Again, I want to tell you how well you use words to paint images. None are wasted and each one gives the poem the pace and tone that makes it a delight to read.
Again, a thoroughly wonderfu poem with minimal wordage. Each word counts toward creating the images you write. Many poets I've read don't seem to understand the power of the "just right" word. You have a real talent for painting images that pull at the heart strings, and to me, that's what poetry is all about.
This feedback is meant to encourage you. Please do not take it the wrong way because all of us have to start somewhere.
In the first paragraph, in fact throughout the vignette, you have not appealed to the reader's emotions. It is like you were writing a journal entry. The idea of writing a story is not to give a news-like report of events but to take the reader with you into the scenes so they can live the story as you see it. This is done not by telling the reader what you as the writer sees but what the reader would see, feel, and hear if he/she were actually in the seat next to you.
This is done by involving the reader through more dialog and less narrative summary. Although some narrative summary is needed to set the stage, you want to get the reader involved early on in the story. When the lady and her daughter sat down you could have engaged her is a conversation and asked her how old her daughter is and then remarked about how cute she is. The part about her later becoming an alcoholic is a distraction that does nothing to bring the reader into your scene. You may have had some inner dialog with your character at this point and have her wonder if she would turn out the same way she did, thus letting the reader know that your main character has a past. This engages the reader more into your story. You could have gotten the little girl's name, the mother's name and the narrative character's name. Now it's more intimate. Do you see where I'm coming from?
You have a tendency toward redundancy. "She was a beautiful little girl who looked sweeter than a bucket of cotton candy cover(ed) with sugar."
We already know she is little because you said she was no more than four years old. "She was strikingly beautiful" is sufficient for the reader to imagine all the beautiful little girls he/she has seen in their life. Sweeter than cotton candy cover(ed) with sugar is redundant because the reader knows that cotton candy is made with spun sugar. So your description could have been she was either beautiful, or she was as sweet as cotton candy and leave it at that. Don't get over-descriptive, always leave some to the reader's imagination.
Remember, when you are writing a scene, always make it in the present...the here and now. Don't bring in what the future may be or what the past may be. Engage the reader's imagination, not their intellect. Don't tell them what they should be feeling, show them, and they will feel it.
One other major point is the last sentence. Where you write "No more was said..." That sounds like a news reporter on the nightly news. You could use some inner dialog here in the line of; (I thought of engaging [name of girl] in conversation, but saw that her mother was resting so we sat in silence. They got off at the last stop just as I had suspected)
I hope this critique helped you. Please continue to write. Once you get the hang of it, there is nothing more satisfying.
A story beautiflly told. I was entranced from beginning to end. I thoroughly enjoyed it. No weak spots, no places where the story dragged. Every word counted and the story moved forward at just the right pace. Minimal character descriptions worked to keep my attention on the story and not distracted with a lot of uneccessary details. A job well done. Gunny
Very well written. The instructions are easy to follow. Of course, I think anyone who would do this probably has issues more serious than wanting to look like some kind of freak clown. I got a good laugh out of the article. Thanks to the Exponential Potential Consulting ezine at <drtracepirtle@xponentialpotential.com> I got to this article.
Once again Meg, you have nailed the essence of the thing. There have been times when I've come across an old abandoned farm house or fallen down log cabin. Sometimes all that remains is an old stone chimney. I never gave it much thought. But after reading your poem, I think about the families that once lived there, about the good times and the bad they must have experienced. It reminds us all of how fleeting the time is that remains to us. What will happen to all that we hold dear when we are gone? These are the feelings and emotions I had when reading your poem. Well done.
This story kept my attention till the end. I'm glad it was a good ending. There were some minor grammar errors which I' sure you would spot with a quick edit. You are a good writer and should develop your skills. You cn only do that by writing more. I'd love to see an essay on how to cope successfully with the obstacles that are thrown in your path? Keep writing! Gunny
A delightful story. Well written and quite spell-binding. I loved the ending. Good descriptions of characters and the dialog flowed naturally. You plotted the story very well with the magic ring. I kept wondering if she would get the ring and if she did what would happen. Good story telling.
Overall Impression:Very good essay. You lined up all your points and backed up your opinions with facts.
What I liked:I liked the way you displayed a change of attitude toward the end of the essay. The speech given by Bill Cosby actually made a lot of black leaders angry. Most people took whatCosby had to say in the right way and like you, had their eyes opened to who is actually holding poor blacks down.
What I disliked:NOthing
Spelling/GrammarIn the paragraph starting "Today" there must be a comma after the word because "Today" is an introductory phrase. Further in that same paragraph strike the word "the" from "the higher salary jobs..." and change the word "then" to "than". Also in the paragraph starting "In contrast..." this is also an introductory phrase and you guessed it...there should be a comma.
Suggestions/CommentsInstead of writing "totally" from King's actions, a better word would be "sprang" from... I've always had trouble with the idea that we are all created equal and the way some people take that to mean. We are in fact, all created equal in the eyes of God, but in the eyes of man, you know as well as I that some are born with more intelligence than others, some have more athletic ability than others, others are pretty, and yet others are ugly, some strong-minded, some weak-minded. Until we admit this, we will always be deluding ourselves. I think that we must strive for equal opportunities for all who are qualified. Not to give people who have the talent an equal chance among his peers is criminal. Just as giving someone an advantage because of his/her race is criminal...in my opinion. Good job on the essay.
For a spoof adventure story, I liked the pace you set and kept throughout.
The playful nature of your hero's antics defy's all the standard rules of fiction. As a spoof, you've done a good job. Lots of wild unbelievable events and the giant white cobra with the saber-like fangs dripping buckets of venom. There was no secret that your hero was always going to survive. Like James Bond, it only remained to see how clever he would be to get out of all the jams. Oh, BTW when you hear someone speak, it isn't spelled "herd." That's a group of animals. I could have given this a higher score but for the grammer and punctuation errors.
Work on those and you'll have a good story
Overall Impression:A wonderful poem that is absolutely appropriate to today's atmosphere. It reflects the feelings of many of us who feel whe have struggled so hard over so many years only to find ourselves back to square one where our Founding Fathers were struggling to gain freedom from a tyrannical king, and we are struggling to gain freedom from ever-encroaching enemies both from within and without our borders.
What I liked:It tells exactly what the problem is and how to solve it.
Spelling/GrammarExcellent.
Suggestions/CommentsNone that I can think of. Great job. Thank you for sharing this wonderful poem.
Overall Impression:A poem of rare beauty. This is a jewel and anyone who says otherwise is a fool. You've done it again Meg. I've read and reread this poem several times and it just keeps getting better. Great job.
What I liked: As all great poetry, you should be able to read it and say to yourself, that's me, that's my life. This poem does that for me
Overall Impression:Wonderfully written. Very descriptive exuding the essence of the people who live in a harsh rugged land.
What I liked:I liked the pace of the reading. I moves you along from start to finish with no areas of stagnation or muddling around. I especially liked the ending. Makes one think about the benefits of living off of one's wits if for nothing else than to see what one is made of.
You have mirrored my own experience when I first joined WDC. It was the free upgrade by an anonymous gifter that cinched it for me. Since then, I've done the same for others. I hope you continue to enjoy you new family. Write On! Gunny
WOW! That is a great poem! I will copy this and use it when my neices get married. They're in college now and it shouldn't be too much longer. You don't mind do you? Thank you for visiting my port and for your review. Lynn
Wow, you said it there. The image you portray of painting blood on the face of humanity that has degraded into such disgusting behavior, was outstanding! I'm so glad you are sharing your talent with all of us here at WDC. Gunny
My reviews are meant to be instructive and suggestive, not definitive.
Overall Impression:This was a good example of how your life can be changed in the blink of an eye. How some folks think they have everything under control and suddenly their life takes an unexpected turn that puts everything out of your hands.
Opening:An excellent beginning that sets the scene, gives background, and generates the interest to keep reading.
Spelling, Grammar & Punctuation:In the 3rd paragraph I suggest you make it clear that you didn't make it to the party. "Never quite made it." is like saying, "Not quite pregnant." 5th paragraph, 2nd sentence is a run-on sentence. Needs to be broken up into smaller segments.
What I liked:For the most part this story moved along well and I could feel the nightmarish panic you must have felt on realizing you were not able to help yourself.
Ending:Why not give this story an ending? Is there going to be a real continuation? I'd love to read it.
Comments/Suggestions for Improvement:Look for repetitive phrases and words within the same sentences and paragraphs and re-write them for smoother reading.
Overall a satisfying read that needs a little polishing to really make this story come alive. Lynn
Overall Impression:Probably the most touching poem I've ever read.
What I liked:The picture of the alcove and the "Wall" The mental picture of sailing boats in a calm tranquil bay. The picture of the gravemarker and his Australian Army hat made it very personal to me.
Suggestions/Comments I joined you in prayer for Doug, a fellow soldier.
We Marines have the utmost respect and admiration for the medics in the field. I've always believed that the wounds they carry inside are much greater than the physical wounds they have dealt with. Your friend, Lynn
Overall Impression:A delightful poem. Have you been visiting my home lately?
What I liked:The mischievous impishishness and creative ways to frustrate an otherwise good day. Good tempo, easy to read. I brought a smile to my face and I recognized where some of these things come from now.
I especially like the last line. It separated itself from the rest of the poem by not rhyming with I thought was a nice touch.
What I disliked:If I were the target
Spelling/GrammarWell edited.
Suggestions/CommentsNo suggestions. Just keep writing. Delightful poem, I really enjoyed it. Gunny
My reviews are meant to be instructive and suggestive, not definitive.
Overall Impression:A delightful story with an interesting twist on characterization and POV
Opening:Opening with a garded fork doing the speaking I just had to read on to see what it had to say. A good hook.
Characters & Dialogue:Using an inanimate object as the main character is usually the way stories for children are written, but hey, we're all kids, just bigger.
Spelling, Grammar & Punctuation:"She had slim soft hand,..." s/b hands.
What I liked:That it won a contest. I can see why. I thought the POV was excellent as you let the tool take us through the life of it's owner and family.
What I disliked:Not a thing.
Plot:This was a character-driven story, no need for a plot.
Ending:A sad slice of life. Sad, but not overly sentimental. I like the way the poor garden rake is neglected and left out in the garden as people have other more important things to do.
Comments/Suggestions for Improvement:Comments>>Another great story. Keep writing. Warmest regards, Lynn
My reviews are meant to be instructive and suggestive, not definitive.
Overall Impression:This was a wonderful Christmas story. I've always loved Christmas stories and this was one of the best. I am honored that you think so well of my humble offering.
Opening:The opening drew me right into the story. Before I knew it I was right there beside this special girl, feeling the cold and it was like I was inside her mind.
Characters & Dialogue:Great job of both. The dialogue was believable and your charactersization of the special girl was superb. The way people reacted to her was also done very well.
Spelling, Grammar & Punctuation:One word..."passed" for "past" as in "she bumped apologetically past..."
Plot:This special girl's struggle just to get from point A to point B was maintained throughout the story.
Ending:The ending was sweet without being maudlin. I felt much better not only for her and myself but for mankind in general. Thank you for sharing this story.
Suggestions/comments:As you told me, I would be very proud if I had written this story myself I am impressed with your knowledge of the craft. You make it look so easy and only another writer knows that an easy read is a damn hard write. I'll be reading more of your port. Warmest Regards, Lynn.
My reviews are meant to be instructive and suggestive, not definitive.
Overall Impression:This was a fast and furiously paced story. I had trouble keeping up with the names but that was because of their foreign sounds. I felt that there was a lot going on for a such a short story. This would make the excellent "seed" for a novel.
Opening:A little slow in developing. Although the opening was very skillful writing, it has little relevance to the pending battle. I recommend starting the story with the paragraph "It has begun..." then work the stuff from the opening in as backstory if it is really imortant to the story. It's always best to jerk your reader into the action first thing off the bat, especially with a short story.
Characters & Dialogue:I thought the characters were well-defined not only through narrative but through their thoughts and actions and their interractions with each other. Dialogue was believable and you did a skillful job of keeping everyone sorted out.
Spelling, Grammar & Punctuation:I caught one misspelled word..road for rode.
Plot:The story line continued throughout the piece and did not waver.
What I liked:Once the story got going, it kept moving forward, there was not a lot of summary and narrative about what was going on and why. The actions spoke for themselves.
What I disliked:There were no breaks between scenes. It felt as if I kept running out of air, as if I were falling or tumbling through the story. There needs to be a few places where you change the pace to give a breather to the reader. Now this may be exactly the tempo you wished for, so if it is,
disregard my opinion on that score.
Ending:I thought it shows your understanding of the craft. Your characters had a change of heart, an epihany, so to speak, about warfare.
Suggestions for Improvement:For a short story, the number of characters should be kept to the bare minimum, especially in an action-packed story such as this. There is a lot going on and the reader may find it too difficult to keep track of all of them. Don't write so much about mankind as about a particular man. It will make your story sound more human and less of a hominy about mankind. Always write for your own enjoyment but please remember the reader...invite him/her into the story. I really enjoyed reading this piece. Good job!
I hope my comments have helped and that you in no way find them offensive. Warmest Regards my friend, Lynn
My reviews are meant to be instructive and suggestive, not definitive.
Overall Impression:Shades of Amy Tan. This is a great read. I am not going to wait to read all the chapters to review because I know the rest will be just as good as the first chapter. I can't wait to get into the rest of this story.
Opening:The opening has set the mood for the rest of the story and has generated the interest to keep reading to see what your mother discovered that so drastically changed her attitude.
Characters & Dialogue:So far the necessary characters are beautifully described and well-rounded. The tragic death of your father brought a sadness to me which is indicative of your skill in writing.
Spelling, Grammar & Punctuation:Absolutely no problems in this area. Well-written and well-edited.
Plot:The story-line seems to be well-established. There is a mystery and you are bound to solve it. The title tells me that it will have something to do with Mt. Pinatubo. You are willing to do what is necessary to get to the bottom of what affected your mother so much. The mysterious woman on the plane has begun to build some tension, so I'm sure she will play a part in this tale.
Suggestions/comments:I want to thank you so much for sharing this story with us. It is a pleasure to read and as I said, I can't wait to get to the rest of the chapters. In my busy schedule, I have to squeeze in reading and reviewing when I can, but I'm going to set aside time for this story. Lynn
Overall Impression:A wonderful poem that trips off the tongue as you red it aloud. I couldn't help but chuckle all the way through it. And I always wondered what that stuff was since I visited Sydney back in the 60's.
What I liked:It was inforomative, cheerful, and upbeat, typical Aussie humor. A pleasant read. I can see why Kraft used it.
What I disliked: Nothing
Spelling/GrammarWell written and edited.
Suggestions/CommentsCONGRATULATIONS on having KRAFT post your poem for all the world to see. I find it interesting how certain parts of the world, in fact, certain parts of the same country, favor certain tastes over others. For instance, why do people in the Pacific Islands love SPAM while we in America, who created it, who manufacture and distribute it, treat it like we'd eat it only as a last resort? {robably something to do with WWII when the stuff we called "mystery meat" was initially introduced into that part of the world.
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I could have given this a higher score but for the grammer and punctuation errors.