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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lyndac
Review Requests: OFF
13 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I'm not a critical reviewer, nor do I have the expertise to critique style or grammar. However, I do feel very strongly about the characterization, deep-motivation and satisfying resolution in the case of most fiction genres.
I'm good at...
I'm good at giving my honest opinions, giving the writer a true sense of how their work struck me as a reader.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Fantasy, and Scifi are my favorites. But I read across many other genres, as well.
Least Favorite Genres
Poetry, technical, legal, and essays
Favorite Item Types
Short segments or chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Long reads of any type. Over 2500 words
I will not review...
Erotica
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by LyndaC
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This has an interesting start. Although I know nothing about the scientific aspects, I get that there is a lot more going on than appears on the surface. You did a good job of foreshadowing a bigger and adventurous plot ahead. At least, I think that's were this is going.

Your dialogue was believable and easy to read, not forced or contrite. You used dialog tags and character action to reinforce the impact of what was being said. This always makes for good reading.

I'm not a grammar expert, but I saw nothing that jarred me out of your story. And I liked your word choices and active verbs.

If there were one thing that I think could enhance this chapter and give it the WOW factor it needs to make a reader keep turning pages, it would be an ending hook. Use the last part of the scene, the last paragraph or the last sentence to grab the readers attention and give them a reason to continue.

The fact that Peter wasn't able to give Liam the information he was so excited about was a good lead into a hook. Instead of saying Peter just left, give us his last thoughts as he's leaving. Something like - "Would Liam be able to handle the news when he found out?" or "Maybe he shouldn't really say anything until they'd stabilized the Orgone." These are just examples but I think they illustrate what I'm talking about. Since this is your story, you'd know what's coming next and can build the best hook to keep your reader engaged.

I enjoyed this first chapter and will read more of this story later.

Keep Writing!
Lynda
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2
Review by LyndaC
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Remember: The following review is just my personal opinion. I hope my perspective will shed further light on your work and, in some way, help you along your writer's journey. Take what you can use and leave the rest behind. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.


1. "You sure you can fix this job friend? It's foreign you know."
(I like this piece of dialog that comes early in the story. It clues me into the personality of this character. He's arrogant and superior minded. Don't know what he's going to do later in the story, but I already don't much like him.)

2. "It's so hot, it seems my shadow has taken refuge under my shoes." ( I lived in LA for many years and could totally relate to this sentence. Nice phrase)

3. "I regret coming out north"
(Not sure where north is. What is he north of? Unless I missed that altogether, he hasn't said at this point where he's come from or where he's headed. I'm thinking he's talking about being in the northern part of the state. Maybe a little more geographical info would keep me from yanking myself out of the story to figure out where he is exactly.)

4. Your descriptions and scene setting are really good. I could feel the heat and smell the oil, gasoline, and grease of the mechanic's shop. Even the motorcycle engine vroomed right in my ear. good job of putting the reader in the scene.

5. Each character is well drawn out, very unique, and interesting in their own way, whether they're attractive or repulsive.

6. This was a really creepy story that left me with goosebumps. But I like the way that you set up the story in the beginning, focusing my attention on the heat, the frustrating circumstances, the necessary wait time, the disgusting mechanic, etc. So effective was all the early scene setup, I never saw the ugly twist coming straight at me. WOW! Retribution for Everybody.

Overall this certainly fits the Dark Drama genre you chose. It's length and pacing were great also.
Keep Writing...
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Review by LyndaC
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is so interesting and written in a concise way that allows a non-brainy person like myself to better understand the world I live in. Of course, all this awesome information just brings up more questions for me. I believe there is design in everything, so, there has to be a reason why we have more matter and energy that is invisible than visible. Oh my! that will give me plenty of food for meditation.
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Review of Megan's Ballroom  
Review by LyndaC
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello Princess Megan. Your port is beautiful, inspiring, and I'm so jealous! I could only dream of creating such a space with so much diversity. May you always be surrounded by handsome princes, magical kingdoms, and creative energy.
5
5
Review of The Review Spot  
Review by LyndaC
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Review Request: Crossing The Chasm
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This item number is not valid.
#2141248 by Not Available.
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Review by LyndaC
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is an entertaining and insightful recounting of an issue that befalls us all. I loved the questions and answers you gave while keeping me in stitches with the inevitable progression of events. I've been on both sides of that door, so-to-speak, and it's a comedy of errors no matter the position your're in. Really nice piece.
7
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Review by LyndaC
Rated: E | (3.0)
Once upon a time there was a writer who yearned to create a perfect story that everyone would love. Everyday, she sat with her fingers poised above her computer's keyboard ready to begin. One day, she realized that she'd not completed even one page of her perfect story. Because of that, she vowed to give up her dream of writing. Until finally, a very wise and accomplished writer gave her an invaluable snippet of wisdom. "You, nor I, nor anyone else will ever write the perfect story that everyone will love. Because there exists nothing that is perfect and flawless is our world. We write what we know and dream. Flawed though it may be, it's simply, beautifully, originally ours to tell.
8
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Review of Hanging On  
Review by LyndaC
Rated: E | (4.0)
So thoughtful and honest. Really enjoyed reading this. Though I'm not a poet, I do appreciate poetry that strikes a chord in either mind or heart.
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9
Review of Untitled  
Review by LyndaC
Rated: E | (3.5)
A very intriguing beginning. Nice descriptions and I love the chill of the season as it sets up the "chill" in the character's circumstances.
I've added a few of my thoughts in parenthesis. Nothing complicated, just some initial thoughts as I was reading your piece.

It is not the chill in the air that summons the winter season. Many a night I recall being wrapped in a blanket roasting marshmallow’s by the campfire with my parents. Laughing and giggling with my sister as we stared up at the late July sky,(I WOULD CLARIFY WHAT PART OF THE WORLD YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT BECAUSE WHERE I LIVE, JULY IS A MONTH OF SCORCHING TEMPERATURES. SO FOR INSTANCE, IF YOU WERE IN THE LOWER HEMISPHERE, YOU COULD INJECT...STARED UP AT THE LATE JULY SKY OVER SOUTHERN AUSTRALIA etc.) watching the disappearing act of lights behind the summer leaves as the wind blew aimlessly through the branches.I long for the comfort of my family and the safety that I felt back then.

(I WOULD MAKE THIS A NEW PARAGRAPH) Now I sit here, staring out of a dusty window watching the lights again flicker. It is not the leaves that they hide behind today, for the leaves have since fallen to the ground giving way to the true change of seasons. Nor is it the sky I am looking at. I can see through the stands of trees without interruption, perhaps 100 yards. It is there I can see the lights peek out from behind trunks and dance their way to hide behind another. The air is cold, but that is not why I am frozen in place. The flicker of my candle does nothing to warm my senses; I stare silently gripping the tattered blanket tightly hoping those lights move on. Seconds seem like minutes, minutes like hours. I doused out my tiny flame, getting rid of any possible sign that someone is hiding in this room. There are three lights, and they are moving with purpose through the woods. I again hear laughs, but these laughs are not of my darling sister. Her blonde pigtails and red ribbons are gone, these are deep foreboding laughs and they are coming in my direction.
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