The reader is taken to a world that is a city of layers, structured in classes,the top layer being the most prestigious, paying lip service to a constitution based on pseudo-religious tenets. Mythological references to Diana (naming the asteroid/home/city) and paraphrasing the Pledge of Allegiance intriguing jumps from the reader's world to this alternate society
The story opens in the corridors of Diana as our protagonist (Skylie) rushes to school, running afoul of a peacekeeper and her teacher. A second voice (Cole Brent) is effectively used in the schoolroom, easy to see as an additional protagonist, perhaps, who the reader gets a sense will be as important to the story and its resolution.
Effective use of two points of view (Skylie's and Cole's); natural conversation, and believable characters. The peacekeeper and teacher are also effective helpers to put the teenage protagonists in perspective as to their daily routines and develop their personalities.
I note but a few areas in narration where the descriptions become passive or repetitive. In the opening, consider ending the opening sentence with "...down the corridors of Diana." In the next paragraph, perhaps describe, something like, "...not wanting to collide with the skinny fifteen year old running along the corridors of the City." ??
Also, same paragraph, "A bell sounded, and everyone stopped_" (deleting somewhere). and more accurate at the end of the paragraph, "...never stopped playing that music,..."
In describing the peacekeeper, "...a scrunched up look around her eyes" (Skylie not seeing it in her eyes).
Next paragraph, the ending "...minute of peace Skylie did." (eliminating 'that')
The conversation with the peacekeeper ~ "Citizens have the right...," Skylie blurted, instantly clapping her hand over her mouth. The words just slipped out." (a bit more visual perhaps)
Later, use of "mark" twice in a sentence, consider "labeled" for the second use.
The segment in the school, Cordelia's description and segment a bit passive or telling. Consider showing how Cordelia's voice sounds. "..her high-pitched, or tight-lipped, or ...reading through tight, pursed lips" ?? (show how it's prissy) also this I believe is in Cord's view, so end the sentence iwth "...level four like Cord."
The next quote, ..."Skylie stood up and began to read in a clear, ..." (in place of it)
Again, Cordelia and Angelina "...sneer at Skylie" (or show how they look at Skylie)
Cole's admiration ~ suggest tightening the long sentence to state what he admired about her, perhaps just deleting "of" where it occurs??
Cole learning about The Planets and "other stellar bodies" perhaps to define what he is interested in???
Later, in her conversation with Ms. Reynolds, perhaps have the active statement first, "The nursery opened late...." Skylie replied with a slight shrug. ???
Thank you for creating this vivid world of mystery, intrigue, and imagination peopled with believable characters (both likeable and not so) I look forward to reading more of their story!
Keep Writing!
Kate
wistful rune ~ …
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Kate - Writing & Reading
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Strive to live the ordinary life in a nonordinary way.
Book of Runes
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