Greetings! A fun poem to read for the CSFS Anniversary (Birthday) Review ~ my thoughts and comments I pass on to you

A challenging poetic form, ottava rima, which I think is well met in the premise of crashing a swank birthday party. The three stanzas weave a story that is engaging and visual, opening with the details of the party and the intent to gain entry; then a failed attempt to sneak in as guests; finishing with the subsequent attempt and the end result, coming full circle with the quest as a 'holy grail'

The end rhyme scheme is well met without being forced and draws vivid visual and tactile images, engaging the senses while telling a good story in verse, the quatrains each carrying a scene and transitioning with ease to the next

I note repetition of 'details' within a stanza, where perhaps one occurrence can describe or image a specific detail? Also reading aloud, there's some lyric rhythm, but consider maintaining either the eleven syllable/line traditional form which I hear in most of the poem or perhaps using the pentameter for emphasis or at transition points??

I found myself pulling for the 'Uninvited' while smiling at their attempt to attain the 'grail' with each reading. I look forward to reading more of your lyric stylings.

Write On
Kate
Kate - Writing & Reading
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Greetings! Thank you for sharing this provocative image - of might that has become an end in itself, not in answer to need, but to avarice, having forgotten those who perhaps once we sought to serve and aid.

The rhyme royale form lends itself well to this theme, I believe, the lyric quality and end rhymes emphasizing each image as it evolves while weaving an image that flows naturally, engaging the senses with both the lyric quality and the choice of imagery.

The opening line is intense with the brief pause (comma) before continuing the statement in verse thru a pairing of rhyming couplets that ignite the stanza. I'm picturing a parable, forgotten over time as might forgot its purpose.

The second stanza reinforces my understanding, first explaining and chastising what has been forgotten, then offering a chance to make a choice, and to choose to remember and heed the call of the one who first offered the parable.

Reading aloud, the rhyming patterns of the form are well met, but I notice the iambic is not maintained with a natural rhythm throughout. I think the word 'our' is one that is written to be one syllable, where it's customarily two, so reading aloud I stumbled a bit with 'our' and 'ourselves' with respect to the rhythm. (i.e., consider "Unquestioned power lies in our hands." = holding the iambic with two syllables for 'our' without losing intensity of the image = power in our hands???)

Further, when referring to a supreme deity, in this case if I infer the parable, then as Jesus Christ with the sermon on the mount, or the Christian God, it's customary to identify as a proper name, i.e., "Him" (in place of 'him').

I would also consider to maintain the iambic rhythm without force, to substitute a visual image or other sensory image, a sound, action, especially in the final couplet, where I think we are being challenged to see the proof and to choose to once again bless and embrace a cause, a challenge, a reason to battle not merely for the sake of material or political gain.

Thank you once again for this powerful and provocative image whose challenge and echoes remain after the speaking.

Write On!
Kate
Kate - Writing & Reading
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Greetings! Thank you for offering this 'kick-start' for the muse creative. The title is clear, the format as an in and out is fun, and the tag line which invites participants to tag items invites those looking for inspiration for writing, to engage in further challenges, and some good reading..

As a forum, I like the pencil and the introduction - "write small, think big" - by taking one word and creating a short bit of prose or verse that incorporates the word in whatever form the participant chooses. Participation is further encouraged by inviting the writer to tag an item of choice within his/her post with item number or alias for other participants to see, along with his/her post. I see no errors or omissions in the presentation.

Former prompts are displayed, along with clear, succinct rules, and a recommendation that the participant keep a copy of what he/she writes - who knows, might become a story, poem, article - the seed is planted with a word.

I had fun participating and will return to pursue further the challenge to self and now, off to check out some of the links

Write On
Kate
Kate - Writing & Reading
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Greetings, fellow Explorer Thank you for sharing your exploration in verse.

The title evokes an expectation of a story or factual statement, which is vividly conveyed in the nonette form, which reading aloud begins with a statement in the past tense, then relates in the present voice of the 'lad, bright at four' resolved in an action to prove the opening statement.

Consider a finite statement in line three (the other voice), ending with a period to distinguish the outside command.

Then to hold fast the lad's voice, consider active in the third line, 'Be careful what you tell me;' (more like what I'd hear a four-year-old say) And since he's speaking, "Are the flowers not" (keeping in the present)

This leaves me feeling empathy for the little boy whose hearfelt gift was spurned or disregarded Who among us cannot relate to this at some point in their life, poetry in its essence - as a conversation one among the other and the self with the self

Write On!
Kate
Kate - Writing & Reading
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Greetings! Thank you for weaving this otherworld in words. I offer here my thoughts on the journey, as seen through my eyes.

A young boy's fervent wish to journey to where the stars make their home is answered on Christmas Eve. His journey that begins with a child's wonderment and joy, grows to one of understanding. He questions and receives answers. The story offers magic and mystery while exploring a young child's curiosity and ability to see, hear, and understand both the mundane and fantastical realities.

I offer my thoughts on my reader's journey through Johnathan's tale.

Considering that Johnathan is a young boy (8:37 past his bedtime), when relating from his viewpoint, consider keeping in a kid's eye tone.

A couple examples, i.e., in the opening instead of 'observing' (also passive), consider, staring or stared without blinking?? and combining a couple expository sentences to show action, especially in the opening. 'Every year at this time, he watched the stars with nervous excitement.' That makes 'This was his ritual' redundant, as you've shown him doing it. Keep the opening active showing him wishing. The final sentence completes the image - in a believable kid's voice

The second paragraph, again, the last line consider more active to show what Johnathan sees - i.e., something like "...as Johnathan watched it fall from the sky."??

Just a couple of thoughts on keeping the descriptions in a kid's eye view when Johnathan is active. His dialogue does well keep the kid's tone - from her initial call to his Mom and the dialogue with the angel. I can see it from Johnathan's perspective.

With mom's appearance, again, perhaps Johnathan hears her tired voice, but wouldn't think of 'emotional reaction.'

I like the formal tone the angel maintains when speaking with Johnathan - not condescending, but explaining the need to perceive bad as well as good, the need to keep wishing and believing that good will triumph, and he will be a part of making it so. And, by the time his journey is done, I think Johnathan comprehends some of the bigger words, or will remember them as he grows, despite his momentary fear that he may not.

The dragon ride a delightful romp in a parallel world which reinforces Johnathan's desire and knowledge that he will return to this place he dreamed each year of exploring.

couple little nits that do not detract from the joy of reading, but where the word processor must have dropped a character in transit (shining angel (not shinning); and at the end, Johnathan knew (not new) it.

Thank you for sharing this magickal journey across parallel worlds and good luck in the contest
~ I look forward to visiting your portfolio for some more good reads

Write On!
Kate
Kate - Writing & Reading
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