|Remember: The following review is just my personal opinion. I hope my perspective will shed further light on your work and, in some way, help you along your writer's journey. Take what you can use and leave the rest behind. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.
1. "You sure you can fix this job friend? It's foreign you know."
(I like this piece of dialog that comes early in the story. It clues me into the personality of this character. He's arrogant and superior minded. Don't know what he's going to do later in the story, but I already don't much like him.)
2. "It's so hot, it seems my shadow has taken refuge under my shoes." ( I lived in LA for many years and could totally relate to this sentence. Nice phrase)
3. "I regret coming out north"
(Not sure where north is. What is he north of? Unless I missed that altogether, he hasn't said at this point where he's come from or where he's headed. I'm thinking he's talking about being in the northern part of the state. Maybe a little more geographical info would keep me from yanking myself out of the story to figure out where he is exactly.)
4. Your descriptions and scene setting are really good. I could feel the heat and smell the oil, gasoline, and grease of the mechanic's shop. Even the motorcycle engine vroomed right in my ear. good job of putting the reader in the scene.
5. Each character is well drawn out, very unique, and interesting in their own way, whether they're attractive or repulsive.
6. This was a really creepy story that left me with goosebumps. But I like the way that you set up the story in the beginning, focusing my attention on the heat, the frustrating circumstances, the necessary wait time, the disgusting mechanic, etc. So effective was all the early scene setup, I never saw the ugly twist coming straight at me. WOW! Retribution for Everybody.
Overall this certainly fits the Dark Drama genre you chose. It's length and pacing were great also.