Please keep in mind these are the comments and opinions of only one reader. The comments and suggestions that follow are for you to do as you see fit.
First Impressions:
As a mother I have to say that I open my heart to words like you have expressed. Your mother is very lucky to have a child feel the way that you do. I only hope that you are able to show her this poem if you can not express these words to her. They will be forever treasured.
Spelling and Grammer:
A couple of areas that you might want to consider
1. Punctuation. Nothing more than a coma at the end of every first line in each stanza and a period at the end of the second.
2. In the last line you might want to consider capitalizing the first word.
3. In the second stanza have you considered compass instead of north. It just provides more a directional assistance. (Unless I am not getting the true meaning of what you are trying to say) Closing Comments:
I think you did a great job here. Any mother would feel proud knowing that someone cares this much for them. Keep writing. I look forward to reading more pieces you have created.
Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.
David Sedaris, interview in Louisville Courier-Journal, June 5, 2005
Please keep in mind these are the comments and opinions of only one reader. The comments and suggestions that follow are for you to do as you see fit.
First Impressions:
Well written it leave the reader wanting to reach out and help in some way. The sadness you have portrayed is very realistic. You did a great job on it. I could not help but think that this is just a piece of something else. It leaves the opening to something much larger.
Spelling and Grammer:
I have no suggestions in regards to spelling you did a great job with that.
The last sentence could be looked at. To keep everything exactly how you have it and not change a single word or letter you might want to consider adding a coma after the word AND
Closing Comments:
I think you did a great job on this piece and it really does sound like it is the begining of something bigger. It would be enough to pull a reader in and find out more. A possible introduction, but then again that is just my thoughts on it. Keep writing. I look forward to reading more pieces you have created.
Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.
David Sedaris, interview in Louisville Courier-Journal, June 5, 2005
Please keep in mind these are the comments and opinions of only one reader. The comments and suggestions that follow are for you to do as you see fit.
First Impressions:The pain it describes is transmitted to the reader. Depending on how the reader is reading it and which position they take in the poem will depict whether they are experiencing pain or anger. I took the approach of the victim and it was hurt and pain. The formating was great making it an easy read and it was done with the simplistic of approaches.
Spelling and Grammer:
~ no comments on spelling as this area stands well on its own.
~ I have one suggestion that is more along the lines of formating. In the fifth and sixth stanza the slap part is missing the space it has in the rest of the stanzas.
Closing Comments:I think you did a great job with this piece. It is a work of art. Keep writing. I look forward to reading more pieces you have created.
Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.
David Sedaris, interview in Louisville Courier-Journal, June 5, 2005
This was a great little survey. It made me sit and think overall. You want to be honest with yourself and yet you dont want to either be to high or low on yourself. For me it took a great deal of thought.
When I looked at the results that are posted I was quite amazed at the way authors looked at themselves. Not that I disagree but alot of the responses I have got when I said a piece is good is - oh I did not think anyone would like my writing.
I guess deep down people have a different approach and are just trying to be modest.
Please keep in mind these are the comments and opinions of only one reader. The comments and suggestions that follow are for you to do as you see fit.
First Impressions: I loved this piece. It was well written and it brought me back to the days when I was younger and going to the carnival was a great date. I have met my share of guys like you wrote about and I feel you did a great job writing about them without being mean.
Spelling and Grammer:I think you did great in this department the piece stands well on its own.
Closing Comments: You did a great job. Keep writing. I look forward to reading more pieces you have created.
Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.
David Sedaris, interview in Louisville Courier-Journal, June 5, 2005
I think you did a great job with this poem. I had to read it once that I read it was your first.
You are off to a great start. I can not wait until I get to some of your newer stuff.
I have one suggestion that you can do with what you will. Throughout your poem you have the word yet it is not capitalized. You may want to go back and change this.
Great work I am looking forward to reading more pieces of your art.
When I read someones work no matter who they are. I almost get a picture of who is writing, where they sit and whether it is on the computer or just in there notebook. Nine times out of ten I am usually wrong. You should have seen what I thought Stephen King looked like.
You did a good job on this poem. A poem that should be told to younger children. They would love to hear it. Especially with the "It's not fair" syndrome.
I can see how this can lift your spirits. You did a good job on this poem Keep up the good work and keep the pen to the paper so to speak. I look forward to reading more pieces of your art.
Please keep in mind these are the comments and opinions of only one reader. The comments and suggestions that follow are for you to do as you see fit.
First Impressions:
I think you did a good job on this, working through the alphabet to describe CSI. Every letter has its appropriate setting. I have one suggestion that is almost silly - Have you thought of The ABC's OF CSI?
Spelling and Grammer:
This stand well on its own and I have no suggestions at this time.
Closing Comments:
I think you did a great job. Keep writing. I look forward to reading more pieces you have created.
Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.
David Sedaris, interview in Louisville Courier-Journal, June 5, 2005
Please keep in mind these are the comments and opinions of only one reader. The comments and suggestions that follow are for you to do as you see fit.
First Impressions:Being an avid fan of CSI, I could not resist temptation when I saw the blurb in regards to this being a direct creativity from the show. I am glad that I had the chance to read it. It was well written. Maybe a little gory for some but well written.
Spelling and Grammer:
A couple of spelling mistakes nothing to serious
~wifes - wife's
~staine - stained - I believe this is what you meant
A little punctuation will help this piece with the added WOW. But that is totally up to you. This poem stands well on its own without it.
Closing Comments:I think you did a great job. Keep writing. I look forward to reading more pieces you have created.
Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.
David Sedaris, interview in Louisville Courier-Journal, June 5, 2005
Please keep in mind these are the comments and opinions of only one reader. The comments and suggestions that follow are for you to do as you see fit.
First Impressions:Interesting. The story showed a great deal of imagination. I am happy to say that I had the chance to read it.
Highlights:The story remained consistent throughout which is a good way to hold a readers attention. You kept everything simple with just a touch of scientific approach of words so one was not running for dictionary. I think you did a great job. I would assume that you wrote this for a teen level of audience.
Spelling and Grammer:~When you are talking about the name of the school have you thought about leaving out the word is before called and eliminating which is based and replacing it with based
~the sentence starting - "It is named...." try a coma after the EXOPLANET, and eliminating IT IS at the begining, after the name of the planet have you considered "many of us reside."
~replicator - replicater (only because it is derived from the word replicate
The sentence starting "Sateen folded her hands....." you might want to include a coma after the word breath
~the sentence starting "We studied that there......" have you considered eliminating than we are used to on the planetoid.
~the sentence starting "Ren was already in ....." you can eliminate the coma after him.
~the sentence starting "After Mr. Rickman noted....." Have you considered rewording the sentence to something along the lines of but not necessarily: After Mr. Rickman noted that we were present and had packed sufficiently, boarding of the spacecraft began. - It eliminates some of the "we weres"
~the sentence starting "Mr. Rickman nodded....." have you considered leaving out the word was. It is not needed.
~the sentence starting "We did as we were told...." have you considered leaving out we were
~color coded - color-coded
~the sentence starting "Sasha and I nodded..." the word really is not needed
~the sentence starting "The first and most important...." - a coma is needed after always
~the sentence starting "I glanced around...." after needed have you thought of the word cleaning and eliminating to be cleaned up.
~ the sentence starting "She held up her..." seems a bit long and dragged out.
have you tried something like "She held up her rock guide to see if it was on the list."
~the sentence starting "While we were stopped...." Have you considered "While stopped...."
~the sentence starting "I sort of..." have you tried " I rather instead of sort of
Closing Comments: You did a great job. Keep writing. I look forward to reading more pieces you have created.
Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.
David Sedaris, interview in Louisville Courier-Journal, June 5, 2005
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Please keep in mind these are the comments and opinions of only one reader. The comments and suggestions that follow are for you to do as you see fit.
First Impressions:
It was well written. I am not sure what I was expecting when I seen that it was a short story. The letter approach was unique. As being one that has lived on earth her entire life, I am almost baffled at some of the things that one would find curious. After giving it some thought I think you did a great job describing it.
Highlights:
The description of the shadows was well done. The same way I feel one would perceive them after seeing them for the first time. Chasing shadows has been a game that almost everyone has tried at one point or another and the way the alien had automatically joined in that tradition was a nice touch.
Spelling and Grammer: I have no suggestions here as this piece stands well on its own.
~ One area that you may want to read over as I had to repeat it a couple of times but it is fine and nothing to worry about - It seemed to have a jumping feeling in the story was where the teacher brings out the jeep. He was standing outside with the girls and then all of a sudden he is driving the jeep down.
Closing Comments: I think you did a great job. Keep writing. I look forward to reading more pieces you have created.
Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.
David Sedaris, interview in Louisville Courier-Journal, June 5, 2005
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Please keep in mind these are the comments and opinions of only one reader. The comments and suggestions that follow are for you to do as you see fit.
First Impressions:
I think this is a marvelous short story. It is well geared to children or young teens. The story maintains an interest through the entire piece making it a good read for the reader.
Highlights:
The ending of the dog shall we say finding the prized possession was a sweet touch. It gave the story a slight bit of humor that anyone could appreciate. A job well done.
Spelling and Grammer:
~ The sentence starting "Gina always pouted...." I feel that you can leave out the word really. It is not needed.
Closing Comments:
You did a great job. Keep writing. I look forward to reading more pieces you have created.
Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.
David Sedaris, interview in Louisville Courier-Journal, June 5, 2005
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Please keep in mind these are the comments and opinions of only one reader. The comments and suggestions that follow are for you to do as you see fit.
First Impressions:Very cute. Well worth the read. It carries a strong message but done in such a cute way that it does not feel like someone is trying to hammer something into you. I like the way you completed this. If the rhythm were a bit more counted it would be a great poem to teach smaller children about tree conservation.
Highlights:Your rhyme scheme choosen for this piece was well done, keeping it simple like the poem was a great idea.
Spelling and Grammer: Nothing that I can see here, or suggest it stands well on its own.
Closing Comments:
Keep writing. I look forward to reading more pieces you have created.
Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.
David Sedaris, interview in Louisville Courier-Journal, June 5, 2005
Please keep in mind these are the comments and opinions of only one reader. The comments and suggestions that follow are for you to do as you see fit.
First Impressions:You have expeirenced a great deal of pain and it shows in the writing of this piece. You did a great job writing this. The use of punctuation would make the emphasis of your message stronger you may want to consider this should you do a rewrite.
Highlights:Everyone has at one point or another been in this position hurt and then blaming themselves. It is an easy poem to relate to for anyone of any age. Wishing them well and hoping for the best for them is a natural reaction to someone with a caring heart
Spelling and Grammer: The word I does require a capital, a few places require this throughout your piece.
~in the fourth line you may want to consider a coma after the first time the word friend appears
~in the fifth line a coma after the word BUT you might want to consider and it is WASN'T (SPELLING)
~in the seventh line you might want to consider a coma after the word BUT
~the eighth line is a little confusing - you may want to change the wording so that it flows such as: more of a man than I
~tenth line GOODBYE is one word
~ fourteenth line the word is WASN'T (SPELLING)
~fifteenth line the word is WASN"T (SPELLING)
Closing Comments:You did a great job. With a few spelling corrections you are on your way to a world of imagination and wonder. Keep writing. I look forward to reading more pieces you have created.
Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.
David Sedaris, interview in Louisville Courier-Journal, June 5, 2005
I was trying to come up with my own little review tool guide for any reviews that I complete. I was looking for suggestions on what is to be included so that I am helpful and not destructive to a writer.
Along with a few other articles, I have found a lot of help. I thank you for the opportunity to read this piece. It will be of help to me in future reviews.
Very good. You seemed to have written a page in my life. You kept my interest throughout the short story. You were able to keep with the main idea and focus solely on that. Well done.
Areas of Interest to Me:
I like the part where you are writing about what she is thinking about going to bed that night. It seems to be something that I would do, so I can totally relate to the girl you wrote about.
Areas of Suggestion:
~Every now and then, something would go wrong and misunderstandings would occur and detriment and leave a silence between them that felt like two years of silence. - This sentence seems a little long. You could possibly leave out a couple of the filler words such as "and" by using comas.
~You write in thr fourth last paragraph that she is sipping the beer but a few paragraphs before that you are writing about gulping the beer. You may want to change sipping to drinking beer.
Ending Impressions:
Well done. Keep up the good work I look forward to reading more pieces of your art.
You did a great job with this poem. So often in life these questions remained unanswered. I am glad to see that you have an idea of the questions that need answers. It could and should lead to a happy life, as long as you wait for the answers - sorry bad joke.
I think it is very good the way it stands and I have no suggestions for you.
Keep writing. I look forward to seeing and reading more pieces of your work.
Good Job! Your poem was well written. I had pangs of wanting to reach out and hug you while reading this. You captured depression very well in this piece.
The only suggestion that I would possibly make here for this piece is the use of punctuation. I myself do not write with it so I can totally understand if you did not want to use it. I just feel that it could give your piece that extra wow.
Mind you idt is just a suggestion for you to do as you would like.
Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more pieces of your work.
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