You did a good job on this little blurb about "HER". The reasons for "HER" being beautiful rising above the appearance makes this piece just that - "More Than Beautiful"
Areas of Interest to Me:
You obviously care very much for her. It shows in your writing. I like the line where you write about the flaws she thinks she has and how they dont exsist to you. It is that way in almost every love relationship. It is the little things you find so charming and the other thinks they are flaws.
Areas of Suggestion:
~ spelling corrections you may want to look at:
every time being two words
awkward
~in the last sentence - before the last those you may want to inlcude the word "and"
Ending Impressions:
Once again you did a great job. I look forward to reading more pieces of your work. Keep writing.
I like the job you did on this poem. It was well worth the read. You did a great job with the rhyme of this poem.
Areas of Suggestion:Please remember that these are just suggestions and you can do with them what you please.
The only thing that I am going to reccomend at this time: Have you tried giving this poem a rhythmatic system. It would just improve the flow of the words coming off the page. (Counting syllables.)
The part that stands out the most to me:
The first two lines of the third stanza. Not being able to explain your feelings stating that they are hard to understand. It seems that you have taken the words right out of my mouth.
Closing Comments:
You did a great job. Keep up the good work. I look forward to seeing more pieces of your art.
This was a great read. I could hear my kids argueing in their room while I read it. It just seemed to go in line with what they were saying. DID NOT....DID TO
Funny how we all choose to argue before stopping to thinking about it first.
You did a good job on this one. Keep up the good work and keep writing.
I sign on to Writing.com, first thing I do is check the email. I love seeing it when someone has reviewed a peice that I have written. Seeing the comments always sends a rush through my creative juices.
I have gotten to the point where I love seeing the constructive critisms even more. I look at it as a chance to improve and learn.
Keep writing and checking that email for your reviews. You will find it very rewarding in the long run. "YOU"VE GOT MAIL!"
I like the idea of this. It was nice to have an inner look at one of the writers.
Others are always interested in what is going on in someone else life. This was almost like the ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT of writing.com. I feel that you could take this peice and run with it, even just amoung the writers here at WDC.
Not sure who else would be interested, but it is a great idea to get to see the inside of fellow writers minds.
I think you did a great job with a great idea. Keep writing. I look forward to reading more peices of yours.
It was very heatfelt. When I got down to the end I was close to tears. You did a great job. The letters were written as in from a slightly educated man from back in those time. The slang of cutting off words before the full sound came out.
There is one thing that I seem to be having a little bit of a problem with. He was fighting in a war for almost thirty years?
You did a great job. I look forward to reading more peices of your work.
An interesting article. You have given someone something to think about when using that word "boredom". You did a good job relating your thoughts and ideas about how to overcome boredom.
Areas of Suggestion:Please remember that these are just suggestions and you can do with them what you please.
~. People may do get bored with whatever they're doing or having, such as in work, marriage, family, studies, business, church, among others. - you may want to take the word may out of this sentence.
~I tried out a number of things in my life, found some that fit me, and that I was good at them - you may want to leave out the word out
~All they succeed in doing is compounding their problem - you may want to include the word have after the word they
~And third, a secret cure for boredom is knowing deeply one's PURPOSE IN LIFE - have you thought of rewording this sentence by entering a coma after boredom and elimination the word is.
The part that stands out the most to me:
The part that stands out the most to me is when you talk about challenge. I am a person that is usually seeking some kind of challenge. My mother used to tell me that I am never happy unless I am to have some kind of challenge in my life.
Closing Comments:
You did a good job and I hope that you continue to create. I look forward to reading more peices of your art.
I have to say that I do like this poem. Maybe because I am very close to understanding this poem first hand. You did a great job. You did a good job on the rhyme of this article.
Areas of Suggestion:Please remember that these are just suggestions and you can do with them what you please.
~I am not sure if you have thought of the timing of the poem. It helps with the flow of poems you keep a time pattern with in the poem. I am just learning how to apply it to my own work so I may not be the best person to describe this to you.
You keep in mind how many syllables are in a line. I personally have to break each line down to syllables in order to even attempt the idea. But like I said I am just learning.
The part that stands out the most to me:
The middle stanza stand out the most for me. The help received and then in the end you end up right back to where you started. It does not really matter what situation you are in, it always seems that one is drawn back to the place of trouble. This whole stanza just seems to ring true.
Closing Comments:
You did a great job. Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your work.
That is a bad habit that I too must say that I am not ready to part with. I sit at the computer ready to either write or read and I grab my coffee and cigarettes.
Half of the time I think that they burn in the ashtray forgotten because I am lost in someone's writing, or lost in my own thought.
I can understand the idea that you would have to quit everything else as to me smoking comes almost naturally after a meal, while sitting at the computer, driving and anything else.
For health reason I do hope that you can quit, or cut down but I do understand that the desire has to be there.
Keep writing. I look forward to reading more of your work.
General Comments:
I think you did a great job. I to do believe that everyone needs to have a good cry every now and again. It releases alot of built up emotions. And it cleans the tear ducts
Areas of Suggestion:Please remember that these are just suggestions and you can do with them what you please.
~Lost love, remembered friends, or the
people who have passed.
you could try a period after the Lost love and starting a new sentence with the remembered friends
~other then that I have no other suggestions
The part that stands out the most to me:
~Why you cry, no one may ever know. - Only because I often have cried and not even realized why exactly I was crying.
Closing Comments:
I think you did a good job. I look forward to reading more peices of your work.
So true are the words of your poem. Despite people's recollection of the events the parts that seem to stand loud and clear in ones mind is what was missing.
Such as the case between a couple on shaky ground. Remembering the "have a good day" before one leaves the home front is not as important as the omission of "I love you"
The formating was great and an easy read. Way to go.
Areas of Suggestion:Please remember that these are just suggestions and you can do with them what you please.
~at present time I really dont have any suggestions. I think you did a great job on this poem.
The part that stands out the most to me:
I like the idea that the second stanza is just a repeat of the first stanza. Something that is still ringing in my ears.
Closing Comments:
You did a great job with this one. I am glad I had the chance to read this poem. Keep up the good work and I will look for future writings from you.
You did a great job with this poem. The formating is great and the rhyme scheme you used is working well.
Areas of Suggestion:Please remember that these are just suggestions and you can do with them what you please.
~ the rhythm is a little off in areas not allowing your poem to flow with little effort.
~ in the second stanza in the first line you are using the past tense where as the rest of the stanza you are in present tense. Easily fixed if it is something that concerns you
~ considering that you started the poem in the present tense a little rough spot in the middle stanza but the third stanza you went to past tense - you may consider changing that to the present
Example of what I am talking about He wishes he could save their lives
But knows they would die anyway
Even if they survive
Cuz everyone dies someday
The part that stands out the most to me:
Hearing the screams of the one he couldn't save. I feel this is the closest to reality that anyone would feel. Despite anyones attempt at being a "hero" one would still hear the screams of the ones they could not save.
Closing Comments:
You did a great job. Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more peices of your art.
Very warm and heartfelt. You can feel the love you have for your brother. In hindsight I think a letter to my brother would have been similar. We never got along as children, fighting over the simplistic of all things. Today we are close to the best of friends.
Areas of Suggestion:Please remember that these are just suggestions and you can do with them what you please.
~ I have none at this time. It is written the way you would talk to your brother.
The part that stands out the most to me:
I like the idea that you threw in the part about using a bigger word something that your brother something that you and your brother had done together. It gave the letter a more personal effect.
Closing Comments:
Well done you did a great job. Keep writing. I look forward to reading more of your work.
A great poem for someone to realize that being yourself is more important than being what others expect. A sweet poem with a great meaning behind it. A job well done.
Areas of Suggestion:Please remember that these are just suggestions and you can do with them what you please.
~because when you let go - this line seems a little out of place, it does not flow into the next line very well.
~your being the person you were ment too be - the word should be meant. And the word too should be to
~not the person everyone expects you too be - the word should be to not too
~you would ever be when u try to cover up - the second you should be you not u
~capitalization, punctuation and formatting would give your poem the little extra that I am sure you meant it to have.
The part that stands out the most to me:
The part that you are saying that to you the person is more beautiful when they are themselves. Words to live by for any person.
Closing Comments:
Good job. Keep it up. I look forward to reading more peices of your work.
General Comments:
I think you did a good job with this poem. The formating was well chosen for this poem.
Areas of Suggestion:Please remember that these are just suggestions and you can do with them what you please.
~ You have no thought no sense no view of what you do now. - you may want to include a coma in between the no thought, no sense, no view
~ Playing deaf dumb and blind to all that is before you - you may want to include a coma between deaf and dumb
The part that stands out the most to me:
The last two lines stand out the most to me because I have always been a believer in everything one does is a choice. You have always two options and this sums it up in a different aspect.
Closing Comments:
Well done keep writing. I look forward to reading more of your works.
It is funny how things work out in the end. Sometimes we never know what is brought to us until we take the time to look into it. I think you did a good job with this peice.
I know the value of a good friend and sometimes the means of realizing just who your true friends are is a feat in itself. I am glad that you have a friend that you guys can be totally open and honest with. Everyone needs one of those.
Areas of Suggestion: These are just suggestions that you can do with what you feel fit
~ you mentioned "We left shortly there after, riding back to Billy's house to celebrate and bring in the new year with beer, bud, and heavy metal music" You may want to change new year to New Year
~ you mention "With a big pause at the bottom of the steps, we just looked and pointed at eachother." you may want to change eachother to each other.
~ you mention "SOMEONE would be up there keeping Kyle company on New Years Day. " you may want to include a coma after the word Kyle
~ again "We exchanged formalities, and because there was no one else around to talk to, spent a bit more time getting to know eachother" eachother is each other.
~Funny how life plays out that way. you may want to include a coma after the word funny.
~in the last paragraph you have a couple of eachother - they need to be changed to each other.
~She told me that since she had been ditch the night before on her birthday, Plummer had invited her to come to the party with him and hang out. - the word ditch should be past tense ditched
~Beer number one didn't go down as smoothly as I would have liked - you may want to place the number one followed by a coma in front of the beer
~The band continued to rock out, and Becky and I soon found it in our hearts to strike up a conversation between cigarettes and sneaking sips of beer to my sister - you may want to break this down to two sentences The band continued to rock out. Becky and I soon found it in our heart to strike up a conversation, between.....
~We exchanged formalities, and because there was no one else around to talk to, spent a bit more time getting to know each other. - you may want to include we before the word spent Spelling:
dispised - despised absolutly - absolutely
woire - wore forgeting - forgetting
enimies - enemies Fullfilling - Fulfilling
immagined - imagined errupting - erupting
beatufiul - beautiful serinading - serenading
affraid - afraid definately - definitely
unknowinly - unknowingly begining - beginning
Comments:
Keep up the good work and keep writing. I look forward to reading more of your art.
You got to the point without giving a lot of extra filling. Your message is loud and clear. The formating is nice and easy on the eyes making it an easy read.
My Interpretation:
I liked your poem. I feel that you have depicted the areas of trouble in America or any country with a sense of simplistic virtue. Everyday issues placed in a format that is easy to understand to almost any reader.
Areas of Suggestion: (These are just suggestions and you can do with them what you will)
~ I can appreciate that you chose not to use capitals but there are some words that do require capitals. Two words that you have used throughout your poem - I and America both require capitals
~ heros should be spelt one of two ways - heroes or hero's
Comments:
Keep up the good work and keep writing. I look forward to reading more peices of your art.
The poem itself was heartwarming and deeply felt. Surprising how a little bit of a refresher in such things as a dream (as indicated here in this poem) can bring to ones view what is felt deep down and already known.
You started the first couple of lines with a rhythm that was easy to follow and "catchy". After that you lose the flow. You did maintain the rhyme pattern that you started.
In the third line you have a coma after the word begin, you may want to consider a semi-colon.
Job well done. Keep up the good work and I look forward to reading more peices of your art.
Being a mother of two I can see this story in my own family. The kids are growing up really fast it seems and despite the attempts to hold on to the innocence of childhood the growing up process continues.
I truly enjoyed reading this peice as I realized I am not the only one who is attempting to hold on the the special things in life that will always remind me of their age of innocence.
There are a few areas that you may want to look at. These are suggestions and not to be taken as words of gold. It is up to you what you do with them.
~" I hesitated, then said what I always did in these kinds of situations: "You want me to give you a 'tick', right?" " - after I hesitated you may want to include the word and ie: I hesitated, and then......
~He offered my daughter many a "tick" over the years and I was just keeping tradition alive, or something like that. - you do not need the coma after the word alive
~That, and I could easily go broke dishing out fives for molars. There were more than two of them. - after that there is no need for a coma
~My daughter looked at me with a seriousness in her eyes that I'd never seen before. - you should drop the word a before seriousness
Once again these are only suggestion for you to do what you will.
Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your work.
You did a good job on this poem and I hope that you continue to keep writing.
All the emotions and feelings of what one can think of when trying to describe love. A hard emotion to describe may I add. The meaning changes with each individual.
Some areas of suggenstion that you may want to look at. These are for you to as you will.
~ fifth stanza
irrepairable is spelt irreparable
~sixth stanza
Godsent - is spelt God sent or you could have meant Godsend
~ in the fifth, sixth and eighth stanza you seem to have lost your flow. Nothing so off beat that it is unreadable just a little off beat when you get into a rhythm of reading.
All is good. I liked you poem and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Oh my gosh, the things going through my head as I was reading it. I never would have thought of an exercise bike. It made me laugh. Still kind of giggling about the things I had go through my head only to realize that it was the same thing I would dread.
Some areas that you may want to look at. These are just suggestion and you can do with them what you will.
~Roger tells me I am just being silly. That I shouldn’t be lazy.
Maybe try joining these two sentences with a coma such as:
-Roger tells me I am just being silly, that I shouldn’t be lazy
~I head for the kitchen. The farthest room in the house
You could try the same thing with these sentences Such as:
-I head for the kitchen, the farthest room in the house.
~The exercise bike that I haven’t used in years
You may want to omit the word that and just add a coma instead such as
The exercise bike, I haven't used in years.
You did a great job. I look forward to reading more. Keep up the good work.
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