*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/marcellus
Review Requests: OFF
11 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Perspective  
Review by Dragon Poet
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This really made me laugh, I love meta things like this. :) Well delivered too. With a bonus of suggesting that the moon is made of cheese. XD Only a couple of things to say really.

“So, What, are you thinking whatever is on the blue one is going to even notice this?"
should probably be put like this:

“So what? Are you thinking whatever is on the blue one is going to even notice this?"

Also at the beginning I thought they were movers. XD
2
2
Review of No more you  
Review by Dragon Poet
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well I think it's quite good. The imagery is really good all "show don't tell". You said you had trouble with the rhyming scheme being inconsistent but instead of trying to rewrite it, it might be easier to separate the poem into different stanzas for example:

No more you, no more us
There’s no more love
No fight, no trust

No more glimmers in the rain
No more thinking of the same
No more whispers in the dark
No more sweet and quick remarks
No more climbing through your window
No more listening to the wind blow
No more snowflakes in your hair
No more distances to bear.

Just my lone and gloomy self;
Now you’ve put me on a shelf.
Like a toy I’ll sit an wait
For the day, with blinding faith
When you’ll pick me up again,
Hold me close and fight the pain.

But I know deep in my heart
What we had was just like art;
It will never come again,
It will never be the same.

I will try in vain to paint you,
Find your beauty in her eyes.
But our luck doesn’t run twice;
You were my slow and sweet demise.

Also the second to last line might fare better not using a contraction because it has a different meter (pattern of stressed and non-stressed syllables):
But our luck does not run twice
x /
But our luck doesn't run twice
x x
(x is non-stressed / is stressed)

But those are two rather minor things and I think you did a great job especially with the imagery (as I mentioned earlier).
3
3
Review by Dragon Poet
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Laugh* That was hilarious! Excellent story. I'm supposed to give tips for improvement but I honestly can't think of any... You've got a great style and sense of comedic timing. No grammar mistakes at all that I can spot. At the beginning I thought it was going to be a cliche "boy goes of to become a hero fight a dragon and find a princess somewhere" but then the little man appeared and it got a bit more interesting. The end scen was perfect too; everything was failing (and I had expected they would be magical or something) and I thought he was giong to outsmart the dragon... and then it's over *Laugh*. Thank you for this story *Smile*

*Music1* Can't stop the writing! *Music1*
4
4
Review by Dragon Poet
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a really fun poem and I like the rhythm of it a lot. The subject is also really fun and interesting. The inconsistent syllables do kinda bother me because I don't know if they're intended or not but they don't really mess with the rhythm so... By the way is Hoosier pronounced Hoo-zure or Hoo-see-er? Anyways, good job! I now want to read some of your other stuff too.

*Music1* Don't stop the writing! *Music1*
5
5
Review of Caught  
Review by Dragon Poet
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a poem that would almost fit in with Willy Wonka's oompa loompas. Almost, because those poems didn't have some of the beauty you put into this, especially this verse:
His eyes could see
The purple of tulips,
When he was caught
By a sail and carried up.


The absence of rhymes was a bit strange to me but I still loved it.
6
6
Review of The Wedding  
Review by Dragon Poet
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
That was really funny and cute I loved the: "Weebles wobble, but they don't fall down." Great job with the grammar and the structure all around. This feels like it could belong in a bigger story but it's still generic enough that it could fit with almost any bigger story. Great job.
7
7
Review by Dragon Poet
Rated: E | (4.0)
Once upon a time there was a cliff on the seaside where an old man lived. Everyday, the old man would climb down and enter a cave at the bottom of the cliff. One day, the man wasn't able to make the trip. Because of that, he knew he need a successor, he searched for many weeks. Until finally, he found someone who he could trust. He brought her to the cliff and watched as she made the climb. When she came back up there was nothing except a pair of footprints facing out at the wide grey sea.

P.S. Good job with the outline it's pretty much perfect for any kind of story.
8
8
Review by Dragon Poet
Rated: E | (4.5)
:) That was awesome. The facts were great and the questions were even better. Some of those questions could definitely be made into conspiracy theories. Good Job.

P.S. In your first sentence you spelled poets as poefs. Thanks for this, really.
9
9
Review of One By One  
Review by Dragon Poet
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really like your writing style, it's hard to describe but I like it. I would like a bit more imagery though.

A couple of grammar mistakes that I spotted: "They looked like her mother" should be either "They looked like her parents" or "She looked like her mother".
also "She remembered her mothers last embrace" should be "She remembered her mother's last embrace".

On the subject of the story...I loved it. Vague, you have to guess most of it and there's a freedom that you give the reader to construct a story around what you wrote. Once again It's really good.
10
10
Review by Dragon Poet
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow. I really liked this. I looked for anything I could help with, but the only thing I could find was that you reused words in the same stanza. It doesn't really make a difference, although using different words does help the flow.
You make a good point in this as well, and not only that but you presented it well.
I give this 4.5 stars it's not G.K. Chesterton, but if it was I would probably be singing your praises and it is still really good.
10 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/marcellus