*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/manga_kate/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/18
Review Requests: OFF
1,259 Public Reviews Given
1,301 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Conversational - I don't have a formal template. Comment to my perception of the work, both substance and technique; highlights & misses. My reviews are public by default, but I will gladly make private upon request.
I'm good at...
Poetry - I read aloud; respond to both art and craft; Short Story - I listen for the voice(s) and respond with how I perceive both the creative voice and technique; and effective use of writer's tools; Articles/Essays - I'll let you know how you keep it real and hold my interest. Comment to substance & technique, fact-checking, depth of research, logical flow.
Favorite Genres
I love to read ^_^
Favorite Item Types
Poetry, Short Stories, Articles / Essays
Public Reviews
Previous ... 14 15 16 17 -18- 19 ... Next
426
426
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Snow1**Snow2**Snow3*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


This is so intense and vivid, the image stays with me after I have finished reading, with the hope that it's not too late. It speaks not only to those sobering up, but to enablers and those who have lived in fear, merely biding their time as the years fly ever more swiftly by. So disturbingly real.

But finally waking, there's always a chance, no matter how small, a bit of hope...???

I have but a few techno things that slowed me a bit ~ First line, "manmade" is one word; in the third stanza, "my yearning for -" seems more accurate; and the second last stanza, "memories" plural is, I believe, the intent.

Thank you for offering this provocative and thought-provoking work!
Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …/i}
~~Image #4000 Sharing Restricted~~
Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes
Invalid Merit Badge #112280 ** Image ID #933706 Unavailable ** Invalid Merit Badge #111960

427
427
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Snow1**Snow2**Snow3*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


I like the image of being released from the "claws of security...relax in the dangers of the unknown."*Thumbsup* ~ tossing off the shackles of mediocrity and mere existence to take a chance^_^

The images from atop the roof are vivid and draw me into the scenes. Each paragraph progresses naturally and brings me closer to the realization of that statement. Well told.

I have but a few comments or suggestions or consideration in order to make me a more active participant, rather than an observer, in this journey.

For example, the last sentence of the second paragraph, "The vapor collides with the chilled air, creating tendrils of steam that float toward the sky."

And the third paragraph, "I notice" is not necessary for me to see that "My neighbor's trees... and how about And though I can see so far and wide, silence greets me on this sunny Saturday." [I'm trying for something a big more engaging of the senses in this segment, to make me feel I sit next to you and see this world with your eyes.]

The next paragraph, the droll wit brings me back to earth from he esoteric, well done*Smile*

The next paragraph, "Let me escape this cage of safety with artificial heat." ~ the image is using artificial heat in order to escape, where I think you are saying "Let me escape this cage of artificially heated safety."

The concusion is so vivid ~ stays with me after having finished reading, leading me to believe that I too might one day find the courage to 'relax in the dangers of the unknown' ^_^

Thank you for offering this provocative read!
Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …/i}
~~Image #4000 Sharing Restricted~~
Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes
Invalid Merit Badge #112280 ** Image ID #933706 Unavailable ** Invalid Merit Badge #111960

428
428
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
*Snow1**Snow2**Snow3*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


Your story is one of despair and budding hope, and a vision of Earth that may very well come to pass. Hopefully our descendants have the means and another world to which they will be able to travel.

The story is well paced and the chapters or segments progress naturally. Changing the point of view in 'Resolution' works well for me.

The names, Blair and Blaine, being so similar, however, made me want to go back an re-read parts of the second section for fuller understanding.

I also note that there is some telling rather than showing, which in the scene descriptions might work to more fully draw the reader into this world of the future. You make reference to all the senses, and an active voice could put me right in the picture. For example, to conclude the first paragraph, consider something like "Stagnant dust and ashes rose up to permeate the air, assaulting her nostrils."

Some words evoke images that appear incongruous in their placement to me. i.e., second paragraph, "This dead area was the epitome of a society..." ~ is the meaning "This dead area was the legacy of a society..."??? I'm suggesting that sometimes simpler works where the image or thought is powerful in itself.

Also, 4th paragraph, "Dust clouds contorted upon the city," Contorted not a verb, so the image is lost somewhat on me.

I also note some redundancies, i.e., first paragraph under 'Resolution' ~ muggy and humid are so closely alike.
Also, that paragraph, an image for your contemplation, try "...look into his deepset eyes" or "She raised her head to gaze deeply into his eyes." in place of "deep eyes"

Under Soujourn, Blain's hair mussed or tangled rather than "muddled"

and the next paragraph, you describe so well how she is sad, so the first line would perhaps more accurately be "...Blair was relieved that she could use the window..." in place of 'happy'

Your story has some poignant and vivid elements, and your portrayal of the two's interactions is natural and believable, offering hope in the midst of desperation.

Thank you for offering this thought-provking work!
Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …/i}
~~Image #4000 Sharing Restricted~~
Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes
Invalid Merit Badge #112280 ** Image ID #933706 Unavailable ** Invalid Merit Badge #111960

429
429
Review of Ocean  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Snow1**Snow2**Snow3*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


I am drawn into beautiful visual imagery here. An image is portrayed by reading the first and second lines; also second and third; and again first and third. Can be read on several levels.

Thank you for offering this great read!
Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …/i}
~~Image #4000 Sharing Restricted~~
Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes
Invalid Merit Badge #112280 ** Image ID #933706 Unavailable ** Invalid Merit Badge #111960

430
430
Review of Stolen Emotions  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Snow1**Snow2**Snow3*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


Your words are powerful and vivid. I am innocent love corrupted and destroyed by one formerly trusted. A sad truth on multiple levels.

One line, "Once we experienced innocence" is a bit ambiguous and slows me just a bit. Is it intended to refer to innocent love, or trust? I'm left unsure there.

Reading aloud, the rhythm flows pretty smoothly, with each image and line having a natural focus and leading to the next.

Thank you for offering this provocative work!
Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …/i}
~~Image #4000 Sharing Restricted~~
Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes
Invalid Merit Badge #112280 ** Image ID #933706 Unavailable ** Invalid Merit Badge #111960

431
431
Review of This world  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Snow1**Snow2**Snow3*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


I found this to be a powerful and a visually evocative poem. The cycle of hope, seeing dreams and paths come to fruition only to become corrupted by battle and impure hearts, to end with the desruction of the same hope. Very thought-provoking and realistic look at our world today.

Reading aloud, the rhythm of the words flows smoothly and propels me forward from one image to the next, focusing on key ideas. Well written. The final stanzas are so visual; I am committed to reflect on each.

I have but a few places where I am a bit slowed in the reading and offer the following comments and suggestions for your consideration.

*Bullet*using the words 'see' and 'seen' within two lines, suggest perhaps "I grasp the truths I've gleaned" ?? keeps the rhyme you have going without making me jump back to the earlier 'see'

Also, you use commas effectively for pause but eschew periods. Suggest adding a few, perhaps, where images end, to create a short reflective pause.

"Harsh reality sets in." suggest a period here, in partiicular, since you begin the next line with the same word, "In"

Also the one line, "The future of all life" loses its rhythm for me reading aloud, a bit abrupt ~ suggest something like "The future of all life to be" as a bit smoother transition to the next line??? ~ this definitely a subjective offering

Thank you for offering this thought-provoking read!
Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …/i}
~~Image #4000 Sharing Restricted~~
Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes
Invalid Merit Badge #112280 ** Image ID #933706 Unavailable ** Invalid Merit Badge #111960

432
432
Review of Accept Me  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Snow1**Snow2**Snow3*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


I could not put this down, once begun. Your story built tension and kept it up throughout. There was some mystery too in that I didn't know what was 'wrong' with her, why she was different, in the beginning. Well plotted to get me involved. The ending was sad but somehow fit. Great work *Thumbsup*

I have but a few comments for your consideration -
Where she is imagining them as waves in a sea - suggest removing the preamble (two similes or metaphors in the same sentence) and making it a more active immediate statement, something like "They propelled each other backwards and forwards like waves...

Later when accosted by the taunting boys, suggest more descriptive visual, like - "Four menacing pillars surrounded her, trapping her."

Later that paragraph, suggest "She dropped her glance quickly.

When they make her cry, perhaps consider something like "Tears bubbled from her eyes." ` since they mock her the next paragraph, the tears do fall, not threaten?

The paragraph starting "They were right. There was no place..." a grammar thing, "She was an outcast, always had been..." in place of 'have'

When she steps back into reality I feel an inconsistency in voice, suggest, "...the longing had gone too." in place of "has"

I love the ending, even though a part of me wishes she would have found a mortal friend, it fits*Heart*

Thank you for offering this great read!
Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …/i}
~~Image #4000 Sharing Restricted~~

Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes
Invalid Merit Badge #112280 ** Image ID #933706 Unavailable ** Invalid Merit Badge #111960

433
433
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Snow1**Snow2**Snow3*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


*Snow1**Snow2**Snow3*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


It's somehow against nature to have to bury your child and your lyrics treat this with such beautiful sensitivity. The refrain is beautiful and the simple example of the crayon colored shoebox so real. I can picture the whole scene.

As a poem, reading aloud, I would offer one comment for consideration ~ perhaps in the first and third stanzas, start with "And the tears..." to connect with the prior images, and the next line separates the active scene from the showing part description of what had happened.

Thank you for offering this beautiful work!
Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …/i}
~~Image #4000 Sharing Restricted~~

Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes
Invalid Merit Badge #112280 ** Image ID #933706 Unavailable ** Invalid Merit Badge #111960




Thank you for offering this great read!
Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …/i}
~~Image #4000 Sharing Restricted~~

Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes
Invalid Merit Badge #112280 ** Image ID #933706 Unavailable ** Invalid Merit Badge #111960

434
434
Review of Crossing Over  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Snow1**Snow2**Snow3*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


I can't read this without a tear, especially aloud. Such beautiful imagery, consistent throughout your poem, from the opening "...hardly breaks the swell..." to the finale "...boat slowly groaning out to sea,"

I have but one place where the visual confuses me a bit, comparison to the rocking chair on the old wooden porch, if relating to rocking chair, then depersonalize the porch, as I am left imagining him as the porch?, which I don't think is the image you are projecting, but not sure.

Thank you for sharing this wonderful work!
Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …/i}
~~Image #4000 Sharing Restricted~~

Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes
Invalid Merit Badge #112280 ** Image ID #933706 Unavailable ** Invalid Merit Badge #111960

435
435
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Snow1**Snow2**Snow3*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


You made me want to find this girl and at least say 'hi.' The refrain at the end of each stanza pulls me to the next image and, at the end, I'm left thinking about her. Well done ^_^

I have a couple of comments/suggestions for your consideration - while reading aloud - the second last stanza, suggest "She watches everyone" as a more showing visual image; and the last stanza, I think would tie together with the beginning, coming full circle for me, if you change "Waiting alone" to "Walking alone" and eliminate "out" in the line before, i.e., "She'll always be there" - more powerful impact for me.

Thank you for offering this thought provoking an poignant work!
Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …/i}
~~Image #4000 Sharing Restricted~~

Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes
Invalid Merit Badge #112280 ** Image ID #933706 Unavailable ** Invalid Merit Badge #111960

436
436
Review of Fox's Box  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Snow1**Snow2**Snow3*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


Thank you for this refreshing and fun entry ^_^ Some great visuals I can easily see in a kid's story book with a few fun sketches*Smile*

A fast pace and consistent rhyming make the poem actualy run as I read aloud*Thumbsup*

I do not know what the nature of the "flock" is, so that does need a visual (or a picture there in a book or magazine) - although it sounds cool and makes the second stanza a tongue twister when read aloud.

One suggestion for the rhythm, the fourth stanza, last line, try deleting "And" to begin the line with "Knocked" and see how it sounds to you.

Thank you for offering this great read!
Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …/i}
~~Image #4000 Sharing Restricted~~

Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes
Invalid Merit Badge #112280 ** Image ID #933706 Unavailable ** Invalid Merit Badge #111960

437
437
Review of Lost Soul  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Snow1**Snow2**Snow3*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


Thank you for sharing this heartrending message ~ your words take me through your sister's journey from loving hope through her despair to her return to loving hope for the child she never stopped choosing, though he rejected her. Your 'prayer' at the end makes me pause and reflect ~ beautiful invocation.

Technically, I see a few inconsistencies in present and past tense when reading aloud, and offer the following comments/suggestions for your consideration:
*Bullet*second stanza, 1st line - "less than two" in place of "then"; and second line, suggest "...and above what a mother can do." - though it's implied, show the reader?

*Bullet*4t stanza, missing apostrophe in "it's" and person "He is a boy who is loved..." in place of "that is"

*Bullet*7th stanza, dropped comma between "...beg, borrow"

*Bullet*suggest swears in place of "promises" for the flow in reading aloud, and adding what will be different, i.e., "...thinking this time will be different"

*Bullet*tenth stanza, "...loud noise of glass breaking wakes the family" again showing me what happens, and wakes more accurate description.

*Bullet*next stanza, suggest deletig a word for emphasis on "broken" i.e., "things broken and torn" also spelling = "mourn" in place of "morn"

*Bullet*next next stanza, suggest "continued with the[/i} search" - ongoing seeking on her part

*Bullet*next, for consistency in past tense, second line "She had been all wrong..."

Also, the last line, if referring to the christian one god, which you seem to be, reference is normally capitalized in print "i.e. "...find You today."

I make the above suggestions because you made me care about the boy and your sister's challenge and realization, and I think your message is powerful and relevant to adoptive parents.

Thank you for offering this great read!
Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …/i}
~~Image #4000 Sharing Restricted~~

Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes
Invalid Merit Badge #112280 ** Image ID #933706 Unavailable ** Invalid Merit Badge #111960

438
438
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Snow1**Snow2**Snow3*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


Your poem was hard to read, and hard to put down - powerfully phrased, and beautifully delivered images. The refrain is both uplifting and heart-rending. Reading aloud, I found myself stopping to reflect after each stanza. Your images linger after having finished my reading.

Technically, the pacing and flow was rather smooth, such a powerful refrain. I have but a few comments where I was slowed a bit.

In the first stanza, second line, a grammar thing - "...you had never seen or met."

Consider in the second stanza, when reading aloud, first line, "...you once knew could turn out to be so very special."

Second stanza, comparing her rendition of "Old MacDonald" to a symphony - such beautiful, vivid imagery *Thumbsup*

Consider the second line/statement in the fourth stanza, a bit confusing to me. Reading aloud, consider something like "...she smiled when you knew that she knew today could be her last." [I transposed the word "that" and submit the words "her last" concludes the idea (day being implied)].

Thank you for offering this beautiful, powerful work!
Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …/i}
~~Image #4000 Sharing Restricted~~

Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes
** Image ID #1080814 Unavailable **

Invalid Merit Badge #112280 ** Image ID #933706 Unavailable ** Invalid Merit Badge #111960

439
439
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Snow1**Snow2**Snow3*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


I enjoyed reading Duke's story - well portrayed dog's-eye view. Well maintained pespective and, although I guessed Duke had something to do with the death of his former owners, I was satisfied by your resolution. The understanding look of Quickie.

I have but a very few comments or suggestions for consideration, where I was slowed in my reading -

*Bullet*After Duke's egg breakfast, last setence in that paragraph, "...he returned to his spot under the table." (an earlir spot a bit confusing to me - earlier that day, earier in what span of time?)

*Bullet*next para. "Very slowly did Duke meet his owner," - strikes me as a bit ambiguous - suggest a slight rewording for definition - something like, "Duke approached cautiously, watching Quickie untangled his harness and leash." (Duke's view and implies either fear or caution on Duke's part)

*Bullet*para. with Whiskers - suggest "...an old man Duke could only remember..." (delete 'who' as not necessary)

*Bullet*para. at the corner - "...as several cars were speeding toward them."; (in place of 'was') and end para. "It would appear to be an accident." in place of 'appear like'

Thank you for offering this great read - I'm glad I live with cats!
Keep Writing!
Kate

** Image ID #1074476 Unavailable **

wistful rune ~ …/i}
Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes

Invalid Merit Badge #112280 ** Image ID #933706 Unavailable ** Invalid Merit Badge #111960

440
440
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Snow1**Snow2**Snow3*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


I enjoyed reading your thoughtful and provocative essay. I like the imagery of two rivers and water flowing to describe conformity and coformity disguised and noncomforming. Some good descriptives highlight key points and make me pause and reflect (i.e. "When you hold the water in your hand it takes a different form. It appears transparent and you can see through it." *Thumbsup*
Your conclusion is well phrased call for individual initiative.

A few places I was a bit slowed by some grammatical inconsistencies, and I offer here my comments or suggestions for your consideration.
*Bullet*First paragraph, for consistency suggest either "...constant conformity..." or "constantly ocnforming..."; same para. "The second stream ... to a point that it becomes a necessity..." in place of "remains" as no prior reference to individuality.
*Bullet* inconsistent singular v. plural in last sentence there, - suggest either "...little chance for individuals to create their own movement.." or "...little chance for an individual to create a unique movement of life." (see where I'm coming from*Question*

*Bullet* some inconsistency in your spell checker with respect to punctuation in quotes, remember periods and commas within the quotation marks *Smile*

*Bullet*next paragraph suggest a more definite "The lack of a chance to show individuality..."

*Bullet*next para. "The two rivers, however," (comma on both sides of however.

*Bullet*Another great image of the pond of confusion*Smile*
*Bullet*same para. singular and plural conflict - "...mask their identities..." - suggest keep plural in relation to rest of sentence, etc. - and later that paragraph, suggest keep consistent the individual person with the singular - "Each person who makes up a part of either river has his own take on life and a unique..." (suggest 'take' in place of 'flare' also for clarity in my mind - I just didn't understand your reference here.

*Bullet*"...fall into the rhythm solitude..." This is poetic, beautiful image ~ writing *Star*
*Bullet*later that para. "...the victims of the eterally pouring water will be cured." (sounds more consistent) and "...will illuminate the dark water and free the souls within." (as opposed to "frees")

*Bullet*final sentence, suggest for onsistency, "Only if we do this will the great wind come."


Thank you for offering this great read! The imagery stays with me after reading, and I happen to agree with your well phrased conclusion ^_^
Keep Writing!
Kate

** Image ID #1074476 Unavailable **

wistful rune ~ …/i}
Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes

Invalid Merit Badge #112280 ** Image ID #933706 Unavailable ** Invalid Merit Badge #111960

441
441
Review of Article  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Snow1**Snow2**Snow3*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*I enjoyed reading your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


Your essay is well plotted and you provide specific examples to make your point. Your opening premise and concluding statement come full circle with respect to how age, maturity affects perception of changing events and issues both lccal and national.

Yours is a well written essay. Makes me think and reflect on my perception of the same events/issues. Also see some great visual imagery, i.e. "...air just dirty enough so you can't chew it." I like the selection of examples, and each is written concisely, giving relevant facts so that someone without the experience would also be able to understand the reference *Star*

Technically, a few phrases and items slowed me down, and your spell checker missed some punctuation - so I offer the following comments and suggestions for your consideration -
*Bullet*Second paragraph "some nostalgic-like (hypheate?) mental disorder" - perhaps consider rewording, something more definite yet still illusory{i.e., "...an esoteric mental disorder..."*Idea*
*Bullet*same paragraph, "...as i recall," - comma and space inverted (a few other instances of this inversion occur later on); and last sentence - "..watching an old Colombo episode. "

*Bullet*next para. "Consider this - 35 years..." suggest a separation, probably hyphen, to set off the statement.*Idea* later, "Nowadays" in place of "Now days" and "lineup" in place of "line up" and "where you're headed" {contraction)

*Bullet*next paragraph, again set off "Then there's the enironment - which" (used the hyphen for consistency). Later, "Cuyahoga" (spelling). Also suggest "...use them as thermometers and the acceptable arsenic..."

*Bullet*"...higher than a kite on crack." another great visual image *Thumbsup*

*Bullet*Capitalization on proper names "Canada" and "Texas"; same para. as Canada, possessive omitted in "...so our nation's highways are clogged..."
*Bullet*"...debase themselves or a chance fame..." (using "of" there doesn't seem to fit right for me???

*Bullet*"contemporaneously" ouch, spelling, that was a mouthful to write ^_^

*Bullet*"take back the dinosaurs." (period inside quote missing); same para. suggest "...garden of Eden and Noah took a pair..." in place of "then"
*Bullet* (nice touch of satire with the dinosaurs on the ark*Thumbsup*

*Bullet*Final sentence, I feel I want a bit of separation not only for reading but to emphasize the conclusion you are making. i.e. "Yeah, I may be getting old but, as you can see, things really were a lot better when I was young, and this country is going to hell in a hand basket." *Star*Great finish^_^

I really enjoyed reading your essay - relevant and memorable imagery and conclusory statements.

Thank you for offering this great read!
Keep Writing!
Kate

** Image ID #1074476 Unavailable **

wistful rune ~ …/i}
Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes

Invalid Merit Badge #112280 ** Image ID #933706 Unavailable ** Invalid Merit Badge #111960

442
442
Review of The Swing  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Snow1**Snow2**Snow3*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*Thank you for your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


I really enjoyed reading your story^_^ Something as 'innocent' as a swing being a doorway to the supernatural.

Opening with the kid's eye view of the swing as reaching into the sky is great - I didn't know if it would be a fantasy or what? The conversations were natural and propelled the story well, making me want to read more, to see what would happen next. Tracey's character, in particular, is well developed, and I often found myself in her head with you. The story moves quickly, with lots of detail, again, propelling me to a satisfying conclusion, no loose ends^_^

Now, I have but a few comments/suggestions and little nits for your consideraton -

*Bullet*The visual of the swing is great, kid's eye view. One nit joint spelling in the first sentence. Also think you mean to say meted in place of "metered" in the third paragraph.

*Bullet*Although the conversation and character driven sections flow rather smoothly, some of the descriptives seem a bit forced to me. By way of example, attempting to introduce Cat - how about simply Catherine Asterfe {Cat to her friends and family) hated the swing but loved the smooth ride. She always felt a sense of dread as she neared the park. The high beam was visible...

*Bullet*Several places, singular and plural and person v. thing are mixed - citing fist example here -i.e., 7th paragraph, - "...a child lost their grip and..." = "...a child lost his grip and..." (you mention he's a little boy in the next sentence so I ued 'his.' Also in that paragraph, I would be a bit more specific "and only one child at a time was allowed on the swing."

*Bullet*Good visual of Cat swinging and her first encounter with the 'spirit' - the visual is great here, and I am lead to believe it's supernatural, but it could still be an hallucination...*Thumbsup*
While on the swing, "She repeated her actions, propelling the swing's arc higher and higher. (more showing visual for me - also word choice)

*Bullet*Job titles, architect, researher, i.e., don't need to be capitalized as used here - not formal titles.

*Bullet*The description of Tracey's job, choice of living situation, a bit wordy and distractng from the action for me - I think it can be tightened to be more showing and propel the story forward.

*Bullet*The descriptive when Tracey runs to collapse before the admininstration building - again can be more showing - i.e., Nausea overpowered her as she sat with her head between her hands...

*Bullet*Again, the conversation with Bulwark is detailed and smooth - just a couple techno things -"Did she fall victim to the swing?" and the tense seemed to clash here for me {/}"It seemed that evryone knew about the swing but her. But each day, more children were allowed to use it.

*Bullet*In the scene with the nurse an Tracey trying to wake Cat - techno "Cat responded to all the pushing and prodding." and later "Tracey kew that the nurse was purposely ignoring..." this a bit more active for me.

*Bullet*Also, suggest specifics when Tracey leaves the hospital and asks her husband to watch Cat for anything 'supernatural' - ambiguous word, perhaps just "unusual" or "not let her sleep"???

The ending was fast paced and visually active, and the epilogue a satisfying conclusion^_^

Thank you for a great read!
Keep Writing!
Kate

Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes

rune ~ mannaz …
Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

Invalid Merit Badge #112280 ** Image ID #933706 Unavailable ** Invalid Merit Badge #111960

443
443
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Snow1**Snow2**Snow3*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*Thank you for your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


Greetings, fellow chocoholic *Rolleyes* I enjoyed reading your article - belies the old cliche 'you can never be too rich or too thin' - now the rich part, however...*Smile*

Your article was well plotted, flowed chronologically with good detailed examples from the various time/age periods. Also, the tone is convivial, not preachy, so easy to follow and believe.

I have not seen much written from the 'skinny kid' perspective, and your revelations there alone - could perhaps be helpful to preteen and teenaged girls who see their thin shapes as a problem.

*Bullet*Perhaps consider developing that angle with some more descriptives for a teen market*Idea*

I have but a few technical thoughts for your consideration...

*Bullet*Good opening line, draw me in.

*Bullet*First full paragraph - singular and plural conflict, suggest - "skinny legs and gangly arms, they caused me..."

*Bullet*Next paragraph - "...finding a dress that fit was..." and the last full sentence, suggest ot use "flat" twice, instead, something like {...took in the sides to shape the dress around my flat chest." or "...took in the sides to flatten the dress around my non-existent cleavage{/}."

*Bullet*"The turning point came when I turned 24 - I think flowed better with the conversational way you are writing here; as well as the next paragraph, something like For the next six years, my weight fluctuated; but generally I was ok.

Thanks again for offering this insightful article - I think you have the potential for two articles here - and wish you success in 2006 with both, along with your weight loss effort.

P.S. -- I've found that writing is a good weight management aid for me - can't use the hands to manipulate a fork while typing on the keyboard - but the caffeine intake, that's another subject^_^

Keep Writing!
Kate

Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes

rune ~ mannaz …
Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

Invalid Merit Badge #112280 ** Image ID #933706 Unavailable ** Invalid Merit Badge #111960

444
444
Review of A Spotty Story  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Snow1**Snow2**Snow3*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*Thank you for your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


I enjoyed reading this story. Lighthearted, with drama and lots of detail. Not too long for a kid's attention span either. Well plotted with natural conversation and easy to follow descriptive scenes. I was moved along through the plot to reach a satifying conclusion1

I have a few comments or suggetions for your consideration -
*Bullet* - Introduction - great descriptive paragraph - I can see Leopard striding through the forest, proud as can be *Smile*

*Bullet*second paragraph - "So he took extra good care of himself..."

*Bullet*third paragraph - "He decided to get professional help, and soon." - suggest a comma there, for pause/drama.

*Bullet*"Are you sure my spots won't be damaged or fade?" - a bit more explicit here - also not sure if fade should come first or damaged???

*Bullet*the paragraph starting with "Elephant called..." - "...so Elephant voiced another brilliant suggestion." - a bit more visual, I think.

*Bullet*"to bide the hours" - sounds a bit forced to me - consider to while away the hours

*Bullet*I think it should be "70's" party with an apostrophe.

*Bullet*"LadyBird was the center of attention at the party."

*Bullet*I notice you use "meanwhile" to open a couple of paragraph - in a short story like this, perhaps consider a different opening for one of them -perhaps the second time, something like - Now Elephant was pacing up and down; cursing himself as he thought about how Leopard woul react.

*Bullet*"spilled the beans"- not really, I think, also there "he'd got some" = grammar??
suggest perhaps something more like Elephant thought hard for a moment, until he remembered the bright new creme he had just gotten in that wouldn't wash off for months.

*Bullet*"As for LadyBird, she decided to keep Leopard's spots for herelf." - I think more than one spot in question ^_^

*Bullet*Love the ending!

Thank you for an engaging and entertaining story^_^
Keep Writing!
Kate

Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes

rune ~ mannaz becoming
Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

Invalid Merit Badge #112280 ** Image ID #933706 Unavailable ** Invalid Merit Badge #111960

445
445
Review of The Vow  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Snow1**Snow2**Snow3*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*Thank you for your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


After reading this poem, I am left not feeling sad, but some self-satisfaction. She is no longer a victim, but has taken a step to freedom from bondage. The last line is just the best *Thumbsup*

Rhyming and your choice of progressive images both propel me forward in the plot - well done *Smile*

Reading aloud, a few words fall off the beat in my ear and I offer a few comments or suggestions for your consideration -

First line, suggest eliminate "I'm" and start with "Broken" - powerful and forceful opening, emphasis on key words to propel me forward.

Second stanza, first line, again for the beat, suggest replace "morning" with "day" - try the sound of it

Fourth stanza, second line, suggest deleting the word "the" - stress then falls on "secrets" - again more forceful to my ear

The fifth stanza has singular and plural both - suggest either Changes I see in the love of my life, Are making it hard... or Make it hard...
or - Change I see in the love of my life, Makes it hard...
Just striving for consistency in the image.

The second line in the seventh stanza is a bit ambiguous to me and slows me a bit - perhaps say she will also be older or he'll tire of her too??? - just something to consider

Again, the ending is wonderful - by releasing him also frees herself - no longer a victim but empowered, I feel, and I like the self-satisfied ending ^_^

Thank you for sharing this great read!
Keep Writing!
Kate

Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes

rune ~ mannaz becoming
Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

Invalid Merit Badge #112280 ** Image ID #933706 Unavailable ** Invalid Merit Badge #111960

446
446
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Snow1**Snow2**Snow3*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*Thank you for your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


It's 30 degrees outside and some of your images made me feel summer for a moment! Your descriptions are vivid and picturesque - love the "pea stone rocks" *Smile* It's obvious you had some wonderful times there *Cool*

As a reader, what I would like for you to do, however, is take my hand and walk me through it. Instead of using your wonderful imagery to tell me, show me the beach. Make me hear the waves and make me feel the scent of donuts tickling me tastebuds. *Smile*

Arriving at the beach, the sound of crashing waves in the distance plays harmony to the blaring music from the Andrea Hotel. {I paraphrased a couple sentences to show you what I'm thinking, but your vision would give you better descriptives.)

I think you need to either mention Misquamicut in the opening sentence or cite Rhode Island as a collection of ghost towns for clarity of singular vs plural, - state vs city in the description. {Another great image, the ghost towns *Thumbsup*. If you stay with the state, perhaps show a collection towns, or group? Suggest adding a descriptive in the last sentence - ...pack up the car and make their way to the ocean."

I enjoyed the detailed description of boogie boarding, here you do take me on the board with you *Thumbsup*. Ending with packing it up brings your words, and the essay, full circle - well done ^_^

Thank you for an entertaining, enjoyable read!
Keep Writing!
Kate

Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes

rune ~ mannaz becoming
Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

Invalid Merit Badge #112280 ** Image ID #933706 Unavailable ** Invalid Merit Badge #111960

447
447
Review of Of Tree and Music  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Snow1**Snow2**Snow3*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*Thank you for your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


I understand this is your first poem, I think you are off to a great start *Smile*

I was drawn i by your vivid visual imagery and the ucommon ending stays with me after I have finished reading. Successive reading reinforces the imagery. Well done *Star*

I think you met the rhyming challenge well, the rhymed words fit without seeming forced. You use several different meters, and for the most part the natural stress falls on key impact or image words, moving me forward.

Reading aloud, I am slowed a little by some of the comma placement - perhaps trying to keep different meters separated ?? to try for balance where my voice does not want to stop, or stops elsewhere

For your consideration, I have a few comments and suggestions -

First stanza, second line, consider removing "that" for balance = Considered, did he the man, he needed a new tree,
First stanza, fourth line, considr placing "that" i the second half of the lie and simplify the word picture = i.e., "At once, the man knew that the tree was for him."[/i} - doing this for me the stress falls on the words 'knew' 'tree' and 'him' to end the stana.

Second stanza, second line, suggest remove 'And' and change 'planted' to 'planting' - the stress naturally = Planting it, near the ol garden can,"

Third line of second stanza - for visual stress, suggest something like "The man gazed, his old grey eyes, over the tree everyday"

Third stanza, second line - "It had not died however, rather had only been paralyzed"
Final line, suggest remove "for" = "Playe evermore."

I enjoyed reading your poem and find myself in a melancholy mood after each reading - well done - thank you.

Keep Writing!
Kate





Thank you for a great read!
Keep Writing!
Kate

Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes

rune ~ mannaz becoming
Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

Invalid Merit Badge #112280 ** Image ID #933706 Unavailable ** Invalid Merit Badge #111960

448
448
Review of Moments in Time  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Snow1**Snow2**Snow3*Greetings! I'm one of the Reviewers for the *Down*
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


*Smile*Thank you for your entry - hope to see you in the next challenge*Smile*

*Star**Star**Star*


Your story leaves me feeling hopeful, with a lump in my throat at the end. Well written in the first person, you carry me through a day in the life of Melissa, her observations, thoughts, self-recriminations, and hope. She is a flawed protagonist I want to see do well. Carl Sawyer, on the other hand, has no redeeming characteristics, excepting his appearance, which is apparently enough in his town to forgive extramarital affairs, disregard for his son, even slovenly eating habits.

A few thoughts and comments here for your consideration *Smile*.

Your descriptions are vivid, drawing me in to Melissa’s thoughts and observations. Lots of impact in your opening phrase “My only son hates me…” - I suggest a comma for pause, perhaps, before the rest of the sentence, to set it off. The second sentence, suggest something like “fighting to hide my disgust” (“trying to hide” – a bit of telling - doesn’t show me if succeeding or not). The final sentence carries a number of thoughts. Consider a minor rewording, perhaps something like “He wipes it absently and smiles at me, his gaze a painful reminder of why…” Also, a slight discrepancy in time span – suggest “…fell in love with this man over sixteen years…” instead of “almost sixteen” since it’s their son’s 16th birthday (or almost seventeen if you prefer).

Great description of the interchange between the two of them, how Carl’s attitude changes, and visuals put me there.*Idea*

I suggest perhaps a bit more clarification of Melissa’s thought in the paragraph where Carl stops chewing – the final sentence might be more poignant if separated into two, perhaps more of her thought in a separate sentence to begin with “It happens all the time…(I remind him of his responsibility???) see where I’m coming from – show more of her thought.

The paragraph where Carl calls her Lisa – maybe try more visual showing, something perhaps like “…and I bite my tongue to keep from physically shuddering at the pet name.” (showing me how she resists the urge)??

I like the dash of self-pity – visible realism - Melissa is human with wants and dreams of her own, perhaps long ago put aside. The third last sentence in that paragraph has several thoughts – perhaps consider splitting. “It’s not been an easy road for me. “Working two jobs while raising a little boy alone left me precious little time to smell the roses.

The next paragraph again is such a great visual – and so much anguish in the last sentence, as is the paragraph following. One spot there for clarification “However, those stopped…’ consider instead “However, that stopped…” (Norm’s way of waiting for his dad on the steps, I believe is the inference?)

The paragraph beginning – “Now I consider myself lucky…” The second sentence “few and in-between” – I think you mean …few and far between.”

Where Melissa leaves the restaurant – perhaps more visual …aware of the curious glances cast my way.” A *Question* – did she leave him (unfaithful earlier) or did he leave her?)

Setting the table – “tablecloth” is one word (oops) – also, do you want to say the tablecloth is “only” used on Norm’s birthday??

Natural and honest feel to the conversation between Norm and Melissa.

Norm’s long speech, in one place past and present tense seem to clash – perhaps try …guts to walk up to his office and tell him to his face that I will be a better man…

Next paragraph, as to showing – …upstairs to change and, making my joy complete, he wraps…

The final paragraph, second sentence ”After six long years,…” I think eliminating “For” there gives more impact to the sentence. Powerful ending – a lump in my throat each reading. *Snow1*

It’s a challenge writing a narrative like this in the first person, and I think here the challenge was well met. I got to know Melissa through her actions and thoughts over a day that turned out to be a turning point in her life. *Star*

I enjoyed reading this story, and look forward to seeing more of your work^_^
Keep Writing!
Kate

Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes

rune ~ mannaz becoming
Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

Invalid Merit Badge #112280 Image #933706 over display limit. -?- Invalid Merit Badge #111960

449
449
Review of Something More  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Your words here make me feel hopeful, sad, longing, for a moment believing in the illusion of pure love, that it's out there; it's the trust that hooked me.

Very beautifully written, the feeling stays with me, reading aloud, the words roll softly, sensuously.

Keep dreaming, and writing ^_^
Kate
450
450
Rated: E | (3.5)
Great question - I like the comparison - passions and broken dreams, as if the passions are unmet or unfulfilled over time, how long.

I also find myself reflecting on the two possible results you propose - give up or keep trying - which I read as answers to the questions in the first stanza.

Reading aloud, the rhyming of the second and fourth lines of each stanza gives balance to the stanzas. The second line of the second stanza goes a bit off beat - perhaps try "And left but a mark" to balance more with "Get lost in the dark" - or if lost, then did it leave "...not a mark"?

Thank you for sharing your thought-provoking poem!
Keep writing
wistful_rune


473 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 19 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/manga_kate/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/18