LOL! Whoops. But I could tell that you have a really good heart and hey, at least your embarrassing moment was a result of good intentions! Most of my own embarrassments were of less than noble intents.
But as for the mechanical aspects of the story, I thought it was very well written and it certainly brought a smile to my face. Your descriptions were wonderful and vivid - they really painted the first impression of the woman in a clear, accurate portrayal. The only problem that really stood out in my mind was the last sentence. I believe it could be worded better to sound less awkward. Instead of "on", perhaps you should substitute "for"?
Otherwise, excellent piece! I look forward to reading more from you soon!
Wow. This piece just left me speechless. I loved how used such clear, vivid imagery to portray a child's view of her "all powerful" father. The detailed process of ripping open an "Invisible Band-aid" and applying it on showed such beautiful paternal love and care. It gave me a warm fuzzy feeling - the expressive scenes of a child's unwavering trust really captivated me.
Then the ending twists abruptly into a bittersweet tale of maturity and disappointment. It really conveys a deep, personal heartbreak and brought in a tone of melancholic wistfulness and grief for the broken image of Super Daddy and Invisible Band-aids.
You had excellent descriptive images and a steady rhythm and structure. Great job! I highly enjoyed this piece.
Keep on writing! I look forward to reading more from you soon . . .
Hmmm . . . wow, this piece really had me thinking. I can tell this was really an intense work imbued with deep, personal emotions and thoughtful philosophical views. It certainly inspires - or at least, provokes - readers to contemplate about their own lives and their current states of "happiness". I especially enjoyed the last three lines - it really leaves you with something to think about long after the piece has finished. Excellent job!
While there were some awkward phrasing and structure . . .
(for example,
"It might sound a very simple question,
but really put some thought into the question,"
I believe it should be "sound like a very simple question". The repetition of "question" also sounds a bit redundant and tiring - perhaps substitute another word for it?)
. . . I believe the overall effect was beautifully done. It's poetic and clearly establishes a natural flow to your words. I thought this piece was extremely thoughtful and well written. Great job! I look forward to reading more from you soon!
Wow! Excellent story - transforming such an adorable, innocent child into something so horrifyingly evil absolutely sent chills down my spine. There was just one small point I didn't quite get - how did the man die in the first place? I understand it was by his own knife but I can't really see how a "misaimed blow" could have led to him hitting himself. I suspect that when you're trying to slash someone, you wouldn't hold your other arm in front of you so there's a possibility that you might miss and cut yourself. Perhaps he was holding onto to the girl and she struggled? Otherwise, awesome job and congrats on winning first place. Your descriptions and the suspenseful development really had me on the edge of my seat. Keep on writing!
This is a really great poem with a lot of vivid imagery. It brings a feeling of peace and relaxation - just letting the flow bring a person to his/her destination. It's a feeling of submission to fate and life. Excellent job!
There is just one thing I'd like to bring to your attention:
In the second stanza, your first line:
So we lye down,
This is just a minor spelling error/typo. "Lye" is a corrosive alkaline substance. I think you meant to "lie".
Otherwise, absolutely lovely poem. I look forward to reading more from you soon. Keep on writing!
The beautiful imagery immediately captivated me and held me in thrall! You really did a great job employing such vivid imagery - I can really picture the scene in my head. Excellent work!
Errors & Suggestions - Mechanical Aspects
There are just a few points I'd like to bring to your attention:
My eyes lifted, and i began to sing
Comments: "i" should be capitalized.
I seen the faces, of those before me
Comments: Comma unnecessary.
I seen the faces, of those before me
Comments: Comma unnecessary.
as i felt the talon of an eagle
Comments: "i" should be capitalized.
What I Liked/Disliked (A.K.A. Just My Little Humble Opinions )
Wow! This piece was just . . . wow! LOL! I really like the fact that your Native American heritage played a big part in this - it makes this poem more personal; it made it yours.
I also really enjoyed the powerful imagery you employed. It was really beautiful and I just couldn't help but admire the scenes that were depicted. Clear-cut yet intense emotions imbued this poem with a heavy and powerful effect. It's the classic "Finding Yourself" poem and it was marvelously well done.
The only problem I had was that the rhythm varied somewhat and there wasn't really any particular, set structure . . . but then again, this is supposed to symbolize a dream and a dream is never categorized neatly.
Great job!
Lasting Image
All in all, it was an excellent poem. You displayed quite a talent! Asides from some minor mechanical and spelling mistakes, this was really a powerful, intense piece. I definitely look forward to reading more soon! Thank you for sharing!
I honestly didn't notice any typos, etc. at all so kudos to you!
What I Liked/Disliked (A.K.A Just My Humble Little Opinions
You have awesome imagery and your words are extremely passionate - I can feel the emotions behind each line, each word. You depict several images that really caught my attention and made me think. I think this piece is one of the more philosophical, deep thought provoking writing I have ever read here on Writing.com - great job!
Sometimes, the phrasing of your lines sounded a bit awkward and tripped up the flow of the piece. For example, "swam the ocean" really didn't seem to roll off my tongue as naturally as the rest of your prose. Otherwise, great job!
Lasting Image - Overall Impression
All in all, lovely piece with beautiful images. You really made me think - and that's one of the most important tools of an author! Great job!
This was a really cute poem with an extremely creative format - the structure really caught my interest and it held my attention throughout the whole piece. I love how it seems to have around in a full circle, tying up the ending nicely. Great job!
Hehe, I can also really relate to this poem - as I'm sure other reviewers here do. It really summarizes the basic "reviewing experience" and I really like how you depicted the image of "she" sitting in front of her computer, clicking away. Awesome job!
From She to Me, the reviewer to the reviewee, the reader can just follow the, ahem, "intricate" process along. Nice, clear-cut descriptions that serve to guide the reviewer's depiction of the scene.
Once again, great job! I honestly couldn't find any typos so kudos to you! Thank you for sharing your poem and I look forward to reading more soon!
Another beautiful poem! You've certainly proved that you have mastered the art of brief yet efficient descriptions. I can just picture the dance in my mind. Great job in employing such vivid imagery!
The beginning stanza seemed to begin a bit abruptly for me and for some reason, didn't sound quite as natural flowing as the rest of the piece. However, this was quickly smoothed over as the reader got caught up in the later verses. It was absolutely beautiful and felt like the poem had been embued with a soft, dreamlike quality that affects all moments of love. I especially loved the last two stanzas. I believe the last line "And for the dance we finally began" was incredibly fitting as it shows how the relationship is only just starting to blossom.
Awesome job! I really enjoyed this work. I'm looking forward to reading more.
I was immediately captivated by your "examples" of black - definitely not your normal poems about the colors of rainbows. All of your descriptions painted a vivid picture in my mind and clearly defined "Black".
Errors & Suggestions for Solutions
There are just a few points I'd like to bring to your attention:
A witches hat, a witches Cauldron
Comments: Should this be in possessive terms? As in "A witch's hat, a witch's cauldron"?
a black top hat no longer worn
Comments: I noticed that you didn't capitalize the beginning, "a", when the rest of your lines are. Why was this line so different?
What I Liked/Disliked (A.K.A. Just My Little Humble Opinions )
Extremely powerful imagery that clearly delineates the scene in my mind. You clearly show that you have mastered the art of brief but sufficient descriptions. Although you just list these examples, all of them appear "dark" and "creepy" to me - it really made me see black. Excellent job!
There were just several times I was a bit confused - I'm not entirely sure why there's a black chinese wedding dress - what does this example allude to? Chinese wedding dresses are generally qi paos these days and they're almost always red in color being that it's the culture's lucky color. Otherwise, I thought this poem was very good!
Lasting Image: Overall Impression
Great piece that seemed to be imbued with a mood of dark suspense - really highlight the images that "Black" produce. Awesome job!
Thank you so much for sharing this poem! I look forward to reading more.
I was immediately captivated by your close attention to details. All the scenes are masterfully depicted and it's so easy to picture. Excellent job on the imagery usage.
Errors & Suggestions for Solutions
There are just a few points I'd like to bring to your attention:
From the outside the house looked like a cute little home that someone should be able to fix up really nice, not sure about the inside.
Comments: Need a comma after "outside". "not sure about the inside" sounds a bit awkward.
Who knows maybe that day is today.
Comments: Awkward phrasing. Maybe you should separate the structure? Like "Who knows? Maybe that day is today."
The day came when I finally decided that I Would do a little investigating of our own.
Comments: Would should be not be capitalized.
After-all, it looked like such . . .
Comments: The dash between "After-all" is not necessary.
My curiosity has overcome me.
Comments: Need tense agreement: "has" should be "had".
The dog was hungry thirsty and need of attention . . .
Comments: Perhaps "The dog was hungry, thirsty, and in need of attention . . ."?
"Neither one of us were prepared for what we found inside the wall."
Comments: This line doesn't have to be put in quotes. The narrator is not speaking this sentence.
What I Liked/Disliked (A.K.A. Just My Little Humble Opinions )
Oh my. This piece just socked me in my gut. Incredibly creepy, you certainly built up the suspense well. I was horrified along with the narrator and it caught my heart deeply. Not only was this a great horror piece, the incredibly tragic event at the end also left me completely speechless.
Extremely powerful imagery that clearly delineates the scene in my mind. I can just follow along with the narrator. You clearly show that you have mastered the art of brief but sufficient descriptions. Excellent job!
Hmmm . . . but while I enjoyed your usage of powerful words and detailed descriptions, I found it hard to believe that the cop would actually allow a normal citizen to go into the house with him - and hand her latex gloves while she's at it. I believe it's normal procedure for a cop to try to keep things from the public and I doubt he will let her go in with him even if she was the one who led him to the place. It would be breaching privacy without a search warrant and bringing in an outsider will be another strike against him.
However, I understand that it was necessary for the narrator to enter the house in order to witness such a horrific sight so I guess I won't put too much emphasis on the facts. It was still an extremely well-written story!
Lasting Image: Overall Impression
Great piece that had me quaking in my seat! The ending just made my mouth drop open. I really enjoy the details you chose to include and how you expressed the whole scene in the house. I also really, really liked the ending. The way you built up the piece - imbued with a mood of suspense - really brought out the shock of the reader. Awesome job!
Although you had some minor mechanical problems such as awkward phrasing, comma neglection, etc., it was still a very good piece.
Thank you so much for sharing this story! I look forward to reading more.
Brief yet sufficient enough to get your story across. Excellent job!
Errors & Suggestions for Solutions
I honestly didn't notice anything at all. No typos, no SP mistakes, nothing. Kudos to you!
What I Liked/Disliked (A.K.A. Just My Little Humble Opinions )
I really enjoyed hearing about your own story - bios always interest me. I thought this piece was great. Even though it was a bit short, I got a glimpse of your voice and your beliefs on what is important to you. I especially loved the tidbit about how you thought you were "issued instead of being born" - LOL! It really brought a smile to my face.
The minor points I had a problem with was
a) a bit too short (but it's bio so just ignore me )
b) you kind of jumped around from fact to fact about your life. I saw no connection between each sentence - no chronological sequence. It seemed like a jumble of facts - but since your description already stated that it's "Some facts about me", it makes sense. Ignore that point as well then.
Lasting Image: Overall Impression
Great piece that gave me some insight to the author behind some powerful poetry. Although it was a bit short and jumbled, it creates an effect of "a glimpse". The reader is catching a brief sight of the author and that is never organized into neat paragraphs. Excellent job!
Thank you for sharing more about you! I look forward to reading more.
Great poem with an interesting, creative notion: writing about your own death. Since it's so close and personal to you, the poem is passionate and filled with an optimism that just brings light to the reader. Excellent job!
Errors & Suggestions for Solutions
There wasn't many glaring errors - no typos at all. However, I notice that your comma usage varies a bit.
For example, in the first stanza:
Upon my death
I hope that all will rejoice.
I would tell you,
Could I with human voice,
That now with my Father
I shall dwell.
All things are well.
There should be commas after "my death" and then after "my Father" but you only chose to employ one in the middle of the stanza. Perhaps you intended for it to be this way, but I just wanted to point this out to you.
What I Liked/Disliked (A.K.A. Just My Little Humble Opinions )
I really enjoyed the scene you depicted and how you firmly expressed your wishes for everyone to rejoice at the end of their lives because much more will be waiting for them after mortality. The piece is imbued with a natural sense of optimism and hope - it really uplifts the reader. Great job!
However, despite the moving idea your piece conveys, there is just one small point I'd like to bring to your attention. Your rhythm tends to vary somewhat and without a steady beat, it distracts the reader and takes away from the focus on what really matters: your message. If you paced the syllables in each line, the flow will be much more natural and the poem will really be perfect then.
Lasting Image: Overall Impression
I highly enjoyed this piece and as I have said before, the idea and scenes you depict (with God waiting for you at the end, ready to welcome you) are really captivating. I liked the fact that you write this piece as an intention to comfort those "who are left behind". An absolutely novel notion.
Although your rhythm wasn't quite steady, your rhymes were natural and sounded perfect. None of them sounded contrived and forced. At times, it's writing rhymes that is hardest test of a poet's ability . . . so congratulations, you've passed!
Great poem! I look forward to reading more from you soon. Thank you for sharing!
Oh wow. I'm speechless. Well, not quite. I can still utter the fact that this poem was absolutely lovely!
I liked how you paid attention to rhythm and structure - you kept a nice, steady beat throughout the piece and it made for a great flow.
The beginning was beautiful and brought a smile to my face - and then it happened. The transformation. I can see that the way you structured it portrayed your own memories and feelings - a sense of bewilderment and confusion - How did things end up like this? All of a sudden, a seemingly perfect relationship dissolved into a horrible nightmare. The images you portrayed with deep, provoking descriptions clearly defined the way things were seen from your eyes.
There were just a few mechanical problems - in the beginning stanza, I believed there was a bit of a tense problem - "is" should have been "was".
The ending stanza sounded a bit awkward to me as well - I didn't quite feel satisfied with the last line. "Many more are yet to Scroll!" It didn't seem . . . "finished" to me - and perhaps you intended it to be that way, as an allusion to your ongoing problem.
The poem was imbued with a bittersweet tone that lingered on the reader's mind long after the piece has ended. It embodied emotions that deeply touched me. The rhymes sounded natural, not at all forced and contrived. Absolutely great job!
Extremely creative concept! I enjoyed how you portrayed the scene from the "eyes" of the trap. The words you choose are powerful and possessive, keeping to the theme of the finger trap. I especially liked the beginning: "Mine!"
I noticed you kept to a steady structure and rhythm. Great job! Your punctuation was a bit sporadic, but it still read well. The beat sounded primitive and wild and I believe it kept to the item's "non-english speaking" theme. Great poem!
Ah, so bittersweet. The ending line was by far my favorite. It sends tingles down my spine. Regret. Resignation. Grief. It epitomizes the feeling of a broken heart.
I enjoyed the way you depicted the "Choose a Bride" ceremony. The words you used (revelry and spree) gave me the feeling that this was set in the medieval times or a fantastic age of mystical intrigue and I love how you are able to show this, rather than just outright telling the reader.
One criticism I have was that the beginning sounded a bit abrupt and contrived. The rhymes sounded a bit forced and I believe with a smoother intro, the poem will be perfect. Your ending verses absolutely flowed, setting a nice and steady rhythm. All in all, I believed you did a great job! Hope to read more from you soon!
~ Maeven
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My eyes lifted, and i began to sing
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