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Your story leaves me feeling hopeful, with a lump in my throat at the end. Well written in the first person, you carry me through a day in the life of Melissa, her observations, thoughts, self-recriminations, and hope. She is a flawed protagonist I want to see do well. Carl Sawyer, on the other hand, has no redeeming characteristics, excepting his appearance, which is apparently enough in his town to forgive extramarital affairs, disregard for his son, even slovenly eating habits.
A few thoughts and comments here for your consideration .
Your descriptions are vivid, drawing me in to Melissa’s thoughts and observations. Lots of impact in your opening phrase “My only son hates me…” - I suggest a comma for pause, perhaps, before the rest of the sentence, to set it off. The second sentence, suggest something like “fighting to hide my disgust” (“trying to hide” – a bit of telling - doesn’t show me if succeeding or not). The final sentence carries a number of thoughts. Consider a minor rewording, perhaps something like “He wipes it absently and smiles at me, his gaze a painful reminder of why…” Also, a slight discrepancy in time span – suggest “…fell in love with this man over sixteen years…” instead of “almost sixteen” since it’s their son’s 16th birthday (or almost seventeen if you prefer).
Great description of the interchange between the two of them, how Carl’s attitude changes, and visuals put me there.
I suggest perhaps a bit more clarification of Melissa’s thought in the paragraph where Carl stops chewing – the final sentence might be more poignant if separated into two, perhaps more of her thought in a separate sentence to begin with “It happens all the time…(I remind him of his responsibility???) see where I’m coming from – show more of her thought.
The paragraph where Carl calls her Lisa – maybe try more visual showing, something perhaps like “…and I bite my tongue to keep from physically shuddering at the pet name.” (showing me how she resists the urge)??
I like the dash of self-pity – visible realism - Melissa is human with wants and dreams of her own, perhaps long ago put aside. The third last sentence in that paragraph has several thoughts – perhaps consider splitting. “It’s not been an easy road for me. “Working two jobs while raising a little boy alone left me precious little time to smell the roses.
The next paragraph again is such a great visual – and so much anguish in the last sentence, as is the paragraph following. One spot there for clarification “However, those stopped…’ consider instead “However, that stopped…” (Norm’s way of waiting for his dad on the steps, I believe is the inference?)
The paragraph beginning – “Now I consider myself lucky…” The second sentence “few and in-between” – I think you mean …few and far between.”
Where Melissa leaves the restaurant – perhaps more visual …aware of the curious glances cast my way.” A – did she leave him (unfaithful earlier) or did he leave her?)
Setting the table – “tablecloth” is one word (oops) – also, do you want to say the tablecloth is “only” used on Norm’s birthday??
Natural and honest feel to the conversation between Norm and Melissa.
Norm’s long speech, in one place past and present tense seem to clash – perhaps try …guts to walk up to his office and tell him to his face that I will be a better man…
Next paragraph, as to showing – …upstairs to change and, making my joy complete, he wraps…
The final paragraph, second sentence ”After six long years,…” I think eliminating “For” there gives more impact to the sentence. Powerful ending – a lump in my throat each reading.
It’s a challenge writing a narrative like this in the first person, and I think here the challenge was well met. I got to know Melissa through her actions and thoughts over a day that turned out to be a turning point in her life.
I enjoyed reading this story, and look forward to seeing more of your work^_^
Keep Writing!
Kate
Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes
rune ~ mannaz becoming
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