|These are only my opinions. These are only the comments of one reader. They are not meant as criticisms but rather as suggestions that I think will help to improve the story
I am reading this per your request. I am basing this review on the assumption that you are interested in an honesty, which is what I am going to give you.
I had a difficult time getting through this. You are in need of a thorough edit here. I found the run-on sentences, like these; It seemed as though Denise needed to tell the story over and over, it was always more soliloquy than monologue, she was telling the story for herself to sift through the pieces; A crime scene detective, sort of, seeing if she had overlooked anything.
to be very distracting.
There seemed to be a lot of repetition, from overuse of Denise's name to, what I interpreted as talking down to the reader. Take this for example; People tend not to surround themselves with other people who tell the truth. People tend to surround themselves with people who agree with them, (the first sentence says it all. I don't need you to spell it out for me.)
I was half way through this piece before I encountered a scrap of dialogue or action. Up until this point, I know nothing of Denise except for what the narrator is TELLING me. Quite frankly, I would probably have stopped reading there had you not requested the review. There just was not enough to hold my interest.
I got lost in the train of thought, on numerous occasions. This paragraph, for instance; Denise, she was complicated. It seemed like she always answered in question form. When we first met, she had long hair that she wore down. At work they made us wear baseball caps with the McDonald’s logo on the front. Denise wore hers with the bill way, way down so that you could barely see her eyes. She wore glasses with lenses that had just a slight tint. She smoked constantly. She once told me she smoked three packs of cigarettes everyday, “Sometimes more, sometimes less.” (So, long hair, tinted glasses and 3 packs a day constitutes a complicated personality? Besides, once again, you are TELLING me everything. You are not giving the reader the opportunity to find out anything on their own)
I don't feel rooted in the story at all. One minute Denise is coming home - you never answer from where or what. You never define the nature or history of her relationship with the person who we finally find out is a guy - Dave. Then, Denise's father dies and she is dropping out of college and confessing to her lesbian interests. Yet, even though I got the impression that Denise and Dave are about the same age, he is only going to college in the next chapter and bam, Denise and Nicole have already set up their little love shack in her mother's house.
At the end of the day, I did not see a story here. The title alluded to one, as did the first chapter. Then you digress into talk, talk, talk and nothing ever happens. You have some nicely interesting lines; Love is lust in a bad disguise, love is what happens when a person seeks out another so that the two may pair up and feel appreciated and pretty.
McDonald’s was Nicole’s ‘ugly friend’.
Unfortunately, this is not enough to carry the piece. I didn't feel any connection or empathy with any of your characters. Nicole and Denise have been given only a superficial varnish and Dave was, in my opinion, unlikeable. Who can connect with someone who is so assured that they are surrounded by boring idiots?
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