.
I myself am my biggest fan, critic and editor. Keeping that in mind anything else is just one readers point of view. Tips and Suggestions
This piece stands very well on its own. I have no suggestions at this time. Outstanding Highlight
The entire third paragraph. To let someone who could have been having a bad day ruin your chances at learning and growing is wrong and you have expressed the desire to get past this perfectly. My Final Say
Reading your works is always a pleasure. I appreciate your sharing. Keep your pen to the paper and let the stories flow. Great job.
Rating: 3.5
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
Being a mother I would appreciate this poem and standing proud. You have great thoughts towards her and I love the fact you discovered this at such a young age. Too many times in life people do not realize what someone means until it is too late. THis piece is definately a job well done. Tips and Suggestions
Blessing is spelled incorrectly
I think you mean instilled rather than enstilled
insert a comma after you in both of the last two of three lines Outstanding Highlight
The whole piece is a highlight. It is hard to pick one area. My Final Say
You did a great job. Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your art.
Rating: 3.5
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
This was a nice poem. Short and sweet. You got to the point and left out the extras. The certain saddness was forgotten with the last line. This line is the one that brings this whole piece together. It has a nice flow when you are reading this piece. Good job. Tips and Suggestions
In the second line you start with the word not being capitalized but all the other lines start with a capital - you should follow harmony with the piece.
The way a reader reads this poem aloud because of the rhythm one falls into have you considered breaking each line into two lines. It is fine the way it sounds. I just mention this because of the pattern one falls into Outstanding Highlight
I love the last line - the poem that brings it all together. My Final Say
You did a great job with this piece. I look forward to reading more of your art. I hope that you are still putting that pen to paper.
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
I have been known to represent this poem a little too often. Great long term memory, it is the recent stuff I seem to have problems with. Tips and Suggestions
This piece stands very well on its own.
I was thinking that a nice title would draw more people to the art that you have greated. It would be a shame that this would be ignored only because it did not have a lead in.
A description might help as well. Outstanding Highlight
The last line is very suiting. It sums up your piece very nicely. My Final Say
You did a great job here. Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your art.
This review is in honor of your entry in "Invalid Item"
Thanks for entering
He Danced (E) A 69 word short story for the great 69 challenge. #1210094 by rudwung
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
Very well done. You created quite the vision. This seems like something from a much larger piece. It most definately can be expanded upon. Sorry for the contest restrictions. Tips and Suggestions
After a slow moving dance end the sentence. This sentence will stand well seperated as two. Each standing well on its own
Instead of so try using therefore with a comma after = it remains within the restrictions of the contest. Contest Highlights
Word Count - Great Job
Prompt - None given My Final Say
Congratualtions on a job well done. I look forward to reading more of your entries in the future. Good luck in the contest.
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
A very touching piece. You did a great job. I have always wanted to go sailing. There is something about being in the open water, wind in your hair. I think I have seen too many movies. I could almost see why someone would find this beautiful. Tips and Suggestions
before walk to the helm the word and should be included
try combining the last two sentences - Burned and yet so beautiful. Contest Highlights
Word Count - Great Job
Prompt - None given My Final Say
Congratulations on a job well done. I look forward to seeing more of your entries in the future. Good luck in the contest
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
This piece has a cute little humor twist in the middle of it. I love it. It sounds like the group could be quite interesting to sit in on. A fly on the wall so to speak. I could see this as a larger piece done into a movie - Steve Martin as one of the stars. Tips and Suggestions
This piece stands well on its own. I have no suggestions at this point. Contest Highlights
Word Count - Great Job
Prompt - None given My Final Say
You did a great job on this piece, Congratulations. I look forward to seeing more entries from you in the future. Good luck in the contest.
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
I guess he was not the last man on earth. I am not sure what happened to me on that one but it took a couple of reads before I caught on to that phrase. This short seems like a begining to something else. I was left wondering what was on the other side. Tips and Suggestions
This piece stands very well on its own. I have no suggestions for you at this time. Contest Highlights
Word Count - Great
Prompt - None given My Final Say
You did a great job on this piece. Congratulations on a job well done. I look forward to see more entries from you in the future. Good luck in the contest.
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
You did a great job with their first date. It was simplistic yet intrigueing. The type of date was not something you would have really thought of considering how they actually met. Overall it was a great piece to read. Tips and Suggestions
I will try to keep all comments and suggestions grouped by paragraphs in hopes that you will be able to follow my train of thought
The use of contracted words is not recommended except in first person narrative or dialogue. May I recommend that you go over the piece once more looking at the places where contracted words have been used.
You might want to look at the formatting of this piece. A space between the paragraphs would be easier on the readers eyes eliminating the amount of times one goes over the same part.
The first eighteen paragraphs stand well on their own
Durham is spelled incorrectly
insert a comma after the word hers
the next sixteen paragraphs stand well on their own
footprints is one word
the next five paragraphs stand well on their own
insert a comma after the word down
insert a comma after the word high
omit the word were before spent
insert the word and after white,
insert the word and before no gray
cheekbones is one word
the next five paragraphs stand well on their own
insert a comma after the word hill
the next six paragraphs stand well on their own
a question mark should be placed after the word Ken
the next twenty-one paragraphs stand well on their own
insert a comma after the word again
instead of like try as if
the next two paragraphs stand well on their own
omit the word preliminary
the next six paragraphs stand well on their own
insert a comma after show
delete the comma after naked
the next seven paragraphs stand well on their own
try aloud instead of out loud
white-collar is hyphenated
Outstanding Highlight
I like the choice of dates. You almost would have thought they would have returned to the place they met. Something you would read in a typical romance story. This was different and it was nice. My Final Say
You did a great job on this piece. Well done. Keep on writing. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Rating: 4.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
One of the best chapters yet. The characters are totally beleivable and you are drawing your readers in. YOu have done a great job with this piece. A few suggestions are listed below but otherwise a great piece. Tips and Suggestions
I am going to try and keep all comments and suggestions in order grouped by paragraph in hopes that you will be able to follow my train of thought.
The use of contracted words are not recommended except in first person narrative and dialogue you may want to go over the piece and see where this applies.
insert a comma after the word arguement
end the sentence at face and use the remaining part of this sentence in another one
end the sentence after eyes again start the next one at The headache
try all right instead of alright
The next five paragraphs stand well on their own
end the sentence after heard them start the next one at Imagined
She though requires a capital
try never to instead of to never
the next two paragraphs stand well on their own
try matter of fact instead of factly
the next two paragraphs stand well on their own
instead of a period after her try a comma and join the next sentence to this one
the next four paragraphs stand well on their own
revealing is spelled incorrectly
the next two paragraphs stand well on its own
instead of watching try watched
the next nine paragraphs stand well on their own
omit the word on after have been
the next ten paragraphs stand well on their own
replace the word and with a comma after real
the next paragraph stands well on its own
insert a comma after felt
the next paragraph stands well on its own
omit the words a bit before breathless
insert a comma after finally (last paragraph)
Outstanding Highlight
I liked the idea that Chance was there the next morning. It is one of those Murphy law things. It was a nice touch. My Final Say
You did a great job on this chapter. Well done. I look forward to reading more of your work. Keep on writing.
Rating: 3.0
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
I like the story idea, but unfortunately it was hard to follow. The concept was received in the manner you wanted to convey it but you wrote like one speaks this is fine for dialogue but in narrative it makes it hard for a reader to go on. Some work on the formating would help this - a space between paragraphs etc. Tips and Suggestions
I will try to organize all comments and suggestions grouped by paragraphs in hopes that you will follow my train of thought.
The use of contracted words is not recommended except in dialogue and first person narrative. You may want to go over this and see where the contracted words actually fit.
first paragraph stands well on its own
farmhouse is one word
after like try inserting those that
insert a comma after the word finally
the next seven paragraphs stand well on their own
try not to start a sentence with the word and - it is not proper
the next thirteen paragraphs stand well on their own
insert a comma after the word remember
the next six paragraphs stand well on their own
omit the word was before the word done
omit the word and before sit down
the next thirty paragraphs stand well on their own
insert a comma after the word night
insert a comma after the word herself
use the word until instead of till
the next nine paragraphs stand well on their own
insert the word and before the people
moneyman is one word
insert a comma after the word purpose
insert a comma after the word sure
the next three paragraphs stand well on their own
omit the word and before pointed
the next fifteen paragraphs stand well on their own
sexpot is one word
short-lived is a hyphenated word
insert the word and before I need
the next two paragraphs stand well on its own
it should be all right not alright
omit the word was before lit
the next six paragraphs stand well on their own
omit the word were before glassed
the next five paragraphs stand well on their own
light-headedness is hyphenated
insert a comma after the word beers
the next four paragraphs stand well on their own
well-toned is hyphenated
the next eight paragraphs stand well on their own
out her hand instead her hand out
the next twelve paragraphs stand well on their own
insert a comma after the word said
the next two paragraphs stand well on their own
insert the word did after Georgia
the next paragraph stands well on its own
saltshaker is one word
the next seventeen paragraphs stand well on their own
lightweight is one word
omit the word being before called
instead of her try the word she Outstanding Highlight
I like the second paragraph you wrote the nostalgia in very nice way. It was not a way where the reader was going "Oh boy, history" You did a nice job of this. The memory painted in this paragraph was well done. My Final Say
Keep on writing. I look forward to reading more of your work.
This review is in honor of your request in "Invalid Item"
The Revelation (13+) Enter a world where dream and reality coexist, and where nothing is really what it seems. #1201329 by The Revelationist
Rating: 3.5
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
You did a great job. The descriptions were amazing and kept the reader glued to the story throughout the piece. The formating was good easy enough for the reader to follow. Tips and Suggestions
I am going to try and organize all comments and suggestions by paragraphs in hopes that you can follow my train of thought.
The uses of contracted words are only recommended in first person narrative and dialogue but you may want to go over and view the uses here. I feel that some sentences can be given more power to the reader by spelling out the words in full
insert a comma after darknes
omit that could be heard
this paragraph stands well on its own
its does not require an apostophe
omit I knew that and yet
insert a comma after themselves
stonewall is one word
omit was and to make
this paragraph stands well on its own
omit the word though after strange
insert a comma after going
insert a comma after distance
the next four paragraphs stands well on its own
insert a semi-colon after the word surprise
The next three paragraphs stand well on their own
insert a comma after the word again
the next two paragraphs stand well on their own
Omit the word still
this paragraph stands well on its own
try not to start a sentence with the word but there are a list of words you can choose from or you can try omitting this word
the next two paragraphs stand well on their own
omit the word been before trained
try further to instead of to further
insert a comma after feet
try have instead of even
the next three paragraphs stand well on their own
omit the word was and to be
omit there was before the word something
instead of this try the place
insert a comma after surprise
try "With squinted eyes, I started crawling in its direction."
insert a comma after closer
try slowly to instead of to slowly
omit was being before the word reflected
replace as with so before the word small
insert a comma after eyes
the next three paragraphs stand well on their own
try directly instead of point blank
try happened instead of came to pass
omit are they before born of angels
replace like with as before he is
omit the word or before perhaps
omit the word but and insert a comma after course
instead of without try using the word or
Insert a comma after virus
try was instead of were
omit there was before the word somethng and the that after it
Outstanding Highlight
I especially liked the paragraph about the wind blowing the description is like putting the reader there. This paragraph shows amazing potential within yourself as a writer and artist. My Final Say
Congratulations on a job well done. Keep on writing. I look forward to reading more of your art.
This review is in honor of your request in "Invalid Item"
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1157292 by Not Available.
Rating: 3.5
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
You have done a good job in regards to starting a true romance. I have found that this chapter the begining has given a great outlook as to our main character. You have given just the right amount of her outlook without losing the interest of a reader. The introduction of her love interest was a nice touch. Tips and Suggestions
I am going to try and keep all of suggestions and comments sorted and grouped by paragraphs in hopes that my train of thought is easily followed.
Overall - The formatting of the piece - You should leave a space between the paragraphs it allows for easier reading for the reader. It cuts back on the reader going over the same text
The use of contracted words is not recommended - except in dialogue and first person narrative. You have used this throught out the chapter should you be interested in editing this ---
The first paragraph is a little confusing in some areas as to if she was driving why is she looking at groundhogs and empty seats -
"Isn't that..." Is that not is how it should read. Also have you considered adding the next sentence to this one. Instead of the comma before children insert the word and
Do not start a sentence with and - the is an alternative list of words you can use but in this case I recommend omitting the word
For the first sentence of this paragraph have you considered - Had they not done everything right?
omit the word was before interrupted
two-bedroom is hyphenated
townhome is one word
townhome is one word
after change insert a comma and include the next sentence to complete the question
insert a comma after the word home
insert that after the word felt
"She pulled her hair into a ponytail and got into let the hot water ease the tense feeling out of her body" This is a little confusing as you have already written that she got into the shower
The sentence starting marriage - have you considered "Was marriage not the next step?"
Do not start a sentence with the word but... there are a list of alternative words you can use but I recommend omitting it in this case
The next four paragraphs stand well on their own
After the word tall insert a comma
The next five paragraphs stand well on their own
This paragraph is a little confusing in the wordiness have you considered
She was on the verge of doing something outrageous and sluttish. When he pulled away asking her to “Please get ready,” her hand was already on the way to the fly of his Docker pants. It left her grabbing at air, her intention to have her hand full of something a bit more firm than air."
Have you tried "A Definitely different, racy look, but the perfect..."
eyeliner is one word
The next six paragraphs stand well on their own
Insert a comma after the word dinner
instead of it was meant to be listened to have you considered - intended
The next seven paragraphs stand well on their own
After same car try using but the
insert a comma after the word skin
Omit the words at her
The next two paragraphs stand well on their own
Insert a comma after the word dinner
If you end the sentence after the word popcorn you can start the next sentence with Burnt out on Reality TV,... and use the rest of the sentence to finish it
have you considered omitting the word She was before the word caught insert a comma after the word handle and include the next sentence with this
omit the word expensive you stated that it was an expensive restaurant previously
The next paragraph stands well on its own
It is not recommended to start a sentence with the word but - in this case I recommend using the word However,
the next two paragraphs stand well on their own
insert a comma after the word knees
cheekbones is one word
insert a comma after the word manner
the next six paragraphs stand well on their own
instead of quick try quickly
insert a comma after the word block
the next fourteen paragraphs stand well on their own
after chin insert a comma
the next eleven paragraphs stand well on their own
insert a comma after the word mind
the next paragraph stands well on its own
instead of the term kind of try using the word rather
insert a comma after the word him
try omitting the words even just and about
have you considered - "She did not have to look to remember the colors or the pain."
Instead of starting the sentence with because have you considered - "On the other hand, was it because they were close to the wedding?"
insert a comma after the word Friday and omit the word and
For the next sentence consider " She would have a whole week to figure out what to do about her feelings, what to do with herself and Matt. "
airflow is one word
when talking about this years outing it is a bit confusing as it is not stated you are talking about a company event
instead of once in awhile try using occassionally
this paragraph does not seem needed to the story - it almost sounds like filler
after weekend insert a semi-colon
half-asleep is hyphenated
instead of but did she try using was it - you write she loved him a couple of paragraphs before and this seems a little off in flow but asking if it was really love adapts the flow
after had insert a comma and include the next three sentences to form one complete question
insert it on after the word blame. end the sentence after bringing the use the remaining part of the sentence to form another one starting with the word However,
The next fourteen paragraphs stand well on their own
Before the word right - that is one word not two
This paragraph is a little confusing - I am not sure what it is that is trying to be said here so I am unable to offer any suggestions or comments
The next two paragraphs stand well on their own
insert a comma after the word concentrated
instead of was laying try using the word lay
you already stated that his hair fell across his brow in a couple paragraphs before
well-toned is a hyphenated word
few and far between try using the word rare
self-concerned is a hyphenated word
omit that was the way and insert that way after turning
three-inch is hyphenated
fine-tuning is hyphenated
omit to do
omit the word really before the word as it is not needed
the next paragraph stands well on its own
half-asleep is hyphenated
Omit there was and start with the word A
change awake to awakened
the next three paragraph stand well on their own
omit the word previous
the next paragraph stands well on its own
instead of the word and use a comma before the word brushed
the next twelve paragraphs stand well on their own
omit the word of after off
the next five paragraphs stand well on their own
try using "They did not say much..." instead of there wasn't much said
You are writing about her asking about leaving on friday but you might want to include that this was previous questions the way it is written it seems like she is asking that now and it does not mesh with the night befores events
After Matt left try using "she packed"
townhome is one word
insert the word and before the word made
this paragraph stands well on its own
doorframe is one word Outstanding Highlight
I actually liked the last paragraph - this has made me want to go on to the next chapter... Her positive outlook towards the situation is leaving this reader with the impression that something is going to happen in place of her getting upset - Just making me want to continue My Final Say
You have done a great job here. Congratualtions I am looking forward to the next chapter. Keep on going.
You have created a beautiful piece describing a person who there is a deep love for. You have written it with a great deal of description. Well done on this piece.
I have one suggestion. The first sentence is long and when the reader tries to read this outloud there is a stubbling. It is lengthy and missing flow. Should you decide to edit this piece this would be an area easy to correct but should you decide not to it still stands fine on its own
You did a good job here. Keep up the good work. May you keep writing as I look forward to reading more of your art.
Rating: 3.5
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
An interesting story you have created here. You have chosen an unusual choice of names throughout the piece which makes for an interesting read. Tips and Suggestions
I will try to keep all suggestions in order as they appear in your piece and grouped by paragraphs in hopes that my train of thought is easily followed
The use of contracted words are not recommended unless it is in dialogue or first persona narrative
Formatting - spaces between paragraphs makes it easier on the readers eyes reducing the chance of going over the same area
Have you considered omitting "as he was called" it is not really needed
the comma after Felix the Swift is not needed
after the word darkness include a comma
Instead of women gushed over have you considered for which women gushed
Instead of He was also known have you considered Felix also known
Instead of was still have you considered omitting the word was
Instead of "The city itself was surrounded by great city wall....." have you considered "Great city walls that built to keep strife out of the city and armies at bay surrounded the city itself."
After the word guard try using a comma instead of a period and then combining the next sentence with it
This paragraph stands well on its own
Instead of he was set for... have you thought of omitting he was and then inserting a comma after the word life and combining the next sentence with this one
the word way is not needed before the word too many
This paragraph stands well on its own
Replace which with the word that
Omit the word was before made it is not needed
The word windows does not require an apostophe
Omit "so that" before the word even
instead of inside try using in
This paragraph stands well on its own
Ideas does not require an apostophe
Omit the word an before the word other it is not needed
After solution insert a semi-colon
The comma after Felix is not needed after the word felix
This paragraph stands well on its own
Insert a comma after the word clothesline
slow does not require a capital
This paragraph stands well on its own
windowsill is one word
insert a comma after the word bar
These paragraphs stands well on its own
Paragraph starting "They aren't on it..." a question mark is needed after the word they
These paragraphs stand well on its own
Paragraph starting with "Felix quickly tied ..." omit the words and tied after chimney and replace himself with him
headfirst is one word
instead of peeked try the word poked
this paragraph stands well on its own
omit the word was before the word locked it is not needed
this paragraph stands well on its own
this paragraph stands well on its own
slipknot is one word
these paragraphs stand well on their own
Paragraph starting "Congratulations...."try placing the word suddenly at the begining of the sentence instead of the end and omitting the word to
this paragraph stands well on its own
a question mark is needed after the word we Outstanding Highlight
I liked the way you described a bit of his history in the paragraph that tells about his marriage. It is done in such a way that the reader does not lose interest and still informative enough so we can get to know the character. My Final Say
You did a great job on this piece. Congratulations on a job well done. Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your work.
This is a sweet poem about finding your "One True Love."
I remember going to my locker and finding little notes from my boyfriend and how it made my day. I can appreciate how you must have felt recieving that note.
Keep up the good work. You are on the path to stardom. I look forward to reading more of your work.
This is a lovely poem about stars falling from the sky. Short and sweet it arrives at the point you are making keeping the readers interest throughout the entire piece.
Suggestions
I am a little concerned about the title having the appearance of being crossed out.
The formating is great easy on the eyes and besides the one suggestion I think it stands great on its own.
Keep up the good work I look forward to reading more of your work. A job well done.
Sisters (E) People will come and go but Sisters are forever #1156453 by babblequeen
Rating: 3.5
Reviewed By: Lisa Dawn - sunny days
Please be reminded that all of the following comments and suggestions are from only one reader. Each one is written with the best of intentions and are in no way a personal attack on your hard work. You are free to do as you see fit for each remark.
First Impressions
The words ring so true. We often forget that the only constant in our life is our family and in which we seem to take advantage of and take for granted. The fact that you realize this allows you to continue a relationship with your sister. Tips and Suggestions
Starting a sentence with and is not suggested, if you require this than terms such as "in addition" and "moreover" are more suiting ~ in this case I think you can omit this word
The use of contracted word is not recommended you might consider trying to write the words out. Outstanding Highlight
We may not always see eye to eye. ~ any relationship realizing this allows for growth My Final Say
You did a great job. I look forward to reading more of your work. Keep on writing.
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